8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s16e09 Episode Script
Series 16, Episode 9
1 This programme contains strong language.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Clean up the dance floor, it's Claudia Winkleman.
Return of the Jack, it's Jack Dee.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, curls allowed, it is Josh Widdicombe.
He's a stand-up guy, it's Trevor Noah.
Their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 20% of Brits always reread an e-mail before sending it.
It's a good idea.
Last week I nearly sent an e-mail saying, "I is very interested "in your penis enlargement system.
" "I is!" Cringe! 10% of Brits ignore medical symptoms, which is fine.
Don't worry about the shooting pains in your chest, that's just your body's way of telling you, you need another steak-bake.
And 48% of women believe stress makes them unattractive.
What you've done there, ladies, is confuse the word "stress" with "jeggings.
" Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About - that's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Alex Salmond has launched his manifesto for how Scotland will cope after independence.
I can speak with some authority on this because I own a Proclaimers album and have seen Trainspotting.
If you need any facts on Scotland - Have you been to Scotland? Did you like it? - I've been to Edinburgh.
It was fun.
I didn't understand anything, but it was nice.
They were like, "Oh, you must have haggis.
It's crazy.
" It's not crazy, it's just unnecessary.
I'm confused about the whole Scottish thing, though.
Like, well, the world is, we don't understand.
So Britain is not a country, but then you guys have a National Anthem that you sing as Britain and then you get medals as Britain in the Olympics, but then you're not a country, which is cheating, technically.
This is just me asking on behalf of the world.
We want to know how it works.
Cos we didn't know that Scotland wasn't a part of - They are, but they're going to leave.
- To go where? They can't go anywhere! Where they gonna go? I don't understand this.
This is confusing.
I'll tell you what's happened.
Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotland has outlined the SNP's blueprint for Scottish independence, ahead of next September's referendum.
Some of the White Paper key pledges, I'll just give you the key things.
It said the Queen will remain head of state.
Trident nuclear weapons will have to go.
Popular BBC programmes will stay, but they'll only air on the newly-formed Scottish Broadcasting Service.
No-one's has asked if the Queen wants to be head of state.
They've said, "When we go, the queen will be head of state.
" She might say, no, bollocks! I think the new Scotland sounds brilliant.
I read this White Paper.
They keep CBeebies, they get the queen, they chuck off all the Trident.
We should all go there.
We should all go, "Yeah, you do whatever "you want, you vote," and just then move in.
Sean, do you think we'd be better off without Scotland? If I was Scottish I would vote for independence.
I would, immediately.
Because if you think what You can't vote immediately, it's not for another ten months.
- That would be a wasted vote.
- Yeah, sorry! What I'd do if I was Scottish, I'd turn it into a tax haven.
- Oh, now you're talking! - Yeah.
APPLAUSE Not everyone in Scotland is for independence.
Take a look at some Glasgow Rangers fans and what they think about it.
Alex Salmond is a twat, is a twat Alex Salmond is a twat is a twat.
REPORTER: Why's he a twat? Cos he wants to break up the union.
And he shags grannies.
He's a granny-shagger.
APPLAUSE That's from the Scottish Newsnight, I believe.
I was in favour, now I know he shags grannies I'm changing my mind.
I don't have any time for independence.
I grew up in the West Country and there was the talk of Cornish independence.
Only among you and your friends.
No, I was from Devon, so I, you know, I don't think It's the same.
That's is the most offensive thing you've ever said.
Not even close! Don't Devon want to be independent as well? - No, we can't.
- What do you mean, you can't? - We're between Cornwall and Britain.
- That doesn't stop you.
Look where France is - between Spain and Germany.
You struggled with that one there, didn't you? Really, the analogy I use is it's a bit like a relationship, and I'm beginning to feel like bit of a spurned lover in this thing.
You know when you're in a relationship and the other party says, "Oh, I don't know if it is right any more.
" I feel like saying, "Well, if you don't want it, go.
" You know what? We should do it not on whether you keep the pound or nuclear weapons, do it on music, right.
We keep The Beatles and The Rolling Stones and The Who, and The Jam and The Clash, and they can take their Best of Del Amitri CD and stick it up their arse! It is like a relationship.
I think we should dump them first.
Yeah.
You know when you know you're going to be dumped and you think, "If I do it first, this is going to save a lot face.
" Cos I think otherwise it's going to be David Cameron turning up at Hadrian's Wall, drunk at 3am, going, "Fuck you! Are you shagging Denmark? Is that what you're doing?" Instead of independence, they should have a trial separation period.
- See how it goes? - See how it goes.
For a year we don't go up there .
.
and they don't come down here! And do we view the Welsh as like our kids? We've both got equal rights? JACK: We get the Welsh every other weekend! Strictly, I would be for the union, but if it means we don't have the guy on the Co-op adverts who says, "Good with food," then I am willing to change my vote, because there are four O's in that sentence and he just wilfully ignores every one of them.
And then has the cheek to say he works for the Co-op.
Well, by your rules, mate, you work for the "Cp.
" You can't pick and choose.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes.
Alex Salmond has unveiled the SNP's finance for Scottish independence.
Following independence, the BBC would be replaced by the Scottish Broadcasting Service, leading to new Scottish programmes such as No Cash in the Attic, Doctor Who Are You Looking At? Dragon's Crackden.
Q-och Aye, and Scagpuss! Sean, Claudia, Jack, what have the nation been talking about this week? They've been talking about Doctor Who because it was the anniversary, 50 years.
An enormous who-ha.
I guess so.
I don't watch it, but erm - You don't watch it? - No.
Is that because you're crouched behind the settee in your house, scared? No, I just I just know it's not for me.
Everyone said everyone loves Doctor Who.
- It got, was it nine million viewers? - I think 10.
2 million viewers.
Well, there's 50 million people who didn't watch it.
I'm more normal than the people who watched it.
I watched a bit of it once and I thought, "This is stupid, this show.
" There's no rules.
Anything can happen.
The writers must sit down and go, "We can do whatever we want!" They could cut and paste a couple of pages of Teletubbies script in the middle of the show and nobody would notice.
Nobody would go, "That's a bit odd, some Teletubbies have wandered on, "and made some toast and custard.
" And then just carries on.
It's a load of bollocks.
And there's 55 million of us can't be wrong! ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS None of them are in.
None of them are in, obviously.
You haven't seen it.
For those you that missed, along with Sean, let's have a look at the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who.
OK.
You used to be me.
You've done all this before.
What happens next? I don't remember.
How can you forget this? Hey! Hang on, it's not my fault.
You were obviously not paying enough attention.
Reverse the polarity! It's not working! - We're both reversing the polarity.
- Yes, I know that.
There's two of us.
I'm reversing it, you're reversing it back again.
We're confusing the polarity! CRASH Anyone lose a fez? I am looking for the Doctor.
Well, you've certainly come to the right place.
Yeah! - No, sorry they missed it, Sean.
- What was good about that? The only good thing about that was the bird song in the background.
That was John Hurt.
He got the role of Doctor Who between when it was on TV originally and then when it was brought back.
Which isn't a job, is it? - No.
- That's like going, "Oh, I'm an actor, I played Bilbo Baggins "between the first Hobbit movie and the second Hobbit movie.
" I sort of believe you with the Hobbit between films.
I'd buy that.
My favourite quote about John Hurt was Ian McShane, apparently they're mates, he said, "I'm surprised he got Doctor Who, "cos he can't even use a mobile phone," thus completely disregarding the whole concept of acting.
"I'm surprised to see Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park," cos to my knowledge he's ever seen a dinosaur.
" I don't like I don't get the new actors and stuff.
They said it was good for children because it teaches them about death.
It doesn't, does it? Basically there are children now going around, "At least "when my gran dies she'll turn into Peter Capaldi.
" In fairness, when your gran dies, that really does teach you about death, doesn't it? LAUGHTER Especially if you pushed her! Trevor, have never seen Doctor Who? I'm enjoying this.
I've never seen any of You've never seen Doctor Who? I know Doctor Who's big.
In South Africa, there's a lot of white people that enjoy it, and Do you want to see some action from Doctor Who? This is action.
- Oh, I thought that was the action.
- That was just the set-up.
Check this out.
We have the Doctor! Seek, locate! Destroy the Doctor! Seek, locate! Destroy! Seek! The Doctor is escaping - I've never seen anything like it, that was funny! - Yeah.
Trevor, I would thank you not to laugh at our culture like that.
I'm sorry.
Wait till see you Morris Dancing! The one thing I know about Doctor Who is recently they had the whole black Doctor Who discussion.
