8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s16e05 Episode Script

Series 16, Episode 5

1 This programme contains strong language CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the one and only Alex Jones.
As easy as D-O-D, it's David O'Docherty.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, all wrapped up - it's Tinchy Stryder.
That's the way to do it - it's Katherine Ryan.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 1.
5 million Britons would like to be buried with their mobile phone? And if you answer it when you're sitting behind me in the cinema, you will be.
One in 20 people have held a party for their cat's birthday.
Even the cat's thinking, "This is a bit tragic.
" And 22% of nightclub hook-ups are one-night stands.
Yeah, who would have thought, the guy you tugged off in a toilet cubicle two minutes after meeting him in Hollywood's Nightclub, Romford, wouldn't turn out to be the love of your life? But if you ARE watching, Darren, call me.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It was Halloween this week, so tonight, our panellists' job is to guess the top three things people are scared of.
Jon's team, what do you think scares people? What are you scared of? Erm, well, see, I say this with trepidation - What are you scared of? - Ghosts.
Because last time you were on the show, you spoke about ghosts, - because you've seen a ghost.
- Yes.
- Have you seen anything since you were last on? - Er, no.
But I have seen three, so, don't play it down.
- I mean, there's three.
- Yes, you think you've seen three.
- Mmm.
- JON SNIGGERS LAUGHTER I don't want the one of these people who sees ghosts.
No, and there's medication you can take to stop that.
I mean, if you forget to take it, you will see them.
- Yeah.
- Has anyone else seen ghosts? Do you believe in the paranormal? I haven't seen ghosts, but I'm kind of scared of ghosts.
Yeah, cosI'm just scared.
LAUGHTER You are little.
I've got some thing about, when I was younger You know what, let me cut the story short - I'm just scared.
I think there's a happy medium between a really long story that goes on too long and - I mean, really, that's just a bullet point there, I feel.
- Yeah.
- Give us a bit more.
When you were young - That's it.
There's no story.
I'm just scared of ghosts.
Actually, not every ghost.
Casper was all right.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, Casper was a friendly ghost.
- Yeah.
- Are you scared of ghosts, Katherine? - Absolutely not.
And I promise you, ghosts are more afraid of you than you are of them.
More scared of you than you are of them? That's spiders, isn't it? Ooh, spider ghosts! Spider ghosts! Spider ghosts! Ohhh! You know, Naomi Watts said that the ghost of Princess Diana visited her and gave her permission to make the film, Diana.
But I feel like if Diana came back, she'd be straight into Kate Middleton like, "Fill your knickers with jewels and run!" JIMMY CHUCKLES She should have that on a crest.
Sean, are you scared of ghosts? You seem like a very level-headed man, but No, no, I'm not.
But I What's the point? LAUGHTER Yeah! But, no, obviously, there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Er - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I tempt all the ghosts, all the demons, all the spirits, all the dark forces of the underworld, I tempt you now - do your worst.
Visit on me the seven circles of hell.
Visit me with your Do you mind doing this when we're not here? Tinchy is scared.
We've been through this.
I think it's a bit much, asking for a ghost, Sean, to appear on a TV show.
There are certain scenarios in which you tend not to get a lot of ghosts.
You know, you don't tend to get ghosts in Argos.
You've never heard, "Aargh, the blue pens were all just flying! "A number came up and I went to get the electric blanket, - "and it wasn't ready yet!" - HE MIMICS EXPLOSIONS I hope there ARE ghosts.
- There are.
- Well, all right then.
- A bit of good news for you, Jon.
- Fact! I would like to come back as a ghost.
No, you wouldn't.
You and I are having troubles.
He'd be the most mundane ghost ever.
"Well, that surface could get slippy.
Better dry it.
" Whooo! Oh, no, you'd be a friendly, cardigan-wearing I was going to be, but I think I know someone who's getting haunted.
Argh! I can tell you, ghosts are not one of the scariest things.
But if you see a ghost, there are three things you must do immediately.
Number one - put down that drink.
Two - turn the lights on.
And, three - stop making things up.
LAUGHTER What?! No! Wahh! - A bit.
- A little bit.
OK, other scary things.
Sean's team, what scares you? Ooh, Primark on a Saturday.
Ahhhh-ahhhh! And the biting and the blood If you ever want to know what it's like to just have a true nightmare, drink a two-litre bottle of Coke and stand in the middle of a Primark.
Your heart will be racing, and you'll never be afraid of ghosts again.
- It'll toughen you up, - Don't go, Tinchy.
- I don't think so.
- They'll take you to the place where they take children that have lost their parents.
LAUGHTER You'll be waiting there for ages.
