8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e05 Episode Script
Angela Barnes, Paisley Billings, Lloyd Griffith, Tom Read Wilson
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats, give her a good reception.
It's Paisley Billings.
He's a stand-up guy - it's Lloyd Griffith.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, from Celebs Go Dating, it's Tom Read Wilson.
She's got funny Barnes.
It's Angela Barnes.
And Katherine Ryan, their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 out 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in three Brits have got BO? So have a look at the person on your left, and have a look at the person on your right, and if there's no-one there because you stink, it's you.
Only 5% of people wash their hands correctly after using the toilet.
I do, although I find it quite hard to work up a good lather with those urinal cakes.
And one in three Brits don't know why we celebrate Easter.
Well, it's to celebrate Jesus hatching from a chocolate egg laid by the Easter Bunny.
And also, double bank holiday bonanza.
Thanks, Jesus! Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? Is it the return of Game of Thrones? First episode was this week.
Oh, this was huge.
Did you watch it? Yeah, I'm a big fan of it.
I'll be honest with you, I've got no idea what's happening.
I didn't know what was going on.
Have you watched the previous ones, though? No.
OK.
I found that saying, "I've never seen Game of Thrones" this week on Twitter became the new announcing that you're a vegan and everyone just, "I've never seen any of it" and that was me as well, so I watched it, and I've learned that it's a story of seven kingdoms and they all have rulers and this Jon character, he fancied the blonde one and he wanted to be with her so they could have a stronger kingdom.
She made him bow to her, it was a real Beyonce move, and then he was turned on by that.
They're now dating and he has the power of her dragons and they're together trying to rule the seven kingdoms and there's violence and there's incest and nudity and that's Game of Thrones and it's great.
APPLAUSE Paisley, not a fan? I just don't get it.
I tried to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones a few times and I just didn't really get what was going on.
I just don't think it's for me.
I've never watched it.
I've never watched it at all.
Like, it's all dragons, backstabbing and tits.
I don't need to watch that - I went to a girls' school.
OK, take a look at this dramatic moment from last week's show, when Jon Snow discovers who he really is.
This is like the Jeremy Kyle reveal.
Your mother was Lyanna Stark.
And your father your real father was Rhaegar Targaryen.
You've never been a bastard.
You are Aegon Targaryen, true heir to the Iron Throne.
You're the true king.
Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, protector of the realm, all of it.
I think that's my favourite sentence I've ever seen.
"You've never been a bastard!" It's like an emotional moment on a northern stag do.
"Oh, come here, you lovely big bastard!" It's a curious melange of Lancastrian and New England, isn't it, their accent? He makes everything classier.
It was a bit EastEnders, that bit, wasn't it? It was like in EastEnders where Kat Slater's like, "You ain't my mum.
Yes, I am!" I think They should have played the drums in there, that would have been much better.
Yeah, yeah.
Can we have the drums? Can we find them? Let's see if it works.
OK, this is how dramatic it was.
You're the true king, Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, protector of the realm, all of it.
EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS That works.
OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, the new series of Game of Thrones.
Game of Thrones is set in Westeros, a lawless country full of poverty, violence and dragons, like an upmarket Wales.
Katherine's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? They've been talking about Easter and how it's so hot because what a chocolate egg hunt needs is heat, you know? I'm excited about the hot weather, Jimmy, because I'm regularly seen in a bikini in my garden passed out, but when it's hot out, fewer people call child services.
See, I'm going to be skinning out, like, as soon as the sun comes out Skinning out? Skin is out.
Oh, skinning out.
Yeah.
Oh, so sun comes out, the skin comes out.
Yeah.
I've never heard the expression skinning out.
It's derived from patois, right? Right.
There's a song, it's like a popular bashment song, and the artist screams, "Skin out mi pum-pum!" basically meaning she's going to get her genitals out, and I don't mean it like that, I just mean I'm going to be skinning out, not skinning out my pum-pum, just skinning out.
Thank God, because I misunderstood, I thought you were skinning out your pum-pum.
You know me, I'm old school like that.
I can't imagine you in a heatwave, Jimmy.
Actually, if you wore shorts, you'd be, like proper smart shorts, like you was a Victorian boarding school boy I would say, I look like a 1930s boxer in shorts.
Now, you in short, I imagine, looks like the world's biggest toddler.
Yeah.
I'm very thick of calf, as well.
Really? I couldn't wear socks as a kid because I was too fat and I still You know this.
Still trying to squeeze that through under the radar there.
You know when you're too fat for socks? To be fair, if we're doing thick legs, I'm just a warm-up act for what this boy's got under here.
Let's see how thick these legs are.
They are quite chunky! On the desk, on the desk or we can't see it.
All right, go on, Lloyd! Go on, let's Whoa! I'm scared! It's knobbly! Look at that calf! APPLAUSE Wow, you're so lithe.
You can't even get that back.
I can't get it down.
Has anyone any Vaseline and a shoehorn? Did you do anything at Easter, Tom? I'm going to Stirling for a ramble.
What? What's a ramble, Tom? A ramble's like a lovely extended walk in the countryside with vistas for days.
I adore it.
That's your real voice, isn't it? Where are you rambling? I'm afraid so.
Where's he from? No, where are you rambling? Where's he from? He's from the olden days.
I think he's from Downton Abbey.
I think he's upstairs but I'm not sure.
Rob, what does Easter mean to you? So let me This is what happens, yeah? Easter, he died on the Friday Yeah.
Came back on Sunday Yeah.
Took her for a drink on Tuesday making love by Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, chilled on Saturday.
Yeah, near enough.
It makes more sense than a bunny, doesn't it? Yeah, the bunny makes sense because it's about sex.
It's a very sexual holiday.
Is it? Fertility, that's why it's eggs, rabbits, they're very prolific fornicators.
It's a sex holiday that we've somehow attached to, like, candy and chocolate to lure children in.
I don't like it.
You see, in our house, my dad ran a sex shop for a living Nice.
So we used to get chocolate nipples at Easter.
It was a proper seedy one.
It did have a section on dwarf porn but he put it on a really tall shelf, which I always thought was a mistake.
Did you work there as a kid? Not as a kid, no! He didn't take me to Take your Daughter to Work Day.
"What did you do?" "Dildo stock-take with my dad.
" No.
I actually, I don't like Easter because I am a choirboy as well as a comedian and so I'm just working the whole time and people go, "Oh, yeah, it's just Easter Sunday" but you've got Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Saturday with midnight mass and then obviously the big day, Easter Sunday with three services.
I'm not even getting double bubble for it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go on, son.
What do you mean, you're a choirboy? I'm a choirman, a choirlad.
What's the big hit at Easter? What's the big song at Easter? When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, I guess.
Come on, give us I've got the lyrics.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA # When I survey the wondrous cross On which the Prince of Glory died CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That made my knees buckle.
It oscillated through the desk.
Get them out on the desk.
Come on, let's see your knees.
My knees, they buckle.
Do they? Liked it.
Those are some calves! OK, Easter egg hunts can be dangerous.
Take a look at this.
Ruairi, let's see you throw it! Is that the mummy egg? Let's see you throw it.
Oh! Oh Yes! APPLAUSE That was brutal.
I was actually on a night out once.
This was when I was single, and I met this girl and then we were walking to the bus stop together and we stopped at the side of the road for like, I kiss, while I was waiting for the bus and as I lent in to kiss her, a car drove past and egged her.
Andshe just had egg all over her face.
Are you sure that's what happened? A car did it.
Darling, I got egged in Stockwell, you know.
You got egged in Stockwell? Yes, from behind.
It was like a missile.
I'm not buying any of this.
I was so cross, I turned to them and I went, "I bet it's not even free-range!" APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Easter is up there.
Yes, it's Easter.