They always have that.
They had it with James Bond and now they had it with Doctor Who.
They said, "Oh, when are we going to have a black Doctor Who?" "Never.
" I don't think it makes sense.
Why would you, if you were an alien, why would you choose to be black? If you're trying to be in disguise and going to places, it's just It is like James Bond, he can't be black, cos you can't blend in in Moscow when you're black.
Like, you can't He has to introduce himself, "My name's Bond, James Bond.
" If you're black, then you walk in and it's like, "Ah, it's Mr Bond, "Mr Bond.
Everybody knows you.
" Don't force it.
Just make another Doctor, or something.
Let's have a look and see if Doctor Who is up there.
It's the most talked about thing.
Yes, the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who was watched by 10 million people.
True Doctor who fans are called Whovians, and once they've left the room, dweebs, nerds and virgins.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? Is it the football-fixing scandal? - Ooh.
- Apparently there's been all kinds of fixing in lower league games.
I don't think it's an issue.
These people are not turning that much money in the lower leagues.
When I used to work at Waterstone's, if someone offered me 50 grand to put a book under the wrong letter .
.
I'd have done it.
These people need the money.
Yeah, but the difference is, no-one was cheering for you to put the book under the right letter.
- No - If I was your fan, if I was there watching, going, "Come on, Josh, you can do it.
W! W!" And then you going, "OhhC," and then, "Aaaah!" What I don't understand is how it took them so long to work it out.
My first question would have been, "Why are Asian people betting "millions of pounds on the Northern Conference East?" If I've a mate and go, "I'm just going to nip into the bookies.
" "Oh, what are you betting on?" "Oh, Shanghai Tigers are playing this weekend.
"You don't know anything about the Chinese football league.
" As a Plymouth fan, I hope we have been fixing matches, cos the other explanation is that we're shit! The best chant I ever heard at a football ground was from Plymouth fans.
I went to see Leyton Orient and Plymouth.
At one point they went, "Are you watching Exeter?" And it was 0-0.
Our rivalry with Exeter is very vicious.
I remember when we played Exeter one of the players got sent off, and Plymouth fans shouted, "You dirty northern bastards.
" It's about 20 miles up the A38! Claudia, what do you think of this match-fixing? Well, good.
I think everything should be fixed, so then we don't have to watch it.
We don't even have to do it.
- We don't even have to do it.
- If we all agree that - Plymouth beat Exeter 3-0.
- Who cares?! Let's all have a nap.
A, it's way too long, the football.
Two, there aren't enough goals.
Put goals all the way Make it inside.
- Put goals all the way round? - All the way around.
I was with you for a bit, and then when you said that I think you should be removed from the committee for football improvements.
If I was a gambling man, I'm not really, but I can understand why you would want to fix the match, cos obviously it reduces the odds, doesn't it? You're more likely to win if you can get an organised crime gang behind you to make the result what you bet on.
Would you like to win this evening, Jack? Win what? We're playing a game.
- Oh! - Are there scores on this game? - Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack, come on.
- What are the rules? I'm going to throw it.
I'm going to throw this.
Doing quite a good job already, but - Ask me a question.
- What else have the nation been talking about? Daa-daa-daaaa-daa-daaa! What happens if we both try and fix it? This will go on forever.
It would be like reversing the polarity in Doctor Who.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Right, let's see if it is up there.
Yes, indeed! Yeah, six people have been arrested for match-fixing in English football.
It's the worst ever Fix-it scandal.
Well, second worst.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the most talked about things this week.
Sean's team.
Is it the fantastic news - I mean, there's good news and there's really good news - Yup.
- .
.
that Iran have agreed to stop enriching uranium beyond 5% and neutralise their stockpile of already enriched uranium? And if you'd told me that at the beginning of the year, I'd have said, "You're dreaming, mate.
" And they've pulled it off just before Christmas, as well.
And that's just You know, I don't need any presents now.
It all sounds very Back To The Future to me.
5% of uranium.
What will that power? Like, a Breville? How much? - It's basically, you get really strong fireworks.
- Is that what it is? Amazing fireworks.
You go, "Jesus Christ!" But you can't make bombs.
Yeah, basically they've agreed to not have uranium that they can use to make weapons.
I don't know why it's such a big thing, though.
America runs all of it, and they are the only people that have used nukes.
Which is like the only person with a criminal record is going, "Whoa! Whoa! "I know what you guys will do.
" "What?" "What WE did.
" Everyone has got the nukes and they are telling them not to have them.
Except Germany.
Germany doesn't have nukes cos they're very sorry for what happened before.
But everyone The Germans can't cos they'll do it again.
We all know that.
Sure as eggs is eggs, the Germans would do it again.
They made some mistakes, obviously, last time.
They'll do it, better PR, etc.
They can't have them in the house, basically.
It is like me and Wotsits - I can't have them in the house.
I know what I'm like, I know what I'm like - I'll eat them.
They do have questionable human rights.
Everyone is getting excited at the moment because the President is on Facebook and Twitter.
But in Iran it's called Covered-up Facebook and If Your Wife Misbehaves It's Perfectly Acceptable Tw-itt-er.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's not one of the most talked about things this week, but Iran has signed a historic nuclear deal.
Some have long suspected that Iran is secretly developing a nuclear bomb, a charge strenuously denied by Iran's head of secret nuclear bomb development.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
BUZZER Is it bras? Not, bras, that's rubbish.
Erm Queen's bra maker.
- What happened? - Yeah! They wouldn't let me in! I said, "Let me in.
" I just want to be in the changing room, that's all I wanted.
- What's the big deal? - I just want to be in the room where the Queen's had her tits out.
That's all.
- "Let me in!" - Sean, are you trying to throw this? Yeah.
No.
Is it the Bulgarians and the Romanians are gathering like a storm cloud of evil on the shores of Calais about to invade our country? And similar to the Vikings, very similar to the Vikings, the Vikings came to burn our houses down, they are coming to do them up.
It's the scaremongering of scurrilous papers like the Mail and the Express and Nigel Farage about Bulgarians and Romanians.
We don't even know what they're good at yet.
The Irish are good at roads, the Polish good at plumbing.
The Bulgarians, fingers crossed it's Knickerbocker Glories.
I think It would be very nice if a Romanian came over and actually got the job of running UKIP.
And actually turfed Farage out.
Someone called Nigel Faratski or something.
- Come in and undercut him? - Came in and undercut him - said, "I can do this for less.
" David Cameron has announced benefit restrictions to migrants in a bid to curb the number of people coming to the UK.
What would you do, Claudia, if you wanted to discourage people from coming to the UK? Well, just show them a picture! Show them a picture of the orange people that you guys have.
Those people are weird.
- Orange people? - That's me! You're judging people by the colour of their skin! How dare you! That's not skin, my friend! That's not skin! - How dare you? - That is not skin.
Not the kind of thing we do here! Can we not just have a slogan like, "Britain - so shit even the Scottish want to leave.
" But didn't they try and put people off by saying it's cold here? Yeah, they did.
They were also saying that the streets were not paved with gold.
No shit! No, they are paved with shit.
They've got to come.
Who's going to breast-feed my kids? What was that again? - Will you do it for me? - It's a little bit sour.
You get used to it.
I always put a bit of icing sugar around the nipple.
Trevor, you've recently come here, you've worked here.
What do you think? - You guys aren't very friendly.
Like, I mean - What, now? Look, it's partly because of your weather and just your lives and stuff, but you guys aren't Weather first, and then just our lives.
Like, you guys are very, like, you're not very friendly.
I don't know why you're stressed about immigrants.
When it's sportsmen, you guys love them.
You don't want workers, you want sportsmen.
We should have a border control that's basically a sports day.
Just have goal posts and then like a cricket field.
"Hey, Stotski, how did you get in?" "I hit the six!" I don't know.
I don't know.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes! David Cameron has announced a series of measures to limit benefits for immigrants.
I don't know - these Bulgarians and Romanians, they come over here, taking our Polish people's jobs.
Cheeky Girls, they were Romanian, weren't they? And look what they brought.
They're lovely.
Didn't they both go out with Lembit, together? - They did.
- No, they didn't.
- Yeah, two for the price - That is how history is written, with mistakes like that.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Originally, one of them went out with him.
But in time, cos they're twins, everyone goes, "Yeah, they both "He just had a sandwich nonstop going on all the time.
" I watched him interviewed once, Lembit Opik, Someone, to get a laugh, said, "What happened with you and the Cheeky Girl?" And he went, "I was just really in love with her and we split up.
