8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e06 Episode Script
Chris Kamara, Tom Davies, James Acaster, Tiff Stevenson
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, he's football crazy, he's football mad.
It's Chris Kamara! Who's that funny boy there? It's James Acaster! Their team captain, Rob Beckett! And facing them tonight, having it large, it's Tom Davis! She's a stand-out gal.
It's Tiff Stevenson! And their team captain, Aisling Bea! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion poll surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 15% of people say carbon monoxide detectors are too expensive? "Yeah, I love my kids, but not 12 quids' worth.
" One in three horses in the UK are lame.
So, you might think horses are cool, but actually, a third of them are pretty lame.
And 40% of people in Middlesbrough say they would not buy a property without a front garden.
Of course.
They need somewhere to keep their fridge.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It is our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Aisling's team, what do you think - the nation will be talking about this week? - Article 50.
Ah, my head is sore.
I think, basically, the MPs voted in favour of triggering Article 50, but that is just an advisory vote, not legally binding.
So was the referendum.
That wasn't legally binding.
So now, it has gone to the Supreme Court and they are going to debate it out and vote on whether that vote should go ahead or not.
If it doesn't go in favour of the vote, there is going to be another vote on that vote.
I am really glad, after the Brexit vote, we are way out the complications of the EU.
- Everything is so much simpler now(!) - I think, they are answering, basically, the Supreme Court are answering the question that has been huge the last year - can Brexit get any more boring? It turned out - yes, it can! Is it going to be a hard or a soft Brexit, was one of the questions.
Also, the red, white and blue Brexit.
It's just getting ridiculous.
It's like Theresa has had word vomit.
I've got the clip of Theresa May.
Good luck.
Good luck with this.
People talk about the sort of Brexit that there is going to be.
Is it hard, soft? Is it, grey, white? Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.
That is, the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.
LAUGHTER Oh, OK.
Fine.
We want a Brexit that looks a bit like bunting.
Huh? This Supreme Court thing.
I can't believe how quick it has been.
They say they are going to have a decision in four days.
I faked whiplash in 2010.
I have only just got paid.
APPLAUSE Four days for the hearing and then a decision in January, I think.
It's crazy, though.
It's Gina Miller, isn't it? Basically, she has taken the government to court.
It's a bit of a bold move.
Imagine ringing up, "Injury Lawyers 4U?" "Yeah.
I definitely want, no win, no fee.
" Chris Kamara, the whole Brexit thing? - Go ahead.
I know you have got - I don't know anything about politics.
- I have to be honest with you.
- No! I have seen you on Sky.
You do not know a lot about football, either.
APPLAUSE I'm looking at this politics thing and they are saying left-wingers and right-wingers.
Well, I played with a few.
And I kicked a few, as well.
- James, what do you make of this? - The whole Brexit thing has upset me.
I am trying to be more positive now.
I voted Remain and I want to see more things in common with the two sides, rather than getting angry.
People like Boris Johnson, he recently referred to London as "a great, jiving, funkapolitan melting pot.
" Which is also what I say.
And I liked that.
- Do you know what, Jimmy? - Yes, James.
I will say this, Jimmy Carr.
I have imagined this moment for so long that I don't know if it is really happening or not.
I normally sit in my room talking to Jimmy, just imagining how well we'd get on and How Jimmy would laugh at my jokes and look in my eyes while I talk about Brexit.
Do you want me to take this off? Make it more real? No.
CHRIS: Keep it on! It's quite a gearshift for me, wherever I look.
You have got Kammy here, quite a chilled-out guy, and then, James - complexed.
LAUGHTER If I am not mistaken, that is the nicest thing that has ever been said about James.
Quite complexed.
It's the nicest thing that has ever been said about me.
You don't see that, do you, very often, Kammy? Have some of that! I'm doing that every day now.
Every time something good happens to me, I am doing that.
LAUGHTER There is a bit of team spirit over here.
I know.
We need to I am going to be out of rhythm here.
- Two to the left, two to the right.
- Right.
- Oh, Tom! - You're going the wrong way.
- We're going to go left first for two, - right for two.
- This goes back to school discos, when everyone was dancing and I was hanging out with the girls.
None of the boys - wanted to talk to me.
- Cos you're so tall.
Stand up.
Tom.
- Tom is.
Yeah.
He is - Bring on the freak show.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I feel bad now.
It actually feels like Mean Girls.
Oh, no, Tom! Don't be like that! Do people do that thing they do to people - "You could be a basketball player"? - Yeah, that one comes up a lot.
- To girls - "You could be a model".
Or the anger of people, turning round, when we lose at rugby, "You should be fucking out there!" I can't catch, I can't run! "You think this is bad, if I was out there it would be even worse!" My friend was really tall and people would use him as a place to meet by.
"I'm going to get myself a drink.
I will meet you back by that tall man - "over there.
" - I have had it - Are you saying Tom is a muster point? I've had it at festivals.
I have, literally, been standing next to the dance tent and someone has gone on the phone, "You can't miss me, I'm next to the big fella next to the dance tent.
" Am I mean to stand there?! "I am obliged to stand here now, till your friend gets here.
" The worst thing is, you could have actual people coming up, saying, "Where's Tony? He said to meet me at you.
" "Fucking leaks are here, join in the fucking page.
" Terrible.
OK, let's see if Brexit is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Brexit.
The case for Brexit has been presented to the Supreme Court.
If it gets through, the next stage is judges' houses.
Then, if the judges can't decide, Dermot O'Leary takes it to Deadlock.
OK, what else has the nation been talking about? Is it, they are banning adverts.
Well, children's adverts.
- No, let me start again.
- You are not allowed to advertise children - anymore.
- You're not allowed to sell children anymore.
No more selling children.
The people have spoken and they've had enough! APPLAUSE This is the will of the people, Jimmy.
No more buying kids.
Put your wallet away.
You make me sick.
Make me sick so much, Jimmy Carr.
Is it on the board? APPLAUSE Yeah, so you can't buy kids.
They've banned online adverts for junk food for kids so it doesn't encourage kids to eat it, but I don't think it's going to work.
They don't advertise online weed and laughing gas but they're bang into that.
I don't think it will make any difference because - It's online adverts, isn't it? - Yes.
- They've already banned the TV ads, I think.
- Have they? Good on 'em.
This is slightly complicated for me, I am for them getting rid of the advertising for children but I actually put myself through university doing a McDonald's advert, and I was in this McDonald's advert where I had to basically horse my tongue into this youngfella - kissing in Ireland - for like ages, then find a euro in his back pocket and go "Mmm," and I'd spend that euro on burgers.
I was like, "No-one will see this advert, it's going to be grand.
