8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e09 Episode Script
Gabby Logan, Ellie Simmonds, Alex Brooker, David O'Doherty
1 CHEERING Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're weak at de-knees, it's Denise van Outen.
Not just a funny face, it's Sam Simmons.
And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
And facing them tonight, he's football crazy, he's football mad, it's Jermaine Jenas.
She's the American dream, it's Michelle Wolf.
And their team captain, Rob Beckett.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Thanks very much, cheers.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 8% of people have seen their neighbours naked.
I know I have, it was so annoying.
I had to wait hours.
British workers lose 29 million days a year to hay fever.
Of course, hay fever doesn't affect all British workers, just those in certain fields.
And pigs can run at a speed of 11 miles per hour.
Unfortunately for pigs, what can run at 12 miles per hour is David Cameron.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight it's the panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most talked about Brits of the last year.
Rob.
Jeremy Corbyn.
He's got to be up there.
He keeps getting re-voted in, doesn't he? I just don't think I'd trust him with a barbecue.
He's always been a little bit, kind of, I don't know - He seems a bit nerdy - Shit! - What is he in charge of? - Nothing, literally fuck all.
No, he's the, what's happened is, he's the leader of the opposition party, the Labour Party, and all the MPs, all the people in the party with him, tried to get rid of him.
But the voters went, "No, no, we like him.
" - So they've got a leader that they all hate.
- Oh, a leader you hate? Yeah.
It's ridiculous with this Labour leadership thing, because to vote on it, you've got to pay 25 quid.
People don't even vote in the general election and it's free.
Who's gonna pay 25 quid to elect the person that's going to lose to the Tories? Same people that voted for Honey G.
He is nice, though, he came backstage to a gig once, - I'm in the same borough as him in London.
- Did he come to a gig? He came to a comedy gig, and everyone was able to rip the piss out of him and he took it on the chin, and, like, high-fived everyone.
You've met him, you like him, how would you improve his image? See, I like that he sticks to his guns.
Yeah, like maybe a shave and a wash.
But But then that's a real lefty.
You want your lefty to be socialist-looking with - a peaked cap, you don't want them to look like the Tories.
- Absolutely.
You want them to look like the opposition.
- You want them at some stage to get into government, don't you? - Yeah But then would that kind of ruin their vibe? Take a look at him back in his younger years, take a look at this.
It's not a fashion parade, it's not a gentleman's club, it's not a bankers' institute, it's a place where the people are represented.
- Is that the jumper that your mum made? - Yes, it is.
She didn't make the shirt as well? No, no, she didn't make the shirt, that came from the Co-op.
But the jumper she knitted, it's very comfortable and it's perfect for this kind of weather because I'm hopping in and out of buildings all day long, going to meetings in different places and it's just perfect for the winter weather.
APPLAUSE I mean He's got that really sort of musty look about him, hasn't he? He looks like an expert in a disaster film no-one believes until it's too late.
"He was right! No!" He kind of reminds me of your version of Bernie Saunders, you know? - Yes.
- But both of them remind me of someone that only eats soup.
You know, he's like, "Where's my soup?" People want him to be this, like, crazy guy, but he's never going to be posting pictures on Instagram of him eating salad and having a laugh.
Or a cock shot.
You know he has to have a big hairy mess down there, right? Maybe that's why he's so musty.
He is quite the ladies' man.
I mean, it's sort of a strange thing, take a look at these girls.
# Cos baby there ain't no mountain high enough # Ain't no valley low enough HE JOINS IN: # Ain't no river wide enough To keep me away from you, babe.
CHEERING APPLAUSE I like him.
Bless him.
That was like the most depressing bachelorette party with the lousiest stripper.
No, he took his jumper off.
Sam, what do you make of Jeremy Corbyn? I like him, it's like a dodgy geography teacher look.
This is you saying this.
Sam, I'm just saying, the look you're rocking is a PE teacher.
- What says sport about that? - It says '70s sport.
- You talking sex sport? What are you talking about here? - School sport.
- Not dodgy, kind of like - No, no dodgy things.
I don't see you in that way.
- No.
I think I know where you're going with it and I would like to finally just get this out in the open, I would like to see a moustache to paedophile ratio.
It's where we're going, I know it's where we're going, it's definitely where we're going, I know you're getting to that eventually.
Like, he's got a dodgy look, like he's hanging around toilet blocks or something.
I don't think Jimmy was alluding that you look like a paedophile, I think it's that you look like all the people on Guess Who.
Can you get rid of the hat for one second? I don't want to take the hat off! Sorry, can I just Can I just flick you forward, please? Does it make you a little upset that the top of your head gave up and the front of your face kept going? You don't have to take you don't have to stand for that.
- You're a beautiful man.
- It's slightly migrating down my back and it's a look I'm My wife seems to love it.
So, yeah.
(He hasn't got a wife.
) Shall we have a look and see if Jeremy Corbyn is one of the most talked about people of 2016? Number three.
Yes, it's Jeremy Corbyn.
In June, a motion of no confidence against Jeremy Corbyn was passed but Corbyn wasn't worried.
At his age, you get used to unwanted motions being passed all the time.
Aisling's team, who else did the nation talk about in 2016? - Could it be the first British man in space, Tim - Tim Peake.
I hate to say this but he's not the most charismatic man in the world.
I mean, he's not even the most charismatic man in space.
Like, it's not Like, I wonder how he got up there.
I'd say his wife was like, "Tim, we need some space.
" "The shed?" "Nooooo.
"Further than the shed.
" He ran the marathon in space, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, I know, but it's a bit try-hard.
- He did what? - OK, so, Tim Peake, he's a British man and he went into space for six months.
- That's it.
- We have monkeys that do that on the regs, you know? But can a monkey fix the toilet? No, Tim Peake can.
- You don't know that.
A monkey could fix a toilet.
- He went up there To fix the toilet? To fix the toilet, he had a bacon sandwich, and then he flew back down, and then when he landed he had a bacon sandwich as well.
I don't know if he's an astronaut or plumber.
The first thing I'd do, bag of Maltesers, bosh.
Floating.
APPLAUSE Straight off the bat.
He rang home, he managed to ring home from space.
- I can't get reception in my kitchen.
- You're surprised he got signal? He's literally next to a satellite.
- Next to it.
- I don't - He could plug it into the satellite.
I know that all of our phones go up to a satellite and go back out but I don't like thinking about it because it hurts my head.
He phoned his parents, didn't he? And they were out so he left a message.
Imagine missing that call.
- They weren't out, - they were screening that call.
"Who's it from, is it Tim? "Oh, another science experiment he's done, leave it, love.
" Jermaine, would you go to space? No, I don't think it's for me, to be honest with you.
Fine, I'll put the tickets back.
I thought we could go together, I thought we were getting on great.
Certain things are just, like, I don't like going in the sea and stuff like that.
Anything I'm not 100% sure of what's going on there.
So you don't go in the sea? I'll have a dip around the shallow part but I don't go into the deep.
- Why is that? - Might get eaten by sommat.
I can tell you, Tim Peake is not one of the most talked about Brits.
While staying at the International Space Station, Tim Peake received cargo deliveries.
The only problem was, if he wasn't in, he had to go to the moon between 12 and 4 on Wednesdays to collect them.
Fingers on buzzers, two more to get.
BUZZER Go on, Sam.
Nile, Nigel Fair, Fara Nigel Far - BUZZER - Nigel Farage.
I've known people that had a problem with his surname, but Nigel normally they nail.
Normally Nigel, it's plain sailing.
- BUZZER - Nigel Fara-je.
What do you make of Nigel Farage? Not much, I don't know much about him.
He's just like, wasn't he, like, he traded stock, and sold metal? He doesn't like Dolmio sauces? I've got no idea, he's got a problem with Italians? I don't know what the problem is.
He's kind of like Britain's weird little pet that everyone sort of enjoyed and then one night someone fed him after midnight and he went "Blaaaargh!" "Oh, what have we unleashed?" There is something slightly ingenious about Nigel Farage, because he has managed to replace himself with himself three times.
I mean, he quits, he leaves the room, does a U-turn, comes back in and goes, "Guys, I've got a new leader for you.
"What's got two thumbs and hateful views? This guy!" He's a buffoon, isn't he? Simple as that.
The thing that's scary about him is, he's got everything he wanted, hasn't he? I mean, we're out of Europe and Donald Trump's president.
And the funniest thing is, he gets paid in euros so he's doubled his money.
People support Nigel Farage, a lot of people like him.
This lady really likes him, take a look at this tattoo.
Nigel Farage on her arm.
Here's that woman meeting her hero.
It is, what on earth possessed you to do this to yourself? HE LAUGHS I mean, this is astonishing.
Well, it's certainly I can't believe it.
- I'm very flattered.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
We'll We've got, um We've got, um Upstairs on the fourth floor is the Lazarus suite, which is my sort of room.
So away from all the press, if you want to come up in about half an hour and say hello, the Lazarus suite on the fourth floor, come and see us.
CHEERING I mean I mean, let's Let's no-one be a player hater here.
But did that man just give her his hotel room details? What's worrying about that lady is, she looks like me when I was in sixth form.
The tattoo thing's interesting, your tattoos stop dead there.
- Does your mum know you've got tattoos? - Yeah, she does.
- Are you 100% sure? - I wasn't hiding them from my mum.
I was hiding them from On TV when I'm doing certain shows, they can be hidden.
But not this, this show not good enough to bother hiding them? - I can get them all out on here.
- That's an owl! - What's he got? - Who's that? - Owl! - Got an owl.
- Who's that? - Who's this? Oooo! Do you worry about when you get fat arms when you're older, and you're like, can't be asked any more, and then your arms get fat, the owl will be like Denise, are you a fan of Farage, what do you make of him? I think he's quite entertaining, to be honest.
It would be a dull world without him.
It's fair enough, he's kind of shaken things up certainly, came out of nowhere and got his way and off.
He's a twat.
Sam, I don't know what you think of Nigel Farage, but I think you'll like him more if you look at this.
- Oh! That's him with a 'tache.
- Yeah, I like him.
He's very rah, rah, rah, regatta, isn't he? He's a little bit, "Haw, haw, haw, Mulligatawny.
"Rah, rah, rah, cucumbers.
" It seems on a weekend he's very much like a pastel shirt with the collar up, you know that kind of popped collar pastel shirt? A jumper worn over the shoulder.
Little posh fucker.
Yeah, that kind of - Sorry, was that directed at me, or? - No, no.
That's your thing.
- But with those little pastel - That's your thing! That's your thing, that's the thing I'm rocking, it's OK.
If you see those little pastel shirt fuckers with their collars popped up, here's a handy hint, if you point them north, into the sun, you can use their collar like a sundial on their shoulder and you can tell it's the time for them to fuck off.
Right, let's see if Nigel Farage is up there.
- Yeah.
- Yes, it's Nigel Farage.
Some people think Nigel Farage hates Remainers, but that's not true.
You're thinking of Romanians.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most talked-about Brits of 2016.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - Rob, what do you think? - The Queen.
- The Queen.
- She was 90, weren't she? - She was 90, yes.
Well, you're going to be if you have two birthdays a year, don't you? LAUGHTER Do you reckon? Who gives her, sorts her money out? Because when your nan gets to about 90, you sort of One of the kids takes over, don't they? And gives them like a few hundred quid a week or whatever and pays all the insurance.
- Do you reckon she's? - Er How much could she spend before someone had a word? LAUGHTER That must be really hard, knowing you'll never get to have a retirement party.
It's not like the country's going to have a whip-round for a voucher for Debenhams for her when she finally finishes.
Should she not retire and give Charles a go? I mean, he'd so love a go.
- He'd so love a go.
- How's the crown going to work with his ears? LAUGHTER Well, it's not going to slip off, is it? - He's been bred for that.
- It's going to push them out even more! Maybe that's why she's not given it up.
LAUGHTER I would love to see the Queen around the house.
I know a really good fact about the Queen, what she does, this is her dessert every night, she warms up a Snickers in the microwave for about 30 seconds and eats it with a knife and fork - and that's a true fact.
I've spent a fair amount of time drinking in parks.
How do you know that? LAUGHTER Actually, I heard it from a guy at Betfred.
LAUGHTER I'm pretty sure it's true.
What do you make of the Queen? Do you like her? - I love the Queen.
- Have you met her? - I have met the Queen, yeah.
I've met the Queen, Charles, Harry, haven't met William.
Who's Queen Charles? LAUGHTER He sounds like a laugh! - Harry's really good fun.
- Oh, is he? Really? - He's a real party animal.
I've partied with him, he's really cool I'm so annoyed he's started going out with a foreign brunette actress and I was like, "I was right here, Harry, the whole time!" - Where did you go? - I've been a couple of times, I've been a - What? - Oh, ow - LAUGHTER No, I just know it.
I just know the group of people that know him really well, so I've been out a couple of times.
- Did you go anywhere fun? - Yeah.
Does he gets drunk a lot? Does he drink beer? What's his drink? - Everything.
- LAUGHTER - No, he's really, he's a really good laugh.
- I had the Queen's drink.
I went to something It might sound like I'm always there I was in the palace and they said, they said, "Would you like a drink?" And I said, "I'll have what the Queen's having.
" And so they gave me a Dubonnet and gin, - which I would strongly recommend.
- What's Dubonnet? It's like a Campari or Martini, one of those of vermouthy drinks.
I had one and I had to be put to bed.
LAUGHTER I suppose, I mean, she has to go to one of these grand dinners every night and she goes, "Right, I'm meeting who?" "What? Yeah, one of those.
" LAUGHTER Do you know what I reckon she's bored of? The fucking Red Arrows.
LAUGHTER Any time that she does It goes up the house.
Vroom! - She must think it's in her flight path.
- Yeah! - Blue smoke.
- HE CHOKES Jermaine, have you met the Queen? - I've not met the Queen as yet - "As yet"? - I mean, this is confidence.
- But I met William and Harry a few times.
- Oh, wow.
- They used to come down and watch us all the time and, yeah, there was a couple of occasions.
Remember when Crouchy was doing the old robot before the World Cup and that? William was down at training doing the robot, which was quite entertaining, to be honest with you.
But you probably saw Harry doing it on a night out, I'm sure, Denise.
Yeah.
She's seen some incredible things and she's not saying nothing.
LAUGHTER Michelle, from an American perspective, what do you make of the Queen? You know what I've always thought of the Queen is she's constantly holding in a fart, probably.
LAUGHTER Yeah I've never seen her let one rip.
LAUGHTER That woman probably hasn't been able to freely fart her entire life.
DENISE: No, I reckon she gets it out in the morning, first thing.
On the bed, legs up Get in there.
You know, I imagine, I imagine she wakes up, "Philip, come here and pull my finger.
" LAUGHTER Sam, is the Queen beloved in Australia? Yeah, there's a thing we do back at home - Any Australians in the audience, by the way? On holiday? - Yeah.
OK, cool.
The five dollar note in Australia, if you fold it in a certain way You know what I'm talking about? When you fold the Queen's face, her neck looks like a cock going into a whale's mouth.
LAUGHTER - It is incredible.
