8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e04 Episode Script

Katherine Ryan, Johnny Vegas, Alex Brooker, Anna Richardson, Sophie Duker

This programme contains strong language, adult humour and full frontal nudity CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Johnny be good, it's From Naked Attraction, it's And their team captain And facing them tonight, look out, it's .
.
stand-up girl .
.
and their guest team captain.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, humans share 50% of our genes with bananas? Well, that certainly explains the bend in my penis.
And why it turned green that one time.
There are over 125,000 stray cats in Istanbul.
Finally, a bit of good news for the shish kebab industry.
And 17% of Brits have had sex on a dining table.
Turn over - it's time for pudding.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's, top three most-popular talking points.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? It must be the new Brexit developments.
I don't know much about this, but I think this might go down as one of the worst Brexits ever.
Extensions All I hear is, extension this, extension that.
I'm so annoyed with it I don't even go into my conservatory any more.
It's an extension.
I think Donald Tusk, who I can only assume is a cartoon elephant, he called it "flextension", and the flextension is meant to be till June 30th, and that just doesn't work for me, because it's my birthday and Cheryl Cole's birthday.
People will be having barbecues.
The next day, no-one's going to be in any fit state to fight for diabetes medicine in Dover.
It's not a good day! June 30th is also when Glastonbury ends, which I think is a really good time, because I think it'll make the transition easier, cos you'll have been living in a tent, shitting in the woods, eating out of tins, then you go to no deal Brexit, which will be exactly the same except you won't have to listen to George Ezra.
Obviously, Theresa May's been doing her best.
A lot of people are a bit confused as to what's going on, so this week she made a video they put on social media, telling us what was going on.
She makes it pretty clear.
Well, it begs the question, how is she operated? Is someone? I know, but that attempt at authenticity just looks like they're disagreeing with her as they're filming.
That fake laugh.
"And it's been nearly three years Ha-ha!" Cos of YOU! It's your fault! The thing I thought is, the country desperately needs some money.
If Theresa May's going to make a home video, she's got to go down the Kim Kardashian route.
That is a challenging wank.
They're all challenging for me, Jimmy! I think it's weird with the Corbyn-Theresa talks, because the thing they keep saying is that both sides are showing flexibility, and neither of them look like they can touch their own knees.
I mean Nothing wrong with that! Imagine if they really got on, though.
Do you think Theresa May and Corbyn might be pounding it out? Yeah! "Oh, it's all getting a bit stressful.
"Shall I put some music on?" "Oh, I love Lighthouse Family too!" "Shall we start soft and then go hard?" "Oh, Jezza!" You know when people have a bad day at work and you just go, "Yeah, tomorrow'll be better"? Theresa May just gets worse every She never gets up in the morning and goes, "Today's your day, Theresa.
" She is one rejection away from having her shoelaces taken off her.
Anna, have you got any advice for Theresa May? What would you say to her now? I think she proves that women can multi-task really, really well, because, let's face it, she's fucking up her own party, fucking up Brexit and also fucking up the nation.
But I say work on the videos.
I'm looking forward to seeing more of her home videos, cos I can just see her now, you know, on her Instagram feed, just kicking back with her husband in the hot tub, boobs floating on top of the water! Talking about the backstop.
I'm all about that mime! Have your boobs learned to play piano? Do you reckon they might row about whether it's Brexit or Breggsit? I always say Brexit.
Yeah, but a lot of politicians say Breggsit.
What do you call it? A fucking huge mistake.
Now, not every politician has been consistent on Brexit.
Take a look at this spiky introduction of one MP on Channel 4 News.
Well, the Conservative MP Ben Bradly is in the House of Commons.
He voted to remain then became a Brexiteer then voted against the deal, then voted for the deal, then said he'd struggle to back the deal again but now says he will back the deal.
Ben Bradley, why do you get to change your mind? Ohh! He's done you! He's not messing about, is he? It's pretty good.
Some of the other newscasters are very good.
There was a lady from the Telegraph on the news the other day, and as it was being explained, she just looked so baffled.
Take a look.
She's the lady on the right.
Well, no-one was really expecting any of the proposals last night to get a majority, so it was a bit of a damp squib, but I still think it was really significant in terms of giving us some clues in terms about what might come next.