So, it's not Primark on a Saturday morning.
What else? People are scared of horror films.
People go and see horror films deliberately to get scared.
I like a horror film.
Do you like a horror film? Not particularly, no.
See, there's one good reason for horror films, and it's that it's an opportunity for intimacy between teenagers, you know, and it's ideal, because if you take someone to see Saw II, anything you do to them afterwards seems like a treat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's one reason for it.
- Do you watch horror films? - Yeah! - Do you?! - Oh, I love them! - No, you don't! - Oh, I love them! It's nice to be scared, because then when it ends, that's the thing.
You're scared, and then it ends.
You think, "Oh, well, at least my balls aren't getting electrified.
" That's not a horror film.
But if 8 Out Of 10 Cats was a horror film, I would be the one stumbling through the woods, crying.
Running away.
I've worked out what it would be.
Sean would be You'd be the one I was running away from.
I would find your house, think you were a nice guy, but then you turn out to be worse than him.
I can't believe he's totally figured this out.
And I was chasing you to warn you about Jimmy.
That's the reason I was going - HE SCREAMS MANIACALLY - .
.
"Jon! Jon! Jon!" LAUGHTER - HE GROWLS - I'll kill them all! OK, Alex, do you watch horror films? Erm, I'm No, because two have put me off.
- Which two? - The first one would be Candyman.
- Ooh! - Candyman's amazing.
But the other one, when I was really, really young, I watched this film about these kids, and they were out on a boat on a lake, and then one by one, they'd disappear, and you wouldn't see them.
And the song was Dance, dance, wherever you SHE HUMS THE LORD OF THE DANCE Can't listen to that any more.
The Harvest Festival's tough for you, isn't it? Are you sure it wasn't just Riverdance? They were just disappearing off the sides of the stage? - But it was horrible! - So, they're on a boat and then, what? - They fall off? - Well, I don't know, they just disappear.
- Jaws? - I mean, I was about eight.
- Yeah, Jaws is - It wasn't Jaws! because there was no (bloody) shark.
If it's a lake, it's the coarse water version of Jaws.
Trout.
LAUGHTER OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
- APPLAUSE - Yes, horror movies.
I often watch horror films hiding behind the sofa, so my neighbours don't know I'm there.
LAUGHTER Jon's team, what else is the nation scared of? DAVID LAUGHS People are scared of going to the dentist, aren't they? I know YOU'RE not, but some people are.
LAUGHTER I was wondering about your teeth, are these for best, those teeth? Do you have a set for just wearing at home? Yeah, these are for special.
These are for best.
Those are your best teeth? Do you know, I'm upset, Mr Carr, because Cheryl Cole was voted best smile in this country, and I feel like you deserved that.
I don't know if she's got the best smile.
I think Rylan has got the best smile.
- AUDIENCE GROANS - Yeah, take a look at Rylan.
LAUGHTER - Is that real? - Yeah.
Armitage Shanks did his.
That's incredible.
That's - Is that genuinely his teeth? - Those are his teeth, yeah.
OK, Katherine, you recently tweeted that you were quoted £6,000 to straighten your teeth.
Let's have a look at the tweet.
I can't see what they would have done.
They're fine.
Well, if I had £6,000, I'd sort out my willy finger syndrome, because LAUGHTER You have got a touch of the willy fingers there, haven't you? Each one of my fingers looks like a small penis.
Not THAT small.
I had to get a brace the year before last for I got punched in the face in a Chinese takeaway.
Yeah, there was a drunk man in, and he was being racist to the man behind the counter, and so that does not happen when the D-Man's around.
So Sure, The Enforcer.
I told him to shut up, and so he swung, but he was so drunk, he went that way and fell over that way, and so I stepped back and then he went that way, and he fell that way, and, like, this could have gone on for hours.
But the man behind the counter, "the victim," just looked up, had missed what had gone on before, and just saw two pricks fighting, and he jumped over the counter and punched me in the face.
LAUGHTER So it knocked that tooth back a quarter of an inch.
OK, let's see if going to the dentist is in our top three.
- APPLAUSE - Yes, going to the dentist.
When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist.
He was a paedophile.
OK, what else are people scared of? Sean's team? Erdeath.
- Death? - People are generally scared of dying, aren't they? Are you scared of dying, Sean? Well, I'm getting older, so it's become more of a pressing concern.
How would you like to go? Muffled by flesh.
LAUGHTER I'd like to be cremated and then made into pencils.
- When I'm dead.
- Is there lead in you? LAUGHTER Stick around, baby, you might just find out! Carbon, isn't it? Carbon, for pencils? Graphite? - I could be a carbon pencil.
