8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s15e09 Episode Script

Series 15, Episode 9

1 This programme contains strong language APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Mamma mia! It's Nancy Dell'Olio.
Him and hair, it's Joe Wilkinson.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight Golden wonder! It's Greg Rutherford.
The emerald smile! It's Jimeoin.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, for every human in the world, there are a million ants? But, surprisingly, only one Dec.
30% of men buy their partners red roses on their anniversary.
I bought my girlfriend some red roses, some red lingerie, and we had some red wine.
And then, we went up to the bedroom and read.
And 5% of women think their eyebrows are their best feature.
Ladies, I don't know much about eyebrows, but I do know they shouldn't be poking out the sides of your pants.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess what the British public think of the top three sporting moments of the last year.
Jon's team? Well, I guess we have someone with us who was at probably the most famous sporting event, and probably the most famous sporting day of last year.
Did you get tickets? Well, it's the Olympics, and it's the legacy and all that.
But London's Twitter account still has 1.
5 million followers.
I just think, "Tidy your account up.
" They haven't Tweeted for a year.
It's time to stop now.
But the Olympics was fantastic and he done very well.
Thank you.
But for you, it's been spoiled by their inability to tidy up their digital messaging? It was a fantastic event.
I think Britain did a fantastic job.
Not only the team, I mean all the people behind I think everything was absolutely perfect.
So well done, Britain.
Well, well done, us! Well done, Britain! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Shall we take a look at you in action, winning gold? Take a look.
(COMMENTATOR) So, Greg Rutherford.
8.
21 leads at the moment.
Can he feed off this atmosphere? Quick, quick, quick! And it's big! Oh! (LAUGHS) Can you believe what is happening in this stadium at the moment? What has he done? Eight metres and 31! I think in the context of this competition, that is going to take some beating! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK You must have seen that now literally hundreds of times.
Will you ever get bored of that clip? No, never.
If you're ever feeling down, I just go on YouTube and put that on.
I've got a different website I go to, but, yep How far did you actually jump in the final? Eight metres 31.
I genuinely don't know how far that is.
If you paced it out, how far would it be across? Well, if you do eight long paces Eight long paces? All right.
You've got to do it right, though.
Hang on, eight long paces So one, two, three, four, fivefuck off! No way did you Eight?! Well, you've probably been generous Have we got a tape measure? Hang on, so I'll hold this It's not long enough.
Eight metres.
Exactly.
All right, we'll do eight metres and then we'll see.
I've got something that's half a metre long.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No, I don't meanno! I carry round a ruler with me.
OK, so that's eight metres, and then you went a bit further? Yeah, about here, where I'm standing.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That is mental! I'm going to have a go.
You had a running start, yeah? Yeah, you can do it standing if you want.
All right, I'm going to do a standing start.
Ugh! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's at least a start! I haven't done any training.
You've been at this for eight years, so I reckon, with the right funding That is pretty impressive, though, isn't it? No, it's pretty impressive.
Come ongold medal! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Was it amazing being part of Super Saturday? Yes, it was pretty special.
I mean, it goes down as Mo, Jess, and that random ginger guy who turned up on the day.
(NANCY) Your life will be different after tonight.
(GREG) Oh, really? (NANCY) Yes.
I don't know what Nancy's got planned for you.
Sounds like the ginger kid's getting laid! It is amazing, meeting you, Greg.
You know but it does sort of remind me how shit my year was last year.
Like, you won a gold medal, and, erm I had my bird table stolen.
LAUGHTER Completely different years.
Was that on Super Saturday? Actually, I did have a good Saturday that Saturday, because I had Spaghetti Bolognese for tea, soI'm with you, buddy.
Both winners! When Mo did thedid you think of doing anything? I did kind of consider it, because obviously, the Mobot is massive.
But then I would be ripping it off I hate it.
It's rubbish.
I mean, he's a really nice guy, everyone likes him, but that, it's shit, isn't it? It is, it is.
You know the M from YMCA Y-M Why didn't he just do the M from? It was the M.
That's not the M! That is the M from YMCA.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You thought the M was that? Yeah.
But he's from Down Under, isn't he? OK, let's have a look and see if the Olympics are up there.
Of course.
APPLAUSE The number one thing, the Olympics.
