8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s15e07 Episode Script

Jack Dee, Victoria Coren, Matt Edmondson, Rob Beckett

1 APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats - smiling on the inside, it's Jack Dee.
Tea for one, it's Matt Edmondson.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight - poker face, it's Victoria Coren.
All hands on deck - it's Rob Beckett.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in 20 couples say they sleep in separate rooms to strengthen their relationship.
I guess they also have sex with other people to prove how much they love each other.
10% of people never talk about food at work and that is because they are too fat to work and besides, they don't want to talk with their mouth full.
And 25% of men never use deodorant, but unfortunately they do use public transport.
Let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the public's top three talking points.
Sean's team, what has the nation been talking about? Oscars? Yes, the Oscars.
Were you excited by them? Not particularly, no.
I don't really like awards ceremonies.
Not because I don't win them.
Awards ceremonies over the years have encouraged me to read, watch and listen to stuff I could quite comfortably have avoided.
There's loads of films, books, records I've listened to because they've won awards and I have wasted my time, wasted my life.
I would never have gone to see Avatar, but it won all these awards, I went to see it, and, oh, Christ.
It's the best Smurf movie ever! It's just bollocks.
It's just utter drivel.
Moving onto Mumford and Sons? Christ! Yeah, fine, if they come round to paint your house, there's loads of them.
Pulling up in their cheeky 1950s van, but you don't want to listen to the same bleeding song over and over again.
Why don't you cheer up? What's the matter with you? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Daniel Day-Lewis, you can't doubt the guy.
What an actor.
He's the proper thing.
He should have got assassinated.
If he was really Method, he should have got himself shot.
I don't see why Method actors are praised.
People say that's the best way of acting.
He trained to be a butcher when he was playing a butcher, but that's the opposite of acting, that's just becoming a butcher.
I've been doing Method for ten years.
I'm actually quite a bubbly chap.
I can reveal now that I'm playing Jack in his upcoming biopic.
I've spent the last ten years getting into role, and I'm ready.
It's annoying, because I auditioned for that.
LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE What's incredible are the speeches.
Actors act because they're tedious people.
From when they were children they've learnt by being other people they make more friends and are more popular.
Have you thought about acting? I can act right now.
I don't need to learn.
I'll do a butcher right now.
I don't need to train to be one.
What do you want, darlin'? Bit of beef? My favourite bit is when people talk differently to how they've been in any role.
But the best one this year was Adele, whose speech really pointed out It was a nice song, but you expect her to go, "Fank yow for my Oscow" but she was like, "Cheers for this, darlin'.
Do you later, babes.
" I felt sorry for Adele.
When she got her award, all the other people were getting awards off Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson - she got hers off Queen Latifah.
How annoyed would you be? You've won an Oscar and Queen Latifah's giving it to you.
It's like getting it off Martine McCutcheon.
I've never heard anyone have a go at Queen Latifah.
She's had it too easy for too long.
Yes, she has.
It's time someone turned on her.
Victoria, did you watch any of the Oscars? I did, I stayed up until 5am.
I thought it was pretty ropey this year, although Shirley Bassey sang Goldfinger.
I am slightly obsessed with the lyrics.
I think about it quite a lot.
It troubles me.
Go on, Goldfinger.
Have you got five minutes? Sure, for this.
It's only a three-minute song.
APPLAUSE It's mostly the line, "Such a cold finger.
" Why would he have a cold finger? First of all, his finger isn't gold.
His name is Goldfinger.
If he did have a gold finger, metal is an excellent conductor of heat, so it could be much hotter than an ordinary finger.
So it wouldn't be such a cold finger.
But later she says he has a spider's touch.
If he had a metal finger, that would be a leaden, heavy touch.
To be fair, this is a film about a man who touches stuff and it turns to gold.
I would have bigger bugbears No, it's not! No, that's king Midas you're thinking of.
You think there's a Bond movie where someone's magic? That's King Midas.
You've got to watch that film again.
Let's see if the Oscars are up there.
Yes, of course.
Yes, the Oscars were held on Sunday.
Daniel Day-Lewis was the big winner.
With his Oscars for My Left Foot, There Will Be Blood and Lincoln, he's won more Oscars for unwatchable, tedious films than anyone in history.
Jon's team, what else has the nation been talking about this week? Er De Pup.