The reason we celebrate Easter is because 2,000 years ago a man walked on water, got crucified and then rose from the dead.
You couldn't make it up.
Oh, no, wait, they did.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Is it Julian Assange? Oh! I do like that name.
I like saying it - Assange.
Basically, he's been arrested, he's been removed from the Ecuadorian embassy.
They had to get rid of him.
Imagine, like, getting a job at the embassy and it's your first day and they're like, "OK, so there's a photocopier there, that's the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah, see that bloke there? "Don't worry about him, he's just rubbing shit on the walls "and been accused of sexual assault.
"He lives here, it's fine, it's fine" Didn't he also? Wasn't he hiding in there for seven years to escape a five-year jail sentence? That's not good maths, is it? Yeah, I know.
Rolf Harris has been in and out for noncing in that time.
I'm sorry, if I was trying to think of something A more south London sentence "He's been in and out for noncing in less time.
" It's just the facts, innit? All right, Fagan.
KATHERINE: Well, he did dramatically change his appearance.
I mean, he went in just looking like a regular, clean-cut date rapist and he came out looking like one of those hiding-in-the-bushes rapists, and that's a big change.
We won't know if he's a rapist unless he goes back to Sweden and faces the charges.
ROB: How bad can a Swedish prison be? You have to build a cell yourself, they just give you some instructions "Oh, meatballs again!" Well, he's been having fun in there as well.
Take a look at this fascinating and revealing CCTV footage of Julian Assange passing the time holed up in the embassy.
I don't know how we got this footage, it's like the Big Brother House.
Yeah! Look at him, look at him go.
Oh, oh, oh! OK.
I mean, this is after seven years as well.
This is Who got him a skateboard? That's taking the piss.
That's like giving him a sat nav.
Tom, what would you do if you were trapped in a house for seven years? Tapestries take a long time.
You'd do a tapestry.
I'd do a tapestry.
What year are you from?! Paisley, if you were stuck in there, if you were inside a house for seven years, what would you do? Do you know what? I'd probably be smearing my shit on the walls too.
Seven years! Seven years, and you're just stuck in there.
Yeah.
Knowing that I can't leave, I reckon I would sort of start decorating.
Decorating! KATHERINE: What do you think's going to happen to him now, Jimmy? Cos Donald Trump doesn't even know what WikiLeaks is.
Well, he does and he doesn't.
You said he doesn't.
Well, he said he doesn't, but I think he might know what WikiLeaks is because sometimes he says a lot about WikiLeaks and sometimes he pretends he doesn't know what it is.
Have a look.
WikiLeaks, I love WikiLeaks.
CHEERING WikiLeaks, oh, WikiLeaks.
WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks, right? WikiLeaks WikiLeaks Boy, that WikiLeaks has done a job on her, hasn't it? I know nothing about WikiLeaks.
The thing is, you know he's evil, but you quite like him after that, don't you? Do you think while Assange was in there, like, obviously, they took his Wi-Fi away, didn't they, so he couldn't get involved in any of that? And I wonder if he needed to get his whistle-blowing fix, if he was, like, leaving Post-it notes on the fridge, like, "It was Barbara who stole your milk, Dave.
" You've really nailed those Ecuadorian names.
Barbara and Dave, you know, the Ecuadorians.
OK, I can tell you Julian Assange is not up there.
But the Ecuadoran embassy was sad to see Julian Assange go because it proved quite handy to have someone there over the weekends to sign for packages.
All right, fingers on buzzers, what else? BUZZER Katherine Ryan, what have people been talking about? Is it Kim, the most important Kardashian, training to have an actual law degree? I want my solicitor to have a sex tape, and to have been robbed, and to be married to Kanye West.
You know, that's someone who knows the legal system in and out.
And it just goes to show that a mother will do absolutely anything in the world to look busy in front of the nanny.
You've got Judge Judy Yep.
.
.
you've got Judge Rinder, they're both now reality stars, why not have some traffic going the other way? That's why she's doing it.
No That's why she's doing it! Yeah, that's it, Paisley.
She wants to be on TV more! Yeah, she just wants to be famous.
She's just a wannabe, the most famous wannabe in the world.
You've sniffed her out, Paisley, well done.
ROB: I think she'll be a great lawyer.
She's been getting blokes off for years.
LLOYD: The course that she's doing, it's a multiple choice, the exams are multiple choice and that's just a questionnaire, isn't it, do you know what I mean? "Is murder - A, bad, B, frowned upon, "or C, so in this season?" What's, er? I don't want to Erm Her arse.
It keeps growing, doesn't it? KATHERINE: Yes.
ROB: Is that? What's happening there? KATHERINE: That, Rob, is fat grafting.
So a doctor will go in and lipo any extra fat that you have from your body and harvest all those fat cells and put it in your bum.
You love Kim, right? I really do.
I like Kim Kardashian but, and it's a big BUT APPLAUSE Fine.
Well, I can tell you Kim Kardashian training to be a lawyer is not up there.
OK, what else have people been talking about? Buzz in.
BUZZER Go on.
What have you got? Is it Notre Dame burning? Oh I happen to know Yeah.
.
.
you were in France last week.
Yes, I was in Paris and I smoked one blunt under the spire .
.
it's not my fault they don't have ashtrays.
I sang there when I was 12.
You did! I did.
What did you sing? I sang the Cantique de Jean Racine.
By Faure? Yes, by Faure.
Yeah, it's a great song.
Yes.
All right Were you also a choir boy? I was.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Oh, and you've sung inyou've sung in better places than Lloyd? I've sung there.
This is amazing! No, he hasn't.
No, but I haven't got pipes like that.
I haven't got Where have you sang? Everywhere.
Name a cathedral and I've sang in it.
Ooh.
This is quite exciting but pathetic.
St Paul's.
Yeah, I've sung there, mate, three times.
It's the weirdest kind of ROB LAUGHS It's so It's laddy on one level.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
"Oh, St Paul's? Yeah, I've sang in that, yeah.
" I absolutely love cathedrals, like, it's my thing.
Genuinely to the point where if you name any English cathedral, I can tell you a fact about it.
Don't do that again.
York Minster.
York Minster, it's a minster, not a cathedral.
HE CHUCKLES OK.
Cool, erm What's the difference between a minster and a cathedral? Very good question.
What about Exeter? Exeter.
All right, Exeter, it's got two towers either side, it's got no tower or spire in the middle which means the bit of wood that goes from the east end to the west end is actually the largest bit of wood in England.
Well, second-largest, wha-hey-hey! APPLAUSE There's going to be someone out there, a lot of people watch this show, there's going to be someone out there that like cathedrals and lads and in that Venn diagram, they've just hit the fucking jackpot with you.
And hopefully it'll be a lady cos I am lonely.
ANGELA: Did you see Donald Trump said that they should fight the fire with flying water tankers? Mm.
Does he mean clouds? He also LAUGHTER He said flying water tankers, then he went, "And they better be quick as well.
" OK, we'll get right on that, then.
Those things that we don't have that around here.
It's not actually that bad though because all the really important stuff survived, I think.
So it's a bit like if Bluewater burnt down, but House of Fraser, John Lewis and Marks & Spencer survived, I would be OK with Lush going.
APPLAUSE Wouldn't it? You wouldn't be bothered.
KATHERINE: They're going to be fine, they've had loads of donations, it's going to be be bigger and better than ever and if anyone's on board with reconstructing old things, it's me.
If I thought that Disney was going to pay for me to have a new pair of tits, hand me a match right now.
Paisley Yes.
.
.
have you ever been to Paris? No, I've never been.
Actually, I went to Disneyland Paris once but I don't think that's actually in Paris, so, no, not really.
And that's where you got the outfit? APPLAUSE The great thing about Notre Dame burning down is no-one hurt, that was the good thing.