" AUDIENCE: Aww! Fucking hell, it was tragic! I did a gig with Lembit Opik.
Do you remember when he did stand-up? - I remember that, yeah.
- After Josh, I've got a Lembit Opik anecdote.
You go first.
- Let's move on, OK? Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get - BUZZER Lembit Opik, right He's trying to throw this, don't let him.
They buzzed in.
You buzzed in, Jon.
It is I'm A Celebrity, isn't it? Which is back on telly.
It's like driving past a car accident.
You don't want to look, but you see a bit of it and you can't There was an incredible bit this week where Matthew Wright was sick into his own hand, choking on a testicle or something.
Ant and Dec are just watching him, going, "Don't forget you've got to eat all that or you don't get your little" Like a dog, he was sick in his hand, and they were going, "If you want your little gold star, you'll have to eat up all your sick.
" How can you not watch that? I mean - Where was the testicle from? - It was his own testicle.
Jack, would you consider it? You went on Big Brother.
That was good.
You won that.
Yeah, I did that for Comic Relief, though.
I wouldn't do anything else like that.
They put you with all sorts of people.
I don't know if you've watched the programme carefully, but there are other people on the show with you.
I'd punch Ant and Dec.
I hate those two.
- What are you talking about? I love them.
- They're a pair of dickheads.
They are not! No! APPLAUSE Don't clap him! - They're not funny - You don't mean that.
You're just saying that.
I mean it, I mean it.
To me, they're like one man with two foreheads.
- You don't even mean this.
- I do mean it.
This is a row I'm very happy to have.
- Go on, let's go.
- Do you not think Ant and Dec, when they look at their career, the proudest moments are when they checked some Coronation Street actress's mouth to make sure she'd finished a bollock? I only watch them! I can't watch what they're doing because it's too awful.
And I don't want to watch them eat stuff and go on this and they're scared of heights.
SHE SHRIEKS But I watch it for Ant and Dec, who I am in love with.
I want to do the Cheeky Girl, Lembit Opik sandwich with them.
I've eaten a sheep's testicle.
- You did what, sorry? - I've eaten a sheep's testicle.
What did it do to upset you? The farmer was livid, it has to be said.
I have honestly eaten one.
It was cooked and everything.
In Saudi Arabia.
It was revolting! You know what I'd like to see happen on that show? I'd love suddenly for one of those lost Japanese soldiers who doesn't know that World War II is over just to come out and start shooting them all! IMITATES MACHINE GUN Right, let's have a look and see if it's up there! APPLAUSE So, those were the most talked about things this week.
But in other news, Prince William sang Living On A Prayer, - with Jon Bon Jovi and Taylor Swift at a charity event.
Shall we have a look? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! Says we got to hold on To what we've got It doesn't make a difference If we make it or not We've got each other And that's a lot For love We'll give it a shot Oh, oh We're halfway there Oh, oh Living on a prayer Take my hand We'll make it, I swear Oh, living on a prayer.
APPLAUSE CLAUDIA: Speechless! It's amazing how quickly you can become an embarrassing dad, isn't it? Nothing says self-awareness like a man who was born a Prince singing a song about two people who are so poor that all they all they've got is their love for each other.
He is a clueless bell end, that man.
Kate must have been livid.
Cos she's bringing up a baby and he's gone out and got pissed and done karaoke.
I think she's all right.
I don't think she's at home making instant milk.
The baby has a team of people and she's on a beach somewhere.
She's got Bulgarian immigrants breast-feeding.
Also in the news this week, a poll has revealed that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago.
The survey also revealed that people are having more adventurous sex.
I know I am.
The other week me and my girlfriend tried something we'd never done before - lights on, socks off.
Nigella Lawson has been involved in another public spat with her ex-husband, Charles Saatchi.
To be fair to Nigella, I'd take drugs if I was married to a 70-year-old man with a face like a scrotum.
And Kanye West has compared himself to Willy Wonka.
Not surprising, he's going out with Kim Kardashian.
Have you seen the size of her chocolate factory.
At the end of that round, Sean, Jack and Claudia have two points.
Jon, Trevor and Josh have three points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Jon, Trevor, Josh, pick a question.
Er, let's have the lady texting.
OK.
Most people think the smartphone is the best ever invention - true or false? False.
It's not, is it? It's not, Jimmy, we're done there.
I don't think it's the smartphone.
It's the things the smartphone has.
I think Google is the best invention, to be honest.
Google is the best invention? Yes.
Google has made us smarter as people.
We now know the answers to things.
Because of Google, there won't be another world war.
- There won't be another world war? - There won't.
Now you go, "What happens when world wars happen?" and Google shows you and you're like, "I don't want to do that.
" I don't think Hitler was thinking, "I've got no idea what a war is like.
" Hitler's not the Googling type.
There's Googlers and there's non-Googlers.
Hitler's not a Googler, he's not a Googler.
Claudia, what you do think, best invention? We all know that.
Fake tan.
Hands down! Full stop.
Come on.
- Do you use fake tan? - All the time.
Look at me! I'm bright orange.
I hope.
That's not I have seen orange orange.
There you are again, judging people on their skin.
I am not judging, I'm commenting.
Jokes aside, I'd never seen these people before Where were these people? In a limousine, driving around in London somewhere.
One of them was out of the roof, screaming Was it an ambassador! Of somewhere Orange.
Maybe the Netherlands! I don't know.
Could be the Oompa-Loompas' ambassador? That's judging and that's not cool, Jimmy.
I want to look like I have soiled myself.
Like I've had a terriblerurgh! Like that.
Then I've gone like that! That's, boom! You want to look like you've smothered your face in excrement? I want to look like "Oh, I can hold the baby.
"Oh! Oh! It's everywhere.
It's everywhere! "I'll just put it on my face and my neckready!" So you think fake tan.
Sean, what do you think is the best invention of all time? It's got to be the hat, hasn't it? I mean, before the hat, what people had to endure! CLAUDIA SNORTS That's very lady-like, Claudia.
I enjoyed that noise! She's just about to tan herself.
Anything that comes from the sky, generally, if you live on this planet for a while, anything that comes from the sky is bad.
It's rain, it's sun, it's wind.
Sometimes, it's, like, anvils if you are in a cartoon.
You need a special hat for that one.
It's got to be the hat.
- What about cheese strings? - Don't be so bloody childish.
Not cheese strings.
We are talking sensible inventions! String and cheese.
It's two things that we needed, but now we only It doesn't work as string, I can tell you that.
If you try and wrap a parcel in that stuff And it doesn't work as cheese cos it tastes like the rim of a car door.
You know, that sort of rubber stuff? - He's right! - It fails on both.
What it has got is shiny packaging to attract children, who, as we know, are idiots.
Could the best invention, Jimmy, perhaps be God? Or the potato ricer? - What is a potato ricer? - CLAUDIA: Oh, it's amazing! I have recently invested in a potato ricer.
Incredible.
It is the best mash you'll ever have in your entire life.
- And minimal effort.
- CLAUDIA: It really is.
Just, bang.
Sometimes I've got mash and I don't want it.
I wake up and I've accidentally made mash, it is so easy! OK, I've got other contenders for brilliant inventions.
I've got a 3-D printer.
This is the new thing this year.
Let me show you what we've made.
This is a genuine 3-D print of Jon Richardson! Have a look at it.
It's really good, look at that.
I'm not happy with it pointing at me like that! I am starting to realise what it is like to be sat next to me.
- Can we get him next to Jon? - Yeah, we can get him next to Jon.
Sure.
Careful with me.
What a little wanker.
Unbelievable.
Why would anyone want that? The 3-D printer, what's the purpose of it? You can print anything.
In America, they're printing guns.
APPLAUSE It's like a really shit wedding cake! The sad thing about that wedding cake is it is just Jon on his own.
- OK, are you aware of a onesie? - Yeah.
OK, there is now a twinsie, which is a onesie for two people.
That's disgusting! Jon, pop that on.
It's a twinsie.
That's a onesie for people with personal space issues.
While you put that on, Trevor, you don't like the weather here? You say it like I don't like the weather, like you like the weather - like everybody likes the weather.
I've got something for you.
I've got you a full-body umbrella.
Try that out for size! You can pull it out, don't panic.
JACK: It looks like a see-through Ku Klux Klan outfit.
This is fantastic.
CLAUDIA: Nobody is going to buy this.
That's like a three-legged race What is that? You can't even have sex in it! This is the most intense experience I've ever had.
Is this sex? Hood up.
Hood up.
Hood up.
Hood up.
All right.
I don't know if it is sex, but I am going to count it to my tally if it is! I don't even have to walk like this.
