8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s15e06 Episode Script

Alex Jones, Joe Wilkinson, Danny Dyer, Miles Jupp

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats 'She's the One, it's Alex Jones.
'The beard and the wonderful, it's Joe Wilkinson, 'and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
'And facing them tonight, '(COCKNEY ACCENT) "Sha' up, you slag!" 'It's Danny Dyer.
'His legs go on for miles, it's Miles Jupp, 'and their team captain, Sean Lock.
'Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
' Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in five women have been offended by a partner calling them curvy.
On behalf of men everywhere, I'd just like to say, "Sorry, Fatty.
" 79% of pet owners sleep with their pets, but be careful.
The last time I did one, I woke up and my duvet was soaking wet and my goldfish was dead.
And 12% of adults regularly get sucked into money-making schemes.
I got sucked into a money-making scheme.
I made 50 quid and to be honest, it didn't taste half as bad as I expected.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess what the British public think are the top three most intriguing, unexplained phenomena.
Sean's team, what weird, strange things are people interested in? Ohh What do you think? UFOs, UFOs.
I think he's saying "UFOs.
" Here we go, straight away.
What are they, unidentified flying objects? I've always thought, as soon as they identify it, then it's just a flying object.
Then if it lands, it's just an O.
You believe in UFOs, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I've seen 'em.
You've seen 'em? What did you see when you saw them? Well, I've seen a fucking UFO, didn't I? You know, I don't know what it was, but it was flying about.
Weren't a helicopter, weren't a plane, it was a UFO.
Could it have been a kite? Might have been a kite.
I think it's ridiculous to think we're the only things out there and it's impressive if we are, no? D'you know what I mean? We're the most intelligent things out there.
Well, not you specifically.
LAUGHTER You walked into that.
I know I did.
Miles, do you believe in aliens? Er, I'm not sure.
I'm just not impressed by the fact that UFOs tend to be saucers.
You'd think they'd evolve in some way.
If you think about the changes that, for instance, the potato peeler has gone through in that time.
You'd imagine things from another planet might have developed their means of getting around a little bit more.
The fact that when they get here they always probe us and have sex with us, makes me think they probably come all the time but we're just like Marbella.
It's just where they come to get off with you.
"Going to Earth, are you? Take your probe.
" I've got little dogs that I bought recently, and we bring them to the vet about once every three weeks, and the vet, as soon as he sees my dogs just goes, "Better put my finger up his bum.
" It must be a similar kind of thing, maybe they're just a higher life form, they're trying to look out for us, going Take the V off "vet" and you've got ET.
Yeah! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If aliens do land, I'd quite like to be the person that greets them off the spaceship.
LAUGHTER The chances of you being elected to that post! I'd actually make a very good ambassador for the planet, Jimmy.
What would you say when you met the alien? Well, for a start, I'm polite.
I'd lay on a buffet.
And my mum's got a car so if they need driving about LAUGHTER .
.
happy to do it.
You do have the look of someone who's been abducted.
They go for your type.
No-one believes us.
If you had been abducted, you can't prove it, can you? No, I can't.
You can only say you've been abducted Have you had people on The One Show aboutyou must have.
We have, yeah, I mean, Olivia Newton-John swears that she's seen a UFO.
Case closed.
But so, hang on.
So has Peter Andre and Katie Price.
Danny, you went to America and you properly went in and saw footage of these? I went to see a geezer called Stan Romanek, who's been abducted since he wasI sound like such a prick talking about this.
No, it's interesting.
And he's been abducted since he was a kid and he showed me some mad shit, all right? What did he show you? Cos I saw the documentary.
He showed me an alien.
Poking his head through a window.
LAUGHTER And, erm You can't argue with that.
Honestly, I didn't know what to say! What can you say? It popped its little nut up over the window, had a look at him, he screams.
He showed me another one with(SIGHS) What was the other one? The other one was in his kitchen, this one! It's got in.
And you see its fingers come round the door frame, right long fingers.
It come round and then it's it's got a massive nut, this one.
Bigger than the other one.
Right.
And did it say anything? Did it have a message? It didn't say fuck all, just looked at him.
LAUGHTER And erm, you know, d'you know what? I'm going to fuck off home, I think.
LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if UFOs are up there.
The number one thing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, UFOs.