As soon as people get hurt, I give a fuck, but And also all these Christians are worried about Notre Dame burning down but it's Easter, it'll be back on Monday.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE Won't it? Well, a lot of people, Rob You say that, a lot of people think they saw Jesus in the flames.
Have a look at this.
Oh, God.
A lot of people thought that Oh, yeah, they're right, there he is.
Fuck off! I mean, can anyone see it? Is anyone? All I can see is about £10 million worth of scaffold.
Imagine pricing up that scaffold job.
"I haven't got enough poles.
" Also it isn't even that old.
That spire, it was like, "Oh, my God, history's burning down" It was rebuilt in, like, 1973.
No, no It's like No, it's bollocks, Lloyd, I'm having it out now, I've had enough of this.
They keep going all this history, it's like Trigger's broom, they keep rebuilding it! They've had about 15 spires.
JIMMY LAUGHS He's gone.
Aw.
It's like we've turned up the south London this week somehow.
"Oh, Notre Dame, think it's old, do you? Trigger's broom, mate.
" "Those stained glass windows? No, I sold them that double glazing.
" OK, let's have a look and see if Notre Dame is up there.
Yes, Notre Dame.
APPLAUSE French President Emmanuel Macron looked devastated as he stood next to the 800-year-old crumbling ruin or Mrs Macron, as she prefers to be known.
She's a little bit older than him.
25 years.
So, those were the nation's most talked about things.
But in other news, it's been revealed Amazon has been flooded with fake five-star reviews.
It's not always easy to spot the fake ones.
For years, I thought Katherine's were real.
He means my balls.
I love Amazon, it's so convenient to immediately order anything online with just one click and then wait in all day for it to arrive, miss the delivery, then have to drive all the way to the post office, past the shop you could've bought it from in the first place.
Basically, hassle-free.
Nigel Farage launched a new Brexit Party.
If you don't know much about the Brexit Party, it's basically the rubbish, straight-to-DVD sequel to Ukip.
Nigel Farage has a very distinctive look.
He looks like someone put Mr Toad in the microwave.
On Wednesday, North Korea tested a new type of guided missile.
Kim Jong-un is going to end up in the doghouse, which is his favourite local restaurant.
So, at the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for a special Easter bonus round now.
Rob, Katherine, join me in the middle for Egg Roulette.
CHEERING OK, in front of you are seven eggs - some are raw, some are hard-boiled.
The aim of the game is to crack as many raw eggs on your opponent's head as possible.
Lighting change, please.
Let's play Egg Roulette.
OK, Katherine, you're up first.
Please select your egg.
Ideally you want a raw egg here.
OK, now Just be gentle, don't All you've got to do is smash that on Rob's lovely little face.
You really can't miss, it's massive.
Where would you like it, Rob? On the forehead, avoid the eyes and mouth, the teeth are the moneymaker.
Ready? Go.
APPLAUSE OK.
You are one-for-one.
Wow.
Quite aggressive, Jimmy.
It was quite aggressive, yeah.
OK.
OK, I should say, some are raw, some are hard-boiled, there is one marble egg.
Before I do this, I'd like to say I am a feminist.
OK.
But if you want me to throw an egg at a woman, I will have to put that aside.
Yeah.
But I suppose pure feminism, equals ops, innit? APPLAUSE Oh, no.
Rob Sorry! You've had worse things in your hair.
Where did you want it, sorry? I feel so emotional, Rob, no-one's ever asked me that before.
OK.
So, it's Katherine, your go.
Pick an egg.
Is it hard-boiled? I can't tell.
No, you can't.
That's sort of the game we're playing.
Oh, yeah.
OK, right in the face on this one, in the face.
In the face? In the face, yeah.
Lean over a bit.
Oh, it's That is hard-boiled.
Did that hurt? Er, no, it was actually quite pleasant.
It's one-all so far.
So, right in the face.
OK.
Oh APPLAUSE That was soft-boiled! Jimmy, you've soft-boiled these.
Now, what does that count as? Is that half a point? We're going to have to go to VAR on that.
OK, all right, so it's 2-1 in Rob's favour at the moment.
OK, Katherine, your go.
OK.
Ready, spin.
OK, OK.
Right, here we go.
Oh, hang on.
That's got pubes.
OK, right in the face.
OK, ready? Ugh.
APPLAUSE Did it hurt, did it hurt? Erm Did it hurt? Quite aggressive, but fine.
Current score is two-all, this is the decider.
OK.
She can't see! OK.
Right, ready, Katherine? Yeah, yeah.
Ugh! APPLAUSE Rob is the winner of Egg Roulette.
Congratulations, Rob.
We're going to clean things up, see you after the break.
This is also soft-boiled! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Paisley, Lloyd, what do you like the look of? What do you think? The lady singer, she looks happy.
OK.
Well, you have got the karaoke singer, so here is your question I mean, I hate karaoke.
It's just too much reading.
It's like It's the most Cockney he's ever been! Little ball's patronising.
I don't know what the words are, but I know it goes that way! Thing is with karaoke, no-one really likes it.
Because if you're too good, everyone goes, "Oh, show off.
" If you're rubbish, everyone's like, "You're shit.
" So everyone just likes a mediocre "Hey, Paul.
"Come and listen to this guy.
He's absolutely mediocre!" If I want to hear Robbie Williams sung badly, I'll just go to a Robbie Williams gig.
ALL: Oh! Paisley? What's your go-to, what's your classic? I Want To Dance With Somebody, Whitney Huston.
That's always a good 'un.
What's the big hit with the high note? And I Will Always Love You.
Oh, yeah.
When they try and do that and you go, "No, do the Dolly Parton version, you might have a shot.
" "But the Whitney version, you're dreaming.
" I find that quite funny, though.
The whole build-up and everything.
And they're like, # And I # Angela, what do you think? I've never done karaoke.
I've never done karaoke? I've never done it cos I can't sing.
Cos I'm hard of hearing, wear hearing aids.
I mean, it's really bad, Jimmy, when I sing.
We don't get a harvest, that's how bad it is.
You wear hearing aids? I wear hearing aids.
So how do you know your singing's bad? Well, I do now cos I've got a hearing aid.
But people have told me.
So, for years you thought, "I'm nailing this!" Yes.
Karaoke is not about being a good singer.
It's about your perspective lovers know that you are an attention seeking alcoholic.
LAUGHTER Karaoke is the most beautiful word.
I mean, the origin.
It's a Japanese portmanteau.
It's "karappo" and "okesutra" which means "empty orchestra".
And so the notion is that you have to add something yourself, to complete the music.
Tom, let me ask you, how are the wife and kids? DEEP VOICE: They're all right, mate.
APPLAUSE Tom, you studied at the Royal Academy, didn't you? I did.
How did you know that? It's written down.
You think I'm your stalker.
No, I You've addition for The Voice back in 2016.
Let's take a look at a particularly rousing clip of you singing here.
#.
.
You've got to accentuate everything that is positive # Eliminate the slightest crazy anything that is negative # Latch on to the affirmative # Don't mess with Mr In-Between # No, don't mess with Mr In-Between # Oh, no, don't miss with Mr .
.
In-Between.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Lloyd, you're a singer, right? You love karaoke? Yeah, but everyone thinks I'm going to be really good at it.
Unless the DJ's got like Mozart's Requiem.
What's your classic karaoke go-to? If I was to, it would be like, I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor.
Because you are a? I'm a strong independent woman.
Go on, give it a go.
If I give you a mic, give it a go.
There's a microphone.
Can you just pass the mic? Oh! Oh, sorry.
Are we doing acting awards because? Oh, no, there is a microphone.
Oh no! Pass that microphone over, please? Can you pass that over? How do you hold it? You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
No, but it's for showbiz.