She's like That's a proper journalist from the Telegraph.
We watched this, me and my son, on breakfast TV, and my son went, "Is there somebody stood behind the camera with a gun?" They're running out of politicians.
That's the issue.
Cos everyone changes so quickly, you can't keep up.
The geezer who's the health secretary is called .
.
is it Mick Hancock? Who the fuck is Mick Hancock? I think he's called Matt Hancock, and you've proved your own point by getting it wrong! It does seem bizarre, though.
Even if you take an interest in politics now, so many people have resigned you don't know who's on the front benches.
The thing is, we may have to still go to the European elections, even though we're leaving, so I think what we should do, cos we haven't got any politicians left, why don't we just send some reality stars? Just send Gemma Collins out to be our European Member of Parliament.
She'd be like, "Don't look at me like that, Tusk! "The GC is ready for the EU.
Is the EU ready for the GC? "You wait till I slap those tariffs on! "You can't afford this candy!" Well, let's see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE OK.
Yes, it's Theresa May's Brexit deal.
Last week, Theresa May wrote to the EU asking to delay Brexit until 32nd Nev-uary 2000-and-never.
People are getting worried about Brexit negotiations but, don't worry, guys, we've got Britain's shittest ever Prime Minister on it! OK.
Katherine, what else have the nation been talking about? Britain's Got Talent.
Oh, it's back.
Do you watch it? I would watch Britain's Got Talent if Ant had carried on drinking, all right? What this show needs is a couple of tipsy gents putting a ventriloquist in a headlock.
I can't watch it the way it is.
And if you've ever seen American kids rap or dance, you don't think Britain's got talent, you think, "Britain's got to start funding the arts.
" The extraordinary act this week, which Simon Cowell said was the most dangerous act they'd ever had on the show, was these brothers that are sword-swallowers.
Have a watch of this nerve-wracking moment.
It's extraordinary.
Oh, no, no, no.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS Wow, wow, wow! If you're watching, obviously, don't try that at home.
That was obviously done No, do try it at home! Try it tonight, even if it's a step-brother.
Just have It wasn't even the most dangerous thing that those lads did.
They didn't show it on telly, but they actually got a lift home from Ant.
What talents do we have in this room? Anna, what do you think, if you went on Britain's Got Talent? I can spot a cop from 100 paces.
What would your talent be, Sophie? I don't have a hidden talent, cos I think a lot of hidden talents are pointless, and post no deal Brexit, I'm going to get a practical talent, so they'll bring me on Britain's Got Talent.
"This is Sophie - she knows how to purify water!" And then I'll be Queen.
Alex, what would you do on Britain's Got Talent? I could do Justin Timberlake songs, I could probably name from the first few seconds.
Are you a huge Justin Timberlake fan or? Yeah.
I've been to see him six times.
I even went in the wheelchair section for one of them! A geezer recognised me and said, "Do you want to sit in this bit?" "Fucking right I do, these are great seats!" They were all parked up, and then I just went and kind of like sat next to them, but when Sexy Back hits, something takes over me, so I'm up jumping, dancing.
I could see the people behind me, "It's a miracle!" Let's put your Justin Timberlake knowledge to the test.
I'm going to play you the opening of a Justin Timberlake song and you've got to come in within three notes.
OK.
MUSIC PLAYS Cry Me A River.
Easy.
OK.
All right.
Next one.
MUSIC PLAYS Rock Your Body.
Oh, he's quick.
Go on.
NOTE PLAYS Sexy Back.
Absolutely pointless talent.
I can play music on my noise.
ANNA: You can play your nose? Our next act, ladies and gentlemen Come on, let's see it.
NOTES TWANG A TUNE Oh, come on! CHEERING NOTES TWANG A TUNE CHEERING OK.
Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's there, return of Britain's Got Talent.
Ant is the perfect host for Britain's Got Talent, because if anyone knows what it's like to be given one chance to impress a judge, it's Ant.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER What do you think? Is it Prince William's work experience with MI5? He wants to be a spy.
World's most famous man wants to see how he can blend in.
And because of nepotism, he gets to do that.
He could be an astronaut, he can play three weeks in goal for Man City.