I once found myself surrounded by these strange, misshapen humanoids.
I didn't know what to say so I just said the first thing that popped into my head.
Hello, Norwich.
Jon's team, what do you think are the other, most intriguing unexplained phenomena? It's got to be ghosts.
Got to be ghosts.
D'you believe in ghosts? 100%.
100%.
Have you seen a ghost? I'm going to sound a little bit mental now, though, aren't I? Babe, babe, listen LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH I do feel better, in fairness.
You've been through it first.
Go on, what happened? Third date with current boyfriend, and we went to a tapas restaurant on the King's Road in London, and we had drinks.
Anyway, I felt weird, the restaurant's really empty, but yet there's a girl sat right next door to you.
And I didn't say anything.
After a while, I got my menu and went ("It's weird.
) ("Loads of room, why is she sitting next to you?") And he was like, "What?" And literally, he swears that there was nobody there.
I swear there was a girl there wearing a check shirt and a denim jacket.
LAUGHTER Alex, this could be a career-ending appearance for you.
Over at the BBC they're going, "Ooh!" You must have pulled some moves when you got back, cos I don't get many dates but I still think if I was on one and the girl saw a dead girl sat next to me "I'll probably, I'll call you, erm "I'm going to move away from the country.
" Miles, d'you believe in ghosts? On the basis of some of the facts we've heard tonight, I think they must exist.
I sometimes practise being a ghost.
Tell me more.
So, in the next life I won't be shit at it.
That'd be embarrassing, so I kind of do different things to practise, I move stuff, slam doors.
Occasionally, I stand at the end of a stranger's bed while they sleep.
LAUGHTER Practise, get it right, you know, for when the time comes.
Dress up as a small girl, chill out in a tapas restaurant, see what happens.
Danny, I'm not going to ask whether you've seen a ghost I have seen one.
I'm not going to ask, Danny, cos I'm just going to show this.
There's basically this long alleyway, with a big (BLEEP) wall that side and a big fence that side, and this was about three bells in the morning.
Jumped over, me and me pal, walking along, bit paranoid, and we saw someone walking towards us.
We thought, "Don't want to bring it on top, "turn round and go the other way, we'll just keep (BLEEP) walking.
" Kept walking, getting closer, nut down, didn't really want to look.
As he's got closer, it was a monk.
A monk, with all the (BLEEP) gear on and all that.
So I didn't really pipe that much, I thought, "(BLEEP), right, sweet as.
he's a bit of a fat (BLEEP).
"Have it on our toes, we'll be able to get away from him.
" Anyways, walk past this monk, and no word of a lie, I'd say ten seconds later, we look round, the (BLEEP) was gone.
There was an old monastery round there, we later found out.
Now, I wish now, looking back on it, I'd have had a right pipe at his boat.
Cos it was obviously a (BLEEP) ghost.
I wish I'd have studied the (BLEEP) a bit more and (BLEEP) took it in more.
But I swear to God, it was a (BLEEP) old (BLEEP) Frightened the life out of me, to be honest.
Been on me nut for a long time.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Danny, do you still regret not having more of a pipe at his boat? I do.
Listen, there's three alternatives, right? It was a monk Wandering round in the middle of the night.
Just knocking about, right? It was, like, a fat geezer dressed as a monk, fit as a fiddle that could jump over a 20-foot wall.
Or I was off me fucking nut.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's see if ghosts are up there.
Yes, ghosts.
I wrote a book about poltergeists and I'm pleased to say it's literally flying off the shelves.
What other unexplained phenomenon are up there? Sean's team.
The Loch Ness Monster.
I can tell you facts about the Loch Ness Monster.
It was first spotted in 1934.
Yeah, see, I think I think that's like What do you think, Danny? I've seen it, and, er LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What I want to know was, what was Nessie doing in the East End? I went up there, you know she's fucking off, where's she going? There's nobody there, Danny! LAUGHTER I don't believe in that one, that's one I don't believe in.
I believe in everything else, but I'm not having that Nessie bollocks.
I've had it! Over 1,000 people claim they've seen the Loch Ness Monster.
You can go to Loch Ness any time and they say, "Oh, you should have come here yesterday.
"Nessie was out in Holland & Barrett buying zinc tablets.
" Loch Ness has got a Facebook page.
