8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e01 Episode Script

Katherine Ryan, Tom Allen, Maya Jama, Richard Osman, Catherine Bohart

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats My oh my, it's Maya Jama.
He's a dapper chap, it's Tom Allen.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, the Osman of our dreams.
It's Richard Osman.
She's a stand-up girl, it's Catherine Bohart.
And Katherine Ryan, their guest team captain.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, a fifth of people kiss their pet on the lips, which begs the question, where is everyone else kissing their pet? One in eight young Brits are either bloggers or vloggers, or in other words living off Mum and Dad.
And only 26% of men say they'd try a male contraceptive pill.
Well, if you want to avoid unplanned pregnancies, here's a tip, do what I do and just stick to the granny fanny.
Right, let's get started.
What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking - about this week? - Well, it must be the Brexit delay.
Personally, I'm quite in favour of a delay.
I'm quite enjoying this Brexit delay, because I'm using it as an excuse, because my wife's been going, "we need to get a new car.
" I'm like, whoa, let's see how Brexit pans out.
Let's not rush.
She's like, you need to cut the grass.
Whoa! I'm excited about the whole thing.
I don't know about a delay, but I heard that Theresa May has finally requested an extension, and, girl, you need to look fire during the crash-out.
Theresa May does not look her best at the moment.
She looks like Darth Vader took off his helmet after a rough day.
That's why she needs the extensions, Jimmy, plus they're imported, usually, from the EU, so you can't get the good ones for that long.
European hair.
Is that all your own hair? No, this is extensions, too, so I might lose those if Brexit happens.
Where do you get your extensions from? Er, a woman in Croydon.
I think you'll be all right.
A woman in Croydon.
She gets them from somewhere abroad.
- Oh, it's not her hair.
- No, it's not her actual hair.
No, no, no.
You can hand-pick the very best orphans and then you get a little picture of them to take home.
I'm slightly worried for you now, Catherine Bohart, because I'm looking over at your luscious locks and thinking, Katherine Ryan is kind of eyeing them That's great! I can make some profit.
That's fine.
I don't want to be ginger again.
Catherine is my before photo.
I will take it.
Catherine and I are very good friends, and actually, it's kind - of a problem - We WERE really good friends.
It's kind of a problem that we're both called Catherine on the show today.
What shall we call her - What shall we do? - Young Catherine, old Katherine? - Old Katherine? - It's how I treat my friends.
Right, Catherine, can you still move your forehead? - Yes.
- Oh.
- Yes! Yeah.
If Katherine Ryan is surprised, no one will know.
You look like you're picking them up from a disco.
Come on, girls, in the car.
It's quarter past nine.
I said one Bacardi Breezer.
Literally, I'm watching Top Gear on my iPad, thinking, oh, how long are they going to be? Richard, thank you for chaperoning us tonight.
- Oh, it's such a pleasure.
- What do you think about Brexit? What do I think about Brexit? I don't want to really talk about the story, but I will.
We'll do more hair extension stuff in a minute.
We're going to have another vote next week, but that's a proper, proper, meaningful, meaningful, meaningful vote.
That's like the Friday vote on Come Dine With Me.
That's how serious it is.
I think she just has enough goes until she gets the result she wants.
Imagine going round Theresa May's house for dinner.
It would be a nightmare, wouldn't it? She'd be like, what do you want? I've got some quiche.
I don't like quiche.
Do you want quiche? No, I don't like quiche.
Do you want an omelette? Yeah.
But it's like on pastry.
It's a quiche, Theresa! That's the thing, though.
She's been stopped keeping going back with the same question because of this Erskine May thing that John Bercow brought up.
We'll have a look at a picture of him.
This is what a frog looks like when it's shitting.
Did you see him turn up this week, when he turned up in like a rugby shirt and then, like, deck shoes without any socks on? And you're the Speaker of the House of Commons? Go fuck yourself.
How dare you turn up to work dressed like some horrendous sort of rugby dad? Has someone just broken up with a rugby player? Well, Bercow acts like he's a drunk rugby player.