He could do anything he wants.
He's not fetching people tea, he's not working in an office.
He's gone straight to spy and I love him for it.
This is why he would make such an excellent spy because you'd never believe it was actually him.
Mm.
Like, if an eyewitness told you that Prince William repelled into the British Museum, blew a security guard's brains out and then made out with a woman in a cocktail dress you'd be like, "Yep, sure, sure.
I think you mean Prince Harry.
" Also I think there's some mission drift there, if you've broken into the Natural History Museum, shot a security guard Shot a security guard.
.
.
and got off with a lady.
OK, national security-wise I'm not sure what we've achieved, but well done.
He's like a toddler that's been asked what he wants to do.
He's like, "Oh, please can I be a helicopter driver? "I'd like to be a spy man "and can I be king, please, Nanny?" Yeah, but also when he wants to spy, part of that hedge .
.
he walked off with it.
And he just goes in other people's gardens.
Alex, have you ever done any work experience? Yeah, I did it at the job centre.
I had two jobs on the first day - shredding stuff, like putting stuff through the shredder, it was fine, and making tea.
And the second day I was down to just doing the shredding because I kept spilling the tea! I did work experience at my dad's engineering office and then I started sleeping with someone there, didn't I? And my little sister also started doing work experience Not your dad, was it? .
.
and she LAUGHTER No, and then my little sister also started doing work experience and she started sleeping with someone there.
And then my third sister did not get offered work experience.
And while I was there, I got my dad to start taking the birth control pill because he found some in my desk and I lied and I said that it was for Irish skin.
And he was like, "Well, I've also got Irish skin, "can I please have some of this?" And I said, "Of course you can.
" I gave him a month, and then he started taking them, he loved it, he kept on his desk and he'd show people.
"Would you look at this? "It's brilliant.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday" Of course now he's living as a woman.
I can tell you that Prince William's work experience at MI5 is not one of the most talked about things but getting work experience at MI5 isn't as hard as you might think.
All you need is a reference, a CRB check and for your nan to be the fucking queen.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
What else have the nation been talking about this week? BUZZER Erm, well, Game Of Thrones is returning for the final series.
It's exciting, isn't it? That's quite a big deal.
It's weird, people get excited it, like just a trailer.
They're like, "Oh, the trailer's dropped.
" I hate that word.
You've got to be like under 25 to get away with "dropped".
And my mum the other day went, "Oh, that new trailer's dropped.
" I was like, I was nearly sick.
Let's have a look at the exciting and action-packed trailer for the new series of Game Of Thrones.
I promised to fight for the living.
I intend to keep that promise.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love it.
You like it? Yeah, I absolutely love it.
I genuinely think that there's a good chance in this final series we're going to see a dwarf riding a dragon.
And if that doesn't become a Paralympic sport OK, maybe Game Of Thrones is good for representation in some areas, but I don't like it cos I think it's racist.
You think it's racist? I think Game Of Thrones is racist.
Like, OK, fine, they've got these characters called the White Walkers, which is who I think Nigel Farage was leading from Sunderland to London.
Even like Jon Snow said he'd never seen so many white people in one place, and he's like the main character.
They call it Game Of Thrones, but it's not a game, is it? Like fucking your sister's a choice.
What's weird about is though, it got criticised, didn't it, for too many boobs? It was all dragons and tits.
They went, "Oh, it's a dragons and tits show, right?" There was too many boobs in it but then what happened was, they went, "OK, let's balance it up.
Get some dicks on screen.
" I get that too.
That's fine.
And it went well dick heavy.
I would say it's more dick and dragons than tit and dragons.
But it's still got a reputation for being boob heavy.
Anna, I mean, people in glass houses and all, I don't think But you're always a 50-50 split of dick and tit.
No, we're a little bit tit heavy, I think.
Are you? I think so.
More tit than dick.
I suppose cos there's always one dick, two tits.
Well, exactly, just It's maths.
Simple math.
Johnny, are you a big fan of Game Of Thrones? Do you watch it? Obviously, it's very hard to watch in the afternoon.
Your son walks in, it feels like porn, it is drama.
But you have to rush for the remote control and go, "What you watching?" "A drama!" It's not like soft porn.