I can walk normally.
- Pop down the - Agh! I just broke my foot! I got you this.
It's a new invention.
It's a tie and it's got booze in it.
- Aw - It is a flask tie.
If you are going to events, you can drink booze out of it.
I bet they haven't put it in.
Yeah, we've put booze in, don't panic.
- I insisted there was booze for you.
- Thank you.
For the businessman with problems.
- Where's the booze? - You bite it a bit and squeeze it.
You squeeze it, give it a suck.
- It's not booze.
- Is it not booze? - Nah, fuckers.
Did they not give you booze? I did insist.
It's cider, apparently.
It's like Kryptonite! It wouldn't work, would it? If you're sitting at a meeting, chatting "Why's your tie moving like that?" Do you think anyone would be suspicious if you started sucking? Jack, I've got this for you.
This is apparently to help you to learn how to smile better! What it is, it's a gym for the mouth.
So what you do is you just pop that in your mouth and you can exercise your mouth, so you are better able to smile! It also works as a diaphragm as well for women.
So you put the whole thing in and you can exercise - That is not what this is for! - It is what this is for.
Are you sure the fur hasn't fallen off? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I feel like a blow-up doll! That is what I feel like.
Thanks, anyway! OK, we'll get some answers.
- What do you think? - We're going to say false.
You think people will think no.
What do you think, Sean? We'll say yes, just to make it interesting.
OK.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
APPLAUSE That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Sean, Jack, Claudia - pick a question.
- Well, thebillboard.
- All right.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
True or false? Eh? LAUGHTER Well, I just asked.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
True or false? What do you think? I haven't had cider for a while.
The reason I don't drink it SLURRING: it affects me! See what you've done to him? Look, he's crashed now.
- It affects - It's OK, Sean.
- .
.
me! T-t-tiniest amount affects Gemma! Erm, advertising How would you know? Because you are naturally drawn to things.
If you keep saying something over and over again You definitely are, but I think people would like to think they're stronger than that, which we're not.
Have you bought anything recently on the basis of an advert? I only buy stuff because of adverts.
Where were you when you saw the advert for "Introducing new Shit-Face"? OK.
Take a look at this ad.
This stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, it got a lot of attention recently.
- I'm in! - See what you think.
- I'm in.
'I've had my ups and downs.
'My fair share of bumpy roads and heavy winds.
'That's what made me what I am today.
' 'Now, I stand here before you.
' 'What you see is a body crafted to perfection.
'A pair of legs engineered to defy the laws of physics 'and a mindset to master the most epic of splits.
' MUSIC: "Only Time" by Enya Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time And who can say if your love grows? As your heart chose Only time.
APPLAUSE - Is that an ad for fake tan? - What's that for? - That is What's that an ad for? Was that an ad for fake tan? Cos you see my point.
I'm in.
That was an ad for lorries because lorry drivers naturally like a man that can do the splits.
It's also educational.
Sometimes, you're driving on the motorway and Jean-Claude Van Damme jumps on your roof.
You think, "How will I get rid of him? "I'll just drift away from the car next to me.
" Not going to work, not going to work.
Do you think you're influenced, Jon? Do you buy stuff based on ads? TO THE TUNE OF DANONE ADVERT: Mm, I'm not.
LAUGHTER, THEN APPLAUSE That was great! I've had enough of advertisers using, like Sell your thing with the thing it's good at.
Like the Jean-Claude Van Damme thing, saying it drives straight.
When advertisers advertise something by just things that are nice? That bloody car advert with the rap on it and the guy's going, "Sometimes it rains and then you have chips," and then they go, "Do you want a fucking car? "Cos chips are nice, aren't they, on the beach?" McDonald's do it as well.
If you're a new family, McDonald's will keep you together, won't it(?) McDonald's is weird, though.
I did a casting for them.
They had a description for their ad.
They said we're looking for people to come and do this ad and they described, "we're looking for funky, young mixed people - "groups of people that look like they're cool.
" Then they literally wrote at the bottom, "People who are generally in shape.
"Please, not people that look like they eat McDonald's.
" OK, making adverts isn't easy.
Look at this.
DIRECTOR: The line is, "Baked in a buttery, flaky crust.
" - Baked in a buttery, flacrust.
- Close.
- Baked on a buttery - Flaky.
- .
.
crispy crust.
Flaky! I left "flaky" out again.
Baked on a butteryer, crispy crust.
- Zack! Flaky! - I thought I said "flaky.
" OK.
- Baked in a buttery, f - Flaky.
- .
.
flakycrust.
- Did I screw up again? - Yes, you did.
- I did? Bah! - Baked in a bake Opps! - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes, point! Baked in a buttery, crispy flake HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY APPLAUSE That's a perfect marriage.
That was a great ad.
What was it, ad for marriage? What was that? That was an ad for euthanasia.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising - true or false? What do you think? - True.
- You're going to go true.
What do you think? False.
People like to think they aren't, but they are.
I can tell you the answer is false.
Only 19% of people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
APPLAUSE Personally, I'd only agree to do subtle ads for products I really believe in.
Why? Because I'm worth it.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question.
Biggest turn-off on a date? - Oh - BUZZER - Go on, Claudia? - A fancy car.
There's something wrong with a man who has to drive a nice car.
I won't get in it.
I won't sleep with him, I won't talk to them, I will just immediately close the door and say byesy-bye.
What would your ideal vehicle of choice be? Would it be like a minicab? No, I'd like a very old, dilapidated car, perhaps that you would have to get into from the back.
Nothing would work.
Man - he's wearing a fisherman's sweater.
Maybe he has some paint on his hands because actually, he's an artist as well as a fisherman.
His hair's like that, he's singing to Duran Duran.
- SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS - He'd get it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'd fuck him as well.
This is your fantasy.
What does your husband drive? I don't know, I don't let him out the house.
Biggest turn-off on a date.
What do you think, Sean? I made a big mistake once when I was at a bar with this woman.
I said - I thought it was cool - I said, "Two glasses of champagne," and then I remembered, I said, "Ooh, and a saucer of milk for my rat.
" And that put her right off.
Jack, what do you think? One of the worst things, and I've done this, I met a girl for a - this is many, many years ago - for a drink in a bar on a first date andwhat you mustn't do ever is start a small fire, erm in-in their hair.
LAUGHTER I was lighting a cigarette and you know how a little, tiny bit of the match can came off sometimes? It flicked up and landed in her hair as she was looking that way and it went, "Tssss!" like that and there was some smoke coming from the back of her head and she said, "Can you smell burning?" And I had to say, "No, I can't, no.
" Biggest turn-off I've been on on a date is M4, junction 15.
Sort of sweeps down and back up.
Cos if you don't read it It just looks that big, but because you're going uphill, you get to the lights and you get a lovely view of Swindon there.
As there's a drive-through Costa on the left.
Lucky girl! What do you think, Josh? You strike me as quite a ladies' man.
No, I'm not good.
I went on a date so bad at one pointwe were struggling for conversation so much, she got out her phone and started choosing a new ringtone.
How old was she? About 11? What did she choose? "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me", or something? It was The Funeral March that she chose! She just choose the traditional ring-ring.
She wasn't right for you, Josh.
I can smell a bitch like that a mile off.
I bet she was having a little bit of cider on the old lip.
I had another bad incident when I was meeting a girl outside the pub and I thought I was quite tired.
When I'm quite tired, I think if I do a few stretches SEAN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING - .
.
it'll wake me up.
- Right.
- I didn't see her coming.
So as she was walking down the street, it looked like I was limbering up.
As if What were you doing, what kind of moves? Show us.
You start with something simple.
I didn't realise it was a long street.
- I would've started like that.
- Yeah, sure.
It got quite pelvic by the end.
So, there was kind of that one and then kind of - Waiting for a girl? - And she Waiting for a girl, just working on those hamstrings.
Don't want to pull one of those in a vital moment later! Yeah, it was a disaster.
This whole thing's really brought up some bad memories for me.
I've never felt so good! Biggest turn-off on a date, what do we think? Let's get some answers.
- I don't knowbad breath.
- BO.
- BO? - BO, I'll say.
Is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the biggest turn-off on a date is smelling of BO.
If you're on a date with someone who stinks, try and ignore it and make small talk.
Ask them what part of France they're from.
END OF ROUND BUZZER That sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the show.
The final scores are Sean, Jack and Claudia have three points.
Jon, Trevor and Josh have five points, they've won.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Clean up the dance floor, it's Claudia Winkleman.
Return of the Jack, it's Jack Dee.