Like, he just stands in the House of Commons going, "order!" It's like he's in a kebab shop pissed.
I want an order! Order! Are you sure Boris Johnson's not your dad? You are 100% sure? I don't think anyone under 30 can be absolutely sure that Boris Johnson's not their dad.
It all just seems to be spiralling, you know, just further and further along the track.
Nigel Farage then organised that march.
Did you see that? There was supposed to be a march, but then only 200 turned up and it rained.
We've got a still of the march.
It doesn't look great.
They do have a lot of chutzpah.
Like, they've got a lot of great slogans.
Leave means leave, strong and stable, take back control.
You know, they sound like Beyonce songs.
I'm anti-Brexit, I obviously don't want it to happen, but at the same time I'm like, if a country had to go through a food shortage, like, say a famine-esque sort of thing, I wouldn't not vote for Britain, do you know what I mean? - I think I know what you're referring to.
- Yeah.
I don't think it would hurt us.
A couple of weeks would be all right.
- OK.
- A couple of weeks without Quavers.
Whoa, there's a Quavers issue? I hadn't heard that.
What do you think, Richard? What do you think's going to happen? Well, I think after that next vote she's definitely going to go, one way or another.
That said, that next vote, seriously, is the real deal.
It is now a final one.
If she loses, then it will be because of 20 members of the ERG, who are arch-Brexiteers, and they are the ones stopping Brexit happening, and the only way she'll get them to vote for her is if she agrees to resign straight afterwards, so either way she's going to go very, very soon, which is a shame, given all the good things she's done.
But you know, seriously, name 47 things she's done wrong.
You know, it's hard.
46 you can do, but - Leave her be.
- Is that going to be an answer on Pointless? I appreciate being asked about Brexit because a lot of people think I'm only good for dick jokes, but I've had to do a lot of serious political research, and that's how I know that Theresa May has formally written to the EU to ask for the extension and I know that it's a very short one, even though a lot of us prefer a longer one.
Am I right, ladies? I think it's more about what you do with it, but OK.
Is it just length or does it need to be a decent - width as well? - The length is a real I just said that for the joke, but girth is everything.
OK.
I mean, that's a Brexit slogan we could have stood behind.
Do you feel confused by the whole thing? Maya, what do you think? Yeah, I don't have a clue what's going on.
That's why I just sat here silently, nodding and smiling.
It's hard to know what's going on there, because you try and watch the news, but it feels like they are repeating the same episode of Brexit, because it hasn't moved on.
Do you know who I miss? The jihadi bride.
She was a breath of fresh air.
It's true though, isn't it? A bit of different news.
Bring her back! Not literally, but more of her on the news.
OK, so, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Theresa May's Brexit vote.
Theresa May says the naughtiest thing she ever did was run through a field of wheat.
Sounds innocent enough, but the bit she left out was she was chasing an immigrant with a baseball bat whilst coked off her tits.
OK.
Katherine's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week? I am going to guess Trump, because he vetoed a bill against his state of emergency so that he could build his wall.
He's very keen on this wall.
I also think it probably to him does seem like an emergency.
Like, I assume he just found out that there is another country attached to America, so he's like, oh, my God! He's very anti-immigration for someone who relies on immigrants.
- If it wasn't for immigrants, he wouldn't have a wife.
- True.
She went too young, didn't she? He had time to do all the stuff.
You want to go old.
If you're still eating solid food, too young.
She's an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.
Welcome to dating tips with Katherine Ryan.
You wanted one line of coke and a vigorous hand-job wife.
You're getting a summerhouse.
Otherwise, the gold digging is not worth it.
OK, take a look at this.
Back in 2004, Trump made a speech at Wagner College on New York's Staten Island, where he gave some wise words of wisdom to students.
Take a look at what he had to say.
Don't give up.
Don't allow it to happen.
If there is a concrete wall in front of you, go through it, go over it, go around it, but get to the other side of that wall.