- And lead, no? And it would be a good way of teaching kids to be more careful with their writing, if, say, their pencils were made out of dead relatives.
If they made a mistake and had to rub it out, you're rubbing a loved one off the face of the earth forever.
Whereas, if you don't make a spelling mistake, then you've turned Grandad into a lovely poem.
You really understand the mind of a child, don't you? LAUGHTER Tinchy, if you had to die, how would you like to die? If I had to die, I don't know.
Maybe on a plane.
LAUGHTER On a plane? It's very few people's first choice.
It's interesting you went for On a plane, you know, when you're going down, I feel like you're just, like, I don't know like a rollercoaster ride.
I suppose, right until the impact, it's pretty good.
- I've had a near death experience on a plane.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I was flying to America, and they had a problem with one of the engines and people started getting very nervous and edgy, and then the other engine packed up, and the plane was plummeting towards the ocean, the Atlantic Ocean.
There was just panic, pandemonium on the plane, and I remember for some reason, it was quite interesting, because I realised I wasn't actually that bothered.
I was quite calm and composed.
I was a bit pissed off they turned the film off.
LAUGHTER And there was a little old lady sitting next to me and she was in terrible state, and I felt responsible.
I was very calm, she was just going, "Aargh!" I took her hand and I brought it down onto the armrest and I just looked in the eye, and I said, "Fuck you, old lady!" "We're going to die!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's see if death is up there.
Of Course it is! - APPLAUSE - The most frightening thing.
Yes, the top thing people are scared of is death.
Personally, I'd like to die as I live, charging each funeral goer £25 plus booking fee.
So at the end of that round, Jon's team have one point, Sean's team have two points.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Sean, Katherine, Tinchy, pick a question.
- We'll have the picture of Tinchy.
- OK, you've chosen Tinchy.
Most people think rapping is harder than singing, true or false? I rap so I'll say singing is harder because I can't sing.
And I think rapping's easy.
Have you ever tried rapping? I've never tried rapping because it would be the worst thing in the world.
I think you should try it, as in now.
AUDIENCE CHEER I would say that is about as likely as me getting my balls out.
AUDIENCE CHEER Go on, teach Katherine how to rap.
Katherine, can you? - Katherine's got - I could rap you a love song.
- All right, lyrics.
First of all, let's make it simple.
If you say one line, that's a bar.
- Yeah.
- Two linesso to make it easy, - let's do four bars for you.
- OK.
And you say you want to talk about love? - Yeah, I want to talk about you and me.
- Are you in love? - Yes.
- Tell me how deep you're in love in four lines.
- I'll talk about Try and rhyme it as well.
I'm the big white girl from Canada Chillin' with Tinchy Yeah, that's the start of the hood Maybe this is where our love begins After the show, you take me back round the bins, yeah I'm gonna be a rapper Be a star, Ma Just say the word, I'll be your baby mama.
Oh, wow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Easy.
- Jon, can you sing? I've never heard you sing.
- No.
But you've never seen me do a lot of things I do.
- Erm, I sing, yeah, I sing.
Mostly musicals.
- Oh, I like musicals.
- Which one? - Er, Phantom.
- Lovely.
- Love a bit of Phantom.
Cats, obviously.
- Ironically, I don't like cats! - David, you do a fair bit of singing.
Yeah, I do.
I think when I try to sing it's so bad, it comes across as just talking, really.
And talking with a beat is pretty much my rap.
So I'm trying to think of They call me David Docherty because it's on my birth certificate.
18/12/75 at 8:15, youngest of three, seven years to the last.
Was I planned? I don't know.
I've never asked.
"Was I planned? I never asked," is the end of that? The tragedy of that is that I was born on the 18th of the 12th so therefore I was conceived on the 17th or the 18th of the third.
The 17th of the third being Patrick's Night so that would answer that question, pretty much.
And raises the horrific image of my mother in a green afro wig going, "Go on, it'll be fine.
" So what do you think's harder, rapping or singing? I think rapping because you've got to write it and do it.
- Whereas singers, they just sing other people's songs.
- Some singers.
- Some people write their own songs.
- Yeah.
What's your favourite song? Can you sing as well? (STRAINED) # Summer breeze Damn good song.
Make me feel fine.
Voice of an angel! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's a wonderful - Yeah.
So you're going - You know what? I'm just saying singing cos I rap and I find it easier.
- You're being humble.
- Iam.
- Really, rapping's harder.
- We'll say no, rapping's harder.
You say rapping, Jon, what are you going for? What have you done? Something just flew in my fucking ear, Jimmy.
- Ghost! - It's a ghost! Ghost spider! May be the ghost fly was escaping ghost spider.