" There's one bus stop in the town that I'm from and I ended up on the bus stop going "Mmm!" And then obviously someone wrote, "Aisling's a slut" on it, which, you know, was a fair enough review at the time.
But then you know what my mother did, my mother went in in the middle of the night with a bottle of Jif and a J-cloth and wiped it off.
- That's a sweet story.
- Isn't that a sweet story, Tom? We've all had our struggles, babes.
I feel a real affinity.
She shouldn't have written it in the first place.
APPLAUSE It's her own fault.
I think the adverts are a little bit persuasive, like the Caramel Bunny, I'd buy anything she's selling.
She was my first crush, the Caramel Bunny.
Under that tree.
Since you brought that up, I was watching this cartoon, right? And no-one's ever heard of this cartoon before.
It's about an egg.
And you like the cartoon egg? Well, there was a boy egg and a girl egg, and to begin with, I didn't fancy either of them.
And then the girl egg is walking away from the boy, cos he fancies her, and she doesn't want anything to do with him, and then she fell into a pot of boiling hot water and then she came out and - spoiler alert - she was hot.
She was so foxy.
It's the first time I ever remember thinking in my head, "I want to bang that egg.
" APPLAUSE What do you make of these fast-food adverts aimed specifically at kids? I don't like the idea of banning them because they're talking about banning the Honey Monster, Ronald McDonald and Tony the Tiger, and these were so much a part of my childhood when I was growing up, that all of my dating choices have been based on these men.
- Oh, really? - Yeah! Honey Monster's taken an interest.
There's the hairy one, the comedian with the big red nose who had a drinking problem and then there was that guy with really bad fake tan who would say "They're gr-r-reat!" every time I would show him my boobs.
Hey, I did it really well.
"They're gr-r-reat!" It's not fake, though.
APPLAUSE I don't know what just happened.
I'm not sure.
I think the drugs have just kicked in.
I can tell you the ban on junk food ads is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
Junk food ads aimed at children are to be banned online.
A study has found a third of children is obese, and that third is hanging over the top of their trousers.
OK, fingers on buzzers, two more to get.
Aisling, what do you think? I think it is the news about robots, that robots are set to steal 15 million jobs from British people, and as an immigrant I'm like, "Oh, great, a new scapegoat!" This is the news the Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney has warned that robots could take over half of Britain's jobs.
Robots aren't going to take all jobs though.
They can't.
Like life guards.
You wouldn't be comfortable going swimming, a little rusty fella looking at you.
Chris, do you think anyone could ever replace you? It would be impossible for a robot to replace me.
No, because they'd know what was going on.
- Are you worried about your job, James? - Yes, I'm very worried.
Yeah.
Absolutely, Jimmy.
- What is it you do again? - I'm a stand-up comedian.
They've already started.
I turned up to a gig the other day and the promoter was like, "Unlucky, mate, you've been replaced.
" And I looked in - it was Sir Killalot.
Just on stage, absolutely ripping it.
They were all laughing at him, very funny, actually.
To his credit a very funny man.
And afterwards I went up and said, "What are you doing?" He was like, "Speak to my agent.
" I turned round, it was Optimus Prime.
I think the message is, the machines give you, there are lessons to be had there.
Sometimes I'll get my Oyster card, I'll tap it on the machine and it'll come up with the message, incomplete journey.
I'll be like, "Wow, I just wanted to get to Tottenham Court Road but you gave me spiritual advice.
" I can't wait to see the driverless cars, I can't wait to see robots driving cars, and they'll be like ROBOTIC VOICE: .
.
you'll never believe who I had in the car last week.
This is one of the things, They think all cabbies will be out of work because they'll have driverless cars.
- I've been in a driverless car.
- I got in a taxi and the geezer had one of these new hybrid electronic cars and we hit the motorway and then he completely turned to me and went, "What's wrong with you? You all right?" "Oh, Jesus!" "Don't worry about the car.
"It's self-drive, it's a Tesla.
" I said, "All right," so I'm panicking but he was very cool and very relaxed, I talked about life, it was actually one of the best conversations I've ever had.
But I was terrified.
So the other extraordinary thing.
Mark Carney saying half the jobs in Britain could go to robots and one of the things is checkouts, so Amazon have got this new shop where they don't need a checkout.
Take a look.
Use the Amazon Go app to enter.
Then put away your phone and start shopping.
When you leave, our Just Walk Out technology adds up your virtual cart and charges your Amazon account.
Your receipt is sent straight to the app and you can keep going.
APPLAUSE They're calling it Just Walk Out technology.
There's already a trial running in Liverpool.
That's actually harder work than actual Amazon.
Actual Amazon you just sit on your sofa and do it.
Basically they're making you work in a warehouse and drive it home.
APPLAUSE I can tell you that robots taking British jobs is not up there.
Yes, the Governor of the Bank of England has warned that robots will steal 15 million jobs in Britain.
No, we won't.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Aisling.
I'm A Celebrity ended, Scarlett Moffatt won and our good pal Joel Dommett, ever the gent, came behind a woman, very much like in his sex tape.
- He's one of our pals, genuinely.
Do you know Joel? - Yeah, I know Joel.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Love Joel Dommett.
But - .
.
at the end of that show - Yeah.
He was asked what he thought of Scarlett Moffatt, and bearing in mind I've known him for nine years, he said Scarlett Moffatt was the best person he had ever met in his entire life.
He was with her for three weeks in the jungle, she's rocketing up the charts.
- Do you reckon you're in the top ten? - Yeah, I'd like I mean, I've known Kammy for one show, he's already in my top five.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Shall we take a look at Joel Dommett in the jungle? Goat penis and testicles.
Wow.
- Do you want to start at the tip and work your way down? - LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Is that down already? - Oh, yeah, well done.
- Oh, you like that.
Don't think about it, Joel.
Oh, it's really horrible.
- It's not a penis.
It's not a penis.
- It is.
- It is.
- It is a penis.
- It was a penis, wasn't it? - It was a penis, yeah.
- Oh, guys! Sort of nailed that, didn't he? Two men instructing another man how to eat a penis on live television - feminism has won! I was quite proud of how Joel handled his sex tape news.
His sex tape leaked, which was very unfortunate, but I'm - Cos I'm actually developing a sex tape at the moment.
- Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am, actually.
Yeah, no, I'm taking my time with it.
You've been in for a couple of auditions, haven't you? Yeah, it's been fun.
I'm not actually involved in the sex, I'm just sort of like Tom's the guy that you go, "Let's have sex, meet by the tall guy.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE - What did you think of Scarlett Moffatt as well? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, she knew how to do it.
I think she was on a grift, wasn't she? - She was what? - She was on a grift! On a grift? What is on a grift? Well, she's watched it all her life since she was ten, so she's almost been schooled to win it.