Jess Ennis was at the peak of physical fitness in the heptathlon.
Watching her, I couldn't help feeling ashamed of myself.
Because I could see what I was doing reflected in the telly.
Sean's team.
What do you think the nation enjoyed over the last year in the sporting world? Well, I would say Andy Murray would be one, wouldn't it? Winning the US Open.
The first title he's won.
And he won an Olympic medal, didn't he? Yeah, two.
He's bloody good.
Are you a big fan of Andy Murray? Yeah.
I think he's done a good job for tennis and everything else.
Relatively nice guy, so Relatively nice guy?! Wow! All right, get a room! Jesus! He's a relatively nice guy, he's done a good job for tennis.
His problem is he's had to eradicate his personality.
When he started, you could see on court he's clearly got a lot of passion, but when he started, he would mess about in interviews and do jokes, and he's got a lot of abuse for it.
So now, he just deliberately tries to be as tedious as he can.
His interviews now, after the most incredible tennis game, he'll go, "Yeah, it was quite awkward, "because I hit the ball, but he moved where I'd hit it.
"So I had to hit the ball to the other side, but he moved again.
"Then I tried to go down the middle, but he was there again.
"It was absolutely unbelievable.
" He lost two toenails, but they didn't say which two it was.
Because it's only your big toe and your little toe that have names.
All those other toes This is 100% true.
Andy Murray, during the final, the US Open, he lost two toenails.
They turned black and fell off during the game.
We don't know which two, because? Only your big toe and little toe have names.
The big toe is the only toe that actually does anything.
All the rest of the toes are just hanging around with him.
LAUGHTER If you move If you move your toes Move your toes up and down.
OK, all right, I'm doing it.
I know, everybody's doing it.
I'm doing my big toe now.
The big toe is the only one that actually goes up and down.
All the rest of them are just going, "What's going on?" LAUGHTER My little toe's in a real bad way.
It's rolled right over.
You don't get this on the commentary, do you? You never get a commentator going, "And I imagine Andy Murray's toes are going black.
" Do you play tennis at all, Joe? LAUGHTER No! I'm a bit annoyed, though, because my application to be a ball boy got turned down again.
(SIGHS) I don't know why I bother.
That wasn't by Wimbledon authorities.
It was actually by the local police.
You could just pick the balls up and press them against your beard.
Carry them in your beard.
See, I could do it.
Do you watch tennis? Are you a fan of Andy Murray? No, I'm a fan of Roger Federer.
I do like Andy Murray, but I I have a crush on Roger.
You've got a crush on Roger Federer? Well, if you would like someone that looks a little bit like his special needs younger brother Well, that's what I said! Look no further, my friend! You look like Federer, if he stood in front of that ball cannon and just went, brrrrrrr!! What are you saying?! All puffed up.
No, you come second.
Not often, no.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You just said I can tell you, Andy Murray is not in our top three.
But I don't mean to take anything away from Andy Murray, but let's put this into perspective.
Andy Murray has won one Grand Slam, which means he's won just one more Grand Slam than me.
Jon's team, what else has the nation loved over the last year of sport? I'm thinking football.
The League.
Who won the League.
Manchester City.
The last day of the season.
Phenomenal.
The way they won, not only the last day, the last five minutes.
So that was an extraordinary victory.
Do you like football, Jimmy? LAUGHTER I feel like we're speed dating now.
You don't like football? I don't really like football, no.
You must have liked that, though.
You must have! You cannot watch that and not get excited.
I burnt my house down, and I'm not even a City fan.
I just was so excited, before I knew it, I was lighting a torch and just, "Aargh!" Shall we have a look at that wonderful moment? (COMMENTATOR) It's finished at Sunderland.
Manchester United have done all they can.
That Rooney goal was enough for the three points.
Manchester City are still alive here.
BalotelliAguero! Oh! CROWD ROARS I swear, you'll never see anything like this ever again! So watch it, drink it in.
They've just heard the news at the Stadium of Light.
Two goals in added time for Manchester City.
APPLAUSE Yeah! Nothing? Nothing.
I mean, you know, a bit.
It looked pretty good.
It made it sweet cos they beat Man-U on the last day.
And I understand the rivalry between the two teams, because I have a very similar rivalry with the girl band, Little Mix.