And their team captain, Sean Lock.
And facing them tonight, curls allowed, it is Josh Widdicombe.
He's a stand-up guy, it's Trevor Noah.
Their team captain, Jon Richardson.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 20% of Brits always reread an e-mail before sending it.
It's a good idea.
Last week I nearly sent an e-mail saying, "I is very interested "in your penis enlargement system.
" "I is!" Cringe! 10% of Brits ignore medical symptoms, which is fine.
Don't worry about the shooting pains in your chest, that's just your body's way of telling you, you need another steak-bake.
And 48% of women believe stress makes them unattractive.
What you've done there, ladies, is confuse the word "stress" with "jeggings.
" Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About - that's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Alex Salmond has launched his manifesto for how Scotland will cope after independence.
I can speak with some authority on this because I own a Proclaimers album and have seen Trainspotting.
If you need any facts on Scotland - Have you been to Scotland? Did you like it? - I've been to Edinburgh.
It was fun.
I didn't understand anything, but it was nice.
They were like, "Oh, you must have haggis.
It's crazy.
" It's not crazy, it's just unnecessary.
I'm confused about the whole Scottish thing, though.
Like, well, the world is, we don't understand.
So Britain is not a country, but then you guys have a National Anthem that you sing as Britain and then you get medals as Britain in the Olympics, but then you're not a country, which is cheating, technically.
This is just me asking on behalf of the world.
We want to know how it works.
Cos we didn't know that Scotland wasn't a part of - They are, but they're going to leave.
- To go where? They can't go anywhere! Where they gonna go? I don't understand this.
This is confusing.
I'll tell you what's happened.
Alex Salmond, the First Minister of Scotland has outlined the SNP's blueprint for Scottish independence, ahead of next September's referendum.
Some of the White Paper key pledges, I'll just give you the key things.
It said the Queen will remain head of state.
Trident nuclear weapons will have to go.
Popular BBC programmes will stay, but they'll only air on the newly-formed Scottish Broadcasting Service.
No-one's has asked if the Queen wants to be head of state.
They've said, "When we go, the queen will be head of state.
" She might say, no, bollocks! I think the new Scotland sounds brilliant.
I read this White Paper.
They keep CBeebies, they get the queen, they chuck off all the Trident.
We should all go there.
We should all go, "Yeah, you do whatever "you want, you vote," and just then move in.
Sean, do you think we'd be better off without Scotland? If I was Scottish I would vote for independence.
I would, immediately.
Because if you think what You can't vote immediately, it's not for another ten months.
- That would be a wasted vote.
- Yeah, sorry! What I'd do if I was Scottish, I'd turn it into a tax haven.
- Oh, now you're talking! - Yeah.
APPLAUSE Not everyone in Scotland is for independence.
Take a look at some Glasgow Rangers fans and what they think about it.
Alex Salmond is a twat, is a twat Alex Salmond is a twat is a twat.
REPORTER: Why's he a twat? Cos he wants to break up the union.
And he shags grannies.
He's a granny-shagger.
APPLAUSE That's from the Scottish Newsnight, I believe.
I was in favour, now I know he shags grannies I'm changing my mind.
I don't have any time for independence.
I grew up in the West Country and there was the talk of Cornish independence.
Only among you and your friends.
No, I was from Devon, so I, you know, I don't think It's the same.
That's is the most offensive thing you've ever said.
Not even close! Don't Devon want to be independent as well? - No, we can't.
- What do you mean, you can't? - We're between Cornwall and Britain.
- That doesn't stop you.
Look where France is - between Spain and Germany.
You struggled with that one there, didn't you? Really, the analogy I use is it's a bit like a relationship, and I'm beginning to feel like bit of a spurned lover in this thing.
You know when you're in a relationship and the other party says, "Oh, I don't know if it is right any more.
" I feel like saying, "Well, if you don't want it, go.
" You know what? We should do it not on whether you keep the pound or nuclear weapons, do it on music, right.
We keep The Beatles and The Rolling Stones and The Who, and The Jam and The Clash, and they can take their Best of Del Amitri CD and stick it up their arse! It is like a relationship.
I think we should dump them first.
Yeah.
You know when you know you're going to be dumped and you think, "If I do it first, this is going to save a lot face.
" Cos I think otherwise it's going to be David Cameron turning up at Hadrian's Wall, drunk at 3am, going, "Fuck you! Are you shagging Denmark? Is that what you're doing?" Instead of independence, they should have a trial separation period.
- See how it goes? - See how it goes.
For a year we don't go up there .
.
and they don't come down here! And do we view the Welsh as like our kids? We've both got equal rights? JACK: We get the Welsh every other weekend! Strictly, I would be for the union, but if it means we don't have the guy on the Co-op adverts who says, "Good with food," then I am willing to change my vote, because there are four O's in that sentence and he just wilfully ignores every one of them.
And then has the cheek to say he works for the Co-op.
Well, by your rules, mate, you work for the "Cp.
" You can't pick and choose.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes.
Alex Salmond has unveiled the SNP's finance for Scottish independence.
Following independence, the BBC would be replaced by the Scottish Broadcasting Service, leading to new Scottish programmes such as No Cash in the Attic, Doctor Who Are You Looking At? Dragon's Crackden.
Q-och Aye, and Scagpuss! Sean, Claudia, Jack, what have the nation been talking about this week? They've been talking about Doctor Who because it was the anniversary, 50 years.
An enormous who-ha.
I guess so.
I don't watch it, but erm - You don't watch it? - No.
Is that because you're crouched behind the settee in your house, scared? No, I just I just know it's not for me.
Everyone said everyone loves Doctor Who.
- It got, was it nine million viewers? - I think 10.
2 million viewers.
Well, there's 50 million people who didn't watch it.
I'm more normal than the people who watched it.
I watched a bit of it once and I thought, "This is stupid, this show.
" There's no rules.
Anything can happen.
The writers must sit down and go, "We can do whatever we want!" They could cut and paste a couple of pages of Teletubbies script in the middle of the show and nobody would notice.
Nobody would go, "That's a bit odd, some Teletubbies have wandered on, "and made some toast and custard.
" And then just carries on.
It's a load of bollocks.
And there's 55 million of us can't be wrong! ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS None of them are in.
None of them are in, obviously.
You haven't seen it.
For those you that missed, along with Sean, let's have a look at the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who.
OK.
You used to be me.
You've done all this before.
What happens next? I don't remember.
How can you forget this? Hey! Hang on, it's not my fault.
You were obviously not paying enough attention.
Reverse the polarity! It's not working! - We're both reversing the polarity.
- Yes, I know that.
There's two of us.
I'm reversing it, you're reversing it back again.
We're confusing the polarity! CRASH Anyone lose a fez? I am looking for the Doctor.
Well, you've certainly come to the right place.
Yeah! - No, sorry they missed it, Sean.
- What was good about that? The only good thing about that was the bird song in the background.
That was John Hurt.
He got the role of Doctor Who between when it was on TV originally and then when it was brought back.
Which isn't a job, is it? - No.
- That's like going, "Oh, I'm an actor, I played Bilbo Baggins "between the first Hobbit movie and the second Hobbit movie.
" I sort of believe you with the Hobbit between films.
I'd buy that.
My favourite quote about John Hurt was Ian McShane, apparently they're mates, he said, "I'm surprised he got Doctor Who, "cos he can't even use a mobile phone," thus completely disregarding the whole concept of acting.
"I'm surprised to see Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park," cos to my knowledge he's ever seen a dinosaur.
" I don't like I don't get the new actors and stuff.
They said it was good for children because it teaches them about death.
It doesn't, does it? Basically there are children now going around, "At least "when my gran dies she'll turn into Peter Capaldi.
" In fairness, when your gran dies, that really does teach you about death, doesn't it? LAUGHTER Especially if you pushed her! Trevor, have never seen Doctor Who? I'm enjoying this.
I've never seen any of You've never seen Doctor Who? I know Doctor Who's big.
In South Africa, there's a lot of white people that enjoy it, and Do you want to see some action from Doctor Who? This is action.
- Oh, I thought that was the action.
- That was just the set-up.
Check this out.
We have the Doctor! Seek, locate! Destroy the Doctor! Seek, locate! Destroy! Seek! The Doctor is escaping - I've never seen anything like it, that was funny! - Yeah.
Trevor, I would thank you not to laugh at our culture like that.
I'm sorry.
Wait till see you Morris Dancing! The one thing I know about Doctor Who is recently they had the whole black Doctor Who discussion.
They always have that.
They had it with James Bond and now they had it with Doctor Who.