- If she'd lost it she'd have had to really mess up.
- Yeah.
A grift is like a scam.
Like, where they come in and they say NEW YORK ACCENT: "You buy ten of these, "then we sell two back to a friend.
"And then Charlie round the corner, he's going to get one of those too.
" And then somebody ends up with a bullet to the head, and that is a grift, ladies and gentlemen.
That is the worst cockney accent I've ever heard.
I really liked her though cos I liked the fact that she looked so beautiful afterwards.
Like, she had no make-up on and stuff.
It did remind me, the amount of The amount of effort we put in, you'll never actually know.
You're curling your eyelashes, you're dyeing your skin, you're plumping up your boobs, you're pulling on your Spanx, you're getting at the hair, you're doing the hair here, you go "bffffft!" downstairs, hacking away, trying to get rid of it so someone can get their head in there.
- You're doing all this - LAUGHTER .
.
then you come downstairs and you go, "Well, how do I look?" and he's like, "You always look beautiful to me," and you're like, "Fuck you!" APPLAUSE Tom, would you go into the jungle? Erm, yeah, I mean, I think you have a bit of a I'd like to mix it up in there.
Everyone got on really, really well, right? I'd have liked to have come back from the Bush Telegraph and everyone's getting on and they're having a laugh, and go I've just spoke to the Bush Telegraph and we've got to kill Martin.
APPLAUSE No, really, Oscar-worthy shit.
Let's have a look and see if I'm A Celebrity's up there.
Yes, it's I'm A Celebrity.
I'm A Celebrity finished after three amazing weeks.
During the eating trials, contestants had to eat things like camel nipples, cockroaches and pig genitals.
No wonder Scarlett Moffatt was good at it - that's pretty much the ingredients of every Newcastle kebab.
Scarlett tried to cross a cockroach with a bloodsucker - and she came up with a bloodroach.
Come on, Charlotte Scarlett, you can do better than that! - You got the name wrong, didn't you? - What? - You said Charlotte instead of Scarlett - Oh, yeah.
.
.
and there was no punchline, I think.
It sounded good to me! There isn't a punchline! OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
- What do you think, Rob? - Is it Planet Earth II? I mean, it's been incredible, hasn't it? I was a bit obsessed with it, I love it.
It's quality, isn't innit? Do you know what my favourite bit of Planet Earth II was? I liked it, at one point, they crossed a bloodsucker with a cockroach And they came up with a cocksucker, there's the line for you! Well, let's treat ourselves to a clip from Planet Earth II.
This is basically the animal equivalent of The Bourne Identity.
Check it out.
'There are 15 males in this bachelor group.
'The alpha must evict every single one of them from his territory.
' MONKEY BARKS 'Finally, he manages to expel them all.
' That is amazing, impressive, but that's what they are built to do, so do they watch, like, a single parent trying to take three kids to Spain on a plane? My God, how's he carrying all the bags? How's he getting them through passport control? One kid's being sick, one's crying, one wants some food.
I think sometimes, we should be happy at how amazing we are.
Yeah, so basically, what you're saying is, the animal kingdom - meh! Meh - yeah.
Yeah, I'll tell you who's doing very well - humans.
Also, what buildings were they jumping between? Did they build them? No.
People go, oh, that cost millions to make, millions to make Well, not them, they paid them peanuts.
You know they had a GoPro attached, so to get the flight of one of the eagles, the wild eagles, they had a moving camera attached to one of the trained eagles.
Can you imagine how shit that eagle must feel? People moaning, "I can't believe they got "a trained eagle to do that, rather than a wild one.
" I was like, oh, why don't you go to the Himalayas and talk to a real eagle see if you can convince it to fly a camera down the mountain? Reckon they mugged him off a bit? The other eagles? They knew that he wasn't one of them.
"Look at this prick.
" "We haven't seen you around here before.
" "No, I'm a trained eagle.
" "Wanker.
Prick.
What are you here for?!" "Filming, I'm doing some filming with a camera crew.
" "What camera crew?" OK, let's see if Planet Earth II is one of the most talked about things.
So, those were the nation's most popular talking points.
But in other news, this week, a clip of an Australian man rescuing his dog from a kangaroo went viral.
Take a look.
Let it go! But, in fairness, you'll find that kangaroo had every right to be upset - Scarlett Moffatt had just eaten his bollocks.
I feel like that's peak Australian, I feel like that's the equivalent of me throwing a potato at a leprechaun during a Westlife reunion concert.
So, at the end of round, Rob, James and Chris have no points, Aisling, Tom and Tiff have three points.
CHEERING That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, James, Chris, what do you like the look of? - The skydiving man looks quite fun.
- OK, you picked the skydiver.
Most people wish their life was more exciting.
True or false? Chris, I know live TV can be an incredibly exciting thing.
Let's take a look at you in action.
Is there any way back for Fulham against Middlesbrough? Well, they're trying, Jeff.
The striker has got Healey one side of him and there's a header! It's a goal.
It's a goal, Jeff.
He's running away.
He's playing on.
Sorry, my monitor's down again.
I'm looking over my shoulder.
I don't know if he's given it.
Has he given it? Oh, this is hard.
No, the referee hasn't given it, either.
I don't really know what's happening, Jeff!.
Could be, could be not.
- Pretty quality.
- I love that.
- You see, robots could never do that.
- Did you have a bad neck? No, my monitor was down, so I had to keep looking Oh, yeah, I know you had to keep looking at the game but you're allowed to move your head and not your entire body.
You were like a kangaroo having a fight.
As you know, us TV people are wired with are wired for sound and everything so You know we're all wearing microphones now and we can That's a bullshit excuse.
We're on telly right now and we can all look around without doing this.
- Do you find it scary, doing live TV? - No.
- Not at all.
- No.
- No, OK.
Is it more nerve-racking when you're playing football? Did you ever get nervous then? Especially when they had to get across him.
So most people wish their life was more exciting.
True or false? - What do you think? - I don't think your life could be more exciting.
- It couldn't.
- I bet you're absolutely loving life.
Played football, became a coach, became a manager, doing the TV.
- Sorry, were you a manager? - I was a manager.
- What were they thinking? - Who were you the manager of? - It was only Morrisons.
Yoghurt.
- Go on.
Who did you manage? - Bradford City and Stoke City? So, how did they do with you at the helm? OK at Bradford, don't speak to anybody at Stoke.
- James, do you wish your life was more exciting? - No, I'm pretty good.
I was a footballer, became a coach, became a manager, Now I'm on the telly.
I'm fine.
The thing is, nothing's as exciting as when you're a kid, is it? The most exciting thing is when you're the little and your parents hold each arm and lift you and swing you back and forwards.