The Pope.
De Pup.
De Pup.
That's the Italian for it.
Oh no! Bye-bye, the Pup.
It was the Pope's last day.
What I don't understand is he quit just before Easter.
It's like a manager resigning before a Cup final.
Surely, it's the biggest gig of the year, chucking chocolate at people.
Then he's quit.
He had to give back his ring.
They have to destroy the ring, apparently.
No, that's Lord Of The Rings.
They have to destroy the Papal ring and they have to get a Hobbit and a volcano.
He's got to go out for a leaving drink.
He's going to have to get a round in for every Catholic.
No wonder they die on the cross or whatever! No, that's Jesus.
That's Jesus, wasn't it? They die on the job.
Yeah, that's the other fella.
The big guy, the chief exec.
He's meant to die on the job, and basically, he's not fulfilled his purpose.
He was meant to do his job until he died and then there's a new Pope.
"He's supposed to die on the job" I wouldn't want to do it.
I'm sympathetic to him.
I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure they're going to You're not in with that much of a shout.
If you're the Pope and you die, you are guaranteed straight to heaven.
It's like being fired out of a cannon.
As soon as you die, boom! In heaven on a cloud.
Whatever you want going on is going on.
Whatever you want nibbling is being nibbled.
He's got the better deal, because in retirement he goes into a castle in Italy with something like 40 nuns or something.
There's a little loophole where if you quit as Pope, you just get given a load of nuns.
Do what you like for a weekend, no questions asked.
He's got a cinema in there, there's a swimming pool, and you can nun yourself to death.
I wonder, because he retired, do you think it's like in an office, you get a box and you have to clear your desk and go? I thought this was very telling, this is very indicative of how camp the Catholic Church is, that he had to give his shoes back.
The little red shoes he wears.
You know the conversation was, "Give the shoes back.
" "Which shoes?" "You know which shoes.
" It makes it sound like being Pope is a bit like going bowling.
It is! Aerosol.
Gives him his old shoes back.
Shall we have a look and see whether the Pope is up there? Yes, the Pope's retired.
Of course, the Pope was famously against using condoms.
He said he couldn't feel anything.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
BUZZER What do you think? I'm hoping it isn't the Lib Dem possibly dodgy, groping I have a theory the newspapers are massively more interested in him and that than anyone else at all.
So I hope that's not on the list.
Lord Rennard is his name, and nobody has heard of him before.
His name is actually Baron Rennard.
Baron Rennard? Which sounds fantastically dashing and sexy.
It's disappointing when you see the picture of him.
Yeah, he's a bit of a unit, isn't he? Even by political standards, intimidatingly unattractive.
Let's have a look.
He looks like he's never seen a frying pan before.
"I can't believe the new invention of the frying pan.
" It's a parliamentary pancake race, it says on the front.
That's what they're doing with their time, not fixing the economy.
Pancake races! You realise when I say horrible things about what he looks like, that's assuming he did grope the people.
If he didn't, what a lovely-looking man! I should make clear Lord Rennard has denied these allegations.
It's always "sex pest" as well.
What happened to "a bit of a perv"? Everyone's got a dodgy uncle, "Don't worry about him, he's just a bit of a perv.
" A grope is definitely bad, fondle is good.
No, fondle is definitely bad when it's a complete stranger.
So what can you do to them? Fumble, fumble is fine! I don't know what a grope is.
You've led a sheltered life.
I feel like a grope has to be fluid.
Do you know what I mean? That's a caress.
No, if it's fluid, you've gone too far.
APPLAUSE Lord Rennard is not one of the most talked about things this week, but ex-Lib Dem peer Lord Rennard has been accused of groping party members.
Lord Rennard was the Lib-Dems' fixer.
He always had his finger on the pulse, leading many to say, "No, Lord Rennard, that's not my pulse.
"Or that.
And you certainly won't find it there.
" One more thing still to get.
BUZZER I'll give you a clue.
Horse meat.
Are we still talking about horse meat? There's horse meat in everything.
I'm sick and bloody tired of hearing about it.
Who gives a shit anyway? What does anyone expect? I've always known there's horse meat.
You buy cheap burgers, put them on the grill, they don't sizzle, they just go "Brrrr!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE People think they can spend £1.
20 on 150 burgers in a box and it's disgraceful because some of it's horse meat.