They said, "Oh, when are we going to have a black Doctor Who?" "Never.
" I don't think it makes sense.
Why would you, if you were an alien, why would you choose to be black? If you're trying to be in disguise and going to places, it's just It is like James Bond, he can't be black, cos you can't blend in in Moscow when you're black.
Like, you can't He has to introduce himself, "My name's Bond, James Bond.
" If you're black, then you walk in and it's like, "Ah, it's Mr Bond, "Mr Bond.
Everybody knows you.
" Don't force it.
Just make another Doctor, or something.
Let's have a look and see if Doctor Who is up there.
It's the most talked about thing.
Yes, the 50th anniversary episode of Doctor Who was watched by 10 million people.
True Doctor who fans are called Whovians, and once they've left the room, dweebs, nerds and virgins.
Jon's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? Is it the football-fixing scandal? - Ooh.
- Apparently there's been all kinds of fixing in lower league games.
I don't think it's an issue.
These people are not turning that much money in the lower leagues.
When I used to work at Waterstone's, if someone offered me 50 grand to put a book under the wrong letter .
.
I'd have done it.
These people need the money.
Yeah, but the difference is, no-one was cheering for you to put the book under the right letter.
- No - If I was your fan, if I was there watching, going, "Come on, Josh, you can do it.
W! W!" And then you going, "OhhC," and then, "Aaaah!" What I don't understand is how it took them so long to work it out.
My first question would have been, "Why are Asian people betting "millions of pounds on the Northern Conference East?" If I've a mate and go, "I'm just going to nip into the bookies.
" "Oh, what are you betting on?" "Oh, Shanghai Tigers are playing this weekend.
"You don't know anything about the Chinese football league.
" As a Plymouth fan, I hope we have been fixing matches, cos the other explanation is that we're shit! The best chant I ever heard at a football ground was from Plymouth fans.
I went to see Leyton Orient and Plymouth.
At one point they went, "Are you watching Exeter?" And it was 0-0.
Our rivalry with Exeter is very vicious.
I remember when we played Exeter one of the players got sent off, and Plymouth fans shouted, "You dirty northern bastards.
" It's about 20 miles up the A38! Claudia, what do you think of this match-fixing? Well, good.
I think everything should be fixed, so then we don't have to watch it.
We don't even have to do it.
- We don't even have to do it.
- If we all agree that - Plymouth beat Exeter 3-0.
- Who cares?! Let's all have a nap.
A, it's way too long, the football.
Two, there aren't enough goals.
Put goals all the way Make it inside.
- Put goals all the way round? - All the way around.
I was with you for a bit, and then when you said that I think you should be removed from the committee for football improvements.
If I was a gambling man, I'm not really, but I can understand why you would want to fix the match, cos obviously it reduces the odds, doesn't it? You're more likely to win if you can get an organised crime gang behind you to make the result what you bet on.
Would you like to win this evening, Jack? Win what? We're playing a game.
- Oh! - Are there scores on this game? - Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack, come on.
- What are the rules? I'm going to throw it.
I'm going to throw this.
Doing quite a good job already, but - Ask me a question.
- What else have the nation been talking about? Daa-daa-daaaa-daa-daaa! What happens if we both try and fix it? This will go on forever.
It would be like reversing the polarity in Doctor Who.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Right, let's see if it is up there.
Yes, indeed! Yeah, six people have been arrested for match-fixing in English football.
It's the worst ever Fix-it scandal.
Well, second worst.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the most talked about things this week.
Sean's team.
Is it the fantastic news - I mean, there's good news and there's really good news - Yup.
- .
.
that Iran have agreed to stop enriching uranium beyond 5% and neutralise their stockpile of already enriched uranium? And if you'd told me that at the beginning of the year, I'd have said, "You're dreaming, mate.
" And they've pulled it off just before Christmas, as well.
And that's just You know, I don't need any presents now.
It all sounds very Back To The Future to me.
5% of uranium.
What will that power? Like, a Breville? How much? - It's basically, you get really strong fireworks.
- Is that what it is? Amazing fireworks.
You go, "Jesus Christ!" But you can't make bombs.
Yeah, basically they've agreed to not have uranium that they can use to make weapons.
I don't know why it's such a big thing, though.
America runs all of it, and they are the only people that have used nukes.
Which is like the only person with a criminal record is going, "Whoa! Whoa! "I know what you guys will do.
" "What?" "What WE did.
" Everyone has got the nukes and they are telling them not to have them.
Except Germany.
Germany doesn't have nukes cos they're very sorry for what happened before.
But everyone The Germans can't cos they'll do it again.
We all know that.
Sure as eggs is eggs, the Germans would do it again.
They made some mistakes, obviously, last time.
They'll do it, better PR, etc.
They can't have them in the house, basically.
It is like me and Wotsits - I can't have them in the house.
I know what I'm like, I know what I'm like - I'll eat them.
They do have questionable human rights.
Everyone is getting excited at the moment because the President is on Facebook and Twitter.
But in Iran it's called Covered-up Facebook and If Your Wife Misbehaves It's Perfectly Acceptable Tw-itt-er.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's not one of the most talked about things this week, but Iran has signed a historic nuclear deal.
Some have long suspected that Iran is secretly developing a nuclear bomb, a charge strenuously denied by Iran's head of secret nuclear bomb development.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
BUZZER Is it bras? Not, bras, that's rubbish.
Erm Queen's bra maker.
- What happened? - Yeah! They wouldn't let me in! I said, "Let me in.
" I just want to be in the changing room, that's all I wanted.
- What's the big deal? - I just want to be in the room where the Queen's had her tits out.
That's all.
- "Let me in!" - Sean, are you trying to throw this? Yeah.
No.
Is it the Bulgarians and the Romanians are gathering like a storm cloud of evil on the shores of Calais about to invade our country? And similar to the Vikings, very similar to the Vikings, the Vikings came to burn our houses down, they are coming to do them up.
It's the scaremongering of scurrilous papers like the Mail and the Express and Nigel Farage about Bulgarians and Romanians.
We don't even know what they're good at yet.
The Irish are good at roads, the Polish good at plumbing.
The Bulgarians, fingers crossed it's Knickerbocker Glories.
I think It would be very nice if a Romanian came over and actually got the job of running UKIP.
And actually turfed Farage out.
Someone called Nigel Faratski or something.
- Come in and undercut him? - Came in and undercut him - said, "I can do this for less.
" David Cameron has announced benefit restrictions to migrants in a bid to curb the number of people coming to the UK.
What would you do, Claudia, if you wanted to discourage people from coming to the UK? Well, just show them a picture! Show them a picture of the orange people that you guys have.
Those people are weird.
- Orange people? - That's me! You're judging people by the colour of their skin! How dare you! That's not skin, my friend! That's not skin! - How dare you? - That is not skin.
Not the kind of thing we do here! Can we not just have a slogan like, "Britain - so shit even the Scottish want to leave.
" But didn't they try and put people off by saying it's cold here? Yeah, they did.
They were also saying that the streets were not paved with gold.
No shit! No, they are paved with shit.
They've got to come.
Who's going to breast-feed my kids? What was that again? - Will you do it for me? - It's a little bit sour.
You get used to it.
I always put a bit of icing sugar around the nipple.
Trevor, you've recently come here, you've worked here.
What do you think? - You guys aren't very friendly.
Like, I mean - What, now? Look, it's partly because of your weather and just your lives and stuff, but you guys aren't Weather first, and then just our lives.
Like, you guys are very, like, you're not very friendly.
I don't know why you're stressed about immigrants.
When it's sportsmen, you guys love them.
You don't want workers, you want sportsmen.
We should have a border control that's basically a sports day.
Just have goal posts and then like a cricket field.
"Hey, Stotski, how did you get in?" "I hit the six!" I don't know.
I don't know.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes! David Cameron has announced a series of measures to limit benefits for immigrants.
I don't know - these Bulgarians and Romanians, they come over here, taking our Polish people's jobs.
Cheeky Girls, they were Romanian, weren't they? And look what they brought.
They're lovely.
Didn't they both go out with Lembit, together? - They did.
- No, they didn't.
- Yeah, two for the price - That is how history is written, with mistakes like that.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Originally, one of them went out with him.
But in time, cos they're twins, everyone goes, "Yeah, they both "He just had a sandwich nonstop going on all the time.
" I watched him interviewed once, Lembit Opik, Someone, to get a laugh, said, "What happened with you and the Cheeky Girl?" And he went, "I was just really in love with her and we split up.
" AUDIENCE: Aww! Fucking hell, it was tragic! I did a gig with Lembit Opik.