LAUGHTER Because they're worried I want to take their title as the new pop sensation, and you know, sometimes it kicks off.
We had a fight in the pub car park recently.
Four on one's not fair.
They battered me.
But (NANCY) Do you like football? Were you happy about Manchester City winning? Eh? Yes! Sorry, I'm not used to a woman talking to me.
I heard stuff, but it didn't go in.
Sorry.
OK.
Hu-aarrgh! LAUGHTER Aargh! It's hot in here! I feel Well, I can tell you Man City's title win is not up there.
But Manchester City won their first Premier League title in 44 years.
Well, that's not strictly true.
For 43 years straight, they won Shittest Club in Manchester.
That's the end of part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the top sporting moments of the last year - Sean's team? Is it the Bradley Wiggins? (YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Bradley, Bradley Wiggins from Yorkshire.
He won the Tour de France.
He does sound like that.
He does sound He lives in Yorkshire and he sounds like a realYorkshire name Bradley Wiggins.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS My favourite Yorkshire expression is "tin-tin-tin".
Which means it isn't in the tin.
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Tin-tin-tin, no.
Tin-tin-tin.
Not really a saying, something you might use as a proverb, isn't it? Like, you know, "Grandma's fall down t' stairs again.
" "Aye, well, tin-tin-tin.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS I like the way you've added a dance, this has got better! Tin-tin-tin.
If you had Tintin DVDs and they were in the tin, then you could say, "Where have you put DVDs?" "In Tintin tin.
" And then, you went to find it and it wasn't there and you went, "I went to Tintin tin, but it didn't tin-tin-tin.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Do we need to talk about Bradley Wiggins any more? We covered it.
He won the Tour de France which is an incredible achievement.
It's a Herculean task.
The race has 20 stages, it is a total of 3,497 kilometres.
And he did that in 87 hours and 34 minutes, which is way better than my personal best.
If they just made it a bit more interesting, like just clothes peg - a playing card to the back wheel so, at least, you can hear when they're going faster.
Or with stabilisers on.
Or he does the whole tour with E.
T.
in a basket.
Did you watch it? I did, yeah.
That was by far, in my opinion, the biggest sporting moment of the year.
And he got Olympic gold, as well.
The thing is, he did that ten days after winning the tour.
Can you imagine doing that and then going off and doing it again in ten days? I can't imagine the first one, never mind The ten days off is the only bit of that I can relate to.
Exactly.
Didn't he get run over as well, though? After he won.
He was in a petrol station and someone ploughed into him.
The thing I remember is the quote, the woman who knocked him over said, "Of all the people to hit.
" I think she was going, "Why couldn't it have been a kid?" Nancy, what did you make of Bradley Wiggins? Are you aware of his work? Absolutely.
It is one of the greatest, another greatest, moment for Britain's sport.
Do you think he deserved the Sports Personality of the Year? Absolutely, yes.
I think he was the only one who won the Tour de France and then he won the Olympics.
So, absolutely yes.
He looks quite, very cool.
That's the other thing.
It's not only the sport personality, it's the way he looks.
It's quite cool.
Do you like facial hair? As I've probably got twice as much as him.
Well, that's why I do like you.
Eh? Don't know what's happening.
OK, let's see if Bradley Wiggins is up there.
Yes, the three-week Tour de France is one of the world's most gruelling sporting events to watch.
OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
Must be the Paralympics.
Course.
Which was a triumph of everyone.
Cos everyone said, "The Olympics will be shit.
" Then it was amazing and they said, "Well, that'll be it now then.
" Then the Paralympics was amazing as well.
Everyone carried on loving sport.
It was a phenomenal thing for Britain, wasn't it? Absolutely phenomenal.
Did you watch a lot of it? I watched a fair bit, yeah.
I liked the Well, I'll be honest.
My standout moment was Jody Cundy losing his shit.
I did enjoy watching a man just absolutely do what everyone else would want to do.
I think it's the best moment for me.
Have a look at Jody Cundy.
COMMENTATOR: "Well, there's an awful lot of booing.
It's booed out the announcer, but he's just said that there is no restart.
His race is run and it's over.
I'm not fucking wasting four years of my life to fucking sit here and let them rule" (COMMENTATOR) Alfonso Cabello, Spain, with a world record, wins the gold.