The only person it's pornography for is Donald Trump.
Have you seen that wall? I bet he loves it.
Oh! Look at that wall, keeping them all out.
That's what we need.
Alex, favourite character? I do like Tyrion, obviously, like representing the blue badge crew.
Also, the first couple of series, he was smashing anything as well, so Spoiler alert! I've not got that far.
It annoys me when people just go "Spoiler alert!" You go, "It was on four years ago.
" I had someone say that about The Sixth Sense the other day, come on! Off you fuck.
"Oh, can't we look forward?" "Oh, I can't wait till Christmas!" "Spoiler alert! I'm not that far through the Bible.
" "Spoiler alert!" But one of my favourite things is that it keeps getting bigger and bigger and more successful.
Every series, it's getting bigger and what I love about it is how angry Sean Bean must be, that he got killed off early doors.
Oh.
Oh, spoiler.
Oh APPLAUSE OK, let's see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE Of course, Game Of Thrones.
Game Of Thrones has it all - a woman who had a baby with her brother, a man who had his penis chopped off and a sex-mad dwarf.
It's like they remade Jeremy Kyle in Narnia.
The big question is, what are Game Of Thrones fans going to do when it all ends? I guess start knocking one out to Doctor Who.
So, those were the most popular talking points this week but in other news, the royal family attended a Netflix premier, at the Natural History Museum.
Stuffy, boring and full of fossils, that's the royal family for you.
Gender equality in football punditry was set back about 20 years after this baffling moment on Sky Sports.
Take a look.
Because after three wins in four, particularly after the win against Brighton, we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
How significant was that last win? It was a huge win.
Do you think they're now safe? Five points clear of regulation, game in hand and obviously in good form as well.
Yes, I mean, 9 points out of 12 at this late stage What's going on? That's unbelievable.
I love the fact she's still in the back of shot.
Donald Trump was in the news this week trying to say the word origins.
I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges, the oranges of the .
.
er, investigation, the beginnings of that investigation.
The Muller report I wish covered the oranges .
.
how it started, the beginnings of the investigation, how it started.
Oranges.
I mean, he's only got to look in the mirror.
And music legends The Cure were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
This remarkable exchange really captures the excitement.
It's so nice to meet you! Hi.
Congratulations, The Cure, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees 2019! Are you as excited as I am? Erm, by the sounds of it, no.
Oh, no.
So, at the end of that round, Rob, Johnny and Anna have two points, Katherine, Sophie and Alex have one point.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Johnny, Anna, what do you like the look of? We'll go for Anna.
OK.
You're going with the perfect fringe.
Well, Anna, of course, presents Naked Attraction, so here's the question.
You're the expert, tell us, what do you think? Well, judging by my inbox and the show hopefuls Is that what you call it? I do.
Oh, yeah.
So that's your inbox, that's your outbox.
So, judging by my inbox and the amount of "show hopefuls" that send me their photos Show hopefuls? Yeah.
So you get sent a lot of dick pics.
Yes, I do and I love them! I was sent, recently, a picture of an 80-year-old man standing in his bedroom with his cock out and just a pair of socks on.
But, I mean, he had an enormous, enormous penis.
Shall we treat ourselves to a clip of Naked Attraction? Oh, please.
Well, you have got six penises in your face.
Yes.
I mean, have you had this before, Zoe? Er, maybe in my dreams.
Mm.
Yeah.
No, no, not in real life.
So, who do you want to look at first? Er I'm going to blue.
Blue's got lovely balls.
Nice shape there.
They are smooth, which I like.
I like smooth balls because they are easier to suck on.
Right.
Yes! Blue, do you like your balls to be sucked? Oh, he likes a suck.
Yes.
APPLAUSE You seem so calm.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
What's tasteful about Naked Attraction, Anna, is that they're always flaccid.
Not always, Katherine.
Oh, what? Have you had incidents? We do have to stop the show quite often.
When it's? Well, just say to the fellas, "Look, can you just? "Just go and sort yourself out and then pop back.
" What? Sort yourself out? You know They've? Well, I don't know what they do! What do boys? I don't know what they do, but we say Well, I don't know.
I've never had an erection on telly before, so I've got one right now, things are fine.