So it must have gone to an internet cafe at some point.
That's a photo from 1934.
I mean, that's irrefutable, isn't it? I think it's a synchronised swimmer.
That's what it is, synchronised swimming.
The Loch Ness Monster is not up there.
OK, Jon's team, what other unexplained phenomenon, strange and wonderful things do people find fascinating? Psychics.
Have you ever visited a psychic? Eight times.
Eight times? Again, don't let this steer you in any direction as to whether I'm nuts or not.
What did they tell you? Lots of different stuff, but I think the most weird one was when I was walking out of Boots, you know, Boots.
And, erm LAUGHTER So I'm walking out of Boots and this deranged-looking woman comes towards me.
She said, "You must buy a crystal.
" I went, "I'm all right" She didn't have a check shirt on, did she? She was older.
She said, "You must buy a crystal," and I said, "I'm all right.
I don't want a crystal.
" And she said, "Well, I'll give you the crystal.
" I said, "All right.
" And she said, "It's good luck.
"You've got to ditch that boyfriend of yours.
"He's very handsome but you've got to get rid of him, "he's no good for you.
"Next boyfriend, look for someone with a J in their surname.
" Sure enough, two weeks later, new man, J in the surname.
That's you doing what you're told.
No! See, she searched me out to give me that information.
They look after you.
Jon, don't look like that.
It was the "She searched me out," thing.
Afterwards? There was a lot of people in Boots, and LAUGHTER She could have picked anybody, but she was drawn to me and gave me, and these people don't give crystals away willy-nilly.
I recently visited a psychic and he could tell that I was unsuccessful with women and .
.
sometimes got mistaken for being homeless just by looking at me.
That's weird.
That is crazy kind of powers.
Danny, do you believe in psychics? I done that Sally Morgan, and I was sort of open to it and she wanted to meet me at a dog track.
LAUGHTER Of course Cockney and all that, so I spent about two hours with her and I'll tell you what, the bollocks coming out of her mouth, right! Cos she went, "I'm going to do something I never do.
"I'm going to tell you what dog is going to win the next race.
" What did she say, greyhound? No, listen, listen.
I swear, listen.
She told me what one it was, I've put a ton down on it, £100, Jimmy, right? Sure, I'm with you.
The fucking thing come last! LAUGHTER Let's see if psychics are up there.
Yes, psychics.
Whenever Most Haunted's on, it does make me wonder, "What's on the other side?" So at the end of that round, it's one point to Sean's team and two points for Jon's team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it for Part One, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Jon, Alex, Joe, what do you like the look of? (JON) Erm, we'll have Lady Gaga.
OK.
What do you think? Well, it's all about looking cool for me.
Under this, I'm wearing quite expensive lingerie.
It's impractical, but I feel great.
LAUGHTER Gives you the support you need.
No, it doesn't.
It's the opposite - it's right up my arse.
(ALEX) I think it's age-dependent.
People, you know, maybe - got to be careful here - 40 I'm 40, yeah.
.
.
downwards, go for, you know, look cool.
Have you seen the two guys you're sitting with? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Do you suffer for fashion? Do you wear heels, do you wear uncomfortable things to look good? Mm-hmm.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'll have a heel.
If there's heels available.
If there's heels available, you'll have a heel? But I also like a flat Converse.
I really want to say, "I've got a rocket in my pocket," in your accent.
Go on.
(WELSH ACCENT) I've got a rocket in my pocket.
APPLAUSE Danny, would you rather be practical, or look cool? I try a bit of both.
I can't be fucked wearing a suit and that, know what I mean? Can't do a tie.
Can't do a tie? No, I can't do a tie.
Embarrassing, innit? Oi! Go on, mate, do him! Yeah(!) LAUGHTER Well, this is the fight we've been waiting for.
Are you fucking giving it the big 'un? What's going on here? Yeah, mate, you're giving it the big 'un.
He's a dickhead! There comes a time in a man's life when he goes, "Yeah, slippers, come on.
" I've got a pair of slippers, don't worry about that.
What have you gone for - the UGG slipper? I've got my moccasin, I'm old school.
Moccasin? I hadn't really considered a moccasin.
Don't put the whole moccasin on.
Just push the back of it down so that it's more of a flip-flop.
You're exactly right.
So you can just sort of slip your trotters into them, you know? Slip me trotters in, yeah.
Shuffle about, you know.
Shuffle about, yeah.
When you kick them off and lie down, you don't have to fuck about with taking them off.
Why the fucking hell am I talking about moccasins?! LAUGHTER Miles, would you say you are a slave to fashion? Yeah, for instance, what young Danny was just talking about with his slippers, I have a similar attitude towards my espadrilles in the summer.
Always keep the backs down, certainly.
Practical and cool.
I mean, you would It's not practical.
I know we're all having a laugh, but they come off when you're going downstairs.
Fine when you go upstairs.
When you go off the first step, your bloody slipper slides down the stairs.
Who says I am planning to go up or downstairs, hmm? Maybe I have moved into a bungalow to be safer! Sean, what do you think - practical? Do you go practical now? What do you mean "now"? LAUGHTER I mean, for the show you dress down a little bit, but heels and It's a liberty, that is.
"Dress down"? That's a strong top he's got on there.
Yes.
It's a very strong top.
You could do with the old collars up a bit, I think.
Have a pair of bollocks about you.
Fucking LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is that better? Do I look better? You look like you're ready for a tear-up there, you know? Grrrr! Oh, crikey! Crikey! My tailor always says it's very important to have a pair of bollocks about you.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think? True! You think practical is the way forward.
What do you think, Jon? We think false.
People like to look cool? OK, I can tell you the answer is true.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question Alex, what do you think you've learnt on The One Show? You have interesting people on every day.
I don't know.
Well, things that don't really help you in real life.
Go on Such as? Such as, seagulls live till they're 40, potentially.
Do they?! That's too long for a seagull.
Too long.
Two types of tidal energy.
(SEAN) What, in and out? No, no, no.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You do learn a lot, but sometimes, when I am not sure, I make things up.
Do you? I mean, few and far between, Jimmy, but I can't hand-on-heart say that 100%, all the facts are correct.
(DANNY) I want to go on this One Show.
You reckon they'll have me on there, or what? Danny, you're welcome.
You should get Danny to do an investigation, cos you often get people in to do reports.
He'd be amazing.
He's done reports before.
No, I want to be the main guest.
I don't want to get palmed off with the five-minute thing.
LAUGHTER Baby steps, Danny, baby steps! We've got to build up towards that.
I would rather see them carry on with Gyles Brandreth doing it, but you get to direct and write the script.
Gyles Brandreth having to say, "Now, I have come here "to try on these cardigans, but she is fucking mugging me off.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Miles, have you learnt anything from TV? Yeah, I have learnt the ease with which Postman Pat can be distracted from his round has dire implications for the overall efficiency of the Royal Mail.
It's a worrying, worrying trend.
He gets involved in other people's problems, doesn't he? He's nosy.
He's nosy.
He thinks he's being helpful, but Stop chasing cats, deliver my fucking letters! Busy (BLEEP), isn't he? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Good postman and all that, lovely little cat, but one busy (BLEEP), do you know what I mean? Sean, have you learnt anything else from television? I mean, other than the recent revelations? I just can't wait to bump into an animator somewhere and say, "What are you working on?" He goes, "This new show called Busy (BLEEP).
" LAUGHTER Joe, have you learnt anything from television? The only thing I have learnt is that people on X Factor who say, "I know I have got the X-factor," don't tend to have the X-factor.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it that chefs, for some strange reason, are allowed to swear? You can't swear on gardening or property shows.
I have never heard Kevin McCloud, halfway through Grand Designs, go, "Winter is drawing in, but they still haven't got the fucking roof on!" LAUGHTER When you need to swear, that's worth waiting for.
Not because some broccoli is overcooked.
"They haven't got a roof!" But Gordon does need to swear.
He's obviously got issues.
You don't get those lines in your face worrying about roast potatoes, do you? You got pretty close to it.
Chefs, cooking.
That's the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, the top thing people learn from TV shows are cooking tips.
The best thing about my girlfriend's cooking is that I know exactly what I'm going to get - gastroenteritis.
BUZZER SOUNDS That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are - Jon, Alex and Joe have two points, Sean, Danny and Miles are the winners with three points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
If you want more, tune into 8 Out Of 10 Cats Uncut on Wednesday.
That's it from us.
Good night.
CHEERING Red Bee Media Ltd