Jon-Allan Butterworth of Great Britain second.
Come on.
I'd probably be the same.
That is, honestly, the biggest moment of your life and you have given up everything for it for a few years and then somebody tells you no.
And it actually wasn't his fault, something went wrong with what was gripping his back wheel and it didn't release him.
And his name sounds like a bit like something you'd hear in a clinic.
Can you see me next? I've got a bit of a Jody Cundy.
I did like the people in the wheelchairs.
The Weirwolf was, I mean, he's a monster with that thing.
He got four golds - the T54 800, 1,500 and 5,000 and marathon.
Sounds greedy.
Battersea Dogs Home named a dog after him, didn't they? I had one named after me, as well.
- A dog? - I did, yeah.
I tried to get it for me cos I wanted another dog and they gave it to somebody else.
Wouldn't it confuse you to have a dog with the same name as you? If you are in the park, shouting your own name you'd look like a bit of a dickhead.
Do you know what I call my dog? Attack.
I go, "Attack!" "Attack!" "Go on, Attack!" "Attack!" AUDIENCE LAUGHS He disconcerts everyone in the park.
Let's have a look and see if the Paralympics is up there.
Yes, of course, the Paralympics.
Oscar Pistorius won Paralympic fame for running and has gone on to worldwide fame in shooting and cricket.
So, at the end of that around, it's one point to Sean and two points to Jon.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question Two weeks off.
Best way to relax after a hard day's work is "Two weeks off"? Would you think? Oh, go on.
I like to relax by recreating the scene from Ghost with a potter's wheel.
Where you're? Well, cos I do it with my flatmate, Mark, cos he looks a bit like Whoopi Goldberg.
That's extraordinary.
So, Nancy, how do you relax after a hard day's work? Well, I would lie in a hot bath with a drink and then I have a very deep tissue massage.
Jesus.
LAUGHTER I think I prefer yours.
Well, definitely, you prefer mine.
Who's the masseuse? Well, I don't have to tell on TV, but I have a few.
Oh, that kind of massage, I see.
No! What sort of tissues do you use? Deep tissues Deep tissues! Deep tissues.
Deep tissues.
Is your bath one of the ones that you get in the side and it fills up when you're in there? I had a bath the other day where I had, with technology, I have my iPad on the toilet.
With the lid down, obviously, I'm not an idiot.
And you put a film on your iPad and I had cheese and biscuits and a glass of wine and it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
It's fantastic, you see? Then I finished the cheese and biscuits and I thought, "Oh, I can just watch this downstairs on telly.
" I like to go down to the sauna and apologise for my conduct of the previous evening.
I shouldn't really have come here when I'm drunk and force you to open up.
Sorry about that, last night.
Well, apology accepted.
Greg, how do you relax after training? If it's been a jump session, or something, then I have to get the sand out of bits of my body which is Deep tissue.
Deep tissue.
How are you normally doing the jump? Have you thought of wearing shorts? You'd've thought they'd have invented a substance, like a really thick custard, or something.
So you sort of slide into it and it leaves a groove, but you can just wash the custard off afterwards.
They sandblast it.
The sandblast things they have, instead of that, just get one of those high-powered hoses.
They burn paint off walls.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS OK, so best way to relax after a hard day's work.
I like to hang around by bottle banks.
Or I dress up as a knight.
Sorry, you dress up? Dress up as a knight - full armour and then put a film on.
A "knight in".
That's what they APPLAUSE I do the 165 times tables.
Just run me through the first four or five of those.
(LAUGHS) Well, one times 165 is 165.
Yeah.
Two times 165 is 320.
30! What? Start again, Sean! Start again.
One times, we'll start again.
One times 165 is 165.
Two times 165 is 330.
Three times 165 is CHEERS AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Is it have a drink? It's not have a drink.
Have a drink is number five on the list.
Watch a bit of telly.
The right answer - watch TV.
Yes, the best way to relax after a hard day at work is watch TV.
I like to sit in front of the telly and veg out and by that I mean I don't wear any trousers.
END OF SHOW BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the show which means the scores are Sean, Jimeoin and Greg have one point.
Jon, Nancy and Joe are the winners with three points.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
If you want more, tune into 8 Out Of Ten Cats Uncut on Wednesday.
That's it, good night.
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