Oh! APPLAUSE OK, so we've got I Will Survive.
Roll the track.
INTRO BEGINS He's just got divorced! LAUGHTER # First I was afraid, I was petrified # Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights Why is it Welsh? # Thinking how did you did me wrong, I grew strong # And I learned how to get along # And so you're back # From outer space # I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face # Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye, # Do you think I'd crumble? # Did you think I would lay down and die? # Oh, no not I # I will survive # As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive # I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give # I will survive I will sur-vive! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Best stag do ever! You are a very strange man.
Thank you.
Also, the Welsh accent Stop eating your feelings.
LAUGHTER When you sing, you go so Welsh, so fast It's weird, isn't it? Because I'm not Welsh, I'm from Grimsby.
Which isn't in Wales.
We Oh, no, don't.
Please do, please do.
Lloyd did my tour support when I was on tour.
We did a gig in Wales and within an hour he'd managed to lose the crowd immediately with his opening line and it was the funniest thing.
He said and they just hated you immediately.
Hello, my name is Lloyd Griffiths, I've got a very Welsh name.
I look Welsh, very fat and hairy, but I'm not one of you.
You opened with that? Yeah.
I nearly died laughing.
The only person who was happy was Rob backstage.
Katherine, what's your, your karaoke song of choice? Cos I know you basically learned all of Cardi B's back catalogue.
Yeah, I really like hip-hop.
Do you know Cardi B, Tom? I don't, I'm afraid.
Because he's an auntie of 60 so of course he doesn't.
He's a fan of Cardi-gans.
Sometimes they don't have to be complicated.
I like the one where she goes SHE RAPS: I'll be real, man, I don't need a geezer for nothin' I'm lookin' better every day, I got the Benjamin Button Claiming he don't got a girl, I know men, they be frontin' I don't need no bitch coming up to me as a woman Ay, I want something more than just physical It's been a while since I met someone original I spend my time drinking wine in my living room All this good pussy can't find anyone to give it to.
But I can, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's get some marks on this.
So we asked the studio audience What do you think? I think that's false.
I think people like it, don't they? OK, so you're saying false? What are you going for? We think it's true.
OK.
I can tell you the answer is true.
60% of our audience secretly hate karaoke.
APPLAUSE I love karaoke.
It's basically X Factor but for people whose back story is too tragic even for ITV.
So at the end of that round, it's two points for Rob's team and two points for Katherine's team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, that's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER Smelly helmet.
I was going to say burping.
That is outrageous! That mime's amazing! Well, I suppose the equivalent for boys is disco fanny.
I heard someone describe it once as being a bit gamey.
Gamey?! Not mine! Not mine! TOM: Have you ever seen the Great Wall Of Vagina? Yes! Isn't it beautiful? It's a wonderful work of art, I think my favourite, actually, where about 70 vulvas are cast in stone.
Yes.
Do you know what, Tom? If somebody had asked me to guess your favourite work of art, that would not have been! LAUGHTER You know, I think it's curious, I think it's because I'm so familiar with the other, I want to see it.
Mm-hmm.
Just, he keeps on giving! Do you know, whenever Like, cos as women, we get our bits looked at all the time, don't we? Like, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck it, I'll let the window cleaner have a look! Everyone.
LAUGHTER Every time a nurse or a gynaecologist has looked at my bits, they've told me I've got a lovely cervix.
I don't know what that means, but I do know that in my life, I've been told my cervix is lovely way more than I've been told my face is.
Do they say that? "That's a lovely one.
You could eat your dinner off that!" I think it just means that it's got good blood flow and it's sort of shiny.
I used to be a nurse.
You can tell, can't you? You used to be a nurse? Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
How fascinating.
Have you seen a lot ofa lot of them, then? Quite a lot, yeah.
The most disturbing thing I've ever seen is, it can happen sometimes, when people get old, things get a little bitchange placeI I've seen a woman shit out of her vagina, that's what Oh! Katherine Ryan! Look, they got what they paid for.
That wins.
That's worse than smelly helmet.
LAUGHTER Funny story, that's how it got smelly! LAUGHTER AND GROANS PAISLEY: Are you serious?! I thank you.
APPLAUSE A new low! What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you on a date, Tom? Oh! I went to a Damien Hirst exhibition Right.
.
.
with a date.
OK.
And he wouldn't go in the butterfly room.
Is that a euphemism, Tom? No, no! LAUGHTER No, it was this beautiful, capacious room with sugared walls, and the butterflies were flying all around us, and he darted out in acute fear! Do you know, I went on a date once with this guy and he had a laugh like the Count from Sesame Street.
LOW, STACCATO LAUGH: "Ha, ha, ha.
" I thought, can't have that, that would drive me mad! It's Jimmy! APPLAUSE You know what? It's very different to yours, Jimmy! You know what show you're on, right? I don't normally go on dates dates, I just sort of start sleeping with my friends.
But if a waiter or a hotel concierge calls that man Mr Ryan, I'm just like, "Oh!" I just start packing his bags right then and there.
They call him Mr Ryan because obviously, that's the reservation, that's the credit card.
He's fine with me paying for everything, but as soon as the waiter calls him Mr Ryan, I know he's out in three weeks.
So now, I've set my Tinder parameters to only guys called Mr Ryan.
APPLAUSE Already called that! OK, let's get some answers on this.
So, biggest turn-off on a date? Well, I had someone burp at me on a date once.
What, as he leant in for a kiss, or just? No, he just wanted to be rude to me, so he burped at me.
Like, he slurped a drink IMITATES LOUD SLURPING .
.
leaned back, and went IMITATES LOUD BURP Yeah, so I think the biggest turn-off on a date is probably manners.
Rudeness? Well, it's a kind of rudeness.
What's causing the rudeness? Oh! Drink! Getting drunk! Being pissed! Getting drunk on a date.
That is the right answer, yeah.
Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, the biggest turn-off on a date is arriving drunk.
In my experience, the biggest turn-off on a date is when you get back to hers and you can't wait to get her upstairs but then it takes ages in the standard stairlift.
Really kills the mood.
LAUGHTER OK, one more question.
BUZZER I was dating someone who got a tattoo of a girl he was cheating on me with, while we were still together.
Genuinely! And when did you get suspicious? LAUGHTER He said, "This is symbolic of the type of girls I used to date, "and I'm not shagging any of them any more because I'm with you.
" I used to live a sad life.
It is the worst tattoo when a guy you're dating gets a girl he's cheating on you with tattooed on his arm while he's still dating you! It's not, but it's the most tragic story.
Congratulations, you're through to judges' houses! LAUGHTER What's the worst thing, Paisley, you've seen on Tattoo Fixers? It's really, really bad.
We've had a flying vagina before, so A what, sorry? Tom, you would have loved it! A flying vagina.
A flying vagina.
Yeah, so I've never seen one of those.
Yeah.
Neither had I, up until that point! There are female pilots, now, Jimmy, actually.
LAUGHTER And this was a tattoo of a black box, was it? APPLAUSE Am I the only tattooed person here? I've got three.
TOM: I'm a blank canvas.
You're a blank canvas? Yes.
And sometimes, if I have a potential lover and they say, "Have you got a tattoo?" I say, "Yes, it's tiny, see if you can find it.
" Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER I often say, "It's tiny, see if you can find it," but not LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lloyd, worst tattoo you could get? Like, a lot of people get their heroes on their body, don't they? So there's a lot of people knocking about with Michael Jackson tattoos, now, aren't they? Well, you've tripped over the right answer, there, I think.
Paedophiles? LAUGHTER No, the worst thing to have tattooed on your body is Celebrities! That's the right answer! Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing to have tattooed is a celebrity's face.
KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Paisley and Lloyd have two points, Katherine, Tom and Angela are the winners with four points! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's Paisley Billings.