That's the most fun you ever have, isn't it? I've been trying to set it up.
I've been ringing you and Greg Davies for weeks.
You can make your life more exciting as an adult.
Take a look at this clip.
This is a woman trying to make her boyfriend's life more exciting by waking him up.
Oh, my God! I mean, he's got post-traumatic stress from that.
That's a bit much, isn't it? I don't I don't think that would be exciting.
Like, if I try and do a lot more exciting, I have a yoghurt without a spoon.
Aisling, could your life be more exciting? The odd time I do try to spice things up, like, sometimes before I go to bed, I throw a few marbles on the floor, so when I come out at night, I'm.
I always think that I want more excitement and then when it happens, I sort of regret it.
Like, there was this time I went to Cyprus on holiday, I was 19 and I thought it would be a good idea to go on one of those waterslides, so that was the exciting thing.
But the outcome was, I got an unexpected enema.
So the water The water goes up one way, so your bikini bottoms, tight, everything is all good, I'm going down and then I come off this way, the water gushes back up this way, like, full force and I was like, "Oh, that was a bit tricksy!" And then I get out and there's a bunch of guys, like, staring, talking about me and I was like, "They think I'm fit," I thought I was the hot shit and I literally was.
It was running down my legs, so that's Oh, that's the bit that's disgusting, is it? OK.
Yes.
Yes.
The shit running down your leg is the bit that's disgusting.
Yeah.
How could you How could you think that wasn't the disgusting bit? OK, so let's get some answers on this.
Most people wish their life was more exciting.
- True or false? What are you going to go for, Rob? - I think false.
- What do you think, Chris? - False as well.
- You're false as well.
- So we're going to go false.
- Go with the team spirit.
Team spirit.
- Aisling, what do you think? - We also have to go with the team.
- What do you think? - I reckon false.
- What do you think? - Yeah, I think people are happy.
- Yeah? - I think people are happy.
We're going to go false.
Thanks very much.
- You're breaking my heart.
- I thought that was good.
Thank you, Chris.
That was terrible commentary.
It was awful, mate, did you not see it? Your left arm could be doing with a little bit higher - and your right arm just a little bit lower.
- Strictly judge next year.
Imagine him as a Strictly judge.
"Unbelievable! "10! "The way you turned "Smooth!" Well, I can tell you, the answer is true Well done, Rob.
- That's a Brexit margin.
- Yes.
You're never too old to try something exciting - my nan recently took up base-jumping.
Well, I say base-jumping - she slipped off a balcony.
Well, I say slipped - I pushed her.
Thanks for the house, nan.
So, at the end of that round, it's no points for Rob's team, three points for Aisling's team.
Yes! And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER Stay flaccid.
You live and learn, Jim, and now, when I meet someone, fully flaccid.
I swear by it.
AISLING: It's a little bit of a compliment - if I was to meet someone and they got a straight-away boner, I was like, "Oh, thank you.
" I think I think we have found the best way to deal with If anyone ever gets flashed, it's a horrible thing if you get flashed in the park or anything, - it's kind of gross - Mm-hm.
- .
.
but I think that - Yeah.
- "I thank you.
" ROB: Yeah, if you said that to a flasher - cos normally, they flash, then you panic and get scared and run away - if you went, "Oh, that was great, do it again," - you've switched the power.
Now they're performing for you.
- Yeah.
"Oh, yeah! Make it rain, baby, make it rain! - "Work it!" - "Yeah - and take your hiking boots off!" I got flashed on the New York subway, and, like, I was so Like, it was my first time away from home, and this man just like, "Hey, how you doing?" and he took out his penis, and Ilike, I couldn't believe it, like in a movie about America, I was like, "Ba-ha-ha-ha!" and he got so annoyed.
He went, "Fine then," and walked away, and I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry I "Oh, I've upset that poor man.
" It's like a lost art, flashing, though, innit? It's like a lost art?! - It was massive in the - No, no, hear him out.
Got to hear him out, he's got a point to make.
This isn't just a sweeping statement, Jim.
In the '80s and '90s, it was massive, and it's just went out of fashion, hasn't it? - It's obviously illegal - No, no, no, it's the dick pic.
- The dick pic has ruined it for good old-fashioned - Yeah! .
.
have the decency to whip it out on a train or jump out of a bush.
I think if I got flashed, ever Tom, I don't think you're the desired target of "I'm gonna find the biggest geezer in the country.
" That feels like more of a dare, doesn't it? "Do it to him, he'll like it!" "Hello, mate" OK, how do you make a good first impression? Erm JAMES LAUGHS - I don't know, Jim! - So, let's say, when you were You know, your footballing career, when you turned up in Stoke, as a player, you arrive at a new club.
I turned up at Stroke on crutches.
I'd just recently had a cartilage operation.
- So, you turned up on crutches - Limped towards the door, and - And signed.
- And signed, yeah.
I mean, that's a maverick, isn't it? Signing someone and going, "Well, he can't walk, but I reckon "I reckon if we put him near the goal, he'll be all right.
" That was That was the best they saw of me.
What do you think, Aisling? - Strong handshake? - Mm.
Strong - cos, like, you know when you go in and you're like Give us one, there, Tom Yes, mate! There's nothing worse than, like, someone goes Do this.
"Hi" Ohh Ugh, makes me sick.
ROB: I shake a lot of hands after gigs - after I do my tour shows, I shake hands with the audience that comes, right? Yeah, you'd want to apologise.
Speaking of shaking hands after gigs, you did the Royal Variety - Yeah.
- So, who did you meet? I met, er, Prince Charles.
But he's so posh I couldn't understand anything he said.
HE WAFFLES The problem is, I was on at 7:00, and I didn't meet him until about 11:00 - I'd had six pints.
I was steaming by the time I met him.
So, he went, "Are you from Bermondsey?" And I went, "No, Lewisham," I went, "Come around for a cup of tea.
" It wasn't like an offer, it was sort of semi-aggressive, cos I was half-cut.
He's not rung, so I doubt he's coming, but Um, James - first impression.
How do you make a good first impression? I sing "I'm James Acaster" to the tune of I'm A Survivor by Destiny's Child.
Well, can I hear that? # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster I'm James Acaster.
And you are? OK, best way to make a good first impression? Compliment, Jimmy.
Compliment.
That's number eight on our list.
ROB: Smiling.
That's exactly right.
Smiling.
Of course he got that! Look at him.
Yeah.
He can make a good first impression from 400 yards.
Yes, the best way to make a good first impression is smiling.
You can't tell much about me from my smile, but what you can tell is that my dentist has just bought a speedboat.
ALARM Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show - which means the final scores are Rob, James and Chris have one point, Aisling, Tom and Tiff have won with three points! Yeah! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and you for watching at home.
That's it from us - goodnight!
It's Chris Kamara! Who's that funny boy there? It's James Acaster! Their team captain, Rob Beckett! And facing them tonight, having it large, it's Tom Davis! She's a stand-out gal.
It's Tiff Stevenson! And their team captain, Aisling Bea! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion poll surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 15% of people say carbon monoxide detectors are too expensive? "Yeah, I love my kids, but not 12 quids' worth.
" One in three horses in the UK are lame.
So, you might think horses are cool, but actually, a third of them are pretty lame.
And 40% of people in Middlesbrough say they would not buy a property without a front garden.
Of course.
They need somewhere to keep their fridge.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It is our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Aisling's team, what do you think - the nation will be talking about this week? - Article 50.
Ah, my head is sore.
I think, basically, the MPs voted in favour of triggering Article 50, but that is just an advisory vote, not legally binding.
So was the referendum.
That wasn't legally binding.
So now, it has gone to the Supreme Court and they are going to debate it out and vote on whether that vote should go ahead or not.
If it doesn't go in favour of the vote, there is going to be another vote on that vote.
I am really glad, after the Brexit vote, we are way out the complications of the EU.
- Everything is so much simpler now(!) - I think, they are answering, basically, the Supreme Court are answering the question that has been huge the last year - can Brexit get any more boring? It turned out - yes, it can! Is it going to be a hard or a soft Brexit, was one of the questions.
Also, the red, white and blue Brexit.
It's just getting ridiculous.
It's like Theresa has had word vomit.
I've got the clip of Theresa May.
Good luck.
Good luck with this.
People talk about the sort of Brexit that there is going to be.
Is it hard, soft? Is it, grey, white? Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.
That is, the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.
LAUGHTER Oh, OK.
Fine.
We want a Brexit that looks a bit like bunting.
Huh? This Supreme Court thing.
I can't believe how quick it has been.
They say they are going to have a decision in four days.
I faked whiplash in 2010.
I have only just got paid.
APPLAUSE Four days for the hearing and then a decision in January, I think.
It's crazy, though.
It's Gina Miller, isn't it? Basically, she has taken the government to court.
It's a bit of a bold move.
Imagine ringing up, "Injury Lawyers 4U?" "Yeah.
I definitely want, no win, no fee.
" Chris Kamara, the whole Brexit thing? - Go ahead.
I know you have got - I don't know anything about politics.
- I have to be honest with you.
- No! I have seen you on Sky.
You do not know a lot about football, either.
APPLAUSE I'm looking at this politics thing and they are saying left-wingers and right-wingers.
Well, I played with a few.
And I kicked a few, as well.
- James, what do you make of this? - The whole Brexit thing has upset me.
I am trying to be more positive now.
I voted Remain and I want to see more things in common with the two sides, rather than getting angry.
People like Boris Johnson, he recently referred to London as "a great, jiving, funkapolitan melting pot.
" Which is also what I say.
And I liked that.
- Do you know what, Jimmy? - Yes, James.
I will say this, Jimmy Carr.
I have imagined this moment for so long that I don't know if it is really happening or not.
I normally sit in my room talking to Jimmy, just imagining how well we'd get on and How Jimmy would laugh at my jokes and look in my eyes while I talk about Brexit.
Do you want me to take this off? Make it more real? No.
CHRIS: Keep it on! It's quite a gearshift for me, wherever I look.
You have got Kammy here, quite a chilled-out guy, and then, James - complexed.
LAUGHTER If I am not mistaken, that is the nicest thing that has ever been said about James.
Quite complexed.
It's the nicest thing that has ever been said about me.
You don't see that, do you, very often, Kammy? Have some of that! I'm doing that every day now.
Every time something good happens to me, I am doing that.
LAUGHTER There is a bit of team spirit over here.
I know.
We need to I am going to be out of rhythm here.
- Two to the left, two to the right.
- Right.
- Oh, Tom! - You're going the wrong way.
- We're going to go left first for two, - right for two.
- This goes back to school discos, when everyone was dancing and I was hanging out with the girls.
None of the boys - wanted to talk to me.
- Cos you're so tall.
Stand up.
Tom.
- Tom is.
Yeah.
He is - Bring on the freak show.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I feel bad now.
It actually feels like Mean Girls.
Oh, no, Tom! Don't be like that! Do people do that thing they do to people - "You could be a basketball player"? - Yeah, that one comes up a lot.
- To girls - "You could be a model".
Or the anger of people, turning round, when we lose at rugby, "You should be fucking out there!" I can't catch, I can't run! "You think this is bad, if I was out there it would be even worse!" My friend was really tall and people would use him as a place to meet by.
"I'm going to get myself a drink.
I will meet you back by that tall man - "over there.
" - I have had it - Are you saying Tom is a muster point? I've had it at festivals.
I have, literally, been standing next to the dance tent and someone has gone on the phone, "You can't miss me, I'm next to the big fella next to the dance tent.
" Am I mean to stand there?! "I am obliged to stand here now, till your friend gets here.
" The worst thing is, you could have actual people coming up, saying, "Where's Tony? He said to meet me at you.
" "Fucking leaks are here, join in the fucking page.
" Terrible.
OK, let's see if Brexit is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Brexit.
The case for Brexit has been presented to the Supreme Court.
If it gets through, the next stage is judges' houses.
Then, if the judges can't decide, Dermot O'Leary takes it to Deadlock.
OK, what else has the nation been talking about? Is it, they are banning adverts.
Well, children's adverts.
- No, let me start again.
- You are not allowed to advertise children - anymore.
- You're not allowed to sell children anymore.
No more selling children.
The people have spoken and they've had enough! APPLAUSE This is the will of the people, Jimmy.
No more buying kids.
Put your wallet away.
You make me sick.
Make me sick so much, Jimmy Carr.
Is it on the board? APPLAUSE Yeah, so you can't buy kids.
They've banned online adverts for junk food for kids so it doesn't encourage kids to eat it, but I don't think it's going to work.
They don't advertise online weed and laughing gas but they're bang into that.
I don't think it will make any difference because - It's online adverts, isn't it? - Yes.
- They've already banned the TV ads, I think.
- Have they? Good on 'em.
This is slightly complicated for me, I am for them getting rid of the advertising for children but I actually put myself through university doing a McDonald's advert, and I was in this McDonald's advert where I had to basically horse my tongue into this youngfella - kissing in Ireland - for like ages, then find a euro in his back pocket and go "Mmm," and I'd spend that euro on burgers.
I was like, "No-one will see this advert, it's going to be grand.
" There's one bus stop in the town that I'm from and I ended up on the bus stop going "Mmm!" And then obviously someone wrote, "Aisling's a slut" on it, which, you know, was a fair enough review at the time.
But then you know what my mother did, my mother went in in the middle of the night with a bottle of Jif and a J-cloth and wiped it off.
- That's a sweet story.
- Isn't that a sweet story, Tom? We've all had our struggles, babes.
I feel a real affinity.
She shouldn't have written it in the first place.
APPLAUSE It's her own fault.
I think the adverts are a little bit persuasive, like the Caramel Bunny, I'd buy anything she's selling.
She was my first crush, the Caramel Bunny.
Under that tree.
Since you brought that up, I was watching this cartoon, right? And no-one's ever heard of this cartoon before.
It's about an egg.
And you like the cartoon egg? Well, there was a boy egg and a girl egg, and to begin with, I didn't fancy either of them.
And then the girl egg is walking away from the boy, cos he fancies her, and she doesn't want anything to do with him, and then she fell into a pot of boiling hot water and then she came out and - spoiler alert - she was hot.
She was so foxy.
It's the first time I ever remember thinking in my head, "I want to bang that egg.
" APPLAUSE What do you make of these fast-food adverts aimed specifically at kids? I don't like the idea of banning them because they're talking about banning the Honey Monster, Ronald McDonald and Tony the Tiger, and these were so much a part of my childhood when I was growing up, that all of my dating choices have been based on these men.
- Oh, really? - Yeah! Honey Monster's taken an interest.
There's the hairy one, the comedian with the big red nose who had a drinking problem and then there was that guy with really bad fake tan who would say "They're gr-r-reat!" every time I would show him my boobs.
Hey, I did it really well.
"They're gr-r-reat!" It's not fake, though.
APPLAUSE I don't know what just happened.
I'm not sure.
I think the drugs have just kicked in.
I can tell you the ban on junk food ads is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
Junk food ads aimed at children are to be banned online.
A study has found a third of children is obese, and that third is hanging over the top of their trousers.
OK, fingers on buzzers, two more to get.
Aisling, what do you think? I think it is the news about robots, that robots are set to steal 15 million jobs from British people, and as an immigrant I'm like, "Oh, great, a new scapegoat!" This is the news the Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney has warned that robots could take over half of Britain's jobs.
Robots aren't going to take all jobs though.
They can't.
Like life guards.
You wouldn't be comfortable going swimming, a little rusty fella looking at you.
Chris, do you think anyone could ever replace you? It would be impossible for a robot to replace me.
No, because they'd know what was going on.
- Are you worried about your job, James? - Yes, I'm very worried.
Yeah.
Absolutely, Jimmy.
- What is it you do again? - I'm a stand-up comedian.
They've already started.
I turned up to a gig the other day and the promoter was like, "Unlucky, mate, you've been replaced.
" And I looked in - it was Sir Killalot.
Just on stage, absolutely ripping it.
They were all laughing at him, very funny, actually.
To his credit a very funny man.
And afterwards I went up and said, "What are you doing?" He was like, "Speak to my agent.
" I turned round, it was Optimus Prime.
I think the message is, the machines give you, there are lessons to be had there.
Sometimes I'll get my Oyster card, I'll tap it on the machine and it'll come up with the message, incomplete journey.
I'll be like, "Wow, I just wanted to get to Tottenham Court Road but you gave me spiritual advice.
" I can't wait to see the driverless cars, I can't wait to see robots driving cars, and they'll be like ROBOTIC VOICE: .
.
you'll never believe who I had in the car last week.
This is one of the things, They think all cabbies will be out of work because they'll have driverless cars.
- I've been in a driverless car.
- I got in a taxi and the geezer had one of these new hybrid electronic cars and we hit the motorway and then he completely turned to me and went, "What's wrong with you? You all right?" "Oh, Jesus!" "Don't worry about the car.
"It's self-drive, it's a Tesla.
" I said, "All right," so I'm panicking but he was very cool and very relaxed, I talked about life, it was actually one of the best conversations I've ever had.
But I was terrified.
So the other extraordinary thing.
Mark Carney saying half the jobs in Britain could go to robots and one of the things is checkouts, so Amazon have got this new shop where they don't need a checkout.
Take a look.
Use the Amazon Go app to enter.
Then put away your phone and start shopping.
When you leave, our Just Walk Out technology adds up your virtual cart and charges your Amazon account.
Your receipt is sent straight to the app and you can keep going.
APPLAUSE They're calling it Just Walk Out technology.
There's already a trial running in Liverpool.
That's actually harder work than actual Amazon.
Actual Amazon you just sit on your sofa and do it.
Basically they're making you work in a warehouse and drive it home.
APPLAUSE I can tell you that robots taking British jobs is not up there.
Yes, the Governor of the Bank of England has warned that robots will steal 15 million jobs in Britain.
No, we won't.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Aisling.
I'm A Celebrity ended, Scarlett Moffatt won and our good pal Joel Dommett, ever the gent, came behind a woman, very much like in his sex tape.
- He's one of our pals, genuinely.
Do you know Joel? - Yeah, I know Joel.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Love Joel Dommett.
But - .
.
at the end of that show - Yeah.
He was asked what he thought of Scarlett Moffatt, and bearing in mind I've known him for nine years, he said Scarlett Moffatt was the best person he had ever met in his entire life.
He was with her for three weeks in the jungle, she's rocketing up the charts.
- Do you reckon you're in the top ten? - Yeah, I'd like I mean, I've known Kammy for one show, he's already in my top five.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Shall we take a look at Joel Dommett in the jungle? Goat penis and testicles.
Wow.
- Do you want to start at the tip and work your way down? - LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
Is that down already? - Oh, yeah, well done.
- Oh, you like that.
Don't think about it, Joel.
Oh, it's really horrible.
- It's not a penis.
It's not a penis.
- It is.
- It is.
- It is a penis.
- It was a penis, wasn't it? - It was a penis, yeah.
- Oh, guys! Sort of nailed that, didn't he? Two men instructing another man how to eat a penis on live television - feminism has won! I was quite proud of how Joel handled his sex tape news.
His sex tape leaked, which was very unfortunate, but I'm - Cos I'm actually developing a sex tape at the moment.
- Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am, actually.
Yeah, no, I'm taking my time with it.
You've been in for a couple of auditions, haven't you? Yeah, it's been fun.
I'm not actually involved in the sex, I'm just sort of like Tom's the guy that you go, "Let's have sex, meet by the tall guy.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
APPLAUSE - What did you think of Scarlett Moffatt as well? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, she knew how to do it.
I think she was on a grift, wasn't she? - She was what? - She was on a grift! On a grift? What is on a grift? Well, she's watched it all her life since she was ten, so she's almost been schooled to win it.
- If she'd lost it she'd have had to really mess up.
- Yeah.
A grift is like a scam.
Like, where they come in and they say NEW YORK ACCENT: "You buy ten of these, "then we sell two back to a friend.
"And then Charlie round the corner, he's going to get one of those too.
" And then somebody ends up with a bullet to the head, and that is a grift, ladies and gentlemen.
That is the worst cockney accent I've ever heard.
I really liked her though cos I liked the fact that she looked so beautiful afterwards.
Like, she had no make-up on and stuff.
It did remind me, the amount of The amount of effort we put in, you'll never actually know.
You're curling your eyelashes, you're dyeing your skin, you're plumping up your boobs, you're pulling on your Spanx, you're getting at the hair, you're doing the hair here, you go "bffffft!" downstairs, hacking away, trying to get rid of it so someone can get their head in there.
- You're doing all this - LAUGHTER .
.
then you come downstairs and you go, "Well, how do I look?" and he's like, "You always look beautiful to me," and you're like, "Fuck you!" APPLAUSE Tom, would you go into the jungle? Erm, yeah, I mean, I think you have a bit of a I'd like to mix it up in there.
Everyone got on really, really well, right? I'd have liked to have come back from the Bush Telegraph and everyone's getting on and they're having a laugh, and go I've just spoke to the Bush Telegraph and we've got to kill Martin.
APPLAUSE No, really, Oscar-worthy shit.
Let's have a look and see if I'm A Celebrity's up there.
Yes, it's I'm A Celebrity.
I'm A Celebrity finished after three amazing weeks.
During the eating trials, contestants had to eat things like camel nipples, cockroaches and pig genitals.
No wonder Scarlett Moffatt was good at it - that's pretty much the ingredients of every Newcastle kebab.
Scarlett tried to cross a cockroach with a bloodsucker - and she came up with a bloodroach.
Come on, Charlotte Scarlett, you can do better than that! - You got the name wrong, didn't you? - What? - You said Charlotte instead of Scarlett - Oh, yeah.
.
.
and there was no punchline, I think.
It sounded good to me! There isn't a punchline! OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
- What do you think, Rob? - Is it Planet Earth II? I mean, it's been incredible, hasn't it? I was a bit obsessed with it, I love it.
It's quality, isn't innit? Do you know what my favourite bit of Planet Earth II was? I liked it, at one point, they crossed a bloodsucker with a cockroach And they came up with a cocksucker, there's the line for you! Well, let's treat ourselves to a clip from Planet Earth II.
This is basically the animal equivalent of The Bourne Identity.
Check it out.
'There are 15 males in this bachelor group.
'The alpha must evict every single one of them from his territory.
' MONKEY BARKS 'Finally, he manages to expel them all.
' That is amazing, impressive, but that's what they are built to do, so do they watch, like, a single parent trying to take three kids to Spain on a plane? My God, how's he carrying all the bags? How's he getting them through passport control? One kid's being sick, one's crying, one wants some food.
I think sometimes, we should be happy at how amazing we are.
Yeah, so basically, what you're saying is, the animal kingdom - meh! Meh - yeah.
Yeah, I'll tell you who's doing very well - humans.
Also, what buildings were they jumping between? Did they build them? No.
People go, oh, that cost millions to make, millions to make Well, not them, they paid them peanuts.
You know they had a GoPro attached, so to get the flight of one of the eagles, the wild eagles, they had a moving camera attached to one of the trained eagles.
Can you imagine how shit that eagle must feel? People moaning, "I can't believe they got "a trained eagle to do that, rather than a wild one.
" I was like, oh, why don't you go to the Himalayas and talk to a real eagle see if you can convince it to fly a camera down the mountain? Reckon they mugged him off a bit? The other eagles? They knew that he wasn't one of them.
"Look at this prick.
" "We haven't seen you around here before.
" "No, I'm a trained eagle.
" "Wanker.
Prick.
What are you here for?!" "Filming, I'm doing some filming with a camera crew.
" "What camera crew?" OK, let's see if Planet Earth II is one of the most talked about things.
So, those were the nation's most popular talking points.
But in other news, this week, a clip of an Australian man rescuing his dog from a kangaroo went viral.
Take a look.
Let it go! But, in fairness, you'll find that kangaroo had every right to be upset - Scarlett Moffatt had just eaten his bollocks.
I feel like that's peak Australian, I feel like that's the equivalent of me throwing a potato at a leprechaun during a Westlife reunion concert.
So, at the end of round, Rob, James and Chris have no points, Aisling, Tom and Tiff have three points.
CHEERING That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, James, Chris, what do you like the look of? - The skydiving man looks quite fun.
- OK, you picked the skydiver.
Most people wish their life was more exciting.
True or false? Chris, I know live TV can be an incredibly exciting thing.
Let's take a look at you in action.
Is there any way back for Fulham against Middlesbrough? Well, they're trying, Jeff.
The striker has got Healey one side of him and there's a header! It's a goal.
It's a goal, Jeff.
He's running away.
He's playing on.
Sorry, my monitor's down again.
I'm looking over my shoulder.
I don't know if he's given it.
Has he given it? Oh, this is hard.
No, the referee hasn't given it, either.
I don't really know what's happening, Jeff!.
Could be, could be not.
- Pretty quality.
- I love that.
- You see, robots could never do that.
- Did you have a bad neck? No, my monitor was down, so I had to keep looking Oh, yeah, I know you had to keep looking at the game but you're allowed to move your head and not your entire body.
You were like a kangaroo having a fight.
As you know, us TV people are wired with are wired for sound and everything so You know we're all wearing microphones now and we can That's a bullshit excuse.
We're on telly right now and we can all look around without doing this.
- Do you find it scary, doing live TV? - No.
- Not at all.
- No.
- No, OK.
Is it more nerve-racking when you're playing football? Did you ever get nervous then? Especially when they had to get across him.
So most people wish their life was more exciting.
True or false? - What do you think? - I don't think your life could be more exciting.
- It couldn't.
- I bet you're absolutely loving life.
Played football, became a coach, became a manager, doing the TV.
- Sorry, were you a manager? - I was a manager.
- What were they thinking? - Who were you the manager of? - It was only Morrisons.
Yoghurt.
- Go on.
Who did you manage? - Bradford City and Stoke City? So, how did they do with you at the helm? OK at Bradford, don't speak to anybody at Stoke.
- James, do you wish your life was more exciting? - No, I'm pretty good.
I was a footballer, became a coach, became a manager, Now I'm on the telly.
I'm fine.
The thing is, nothing's as exciting as when you're a kid, is it? The most exciting thing is when you're the little and your parents hold each arm and lift you and swing you back and forwards.
That's the most fun you ever have, isn't it? I've been trying to set it up.
I've been ringing you and Greg Davies for weeks.
You can make your life more exciting as an adult.
Take a look at this clip.
This is a woman trying to make her boyfriend's life more exciting by waking him up.
Oh, my God! I mean, he's got post-traumatic stress from that.
That's a bit much, isn't it? I don't I don't think that would be exciting.
Like, if I try and do a lot more exciting, I have a yoghurt without a spoon.
Aisling, could your life be more exciting? The odd time I do try to spice things up, like, sometimes before I go to bed, I throw a few marbles on the floor, so when I come out at night, I'm.
I always think that I want more excitement and then when it happens, I sort of regret it.
Like, there was this time I went to Cyprus on holiday, I was 19 and I thought it would be a good idea to go on one of those waterslides, so that was the exciting thing.
But the outcome was, I got an unexpected enema.
So the water The water goes up one way, so your bikini bottoms, tight, everything is all good, I'm going down and then I come off this way, the water gushes back up this way, like, full force and I was like, "Oh, that was a bit tricksy!" And then I get out and there's a bunch of guys, like, staring, talking about me and I was like, "They think I'm fit," I thought I was the hot shit and I literally was.
It was running down my legs, so that's Oh, that's the bit that's disgusting, is it? OK.
Yes.
Yes.
The shit running down your leg is the bit that's disgusting.
Yeah.
How could you How could you think that wasn't the disgusting bit? OK, so let's get some answers on this.
Most people wish their life was more exciting.
- True or false? What are you going to go for, Rob? - I think false.
- What do you think, Chris? - False as well.
- You're false as well.
- So we're going to go false.
- Go with the team spirit.
Team spirit.
- Aisling, what do you think? - We also have to go with the team.
- What do you think? - I reckon false.
- What do you think? - Yeah, I think people are happy.
- Yeah? - I think people are happy.
We're going to go false.
Thanks very much.
- You're breaking my heart.
- I thought that was good.
Thank you, Chris.
That was terrible commentary.
It was awful, mate, did you not see it? Your left arm could be doing with a little bit higher - and your right arm just a little bit lower.
- Strictly judge next year.
Imagine him as a Strictly judge.
"Unbelievable! "10! "The way you turned "Smooth!" Well, I can tell you, the answer is true Well done, Rob.
- That's a Brexit margin.
- Yes.
You're never too old to try something exciting - my nan recently took up base-jumping.
Well, I say base-jumping - she slipped off a balcony.
Well, I say slipped - I pushed her.
Thanks for the house, nan.
So, at the end of that round, it's no points for Rob's team, three points for Aisling's team.
Yes! And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER Stay flaccid.
You live and learn, Jim, and now, when I meet someone, fully flaccid.
I swear by it.
AISLING: It's a little bit of a compliment - if I was to meet someone and they got a straight-away boner, I was like, "Oh, thank you.
" I think I think we have found the best way to deal with If anyone ever gets flashed, it's a horrible thing if you get flashed in the park or anything, - it's kind of gross - Mm-hm.
- .
.
but I think that - Yeah.
- "I thank you.
" ROB: Yeah, if you said that to a flasher - cos normally, they flash, then you panic and get scared and run away - if you went, "Oh, that was great, do it again," - you've switched the power.
Now they're performing for you.
- Yeah.
"Oh, yeah! Make it rain, baby, make it rain! - "Work it!" - "Yeah - and take your hiking boots off!" I got flashed on the New York subway, and, like, I was so Like, it was my first time away from home, and this man just like, "Hey, how you doing?" and he took out his penis, and Ilike, I couldn't believe it, like in a movie about America, I was like, "Ba-ha-ha-ha!" and he got so annoyed.
He went, "Fine then," and walked away, and I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry I "Oh, I've upset that poor man.
" It's like a lost art, flashing, though, innit? It's like a lost art?! - It was massive in the - No, no, hear him out.
Got to hear him out, he's got a point to make.
This isn't just a sweeping statement, Jim.
In the '80s and '90s, it was massive, and it's just went out of fashion, hasn't it? - It's obviously illegal - No, no, no, it's the dick pic.
- The dick pic has ruined it for good old-fashioned - Yeah! .
.
have the decency to whip it out on a train or jump out of a bush.
I think if I got flashed, ever Tom, I don't think you're the desired target of "I'm gonna find the biggest geezer in the country.
" That feels like more of a dare, doesn't it? "Do it to him, he'll like it!" "Hello, mate" OK, how do you make a good first impression? Erm JAMES LAUGHS - I don't know, Jim! - So, let's say, when you were You know, your footballing career, when you turned up in Stoke, as a player, you arrive at a new club.
I turned up at Stroke on crutches.
I'd just recently had a cartilage operation.
- So, you turned up on crutches - Limped towards the door, and - And signed.
- And signed, yeah.
I mean, that's a maverick, isn't it? Signing someone and going, "Well, he can't walk, but I reckon "I reckon if we put him near the goal, he'll be all right.
" That was That was the best they saw of me.
What do you think, Aisling? - Strong handshake? - Mm.
Strong - cos, like, you know when you go in and you're like Give us one, there, Tom Yes, mate! There's nothing worse than, like, someone goes Do this.
"Hi" Ohh Ugh, makes me sick.
ROB: I shake a lot of hands after gigs - after I do my tour shows, I shake hands with the audience that comes, right? Yeah, you'd want to apologise.
Speaking of shaking hands after gigs, you did the Royal Variety - Yeah.
- So, who did you meet? I met, er, Prince Charles.
But he's so posh I couldn't understand anything he said.
HE WAFFLES The problem is, I was on at 7:00, and I didn't meet him until about 11:00 - I'd had six pints.
I was steaming by the time I met him.
So, he went, "Are you from Bermondsey?" And I went, "No, Lewisham," I went, "Come around for a cup of tea.
" It wasn't like an offer, it was sort of semi-aggressive, cos I was half-cut.
He's not rung, so I doubt he's coming, but Um, James - first impression.
How do you make a good first impression? I sing "I'm James Acaster" to the tune of I'm A Survivor by Destiny's Child.
Well, can I hear that? # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster # I'm James Acaster I'm James Acaster.
And you are? OK, best way to make a good first impression? Compliment, Jimmy.
Compliment.
That's number eight on our list.
ROB: Smiling.
That's exactly right.
Smiling.
Of course he got that! Look at him.
Yeah.
He can make a good first impression from 400 yards.
Yes, the best way to make a good first impression is smiling.
You can't tell much about me from my smile, but what you can tell is that my dentist has just bought a speedboat.
ALARM Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round, and the end of the show - which means the final scores are Rob, James and Chris have one point, Aisling, Tom and Tiff have won with three points! Yeah! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and you for watching at home.
That's it from us - goodnight!