APPLAUSE I mean All this talk about building a wall, it's like the tensest episode of Grand Designs ever.
The thing about it as well, other than the native peoples of America, - you know, the idea that everyone there is an immigrant.
- Yeah.
That's the whole point of the place, innit? It's the whole point of the place, innit? That's what the Declaration Of Independence said, it's the whole point of the place, innit.
I think, look, just let him get on with it, because he's never going to finish it in time.
Do you know how long it takes to just do the fencing in my garden? The geezer said to me it would take four days.
He's been there a week and a half.
Do you know what his excuse was? It's too windy.
Do you know what stops wind? A fence! How long has Trump got left? Like, how long has he got in power? Well, with his diet, about seven years, I'd say.
So the next elections are 2020, and he's predicted to win that, - so it might be - OK.
- I mean, it's another sort of year.
So even now that he's doing all this stuff, people still want him in charge.
This is The whole point of the wall is 2020, when we have this election.
There's two outcomes for Trump.
One is he's president again, genuinely, and the other one - is he goes to prison.
- Innocent until proven guilty.
They should rebrand the 2020 election Presidency Versus Prison, because that's what it is.
The only positive I can think of this massive wall is it is an opportunity for the longest cock and balls graffiti of all time.
Imagine it, two lovely little nuts and a 3,000-kilometre shaft, bell on the end, little bit of jizz.
- I mean - Lovely.
Well, I can tell you, Trump's wall is not one of the most talked-about things this week, but listen, Mexicans, if Trump does build this wall, you're just going to have to get over it.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
We are still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers, two more things to get.
- Rob.
- Is it that junk food advert ban before 9pm, to stop there being fat kids? "To stop there being fat kids.
" Yeah, they don't want fat kids.
They are singling out these little fellas.
They are only going to advertise junk food after 9pm, aren't they? So cruel to the kids because everything good happens after 9pm.
The swearing, the sex, Huw Edwards, everything is good.
Is it that Tom Watson who's moaning about it the most? Is it Tom Watson, the politician? - Yeah.
- He was really big, he lost loads of weight.
They are always a bit annoying those people, aren't they? "I've lost seven stone and the way I did it was" Oh, fuck off.
Do you know how I didn't get to that weight? I didn't eat loads of food, mate, that's why! I don't think it makes much difference.
Like, if you like junk food, if I see an advert, it's not going to change my mind whether or not I'm going to have it.
I'm 100% with you, I think if Fatty wants McFlurry, Fatty going to get McFlurry.
Because nothing is going to hold them back.
Yeah.
Type two diabetes doesn't stop them.
I saw a woman in McDonald's the other day with one foot and You didn't see a woman in McDonald's.
You send your PA in there.
I send my partner to McDonald's.
I love going for a drive-through, it's sort of just like a little bit of Disneyland on an industrial estate, isn't it? I normally eat it alone in the car park, someone pulls in next to you and you're just sort of It's like a side on date with like sadness.
I think the adverts after nine is a great idea because then it can be like proper food porn, it can be like properly like dirty and also it can be really sweary.
Like I'd love an ad campaign that was like "get a Twix, you pricks".
It would be so good, I'm so here for it.
Think what they could do with that gherkin after nine o'clock.
Yes! Katherine Ryan, fast food, have you had any? I am from a family of body dysmorphics, Jimmy, and there are loads of ways to be unhealthy.
One of those ways is starving yourself.
I'm the fattest woman in my family to ever live.
AndI am! When I was little, my mother used to not take me to McDonald's, she used to push me up against a wall and tie a string around my waist and say, breathe in.
And I live my life like this.
And I watched Never Been Kissed, it's a great movie, and they were getting ready to go to prom and Jessica Alba in that film, says, "Remember, girls, only water and Ex-Lax till prom.
" And my girlfriends and I were influenced by that film and we went, "Oh, we must only have water and Ex-Lax until prom.
" And then my dad found it and instead of getting us in trouble he was like, "If you dumb horse want to shit yourselves on the dance "floor, that's up to you.
" And we did.
And we did.
Are you in favour of this ban on fast-food? I think if you're not going to do adverts, because I'm interested in developments in fast food, you know, if they put bacon in a Big Mac, I want to know about it, and they'd have to put it on the news, I think Yeah! I don't want to bring the tone down by beginning to be serious.
This week, Miniature Heroes said they are going to bring out two new miniature heroes for this Christmas, they are getting rid of the eclairs.
- Good, fine.
Gone.
- What? - Right.
Good riddance.
Right, did you see this on the news? No, you didn't.
It's the one with the adverts.
And they are introducing two new mini chocolates, one is the Crunchie I love Crunchies, they're my favourite.
The other one, Double Decker.
- Yes! - Yeah.
- Which they are calling a Dinky Decker.
- Yes! - Yum! If we don't have adverts before nine o'clock, how the fuck are we going to hear about this stuff? That's a good point.
I don't know if you are getting the tone right for this show.
This is more for Question Time, that kind of serious take on the news.
Right, let's have a look and see it it's up then.
Yes, it's the proposed junk food advertising ban, but how exactly do we define obesity? Well, in simple terms it's the swelling disease you can only catch from biscuits.
If you or any member of your family are affected by issues relating to obesity, then there's a number you can call at the end of the show.
Domino's.
OK, fingers on buzzers, there's one more piece to get.
What else have people been talking about this week? - Tom Allen.
- Sorry, I felt like I was touching your penis.
It's fine.
That's the sound it makes! Is it? BUZZ I recover quick though.
I imagine your wife is a lights out person.
She is more of an "I've got a headache" person.
Tom, what do you think? Is there a news that there is a fear that the UK may face a water shortage in 25 years? - SLURPING - Shit, sorry! - Sorry, is it? - Oh, how embarrassing.
- Sorry.
They said one of the ways you can save water is by turning the tap off when you brush your teeth.
I mean, yours will rust up.
A little dig for no reason there.
No reason.
You've got a lovely face.
- Yeah.
- Stupid teeth, but lovely How is the UK making fun of Rob's beautiful teeth? Like you guys know teeth in any way.
Have any of you ever been to a dentist? Also, you are not running out of water.
Hello, it's the UK! It rains more here than in a Seal video.
Get a bucket.
Leave Rob alone.
Yes, I can't believe people are genuinely worried about this, but it's a water shortage in 25 years' time.
Rich, are you worried? Yeah, what, 25 years' time? No, not really.
Erm I'm excited.
Every time it rains, I'm getting it first, so I'm fine.
What do you think, is there a water shortage? How do you know exactly 25 years, how do they know that? It could be 12.
But also as well, are we being told you've got to drink 12 litres of water a day, oh, no, don't, we are running out now.
Exactly.
But luckily the icecaps are melting, it will just top it up.
- That's all right, isn't it? - Pretty good news.
I tell you what though, it's going to be hard work at water parks, isn't it, if we ran out of water? It's going to be squeaky, isn't it? Imagine going down Cyclone at Aqualandia in Benidorm, bareback.
Oh! What do you think, Catherine, what do you think of this water shortage? Yeah, I think we are getting to a stage where it's pretty bad.
Like that girl who is protesting in Sweden, who's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, I'm like, fair enough, if the snow is on fire I think we are in trouble, you know what I mean? I do think it's interesting that it's generally older people who are like, well, climate change isn't real, la la la, and it's like, well, you're literally never going to see it.
I don't know what age you are, but I'm 71! No, that was for Catherine, I don't know what age she is.
- 71, 71.
- Literally not a clue! - Eeeee! - 71.
- Could be anything, right? I'm with Catherine and this girl, Greta, she's done incredible things.
When I was in school I would not go because I was like, "I have cramps," but now teenage girls are like, "I'm worried about irregular weather "patterns in the Southern Hemisphere.
" Imagine what could be done when you remove touching them up.
That's what's stopped.
You know, we couldn't get anything done because we were like where is the white van, who's going to grab my Who is going to rub their erection against me on the underground.
We stopped most of that and now girls are Yes, we are now sexual harassment free so we can focus on the environment(!) Totally free.
Totally free.
We do get told off a lot about the environment.
I know we're not doing it all right but we can't have a straw now because of turtles and I think Like, you sort of think I will start caring a bit more about turtles when they stop laying their eggs by the car park on the beach.
Right at the back.
Why don't they lay the eggs near the sea, or even better, in the sea where they fucking live? Im a hundred percent with you.
It's like three and a half miles them little turtles have got to do when they are born.
I have to say, I was worried about what would happen when Attenborough retired finally, but now I'm not! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm here.
Move on down.
All right, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Yes, it's the news that the UK could face water shortages in 25 years.
The Earth is getting much drier and experiencing hot spells.
Basically mother nature is going through the menopause.
So those were the most talked about things but in other news it's been announced electric scooters could be allowed on our roads for the first time.
They are set to completely revolutionise the way teenagers steal iPhones from pedestrians.
Poundland has launched a new range of collagen anti-ageing patches.
They've also Yes! Go on They've also launched a range of anti-ageing biscuits.
If you eat enough of them you won't live past 53.
And Peppa Pig was accused of sexism for calling them firemen and not firefighters.
Of course you shouldn't really say firefighters either, the correct term is male stripper.
Despite the row over sexism, Peppa Pig is actually very progressive and is currently transitioning into a string of sausages.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that round, Rob, Tom and Mia are in the lead with three points.
CHEERING That's it for part two, see you after the break.
Welcome back to eight Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Katherine, Richard, Catherine, what do you like the look of? I like the look of Richard Osman.
OK, you've picked Richard, host of Child Genius, so we asked our studio audience, would you prefer your child to be academic or popular at school? That's such a tough one because people who are popular are obviously going to say popular and people who are academic are going to say popular, erm What were you like at school? Were you popular? Were you academic? What were you like? I mean, I was popular with the important people, which is to say I was academic, so the teachers loved me.
- Ha, ha.
- I learned a rap that helped me memorise all the 50 States - and capitals of America.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Would you like to hear it? - No! Here it goes.
# Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana and Columbus is the capital of Ohio # There's Montgomery, Alabama, Helena, Montana, there's # Denver, Colorado and Boise, Idaho, # Texas has Austin, then we go north to Massachusetts, Boston and Albany, # New York, Tallahassee, Florida and Washington, DC, Santa Fe, # New Mexico, Nashville, Tennessee Juneau's in Alaska and there's Lincoln in Nebraska It goes on and on and on.
I was very smart.
CHEERING Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Are you not doing the whole thing? I can't do the whole thing, you can't include the whole thing.
- Why not? - Listen, I got one for countries, too.
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, please don't! You should release a Katherine Ryan doll that you pull the string at the back and it does that.
I would buy that.
No, because I've transitioned up into Cardi B.
What, so now you just name all the Kardashians? - I can do that.
- Let's give her a minute.
While we're waiting for Katherine to make up a rap about all the Kardashians While we are waiting, Rich, were you popular in school? I was tolerated, I think.
I wasn't particularly academic.
Where you not? Because you're known for being kind of Not really.
I'm kind of good at remembering stuff.
That's all there is to it.
Also, like, on TV, I always have an earpiece in.
That's the real secret to intelligence, so you've got an earpiece in, right, Jimmy? Just things are overrunning, someone has to talk to you.
So if I was to say to you, for example, what is the capital of South Sudan? Now, you don't have a fucking clue, but there's a whole group of people upstairs now who will be googling that.
I'm annoyed they haven't got the answer already, frankly.
Erm, it's Juba, isn't it? That's the secret of being clever.
APPLAUSE That's all you need.
OK, let's have a look at some of us as children.
So, Maya, you were a predictably adorable child.
Let's take a look at you as a child.
- Oh, God.
Yeah.
- Well, you might think you were adorable, but not as adorable as this little guy.
LAUGHTER A couple of, erm A couple of little digs earlier about obese children, Rob.
I was one, so I'm allowed I look like a frog from Fukushima.
I've not seen that photo.
I can imagine, well, I burnt it, I think, when I got it.
Tom Allen, as a child, you were exactly the same.
Take a look.
- There he is! - Yes Sorry, that's a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch.
I still had to come out, guys.
"Let me take this dickie bow off, I've got news, everyone.
" "Hold my carnation, I've got news.
" Carnation! Where did you get the flower from? The florist! OK, I've come up with my rap for the Kardashians.
- All right, let's hear it.
- Ready? # Kendall and Kylie and Rob is not smiley, but Kim brings it home # With the ass, Kourtney and Khloe will give you a blowie and # Kris is the one with the class # Stormi and Northie and Saintie and Reign # Chicago is windy in spring Dreamie and Mason They don't have a gay son, but she's out there doin' her thing.
Wow! Katherine Ryan! Tom, Rob, you went to the same school, didn't you? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh, my gosh.
We actually got in touch with the school and one of your teachers remembers you both well.
"Tom was clearly destined from an early age to be a celebrity "when he was just in year seven.
"He compered the talent cabaret brilliantly, so clever, "so talented and witty.
" CHEERING "Robert was very different.
"Not particularly academic or able.
" LAUGHTER He's not wrong, though! It was weird at our school because you was only popular if you was good at fighting or football or you was fit.
Erm I was none of those things.
Tom was loved by all the teachers.
I just kept my head down.
I wanted to get out there as quickly as possible.
It was not for me.
Tom went on holiday with one of his teachers.
Erm HECKLING Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want that guy to have to go to jail because of you.
And you know what? I'm quite happy I wasn't "able".
It was a school choir trip to Germany, Rob.
Stop over-egging it.
Well, shall we test who got the most out of school? Let's have our very own spelling bee.
- Oh - Yeah! - Come on up, this will be fun.
- OK - I've never watched a spelling bee in my life.
Spelling bee, all right.
You stand there - We are not American.
- B-E-E! - You've got your face each other.
- Sorry.
- Face each other.
OK.
Now, we've upped the ante a little bit.
Yeah.
So if you answer incorrectly, I will give you an electric shock.
- Oh - You'll be fine, don't worry about it.
I do really need a wee.
It's another Imagine I just pissed myself here.
You'd all be like, "No, we won't tell anyone.
" Oh! Fuck off! - Fucking hell! - Does it really hurt? It's like a badger going up me arse! Does it really hurt? - No, it's fine.
- It ain't nice.
- I'm quite annoyed.
- Ow! I didn't like that at all! I thought you'd be into it! OK - Oh, my arse.
- Can we have some tension lighting, please? Have I pissed myself? OK, Tom, you're up first.
Can you spell the word FACETIOUS? Yes.
BUZZER Argh! Stop, Jimmy! No! That is incorrect.
The correct spelling of FACETIOUS is There's no way there's a T in there, is there? - What did I say? - Do you want to try again? No.
OK, next one.
- Rob? - Yeah? MANOEUVRE.
Oh Don't fucking give it that, like you know what's going on! Even Rich Osman went, "Oh" Good luck, Rob.
MANOEUVRE.
HAND CLAPPING Take it, Rob.
- BUZZER - Argh! Oh! That was like Back To The Future when Biff got angry! Ohhhh! MANOEUVRE is - Oh - You should have just read it off the autocue.
I was going to say, it's right there! OK, next one.
Easy one.
Spell PTERODACTYL.
Oh, fuck off! P?! Oh, yeah LAUGHTER BUZZER Argh! OK, you were doing really well.
It was You missed out the C.
Oh, well, I was very worried about getting electrocuted in the arse.
They're like those things they used to advertise that you put on your tummy and got a six pack.
- Yeah.
- I'm going to have an amazing six pack just on my arse.
If you play your cards right later LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Really? Rob.
I feel so sad.
I've got the posture of a dog at Battersea.
JIMMY LAUGHS Easy one for you, Rob.
RHYTHM.
Great start.
- Correct! - Yes! Yes! So Rob is the winner! - You've won the spelling bee! - I won it! Ow! Ow! Jimmy, no! Argh! Get off! Come on back.
I thought Tom would be straight at the end.
It was like some sort of horrible gay conversion therapy.
- Oh, my God! - Was that you being straight? "Oh, my God! I can't believe it!" I think I'm literally straight.
OK, so we're going to get some answers now.
- What do you think, Maya? - Erm I prefer them to be academic because then they have more job options.
What would you want them to do? What would be the ideal job, if you had a kid? Someone that flies into space.
Astronaut.
LAUGHTER Were you - and I'm going to ask, after you've just said, "Someone "that flies into space, whatever that is called Astronaut, yeah.
" Academic, popular, what were you like at school? I wasn't very academic.
I was, like, the performance child that was really into drama and dance and all those kind of things, but everything that I actually had to think really hard about rubbish.
Fair enough, it's worked out brilliantly.
Yeah.
If any of your teachers are watching, fuck ya.
OK, let's get some answers on this.
Would you prefer your child to be academic or popular at school? - What do you think? - Erm To be honest, I don't really care, I'm quite a hands-off dad.
Ultimately, though, the really popular ones at school were quite annoying, weren't they? So I'd go academic.
You're going to go academic.
OK.
What would you go with? - Katherine? - I don't want clever kids, Jimmy.
Clever kids cost you more, they want to play instruments and go to college.
You can have the thick ones earning at 15.
Richard Osman, you're a dad.
Academic kids, popular kids? What would be your preference? I would say academic.
The kids who were super-popular at my school, it's like a scrap yard, Facebook now.
You just think, "Oh, man.
" So what are you going to go for, Katherine Ryan? Well, as the most popular girl in this team, I'm going to go against the turn.
I'm going to go with popular.
OK.
Well, I can tell you, 77% of our studio audience would prefer their child to be academic.
No! SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE So at the end of that round, it's four points for Rob's team, no points for Katherine's team.
That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
- Tom.
- I like to try on my housemate's clothes.
Which is awkward because I live with my mum and dad.
Do you really still live with your mum and dad? Jimmy, yes, I do.
He does! The housing market is very volatile at the moment.
There was a time when it was very difficult to buy, now it's too risky.
We don't know what's going to happen with Brexit.
What do you think? What do you like doing? If you've got the house to yourself.
Mia, what doyou think? Walking around the house naked.
Oh, they love that, don't they? Just being naked and free.
I never do that cos there's mirrors in my house and it's depressing.
Um Jimmy, you're a vampire, don't be ridiculous! There is no reflection there.
I do look a little bit like a vampire.
A little bit? Oh, cos you're not pale! You look as if you get sunburned looking in the fridge.
It's fair, that's true.
What about you Rob? You left in the house on your own So, I'm never left home alone really because I've got two kids and my wife.
I work away from home quite a lot as well so I think, the things I always think, because I'm never alone in the house, it's nice, isn't it? When you're on your own.
I sort of think, if my wife did leave me it would be devastating but the first three days .
.
would be bliss.
You'd still have the kids though.
It's the kids that keep the structure.
So I live on my own, I bought it.
However, I do He left me.
I enjoy Where is he? I like it that my daughter lives with me because when she's at her dad's every other weekend, I do go a bit feral.
And you think you're up to exciting things like having a threesome with the Deliveroo driver and the Urban Massage guy - no.
All I do is sleep 14 hours a day and by day, I mean the day.
And stay up all night watching reruns of Teen Mom until she gets back.
You're like a Teen Mum: Where Are They Now? By the way, if there are any teen mums watching, I will pay you to buy your placenta and inject it into my face.
Richard.
Um.
What I like doing, and I get told off for doing it when there's people in the house, so I always do it when there's no-one in, I like answering back to the telly.
I do that a lot.
You know, when it's like Homes Under The Hammer and I leave it on and you can hear them going, "Well, we did tell you it was a bit of a risk, let's see how it gets on at auction.
" "Yeah, you did tell us, didn't you, you smarmy bastard?!" It's very early in the day as well.
Those programmes are on 11, 12 o'clock.
Really, it's as soon as you wake up.
It's interesting, that Homes Under The Hammer thing, because if you're watching a box set, watching Peaky Blinders or Narcos or something, you can only really watch that with someone.
It feels very lonely to be watching something like that by yourself.
But, at the same time, you cannot watch Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt with someone.
Because that points to a bleakness of a relationship.
So, if I ever 10am, by the way, Homes Under The Hammer.
If I'm watching Homes Under The Hammer, I'll love it.
The second anyone else is in the room, I'll be like, "Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.
" Er, OK.
So what do you think? For me, it's to have a quick wank, because lesbians No, but can I just explain? Lesbian sex takes forever.
- Really? - Yes, someone just has to call it.
There is no logical end.
It always has to go to judges' scores at the end, doesn't it? Well, that's the thing.
It's kind of like cricket in that way, because it goes on forever and there's so many men at home watching it on the internet, but I just sometimes, you know What was your term for it again, Katherine Ryan? Oh, scratching the record.
Wacca-wacca-wa-wa.
Oh, my God.
- Well - That's so much better than finger-blasting.
- No, it's not! - Scratching the record's gentle.
I literally don't know what any of you are talking about.
OK, so let's get some answers on this.
Best thing about having the house to yourself.
What do you think? - I think, Rich, you were pretty close earlier.
- Watching TV? You're absolutely right.
The best thing about having the house to yourself is you can watch what you want on TV.
Yes, the best thing about having the house to yourself is you can watch what you want on TV.
My nana's always home alone, or at least she was the last time I checked, but she was sleeping at the bottom of the stairs so I thought, better not wake her up.
OK, top thing your parents don't understand.
Oh, why I'm still living at home.
That's the top answer, right? That's the top answer.
- Right? - Katherine, top thing parents don't understand.
- What do your parents not get? - Er, bisexuals.
My dad doesn't understand bisexuals.
He thinks lesbians are easier to understand, he's in favour of the culture, you know? Like, they wear a lot of Superdry, ironically.
I get it.
I find straight people easier to understand, because they have a culture, don't they? They have those pregnancy scares and car-boot sales.
It's tricky.
Rich Osman, what do your parents not understand? Well, my mum, she doesn't understand why Eggheads isn't on every day.
- She doesn't understand - Sorry, your mum is a massive fan of Eggheads? - Oh, my God, she loves - Eggheads.
- That's a kick in the teeth, isn't it? - Listen, it's fine.
Sometimes, there's a I do a show called House Of Games, which replaces Eggheads sometimes - she's furious.
She's like, put it on at a different time but don't take Eggheads off.
Er, OK.
Top thing parents don't understand.
- Is it the internet? - Er My mum and dad cannot get it.
They treat the Wi-Fi code like it's some sort of scripture from the past.
It's like sellotaped onto the back of the remote control.
It's on the fing modem box.
It's sellotaped, it's laminated, stuck on the fridge.
That's the code.
Do not lose the code! - Yeah.
- It's saved on your phone! It's to do with communication.
What do you think, Maya? - Slang.
- A kind of slang, very specific kind of slang.
- Text speak.
- Text speak is exactly the right answer.
- Yeah, Richard! Yeah, we're back in the game! Yes, the top thing parents don't understand is text speak.
We just need to make text speak that parents would actually use.
YAD - you're a disappointment.
TNM - that's not music.
Or TCOHSOJ - they come over here stealing our jobs.
KLAXON That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, the final scores are, the Katherines and Richard have two points, but the winners are Rob, Tom and Maya with four points! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.