OK, what are you going to say, rapping or singing? - Singing is harder.
- Yeah.
- OK, you're saying singing, you're saying rapping.
I can tell you it was close but the answer is false, only 47% of people think rapping is harder than singing.
You get a point.
My problem with rap music is it tends to disrespect bitches and hoes.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
Top thing that makes British people angry.
- BUZZER - What do you think? It strikes me, as a visitor to this country, that the things that annoy people are very often not the big things like the break-up of the NHS or bankers' bonuses, but apostrophes in the wrong place! So it's probably That was the final straw in 1939, it wasn't the takeover of Poland by Hitler, it was, "He spelled 'Nazi's' with an apostrophe, grrrr! Let's get him!" - What makes you angry, Tinchy? - What makes me angry? When I'm driving and I come to a zebra crossing and someone feels like, because it's a zebra crossing Although I'll stop you, say thanks because I don't have to stop.
- Yes, you do! - I don't.
- You do, yeah! - I don't.
- Legally, you do.
Legally, you do but I really don't.
I'm in a car, you're on your feet.
If I didn't stop, what are you going to do? I absolutely get that because when you're driving, - all it requires is just the eyebrow raise.
- Say thanks.
That's it.
- That's it, that's all you want.
- No! - They look at me - You don't do the eyebrow raise on a zebra crossing? - No.
No, you're meant to stop, you're meant to be considerate of pedestrians, people who are softer than you.
You're in a big metal box, and I'm meant to say thank you for not killing me? - No, but - That's basic standards.
That's like saying thank you to someone for not stabbing you in the head while you're walking down the street.
"Thanks for not punching me in the face, "for not pushing me in front of that train.
" You'll spend your whole life thanking people for not doing something insane, which would be running you over.
In fact, I'd be more likely to just go, "Grrr!" I don't do that because there's a lot of hard people driving who get out their cars and beat the crap out of you - but really - You've had a bit of luck if it's Tinchy, really.
- Well, you don't know.
- You never know.
- Yeah.
Don't underestimate anybody.
Especially me! Yargh! RAAAAARGH! Yeah! HE SIGHS You came so close, Jimmy.
What makes you angry? Jon, you seem like a pretty easy-going guy, I can't imagine you'd get upset by much.
Getting run over by rappers It's not having anything to get angry about, isn't it? It's nice to get angry.
That's why we read papers in the morning so before we've even finished our toast, we go, "Look at the state of that!" - What were you looking at? - Stacey from Warwick.
Ill-thought-out views on Britain's membership of the EU.
Fair enough, have an opinion, but put your clothes on and then - we can talk about it.
- OK, Alex.
Have any guests on The One Show annoyed you? Erthere's been about four.
Let's name them.
Come on, let's gun 'em down! How about No?! - One Direction? - No, they were all right.
- They're lovely.
- They've got about literally 115 people with them choosing which ripped vest they're going to put on, but they're all right.
And they always make the right choice.
LAUGHTER SEAN LAUGHS I'll tell you something that really does annoy me, when you go into a jewellers and they're selling loads of clocks - and they're all different times.
- Yeah.
You're thinking, you are trying to sell me these clocks and you can't even be bothered to get them on the right time.
Why would I buy a clock from you that isn't showing me the right time? That's all I want from a clock, is that it tells me the frigging time and you want to sell it to me, charge me money and you can't be bothered to go like that? You've got a bloody nerve trying to sell me clocks and you can't even prove It's not a clock! If it's not the right time, it's not a clock.
It's just asome numbers! It's some numbers and some sticks moving different ways.
It's not a clock.
So don't Next time I come in there, mate I'm annoyed about that, now.
You don't see that in CCTV footage of some armed robbers.
I'd love to go into a clock shop with a balaclava, and go, "Grrr! Put all those clocks right!" Hold it to his head, and go, "Now the next one! Now the next one! "Right, I'm out of here.
" OK, what's the top thing that makes British people angry? Is it football? Because I know you have a very delicate relationship with football.
You love it but it makes you so angry.
What pisses me off at the football, there's always a clock that tells you it's 3:15 but the clock on the match says, like, 17:23 cos there's 17 minutes gone, but the actual time is Two clocks in the same room - Justkill thousands of people.
- It's like a bloody jewellers! - Yes.
HE SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY How have we waited until Series 16 to break out that face? OK, top thing that makes British people angry.
It's people being unhelpful.
- TINCHY: Bad service.
- Yes, that's the right answer.
APPLAUSE END OF ROUND BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Jon, Alex and David have two points, Sean, Katherine and Tinchy have three points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
If you want more, tune in to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Uncut on Tuesday.
That's it from us, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE