8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e07 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, all our Christmases have come at once.
It's Carrie Fisher.
Ho, ho, ho, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Their team captain, Rob Beckett.
And facing them tonight Jingle Bell Rock, it's Brad and James from The Vamps.
Roisin around the Christmas tree, it's Roisin Conaty.
And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, a show about opinion polls, surveys, statistics and Christmas.
CHEERING Did you know, for example, the Bible actually gives no date for Jesus's birthday? So, Mary and Joseph probably just said it was December 25th so they didn't have to buy him two sets of presents.
LAUGHTER The average Brit takes 15 hours to finish their Christmas shopping, which begs the question, just how far do they live from the all-night garage? LAUGHTER And 52% of British people eat twice their recommended calorie intake every Christmas Day.
And that fact also works if you remove the word "Christmas".
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three favourite things about Christmas.
Rob, Joe Wilkinson, Carrie Fisher.
- Um.
- Amazing.
- I know.
CHEERING It looks like We can't believe you're here.
We're thrilled.
It looks like It looks that we've shaved a bit of Chewbacca.
LAUGHTER He's off.
You've actually met Joe before, haven't you? Joe is a local in the bar at the beginning of Star Wars.
Seriously I can't do this all night! I am a person.
- Sort of.
- Ha.
That's how I feel.
- Thank you.
- Now I am merchandising! - Exactly.
Rob, what do you think people love about Christmas? I'm quite happy, cos I didn't realise this was a Christmas episode.
I just This was the only thing that was clean.
AISLING: Same, yeah.
Same.
Yeah.
It feels like you got the memo on the Christmas show.
No, no, I didn't.
I asked Costume to provide me with a traditional Irish outfit LAUGHTER Can we see the shoes? Because the shoes, for me The shoes I mean, I would go the other way, but then I'd be flashing the pants No, I'm really into it(!) Happy Christmas(!) LAUGHTER Roisin, look, I've had a shave! APPLAUSE It's great.
It's great.
OK.
So, Rob, favourite things about Christmas.
- What do we think? - Got to be Christmas dinner, isn't it? - Yum, yum.
- I love it.
I'm going to eat so much I have actually put a pacemaker on my Christmas list.
LAUGHTER Carrie, where will you be spending Christmas this year? Where will you be? Where will you be eating your dinner? I think at my mother's house next door.
I mean, that sounds like a nightmare to me.
- You've got the family next door? - Or a reality show that we don't film.
LAUGHTER - Yes.
- And who will cook? Neither one of us.
So I can cook.
- Can you cook? - Isn't that? Yeah.
I learned to cook later on when I find out other people you did these things yourself.
LAUGHTER It's really embarrassing.
Please forgive me.
I didn't raise me.
Would I have done this? LAUGHTER I did not know about that stuff until I was about 16.
So, American Christmas as opposed to British Christmas, are there any differences? Oh no.
LAUGHTER So, do you like the Christmas traditional? I like sweet potatoes with marshmallows all over it.
Carrie, you're an absolute legend, but that sounds fucking disgusting.
LAUGHTER Carrie, food-wise, do you ever get sick of, like, people just going, "Hey, Carrie, two doughnuts!" and like pretending - to be Princess Leia? - I don't get sick of that at all.
- Never? - I beg people to do it.
LAUGHTER I love food hair jokes.
LAUGHTER Good thing you asked.
It was a shot in the dark.
But bull's-eye.
Who knew? Rob, favourite Christmas food? I am not a big fan of cranberry sauce.
I'm like a turkey-cranberry sauce man-to-man marking.
I want it to be 50-50.
Oh, I don't It's got a good PR team, hasn't it, cranberry sauce? In, like, June, if you had roast chicken with jam on it, you'd get sectioned.
I know someone who doesn't like roast potatoes.
Fuck off! LAUGHTER That is mental.
That's like not liking the smell of your own guff.
LAUGHTER - Christmas pudding is rubbish as well.
- Oh, Christmas pudding.
Any food that you have to set fire to - LAUGHTER - .
.
before you eat it can't taste good, can it? AISLING: My auntie has diabetes.
And so my mother last year had to get her a diabetic pudding.
But she went out and came back with a vegetarian pudding because they are both those same, like, newfangled concepts.
You know, vegetarians, diabetics, lesbians, all You know.
She's just, "They're all people who are just fussy "about what they put in their mouth.
" LAUGHTER She makes an excellent point.
APPLAUSE Do you guys all have Christmas dinner together, all the four Vamps? - Absolutely not.
- No.
- What? Do you all go home to your houses? We all go home, have a very normal Christmas.
Yes, it's very boring.
I'm a bit worried about doing the Christmas episode with the Vamps.
You do know Father Christmas isn't real? LAUGHTER They were actually my present to Roisin.
- I felt we could have a Vamp each.
- Thank you.
- Take your pick.
LAUGHTER I am looking to adopt.
LAUGHTER - You did a Christmas album, didn't you? - We did.
- The whole I don't want to embarrass the boys.
I think it was a contractual obligation, because I've got footage of them singing a Christmas song and they were just trying to get through it as quick as possible.
Have a look.
MUSIC Here we go! # We wish you a Merry Christmas # We wish you a Merry Christmas # We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year # Good tidings we bring to you and your king We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! APPLAUSE My favourite Christmas song, and I just cannot get it out of my head - I've only properly heard this year.
You know that Elton John one, Step Into Christmas? - AISLING: No.
- Yes.
But the only words I think he just had that afternoon off.
The only words in it are "Christmas".
# Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Chris, Chris, Christmas # Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
- # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Christmas, Christmas # - Keep going.
# Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Step into Christmas.
LAUGHTER Christmas His neck has gone very, very red.
My neck is powering my light-up nipples.
Right, shall we have a look and see if Christmas dinner is one of our favourite things about Christmas? Yes, it is.
Christmas dinner.
LAUGHTER Alternatives to Christmas dinner include goose, reindeer steaks and crying into a microwave lasagne for one.
LAUGHTER OK.
Aisling's team.
What do you think? What else do you think people love about Christmas? - What do you think, Half Of The Vamps? - Presents? - Yeah.
- Presents, yes.
- Bloody kids! It's all they are interested in, isn't it? - What do you boys want for Christmas? - I bought myself something this year.
- What did you buy yourself? - I passed my driving test about - three months ago.
- Oh, really? And everyone was like, "Oh, what are you going to get? "You're in a band.
You're going to get a nice Merc.
" I got a Seat Ibiza.
One previous owner as well.
- One previous owner.
- AISLING: Oh.
Come on.
A man with his feet on the ground.
Wow.
How are you? It makes us feel Because neither myself nor Roisin know how to drive.
How did you? - How long did it take you to learn? - It took me a good four years.
- Four years? - Yes.
- ROB: How old are you? - How old are you? - 21.
- Bollocks.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER - You're not allowed Your provisional is 17, isn't it? - Yeah.
17 plus 4 is LAUGHTER Roisin Conaty, everyone.
LAUGHTER What's the best present you've ever got, Roisin? Just the love of my family.
LAUGHTER Oh, shut up! I This is terrible.
Me and my sister, once we worked out that Santa wasn't real Then who do I work for? LAUGHTER - She has really gone method on this.
I mean - We couldn't We couldn't enjoy Christmas until we'd actually worked out the budget spent on all of the presents.
Christmas was more me opening the presents, going, like, "This is nice.
Let's see how much it cost when I compare it to hers later.
" I had the same argument with my brothers.
Once One year I got, like a hi-fi thing, like a CD-player thing.
And he got a Bosch mobile phone and a Dreamcast.
Mentally more expensive, right? I went, "Mum, that is insane.
That is so much more.
" - I'm getting angry now! - LAUGHTER She went, "No, I spent the same.
" I went, "No, you didn't, Mum.
I've added them up.
You spent more.
" "I spent the same.
" I kept on pushing her and pushing her and pushing her.
And she went, "All right, the Dreamcast was nicked!" LAUGHTER - So - And that's the meaning of Christmas! I don't do presents any more.
I'm done with it.
And people get really upset by it.
I just give money to charity and that's what I do.
- Christ.
- People get I know.
See? - Oh I'll stop you there.
If you want to give to charity, why don't you do it in your own time? LAUGHTER Roisin, I didn't get you anything, OK? OK? Carrie, I don't know how to say this Did your mum get you a vibrator for Christmas? Oh, funny you should ask LAUGHTER She got one for my grandmother and for myself.
And my grandmother refused to use it because she thought it would short-circuit her pacemaker.
LAUGHTER And what do you say when you? Thank you.
LAUGHTER "The Force is strong with this one.
" LAUGHTER OK.
As it's Christmas, I thought I'd give everyone a little pressie.
Yes, please.
Rob, I got you this.
I hope you like it.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells - Wow.
- I just - Oh.
Oh, that's handy, actually, because my other one's run out.
LAUGHTER I have actually got you a present, Jim.
You always look nice, don't you? You've always got a lovely suit on Doesn't he always look nice? - He always - I don't like where this is going.
- No, looks lovely.
So I've got something to help you carry on looking nice.
I've got something for your hair and for your teeth.
LAUGHTER Got some black tile varnish for your nut and somethis for your teeth, if you want to Merry Christmas.
Thank you very much.
Genuinely, you bought me something.
- Joe, you always look - Fabulous.
Borderline homeless.
Borderline! LAUGHTER I I got you this.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells Can you stop making that noise, please, mate? Is your mum proud of you? LAUGHTER Nothing is worth that, mate.
LAUGHTER Oh, right Oh, hello.
Ooh, that is lovely.
That is lovely.
AISLING WOLF-WHISTLES You can go off and try it on.
It's a two-piece.
I don't think I'll go off, mate.
LAUGHTER ROB HUMS The Stripper Oh, Jesus.
WHISTLING AND CHEERING Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What have you got on? - Pants.
LAUGHTER There Can I just make sure it fits? Don't want to look like a prick.
LAUGHTER AISLING: Lovely.
I'll leave the flies undone, if that's all right with everyone.
That how to chat people up.
When they go, "Your flies are undone," I go, "Now I've got you talking.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Put it around your head.
Like you're at the end of a party.
- Oh, hello.
Yeah.
Pissed up at The Vamps' house.
I'm going to get in somehow, lads.
LAUGHTER AISLING: Yeah.
That is a strong look.
Carrie, obviously, we've got you a gift.
Elf MUSIC: Jingle Bells we know how much you love your dogs, so we got you this.
A dog vibrator? LAUGHTER - That's nice.
- Oh, it's of my dog! That's your dog? AISLING: Oh! His tongue is actually half again too big for his mouth, so it never goes in.
- What's he called? - Gary.
I met a geezer in Ibiza called Gary and his tongue was hanging out like that.
That could mean something totally different.
Yeah, he was off his nut.
LAUGHTER Aisling, obviously, I've got you a gift.
Here you go.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells - "To Aisling, from Jimmy.
" - OK.
If you sort of lift it out, - if you step round the front and step into it - What? - The elves will help.
- Thank you, elves.
Or "my brothers", as I call them.
The whole family is here.
It's an inflatable unicorn.
What? So how do I? ROB: This is amazing.
Pull that up around your waist, tuck in the back of that - yeah, perfect - and inflate.
Oh! It's a little pony! - It's a unicorn.
- And it blows? Oh, God, I can feel the air going up my LAUGHTER - Oh.
- It's not the only thing it's inflating Looks like you're really enjoying yourself.
Is this what it's like to be a man all the time? "All right, ladies.
Yes! "I'm going to rule the world.
Don't even have to do anything.
"Yeah, I can say what I want.
"Grab her by the pussy - doesn't matter.
I can still be President.
" LAUGHTER Thank you.
Well, Jimmy, I didn't want to leave you without a present.
- Right.
- I was working on a little painting, actually, and I just - It's - You've done us a picture? It's just something for your mansion.
Um, it's just a little painting.
It's just something I did from memory.
And it's just a little LAUGHTER I think you've got the wrong JC in the manger, but I like it.
- I think this is way it should be.
Ting! - Ting! LAUGHTER I'll just I'll pop that there.
The Vamps, I got you these.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells So, Brad, open yours.
What have you got? Just hold it up.
What's Happening To Me? LAUGHTER Could you just read out what's on the front? - "How do I shave?" - Yeah.
- You're not going to need that for a while.
- I still don't shave.
"When will my voice break?" LAUGHTER Hopefully! And "What's a wet dream?" LAUGHTER - Thank you very much.
- No problem at all.
- You're like a father to me.
Now, I don't want to make Carrie too jealous, but I have a guitar vibrator, by the looks of things.
- It's an infrared guitar, so you can strum it - Oh, nice.
HE PLAYS A FEW NOTES Sing us a song, come on.
# Oh, Roisin, you're great # You're my pal # Don't go changing You're the best gal.
Joe, you look fit We've got The Vamps here.
They could sing! LAUGHTER What are you two doing? I thought maybe they were going to do LAUGHTER Roisin didn't forget you.
Got you a lovely gift.
- I should think so.
- Yeah.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells I reckon you'll like this.
Just careful opening it.
"Made in China.
" Yes, please.
My absolute favourite.
I like them.
- You're going to love this.
Just open it.
- You've got a double entry.
What's going on? OK, it comes with MUSIC: Jingle Bells So you can drink direct from the bottle - Oh, thank you.
- Oh, you put it straight in the? I mean, that's the most troubling thing I've ever seen.
You have to open the bottle, Roisin.
Go on, take a swig.
JOE: I feel the glass is just getting in the way.
Is it meant to be as glamorous as this(?) LAUGHTER New low, Rois.
LAUGHTER More than had enough.
OK.
Let's have a look and see if Christmas presents are up there.
Yes, it's Christmas presents.
There's nothing that shows your gratitude for a gift more than those three magic words "Got the receipt?" LAUGHTER That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, where we're still trying to guess the nation's favourite things about Christmas.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZ - What do you think? - Is it, erm, spending time with family? Are you? How much time is enough with your family, what do you think? Just Christmas Day.
No, it's fun, though, innit? It's weird, though, cos even though you hate them, it is still fun.
I do like that thing on Christmas Day, you know when you go round a relative's house and they spend the first four hours pretending that they haven't invited you.
LAUGHTER And then they won't let you in.
Until you climb in through the kitchen window.
And even then they start screaming.
We do, erm, er, we've recently started doing "Bring a stranger to Christmas," which may I recommend for everyone? Just bring a stranger, like, someone you know roughly, like, - don't just bring - No way.
I've been stung too many times.
Once my mum invited a lady for Christmas dinner! I went into my hallway, and it was probably about seven or eight o'clock in the evening, - and then I walked back in! - SHE LAUGHS Sorry! I walked back into the front room, she had the remote control in her hands, her top was still on, but her pants were down! And she was just stood there in her knickers, and her jeans down! Why do you think, why did she? She was going to get changed, cos she was going to stay the night, so she was going to get changed and got caught up with the telly! LAUGHTER And I don't know this woman, I was like, "You all right?" She was saying, "Have you seen this?" And I thought, "She's going to pull her pants up!" 17 minutes! 17 minutes talking to someone, thinking, "What's happening?!" Carrie, do you like spending time with your family at Christmas? Yes, as long as it's in the morning.
And by morning, at my house, it means about noon for my mother.
No, the important thing I did at Christmas was the Star Wars Christmas Special, which is a punishment from God.
LAUGHTER Was this after the first movie but before the second? When did you film this? We did it before they thought it was going to make any money.
It is really embarrassing, though, it is, and I get to sing in it.
What, do you sing as? We celebrate our day of peace - Lovely.
- # Step into Christmas! # LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I heard you once spent Christmas Day with Michael Jackson.
- Christmas Eve! - Oh, well, I don't want to hear the story, then(!) LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH He wanted his kids to meet Princess Leia.
- When was this? Not recently.
- Well, it weren't last year! LAUGHTER I haven't been sectioned in years! LAUGHTER That's my girl.
- Er, no, not that recently.
- So, you got a call from Michael Jackson? - Yes.
- And is it him on the phone or is it someone going? - It's actually him.
- And he says? Want to come round? And did he own the Neverland Ranch at this stage? - No, no, but I went there too.
- Did you? He had the beginning of Disneyland at his house! It says, "Disneyland," with all flowers, and then there was a train! Oh, yeah, I've seen footage of that, yeah.
Wow.
And then he had rides, and this was for his kids.
And then he had a room that he danced in at night.
ROISIN GIGGLES Don't you laugh! He was a national treasure! But just why the night? Did he have a day dancing room?! - All by himself, dance all night! - "What time is it, half five? "I'm not dancing in there yet.
I'm not a bloody idiot!" - He was very odd.
- Is he the strangest person you've met? Cos you must have met everyone.
- Oh, God, no.
I've met Nixon.
- When did you meet Nixon? My mother's fault, I said to her, "I will not go, I want him impeached.
" She said, "I will take away your credit cards.
" I said, "I'm coming.
" LAUGHTER And it was I was - That sounds like a very functional relationship.
- Oh, it was brilliant.
I was 15 years old, and we went to the White House, and I got a picture sent to me later of Nixon and my mother, and it said, "May all your dreams come true.
" And I wanted to write him, "I dreamt you were impeached.
" - I was such an edgy kid! - You were 15, though? - This is pre-Star Wars and everything! - Pre-hair, so So why did you get invited to the White House? - Her mum's Debbie Reynolds! - My mother's famous.
- Oh, my God, I see! - She is, yeah.
- Debbie Reynolds.
Wh I didn't connect, cos you don't have the same Vibrator.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, let's talk more about spending time with family.
Brad, what's Christmas like in your family? It's very chilled, my dad just kind of falls asleep.
Like, all day, basically.
So it's just me and my dog.
I think people falling asleep Everyone who falls asleep is a win, cos all you need on Christmas is the remote, and everyone is a threat to that, so every time someone goes to sleep I feel a little bit less panicked.
I think, "Good, one down.
" LAUGHTER And the more it goes on, I feel good, cos when everyone's awake you can't leave, it's rude to leave If you say, "I'm going to go in the other room "and watch what I want to watch, cos this is horrendous," you're ruining Christmas.
Can I show you a thing I've invented? So, like, say, James, give me a tap on the shoulder there, like we're in a bar or something like that.
Just give me a Oh, hello, James! How are you? Well, what, oh, what is this, then?! Christmas brings out the worst in you.
Do you know what? You're too young.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know when, like, your relatives get things wrong? My nan once went, "Who's had a kiss under the camel toe?" LAUGHTER OK, let's see if spending time with the family is up there.
Of course! The thing we like most about Christmas is spending time with family.
Nothing beats the feeling you get when your family arrive on Christmas Eve, except the feeling you get when they fuck off again on Boxing Day.
At the end of that round, Rob, Joe and Carrie have two points, Aisling, Roisin, Brad and James have one point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, what do you like the look of? Oh! Oh, well, we've got to go for Princess Leia.
OK, so, because we've got Carrie Fisher on the show, and the new Star Wars film has been released, we asked our audience this evening - What do you think? - Oh, you can't put me in that position! The thing with Star Wars is I've never really got that into Star Wars, I don't like all the reading at the start, I'm not into foreign cinema.
There's a lot to get through, isn't there, at the beginning.
Whatever one I watch, there's that geezer in black with the hump, and the Death Star blows up, don't it? How are they getting the second one insured? - The good Star Wars movies are the ones you're in, right? - Duh! LAUGHTER Do you watch the movies back? Sorry? - Cos I know some people don't - Yes, I show them to my dog.
I don't watch them I don't like seeing myself, but now that it's 40 years later, and that only means that I'm, like, 52, but, er I can watch the earlier ones.
I had a good body.
To be fair, anyone standing next to Jabba The Hutt's going to look decent, ain't they? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was only joking! - I wasn't standing, I was chained to the guy! - I'm sorry.
We've got the picture, I believe, that got me through some difficult teenage years.
- Wow! - I mean, come on.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- APPLAUSE - You look amazing! So have you seen? Have you watched The Force Awakens back? Those are very tough for me, because it turns out I got older.
I had the bad hair in the first one, which I've now grown fond of, er, but now they've given me hair that looks like a baboon ass.
Suddenly, you've got Joe's interest.
You had me at "baboon.
" Joe, do you get excited about the new Star Wars movies? Er, well, let's put it this way, I can't stand up at the moment.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ROISIN: I've never seen Star Wars.
I knew you, but I didn't know anyone else.
- Good! - But Mark Hamill was on Man Down, the sitcom I've done recently.
He did a guest spot.
- Who's Mark Hamill? - He's in Star Wars! - Luke Skywalker! - He's my brother! - LAUGHTER Don't ruin it! Spoiler alert! AISLING: Mark Hamill's in Man Down? He had a guest spot in Man Down, and everyone was super excited cos Mark Hamill was going to be there.
And then I walk around the corner and I see Mark Hamill having a cigarette, and I was just stood there watching, I thought, "Oh, he's caused quite a bit of a scene, this guy," and I'm just looking at him, quite creepily, and Greg Davies, who's the lead, came up and went, "What are you doing, mate?" I went, "Just looking at Mark Hamill.
" He went, "That ain't Mark Hamill! That's the props guy!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Guys, have you seen 'em? - First film I ever watched, yeah.
So, wait, now, you hadn't watched, like, a Disney movie or anything? They put you straight in? - My dad, yeah, straight there.
- That's a hard goer! That's good, though, to do that with your kids, let them go in hard.
War! Space! You know the way you've started eating solids? Here's Schindler's List! LAUGHTER OK, what's more exciting? Going to see a new Star Wars film or waking up on Christmas morning? I used to get sent back to bed cos I used to get up from four.
I love Christmas morning.
It's the best bit, innit? Yeah, you run down, your mum shouts, "Put your clothes on!" I take me jim-jams off, run downstairs! Yeah! LAUGHTER You know what, Joe? It's charming when you're a kid.
Those families that wait till after lunch to open presents.
Oh, they're dead to me! I feel like, how is anyone even talking, and not foaming at the mouth?! They're like, "Oh, right, shall we have a cup of tea?" "What are you on about?! "I don't want tea! I want whatever's the most expensive fucking present!" - You can't have that, cos it's your sister's.
- I know! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, what are you going to go for? I think people get more excited about Star Wars.
OK, and what are you going to go for, Aisling? Well, I mean, waking up on Christmas morning, what's the alternative? Not waking up on Christmas morning? LAUGHTER You make a very strong point.
- I think it would be Star Wars for us.
- It would be for me, yeah.
Oh, we're going to go with the same.
I can tell you, it's close, but 55% of our audience would be more excited to wake up on Christmas morning.
APPLAUSE My favourite Star Wars character is C-3PO, a closeted homosexual robot with no genitals.
It's like looking in a mirror.
So at the end of that round, it's two points for Rob's team and one point for Aisling's team.
That's it for Part Two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.
OK, it's Christmas so let's play a game.
One of this year's top-selling games is Speak Out.
The rules are simple.
You put a mouthpiece in your mouth and you have to speak with it.
- Oh.
What? - Aisling, so if you put one of these in Hang on, there's one for you and I've got some phrases for you.
- Oh, Jesus.
- So all you need to do is read out these phrases - So if you go and stand over there, by Roisin.
- Christmas, Christmas! Celebrate Christmas - It's really hard - INAUDIBLE LAUGHTER - OK.
- Brad, James, Roisin, you've got to guess as many phrases as possible within the time limit.
Your time starts now.
OK.
MUFFLED: - Kicked - the horse kicked? - Bucked.
Bucked? Grandpa.
SPEECH DISTORTED LAUGHTER Not.
.
verymerry Not very Not very many? Yeah! Yes! Merrymeerkats.
- Not very many meerkats.
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas? No! Not very manyMERRY! Very This is the best thing that's ever happened! Notverymany Not very many.
Merry Merry? Yeah! - Merry.
- Meerkats.
- Meerkats.
- Meerkats? - Yes! Not very many merry meerkats.
'Ho ho ho!' Time's up.
That was so funny! I mean, obviously, Rob, you're going to have to do this.
I might need two.
OK.
Wow! Here we go, people.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
Whining about wet weather .
.
in winter.
It's really not fair - he can't read.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Say it - Whining - Not even close, mate.
That's just noise! - Lining? - Lining? - Whining! - Whining? - Yeah! - Whining.
- Atat - Jesus Christ! Whining at wet weather in winter.
Whining at wet weather in winter.
- It's so hot in here now! - OK.
Oh, God! - ROB SHOUTS - Shut up yourself! Go to the next one.
Go to the next one.
My belly Not even My - My - Yeah, I.
- MY! Rye bread.
My! MY! - Rye.
- Rye.
HE SCREAMS THEY SHOUT AT ONCE You should've said that.
- My belly? - Yeah.
- My belly.
- Hurts.
- Hurts.
- From.
- From.
- From? - A.
- A.
- Belly.
- Jelly.
LAUGHTER - He's like a fish! - Belly.
Flop! Flop! Snot? - Flop! - Oh! LAUGHTER 'Ho, ho, ho!' Time's up.
How many How did we do? You got no points.
So the first phrase was, "whining about wet weather in winter.
" And the second was, "my belly hurts from a belly flop.
" Yes.
Flop! Flop! Not even close! So, Aisling's team, you got more, so you get a point! Yes! BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Aisling, Roisin, Brad and James have two points, Rob, Joe and Carrie have two points - it's a draw - everyone's a winner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panel, and to our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home, that's it from us.
Good night and merry Christmas!
It's Carrie Fisher.
Ho, ho, ho, it's Joe Wilkinson.
Their team captain, Rob Beckett.
And facing them tonight Jingle Bell Rock, it's Brad and James from The Vamps.
Roisin around the Christmas tree, it's Roisin Conaty.
And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, a show about opinion polls, surveys, statistics and Christmas.
CHEERING Did you know, for example, the Bible actually gives no date for Jesus's birthday? So, Mary and Joseph probably just said it was December 25th so they didn't have to buy him two sets of presents.
LAUGHTER The average Brit takes 15 hours to finish their Christmas shopping, which begs the question, just how far do they live from the all-night garage? LAUGHTER And 52% of British people eat twice their recommended calorie intake every Christmas Day.
And that fact also works if you remove the word "Christmas".
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three favourite things about Christmas.
Rob, Joe Wilkinson, Carrie Fisher.
- Um.
- Amazing.
- I know.
CHEERING It looks like We can't believe you're here.
We're thrilled.
It looks like It looks that we've shaved a bit of Chewbacca.
LAUGHTER He's off.
You've actually met Joe before, haven't you? Joe is a local in the bar at the beginning of Star Wars.
Seriously I can't do this all night! I am a person.
- Sort of.
- Ha.
That's how I feel.
- Thank you.
- Now I am merchandising! - Exactly.
Rob, what do you think people love about Christmas? I'm quite happy, cos I didn't realise this was a Christmas episode.
I just This was the only thing that was clean.
AISLING: Same, yeah.
Same.
Yeah.
It feels like you got the memo on the Christmas show.
No, no, I didn't.
I asked Costume to provide me with a traditional Irish outfit LAUGHTER Can we see the shoes? Because the shoes, for me The shoes I mean, I would go the other way, but then I'd be flashing the pants No, I'm really into it(!) Happy Christmas(!) LAUGHTER Roisin, look, I've had a shave! APPLAUSE It's great.
It's great.
OK.
So, Rob, favourite things about Christmas.
- What do we think? - Got to be Christmas dinner, isn't it? - Yum, yum.
- I love it.
I'm going to eat so much I have actually put a pacemaker on my Christmas list.
LAUGHTER Carrie, where will you be spending Christmas this year? Where will you be? Where will you be eating your dinner? I think at my mother's house next door.
I mean, that sounds like a nightmare to me.
- You've got the family next door? - Or a reality show that we don't film.
LAUGHTER - Yes.
- And who will cook? Neither one of us.
So I can cook.
- Can you cook? - Isn't that? Yeah.
I learned to cook later on when I find out other people you did these things yourself.
LAUGHTER It's really embarrassing.
Please forgive me.
I didn't raise me.
Would I have done this? LAUGHTER I did not know about that stuff until I was about 16.
So, American Christmas as opposed to British Christmas, are there any differences? Oh no.
LAUGHTER So, do you like the Christmas traditional? I like sweet potatoes with marshmallows all over it.
Carrie, you're an absolute legend, but that sounds fucking disgusting.
LAUGHTER Carrie, food-wise, do you ever get sick of, like, people just going, "Hey, Carrie, two doughnuts!" and like pretending - to be Princess Leia? - I don't get sick of that at all.
- Never? - I beg people to do it.
LAUGHTER I love food hair jokes.
LAUGHTER Good thing you asked.
It was a shot in the dark.
But bull's-eye.
Who knew? Rob, favourite Christmas food? I am not a big fan of cranberry sauce.
I'm like a turkey-cranberry sauce man-to-man marking.
I want it to be 50-50.
Oh, I don't It's got a good PR team, hasn't it, cranberry sauce? In, like, June, if you had roast chicken with jam on it, you'd get sectioned.
I know someone who doesn't like roast potatoes.
Fuck off! LAUGHTER That is mental.
That's like not liking the smell of your own guff.
LAUGHTER - Christmas pudding is rubbish as well.
- Oh, Christmas pudding.
Any food that you have to set fire to - LAUGHTER - .
.
before you eat it can't taste good, can it? AISLING: My auntie has diabetes.
And so my mother last year had to get her a diabetic pudding.
But she went out and came back with a vegetarian pudding because they are both those same, like, newfangled concepts.
You know, vegetarians, diabetics, lesbians, all You know.
She's just, "They're all people who are just fussy "about what they put in their mouth.
" LAUGHTER She makes an excellent point.
APPLAUSE Do you guys all have Christmas dinner together, all the four Vamps? - Absolutely not.
- No.
- What? Do you all go home to your houses? We all go home, have a very normal Christmas.
Yes, it's very boring.
I'm a bit worried about doing the Christmas episode with the Vamps.
You do know Father Christmas isn't real? LAUGHTER They were actually my present to Roisin.
- I felt we could have a Vamp each.
- Thank you.
- Take your pick.
LAUGHTER I am looking to adopt.
LAUGHTER - You did a Christmas album, didn't you? - We did.
- The whole I don't want to embarrass the boys.
I think it was a contractual obligation, because I've got footage of them singing a Christmas song and they were just trying to get through it as quick as possible.
Have a look.
MUSIC Here we go! # We wish you a Merry Christmas # We wish you a Merry Christmas # We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year # Good tidings we bring to you and your king We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! APPLAUSE My favourite Christmas song, and I just cannot get it out of my head - I've only properly heard this year.
You know that Elton John one, Step Into Christmas? - AISLING: No.
- Yes.
But the only words I think he just had that afternoon off.
The only words in it are "Christmas".
# Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Chris, Chris, Christmas # Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
- # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Christmas, Christmas # - Keep going.
# Step into Christmas! Christmas, Christmas, Christmas # Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Step into Christmas.
LAUGHTER Christmas His neck has gone very, very red.
My neck is powering my light-up nipples.
Right, shall we have a look and see if Christmas dinner is one of our favourite things about Christmas? Yes, it is.
Christmas dinner.
LAUGHTER Alternatives to Christmas dinner include goose, reindeer steaks and crying into a microwave lasagne for one.
LAUGHTER OK.
Aisling's team.
What do you think? What else do you think people love about Christmas? - What do you think, Half Of The Vamps? - Presents? - Yeah.
- Presents, yes.
- Bloody kids! It's all they are interested in, isn't it? - What do you boys want for Christmas? - I bought myself something this year.
- What did you buy yourself? - I passed my driving test about - three months ago.
- Oh, really? And everyone was like, "Oh, what are you going to get? "You're in a band.
You're going to get a nice Merc.
" I got a Seat Ibiza.
One previous owner as well.
- One previous owner.
- AISLING: Oh.
Come on.
A man with his feet on the ground.
Wow.
How are you? It makes us feel Because neither myself nor Roisin know how to drive.
How did you? - How long did it take you to learn? - It took me a good four years.
- Four years? - Yes.
- ROB: How old are you? - How old are you? - 21.
- Bollocks.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER - You're not allowed Your provisional is 17, isn't it? - Yeah.
17 plus 4 is LAUGHTER Roisin Conaty, everyone.
LAUGHTER What's the best present you've ever got, Roisin? Just the love of my family.
LAUGHTER Oh, shut up! I This is terrible.
Me and my sister, once we worked out that Santa wasn't real Then who do I work for? LAUGHTER - She has really gone method on this.
I mean - We couldn't We couldn't enjoy Christmas until we'd actually worked out the budget spent on all of the presents.
Christmas was more me opening the presents, going, like, "This is nice.
Let's see how much it cost when I compare it to hers later.
" I had the same argument with my brothers.
Once One year I got, like a hi-fi thing, like a CD-player thing.
And he got a Bosch mobile phone and a Dreamcast.
Mentally more expensive, right? I went, "Mum, that is insane.
That is so much more.
" - I'm getting angry now! - LAUGHTER She went, "No, I spent the same.
" I went, "No, you didn't, Mum.
I've added them up.
You spent more.
" "I spent the same.
" I kept on pushing her and pushing her and pushing her.
And she went, "All right, the Dreamcast was nicked!" LAUGHTER - So - And that's the meaning of Christmas! I don't do presents any more.
I'm done with it.
And people get really upset by it.
I just give money to charity and that's what I do.
- Christ.
- People get I know.
See? - Oh I'll stop you there.
If you want to give to charity, why don't you do it in your own time? LAUGHTER Roisin, I didn't get you anything, OK? OK? Carrie, I don't know how to say this Did your mum get you a vibrator for Christmas? Oh, funny you should ask LAUGHTER She got one for my grandmother and for myself.
And my grandmother refused to use it because she thought it would short-circuit her pacemaker.
LAUGHTER And what do you say when you? Thank you.
LAUGHTER "The Force is strong with this one.
" LAUGHTER OK.
As it's Christmas, I thought I'd give everyone a little pressie.
Yes, please.
Rob, I got you this.
I hope you like it.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells - Wow.
- I just - Oh.
Oh, that's handy, actually, because my other one's run out.
LAUGHTER I have actually got you a present, Jim.
You always look nice, don't you? You've always got a lovely suit on Doesn't he always look nice? - He always - I don't like where this is going.
- No, looks lovely.
So I've got something to help you carry on looking nice.
I've got something for your hair and for your teeth.
LAUGHTER Got some black tile varnish for your nut and somethis for your teeth, if you want to Merry Christmas.
Thank you very much.
Genuinely, you bought me something.
- Joe, you always look - Fabulous.
Borderline homeless.
Borderline! LAUGHTER I I got you this.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells Can you stop making that noise, please, mate? Is your mum proud of you? LAUGHTER Nothing is worth that, mate.
LAUGHTER Oh, right Oh, hello.
Ooh, that is lovely.
That is lovely.
AISLING WOLF-WHISTLES You can go off and try it on.
It's a two-piece.
I don't think I'll go off, mate.
LAUGHTER ROB HUMS The Stripper Oh, Jesus.
WHISTLING AND CHEERING Sorry, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What have you got on? - Pants.
LAUGHTER There Can I just make sure it fits? Don't want to look like a prick.
LAUGHTER AISLING: Lovely.
I'll leave the flies undone, if that's all right with everyone.
That how to chat people up.
When they go, "Your flies are undone," I go, "Now I've got you talking.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Put it around your head.
Like you're at the end of a party.
- Oh, hello.
Yeah.
Pissed up at The Vamps' house.
I'm going to get in somehow, lads.
LAUGHTER AISLING: Yeah.
That is a strong look.
Carrie, obviously, we've got you a gift.
Elf MUSIC: Jingle Bells we know how much you love your dogs, so we got you this.
A dog vibrator? LAUGHTER - That's nice.
- Oh, it's of my dog! That's your dog? AISLING: Oh! His tongue is actually half again too big for his mouth, so it never goes in.
- What's he called? - Gary.
I met a geezer in Ibiza called Gary and his tongue was hanging out like that.
That could mean something totally different.
Yeah, he was off his nut.
LAUGHTER Aisling, obviously, I've got you a gift.
Here you go.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells - "To Aisling, from Jimmy.
" - OK.
If you sort of lift it out, - if you step round the front and step into it - What? - The elves will help.
- Thank you, elves.
Or "my brothers", as I call them.
The whole family is here.
It's an inflatable unicorn.
What? So how do I? ROB: This is amazing.
Pull that up around your waist, tuck in the back of that - yeah, perfect - and inflate.
Oh! It's a little pony! - It's a unicorn.
- And it blows? Oh, God, I can feel the air going up my LAUGHTER - Oh.
- It's not the only thing it's inflating Looks like you're really enjoying yourself.
Is this what it's like to be a man all the time? "All right, ladies.
Yes! "I'm going to rule the world.
Don't even have to do anything.
"Yeah, I can say what I want.
"Grab her by the pussy - doesn't matter.
I can still be President.
" LAUGHTER Thank you.
Well, Jimmy, I didn't want to leave you without a present.
- Right.
- I was working on a little painting, actually, and I just - It's - You've done us a picture? It's just something for your mansion.
Um, it's just a little painting.
It's just something I did from memory.
And it's just a little LAUGHTER I think you've got the wrong JC in the manger, but I like it.
- I think this is way it should be.
Ting! - Ting! LAUGHTER I'll just I'll pop that there.
The Vamps, I got you these.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells So, Brad, open yours.
What have you got? Just hold it up.
What's Happening To Me? LAUGHTER Could you just read out what's on the front? - "How do I shave?" - Yeah.
- You're not going to need that for a while.
- I still don't shave.
"When will my voice break?" LAUGHTER Hopefully! And "What's a wet dream?" LAUGHTER - Thank you very much.
- No problem at all.
- You're like a father to me.
Now, I don't want to make Carrie too jealous, but I have a guitar vibrator, by the looks of things.
- It's an infrared guitar, so you can strum it - Oh, nice.
HE PLAYS A FEW NOTES Sing us a song, come on.
# Oh, Roisin, you're great # You're my pal # Don't go changing You're the best gal.
Joe, you look fit We've got The Vamps here.
They could sing! LAUGHTER What are you two doing? I thought maybe they were going to do LAUGHTER Roisin didn't forget you.
Got you a lovely gift.
- I should think so.
- Yeah.
MUSIC: Jingle Bells I reckon you'll like this.
Just careful opening it.
"Made in China.
" Yes, please.
My absolute favourite.
I like them.
- You're going to love this.
Just open it.
- You've got a double entry.
What's going on? OK, it comes with MUSIC: Jingle Bells So you can drink direct from the bottle - Oh, thank you.
- Oh, you put it straight in the? I mean, that's the most troubling thing I've ever seen.
You have to open the bottle, Roisin.
Go on, take a swig.
JOE: I feel the glass is just getting in the way.
Is it meant to be as glamorous as this(?) LAUGHTER New low, Rois.
LAUGHTER More than had enough.
OK.
Let's have a look and see if Christmas presents are up there.
Yes, it's Christmas presents.
There's nothing that shows your gratitude for a gift more than those three magic words "Got the receipt?" LAUGHTER That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, where we're still trying to guess the nation's favourite things about Christmas.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZ - What do you think? - Is it, erm, spending time with family? Are you? How much time is enough with your family, what do you think? Just Christmas Day.
No, it's fun, though, innit? It's weird, though, cos even though you hate them, it is still fun.
I do like that thing on Christmas Day, you know when you go round a relative's house and they spend the first four hours pretending that they haven't invited you.
LAUGHTER And then they won't let you in.
Until you climb in through the kitchen window.
And even then they start screaming.
We do, erm, er, we've recently started doing "Bring a stranger to Christmas," which may I recommend for everyone? Just bring a stranger, like, someone you know roughly, like, - don't just bring - No way.
I've been stung too many times.
Once my mum invited a lady for Christmas dinner! I went into my hallway, and it was probably about seven or eight o'clock in the evening, - and then I walked back in! - SHE LAUGHS Sorry! I walked back into the front room, she had the remote control in her hands, her top was still on, but her pants were down! And she was just stood there in her knickers, and her jeans down! Why do you think, why did she? She was going to get changed, cos she was going to stay the night, so she was going to get changed and got caught up with the telly! LAUGHTER And I don't know this woman, I was like, "You all right?" She was saying, "Have you seen this?" And I thought, "She's going to pull her pants up!" 17 minutes! 17 minutes talking to someone, thinking, "What's happening?!" Carrie, do you like spending time with your family at Christmas? Yes, as long as it's in the morning.
And by morning, at my house, it means about noon for my mother.
No, the important thing I did at Christmas was the Star Wars Christmas Special, which is a punishment from God.
LAUGHTER Was this after the first movie but before the second? When did you film this? We did it before they thought it was going to make any money.
It is really embarrassing, though, it is, and I get to sing in it.
What, do you sing as? We celebrate our day of peace - Lovely.
- # Step into Christmas! # LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I heard you once spent Christmas Day with Michael Jackson.
- Christmas Eve! - Oh, well, I don't want to hear the story, then(!) LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH He wanted his kids to meet Princess Leia.
- When was this? Not recently.
- Well, it weren't last year! LAUGHTER I haven't been sectioned in years! LAUGHTER That's my girl.
- Er, no, not that recently.
- So, you got a call from Michael Jackson? - Yes.
- And is it him on the phone or is it someone going? - It's actually him.
- And he says? Want to come round? And did he own the Neverland Ranch at this stage? - No, no, but I went there too.
- Did you? He had the beginning of Disneyland at his house! It says, "Disneyland," with all flowers, and then there was a train! Oh, yeah, I've seen footage of that, yeah.
Wow.
And then he had rides, and this was for his kids.
And then he had a room that he danced in at night.
ROISIN GIGGLES Don't you laugh! He was a national treasure! But just why the night? Did he have a day dancing room?! - All by himself, dance all night! - "What time is it, half five? "I'm not dancing in there yet.
I'm not a bloody idiot!" - He was very odd.
- Is he the strangest person you've met? Cos you must have met everyone.
- Oh, God, no.
I've met Nixon.
- When did you meet Nixon? My mother's fault, I said to her, "I will not go, I want him impeached.
" She said, "I will take away your credit cards.
" I said, "I'm coming.
" LAUGHTER And it was I was - That sounds like a very functional relationship.
- Oh, it was brilliant.
I was 15 years old, and we went to the White House, and I got a picture sent to me later of Nixon and my mother, and it said, "May all your dreams come true.
" And I wanted to write him, "I dreamt you were impeached.
" - I was such an edgy kid! - You were 15, though? - This is pre-Star Wars and everything! - Pre-hair, so So why did you get invited to the White House? - Her mum's Debbie Reynolds! - My mother's famous.
- Oh, my God, I see! - She is, yeah.
- Debbie Reynolds.
Wh I didn't connect, cos you don't have the same Vibrator.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, let's talk more about spending time with family.
Brad, what's Christmas like in your family? It's very chilled, my dad just kind of falls asleep.
Like, all day, basically.
So it's just me and my dog.
I think people falling asleep Everyone who falls asleep is a win, cos all you need on Christmas is the remote, and everyone is a threat to that, so every time someone goes to sleep I feel a little bit less panicked.
I think, "Good, one down.
" LAUGHTER And the more it goes on, I feel good, cos when everyone's awake you can't leave, it's rude to leave If you say, "I'm going to go in the other room "and watch what I want to watch, cos this is horrendous," you're ruining Christmas.
Can I show you a thing I've invented? So, like, say, James, give me a tap on the shoulder there, like we're in a bar or something like that.
Just give me a Oh, hello, James! How are you? Well, what, oh, what is this, then?! Christmas brings out the worst in you.
Do you know what? You're too young.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know when, like, your relatives get things wrong? My nan once went, "Who's had a kiss under the camel toe?" LAUGHTER OK, let's see if spending time with the family is up there.
Of course! The thing we like most about Christmas is spending time with family.
Nothing beats the feeling you get when your family arrive on Christmas Eve, except the feeling you get when they fuck off again on Boxing Day.
At the end of that round, Rob, Joe and Carrie have two points, Aisling, Roisin, Brad and James have one point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, what do you like the look of? Oh! Oh, well, we've got to go for Princess Leia.
OK, so, because we've got Carrie Fisher on the show, and the new Star Wars film has been released, we asked our audience this evening - What do you think? - Oh, you can't put me in that position! The thing with Star Wars is I've never really got that into Star Wars, I don't like all the reading at the start, I'm not into foreign cinema.
There's a lot to get through, isn't there, at the beginning.
Whatever one I watch, there's that geezer in black with the hump, and the Death Star blows up, don't it? How are they getting the second one insured? - The good Star Wars movies are the ones you're in, right? - Duh! LAUGHTER Do you watch the movies back? Sorry? - Cos I know some people don't - Yes, I show them to my dog.
I don't watch them I don't like seeing myself, but now that it's 40 years later, and that only means that I'm, like, 52, but, er I can watch the earlier ones.
I had a good body.
To be fair, anyone standing next to Jabba The Hutt's going to look decent, ain't they? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was only joking! - I wasn't standing, I was chained to the guy! - I'm sorry.
We've got the picture, I believe, that got me through some difficult teenage years.
- Wow! - I mean, come on.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- APPLAUSE - You look amazing! So have you seen? Have you watched The Force Awakens back? Those are very tough for me, because it turns out I got older.
I had the bad hair in the first one, which I've now grown fond of, er, but now they've given me hair that looks like a baboon ass.
Suddenly, you've got Joe's interest.
You had me at "baboon.
" Joe, do you get excited about the new Star Wars movies? Er, well, let's put it this way, I can't stand up at the moment.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ROISIN: I've never seen Star Wars.
I knew you, but I didn't know anyone else.
- Good! - But Mark Hamill was on Man Down, the sitcom I've done recently.
He did a guest spot.
- Who's Mark Hamill? - He's in Star Wars! - Luke Skywalker! - He's my brother! - LAUGHTER Don't ruin it! Spoiler alert! AISLING: Mark Hamill's in Man Down? He had a guest spot in Man Down, and everyone was super excited cos Mark Hamill was going to be there.
And then I walk around the corner and I see Mark Hamill having a cigarette, and I was just stood there watching, I thought, "Oh, he's caused quite a bit of a scene, this guy," and I'm just looking at him, quite creepily, and Greg Davies, who's the lead, came up and went, "What are you doing, mate?" I went, "Just looking at Mark Hamill.
" He went, "That ain't Mark Hamill! That's the props guy!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Guys, have you seen 'em? - First film I ever watched, yeah.
So, wait, now, you hadn't watched, like, a Disney movie or anything? They put you straight in? - My dad, yeah, straight there.
- That's a hard goer! That's good, though, to do that with your kids, let them go in hard.
War! Space! You know the way you've started eating solids? Here's Schindler's List! LAUGHTER OK, what's more exciting? Going to see a new Star Wars film or waking up on Christmas morning? I used to get sent back to bed cos I used to get up from four.
I love Christmas morning.
It's the best bit, innit? Yeah, you run down, your mum shouts, "Put your clothes on!" I take me jim-jams off, run downstairs! Yeah! LAUGHTER You know what, Joe? It's charming when you're a kid.
Those families that wait till after lunch to open presents.
Oh, they're dead to me! I feel like, how is anyone even talking, and not foaming at the mouth?! They're like, "Oh, right, shall we have a cup of tea?" "What are you on about?! "I don't want tea! I want whatever's the most expensive fucking present!" - You can't have that, cos it's your sister's.
- I know! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, what are you going to go for? I think people get more excited about Star Wars.
OK, and what are you going to go for, Aisling? Well, I mean, waking up on Christmas morning, what's the alternative? Not waking up on Christmas morning? LAUGHTER You make a very strong point.
- I think it would be Star Wars for us.
- It would be for me, yeah.
Oh, we're going to go with the same.
I can tell you, it's close, but 55% of our audience would be more excited to wake up on Christmas morning.
APPLAUSE My favourite Star Wars character is C-3PO, a closeted homosexual robot with no genitals.
It's like looking in a mirror.
So at the end of that round, it's two points for Rob's team and one point for Aisling's team.
That's it for Part Two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.
OK, it's Christmas so let's play a game.
One of this year's top-selling games is Speak Out.
The rules are simple.
You put a mouthpiece in your mouth and you have to speak with it.
- Oh.
What? - Aisling, so if you put one of these in Hang on, there's one for you and I've got some phrases for you.
- Oh, Jesus.
- So all you need to do is read out these phrases - So if you go and stand over there, by Roisin.
- Christmas, Christmas! Celebrate Christmas - It's really hard - INAUDIBLE LAUGHTER - OK.
- Brad, James, Roisin, you've got to guess as many phrases as possible within the time limit.
Your time starts now.
OK.
MUFFLED: - Kicked - the horse kicked? - Bucked.
Bucked? Grandpa.
SPEECH DISTORTED LAUGHTER Not.
.
verymerry Not very Not very many? Yeah! Yes! Merrymeerkats.
- Not very many meerkats.
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas? No! Not very manyMERRY! Very This is the best thing that's ever happened! Notverymany Not very many.
Merry Merry? Yeah! - Merry.
- Meerkats.
- Meerkats.
- Meerkats? - Yes! Not very many merry meerkats.
'Ho ho ho!' Time's up.
That was so funny! I mean, obviously, Rob, you're going to have to do this.
I might need two.
OK.
Wow! Here we go, people.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
Whining about wet weather .
.
in winter.
It's really not fair - he can't read.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Say it - Whining - Not even close, mate.
That's just noise! - Lining? - Lining? - Whining! - Whining? - Yeah! - Whining.
- Atat - Jesus Christ! Whining at wet weather in winter.
Whining at wet weather in winter.
- It's so hot in here now! - OK.
Oh, God! - ROB SHOUTS - Shut up yourself! Go to the next one.
Go to the next one.
My belly Not even My - My - Yeah, I.
- MY! Rye bread.
My! MY! - Rye.
- Rye.
HE SCREAMS THEY SHOUT AT ONCE You should've said that.
- My belly? - Yeah.
- My belly.
- Hurts.
- Hurts.
- From.
- From.
- From? - A.
- A.
- Belly.
- Jelly.
LAUGHTER - He's like a fish! - Belly.
Flop! Flop! Snot? - Flop! - Oh! LAUGHTER 'Ho, ho, ho!' Time's up.
How many How did we do? You got no points.
So the first phrase was, "whining about wet weather in winter.
" And the second was, "my belly hurts from a belly flop.
" Yes.
Flop! Flop! Not even close! So, Aisling's team, you got more, so you get a point! Yes! BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Aisling, Roisin, Brad and James have two points, Rob, Joe and Carrie have two points - it's a draw - everyone's a winner! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to our panel, and to our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home, that's it from us.
Good night and merry Christmas!