He's a stand-up guy - it's Lloyd Griffith.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, from Celebs Go Dating, it's Tom Read Wilson.
She's got funny Barnes.
It's Angela Barnes.
And Katherine Ryan, their guest team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 out 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, one in three Brits have got BO? So have a look at the person on your left, and have a look at the person on your right, and if there's no-one there because you stink, it's you.
Only 5% of people wash their hands correctly after using the toilet.
I do, although I find it quite hard to work up a good lather with those urinal cakes.
And one in three Brits don't know why we celebrate Easter.
Well, it's to celebrate Jesus hatching from a chocolate egg laid by the Easter Bunny.
And also, double bank holiday bonanza.
Thanks, Jesus! Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? Is it the return of Game of Thrones? First episode was this week.
Oh, this was huge.
Did you watch it? Yeah, I'm a big fan of it.
I'll be honest with you, I've got no idea what's happening.
I didn't know what was going on.
Have you watched the previous ones, though? No.
OK.
I found that saying, "I've never seen Game of Thrones" this week on Twitter became the new announcing that you're a vegan and everyone just, "I've never seen any of it" and that was me as well, so I watched it, and I've learned that it's a story of seven kingdoms and they all have rulers and this Jon character, he fancied the blonde one and he wanted to be with her so they could have a stronger kingdom.
She made him bow to her, it was a real Beyonce move, and then he was turned on by that.
They're now dating and he has the power of her dragons and they're together trying to rule the seven kingdoms and there's violence and there's incest and nudity and that's Game of Thrones and it's great.
APPLAUSE Paisley, not a fan? I just don't get it.
I tried to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones a few times and I just didn't really get what was going on.
I just don't think it's for me.
I've never watched it.
I've never watched it at all.
Like, it's all dragons, backstabbing and tits.
I don't need to watch that - I went to a girls' school.
OK, take a look at this dramatic moment from last week's show, when Jon Snow discovers who he really is.
This is like the Jeremy Kyle reveal.
Your mother was Lyanna Stark.
And your father your real father was Rhaegar Targaryen.
You've never been a bastard.
You are Aegon Targaryen, true heir to the Iron Throne.
You're the true king.
Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, protector of the realm, all of it.
I think that's my favourite sentence I've ever seen.
"You've never been a bastard!" It's like an emotional moment on a northern stag do.
"Oh, come here, you lovely big bastard!" It's a curious melange of Lancastrian and New England, isn't it, their accent? He makes everything classier.
It was a bit EastEnders, that bit, wasn't it? It was like in EastEnders where Kat Slater's like, "You ain't my mum.
Yes, I am!" I think They should have played the drums in there, that would have been much better.
Yeah, yeah.
Can we have the drums? Can we find them? Let's see if it works.
OK, this is how dramatic it was.
You're the true king, Aegon Targaryen, sixth of his name, protector of the realm, all of it.
EASTENDERS DRUMBEATS That works.
OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, the new series of Game of Thrones.
Game of Thrones is set in Westeros, a lawless country full of poverty, violence and dragons, like an upmarket Wales.
Katherine's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? They've been talking about Easter and how it's so hot because what a chocolate egg hunt needs is heat, you know? I'm excited about the hot weather, Jimmy, because I'm regularly seen in a bikini in my garden passed out, but when it's hot out, fewer people call child services.
See, I'm going to be skinning out, like, as soon as the sun comes out Skinning out? Skin is out.
Oh, skinning out.
Yeah.
Oh, so sun comes out, the skin comes out.
Yeah.
I've never heard the expression skinning out.
It's derived from patois, right? Right.
There's a song, it's like a popular bashment song, and the artist screams, "Skin out mi pum-pum!" basically meaning she's going to get her genitals out, and I don't mean it like that, I just mean I'm going to be skinning out, not skinning out my pum-pum, just skinning out.
Thank God, because I misunderstood, I thought you were skinning out your pum-pum.
You know me, I'm old school like that.
I can't imagine you in a heatwave, Jimmy.
Actually, if you wore shorts, you'd be, like proper smart shorts, like you was a Victorian boarding school boy I would say, I look like a 1930s boxer in shorts.
Now, you in short, I imagine, looks like the world's biggest toddler.
Yeah.
I'm very thick of calf, as well.
Really? I couldn't wear socks as a kid because I was too fat and I still You know this.
Still trying to squeeze that through under the radar there.
You know when you're too fat for socks? To be fair, if we're doing thick legs, I'm just a warm-up act for what this boy's got under here.
Let's see how thick these legs are.
They are quite chunky! On the desk, on the desk or we can't see it.
All right, go on, Lloyd! Go on, let's Whoa! I'm scared! It's knobbly! Look at that calf! APPLAUSE Wow, you're so lithe.
You can't even get that back.
I can't get it down.
Has anyone any Vaseline and a shoehorn? Did you do anything at Easter, Tom? I'm going to Stirling for a ramble.
What? What's a ramble, Tom? A ramble's like a lovely extended walk in the countryside with vistas for days.
I adore it.
That's your real voice, isn't it? Where are you rambling? I'm afraid so.
Where's he from? No, where are you rambling? Where's he from? He's from the olden days.
I think he's from Downton Abbey.
I think he's upstairs but I'm not sure.
Rob, what does Easter mean to you? So let me This is what happens, yeah? Easter, he died on the Friday Yeah.
Came back on Sunday Yeah.
Took her for a drink on Tuesday making love by Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, chilled on Saturday.
Yeah, near enough.
It makes more sense than a bunny, doesn't it? Yeah, the bunny makes sense because it's about sex.
It's a very sexual holiday.
Is it? Fertility, that's why it's eggs, rabbits, they're very prolific fornicators.
It's a sex holiday that we've somehow attached to, like, candy and chocolate to lure children in.
I don't like it.
You see, in our house, my dad ran a sex shop for a living Nice.
So we used to get chocolate nipples at Easter.
It was a proper seedy one.
It did have a section on dwarf porn but he put it on a really tall shelf, which I always thought was a mistake.
Did you work there as a kid? Not as a kid, no! He didn't take me to Take your Daughter to Work Day.
"What did you do?" "Dildo stock-take with my dad.
" No.
I actually, I don't like Easter because I am a choirboy as well as a comedian and so I'm just working the whole time and people go, "Oh, yeah, it's just Easter Sunday" but you've got Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Saturday with midnight mass and then obviously the big day, Easter Sunday with three services.
I'm not even getting double bubble for it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Go on, son.
What do you mean, you're a choirboy? I'm a choirman, a choirlad.
What's the big hit at Easter? What's the big song at Easter? When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, I guess.
Come on, give us I've got the lyrics.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA # When I survey the wondrous cross On which the Prince of Glory died CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That made my knees buckle.
It oscillated through the desk.
Get them out on the desk.
Come on, let's see your knees.
My knees, they buckle.
Do they? Liked it.
Those are some calves! OK, Easter egg hunts can be dangerous.
Take a look at this.
Ruairi, let's see you throw it! Is that the mummy egg? Let's see you throw it.
Oh! Oh Yes! APPLAUSE That was brutal.
I was actually on a night out once.
This was when I was single, and I met this girl and then we were walking to the bus stop together and we stopped at the side of the road for like, I kiss, while I was waiting for the bus and as I lent in to kiss her, a car drove past and egged her.
Andshe just had egg all over her face.
Are you sure that's what happened? A car did it.
Darling, I got egged in Stockwell, you know.
You got egged in Stockwell? Yes, from behind.
It was like a missile.
I'm not buying any of this.
I was so cross, I turned to them and I went, "I bet it's not even free-range!" APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Easter is up there.
Yes, it's Easter.
The reason we celebrate Easter is because 2,000 years ago a man walked on water, got crucified and then rose from the dead.