What the hell did you expect? You're lucky it's horse, frankly.
You are lucky it's horse.
You go for a kebab, right, everyone knows, subconsciously we all know that that's not very nice, what we're eating.
That's why you have to have five or six pints before you summon up the courage to have a kebab, because you know basically it's hospital waste on a stick.
I've seen them.
I've seen one that had a plimsoll on it going around.
You expect kebabs to be made out of missing townsfolk.
Everything has got bloody horse meat.
One Direction are 28% horse meat.
Harry Styles, they give him sugar lumps when he's done a good show.
This is my favourite quote.
Iceland's chief executive Malcolm Walker insisted that supermarkets should not be expected to test for horse in any of their products any more than they should have to test for hedgehogs.
It just makes you go, "Why did you mention hedgehogs?" There was a panic story that maybe the Queen's eaten a horse.
The Queen! This is a woman who has eaten a throat out of a badger.
She wouldn't care.
They'll eat anything.
Apparently, she was served what could have been partly horse meat at Ascot, but at least she knew it was fresh.
Would you eat a horse? No, I wouldn't.
I was a vegetarian for many years, which is why I've not developed into a full-grown adult.
I was going to ask about that.
I'm so glad you've mentioned it.
I wouldn't eat a horse.
I'm quite funny with meat now.
What won't you eat? I've not gone for pork yet, because pork feels too similar when you eat it to how it looks in the farm.
Bacon is like somebody has taken a potato peeler to the back of a pig and then gone, "Just eat that.
" You're making me hungry just saying that.
Really? I like the crackling when it's still got some hair on it.
Really? Oh, no.
Yeah, but you mean that as a euphemism, you dirty sod.
APPLAUSE I'll eat anything.
I think we should farm elephants.
They're massive.
Covered in meat.
I'd have big elephant farms.
And I'm not talking about locally sourced, small independent producers.
I'm talking about massive factory farms with tens of thousands of elephants in there, chained up, bred entirely for the meat.
You could smell them in Inverness.
It stinks.
About 60 square miles of elephants chained up.
I just thought, their trunk, imagine the calamari you could get Ooh! Once I get elected, we're going to have elephant farms.
Is horse meat one of the most talked about things this week? The most talked about thing.
Yes, the horse meat scandal continues.
IKEA have stopped selling meatballs after finding they contained horse meat.
It's terrible! If you can't trust cheap meat products sold as an afterthought in a Swedish furniture shop, what can you trust?! Those were the most talked about things this week.
In other news, a woman in Las Vegas has been caught having sex with a dog in her front yard.
Oh, God! Get a kennel! It's her own fault.
She'd been leading him on for years.
Police found the dog burying his bone in her back garden.
It's one point to Jon and two points to Sean.
That's it for Part One.
See you after the break! Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
What do you like the look of? The big ship.
The Titanic.
That is the Titanic.
This week, an Australian tycoon unveiled plans for Titanic 2, a replica of the Titanic.
We asked our studio audience would you travel on Titanic 2 - yes or no? Definitely not.
It's going to take the same route as the original Titanic and it is an exact replica.
I very much hope it sinks in that case.
Well, sorry, people getting off on the idea of being on the Titanic and going on the same route which killed 1,300 people.
I think that's sick.
What are you going to do next? Are you going to go on a Lockerbie flight? I mean, you're right about it.
You wouldn't go on the Costa Concordia, would you? You wouldn't go on a recreation of that.
That was a few months ago, but because this was decades ago, people think it's all right.
It is a bit poignant.
It is a bit grisly.
If they did do it, I'd like to stand in the harbour at New York in a top hat going, "Where have you been?" "What's going on?" I've got a beard about a mile long.
Into the harbour.
So, you wouldn't go on this? I wouldn't go on a cruise in the modern day era let alone back when the Titanic was happening.
Because it's rubbish.
It's like checking on to a floating prison.
You can't really do anything on a cruise.
Has anyone being on a cruise? On Hampstead Heath, yes.
Very different vibe.
I don't like boats, I get bored of waving.
You have to wave all the time, don't you? Why do you have to wave on a boat? Ridiculous.
You don't do it on a train.
"I'm on a boat.
" "Get over it.
" Imagine that on the tube every day.
" It would take forever.
I'm sick of it.