So, is it fellas that are just trying give themselves a little, you know, like a little jump-start? Yeah.
Just to get kind of halfway there.
Yeah, exactly that.
The best thing to do is wank and then leave it and then go on stage.
How big is your penis, Katherine? There's a proper thunk.
May I ask what temperature is it in the studio, because I would have real issues around, "Hang on, this is too cold"? Well, the girls obviously want it freezing for the nipples.
Yep.
ROB: Why's my ass so hot, then? Turn the temperature up.
All the boys want it really, really warm.
The boys want it warm for a Yeah, cos otherwise the balls go up, don't they, their willies shrink? And the girls want it really cold so the nipples are proud.
So why don't you just give them different booths at different temperatures? It's expensive, Johnny.
Oh You can't have a self-contained air con dick tube.
You've done the show for quite a while now, what is the perfect penis? What are we looking for? Well, as every woman knows that you want girth, not length.
Yes! But LAUGHTER Oh, I'm sorry.
You say girth, not length.
Do you mean no length whatsoever? I'll be honest with you, hands up, mine's like a can of tuna.
Fishy?! APPLAUSE So, yeah, if that's what they're after As long as it doesn't smell like a can of tuna, I think.
It's spring water, not brine.
Don't worry.
Can I just say, don't say to a girl my penis is like a can of tuna? Hockey puck? No I've got a thing where I've got a very small penis but then I'm very wealthy.
It works.
Is that the same? That works.
Katherine Ryan, body confident? Oh, I'm very body confident ever since I found the right surgeon.
If anything, I'm overly body confident, of course.
I think everyone is beautiful, especially me.
What do you think, Sophie, body confident? I don't like judging people on the external features.
I think it's what's on the inside that counts.
I mean, I don't care what your dick looks like, but if you've got fat kidneys, fuck off.
Alex, what about you, body confident? The size of my knob and these little hands? Big time.
APPLAUSE I do think as an income stream, the internet has opened up to There's an extra income for everyone everywhere because, currently, now all I do is wipe up the kitchen floor after I've had my breakfast and three German men pay to watch.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH And they don't necessarily want me naked.
Some days they're going, "Oh, you wore your summers pyjamas.
" And you're going, "Yeah, sorry, testicle dropped out.
" And they just want to watch me clean-up and do stuff.
There's a man in Swansea, he wants to do things to me you wouldn't believe.
How much do they pay you? Well, the money's not come through.
I know If you've been affected by any of the issues on tonight's show APPLAUSE OK, let's get some answers on this.
So, Rob, so most people consider themselves body confident, true or false? I don't think they are.
I think people, even if they were, would be scared to say they were.
Katherine, what do you think, true or false? True OK.
I would like to think that it's true.
OK, you're saying true.
I can tell you the answer IS true.
Yeah! 56% of people do consider themselves to be body confident.
Sorry.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH I'm body confident in that I'm incredibly confident the police are not going to find that body.
Now, before we carry on, as a tribute to Naked Attraction, we're going to play Carrot In A Box: Naked Attraction Edition.
Rob, Katherine, come on down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
Regular viewers will be familiar with Carrot In A Box.
The rules are simple, you each get a box.
Yep.
One of the box contains a naked penis.
The aim of the game is to end up with the dick in the box.
Bring on the boxes.
APPLAUSE OK, so if you just step back a little bit.
OK.
Yeah.
Yes, it's a game of bluff in the buff.
OK, in a moment, I'll ask Rob to look in his box.
Why me? If Rob doesn't see his chap's chap, then he'll have to bluff Katherine into giving him her box.
Ultimately, Katherine gets to choose whether she keeps her box or swaps with Rob.
OK, Rob, so you want a cock.
Katherine, you want a cock.
No change there.
But there's only one cock.
Let's play Carrot In A Box: Naked Attraction Edition.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Rob, can you look in your box? Oh Katherine, you're not allowed to look inside your box.
Both or what? Both, you want a proper You don't want to miss a thing.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I mean, I don't know what I was expecting.
I'll have a Little beauty, isn't it? Erm Have another look.
I've had a look.
Do we keep looking? So, do you want to keep your box or do you want to swap with Katherine? I'm going to keep it.