You couldn't make it up.
Oh, no, wait, they did.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Is it Julian Assange? Oh! I do like that name.
I like saying it - Assange.
Basically, he's been arrested, he's been removed from the Ecuadorian embassy.
They had to get rid of him.
Imagine, like, getting a job at the embassy and it's your first day and they're like, "OK, so there's a photocopier there, that's the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah, see that bloke there? "Don't worry about him, he's just rubbing shit on the walls "and been accused of sexual assault.
"He lives here, it's fine, it's fine" Didn't he also? Wasn't he hiding in there for seven years to escape a five-year jail sentence? That's not good maths, is it? Yeah, I know.
Rolf Harris has been in and out for noncing in that time.
I'm sorry, if I was trying to think of something A more south London sentence "He's been in and out for noncing in less time.
" It's just the facts, innit? All right, Fagan.
KATHERINE: Well, he did dramatically change his appearance.
I mean, he went in just looking like a regular, clean-cut date rapist and he came out looking like one of those hiding-in-the-bushes rapists, and that's a big change.
We won't know if he's a rapist unless he goes back to Sweden and faces the charges.
ROB: How bad can a Swedish prison be? You have to build a cell yourself, they just give you some instructions "Oh, meatballs again!" Well, he's been having fun in there as well.
Take a look at this fascinating and revealing CCTV footage of Julian Assange passing the time holed up in the embassy.
I don't know how we got this footage, it's like the Big Brother House.
Yeah! Look at him, look at him go.
Oh, oh, oh! OK.
I mean, this is after seven years as well.
This is Who got him a skateboard? That's taking the piss.
That's like giving him a sat nav.
Tom, what would you do if you were trapped in a house for seven years? Tapestries take a long time.
You'd do a tapestry.
I'd do a tapestry.
What year are you from?! Paisley, if you were stuck in there, if you were inside a house for seven years, what would you do? Do you know what? I'd probably be smearing my shit on the walls too.
Seven years! Seven years, and you're just stuck in there.
Yeah.
Knowing that I can't leave, I reckon I would sort of start decorating.
Decorating! KATHERINE: What do you think's going to happen to him now, Jimmy? Cos Donald Trump doesn't even know what WikiLeaks is.
Well, he does and he doesn't.
You said he doesn't.
Well, he said he doesn't, but I think he might know what WikiLeaks is because sometimes he says a lot about WikiLeaks and sometimes he pretends he doesn't know what it is.
Have a look.
WikiLeaks, I love WikiLeaks.
CHEERING WikiLeaks, oh, WikiLeaks.
WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks WikiLeaks, right? WikiLeaks WikiLeaks Boy, that WikiLeaks has done a job on her, hasn't it? I know nothing about WikiLeaks.
The thing is, you know he's evil, but you quite like him after that, don't you? Do you think while Assange was in there, like, obviously, they took his Wi-Fi away, didn't they, so he couldn't get involved in any of that? And I wonder if he needed to get his whistle-blowing fix, if he was, like, leaving Post-it notes on the fridge, like, "It was Barbara who stole your milk, Dave.
" You've really nailed those Ecuadorian names.
Barbara and Dave, you know, the Ecuadorians.
OK, I can tell you Julian Assange is not up there.
But the Ecuadoran embassy was sad to see Julian Assange go because it proved quite handy to have someone there over the weekends to sign for packages.
All right, fingers on buzzers, what else? BUZZER Katherine Ryan, what have people been talking about? Is it Kim, the most important Kardashian, training to have an actual law degree? I want my solicitor to have a sex tape, and to have been robbed, and to be married to Kanye West.
You know, that's someone who knows the legal system in and out.
And it just goes to show that a mother will do absolutely anything in the world to look busy in front of the nanny.
You've got Judge Judy Yep.
.
.
you've got Judge Rinder, they're both now reality stars, why not have some traffic going the other way? That's why she's doing it.
No That's why she's doing it! Yeah, that's it, Paisley.
She wants to be on TV more! Yeah, she just wants to be famous.
She's just a wannabe, the most famous wannabe in the world.
You've sniffed her out, Paisley, well done.
ROB: I think she'll be a great lawyer.
She's been getting blokes off for years.
LLOYD: The course that she's doing, it's a multiple choice, the exams are multiple choice and that's just a questionnaire, isn't it, do you know what I mean? "Is murder - A, bad, B, frowned upon, "or C, so in this season?" What's, er? I don't want to Erm Her arse.
It keeps growing, doesn't it? KATHERINE: Yes.
ROB: Is that? What's happening there? KATHERINE: That, Rob, is fat grafting.
So a doctor will go in and lipo any extra fat that you have from your body and harvest all those fat cells and put it in your bum.
You love Kim, right? I really do.
I like Kim Kardashian but, and it's a big BUT APPLAUSE Fine.
Well, I can tell you Kim Kardashian training to be a lawyer is not up there.
OK, what else have people been talking about? Buzz in.
BUZZER Go on.
What have you got? Is it Notre Dame burning? Oh I happen to know Yeah.
.
.
you were in France last week.
Yes, I was in Paris and I smoked one blunt under the spire .
.
it's not my fault they don't have ashtrays.
I sang there when I was 12.
You did! I did.
What did you sing? I sang the Cantique de Jean Racine.
By Faure? Yes, by Faure.
Yeah, it's a great song.
Yes.
All right Were you also a choir boy? I was.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Oh, and you've sung inyou've sung in better places than Lloyd? I've sung there.
This is amazing! No, he hasn't.
No, but I haven't got pipes like that.
I haven't got Where have you sang? Everywhere.
Name a cathedral and I've sang in it.
Ooh.
This is quite exciting but pathetic.
St Paul's.
Yeah, I've sung there, mate, three times.
It's the weirdest kind of ROB LAUGHS It's so It's laddy on one level.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
"Oh, St Paul's? Yeah, I've sang in that, yeah.
" I absolutely love cathedrals, like, it's my thing.
Genuinely to the point where if you name any English cathedral, I can tell you a fact about it.
Don't do that again.
York Minster.
York Minster, it's a minster, not a cathedral.
HE CHUCKLES OK.
Cool, erm What's the difference between a minster and a cathedral? Very good question.
What about Exeter? Exeter.
All right, Exeter, it's got two towers either side, it's got no tower or spire in the middle which means the bit of wood that goes from the east end to the west end is actually the largest bit of wood in England.
Well, second-largest, wha-hey-hey! APPLAUSE There's going to be someone out there, a lot of people watch this show, there's going to be someone out there that like cathedrals and lads and in that Venn diagram, they've just hit the fucking jackpot with you.
And hopefully it'll be a lady cos I am lonely.
ANGELA: Did you see Donald Trump said that they should fight the fire with flying water tankers? Mm.
Does he mean clouds? He also LAUGHTER He said flying water tankers, then he went, "And they better be quick as well.
" OK, we'll get right on that, then.
Those things that we don't have that around here.
It's not actually that bad though because all the really important stuff survived, I think.
So it's a bit like if Bluewater burnt down, but House of Fraser, John Lewis and Marks & Spencer survived, I would be OK with Lush going.
APPLAUSE Wouldn't it? You wouldn't be bothered.
KATHERINE: They're going to be fine, they've had loads of donations, it's going to be be bigger and better than ever and if anyone's on board with reconstructing old things, it's me.
If I thought that Disney was going to pay for me to have a new pair of tits, hand me a match right now.
Paisley Yes.
.
.
have you ever been to Paris? No, I've never been.
Actually, I went to Disneyland Paris once but I don't think that's actually in Paris, so, no, not really.
And that's where you got the outfit? APPLAUSE The great thing about Notre Dame burning down is no-one hurt, that was the good thing.