Do you remember when he did stand-up? - I remember that, yeah.
- After Josh, I've got a Lembit Opik anecdote.
You go first.
- Let's move on, OK? Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get - BUZZER Lembit Opik, right He's trying to throw this, don't let him.
They buzzed in.
You buzzed in, Jon.
It is I'm A Celebrity, isn't it? Which is back on telly.
It's like driving past a car accident.
You don't want to look, but you see a bit of it and you can't There was an incredible bit this week where Matthew Wright was sick into his own hand, choking on a testicle or something.
Ant and Dec are just watching him, going, "Don't forget you've got to eat all that or you don't get your little" Like a dog, he was sick in his hand, and they were going, "If you want your little gold star, you'll have to eat up all your sick.
" How can you not watch that? I mean - Where was the testicle from? - It was his own testicle.
Jack, would you consider it? You went on Big Brother.
That was good.
You won that.
Yeah, I did that for Comic Relief, though.
I wouldn't do anything else like that.
They put you with all sorts of people.
I don't know if you've watched the programme carefully, but there are other people on the show with you.
I'd punch Ant and Dec.
I hate those two.
- What are you talking about? I love them.
- They're a pair of dickheads.
They are not! No! APPLAUSE Don't clap him! - They're not funny - You don't mean that.
You're just saying that.
I mean it, I mean it.
To me, they're like one man with two foreheads.
- You don't even mean this.
- I do mean it.
This is a row I'm very happy to have.
- Go on, let's go.
- Do you not think Ant and Dec, when they look at their career, the proudest moments are when they checked some Coronation Street actress's mouth to make sure she'd finished a bollock? I only watch them! I can't watch what they're doing because it's too awful.
And I don't want to watch them eat stuff and go on this and they're scared of heights.
SHE SHRIEKS But I watch it for Ant and Dec, who I am in love with.
I want to do the Cheeky Girl, Lembit Opik sandwich with them.
I've eaten a sheep's testicle.
- You did what, sorry? - I've eaten a sheep's testicle.
What did it do to upset you? The farmer was livid, it has to be said.
I have honestly eaten one.
It was cooked and everything.
In Saudi Arabia.
It was revolting! You know what I'd like to see happen on that show? I'd love suddenly for one of those lost Japanese soldiers who doesn't know that World War II is over just to come out and start shooting them all! IMITATES MACHINE GUN Right, let's have a look and see if it's up there! APPLAUSE So, those were the most talked about things this week.
But in other news, Prince William sang Living On A Prayer, - with Jon Bon Jovi and Taylor Swift at a charity event.
Shall we have a look? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! Says we got to hold on To what we've got It doesn't make a difference If we make it or not We've got each other And that's a lot For love We'll give it a shot Oh, oh We're halfway there Oh, oh Living on a prayer Take my hand We'll make it, I swear Oh, living on a prayer.
APPLAUSE CLAUDIA: Speechless! It's amazing how quickly you can become an embarrassing dad, isn't it? Nothing says self-awareness like a man who was born a Prince singing a song about two people who are so poor that all they all they've got is their love for each other.
He is a clueless bell end, that man.
Kate must have been livid.
Cos she's bringing up a baby and he's gone out and got pissed and done karaoke.
I think she's all right.
I don't think she's at home making instant milk.
The baby has a team of people and she's on a beach somewhere.
She's got Bulgarian immigrants breast-feeding.
Also in the news this week, a poll has revealed that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago.
The survey also revealed that people are having more adventurous sex.
I know I am.
The other week me and my girlfriend tried something we'd never done before - lights on, socks off.
Nigella Lawson has been involved in another public spat with her ex-husband, Charles Saatchi.
To be fair to Nigella, I'd take drugs if I was married to a 70-year-old man with a face like a scrotum.
And Kanye West has compared himself to Willy Wonka.
Not surprising, he's going out with Kim Kardashian.
Have you seen the size of her chocolate factory.
At the end of that round, Sean, Jack and Claudia have two points.
Jon, Trevor and Josh have three points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Jon, Trevor, Josh, pick a question.
Er, let's have the lady texting.
OK.
Most people think the smartphone is the best ever invention - true or false? False.
It's not, is it? It's not, Jimmy, we're done there.
I don't think it's the smartphone.
It's the things the smartphone has.
I think Google is the best invention, to be honest.
Google is the best invention? Yes.
Google has made us smarter as people.
We now know the answers to things.
Because of Google, there won't be another world war.
- There won't be another world war? - There won't.
Now you go, "What happens when world wars happen?" and Google shows you and you're like, "I don't want to do that.
" I don't think Hitler was thinking, "I've got no idea what a war is like.
" Hitler's not the Googling type.
There's Googlers and there's non-Googlers.
Hitler's not a Googler, he's not a Googler.
Claudia, what you do think, best invention? We all know that.
Fake tan.
Hands down! Full stop.
Come on.
- Do you use fake tan? - All the time.
Look at me! I'm bright orange.
I hope.
That's not I have seen orange orange.
There you are again, judging people on their skin.
I am not judging, I'm commenting.
Jokes aside, I'd never seen these people before Where were these people? In a limousine, driving around in London somewhere.
One of them was out of the roof, screaming Was it an ambassador! Of somewhere Orange.
Maybe the Netherlands! I don't know.
Could be the Oompa-Loompas' ambassador? That's judging and that's not cool, Jimmy.
I want to look like I have soiled myself.
Like I've had a terriblerurgh! Like that.
Then I've gone like that! That's, boom! You want to look like you've smothered your face in excrement? I want to look like "Oh, I can hold the baby.
"Oh! Oh! It's everywhere.
It's everywhere! "I'll just put it on my face and my neckready!" So you think fake tan.
Sean, what do you think is the best invention of all time? It's got to be the hat, hasn't it? I mean, before the hat, what people had to endure! CLAUDIA SNORTS That's very lady-like, Claudia.
I enjoyed that noise! She's just about to tan herself.
Anything that comes from the sky, generally, if you live on this planet for a while, anything that comes from the sky is bad.
It's rain, it's sun, it's wind.
Sometimes, it's, like, anvils if you are in a cartoon.
You need a special hat for that one.
It's got to be the hat.
- What about cheese strings? - Don't be so bloody childish.
Not cheese strings.
We are talking sensible inventions! String and cheese.
It's two things that we needed, but now we only It doesn't work as string, I can tell you that.
If you try and wrap a parcel in that stuff And it doesn't work as cheese cos it tastes like the rim of a car door.
You know, that sort of rubber stuff? - He's right! - It fails on both.
What it has got is shiny packaging to attract children, who, as we know, are idiots.
Could the best invention, Jimmy, perhaps be God? Or the potato ricer? - What is a potato ricer? - CLAUDIA: Oh, it's amazing! I have recently invested in a potato ricer.
Incredible.
It is the best mash you'll ever have in your entire life.
- And minimal effort.
- CLAUDIA: It really is.
Just, bang.
Sometimes I've got mash and I don't want it.
I wake up and I've accidentally made mash, it is so easy! OK, I've got other contenders for brilliant inventions.
I've got a 3-D printer.
This is the new thing this year.
Let me show you what we've made.
This is a genuine 3-D print of Jon Richardson! Have a look at it.
It's really good, look at that.
I'm not happy with it pointing at me like that! I am starting to realise what it is like to be sat next to me.
- Can we get him next to Jon? - Yeah, we can get him next to Jon.
Sure.
Careful with me.
What a little wanker.
Unbelievable.
Why would anyone want that? The 3-D printer, what's the purpose of it? You can print anything.
In America, they're printing guns.
APPLAUSE It's like a really shit wedding cake! The sad thing about that wedding cake is it is just Jon on his own.
- OK, are you aware of a onesie? - Yeah.
OK, there is now a twinsie, which is a onesie for two people.
That's disgusting! Jon, pop that on.
It's a twinsie.
That's a onesie for people with personal space issues.
While you put that on, Trevor, you don't like the weather here? You say it like I don't like the weather, like you like the weather - like everybody likes the weather.
I've got something for you.
I've got you a full-body umbrella.
Try that out for size! You can pull it out, don't panic.
JACK: It looks like a see-through Ku Klux Klan outfit.
This is fantastic.
CLAUDIA: Nobody is going to buy this.
That's like a three-legged race What is that? You can't even have sex in it! This is the most intense experience I've ever had.
Is this sex? Hood up.
Hood up.
Hood up.
Hood up.
All right.
I don't know if it is sex, but I am going to count it to my tally if it is! I don't even have to walk like this.