There's a dick there, Katherine.
There's a dick in your box? Yeah.
That's as close as I've ever been to one that's not mine.
That's a lie.
Do you think Rob's bluffing? Was it cut or uncut? I can't give you a firm answer on that.
Speaking of firm, how? Is he pleased to see you or not? OK.
Er Get down! Softer now, softer now.
You just blew on his dick.
Yeah.
Yep.
It looks like it's retreating, I think it's panicked.
Are there any distinguishable features on the dick? Erm, he's drawn a face on it.
And it moves when he laughs.
OK, so, do you think he's bluffing? Do you think there's a dick in the box, or do you think you've got a dick in a box? I think Rob is bluffing because he's gone back to look at the dick so many times.
And Rob is a respectable family man, I don't think he'd be so thirsty for the cock.
I think I'm getting into it.
OK, so it's time now for the blindfolded taste challenge.
OK, so what do you think, you think he's bluffing? I think that there's a dick in my box.
I think Rob's bluffing.
I mean, there's a point for whoever wins this.
So, gentlemen, if you could face forward.
And Katherine's Ooh! Katherine's man, we would like you to open your box.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, no! So that's a point for you, Rob.
But, I mean, it's worth saying you did look a lot at that dick.
You looked a lot.
You kept going back for more.
I thought, you know, it's a nice dick, why not have a look at it? It's not very often you get to see a dick that much.
I'm relaxed, I'm a comfortable guy, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
If I look at a dick, I look at a dick.
Yay, Rob! That's beautiful.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH And just to prove we were not lying CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's a point to Rob, everyone.
A point to Rob.
We'll see you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of Ten Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
What do you think? BUZZER Katherine.
Finding it.
Young people today, they don't know what life was like pre-Google Maps.
I came to the UK in the Noughties, and you guys have streets that are, like, Lavender Ave, lavender Road, Lavender Mews, Lavender Lane.
I got lost and I would turn up just sweaty and upset.
That was the hardest part.
Oh, and finding out who the office prick was.
Yeah.
So I'd just drink out of every mug and see who got the most ticked off.
The worst thing about finding out who the office prick is is sometimes it's you.
It was me.
It was always me.
What do you think? Worst thing about a new job? I find the hardest thing about starting a new job is, like, telling my co-workers apart.
Like, no offence, Rob, but I think all white people look the same to me.
Like I've only just figured out that it's not Roger Federer hosting.
For me, it's people not knowing how to shake my hand.
Like My first office job, I walked in and, like, people were just like, "What?" It was like You know in Jurassic Park, when they see dinosaurs for the first time? It was like HE SINGS THE JURASSIC PARK THEME And this people, like, going Anna.
Yes? You've had a few jobs.
What was the worst thing about a first day? It might be Cos I've done loads of different jobs, it could be finding out where the office toilet is.
Mm.
And I say this advisedly, because it's well-known that, within television, there is a turd terrorist.
This is genuine, absolutely genuine.
So I was walking down the corridors of a well-known broadcaster the other day and I spotted what I thought was a teabag in the middle of the carpet.
And I thought, "Who would drop a fucking teabag?" So I went to go and kick it to the side No! AUDIENCE: Urgh! You think they, like, pooed and just kicked it out of the bottom of their trouser leg, like that fella with the rocks from Shawshank Redemption? Yes.
I've got to say, I mean, I know it's wrong, but I'm a little bit impressed with whoever that is.
Rob, you've had a lot of jobs in your time.
I think, normally I mean, in a normal office, holding in a shit.
What do you mean? Cos you don't want to go to the toilet at work? Yeah, cos I worked in an office and it was It was all women apart from one other bloke.
So it was weird, cos there was only about 30 people in the office so that if he had a shit, I knew.
And if I had a shit, he knew.
So it was a weird couple of weeks.
Because he was I was JIMMY LAUGHS So I had to hold in for ages.
And, in the end, I just did it in the hallway.
I think, like, when you start a new job, you have to do everything - like, all the menial stuff - really badly, so don't get asked to do it again.
So, like, the first week in a new job, I'm just, like, making terrible tea, printing stuff off wrong, giving horrible blow jobs.