As soon as people get hurt, I give a fuck, but And also all these Christians are worried about Notre Dame burning down but it's Easter, it'll be back on Monday.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE Won't it? Well, a lot of people, Rob You say that, a lot of people think they saw Jesus in the flames.
Have a look at this.
Oh, God.
A lot of people thought that Oh, yeah, they're right, there he is.
Fuck off! I mean, can anyone see it? Is anyone? All I can see is about £10 million worth of scaffold.
Imagine pricing up that scaffold job.
"I haven't got enough poles.
" Also it isn't even that old.
That spire, it was like, "Oh, my God, history's burning down" It was rebuilt in, like, 1973.
No, no It's like No, it's bollocks, Lloyd, I'm having it out now, I've had enough of this.
They keep going all this history, it's like Trigger's broom, they keep rebuilding it! They've had about 15 spires.
JIMMY LAUGHS He's gone.
Aw.
It's like we've turned up the south London this week somehow.
"Oh, Notre Dame, think it's old, do you? Trigger's broom, mate.
" "Those stained glass windows? No, I sold them that double glazing.
" OK, let's have a look and see if Notre Dame is up there.
Yes, Notre Dame.
APPLAUSE French President Emmanuel Macron looked devastated as he stood next to the 800-year-old crumbling ruin or Mrs Macron, as she prefers to be known.
She's a little bit older than him.
25 years.
So, those were the nation's most talked about things.
But in other news, it's been revealed Amazon has been flooded with fake five-star reviews.
It's not always easy to spot the fake ones.
For years, I thought Katherine's were real.
He means my balls.
I love Amazon, it's so convenient to immediately order anything online with just one click and then wait in all day for it to arrive, miss the delivery, then have to drive all the way to the post office, past the shop you could've bought it from in the first place.
Basically, hassle-free.
Nigel Farage launched a new Brexit Party.
If you don't know much about the Brexit Party, it's basically the rubbish, straight-to-DVD sequel to Ukip.
Nigel Farage has a very distinctive look.
He looks like someone put Mr Toad in the microwave.
On Wednesday, North Korea tested a new type of guided missile.
Kim Jong-un is going to end up in the doghouse, which is his favourite local restaurant.
So, at the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time for a special Easter bonus round now.
Rob, Katherine, join me in the middle for Egg Roulette.
CHEERING OK, in front of you are seven eggs - some are raw, some are hard-boiled.
The aim of the game is to crack as many raw eggs on your opponent's head as possible.
Lighting change, please.
Let's play Egg Roulette.
OK, Katherine, you're up first.
Please select your egg.
Ideally you want a raw egg here.
OK, now Just be gentle, don't All you've got to do is smash that on Rob's lovely little face.
You really can't miss, it's massive.
Where would you like it, Rob? On the forehead, avoid the eyes and mouth, the teeth are the moneymaker.
Ready? Go.
APPLAUSE OK.
You are one-for-one.
Wow.
Quite aggressive, Jimmy.
It was quite aggressive, yeah.
OK.
OK, I should say, some are raw, some are hard-boiled, there is one marble egg.
Before I do this, I'd like to say I am a feminist.
OK.
But if you want me to throw an egg at a woman, I will have to put that aside.
Yeah.
But I suppose pure feminism, equals ops, innit? APPLAUSE Oh, no.
Rob Sorry! You've had worse things in your hair.
Where did you want it, sorry? I feel so emotional, Rob, no-one's ever asked me that before.
OK.
So, it's Katherine, your go.
Pick an egg.
Is it hard-boiled? I can't tell.
No, you can't.
That's sort of the game we're playing.
Oh, yeah.
OK, right in the face on this one, in the face.
In the face? In the face, yeah.
Lean over a bit.
Oh, it's That is hard-boiled.
Did that hurt? Er, no, it was actually quite pleasant.
It's one-all so far.
So, right in the face.
OK.
Oh APPLAUSE That was soft-boiled! Jimmy, you've soft-boiled these.
Now, what does that count as? Is that half a point? We're going to have to go to VAR on that.
OK, all right, so it's 2-1 in Rob's favour at the moment.
OK, Katherine, your go.
OK.
Ready, spin.
OK, OK.
Right, here we go.
Oh, hang on.
That's got pubes.
OK, right in the face.
OK, ready? Ugh.
APPLAUSE Did it hurt, did it hurt? Erm Did it hurt? Quite aggressive, but fine.
Current score is two-all, this is the decider.
OK.
She can't see! OK.
Right, ready, Katherine? Yeah, yeah.
Ugh! APPLAUSE Rob is the winner of Egg Roulette.
Congratulations, Rob.
We're going to clean things up, see you after the break.
This is also soft-boiled! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Paisley, Lloyd, what do you like the look of? What do you think? The lady singer, she looks happy.
OK.
Well, you have got the karaoke singer, so here is your question I mean, I hate karaoke.
It's just too much reading.
It's like It's the most Cockney he's ever been! Little ball's patronising.
I don't know what the words are, but I know it goes that way! Thing is with karaoke, no-one really likes it.
Because if you're too good, everyone goes, "Oh, show off.
" If you're rubbish, everyone's like, "You're shit.
" So everyone just likes a mediocre "Hey, Paul.
"Come and listen to this guy.
He's absolutely mediocre!" If I want to hear Robbie Williams sung badly, I'll just go to a Robbie Williams gig.
ALL: Oh! Paisley? What's your go-to, what's your classic? I Want To Dance With Somebody, Whitney Huston.
That's always a good 'un.
What's the big hit with the high note? And I Will Always Love You.
Oh, yeah.
When they try and do that and you go, "No, do the Dolly Parton version, you might have a shot.
" "But the Whitney version, you're dreaming.
" I find that quite funny, though.
The whole build-up and everything.
And they're like, # And I # Angela, what do you think? I've never done karaoke.
I've never done karaoke? I've never done it cos I can't sing.
Cos I'm hard of hearing, wear hearing aids.
I mean, it's really bad, Jimmy, when I sing.
We don't get a harvest, that's how bad it is.
You wear hearing aids? I wear hearing aids.
So how do you know your singing's bad? Well, I do now cos I've got a hearing aid.
But people have told me.
So, for years you thought, "I'm nailing this!" Yes.
Karaoke is not about being a good singer.
It's about your perspective lovers know that you are an attention seeking alcoholic.
LAUGHTER Karaoke is the most beautiful word.
I mean, the origin.
It's a Japanese portmanteau.
It's "karappo" and "okesutra" which means "empty orchestra".
And so the notion is that you have to add something yourself, to complete the music.
Tom, let me ask you, how are the wife and kids? DEEP VOICE: They're all right, mate.
APPLAUSE Tom, you studied at the Royal Academy, didn't you? I did.
How did you know that? It's written down.
You think I'm your stalker.
No, I You've addition for The Voice back in 2016.
Let's take a look at a particularly rousing clip of you singing here.
#.
.
You've got to accentuate everything that is positive # Eliminate the slightest crazy anything that is negative # Latch on to the affirmative # Don't mess with Mr In-Between # No, don't mess with Mr In-Between # Oh, no, don't miss with Mr .
.
In-Between.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Lloyd, you're a singer, right? You love karaoke? Yeah, but everyone thinks I'm going to be really good at it.
Unless the DJ's got like Mozart's Requiem.
What's your classic karaoke go-to? If I was to, it would be like, I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor.
Because you are a? I'm a strong independent woman.
Go on, give it a go.
If I give you a mic, give it a go.
There's a microphone.
Can you just pass the mic? Oh! Oh, sorry.
Are we doing acting awards because? Oh, no, there is a microphone.
Oh no! Pass that microphone over, please? Can you pass that over? How do you hold it? You don't have to do it if you don't want to.
No, but it's for showbiz.
Oh! APPLAUSE OK, so we've got I Will Survive.