I can walk normally.
- Pop down the - Agh! I just broke my foot! I got you this.
It's a new invention.
It's a tie and it's got booze in it.
- Aw - It is a flask tie.
If you are going to events, you can drink booze out of it.
I bet they haven't put it in.
Yeah, we've put booze in, don't panic.
- I insisted there was booze for you.
- Thank you.
For the businessman with problems.
- Where's the booze? - You bite it a bit and squeeze it.
You squeeze it, give it a suck.
- It's not booze.
- Is it not booze? - Nah, fuckers.
Did they not give you booze? I did insist.
It's cider, apparently.
It's like Kryptonite! It wouldn't work, would it? If you're sitting at a meeting, chatting "Why's your tie moving like that?" Do you think anyone would be suspicious if you started sucking? Jack, I've got this for you.
This is apparently to help you to learn how to smile better! What it is, it's a gym for the mouth.
So what you do is you just pop that in your mouth and you can exercise your mouth, so you are better able to smile! It also works as a diaphragm as well for women.
So you put the whole thing in and you can exercise - That is not what this is for! - It is what this is for.
Are you sure the fur hasn't fallen off? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I feel like a blow-up doll! That is what I feel like.
Thanks, anyway! OK, we'll get some answers.
- What do you think? - We're going to say false.
You think people will think no.
What do you think, Sean? We'll say yes, just to make it interesting.
OK.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
APPLAUSE That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Sean, Jack, Claudia - pick a question.
- Well, thebillboard.
- All right.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
True or false? Eh? LAUGHTER Well, I just asked.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
True or false? What do you think? I haven't had cider for a while.
The reason I don't drink it SLURRING: it affects me! See what you've done to him? Look, he's crashed now.
- It affects - It's OK, Sean.
- .
.
me! T-t-tiniest amount affects Gemma! Erm, advertising How would you know? Because you are naturally drawn to things.
If you keep saying something over and over again You definitely are, but I think people would like to think they're stronger than that, which we're not.
Have you bought anything recently on the basis of an advert? I only buy stuff because of adverts.
Where were you when you saw the advert for "Introducing new Shit-Face"? OK.
Take a look at this ad.
This stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, it got a lot of attention recently.
- I'm in! - See what you think.
- I'm in.
'I've had my ups and downs.
'My fair share of bumpy roads and heavy winds.
'That's what made me what I am today.
' 'Now, I stand here before you.
' 'What you see is a body crafted to perfection.
'A pair of legs engineered to defy the laws of physics 'and a mindset to master the most epic of splits.
' MUSIC: "Only Time" by Enya Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time And who can say if your love grows? As your heart chose Only time.
APPLAUSE - Is that an ad for fake tan? - What's that for? - That is What's that an ad for? Was that an ad for fake tan? Cos you see my point.
I'm in.
That was an ad for lorries because lorry drivers naturally like a man that can do the splits.
It's also educational.
Sometimes, you're driving on the motorway and Jean-Claude Van Damme jumps on your roof.
You think, "How will I get rid of him? "I'll just drift away from the car next to me.
" Not going to work, not going to work.
Do you think you're influenced, Jon? Do you buy stuff based on ads? TO THE TUNE OF DANONE ADVERT: Mm, I'm not.
LAUGHTER, THEN APPLAUSE That was great! I've had enough of advertisers using, like Sell your thing with the thing it's good at.
Like the Jean-Claude Van Damme thing, saying it drives straight.
When advertisers advertise something by just things that are nice? That bloody car advert with the rap on it and the guy's going, "Sometimes it rains and then you have chips," and then they go, "Do you want a fucking car? "Cos chips are nice, aren't they, on the beach?" McDonald's do it as well.
If you're a new family, McDonald's will keep you together, won't it(?) McDonald's is weird, though.
I did a casting for them.
They had a description for their ad.
They said we're looking for people to come and do this ad and they described, "we're looking for funky, young mixed people - "groups of people that look like they're cool.
" Then they literally wrote at the bottom, "People who are generally in shape.
"Please, not people that look like they eat McDonald's.
" OK, making adverts isn't easy.
Look at this.
DIRECTOR: The line is, "Baked in a buttery, flaky crust.
" - Baked in a buttery, flacrust.
- Close.
- Baked on a buttery - Flaky.
- .
.
crispy crust.
Flaky! I left "flaky" out again.
Baked on a butteryer, crispy crust.
- Zack! Flaky! - I thought I said "flaky.
" OK.
- Baked in a buttery, f - Flaky.
- .
.
flakycrust.
- Did I screw up again? - Yes, you did.
- I did? Bah! - Baked in a bake Opps! - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes, point! Baked in a buttery, crispy flake HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY APPLAUSE That's a perfect marriage.
That was a great ad.
What was it, ad for marriage? What was that? That was an ad for euthanasia.
Most people admit they're easily influenced by advertising - true or false? What do you think? - True.
- You're going to go true.
What do you think? False.
People like to think they aren't, but they are.
I can tell you the answer is false.
Only 19% of people admit they're easily influenced by advertising.
APPLAUSE Personally, I'd only agree to do subtle ads for products I really believe in.
Why? Because I'm worth it.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your question.
Biggest turn-off on a date? - Oh - BUZZER - Go on, Claudia? - A fancy car.
There's something wrong with a man who has to drive a nice car.
I won't get in it.
I won't sleep with him, I won't talk to them, I will just immediately close the door and say byesy-bye.
What would your ideal vehicle of choice be? Would it be like a minicab? No, I'd like a very old, dilapidated car, perhaps that you would have to get into from the back.
Nothing would work.
Man - he's wearing a fisherman's sweater.
Maybe he has some paint on his hands because actually, he's an artist as well as a fisherman.
His hair's like that, he's singing to Duran Duran.
- SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS - He'd get it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, I'd fuck him as well.
This is your fantasy.
What does your husband drive? I don't know, I don't let him out the house.
Biggest turn-off on a date.
What do you think, Sean? I made a big mistake once when I was at a bar with this woman.
I said - I thought it was cool - I said, "Two glasses of champagne," and then I remembered, I said, "Ooh, and a saucer of milk for my rat.
" And that put her right off.
Jack, what do you think? One of the worst things, and I've done this, I met a girl for a - this is many, many years ago - for a drink in a bar on a first date andwhat you mustn't do ever is start a small fire, erm in-in their hair.
LAUGHTER I was lighting a cigarette and you know how a little, tiny bit of the match can came off sometimes? It flicked up and landed in her hair as she was looking that way and it went, "Tssss!" like that and there was some smoke coming from the back of her head and she said, "Can you smell burning?" And I had to say, "No, I can't, no.
" Biggest turn-off I've been on on a date is M4, junction 15.
Sort of sweeps down and back up.
Cos if you don't read it It just looks that big, but because you're going uphill, you get to the lights and you get a lovely view of Swindon there.
As there's a drive-through Costa on the left.
Lucky girl! What do you think, Josh? You strike me as quite a ladies' man.
No, I'm not good.
I went on a date so bad at one pointwe were struggling for conversation so much, she got out her phone and started choosing a new ringtone.
How old was she? About 11? What did she choose? "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me", or something? It was The Funeral March that she chose! She just choose the traditional ring-ring.
She wasn't right for you, Josh.
I can smell a bitch like that a mile off.
I bet she was having a little bit of cider on the old lip.
I had another bad incident when I was meeting a girl outside the pub and I thought I was quite tired.
When I'm quite tired, I think if I do a few stretches SEAN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING - .
.
it'll wake me up.
- Right.
- I didn't see her coming.
So as she was walking down the street, it looked like I was limbering up.
As if What were you doing, what kind of moves? Show us.
You start with something simple.
I didn't realise it was a long street.
- I would've started like that.
- Yeah, sure.
It got quite pelvic by the end.
So, there was kind of that one and then kind of - Waiting for a girl? - And she Waiting for a girl, just working on those hamstrings.
Don't want to pull one of those in a vital moment later! Yeah, it was a disaster.
This whole thing's really brought up some bad memories for me.
I've never felt so good! Biggest turn-off on a date, what do we think? Let's get some answers.
- I don't knowbad breath.
- BO.
- BO? - BO, I'll say.
Is the right answer.
APPLAUSE Yes, the biggest turn-off on a date is smelling of BO.
If you're on a date with someone who stinks, try and ignore it and make small talk.
Ask them what part of France they're from.
END OF ROUND BUZZER That sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the show.
The final scores are Sean, Jack and Claudia have three points.
Jon, Trevor and Josh have five points, they've won.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.