Am I right? - Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER If there's two Australians in here, who's on the bar? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you the Queen is not one of the most talked-about Brits of 2016, but the Queen loves racing horses, although she's 90 now, so usually the horses win.
LAUGHTER Fingers on the buzzers, one more to get.
BUZZER Oh, it must be ye olde May.
Theresa May.
She got in because absolutely no-one else was around, basically.
LAUGHTER It was kind of like the award that goes to like the kid who's always at school for like best attendance.
You know, has got five crayons up its nose half the time.
"Well, he was here all the time!" LAUGHTER She's basically The new Prime Minister's been put in charge after Brexit, and that is a tough job.
It's like being made the captain of the Titanic after it hit an iceberg.
LAUGHTER Can you just replace your leaders? - Any time? - Yeah.
You want to hear more? Yeah.
Seems like an interesting idea.
I mean, before you replace them, basically one of them's got to do something terrible.
I have confidence in that, yeah.
LAUGHTER It would be quite nice to see that someone can elect a woman.
No, no, no, we did not elect her.
- Oh, no.
- How do people get in charge here?! LAUGHTER Listen, David Cameron, who weirdly we did elect, left.
He said, "Right, you fucking sort it out.
"If that's the way you want to be, I'm off.
" - And then everyone else scattered.
- Yeah.
Everyone else who we thought was going to be the leader just went, "I'll be over here if you need me.
" Basically the lights went out in the nightclub in Britain, she crept in, then the lights went back up, everyone had gone, and Britain found out it was actually kissing its granny.
Theresa May's been, obviously she's become Prime Minister and she's up against the hard questions, the tough, heart-aching stuff.
Take a look at this.
Final question, Prime Minister, it's a very important one.
You exploded a huge argument at the weekend in interview about scone-gate.
You revealed the recipe that your mother had given you to make scones and the debate was raging because you didn't seem to discriminate between the use of butter or margarine.
I need to know from you, cos I know you're a big fan of Bake Off, is it better to have butter? And if it is better to have butter, are we talking hard butter or soft butter? THERESA MAY LAUGHS Well, you have to rub it in with the flour, so And it's often easier actually if it's hard You can get a good rub in.
If it's too soft, then it starts to become a bit claggy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know why she got so much backlash about a scone recipe.
Do you know what I mean? Like, Tony Blair illegally invaded Iraq.
And she's just knocked up a scone with marge - and everyone's kicking off.
- LAUGHTER Why is she even giving out scone recipes? Why are they even asking her? It's like Mary Berry tweeting her immigration policy, isn't it? LAUGHTER Theresa May hasn't impressed everyone as Prime Minister.
Take a look at this.
I've got something to say to you, Theresa May.
Yesterday night, I was out on the streets and I saw hundreds, millions of homeless people.
You should be out there, Theresa May.
You should be Biscuits, hot chocolate, sandwiches, building houses.
Look, I'm only five years old.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I'm saving up money and there'll never be enough.
You've got the pot of money.
Spend some and help people.
Cos we've had lots of wars in this country, and I do not like that, Theresa May.
I'm very angry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not entirely sure who that is, but what was she doing out with homeless people last night? LAUGHTER She's also been sucking on a blue crayon.
Did you see on the side of her mouth? If I was all pepped up on crayons, I'd get angry as well.
What else was it? She's had a bit of criticism, Theresa May, though.
She was called "the submarine" by Cameron - Goes down? - Well, no, she disappeared - LAUGHTER Sorry.
Yeah, you book an Australian, it's going to happen.
It is though, isn't it? It's cos she wasn't around when it was the EU referendum, she kept on disappearing.
But she's got an impossible position, right? Cos she wanted to remain and now she's in charge of a government that wants to leave, right? So it's like slagging your brother's missus off, right? When they break up and then they get back together.
And you've got to try and claw it back.
"Yeah, right.
She's not a dickhead, she's just feisty.
" LAUGHTER I suppose the thing that's been talked about a lot with Theresa May is a lot of people are obsessed by her shoes.
Yeah, see, I like the little kitten heels.
Look, the left Well, I love a bit of leopard.
I like them.
She's sort of sexy from the ankle down, isn't she? LAUGHTER Who's Theresa May, by the way? LAUGHTER OK, let's see if Theresa May's up there.
Most talked-about person.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Theresa May.
May has struck a blow for feminism by proving that a woman is just as capable as a man of fucking up Britain.
So those were the most talked about Brits of 2016, but others include Cheryl.
Cheryl is currently dating Liam Payne.
At 33, you could say Cheryl is old enough to be his mum, but she's from Newcastle, so she's actually old enough to be his nan.
LAUGHTER And Adele was the best-selling artist of 2016.
Her first three albums have been called 19, 21 and 25, but now she's moved to LA, so the next three albums are going to be called 29, Still 29 and None Of Your Fucking Business.
So, at the end of that round, Rob, Michelle and Jermaine have one point, Aisling, Denise and Sam have two points.
APPLAUSE Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Michelle, Jermaine, what do you like the look of? - Oh, is that you, Jermaine? - Yeah.
- In your QPR days? We'll go for Jermaine, seeing as we've got Jermaine here.
Yeah.
You look livid there.
Has something terrible happened there? - Being signed for QPR.
- LAUGHTER - That's my I've just scored face, actually.
- Right.
- God.
And who was she? LAUGHTER Well, here's the question, and it's difficult for a professional sportsman, but I mean, who gets involved in any type of sport just to take part? People that play for QPR? LAUGHTER Anyone who supports the team, it sounds like a home shopping network.
LAUGHTER "Today on QPR, watches.
" LAUGHTER What happens, then? When If you're playing for QPR, and let's say you get You've got a game against Arsenal, Man City, anyone that spent a billion dollars on their club, or whatever, a million pounds on their players and I don't know Million pound! Trevor Francis upfront! LAUGHTER - I don't know! - Tony Cottee's just been signed! So, when QPR are up against, I don't know, Man City or Chelsea, and you know you're going to lose, how do you go out there? Do you go, "Well, good luck"? You don't go into games knowing you're going to lose.
Oh, come on, you played for Tottenham.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You know when you get five bookings in the season, - you get suspended for a couple of games? - Mm.
Does it ever get to the 23rd of December and you think, "If I go in here, I can get Christmas off"? LAUGHTER I'll be honest, like, me personally, obviously, squeaky-clean over here, never done anything like that.
But I know players that have lined a few up on the 23rd of December, saying, "You're getting it today, mate.
" Bosh, that's it.
Suspended.
- Oh, devastated.
- Have you? - Did you ever get many red cards in your? - One.
One red card in your whole career? I mean, that's seems incredibly good.
Almost feels like you weren't trying hard enough.
LAUGHTER What did you have to do to get a red card? It's a safety word thing, isn't it? It's like if things get too sexy on the field, it's like It's a red card there, like it goes straight up and you're like, "Hey, no more of that.
That's in the showers.
" Genuinely, what did you get the red card for? It was a bad tackle.
That was it, basically.
- What's wrong with your tackle? - LAUGHTER He has got a tattoo of an owl on it.
LAUGHTER The head just follows you around.
Denise, are you, Are you competitive? I am I competitive? I used to be competitive, but not any more.
What did you used to sort of be competitive about? When I was a kid I did dance competitions, - and I really wanted to win.
- Yeah.
What was your dance? Would you ever do Strictly? - I've done Strictly.
- Oh, sorry.
LAUGHTER - What's Strictly? - Strictly - It's like Dancing With Stars.
- But it's popular here, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ROB: Is Dancing With Stars not popular? Not even Stars, it's like dancing with a guy that was on a show, that you don't remember his name Oh, not here.
Here it's all, it's solid.
LAUGHTER Here it's like, it's all, it's just gold, gold, gold.
When you were a kid, what did you do? Did you do a bit of hip-hop, or what kind of dancing did you do as a kid? - No, I did like ballet, tap - Tap? - I used to tap.
Did you? I used to tap as well.
- Oh, yeah, I think it's in the film, it's in Annie.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I thought it was Marge's sisters from The Simpsons.
LAUGHTER Oh, no, you didn't! I mean it depends on what it is, doesn't it? Because if it's fighting to the death, it's like, yes.
But if it's like having sex, that's not something you want to be like "Yeah, I win!" - Oh, I do.
I want to win.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I think whenever I have sex, I always come first.
- That doesn't surprise me.
- 100%.
Well, if you're paying for it, I mean, obviously want to get your money's worth.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So most people think winning's more important than taking part.
What are you going to go for? What do you think? True or false? - I think winning.
- Winning.
- Way more important than taking part.
I'll say true.
We think people want to win more than take part.
- OK, what do you think? - I don't know.
- I think people would say they'd want to take part - rather than win.
- Yeah, I think people would want to appear like they're good people.
- But they're lying.
- Yeah.
I would say false.
- You say false.
OK, I can tell you the answer isfalse.
- Yeah.
Only 38% of people think winning is more important than taking part.
APPLAUSE We're winning! We won! We won that answer! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Aisling, Denise, Sam, what do you like the look of? - I mean - That guy.
- That's what you like the look? Do you know what? I'm going to go with old Sammy here.
Yeah, this man who's picking his nose.
OK, most people have a strange habit they're embarrassed about.
True or false? Have you got any strange habits, Sam? Yeah.
LAUGHTER What's the strangest thing you do? I've got a thing I do with a dear mate back in Australia where we walk into urinals and .
.
we LAUGHTER We wee like we're little boys.
LAUGHTER - So what we do, we I can show you, we - No, not on me.
LAUGHTER - Definitely do, yeah.
Show us.
- This is what we do.
We'll go straight to the urinal together, and then we'll pull our pants I'll have to get the mic out, hang on.
We pull our pants all the way down, like little boys.
Like And we LAUGHTER We wee like little boys.
Is that what little boys do? Yeah, when little boys go to the urinal, they pull your pants all the way down.
Your mike pack looks like you've had a shit! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No, no, don't pull it back up.
It ruins the illusion.
Someone's going to have to use that again! LAUGHTER There's going to be a sound man in HR in the morning.
LAUGHTER Michelle, do you have any strange habits? I do.
I pee like a little boy.
LAUGHTER I I pluck my nipple hairs.
LAUGHTER I keep on telling you, let them grow! LAUGHTER You pluck your nipple hairs - like, just nervously, when you're in a meeting? - Yeah! LAUGHTER When I can't think of a joke, you know, I need a punchline, I just go, "Oh, OK.
" DENISE: Are they long and curly? - No, no.
You have nipple hair, right? - No.
- LAUGHTER - A little nipple hair? - AISLING: You've never had one? - No, I've hardly got any, look.
- I've quite hairless.
- You really don't! - ROB: I don't think blonde people are very hairy.
I'm not.
- No, we're not.
I'm not hairy.
I don't think I've got nipple hair, to be honest with you.
I haven't even got pubes, yet.
LAUGHTER Denise, any strange habits? Well, not really anything that I'm embarrassed about.
What do you do that you think other people would perceive? Well, someone picked up on it the other day, cos I play golf.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
So before I take a shot, which I wasn't aware of, I always do, like, three strokes LAUGHTER .
.
of the golf club.
I do, like, one, two, three, and then I hit the ball.
And I had no idea was doing it.
- You have to concentrate, just to kind of - Yeah.
Someone filmed me and I watched back, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, I do" But I was completely unaware that I do it.
That is your worst habit?! LAUGHTER I've got so many I I cup my farts and smell them.
LAUGHTER I hold hands with strangers in the street.
I will walk up behind people, as they're walking along, and just grab their hand.
I go, "Oh, I'm sorry about that!" LAUGHTER I make the eye of my penis sing.
LAUGHTER Oh, PLEASE show us that one! I can't do it, but I do, like, if there's a Do you know what I'm talking about? You do! LAUGHTER There's nothing wrong with me, I just, like, sing to my wife with it.
Like, # Hello! # LAUGHTER OK, so most people have a strange habit they're embarrassed about.
What do you think? True or false? I girn when I'm excited.
When I get excited, I go LAUGHTER - Cos I can't contain the energy.
- Do that again? Like that.
LAUGHTER But, it's So, basically, it's so much energy, I'm so When I was a kid, I used to go HE PANTS LAUGHTER But now I've calmed it down, just to LAUGHTER - True, we think.
- You think true.
OK.
LAUGHTER - What are you going with, Aisling? - False.
- I think false.
- Denise says false.
- OK, you're going to go false.
I can tell you the answer is false.
- ROB: Oh.
- AISLING: Yes! My strange habit is I always smoke after sex, but I'm not that worried about it.
Three cigarettes a year isn't going to hurt me.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that round, it's one point for Rob's team, and four points for Aisling's team.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
What do you think, Michelle? Cos you've got quite a distinctive voice.
Oh, I mean, yeah.
This is the sexiest.
LAUGHTER Who doesn't want to wake up next to this? Come on! I mean, this, with the hair in the morning, it's like a shrill lion.
LAUGHTER Good morning! Hey! Where'd that boner go? Come on! Get it our! Get it our! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What's your favourite accent? What do you like? I'm from Nottingham.
My accent's like, right in the middle.
There's, like, not much to it.
But I don't know Italian? I don't know.
Actually, now you say that, I do get a boner when a Dolmio advert's on.
LAUGHTER I find the South African accent quite intimidating.
Especially when I go for a piss in the middle of the night.
LAUGHTER - It's the only accent I can do.
- Is it? SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Yes.
South African.
I can do that.
And sound aggressive.
- Yeah, it is, it's scary, isn't it? - Yes.
- SAM: It's like SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Would you like some ice cream? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yes, yes, I would.
I like the New York gay Latino, like, AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, "I can't believe this is happening right now! Oh, my God!" No? LAUGHTER I can just do that and Bill Cosby.
That's it.
MICHELLE: Do your Bill Cosby.
LAUGHTER Yeah, you never see a Bill Cosby impression any more, come on.
Let's treat ourselves.
LAUGHTER AMERICAN ACCENT: Theo, you cannot borrow the car! Ask your mother, Felicia, for some ice cream I don't know what I'm doing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, most attractive accent, so let's get some guessing, what do you think? - What about Spanish? - Spanish? Spanish up there? No.
I'm going to go for Irish.
- Would you go Irish? - Yeah.
- Oh, Denise! - I do, I love an Irish accent.
- Do you? - Yeah, it's a lovely, beautiful accent.
- Thank you.
I mean, I don't know, though, if that's true, cos most of my ex-boyfriends have said that their favourite accent is silence.
LAUGHTER Denise, you're absolutely right.
- Genuinely? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE Yes, the most attractive accent is Irish.
It doesn't matter if they're offering to sell you a horse, phoning in a coded warning, or telling you to scream if you want go faster, the Irish accent is irresistible.
LAUGHTER I daren't even look.
LAUGHTER I daren't.
Your granny will be ashamed of that joke, Jimmy Carr.
Never mind my granny, my mum LAUGHTER "Jimmy Carr!" IRISH ACCENT: "Jimmy Carr, you're a fucking disgrace.
" LAUGHTER BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Michelle and Jermaine have one point, Aisling, Denise, and Sam have five, they're the winners! APPLAUSE, CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
We're weak at de-knees, it's Denise van Outen.
Not just a funny face, it's Sam Simmons.
And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
And facing them tonight, he's football crazy, he's football mad, it's Jermaine Jenas.
She's the American dream, it's Michelle Wolf.
And their team captain, Rob Beckett.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Thanks very much, cheers.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 8% of people have seen their neighbours naked.
I know I have, it was so annoying.
I had to wait hours.
British workers lose 29 million days a year to hay fever.
Of course, hay fever doesn't affect all British workers, just those in certain fields.
And pigs can run at a speed of 11 miles per hour.
Unfortunately for pigs, what can run at 12 miles per hour is David Cameron.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight it's the panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most talked about Brits of the last year.
Rob.
Jeremy Corbyn.
He's got to be up there.
He keeps getting re-voted in, doesn't he? I just don't think I'd trust him with a barbecue.
He's always been a little bit, kind of, I don't know - He seems a bit nerdy - Shit! - What is he in charge of? - Nothing, literally fuck all.
No, he's the, what's happened is, he's the leader of the opposition party, the Labour Party, and all the MPs, all the people in the party with him, tried to get rid of him.
But the voters went, "No, no, we like him.
" - So they've got a leader that they all hate.
- Oh, a leader you hate? Yeah.
It's ridiculous with this Labour leadership thing, because to vote on it, you've got to pay 25 quid.
People don't even vote in the general election and it's free.
Who's gonna pay 25 quid to elect the person that's going to lose to the Tories? Same people that voted for Honey G.
He is nice, though, he came backstage to a gig once, - I'm in the same borough as him in London.
- Did he come to a gig? He came to a comedy gig, and everyone was able to rip the piss out of him and he took it on the chin, and, like, high-fived everyone.
You've met him, you like him, how would you improve his image? See, I like that he sticks to his guns.
Yeah, like maybe a shave and a wash.
But But then that's a real lefty.
You want your lefty to be socialist-looking with - a peaked cap, you don't want them to look like the Tories.
- Absolutely.
You want them to look like the opposition.
- You want them at some stage to get into government, don't you? - Yeah But then would that kind of ruin their vibe? Take a look at him back in his younger years, take a look at this.
It's not a fashion parade, it's not a gentleman's club, it's not a bankers' institute, it's a place where the people are represented.
- Is that the jumper that your mum made? - Yes, it is.
She didn't make the shirt as well? No, no, she didn't make the shirt, that came from the Co-op.
But the jumper she knitted, it's very comfortable and it's perfect for this kind of weather because I'm hopping in and out of buildings all day long, going to meetings in different places and it's just perfect for the winter weather.
APPLAUSE I mean He's got that really sort of musty look about him, hasn't he? He looks like an expert in a disaster film no-one believes until it's too late.
"He was right! No!" He kind of reminds me of your version of Bernie Saunders, you know? - Yes.
- But both of them remind me of someone that only eats soup.
You know, he's like, "Where's my soup?" People want him to be this, like, crazy guy, but he's never going to be posting pictures on Instagram of him eating salad and having a laugh.
Or a cock shot.
You know he has to have a big hairy mess down there, right? Maybe that's why he's so musty.
He is quite the ladies' man.
I mean, it's sort of a strange thing, take a look at these girls.
# Cos baby there ain't no mountain high enough # Ain't no valley low enough HE JOINS IN: # Ain't no river wide enough To keep me away from you, babe.
CHEERING APPLAUSE I like him.
Bless him.
That was like the most depressing bachelorette party with the lousiest stripper.
No, he took his jumper off.
Sam, what do you make of Jeremy Corbyn? I like him, it's like a dodgy geography teacher look.
This is you saying this.
Sam, I'm just saying, the look you're rocking is a PE teacher.
- What says sport about that? - It says '70s sport.
- You talking sex sport? What are you talking about here? - School sport.
- Not dodgy, kind of like - No, no dodgy things.
I don't see you in that way.
- No.
I think I know where you're going with it and I would like to finally just get this out in the open, I would like to see a moustache to paedophile ratio.
It's where we're going, I know it's where we're going, it's definitely where we're going, I know you're getting to that eventually.
Like, he's got a dodgy look, like he's hanging around toilet blocks or something.
I don't think Jimmy was alluding that you look like a paedophile, I think it's that you look like all the people on Guess Who.
Can you get rid of the hat for one second? I don't want to take the hat off! Sorry, can I just Can I just flick you forward, please? Does it make you a little upset that the top of your head gave up and the front of your face kept going? You don't have to take you don't have to stand for that.
- You're a beautiful man.
- It's slightly migrating down my back and it's a look I'm My wife seems to love it.
So, yeah.
(He hasn't got a wife.
) Shall we have a look and see if Jeremy Corbyn is one of the most talked about people of 2016? Number three.
Yes, it's Jeremy Corbyn.
In June, a motion of no confidence against Jeremy Corbyn was passed but Corbyn wasn't worried.
At his age, you get used to unwanted motions being passed all the time.
Aisling's team, who else did the nation talk about in 2016? - Could it be the first British man in space, Tim - Tim Peake.
I hate to say this but he's not the most charismatic man in the world.
I mean, he's not even the most charismatic man in space.
Like, it's not Like, I wonder how he got up there.
I'd say his wife was like, "Tim, we need some space.
" "The shed?" "Nooooo.
"Further than the shed.
" He ran the marathon in space, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, I know, but it's a bit try-hard.
- He did what? - OK, so, Tim Peake, he's a British man and he went into space for six months.
- That's it.
- We have monkeys that do that on the regs, you know? But can a monkey fix the toilet? No, Tim Peake can.
- You don't know that.
A monkey could fix a toilet.
- He went up there To fix the toilet? To fix the toilet, he had a bacon sandwich, and then he flew back down, and then when he landed he had a bacon sandwich as well.
I don't know if he's an astronaut or plumber.
The first thing I'd do, bag of Maltesers, bosh.
Floating.
APPLAUSE Straight off the bat.
He rang home, he managed to ring home from space.
- I can't get reception in my kitchen.
- You're surprised he got signal? He's literally next to a satellite.
- Next to it.
- I don't - He could plug it into the satellite.
I know that all of our phones go up to a satellite and go back out but I don't like thinking about it because it hurts my head.
He phoned his parents, didn't he? And they were out so he left a message.
Imagine missing that call.
- They weren't out, - they were screening that call.
"Who's it from, is it Tim? "Oh, another science experiment he's done, leave it, love.
" Jermaine, would you go to space? No, I don't think it's for me, to be honest with you.
Fine, I'll put the tickets back.
I thought we could go together, I thought we were getting on great.
Certain things are just, like, I don't like going in the sea and stuff like that.
Anything I'm not 100% sure of what's going on there.
So you don't go in the sea? I'll have a dip around the shallow part but I don't go into the deep.
- Why is that? - Might get eaten by sommat.
I can tell you, Tim Peake is not one of the most talked about Brits.
While staying at the International Space Station, Tim Peake received cargo deliveries.
The only problem was, if he wasn't in, he had to go to the moon between 12 and 4 on Wednesdays to collect them.
Fingers on buzzers, two more to get.
BUZZER Go on, Sam.
Nile, Nigel Fair, Fara Nigel Far - BUZZER - Nigel Farage.
I've known people that had a problem with his surname, but Nigel normally they nail.
Normally Nigel, it's plain sailing.
- BUZZER - Nigel Fara-je.
What do you make of Nigel Farage? Not much, I don't know much about him.
He's just like, wasn't he, like, he traded stock, and sold metal? He doesn't like Dolmio sauces? I've got no idea, he's got a problem with Italians? I don't know what the problem is.
He's kind of like Britain's weird little pet that everyone sort of enjoyed and then one night someone fed him after midnight and he went "Blaaaargh!" "Oh, what have we unleashed?" There is something slightly ingenious about Nigel Farage, because he has managed to replace himself with himself three times.
I mean, he quits, he leaves the room, does a U-turn, comes back in and goes, "Guys, I've got a new leader for you.
"What's got two thumbs and hateful views? This guy!" He's a buffoon, isn't he? Simple as that.
The thing that's scary about him is, he's got everything he wanted, hasn't he? I mean, we're out of Europe and Donald Trump's president.
And the funniest thing is, he gets paid in euros so he's doubled his money.
People support Nigel Farage, a lot of people like him.
This lady really likes him, take a look at this tattoo.
Nigel Farage on her arm.
Here's that woman meeting her hero.
It is, what on earth possessed you to do this to yourself? HE LAUGHS I mean, this is astonishing.
Well, it's certainly I can't believe it.
- I'm very flattered.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
We'll We've got, um We've got, um Upstairs on the fourth floor is the Lazarus suite, which is my sort of room.
So away from all the press, if you want to come up in about half an hour and say hello, the Lazarus suite on the fourth floor, come and see us.
CHEERING I mean I mean, let's Let's no-one be a player hater here.
But did that man just give her his hotel room details? What's worrying about that lady is, she looks like me when I was in sixth form.
The tattoo thing's interesting, your tattoos stop dead there.
- Does your mum know you've got tattoos? - Yeah, she does.
- Are you 100% sure? - I wasn't hiding them from my mum.
I was hiding them from On TV when I'm doing certain shows, they can be hidden.
But not this, this show not good enough to bother hiding them? - I can get them all out on here.
- That's an owl! - What's he got? - Who's that? - Owl! - Got an owl.
- Who's that? - Who's this? Oooo! Do you worry about when you get fat arms when you're older, and you're like, can't be asked any more, and then your arms get fat, the owl will be like Denise, are you a fan of Farage, what do you make of him? I think he's quite entertaining, to be honest.
It would be a dull world without him.
It's fair enough, he's kind of shaken things up certainly, came out of nowhere and got his way and off.
He's a twat.
Sam, I don't know what you think of Nigel Farage, but I think you'll like him more if you look at this.
- Oh! That's him with a 'tache.
- Yeah, I like him.
He's very rah, rah, rah, regatta, isn't he? He's a little bit, "Haw, haw, haw, Mulligatawny.
"Rah, rah, rah, cucumbers.
" It seems on a weekend he's very much like a pastel shirt with the collar up, you know that kind of popped collar pastel shirt? A jumper worn over the shoulder.
Little posh fucker.
Yeah, that kind of - Sorry, was that directed at me, or? - No, no.
That's your thing.
- But with those little pastel - That's your thing! That's your thing, that's the thing I'm rocking, it's OK.
If you see those little pastel shirt fuckers with their collars popped up, here's a handy hint, if you point them north, into the sun, you can use their collar like a sundial on their shoulder and you can tell it's the time for them to fuck off.
Right, let's see if Nigel Farage is up there.
- Yeah.
- Yes, it's Nigel Farage.
Some people think Nigel Farage hates Remainers, but that's not true.
You're thinking of Romanians.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most talked-about Brits of 2016.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - Rob, what do you think? - The Queen.
- The Queen.
- She was 90, weren't she? - She was 90, yes.
Well, you're going to be if you have two birthdays a year, don't you? LAUGHTER Do you reckon? Who gives her, sorts her money out? Because when your nan gets to about 90, you sort of One of the kids takes over, don't they? And gives them like a few hundred quid a week or whatever and pays all the insurance.
- Do you reckon she's? - Er How much could she spend before someone had a word? LAUGHTER That must be really hard, knowing you'll never get to have a retirement party.
It's not like the country's going to have a whip-round for a voucher for Debenhams for her when she finally finishes.
Should she not retire and give Charles a go? I mean, he'd so love a go.
- He'd so love a go.
- How's the crown going to work with his ears? LAUGHTER Well, it's not going to slip off, is it? - He's been bred for that.
- It's going to push them out even more! Maybe that's why she's not given it up.
LAUGHTER I would love to see the Queen around the house.
I know a really good fact about the Queen, what she does, this is her dessert every night, she warms up a Snickers in the microwave for about 30 seconds and eats it with a knife and fork - and that's a true fact.
I've spent a fair amount of time drinking in parks.
How do you know that? LAUGHTER Actually, I heard it from a guy at Betfred.
LAUGHTER I'm pretty sure it's true.
What do you make of the Queen? Do you like her? - I love the Queen.
- Have you met her? - I have met the Queen, yeah.
I've met the Queen, Charles, Harry, haven't met William.
Who's Queen Charles? LAUGHTER He sounds like a laugh! - Harry's really good fun.
- Oh, is he? Really? - He's a real party animal.
I've partied with him, he's really cool I'm so annoyed he's started going out with a foreign brunette actress and I was like, "I was right here, Harry, the whole time!" - Where did you go? - I've been a couple of times, I've been a - What? - Oh, ow - LAUGHTER No, I just know it.
I just know the group of people that know him really well, so I've been out a couple of times.
- Did you go anywhere fun? - Yeah.
Does he gets drunk a lot? Does he drink beer? What's his drink? - Everything.
- LAUGHTER - No, he's really, he's a really good laugh.
- I had the Queen's drink.
I went to something It might sound like I'm always there I was in the palace and they said, they said, "Would you like a drink?" And I said, "I'll have what the Queen's having.
" And so they gave me a Dubonnet and gin, - which I would strongly recommend.
- What's Dubonnet? It's like a Campari or Martini, one of those of vermouthy drinks.
I had one and I had to be put to bed.
LAUGHTER I suppose, I mean, she has to go to one of these grand dinners every night and she goes, "Right, I'm meeting who?" "What? Yeah, one of those.
" LAUGHTER Do you know what I reckon she's bored of? The fucking Red Arrows.
LAUGHTER Any time that she does It goes up the house.
Vroom! - She must think it's in her flight path.
- Yeah! - Blue smoke.
- HE CHOKES Jermaine, have you met the Queen? - I've not met the Queen as yet - "As yet"? - I mean, this is confidence.
- But I met William and Harry a few times.
- Oh, wow.
- They used to come down and watch us all the time and, yeah, there was a couple of occasions.
Remember when Crouchy was doing the old robot before the World Cup and that? William was down at training doing the robot, which was quite entertaining, to be honest with you.
But you probably saw Harry doing it on a night out, I'm sure, Denise.
Yeah.
She's seen some incredible things and she's not saying nothing.
LAUGHTER Michelle, from an American perspective, what do you make of the Queen? You know what I've always thought of the Queen is she's constantly holding in a fart, probably.
LAUGHTER Yeah I've never seen her let one rip.
LAUGHTER That woman probably hasn't been able to freely fart her entire life.
DENISE: No, I reckon she gets it out in the morning, first thing.
On the bed, legs up Get in there.
You know, I imagine, I imagine she wakes up, "Philip, come here and pull my finger.
" LAUGHTER Sam, is the Queen beloved in Australia? Yeah, there's a thing we do back at home - Any Australians in the audience, by the way? On holiday? - Yeah.
OK, cool.
The five dollar note in Australia, if you fold it in a certain way You know what I'm talking about? When you fold the Queen's face, her neck looks like a cock going into a whale's mouth.
LAUGHTER - It is incredible.
Am I right? - Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER If there's two Australians in here, who's on the bar? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you the Queen is not one of the most talked-about Brits of 2016, but the Queen loves racing horses, although she's 90 now, so usually the horses win.
LAUGHTER Fingers on the buzzers, one more to get.
BUZZER Oh, it must be ye olde May.
Theresa May.
She got in because absolutely no-one else was around, basically.
LAUGHTER It was kind of like the award that goes to like the kid who's always at school for like best attendance.
You know, has got five crayons up its nose half the time.
"Well, he was here all the time!" LAUGHTER She's basically The new Prime Minister's been put in charge after Brexit, and that is a tough job.
It's like being made the captain of the Titanic after it hit an iceberg.
LAUGHTER Can you just replace your leaders? - Any time? - Yeah.
You want to hear more? Yeah.
Seems like an interesting idea.
I mean, before you replace them, basically one of them's got to do something terrible.
I have confidence in that, yeah.
LAUGHTER It would be quite nice to see that someone can elect a woman.
No, no, no, we did not elect her.
- Oh, no.
- How do people get in charge here?! LAUGHTER Listen, David Cameron, who weirdly we did elect, left.
He said, "Right, you fucking sort it out.
"If that's the way you want to be, I'm off.
" - And then everyone else scattered.
- Yeah.
Everyone else who we thought was going to be the leader just went, "I'll be over here if you need me.
" Basically the lights went out in the nightclub in Britain, she crept in, then the lights went back up, everyone had gone, and Britain found out it was actually kissing its granny.
Theresa May's been, obviously she's become Prime Minister and she's up against the hard questions, the tough, heart-aching stuff.
Take a look at this.
Final question, Prime Minister, it's a very important one.
You exploded a huge argument at the weekend in interview about scone-gate.
You revealed the recipe that your mother had given you to make scones and the debate was raging because you didn't seem to discriminate between the use of butter or margarine.
I need to know from you, cos I know you're a big fan of Bake Off, is it better to have butter? And if it is better to have butter, are we talking hard butter or soft butter? THERESA MAY LAUGHS Well, you have to rub it in with the flour, so And it's often easier actually if it's hard You can get a good rub in.
If it's too soft, then it starts to become a bit claggy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't know why she got so much backlash about a scone recipe.
Do you know what I mean? Like, Tony Blair illegally invaded Iraq.
And she's just knocked up a scone with marge - and everyone's kicking off.
- LAUGHTER Why is she even giving out scone recipes? Why are they even asking her? It's like Mary Berry tweeting her immigration policy, isn't it? LAUGHTER Theresa May hasn't impressed everyone as Prime Minister.
Take a look at this.
I've got something to say to you, Theresa May.
Yesterday night, I was out on the streets and I saw hundreds, millions of homeless people.
You should be out there, Theresa May.
You should be Biscuits, hot chocolate, sandwiches, building houses.
Look, I'm only five years old.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I'm saving up money and there'll never be enough.
You've got the pot of money.
Spend some and help people.
Cos we've had lots of wars in this country, and I do not like that, Theresa May.
I'm very angry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not entirely sure who that is, but what was she doing out with homeless people last night? LAUGHTER She's also been sucking on a blue crayon.
Did you see on the side of her mouth? If I was all pepped up on crayons, I'd get angry as well.
What else was it? She's had a bit of criticism, Theresa May, though.
She was called "the submarine" by Cameron - Goes down? - Well, no, she disappeared - LAUGHTER Sorry.
Yeah, you book an Australian, it's going to happen.
It is though, isn't it? It's cos she wasn't around when it was the EU referendum, she kept on disappearing.
But she's got an impossible position, right? Cos she wanted to remain and now she's in charge of a government that wants to leave, right? So it's like slagging your brother's missus off, right? When they break up and then they get back together.
And you've got to try and claw it back.
"Yeah, right.
She's not a dickhead, she's just feisty.
" LAUGHTER I suppose the thing that's been talked about a lot with Theresa May is a lot of people are obsessed by her shoes.
Yeah, see, I like the little kitten heels.
Look, the left Well, I love a bit of leopard.
I like them.
She's sort of sexy from the ankle down, isn't she? LAUGHTER Who's Theresa May, by the way? LAUGHTER OK, let's see if Theresa May's up there.
Most talked-about person.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Theresa May.
May has struck a blow for feminism by proving that a woman is just as capable as a man of fucking up Britain.
So those were the most talked about Brits of 2016, but others include Cheryl.
Cheryl is currently dating Liam Payne.
At 33, you could say Cheryl is old enough to be his mum, but she's from Newcastle, so she's actually old enough to be his nan.
LAUGHTER And Adele was the best-selling artist of 2016.
Her first three albums have been called 19, 21 and 25, but now she's moved to LA, so the next three albums are going to be called 29, Still 29 and None Of Your Fucking Business.
So, at the end of that round, Rob, Michelle and Jermaine have one point, Aisling, Denise and Sam have two points.
APPLAUSE Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Michelle, Jermaine, what do you like the look of? - Oh, is that you, Jermaine? - Yeah.
- In your QPR days? We'll go for Jermaine, seeing as we've got Jermaine here.
Yeah.
You look livid there.
Has something terrible happened there? - Being signed for QPR.
- LAUGHTER - That's my I've just scored face, actually.
- Right.
- God.
And who was she? LAUGHTER Well, here's the question, and it's difficult for a professional sportsman, but I mean, who gets involved in any type of sport just to take part? People that play for QPR? LAUGHTER Anyone who supports the team, it sounds like a home shopping network.
LAUGHTER "Today on QPR, watches.
" LAUGHTER What happens, then? When If you're playing for QPR, and let's say you get You've got a game against Arsenal, Man City, anyone that spent a billion dollars on their club, or whatever, a million pounds on their players and I don't know Million pound! Trevor Francis upfront! LAUGHTER - I don't know! - Tony Cottee's just been signed! So, when QPR are up against, I don't know, Man City or Chelsea, and you know you're going to lose, how do you go out there? Do you go, "Well, good luck"? You don't go into games knowing you're going to lose.
Oh, come on, you played for Tottenham.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You know when you get five bookings in the season, - you get suspended for a couple of games? - Mm.
Does it ever get to the 23rd of December and you think, "If I go in here, I can get Christmas off"? LAUGHTER I'll be honest, like, me personally, obviously, squeaky-clean over here, never done anything like that.
But I know players that have lined a few up on the 23rd of December, saying, "You're getting it today, mate.
" Bosh, that's it.
Suspended.
- Oh, devastated.
- Have you? - Did you ever get many red cards in your? - One.
One red card in your whole career? I mean, that's seems incredibly good.
Almost feels like you weren't trying hard enough.
LAUGHTER What did you have to do to get a red card? It's a safety word thing, isn't it? It's like if things get too sexy on the field, it's like It's a red card there, like it goes straight up and you're like, "Hey, no more of that.
That's in the showers.
" Genuinely, what did you get the red card for? It was a bad tackle.
That was it, basically.
- What's wrong with your tackle? - LAUGHTER He has got a tattoo of an owl on it.
LAUGHTER The head just follows you around.
Denise, are you, Are you competitive? I am I competitive? I used to be competitive, but not any more.
What did you used to sort of be competitive about? When I was a kid I did dance competitions, - and I really wanted to win.
- Yeah.
What was your dance? Would you ever do Strictly? - I've done Strictly.
- Oh, sorry.
LAUGHTER - What's Strictly? - Strictly - It's like Dancing With Stars.
- But it's popular here, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ROB: Is Dancing With Stars not popular? Not even Stars, it's like dancing with a guy that was on a show, that you don't remember his name Oh, not here.
Here it's all, it's solid.
LAUGHTER Here it's like, it's all, it's just gold, gold, gold.
When you were a kid, what did you do? Did you do a bit of hip-hop, or what kind of dancing did you do as a kid? - No, I did like ballet, tap - Tap? - I used to tap.
Did you? I used to tap as well.
- Oh, yeah, I think it's in the film, it's in Annie.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I thought it was Marge's sisters from The Simpsons.
LAUGHTER Oh, no, you didn't! I mean it depends on what it is, doesn't it? Because if it's fighting to the death, it's like, yes.
But if it's like having sex, that's not something you want to be like "Yeah, I win!" - Oh, I do.
I want to win.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I think whenever I have sex, I always come first.
- That doesn't surprise me.
- 100%.
Well, if you're paying for it, I mean, obviously want to get your money's worth.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So most people think winning's more important than taking part.
What are you going to go for? What do you think? True or false? - I think winning.
- Winning.
- Way more important than taking part.
I'll say true.
We think people want to win more than take part.
- OK, what do you think? - I don't know.
- I think people would say they'd want to take part - rather than win.
- Yeah, I think people would want to appear like they're good people.
- But they're lying.
- Yeah.
I would say false.
- You say false.
OK, I can tell you the answer isfalse.
- Yeah.
Only 38% of people think winning is more important than taking part.
APPLAUSE We're winning! We won! We won that answer! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Aisling, Denise, Sam, what do you like the look of? - I mean - That guy.
- That's what you like the look? Do you know what? I'm going to go with old Sammy here.
Yeah, this man who's picking his nose.
OK, most people have a strange habit they're embarrassed about.
True or false? Have you got any strange habits, Sam? Yeah.
LAUGHTER What's the strangest thing you do? I've got a thing I do with a dear mate back in Australia where we walk into urinals and .
.
we LAUGHTER We wee like we're little boys.
LAUGHTER - So what we do, we I can show you, we - No, not on me.
LAUGHTER - Definitely do, yeah.
Show us.
- This is what we do.
We'll go straight to the urinal together, and then we'll pull our pants I'll have to get the mic out, hang on.
We pull our pants all the way down, like little boys.
Like And we LAUGHTER We wee like little boys.
Is that what little boys do? Yeah, when little boys go to the urinal, they pull your pants all the way down.
Your mike pack looks like you've had a shit! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No, no, don't pull it back up.
It ruins the illusion.
Someone's going to have to use that again! LAUGHTER There's going to be a sound man in HR in the morning.
LAUGHTER Michelle, do you have any strange habits? I do.
I pee like a little boy.
LAUGHTER I I pluck my nipple hairs.
LAUGHTER I keep on telling you, let them grow! LAUGHTER You pluck your nipple hairs - like, just nervously, when you're in a meeting? - Yeah! LAUGHTER When I can't think of a joke, you know, I need a punchline, I just go, "Oh, OK.
" DENISE: Are they long and curly? - No, no.
You have nipple hair, right? - No.
- LAUGHTER - A little nipple hair? - AISLING: You've never had one? - No, I've hardly got any, look.
- I've quite hairless.
- You really don't! - ROB: I don't think blonde people are very hairy.
I'm not.
- No, we're not.
I'm not hairy.
I don't think I've got nipple hair, to be honest with you.
I haven't even got pubes, yet.
LAUGHTER Denise, any strange habits? Well, not really anything that I'm embarrassed about.
What do you do that you think other people would perceive? Well, someone picked up on it the other day, cos I play golf.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
So before I take a shot, which I wasn't aware of, I always do, like, three strokes LAUGHTER .
.
of the golf club.
I do, like, one, two, three, and then I hit the ball.
And I had no idea was doing it.
- You have to concentrate, just to kind of - Yeah.
Someone filmed me and I watched back, and I was like, "Oh, yeah, I do" But I was completely unaware that I do it.
That is your worst habit?! LAUGHTER I've got so many I I cup my farts and smell them.
LAUGHTER I hold hands with strangers in the street.
I will walk up behind people, as they're walking along, and just grab their hand.
I go, "Oh, I'm sorry about that!" LAUGHTER I make the eye of my penis sing.
LAUGHTER Oh, PLEASE show us that one! I can't do it, but I do, like, if there's a Do you know what I'm talking about? You do! LAUGHTER There's nothing wrong with me, I just, like, sing to my wife with it.
Like, # Hello! # LAUGHTER OK, so most people have a strange habit they're embarrassed about.
What do you think? True or false? I girn when I'm excited.
When I get excited, I go LAUGHTER - Cos I can't contain the energy.
- Do that again? Like that.
LAUGHTER But, it's So, basically, it's so much energy, I'm so When I was a kid, I used to go HE PANTS LAUGHTER But now I've calmed it down, just to LAUGHTER - True, we think.
- You think true.
OK.
LAUGHTER - What are you going with, Aisling? - False.
- I think false.
- Denise says false.
- OK, you're going to go false.
I can tell you the answer is false.
- ROB: Oh.
- AISLING: Yes! My strange habit is I always smoke after sex, but I'm not that worried about it.
Three cigarettes a year isn't going to hurt me.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that round, it's one point for Rob's team, and four points for Aisling's team.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
What do you think, Michelle? Cos you've got quite a distinctive voice.
Oh, I mean, yeah.
This is the sexiest.
LAUGHTER Who doesn't want to wake up next to this? Come on! I mean, this, with the hair in the morning, it's like a shrill lion.
LAUGHTER Good morning! Hey! Where'd that boner go? Come on! Get it our! Get it our! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What's your favourite accent? What do you like? I'm from Nottingham.
My accent's like, right in the middle.
There's, like, not much to it.
But I don't know Italian? I don't know.
Actually, now you say that, I do get a boner when a Dolmio advert's on.
LAUGHTER I find the South African accent quite intimidating.
Especially when I go for a piss in the middle of the night.
LAUGHTER - It's the only accent I can do.
- Is it? SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Yes.
South African.
I can do that.
And sound aggressive.
- Yeah, it is, it's scary, isn't it? - Yes.
- SAM: It's like SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Would you like some ice cream? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yes, yes, I would.
I like the New York gay Latino, like, AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, "I can't believe this is happening right now! Oh, my God!" No? LAUGHTER I can just do that and Bill Cosby.
That's it.
MICHELLE: Do your Bill Cosby.
LAUGHTER Yeah, you never see a Bill Cosby impression any more, come on.
Let's treat ourselves.
LAUGHTER AMERICAN ACCENT: Theo, you cannot borrow the car! Ask your mother, Felicia, for some ice cream I don't know what I'm doing.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, most attractive accent, so let's get some guessing, what do you think? - What about Spanish? - Spanish? Spanish up there? No.
I'm going to go for Irish.
- Would you go Irish? - Yeah.
- Oh, Denise! - I do, I love an Irish accent.
- Do you? - Yeah, it's a lovely, beautiful accent.
- Thank you.
I mean, I don't know, though, if that's true, cos most of my ex-boyfriends have said that their favourite accent is silence.
LAUGHTER Denise, you're absolutely right.
- Genuinely? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE Yes, the most attractive accent is Irish.
It doesn't matter if they're offering to sell you a horse, phoning in a coded warning, or telling you to scream if you want go faster, the Irish accent is irresistible.
LAUGHTER I daren't even look.
LAUGHTER I daren't.
Your granny will be ashamed of that joke, Jimmy Carr.
Never mind my granny, my mum LAUGHTER "Jimmy Carr!" IRISH ACCENT: "Jimmy Carr, you're a fucking disgrace.
" LAUGHTER BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Michelle and Jermaine have one point, Aisling, Denise, and Sam have five, they're the winners! APPLAUSE, CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!