8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e08 Episode Script
New Year Special
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, wild at heart, it's Kate Humble.
'Rabbit Lycett's hot, it's Joe Lycett.
'And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
'And facing them tonight, taking the rick, it's Rick Edwards.
'He's a stand-up guy, it's Jamali Maddix.
'And their team captain, Rob Becket.
'Now, welcome your host, Jimmmmmmmmy Carr!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats New Year Special, a show all about opinion poll surveys and the last year.
Did you know, for example, 15% of Britain's native species are at risk of extinction.
I love seeing our wonderful animals, foxes, badgers and hedgehogs in their natural habitat, jumping up and down on a trampoline in someone's back garden.
LAUGHTER 77% of men get down on one knee when they propose.
It's a meaningless tradition, but some people still like marriage.
LAUGHTER And 85% of women wash their hands after going to the toilet.
Why are you washing your hands, ladies? Surely what you should be washing is your bum and your fanny! LAUGHTER And the punchline to that joke is your bum and your fanny.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points of the last year.
Aisling, what do you think people have been talking about over the last year? Do you even want to say the word? No, I just want to hear Jimmy say bum and fanny again.
LAUGHTER Your bum and your fanny.
It's sinister, though, the way you say it.
IMITATES: Your bum and your fanny.
LAUGHTER You're saying I'M sinister? - You're wearing a necklace featuring a unicorn fucking a panda.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER It's a good It's a good necklace, isn't it? I'm mixed race and even I think that's unnatural.
LAUGHTER - Is it offensive? - Is it offensive to the animal community? Kate, you would know.
I think, you know, at least the panda has picked something - that's persistently horny.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I mean, Kate, you're an expert on animals.
The unicorn is endangered, right? LAUGHTER So is this the most talked-about subject of the year? The unicorn is endangered.
LAUGHTER I'm going to bring a bit of decorum to proceedings and I think what most British people have been talking about this year, excuse me, is Brexit! Yay! I don't know.
I mean, Brexit happened this year.
The United Kingdom decided to leave.
I think the genius was the Leave campaign, which decided not to use things like, I don't know, facts or whatever.
And instead, it appealed to people's emotions, and I use the word "appeal" because it was mostly about bananas.
What they did was, and this is the genius, they were, like, "Guys, they're trying to control our bananas.
" And people were, like, "No way! Not that staple of the British diet! "The humble British banana! Not on my watch!" OK.
Here's how two Ukip activists campaigned to get Britain out of Europe.
APPLAUSE To be fair, their early stuff was good.
LAUGHTER Gone off a bit recently.
What are they wearing on their feet? What are they, shoes? What is that? They are also Roman soldiers.
LAUGHTER That video right there makes me not mind getting sent back to Africa.
LAUGHTER .
.
this world.
I'm cool with leaving now, after seeing that.
The white people have spoken.
I am leaving now.
I'm going.
Rick, what do you make of the campaign? Yeah, I must say, I enjoyed it.
LAUGHTER Sure, you enjoyed it, yeah.
I was interested when we started talking about the type of Brexit.
And you started to hear chat about hard Brexit Whoa! LAUGHTER I like the idea, if we'd voted to stay, of everyone kind of going, "Now it's going to be hard remain.
" We said we'd take the euro, we'll have millions more immigrants, Jean-Claude Juncker is, like, Prime Minister, people would have loved the hard remain.
Hard remain, quite something.
I think, it's happening, right, I don't care if it's hard or soft.
All I want out of it is proper old-school duty-free.
LAUGHTER - Old You know what I'm talking about.
- I hadn't even thought that.
- It's really cheered me up.
- 200 fags, four quid.
LAUGHTER I think if you try and think of positives, but then there's loads of negatives.
Stuff like, cheese boards are going to be shit.
LAUGHTER And then Pizza Hut's going to go back to Rome.
LAUGHTER I get annoyed with the phrase, "Brexit means Brexit.
" Because that's not how you define words.
LAUGHTER I mean, the problem is, though, that's the problem.
Nobody knows what it means.
Going in, the politicians didn't know what it meant.
Everyone was just winging it.
Like, in no other job would that be OK.
"Oh, hey, Doctor, do you understand "the complicated process of heart surgery?" "Nah, I'm just going to go in, cut him open and play it by ear.
"Medicine means medicine.
" LAUGHTER I suppose the only good thing about Brexit was the fact that David Cameron resigned.
Take a look at David Cameron resigning.
And you've got to watch till the end here, because I think he's quite cheerful about going, "Yep, you deal with the problem.
" I expect to go to the Palace and offer my resignation, so we'll have a new Prime Minster in that building behind me by Wednesday evening.
Thank you very much.
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
The one thing that I didn't like about Brexit is how Nigel Farage has now been justified.
Nigel Farage is the only guy, his plane crashed, and he had a near-death experience and came back more of a fucking dick.
LAUGHTER He is the only dude I've known who nearly died and still came back and he was like, to that, "Who saved my life? "The NHS and the doctors.
"Oh, remind me to dismantle that later.
" APPLAUSE It's weird because there's something about you that makes me think, "Eeh, did he vote Ukip? I'm not sure.
" Is it because I wear glasses? LAUGHTER - What did you make of it all, Kate? - It was depressing.
Although, I have to say, as somebody who lives in Wales, which almost universally voted to leave, our tiny little corner of it did vote to stay.
- Wales got so much from the EU, didn't they? - I know.
But like Cornwall, Cornwall voted out and then they were like, "Oh, what? We don't get to keep our 600 million EU funding?" You're like, "No.
" Like in a divorce, you can't be like, "Janice, where's my packed lunch?" "We're divorced now, Dave, I don't make your packed lunches any more.
" Whoa! This is awful! I love the names Janice and Dave.
They sound like a lovely couple, don't they? Well, they were until they got divorced.
Apparently, we need a £122 billion loan.
- Where do you get a loan that big? - Wonga? - I'm not sure.
But maybe if you paid your tax we'd have half! LAUGHTER Yeah.
Shall we have a look and see whether Brexit's up there? Yes, Britain voted for Brexit.
Brexit will have a lot of repercussions if all the Eastern European workers go home.
Just imagine the mountain of ironing, the backlog of DIY jobs, and Keith Vaz might have to fuck his wife for a change.
LAUGHTER Remember that lovely story? Keith Vaz? Couple of rent boys? Yeah, I can say that cos he definitely did it.
LAUGHTER All right, Keith? Morally repugnant, am I? LAUGHTER Have a fucking word, mate, have a word.
Did he say that you were morally repugnant? Everyone said I was morally repugnant.
Because I was.
They were just stating the obvious.
What else have people been talking about in the last year, Rob's team? Is it Kim Kardashian's robbery? That was quite a big news story, wasn't it? Huge news, yeah.
I mean, an armed robbery, I believe.
Yeah, and it was ridiculous, her ring was 3.
5 million.
Yeah, but she tweeted that she had it.
I mean, you know I've tweeted I've got a kid.
I don't want someone nicking it.
LAUGHTER - So Kim Kardashian tweeted this picture.
- I can't see anything other.
- LAUGHTER - I'm sorry.
Genuinely took me a while to see the ring there.
OK, so she's got a ring worth 3.
5 million or whatever it's worth, a lot of money.
And people kind of blamed her for being robbed.
I think she was foolish.
I think it doesn't happen in a Travelodge, does it? I tell you what, I bet Halifax are fuming they chucked in travel insurance with her Advance account.
LAUGHTER 3.
5 million is too much to spend on one thing.
If I had to spend 3.
5 million on one thing, I'd buy Peter Crouch.
LAUGHTER Imagine having Peter Crouch? It would be quality.
He can just do light bulbs.
LAUGHTER I can picture it now, me missus, "Oh, you've not gone and bought Peter Crouch, have you? "He barely played with Emile Heskey!" This isn't the first time Kim's been upset about losing jewellery.
Have a look at this.
I don't know, jump in! SHE SCREAMS SHE LAUGHS Now I'm going to have to - My earring's gone! - Are you serious? - BLEEP.
- Oh, my God, I'm going to cry, my diamond earring.
- Hold on.
- Are you serious? - That's $75,000.
- Come on, we'll find it, baby.
We're not going to find it in the ocean! APPLAUSE I can't keep up with that show.
My issue with that is her reaction at losing an earring would be my reaction if I'd seen a shark.
What was it like when her boyfriend jumped in and stuck his face in like he was going to see the whole sea.
LAUGHTER It's all right, babe, I've got you! It's the sea! Like, you ain't looking in It's gone! Plus, it's like, you've still got one which is worth half of 75,000 which I don't know the mathematics of right now.
LAUGHTER 37,500.
- Yeah? - THEY GASP All right, it's not Countdown! LAUGHTER I feel a bit bad for her.
She does get kind of hassled the whole time.
Take a look at this footage just days before the robbery in France.
And one of Kim Kardashian's fans got a little bit too close.
- Kim! Kim! - Kim, Kim! - Oh, my God! - I mean, that's Why does that person not grab him by the neck and go, "You stupid piece of shit, "you never stick your face up a woman-you-don't-know's arse!" He probably does, actually, he looks like he's about to.
Maybe he thought it was a subway to cross the road.
LAUGHTER I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel.
LAUGHTER I can tell you that Kim Kardashian being robbed is not one of the most talked-about stories of the last year.
Those Kardashians have had no luck, they're still reeling from the time Bruce Jenner had his family jewels snatched.
LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers, what else were people talking about this year? BUZZER - Go on, what have you got? - It's got to be the old Donald Trump.
The President of America, or President-elect.
I feel sorry for Donalds.
Just Donalds in the world.
LAUGHTER Just a normal man called Donald now, it's going to be the new Adolf.
LAUGHTER I like that you think that it was the Adolfs in the 1930s that really had it hard.
LAUGHTER So Clinton versus Trump.
It was quite depressing.
Did you stay up and watch it? Did you stay up and watch the election? Who stayed up and watched? I don't even stay up for WrestleMania any more.
- Oh, Trump wasn't wrestling? - He wasn't wrestling, Trump.
Trump wasn't wrestling? Trump was in WWE, bruv, how can your President have been body-slammed? How can your President have been stone-cold stunned? He's done a lot of very, very weird things.
This is a clip of Donald Trump with former New York mayor, Rudy Giuliani.
He's a close friend and supporter of Trump's.
Take a look at this extraordinary clip from the year 2000.
You know, you're really beautiful.
A woman that looks like that has to have her own special scent.
Oh, thank you, maybe you could tell me what you think of this scent? Mmm.
I like that.
This may be the best of all.
Oh, you dirty boy, you.
Oh! Oh! Donald, I thought you were a gentleman.
Hm! You can't say I didn't try.
LAUGHTER He's now, he's now got his finger on the button, the guy in the what I can only assume was an early Little Britain sketch.
What I found more offensive was his haircut, he had that mullet game going on there.
That was disgusting, man.
From that point on, I lost more respect for him for all of that war stuff, all of that, the fact that he had a mullet right there, I have no respect for him no more.
LAUGHTER I mean, it's the first time anyone's said his hair's got better.
LAUGHTER He's just not qualified for the job, is he? It's the most important job in the world and he's not qualified for it.
But he must be so stressed about it.
Like, when I worked in an office, I'd panic if they made me change the toner on the photocopier.
He's got to go and do world things.
LAUGHTER He's not the least qualified person for the job, Rob.
That's clearly you.
He's got to do world things now.
You can sort of imagine him saying that, though.
You can imagine him saying I've got to do world things.
He's tee-total.
Imagine his policies after a couple of Carlings.
LAUGHTER - He doesn't drink? - No.
- What?! Imagine what he would do after a tequila.
Oh, he's not going to drink that.
After LAUGHTER What do you make of him? If I'm honest, he's obviously terrifying, but it's the little one that really worries me.
The little son, Baron Trump.
He is standing next to him and you can see that he's plotting and I am going to put money on him being the Supreme Leader of the World by So you think the world's still going to be here in 2030? You're more optimistic than I am.
Well, some people were thrilled that Donald Trump was coming to power.
Take a look at how excited this nine-year-old girl is.
- Guess what we're going to do Monday? - What? We're going to see Donald Trump in person, in New Hampshire.
- Are you serious?! - Yeah.
- Oh, my word! - Are you excited? - Yes! We're going to see him in person.
Not just on TV.
- CRIES: Thank you, Mom.
- Aw.
SHE CRIES - Are you excited? - Yes! - Do you want to meet him? - Tell Mr Trump you want to meet him.
- I love you, Trump! APPLAUSE Have you ever mixed up Donald Trump and Frozen On Ice? I think she has.
LAUGHTER Do you know what? Do you know what really depresses me, is that following @POTUS, which is the word for President of the United States, on Twitter, it's so lovely and life affirming because Obama has been running the Twitter.
So now Donald Trump is going to take over the Twitter account.
Can you imagine, like, the tweets are going to go from, "Just had a really positive meeting with Iran," to "I think Miss Southern California is a whore, "#whore, #womenarewhores.
" It's just Then Melania Trump is going to be taking over Michelle Obama's one.
But then, she'll just copy and paste all her old tweets.
It's Melania who I worry about.
Because she, she must be looking at the Oval Office going, "Another room that I've got to pretend to come in.
" LAUGHTER Well, partly the kind of annoying thing about it was Hillary Clinton didn't get elected, so we nearly had the first female President.
That would have been How annoying was it that she did actually get more votes than him? I mean, what sort of democracy is that? You know I'm not in charge.
- Well, you should be.
- No, a woman should be in charge.
Yeah, and they would only have had to pay her 78% of the cost of Donald Trump.
That would have been brilliant.
It would have been more value.
APPLAUSE I've got a picture, I think this is Hillary Clinton, I'm pretty sure.
- Oh, there she is.
- It could be Joe Lycett and David Walliams at a Halloween party.
Oh, thank God for that, I thought it was me at a work do.
LAUGHTER Got a bit close to the women from I did get well pissed at a Marks & Spencer leaving do and got a bit fruity with a woman from Per Una.
LAUGHTER Jamali, are you a big fan of Trump? Do you like him? No, I was in America recently cos I was doing, I was filming a show and I was supposed to go to a swastika lighting with these national socialists Hang on, you've got to slow this right down.
What were you thinking? It was one of my great ideas where I said, "I want to go around the world "and talk to racist people," and they let me do it.
So I went out there, so the Nazi guy who was the leader of the Nazi party said, "Come to a swastika lighting in Georgia.
" And they didn't tell me that it was in a KKK bar.
So you thought, "KKK bar, "I thought this was just going to be a nice lighting of a swastika.
" So I get there and I wasn't allowed in, surprise.
And it had all these Trump posters everywhere.
And then the owner, like, came out and was like, "What the? "Why is there a black dude across the street with binoculars" Right? He comes over and he goes, "Why are you across the street?" And I started grassing everyone up.
I was, like, "I've come here "and they said I can't come inside and I've got film cameras," so he went back inside and I saw him shouting at all the Nazis and he was like, "Listen, this is my Klan bar.
"Everyone's welcomed.
Right?" And they let me in.
The moral of the story is, KKK, not all bad.
LAUGHTER KKK, not all bad.
Pretty much.
OK, well, let's have a look and see if Donald Trump is up there.
Yes, the US Election, the most talked-about thing.
Donald Trump says he'll replace Obama's health care system so Obamacare will now become Donald Doesn't Care.
LAUGHTER It was such a ridiculous year, though, wasn't it? You look at, like, Trump, Brexit, Leicester, I'm going to put a fiver on Stephen Hawking to win The Jump.
LAUGHTER That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the most talked about stories of the last year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Rob? - Pokemon Go.
- Oh, yeah, it was huge, right? That was a big one, wasn't it? Never done it.
I didn't really get time, get round to doing it.
Because it's hard, I've got a kid, so it's hard with all the new crazes.
I've still not done ice-bucket challenge or any happy slapping yet.
And also, I've got a Tamagotchi to look after, you know what I mean? He's off to uni next year, I can't let him down.
Can I just ask, as the only person on this panel over 40, what is the appeal of an app designed to get people run over? I don't understand it.
What do you do? You basically point your phone at someone, or something, and it'll say if a Pokemon is there, and then you throw a mythical ball at it, and then it's caught and you - And this is fun, how? - I don't know, Kate.
Is it fun? - I got really addicted to it.
- Hang on, hang on a second.
Have you seen Autumnwatch back? Because there are things there and you can see them, and it's not like, "We are looking at where a badger should be.
" "We'll be back in seven hours.
" - No, that's not true - "No, still nothing.
Still nothing.
- "Still nothing.
" - But at least - "There's no badger.
" There's a sense of anticipation.
This is just, like Well, Pokemon was pretty big in the UK, it was quite big in America, but Taiwan - have a look at this stampede when a very rare Pokemon turned up, this is genuine footage of a stampede to see a rare Pokemon.
Wow, I mean They might have just been having a sale on buckets of chicken at KFC.
I actually feel sorry for the Pokemon, cos they don't get to choose where they get sent, do they? They just turn up somewhere Imagine getting sent to a bingo hall in Wigan.
They're never going to get caught there, are they? They'll be there for ever! He'll be ringing up his mate - "Bulbasaur, where are you?" "I'm in Magaluf, mate! "I'm getting caught six times a night!" Well, I can tell you that Pokemon Go is not one of the most talked about things of the last year.
Pokemon Go is a completely new gaming concept, which has revolutionised the way children have their phones stolen in parks.
OK, fingers on buzzers, what else have people been talking about this last year? - What do you think? - It's been a bumper year for the Grim Reaper.
There's been a lot of celebs dying, or notable people dying.
For me, the saddest was Paul Daniels, when I saw his funeral, it was so sad, the way they cut his coffin in half and then separated it, just the legs dangling out.
I was like Joe, what do you think? People die, don't they? I mean, I'm sad about it, but I'm more worried about when my phone dies.
I mean, that's a really upsetting experience.
I was genuinely very upset by Prince, and David Bowie as well, I just felt like that I mean, just incredible.
I mean, like, I didn't have no connection with David Bowie, I didn't like him in that Labyrinth film, I thought it was a bit weird, he was just too obsessed with nicking that baby.
It was never explained why he wanted to nick that baby.
- It was just never explained to me.
- What annoyed me, though, was everyone's reaction to it on social media, people tweeting, "Oh, my God, I've heard the news "about Prince, I just don't know how I can go on.
" Then, like, half an hour later, "Oh, a photo of my cheesecake!" Who was the one that sort of that hurt the most? My nan.
I'm joking.
AISLING: Is she dead? No, she's all right.
Well, I don't know, when this goes out She's all right at the moment, we'll see.
Do you know who I was really sad about, and I'm sure it was the same for you, Kate? It was Harambe.
Poor old Harambe died, Harambe the gorilla.
A kid fell into his enclosure and so they thought, logically, shoot him.
I would have shot the kid.
You just fell in there, mate, that's natural selection, unlucky, he wins.
Is it just me, or is Harambe quite hot? He is, he's a gorilla, but Kate, you're the animal expert.
That's not a classic Like, I would have expected, like, this, but that sort of, like No, that's a confident gorilla.
- Yeah.
- That's like something off an album.
Yeah, I'm - Why are his sleeves a different colour to his trousers? - Sleeves?! He looks like he's wearing a tank top, which is never a good look on a man.
Oh, but he can pull it off, though, old Harambe.
- He can pull it off.
- I thought I was weird for having a necklace of a unicorn fucking a panda, and now we are all talking about shagging a Ah, Harambe is fit, though, he's Look at him.
Look at him, he's all strong, you know, you come home and you tell him about how you're sad - "I don't know why, she was really bitchy today and it wasn't even fair, "she was just being passive-aggressive, she wasn't even saying anything.
" He'll be like, "Baby, I know.
You're a strong, independent woman, you don't have to worry about that.
" I'm like, "OK, Harambe, thanks, babes.
" It's a very British attitude, though, I'm always amazed by funerals here, like, everyone in Ireland goes to anyone's funeral, it doesn't matter who Even the local paedophile gets, like, 100 people, easily, at his funeral.
That's because you just go for the free drink.
My nana's funeral in Limerick was one of the best nights out - I've ever had.
We went clubbing, it was awesome.
- Clubbing?! - Clubbing in Limerick.
- You went clubbing?! Jimmy, do you wear a suit to the clubs, or do you cheekily have one T-shirt at home and you're like, "When the young people ask me to go to a club, I wear the T-shirt"? I wear whatever my butler lays out for me.
I find the worst part about it all, all the people dying this year, because of all the scandal that's gone on in the last few years with celebrities, when someone goes, "Oh, have you heard about so-and-so?" you go, "Oh, my God, what, dead or paedo, what is it?" OK, let's see if celebrity deaths are up there.
Of course.
Yes, 2016 was a bad year for celebrity deaths.
Victoria Wood, Caroline Aherne, Paul Daniels and Terry Wogan all sadly died.
It's like the Grim Reaper is stalking Britain's most beloved celebrities.
So, if you're watching, Mr Motivator, I think you'll be all right.
So, those were the most talked about stories of the last year.
But in other news, Sir Philip Green was criticised over his handling of the BHS pensions crisis.
Sir Philip has a superyacht that he's named Lionheart, and if you're playing along at home, the answer is B - tiny penis.
At the end of that, Rob, Jamali and Rick have one point, - Aisling, Kate and Joe have two points.
- Yeah! That's it for part two, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
What do you like the look of, Aisling? Well, I really like the look of the bottom corner picture.
OK, so, most people would rather spend time with their pets - than their friends, what do you think? - Totally true.
- Really? - What pets have you got? Well, I've got three dogs, but one of them is a working dog so she's sort of a pet.
- Typing away.
- Working dog, do you mean like solves crimes? Yeah, no, she does the house work, she's brilliant.
- No, she's a sheepdog.
- She's a sheepdog.
# Stumble out of bed and hop into the field # Pour myself a cup of cold milk And yawn and stretch trying to get those sheep I prefer to spend time with my friends' pets than with my friends.
Because my friend Karen has a dog that's a King Charles spaniel, and it gets so excited when it sees me that it vomits on its own face.
It's a beautiful image.
It goes, "Oh! Waarrrrggh!" - Have you got any pets? - No, I want to get a pet pig.
- Cool idea.
- You can't just have one, though.
- You can't have just one? - It'll get lonely.
- No, they're really moreish.
APPLAUSE What I love about it is, you have to walk them like a dog and I just want to be that guy who's wandering around Birmingham with a pig on a lead.
You are already that guy.
- What other pets do you have? You've got three dogs.
- Two pigs.
- You've got two pigs? - Are they for eating or they just? These ones are not.
- They were for breeding.
- So you're breeding, breeding them to eat? Breeding them to Yes.
Is that OK? It's fine, I personally don't eat pigs for obvious reasons.
- What, it gets in your beard? - Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- Have you got any pets, Rick? Yeah, I've got a cat, and I much prefer spending time with my cat than my friends.
A cat feels like it's got you rather than you having it.
But I quite like that.
I've got to work for its affection.
Like, I need it more than it needs me.
Sounds like an abusive relationship.
I'm a sucker for that stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Calls you a piece of shit now and again.
- What's your cat called? - Tippi.
- Why Tippi? - After Tippi Hedren, the actress.
- Mine's called Alan.
- Oh, yeah? - Have you got any pets? - Yeah, I've got a cat.
- What's it called? - Tootsy.
Tippi and Tootsy.
Sounds like strippers.
It depends what you're doing with your pet, doesn't it? - It's none of your business, Rob.
- Well I mean, it depends what you're doing with your cat.
I love my cat but my cat would be shit on a stag do.
- It depends what you want to do.
- Mine would be dynamite.
Have you ever put a cucumber behind your cat? Well, I will just show you something that is remarkable.
Look at that! Yeah.
You see, I don't particularly like cats, - but I would get a cat just to do that to it.
- Oh, it's so funny.
I'm already trying to work out what I'm telling my wife about what I'm doing downstairs late at night with a cat and a cucumber.
OK, let's get some answers on this.
Most people would rather spend time with their pets than their friends, - what are you going to go with? - I'd say true.
- I think true.
I think true, I think a lot of people love their pets far too much.
- I'm one of them.
- What are you going to go for, Aisling? - Oh, I think false.
- False? - Yeah, people want human connection.
I can tell you it's close, but the answer is false.
Only 40% of people would rather spend time with their pets.
APPLAUSE Pets are better than friends.
You try finding a friend who will lick Marmite off your testicles for a biscuit and tell no-one.
Here! So, at the end of that round, it's one point for Rob's team and three points for Aisling's team.
Yes! The Winner Is is the name of our final round, your question: BUZZER I think for my new year's resolution, since we've had a baby, me and my wife have had too much sex.
So I think it's dialling it down.
Yes, absolutely hammer and tong most nights.
My new year's resolution is to have less sex with Rob's wife.
APPLAUSE Just try.
- Yeah, because he's a friend.
- It's hard.
What upsets me most is you're bisexual, not once have you rolled over to give me a go.
APPLAUSE I just love the image there of Rob curled up on one side going, "Oh.
They're at it again, are they?" Do you ever make new year's resolutions? Yeah, I do, I do some.
I always try and quit smoking, but I look too goddamn cool doing that.
What about the, what about the e-cigarettes? - I'm on the e-cigarette as well.
- As well? - Yeah.
I'm on both.
One for outside, one for inside.
How lovely, so you're getting all the nicotine, all the time.
Kate, did you make any new year's resolutions? I think I'm going to now, I think I'm going to stop watching badgers and start playing Pokemon, it sounds really fun.
If you want to see badgers, just go down the M3 at about seven in the morning.
- Why do you know that? - Because I go out for them.
- Who would win in a fight, a fox or a cat? - Oh, I like this.
Because we've got a fox at the back, we're a bit worried about letting the cat out, what do you reckon? I think Alan can handle himself.
It's a south London cat called Alan, he'll be fine.
It's a south-east London cat.
I think they, I think they'd avoid each other in the end but there might be kind of a bit of that cat snarling going on.
What happens if I put them in a Terrordome situation, would they fight? Like they threw one knife down saying, "One person leaves.
" I think you're going to see a lot of that going on as they try and pick up a knife.
OK, so, hardest new year's resolution to keep.
I've got to get better at going to the theatre.
Because I have to go with the in-laws a lot.
The way I deal with it is I get, I had four pints of JD and Coke.
By the end, I nearly heckled.
You know in a musical there's always a bit, the girl at the beginning, another girl that comes in halfway through, he leaves with the first girl and then goes with the second girl but there's always an argument with the first girl.
I was seconds away from shouting, "Bin her off, mate!" So how would you be better at going to the theatre? First, I've learned that you order those drinks at the middle.
They're not yours.
The interval drinks? The interval drinks are an organised affair, they're not just, have a go.
I've always thought the interval is the time to minesweep.
That's what I thought, I thought, "They're not drinking this!" But they have little tickets on, someone's ordered that.
The security's not all that, have 'em.
They're all so middle-class, bang 'em back, no-one's saying nothing.
Look them in the eye, "What are you gonna about it?" Then in the second half all the audience sitting there going, "Who drunk our drinks?" And then you shout, "Bin her off, mate!" Ah! APPLAUSE OK, hardest resolution to keep, let's get some answers.
- It must be exercise, the gym, that must be up there.
- It's related.
- Eat less.
- Lose weight.
- That's exactly right.
- Smashed it.
Yes, the hardest new year's resolution to keep is losing weight.
January is a great time to try and lose weight because you're cold, depressed, and surrounded by hundreds of unopened boxes of Quality Street.
BUZZER That sound means it's the end of the round and the show which means the final scores are Rob's team have two points, Aisling's team has three points, they're the winners.
- Yeah! - Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and for you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, wild at heart, it's Kate Humble.
'Rabbit Lycett's hot, it's Joe Lycett.
'And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
'And facing them tonight, taking the rick, it's Rick Edwards.
'He's a stand-up guy, it's Jamali Maddix.
'And their team captain, Rob Becket.
'Now, welcome your host, Jimmmmmmmmy Carr!' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats New Year Special, a show all about opinion poll surveys and the last year.
Did you know, for example, 15% of Britain's native species are at risk of extinction.
I love seeing our wonderful animals, foxes, badgers and hedgehogs in their natural habitat, jumping up and down on a trampoline in someone's back garden.
LAUGHTER 77% of men get down on one knee when they propose.
It's a meaningless tradition, but some people still like marriage.
LAUGHTER And 85% of women wash their hands after going to the toilet.
Why are you washing your hands, ladies? Surely what you should be washing is your bum and your fanny! LAUGHTER And the punchline to that joke is your bum and your fanny.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points of the last year.
Aisling, what do you think people have been talking about over the last year? Do you even want to say the word? No, I just want to hear Jimmy say bum and fanny again.
LAUGHTER Your bum and your fanny.
It's sinister, though, the way you say it.
IMITATES: Your bum and your fanny.
LAUGHTER You're saying I'M sinister? - You're wearing a necklace featuring a unicorn fucking a panda.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER It's a good It's a good necklace, isn't it? I'm mixed race and even I think that's unnatural.
LAUGHTER - Is it offensive? - Is it offensive to the animal community? Kate, you would know.
I think, you know, at least the panda has picked something - that's persistently horny.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I mean, Kate, you're an expert on animals.
The unicorn is endangered, right? LAUGHTER So is this the most talked-about subject of the year? The unicorn is endangered.
LAUGHTER I'm going to bring a bit of decorum to proceedings and I think what most British people have been talking about this year, excuse me, is Brexit! Yay! I don't know.
I mean, Brexit happened this year.
The United Kingdom decided to leave.
I think the genius was the Leave campaign, which decided not to use things like, I don't know, facts or whatever.
And instead, it appealed to people's emotions, and I use the word "appeal" because it was mostly about bananas.
What they did was, and this is the genius, they were, like, "Guys, they're trying to control our bananas.
" And people were, like, "No way! Not that staple of the British diet! "The humble British banana! Not on my watch!" OK.
Here's how two Ukip activists campaigned to get Britain out of Europe.
APPLAUSE To be fair, their early stuff was good.
LAUGHTER Gone off a bit recently.
What are they wearing on their feet? What are they, shoes? What is that? They are also Roman soldiers.
LAUGHTER That video right there makes me not mind getting sent back to Africa.
LAUGHTER .
.
this world.
I'm cool with leaving now, after seeing that.
The white people have spoken.
I am leaving now.
I'm going.
Rick, what do you make of the campaign? Yeah, I must say, I enjoyed it.
LAUGHTER Sure, you enjoyed it, yeah.
I was interested when we started talking about the type of Brexit.
And you started to hear chat about hard Brexit Whoa! LAUGHTER I like the idea, if we'd voted to stay, of everyone kind of going, "Now it's going to be hard remain.
" We said we'd take the euro, we'll have millions more immigrants, Jean-Claude Juncker is, like, Prime Minister, people would have loved the hard remain.
Hard remain, quite something.
I think, it's happening, right, I don't care if it's hard or soft.
All I want out of it is proper old-school duty-free.
LAUGHTER - Old You know what I'm talking about.
- I hadn't even thought that.
- It's really cheered me up.
- 200 fags, four quid.
LAUGHTER I think if you try and think of positives, but then there's loads of negatives.
Stuff like, cheese boards are going to be shit.
LAUGHTER And then Pizza Hut's going to go back to Rome.
LAUGHTER I get annoyed with the phrase, "Brexit means Brexit.
" Because that's not how you define words.
LAUGHTER I mean, the problem is, though, that's the problem.
Nobody knows what it means.
Going in, the politicians didn't know what it meant.
Everyone was just winging it.
Like, in no other job would that be OK.
"Oh, hey, Doctor, do you understand "the complicated process of heart surgery?" "Nah, I'm just going to go in, cut him open and play it by ear.
"Medicine means medicine.
" LAUGHTER I suppose the only good thing about Brexit was the fact that David Cameron resigned.
Take a look at David Cameron resigning.
And you've got to watch till the end here, because I think he's quite cheerful about going, "Yep, you deal with the problem.
" I expect to go to the Palace and offer my resignation, so we'll have a new Prime Minster in that building behind me by Wednesday evening.
Thank you very much.
Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
The one thing that I didn't like about Brexit is how Nigel Farage has now been justified.
Nigel Farage is the only guy, his plane crashed, and he had a near-death experience and came back more of a fucking dick.
LAUGHTER He is the only dude I've known who nearly died and still came back and he was like, to that, "Who saved my life? "The NHS and the doctors.
"Oh, remind me to dismantle that later.
" APPLAUSE It's weird because there's something about you that makes me think, "Eeh, did he vote Ukip? I'm not sure.
" Is it because I wear glasses? LAUGHTER - What did you make of it all, Kate? - It was depressing.
Although, I have to say, as somebody who lives in Wales, which almost universally voted to leave, our tiny little corner of it did vote to stay.
- Wales got so much from the EU, didn't they? - I know.
But like Cornwall, Cornwall voted out and then they were like, "Oh, what? We don't get to keep our 600 million EU funding?" You're like, "No.
" Like in a divorce, you can't be like, "Janice, where's my packed lunch?" "We're divorced now, Dave, I don't make your packed lunches any more.
" Whoa! This is awful! I love the names Janice and Dave.
They sound like a lovely couple, don't they? Well, they were until they got divorced.
Apparently, we need a £122 billion loan.
- Where do you get a loan that big? - Wonga? - I'm not sure.
But maybe if you paid your tax we'd have half! LAUGHTER Yeah.
Shall we have a look and see whether Brexit's up there? Yes, Britain voted for Brexit.
Brexit will have a lot of repercussions if all the Eastern European workers go home.
Just imagine the mountain of ironing, the backlog of DIY jobs, and Keith Vaz might have to fuck his wife for a change.
LAUGHTER Remember that lovely story? Keith Vaz? Couple of rent boys? Yeah, I can say that cos he definitely did it.
LAUGHTER All right, Keith? Morally repugnant, am I? LAUGHTER Have a fucking word, mate, have a word.
Did he say that you were morally repugnant? Everyone said I was morally repugnant.
Because I was.
They were just stating the obvious.
What else have people been talking about in the last year, Rob's team? Is it Kim Kardashian's robbery? That was quite a big news story, wasn't it? Huge news, yeah.
I mean, an armed robbery, I believe.
Yeah, and it was ridiculous, her ring was 3.
5 million.
Yeah, but she tweeted that she had it.
I mean, you know I've tweeted I've got a kid.
I don't want someone nicking it.
LAUGHTER - So Kim Kardashian tweeted this picture.
- I can't see anything other.
- LAUGHTER - I'm sorry.
Genuinely took me a while to see the ring there.
OK, so she's got a ring worth 3.
5 million or whatever it's worth, a lot of money.
And people kind of blamed her for being robbed.
I think she was foolish.
I think it doesn't happen in a Travelodge, does it? I tell you what, I bet Halifax are fuming they chucked in travel insurance with her Advance account.
LAUGHTER 3.
5 million is too much to spend on one thing.
If I had to spend 3.
5 million on one thing, I'd buy Peter Crouch.
LAUGHTER Imagine having Peter Crouch? It would be quality.
He can just do light bulbs.
LAUGHTER I can picture it now, me missus, "Oh, you've not gone and bought Peter Crouch, have you? "He barely played with Emile Heskey!" This isn't the first time Kim's been upset about losing jewellery.
Have a look at this.
I don't know, jump in! SHE SCREAMS SHE LAUGHS Now I'm going to have to - My earring's gone! - Are you serious? - BLEEP.
- Oh, my God, I'm going to cry, my diamond earring.
- Hold on.
- Are you serious? - That's $75,000.
- Come on, we'll find it, baby.
We're not going to find it in the ocean! APPLAUSE I can't keep up with that show.
My issue with that is her reaction at losing an earring would be my reaction if I'd seen a shark.
What was it like when her boyfriend jumped in and stuck his face in like he was going to see the whole sea.
LAUGHTER It's all right, babe, I've got you! It's the sea! Like, you ain't looking in It's gone! Plus, it's like, you've still got one which is worth half of 75,000 which I don't know the mathematics of right now.
LAUGHTER 37,500.
- Yeah? - THEY GASP All right, it's not Countdown! LAUGHTER I feel a bit bad for her.
She does get kind of hassled the whole time.
Take a look at this footage just days before the robbery in France.
And one of Kim Kardashian's fans got a little bit too close.
- Kim! Kim! - Kim, Kim! - Oh, my God! - I mean, that's Why does that person not grab him by the neck and go, "You stupid piece of shit, "you never stick your face up a woman-you-don't-know's arse!" He probably does, actually, he looks like he's about to.
Maybe he thought it was a subway to cross the road.
LAUGHTER I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel.
LAUGHTER I can tell you that Kim Kardashian being robbed is not one of the most talked-about stories of the last year.
Those Kardashians have had no luck, they're still reeling from the time Bruce Jenner had his family jewels snatched.
LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers, what else were people talking about this year? BUZZER - Go on, what have you got? - It's got to be the old Donald Trump.
The President of America, or President-elect.
I feel sorry for Donalds.
Just Donalds in the world.
LAUGHTER Just a normal man called Donald now, it's going to be the new Adolf.
LAUGHTER I like that you think that it was the Adolfs in the 1930s that really had it hard.
LAUGHTER So Clinton versus Trump.
It was quite depressing.
Did you stay up and watch it? Did you stay up and watch the election? Who stayed up and watched? I don't even stay up for WrestleMania any more.
- Oh, Trump wasn't wrestling? - He wasn't wrestling, Trump.
Trump wasn't wrestling? Trump was in WWE, bruv, how can your President have been body-slammed? How can your President have been stone-cold stunned? He's done a lot of very, very weird things.
This is a clip of Donald Trump with former New York mayor, Rudy Giuliani.
He's a close friend and supporter of Trump's.
Take a look at this extraordinary clip from the year 2000.
You know, you're really beautiful.
A woman that looks like that has to have her own special scent.
Oh, thank you, maybe you could tell me what you think of this scent? Mmm.
I like that.
This may be the best of all.
Oh, you dirty boy, you.
Oh! Oh! Donald, I thought you were a gentleman.
Hm! You can't say I didn't try.
LAUGHTER He's now, he's now got his finger on the button, the guy in the what I can only assume was an early Little Britain sketch.
What I found more offensive was his haircut, he had that mullet game going on there.
That was disgusting, man.
From that point on, I lost more respect for him for all of that war stuff, all of that, the fact that he had a mullet right there, I have no respect for him no more.
LAUGHTER I mean, it's the first time anyone's said his hair's got better.
LAUGHTER He's just not qualified for the job, is he? It's the most important job in the world and he's not qualified for it.
But he must be so stressed about it.
Like, when I worked in an office, I'd panic if they made me change the toner on the photocopier.
He's got to go and do world things.
LAUGHTER He's not the least qualified person for the job, Rob.
That's clearly you.
He's got to do world things now.
You can sort of imagine him saying that, though.
You can imagine him saying I've got to do world things.
He's tee-total.
Imagine his policies after a couple of Carlings.
LAUGHTER - He doesn't drink? - No.
- What?! Imagine what he would do after a tequila.
Oh, he's not going to drink that.
After LAUGHTER What do you make of him? If I'm honest, he's obviously terrifying, but it's the little one that really worries me.
The little son, Baron Trump.
He is standing next to him and you can see that he's plotting and I am going to put money on him being the Supreme Leader of the World by So you think the world's still going to be here in 2030? You're more optimistic than I am.
Well, some people were thrilled that Donald Trump was coming to power.
Take a look at how excited this nine-year-old girl is.
- Guess what we're going to do Monday? - What? We're going to see Donald Trump in person, in New Hampshire.
- Are you serious?! - Yeah.
- Oh, my word! - Are you excited? - Yes! We're going to see him in person.
Not just on TV.
- CRIES: Thank you, Mom.
- Aw.
SHE CRIES - Are you excited? - Yes! - Do you want to meet him? - Tell Mr Trump you want to meet him.
- I love you, Trump! APPLAUSE Have you ever mixed up Donald Trump and Frozen On Ice? I think she has.
LAUGHTER Do you know what? Do you know what really depresses me, is that following @POTUS, which is the word for President of the United States, on Twitter, it's so lovely and life affirming because Obama has been running the Twitter.
So now Donald Trump is going to take over the Twitter account.
Can you imagine, like, the tweets are going to go from, "Just had a really positive meeting with Iran," to "I think Miss Southern California is a whore, "#whore, #womenarewhores.
" It's just Then Melania Trump is going to be taking over Michelle Obama's one.
But then, she'll just copy and paste all her old tweets.
It's Melania who I worry about.
Because she, she must be looking at the Oval Office going, "Another room that I've got to pretend to come in.
" LAUGHTER Well, partly the kind of annoying thing about it was Hillary Clinton didn't get elected, so we nearly had the first female President.
That would have been How annoying was it that she did actually get more votes than him? I mean, what sort of democracy is that? You know I'm not in charge.
- Well, you should be.
- No, a woman should be in charge.
Yeah, and they would only have had to pay her 78% of the cost of Donald Trump.
That would have been brilliant.
It would have been more value.
APPLAUSE I've got a picture, I think this is Hillary Clinton, I'm pretty sure.
- Oh, there she is.
- It could be Joe Lycett and David Walliams at a Halloween party.
Oh, thank God for that, I thought it was me at a work do.
LAUGHTER Got a bit close to the women from I did get well pissed at a Marks & Spencer leaving do and got a bit fruity with a woman from Per Una.
LAUGHTER Jamali, are you a big fan of Trump? Do you like him? No, I was in America recently cos I was doing, I was filming a show and I was supposed to go to a swastika lighting with these national socialists Hang on, you've got to slow this right down.
What were you thinking? It was one of my great ideas where I said, "I want to go around the world "and talk to racist people," and they let me do it.
So I went out there, so the Nazi guy who was the leader of the Nazi party said, "Come to a swastika lighting in Georgia.
" And they didn't tell me that it was in a KKK bar.
So you thought, "KKK bar, "I thought this was just going to be a nice lighting of a swastika.
" So I get there and I wasn't allowed in, surprise.
And it had all these Trump posters everywhere.
And then the owner, like, came out and was like, "What the? "Why is there a black dude across the street with binoculars" Right? He comes over and he goes, "Why are you across the street?" And I started grassing everyone up.
I was, like, "I've come here "and they said I can't come inside and I've got film cameras," so he went back inside and I saw him shouting at all the Nazis and he was like, "Listen, this is my Klan bar.
"Everyone's welcomed.
Right?" And they let me in.
The moral of the story is, KKK, not all bad.
LAUGHTER KKK, not all bad.
Pretty much.
OK, well, let's have a look and see if Donald Trump is up there.
Yes, the US Election, the most talked-about thing.
Donald Trump says he'll replace Obama's health care system so Obamacare will now become Donald Doesn't Care.
LAUGHTER It was such a ridiculous year, though, wasn't it? You look at, like, Trump, Brexit, Leicester, I'm going to put a fiver on Stephen Hawking to win The Jump.
LAUGHTER That's it for part one, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the most talked about stories of the last year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Rob? - Pokemon Go.
- Oh, yeah, it was huge, right? That was a big one, wasn't it? Never done it.
I didn't really get time, get round to doing it.
Because it's hard, I've got a kid, so it's hard with all the new crazes.
I've still not done ice-bucket challenge or any happy slapping yet.
And also, I've got a Tamagotchi to look after, you know what I mean? He's off to uni next year, I can't let him down.
Can I just ask, as the only person on this panel over 40, what is the appeal of an app designed to get people run over? I don't understand it.
What do you do? You basically point your phone at someone, or something, and it'll say if a Pokemon is there, and then you throw a mythical ball at it, and then it's caught and you - And this is fun, how? - I don't know, Kate.
Is it fun? - I got really addicted to it.
- Hang on, hang on a second.
Have you seen Autumnwatch back? Because there are things there and you can see them, and it's not like, "We are looking at where a badger should be.
" "We'll be back in seven hours.
" - No, that's not true - "No, still nothing.
Still nothing.
- "Still nothing.
" - But at least - "There's no badger.
" There's a sense of anticipation.
This is just, like Well, Pokemon was pretty big in the UK, it was quite big in America, but Taiwan - have a look at this stampede when a very rare Pokemon turned up, this is genuine footage of a stampede to see a rare Pokemon.
Wow, I mean They might have just been having a sale on buckets of chicken at KFC.
I actually feel sorry for the Pokemon, cos they don't get to choose where they get sent, do they? They just turn up somewhere Imagine getting sent to a bingo hall in Wigan.
They're never going to get caught there, are they? They'll be there for ever! He'll be ringing up his mate - "Bulbasaur, where are you?" "I'm in Magaluf, mate! "I'm getting caught six times a night!" Well, I can tell you that Pokemon Go is not one of the most talked about things of the last year.
Pokemon Go is a completely new gaming concept, which has revolutionised the way children have their phones stolen in parks.
OK, fingers on buzzers, what else have people been talking about this last year? - What do you think? - It's been a bumper year for the Grim Reaper.
There's been a lot of celebs dying, or notable people dying.
For me, the saddest was Paul Daniels, when I saw his funeral, it was so sad, the way they cut his coffin in half and then separated it, just the legs dangling out.
I was like Joe, what do you think? People die, don't they? I mean, I'm sad about it, but I'm more worried about when my phone dies.
I mean, that's a really upsetting experience.
I was genuinely very upset by Prince, and David Bowie as well, I just felt like that I mean, just incredible.
I mean, like, I didn't have no connection with David Bowie, I didn't like him in that Labyrinth film, I thought it was a bit weird, he was just too obsessed with nicking that baby.
It was never explained why he wanted to nick that baby.
- It was just never explained to me.
- What annoyed me, though, was everyone's reaction to it on social media, people tweeting, "Oh, my God, I've heard the news "about Prince, I just don't know how I can go on.
" Then, like, half an hour later, "Oh, a photo of my cheesecake!" Who was the one that sort of that hurt the most? My nan.
I'm joking.
AISLING: Is she dead? No, she's all right.
Well, I don't know, when this goes out She's all right at the moment, we'll see.
Do you know who I was really sad about, and I'm sure it was the same for you, Kate? It was Harambe.
Poor old Harambe died, Harambe the gorilla.
A kid fell into his enclosure and so they thought, logically, shoot him.
I would have shot the kid.
You just fell in there, mate, that's natural selection, unlucky, he wins.
Is it just me, or is Harambe quite hot? He is, he's a gorilla, but Kate, you're the animal expert.
That's not a classic Like, I would have expected, like, this, but that sort of, like No, that's a confident gorilla.
- Yeah.
- That's like something off an album.
Yeah, I'm - Why are his sleeves a different colour to his trousers? - Sleeves?! He looks like he's wearing a tank top, which is never a good look on a man.
Oh, but he can pull it off, though, old Harambe.
- He can pull it off.
- I thought I was weird for having a necklace of a unicorn fucking a panda, and now we are all talking about shagging a Ah, Harambe is fit, though, he's Look at him.
Look at him, he's all strong, you know, you come home and you tell him about how you're sad - "I don't know why, she was really bitchy today and it wasn't even fair, "she was just being passive-aggressive, she wasn't even saying anything.
" He'll be like, "Baby, I know.
You're a strong, independent woman, you don't have to worry about that.
" I'm like, "OK, Harambe, thanks, babes.
" It's a very British attitude, though, I'm always amazed by funerals here, like, everyone in Ireland goes to anyone's funeral, it doesn't matter who Even the local paedophile gets, like, 100 people, easily, at his funeral.
That's because you just go for the free drink.
My nana's funeral in Limerick was one of the best nights out - I've ever had.
We went clubbing, it was awesome.
- Clubbing?! - Clubbing in Limerick.
- You went clubbing?! Jimmy, do you wear a suit to the clubs, or do you cheekily have one T-shirt at home and you're like, "When the young people ask me to go to a club, I wear the T-shirt"? I wear whatever my butler lays out for me.
I find the worst part about it all, all the people dying this year, because of all the scandal that's gone on in the last few years with celebrities, when someone goes, "Oh, have you heard about so-and-so?" you go, "Oh, my God, what, dead or paedo, what is it?" OK, let's see if celebrity deaths are up there.
Of course.
Yes, 2016 was a bad year for celebrity deaths.
Victoria Wood, Caroline Aherne, Paul Daniels and Terry Wogan all sadly died.
It's like the Grim Reaper is stalking Britain's most beloved celebrities.
So, if you're watching, Mr Motivator, I think you'll be all right.
So, those were the most talked about stories of the last year.
But in other news, Sir Philip Green was criticised over his handling of the BHS pensions crisis.
Sir Philip has a superyacht that he's named Lionheart, and if you're playing along at home, the answer is B - tiny penis.
At the end of that, Rob, Jamali and Rick have one point, - Aisling, Kate and Joe have two points.
- Yeah! That's it for part two, see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
What do you like the look of, Aisling? Well, I really like the look of the bottom corner picture.
OK, so, most people would rather spend time with their pets - than their friends, what do you think? - Totally true.
- Really? - What pets have you got? Well, I've got three dogs, but one of them is a working dog so she's sort of a pet.
- Typing away.
- Working dog, do you mean like solves crimes? Yeah, no, she does the house work, she's brilliant.
- No, she's a sheepdog.
- She's a sheepdog.
# Stumble out of bed and hop into the field # Pour myself a cup of cold milk And yawn and stretch trying to get those sheep I prefer to spend time with my friends' pets than with my friends.
Because my friend Karen has a dog that's a King Charles spaniel, and it gets so excited when it sees me that it vomits on its own face.
It's a beautiful image.
It goes, "Oh! Waarrrrggh!" - Have you got any pets? - No, I want to get a pet pig.
- Cool idea.
- You can't just have one, though.
- You can't have just one? - It'll get lonely.
- No, they're really moreish.
APPLAUSE What I love about it is, you have to walk them like a dog and I just want to be that guy who's wandering around Birmingham with a pig on a lead.
You are already that guy.
- What other pets do you have? You've got three dogs.
- Two pigs.
- You've got two pigs? - Are they for eating or they just? These ones are not.
- They were for breeding.
- So you're breeding, breeding them to eat? Breeding them to Yes.
Is that OK? It's fine, I personally don't eat pigs for obvious reasons.
- What, it gets in your beard? - Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- Have you got any pets, Rick? Yeah, I've got a cat, and I much prefer spending time with my cat than my friends.
A cat feels like it's got you rather than you having it.
But I quite like that.
I've got to work for its affection.
Like, I need it more than it needs me.
Sounds like an abusive relationship.
I'm a sucker for that stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Calls you a piece of shit now and again.
- What's your cat called? - Tippi.
- Why Tippi? - After Tippi Hedren, the actress.
- Mine's called Alan.
- Oh, yeah? - Have you got any pets? - Yeah, I've got a cat.
- What's it called? - Tootsy.
Tippi and Tootsy.
Sounds like strippers.
It depends what you're doing with your pet, doesn't it? - It's none of your business, Rob.
- Well I mean, it depends what you're doing with your cat.
I love my cat but my cat would be shit on a stag do.
- It depends what you want to do.
- Mine would be dynamite.
Have you ever put a cucumber behind your cat? Well, I will just show you something that is remarkable.
Look at that! Yeah.
You see, I don't particularly like cats, - but I would get a cat just to do that to it.
- Oh, it's so funny.
I'm already trying to work out what I'm telling my wife about what I'm doing downstairs late at night with a cat and a cucumber.
OK, let's get some answers on this.
Most people would rather spend time with their pets than their friends, - what are you going to go with? - I'd say true.
- I think true.
I think true, I think a lot of people love their pets far too much.
- I'm one of them.
- What are you going to go for, Aisling? - Oh, I think false.
- False? - Yeah, people want human connection.
I can tell you it's close, but the answer is false.
Only 40% of people would rather spend time with their pets.
APPLAUSE Pets are better than friends.
You try finding a friend who will lick Marmite off your testicles for a biscuit and tell no-one.
Here! So, at the end of that round, it's one point for Rob's team and three points for Aisling's team.
Yes! The Winner Is is the name of our final round, your question: BUZZER I think for my new year's resolution, since we've had a baby, me and my wife have had too much sex.
So I think it's dialling it down.
Yes, absolutely hammer and tong most nights.
My new year's resolution is to have less sex with Rob's wife.
APPLAUSE Just try.
- Yeah, because he's a friend.
- It's hard.
What upsets me most is you're bisexual, not once have you rolled over to give me a go.
APPLAUSE I just love the image there of Rob curled up on one side going, "Oh.
They're at it again, are they?" Do you ever make new year's resolutions? Yeah, I do, I do some.
I always try and quit smoking, but I look too goddamn cool doing that.
What about the, what about the e-cigarettes? - I'm on the e-cigarette as well.
- As well? - Yeah.
I'm on both.
One for outside, one for inside.
How lovely, so you're getting all the nicotine, all the time.
Kate, did you make any new year's resolutions? I think I'm going to now, I think I'm going to stop watching badgers and start playing Pokemon, it sounds really fun.
If you want to see badgers, just go down the M3 at about seven in the morning.
- Why do you know that? - Because I go out for them.
- Who would win in a fight, a fox or a cat? - Oh, I like this.
Because we've got a fox at the back, we're a bit worried about letting the cat out, what do you reckon? I think Alan can handle himself.
It's a south London cat called Alan, he'll be fine.
It's a south-east London cat.
I think they, I think they'd avoid each other in the end but there might be kind of a bit of that cat snarling going on.
What happens if I put them in a Terrordome situation, would they fight? Like they threw one knife down saying, "One person leaves.
" I think you're going to see a lot of that going on as they try and pick up a knife.
OK, so, hardest new year's resolution to keep.
I've got to get better at going to the theatre.
Because I have to go with the in-laws a lot.
The way I deal with it is I get, I had four pints of JD and Coke.
By the end, I nearly heckled.
You know in a musical there's always a bit, the girl at the beginning, another girl that comes in halfway through, he leaves with the first girl and then goes with the second girl but there's always an argument with the first girl.
I was seconds away from shouting, "Bin her off, mate!" So how would you be better at going to the theatre? First, I've learned that you order those drinks at the middle.
They're not yours.
The interval drinks? The interval drinks are an organised affair, they're not just, have a go.
I've always thought the interval is the time to minesweep.
That's what I thought, I thought, "They're not drinking this!" But they have little tickets on, someone's ordered that.
The security's not all that, have 'em.
They're all so middle-class, bang 'em back, no-one's saying nothing.
Look them in the eye, "What are you gonna about it?" Then in the second half all the audience sitting there going, "Who drunk our drinks?" And then you shout, "Bin her off, mate!" Ah! APPLAUSE OK, hardest resolution to keep, let's get some answers.
- It must be exercise, the gym, that must be up there.
- It's related.
- Eat less.
- Lose weight.
- That's exactly right.
- Smashed it.
Yes, the hardest new year's resolution to keep is losing weight.
January is a great time to try and lose weight because you're cold, depressed, and surrounded by hundreds of unopened boxes of Quality Street.
BUZZER That sound means it's the end of the round and the show which means the final scores are Rob's team have two points, Aisling's team has three points, they're the winners.
- Yeah! - Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and for you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.