On a boat! Chill out! Would you go on this? When are you going to get a better chance to do practical jokes? How many laughs do you reckon you'd get? I'd be up every morning just going, "Iceberg! Dead ahead!" Or you just stand by the lifeboats, never leave them, just lean on them all the time.
Anyone comes near, you go, "Fuck off!" I wouldn't go on Titanic 3.
Like, if that one goes down as well, they go, "We're going to do a third one," that's when I go, "Look, you need to stop doing Titanics.
" This one's going to be safer than any boat because they're going to be so aware.
I'd rather get on the plane the day after a plane crash because I think, there are not going to be two, are there? But if there hasn't been one for ages, and I get on a plane Are you aware of 9/11? Are you aware of 10/11? No, nothing happened.
Very good.
So, would you travel on the Titanic 2, yes or no? What do you think our audience said? No.
Of course they said yes! Of course they said yes, you dick.
Don't be a dick about it, Jimmy.
I can tell you the answer is yes, 74% of our studio audience said they would travel on Titanic 2.
The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER Ow! Obviously not like that.
Is it hang around after night prayers? Night prayers? That comes just before let's strip down to our pants prayers? It comes just before in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.
OK, best way to make friends.
You tell a woman that you love her.
She says, "I think we're friends.
" It's better when you could just ask when you were a kid and you'd go up to someone and say, "Do you want to be friends?" If you do that now, it looks weird.
If you're making mates with someone in the office, there's no point at which you have to go, "Can I just clarify - are we friends? "We can't be best friends "because I made best friends with Sue last week.
" I'll tell you a better way that isn't weird is to throw someone's dog in a pond and pretend you rescued it.
Did they see you throw the dog in the pond? Because I don't think it's going to work that way around.
They just see you climbing out with the dog.
They don't know.
You become friends and it's not weird.
It's going to be weird for them watching this, isn't it? Can't dogs swim? Before she did it, she broke its legs.
Is it that you steal their things and then pretend you found them in a hedge? Stop ruining other people's lives.
48% of people meet their true friends at work.
Is that true for you? Have you met friends at work? You're a professional gambler most of the time.
Yeah, but I'm terrible at making friends.
That's why I play poker, because you sit with a bunch of people and you play a game and drink and chat.
And they are friends, but friends where at the end of the evening, you go, "I think you owe me £100.
" That sounds like prostitution.
Well, that's simply the way I make friends.
Rob, what do you think? You don't need many friends.
I mean, I've got about six.
I could do with cutting a few off.
It's just hard work.
According to a recent survey, the average British person has three true friends and another 19 mates.
I call everyone mate and I don't mean it.
What do you think, Matt? Well, it's weird when your job is to interview pop stars because you have that false friendship thing.
They come onto your radio show or whatever it is.
And I've had it in the past where you think, I'm probably not going to get on with this person.
And they come on and you become good friends.
What odd people have you become friends with? There is a grime artist called Skepta.
Oh, Skepta, yes.
You know him.
Cowabunga, dude.
You don't have to tell me anything about Skepta.
He and I have kind of become friends just through being interviewed a few times.
I did an interview where I mounted him in a piggyback from behind and he had to hold my weight whilst we had a little chat.
Since then, we've been nearly inseparable.
Just to let you know, the thing about Skepta is he doesn't let his real friends do that to him.
Don't crush my dream, Sean.
It's weird that you weren't at Skepto's birthday party last night.
Skepta, but yeah.
Skepto? What d'you call him? Skepta.
If you're mates, you call him Skepto.
Skepto! Are you going around his later? What, Skeppy's? Yeah.
Couple of pints.
Skeppo! I'm going down there, we're going to hit a bin with a brick for a bit.
It'll be great.
OK, best way to make friends.
Is it just to do it on Facebook? Once you've clicked, it's official.
I'll give you a clue, it's to do with listening.
Asking questions, go to the pub.
Listening to someone moaning on.
That'll do.
Listening is close enough.
The best way to make friends is to listen to people's problems.
Of course, people like me have the opposite problem.
Too many friends.
It's like every make-up girl we've ever had on this show has had to leave because I'm too friendly.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the show and the final scores are Jon, Victoria and Rob have two points.
Sean, Jack and Matt have three points.
They've won! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
If you want more, tune in to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Uncut on Wednesday.
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