Well, on the subject of blow jobs, people getting People looking for employment now have to take all of their pics off-line.
Because I hire baby-sitters, and my first thing is to go straight to their Instagram and see how big of a slut they are.
Pick the slutty baby-sitters? I pick the sluttiest baby-sitter.
I don't want her leaving me for a better job.
JOHNNY SNEEZES No, I have a lovely baby-sitter.
Johnny, have you sneezed on your jumper? Come here.
ALL: Urgh! I did not want to interrupt the conversation over there, so I was going, "Ahhchoo!" I was doing such a half-sneeze.
You've never not wanted to interrupt a conversation in your life.
I got a sneezing fit.
I apologise.
I just was turning round and going, "Blaahh" And not trying to make a noise.
Anna.
Yeah? Starting a new job No, hang on! I had a sneezing fit.
I had a genuine sneezing fit.
I was turning round, trying to sneeze quietly, I did it more on the left, the right is still quite heavily congested.
But there's nothing I can do about that.
I don't know why it came on.
Just wanted to be part of the team.
Anna.
Yes? Anna It's all right, I'll take my inner T-shirt and blow my fucking nose.
KATHERINE: No, don't ALL: Urgh! Well, that must be You've now got some sort of chest oyster.
No, it's all right.
I'm back in the game.
OK.
So, hardest thing about starting a new job? Sitting next to Johnny Vegas? LAUGHING: I'm joking! Be careful, it's covered in snot.
I'll tell you the hardest thing about starting a new job.
Genuinely, genuinely, the hardest thing about starting a new job is going into the staffroom for the first time, and wondering what mug you can use.
Well, you're quite close to that.
It's about a first day thing.
Is it nerves? Yes, it is.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, the hardest thing about starting a new job is first-day nerves.
And I can tell you the best thing about starting a new job is telling your old boss to go and fuck himself.
Worst thing to do on public transport? BUZZER Rob? Propose.
In hindsight, it was a bad decision.
Isn't it really shit having a bad resting face on public transport? People think you're about to do something bad and you're not, you're actually going, "I'm in my happy place".
Or the man who gets on and claims that he's a magician.
He's got poisoned hands! He looks biblically unwell.
And he gets on the tube and he goes, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to do a magic show.
"What's that in your ear?" And you're going, "Oh!" I don't know if this happens as much as you think it does.
Anna, do you take public transport? I have not used the tube for 20 years.
20 years? Have you got an issue with it, do you not like it? Just because, why would you go underground into a sealed vacuum where you just eat people's farts? And why would you get your dick out on telly, but you don't mind hosting that.
I travel a lot on the tube but I'm not doing it at rush hour, so it's easy.
You use the tube? Yeah.
He mainly hires one out.
I'm in the dining car.
OK, Katherine.
Is the worst thing you can do on public transport to write a lie about the NHS on the side of it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sophie, have you travelled much on public transport? I do.
I think one of the worst things you can do on public transport is not give up the priority seat.
Firstly, it's hard because you get priority seat Top Trumps.
So you get the pregnant woman with lots of shopping and then an old man with a cane and you're like, "Fight, fight!" But also, it's difficult because a lot of people have invisible disabilities.
Erectile dysfunction.
Yep.
I hate it when you're on a train or plane and people take their shoes and their socks off.
One, it's unhygienic.
Two, fuck off showing off with your two feet.
If they take their shoes and socks off, I'll just go, "I'll raise you" and take my whole leg off.
If somebody gets on with precocious kids Oh, kids on public transport are arseholes.
When you say kids on public transport, do you mean kids on planes? Because sometimes if a child gets on a plane next to me, I sort of hope we crash.
OK, let's get some answers on this.
Is the worst thing you can do talking to the driver, Jimmy? Because there's a sign that says "Don't talk to the driver", but that makes it forbidden fruit and I just want to know what's going on with him.
It is to do with talking.
Talking on your phone? That's the right answer.
Yes! Yeah, it's the worst thing to do on public transport, talk loudly on the phone.
That's a survey of people who've never seen a drunk guy on a night bus shit in a carrier bag.
END OF ROUND BUZZER That sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
The final scores are that Katherine's team are the winners, with four points! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night!