Roll the track.
INTRO BEGINS He's just got divorced! LAUGHTER # First I was afraid, I was petrified # Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But then I spent so many nights Why is it Welsh? # Thinking how did you did me wrong, I grew strong # And I learned how to get along # And so you're back # From outer space # I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face # Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye, # Do you think I'd crumble? # Did you think I would lay down and die? # Oh, no not I # I will survive # As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive # I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give # I will survive I will sur-vive! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Best stag do ever! You are a very strange man.
Thank you.
Also, the Welsh accent Stop eating your feelings.
LAUGHTER When you sing, you go so Welsh, so fast It's weird, isn't it? Because I'm not Welsh, I'm from Grimsby.
Which isn't in Wales.
We Oh, no, don't.
Please do, please do.
Lloyd did my tour support when I was on tour.
We did a gig in Wales and within an hour he'd managed to lose the crowd immediately with his opening line and it was the funniest thing.
He said and they just hated you immediately.
Hello, my name is Lloyd Griffiths, I've got a very Welsh name.
I look Welsh, very fat and hairy, but I'm not one of you.
You opened with that? Yeah.
I nearly died laughing.
The only person who was happy was Rob backstage.
Katherine, what's your, your karaoke song of choice? Cos I know you basically learned all of Cardi B's back catalogue.
Yeah, I really like hip-hop.
Do you know Cardi B, Tom? I don't, I'm afraid.
Because he's an auntie of 60 so of course he doesn't.
He's a fan of Cardi-gans.
Sometimes they don't have to be complicated.
I like the one where she goes SHE RAPS: I'll be real, man, I don't need a geezer for nothin' I'm lookin' better every day, I got the Benjamin Button Claiming he don't got a girl, I know men, they be frontin' I don't need no bitch coming up to me as a woman Ay, I want something more than just physical It's been a while since I met someone original I spend my time drinking wine in my living room All this good pussy can't find anyone to give it to.
But I can, though.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's get some marks on this.
So we asked the studio audience What do you think? I think that's false.
I think people like it, don't they? OK, so you're saying false? What are you going for? We think it's true.
OK.
I can tell you the answer is true.
60% of our audience secretly hate karaoke.
APPLAUSE I love karaoke.
It's basically X Factor but for people whose back story is too tragic even for ITV.
So at the end of that round, it's two points for Rob's team and two points for Katherine's team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, that's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER Smelly helmet.
I was going to say burping.
That is outrageous! That mime's amazing! Well, I suppose the equivalent for boys is disco fanny.
I heard someone describe it once as being a bit gamey.
Gamey?! Not mine! Not mine! TOM: Have you ever seen the Great Wall Of Vagina? Yes! Isn't it beautiful? It's a wonderful work of art, I think my favourite, actually, where about 70 vulvas are cast in stone.
Yes.
Do you know what, Tom? If somebody had asked me to guess your favourite work of art, that would not have been! LAUGHTER You know, I think it's curious, I think it's because I'm so familiar with the other, I want to see it.
Mm-hmm.
Just, he keeps on giving! Do you know, whenever Like, cos as women, we get our bits looked at all the time, don't we? Like, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck it, I'll let the window cleaner have a look! Everyone.
LAUGHTER Every time a nurse or a gynaecologist has looked at my bits, they've told me I've got a lovely cervix.
I don't know what that means, but I do know that in my life, I've been told my cervix is lovely way more than I've been told my face is.
Do they say that? "That's a lovely one.
You could eat your dinner off that!" I think it just means that it's got good blood flow and it's sort of shiny.
I used to be a nurse.
You can tell, can't you? You used to be a nurse? Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
How fascinating.
Have you seen a lot ofa lot of them, then? Quite a lot, yeah.
The most disturbing thing I've ever seen is, it can happen sometimes, when people get old, things get a little bitchange placeI I've seen a woman shit out of her vagina, that's what Oh! Katherine Ryan! Look, they got what they paid for.
That wins.
That's worse than smelly helmet.
LAUGHTER Funny story, that's how it got smelly! LAUGHTER AND GROANS PAISLEY: Are you serious?! I thank you.
APPLAUSE A new low! What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you on a date, Tom? Oh! I went to a Damien Hirst exhibition Right.
.
.
with a date.
OK.
And he wouldn't go in the butterfly room.
Is that a euphemism, Tom? No, no! LAUGHTER No, it was this beautiful, capacious room with sugared walls, and the butterflies were flying all around us, and he darted out in acute fear! Do you know, I went on a date once with this guy and he had a laugh like the Count from Sesame Street.
LOW, STACCATO LAUGH: "Ha, ha, ha.
" I thought, can't have that, that would drive me mad! It's Jimmy! APPLAUSE You know what? It's very different to yours, Jimmy! You know what show you're on, right? I don't normally go on dates dates, I just sort of start sleeping with my friends.
But if a waiter or a hotel concierge calls that man Mr Ryan, I'm just like, "Oh!" I just start packing his bags right then and there.
They call him Mr Ryan because obviously, that's the reservation, that's the credit card.
He's fine with me paying for everything, but as soon as the waiter calls him Mr Ryan, I know he's out in three weeks.
So now, I've set my Tinder parameters to only guys called Mr Ryan.
APPLAUSE Already called that! OK, let's get some answers on this.
So, biggest turn-off on a date? Well, I had someone burp at me on a date once.
What, as he leant in for a kiss, or just? No, he just wanted to be rude to me, so he burped at me.
Like, he slurped a drink IMITATES LOUD SLURPING .
.
leaned back, and went IMITATES LOUD BURP Yeah, so I think the biggest turn-off on a date is probably manners.
Rudeness? Well, it's a kind of rudeness.
What's causing the rudeness? Oh! Drink! Getting drunk! Being pissed! Getting drunk on a date.
That is the right answer, yeah.
Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, the biggest turn-off on a date is arriving drunk.
In my experience, the biggest turn-off on a date is when you get back to hers and you can't wait to get her upstairs but then it takes ages in the standard stairlift.
Really kills the mood.
LAUGHTER OK, one more question.
BUZZER I was dating someone who got a tattoo of a girl he was cheating on me with, while we were still together.
Genuinely! And when did you get suspicious? LAUGHTER He said, "This is symbolic of the type of girls I used to date, "and I'm not shagging any of them any more because I'm with you.
" I used to live a sad life.
It is the worst tattoo when a guy you're dating gets a girl he's cheating on you with tattooed on his arm while he's still dating you! It's not, but it's the most tragic story.
Congratulations, you're through to judges' houses! LAUGHTER What's the worst thing, Paisley, you've seen on Tattoo Fixers? It's really, really bad.
We've had a flying vagina before, so A what, sorry? Tom, you would have loved it! A flying vagina.
A flying vagina.
Yeah, so I've never seen one of those.
Yeah.
Neither had I, up until that point! There are female pilots, now, Jimmy, actually.
LAUGHTER And this was a tattoo of a black box, was it? APPLAUSE Am I the only tattooed person here? I've got three.
TOM: I'm a blank canvas.
You're a blank canvas? Yes.
And sometimes, if I have a potential lover and they say, "Have you got a tattoo?" I say, "Yes, it's tiny, see if you can find it.
" Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER I often say, "It's tiny, see if you can find it," but not LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lloyd, worst tattoo you could get? Like, a lot of people get their heroes on their body, don't they? So there's a lot of people knocking about with Michael Jackson tattoos, now, aren't they? Well, you've tripped over the right answer, there, I think.
Paedophiles? LAUGHTER No, the worst thing to have tattooed on your body is Celebrities! That's the right answer! Oh! APPLAUSE Yes, the worst thing to have tattooed is a celebrity's face.
KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Paisley and Lloyd have two points, Katherine, Tom and Angela are the winners with four points! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE