8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e03 Episode Script

Kerry Godliman, Nish Kumar, Fred Sirieix, Judi Love, Natasha Demetriou

This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, you cannot be serious, it's Fred Sirieix.
Stand-up, girls, it's Judi Love and Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, your Nish is our command.
It's Nish Kumar.
Ask her questions, it's Natasia Demetriou.
And Kerry Godliman, their guest team captain.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, three in ten pet owners sign their animal's name in cards.
It's fun in a birthday card, less appropriate in a card which reads, sorry for your loss, lots of love, Mr Mittens.
Snails have approximately 25,000 teeth, so a snail might be Rob's real dad.
It's especially good cos my teeth are so natural! And 63% of people say they'd be comfortable with a gay monarch, so it doesn't matter if it's Queen and country, or Queen and penisy.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
With all the Brexit stuff going on, we thought we'd ask the nation the best things Europe has given us.
Rob's team, what do you think are the best things Europe's given us? I mean, food's got to be up there.
Do you like European food? What's your favourite European food? Well, I'm not a big fan of European food, I prefer British food.
What sort of thing? Nando's, Cafe Rouge, Zizzi's.
Proper stuff, isn't it? Yeah, proper stuff.
European food, what do you think? Pizzas aren't real food anyway, that's a cheese and tomato toastie.
Mediterranean food is the kind of food you eat when you can't be arsed to cook.
That's because you can't cook.
Yeah, that is true.
Neither can you, you just put people in seats.
It's a good one, he's got you there! It's true, it's a fair point, I'm not a good cook.
Are you not a good cook? Tapas, I don't understand because that's not enough.
Is that Spanish for not enough? You haven't made enough of that, have some of that.
No, we'll need more, we are going to need more, and, like, in this country we celebrate big portions, don't we, not tiny, tiny portions? Like, we are, like, people who boast about going somewhere, where you canall-you-can-eat.
- All-you-can-eat.
- All-you-can-eat! Tapas doesn't work Oh! You've not had Greek food, have you? I have had Greek food.
Well, that's, like, if you come to my house, my dad's Is there loads? Oh, there's a pig, there's a pig and a goat and a whole farm! On a spit.
Like Old Macdonald, just with a line through it.
Listen, Jimmy, just between you and me, right, I've said some real bad stuff about Brexit cos I think it's a really bad idea.
And I'm a bit worried now that it's happening they are going to deport me.
I basically need to roll some of that back.
Leave means leave, I hate all European food, I just want to eat sausage and mash and fish and chips and I just want to get all bunged up in my bowels and I just want to feel blockages because there should be no freedom of movement, whether it's goods and people across the border, or faeces coming out of my anus.
Can we just take a moment there to enjoy the punchline - faeces coming out of my anus.
Kerry, what do you think? No disrespect, but there's too many cheeses in France.
We've got Cheddar, we've got the orange one.
And Dairylea.
Dairylea, cheese strings.
- Laughing Cow.
- The one with the cow, yeah.
- Quavers.
- Quavers.
We don't need all the other ones.
Brexit means Brexit.
OK, so French food, do you eat any European foods, Judi, what's your favourite? OK, so I like pizza, I like Italians.
What about Where do you stand on a calzone.
On a cows only? A calzone, a folded pizza.
Oh, everything on me is folded, so I really have no complaints.
So the Italian language can be a little bit difficult, there's some tricky pronunciations.
Let's take a look at an Italian man gallantly persevering with a pronunciation of a British kitchen classic.
We've got to use this one drop, Wor-ster-shoo-shire.
We've got to use this Wan-ja-shoo-shire, shoo, shoo-sha.
Wan-jas-ter-shine.
Yeah, Wan-jes-ter-shine.
Wan-wan-jes-ter-sher-shine.
Wan-jes-ter-shoo-shine.
Sh-sh-sh-shoo-shine.
I don't know what kind of country come this from but happen Italian, I don't know what to say, I read in Italian now.
Wor-chester-sheerer sa-oo-chay.
I love him.
Yeah.
He said he was Italian but that's your dad, right? That is my dad.
Well, the thing is, you see my dad was a chef and there was a time when he was a really good cook, but then something happened, laziness, and the stuff he cooks now, me and my brother call it, like, filthy delicious because, like, the other day we were like, "What are you going to have for dinner, Dad?" and he was like, "I'm going to treat myself, get something a little bit "special, just something ready-made.
"I'm going to get a quiche and have some chippies with it.
" He accidentally mistook a quiche for a chocolate tart and cooked a Sara Lee chocolate tart with chips and was like that, "Something is wrong.
"The egg is very bad in this quiche.
" OK, well, I'm starting to understand why the Greek economy is ruined.
Now, we all like pizza, right, we all like pizza, there's some unusual ways of eating it.
Take a look at this.
I'm glad he turned round, I thought it was just going straight through the back of his head.
Passing it through.
Could you do that? Could I do that? I could do that.
Excellent.
Hang on.
- I've got pizzas.
- No! Oh, my God.
Lovely.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! That's massive! I don't like Hang on, is this like a proper Italian? I think someone has left it in the garden.
Are you taking the veg off? Oh, you are so south London.
If it was any good, they'd chop it up and put it in the sauce.
What, have I got to try and do this in one go? You've got to try and get that in one.
Right.
Oh, my god.
- Hang on.
- Oh.
I think he can do it.
- Oh, my God! - That's it.
Wow! That was incredible.
It's like watching a cow birth in reverse.
I could do extra work on Emmerdale.
Can't afford a real cow, come here, give us a pizza.
Your wife is so lucky, Rob.
My eyes started watering.
I have a new-found respect for certain activities.
Oh, wow.
British food, like, there's a restaurant in Paris, isn't there, where it's British cuisine? That's right, and lots of Italians, Greeks, French, German restaurants.
It's such a lovely accent, you just do anything for it, wouldn't you? - Say "aubergine".
- Anything.
Aubergine.
Oh! For God's sake.
Can you say, "I regret to tell you that we're going to have to "put your dog down?" REPEATS IN FRENCH - Oh! - Do it, put it down.
Do you know what, throw it in the canal.
Gorgeous.
I'm going to get a dog so you can put it down! Sorry, throw it in the canal, what vet's are you using? The one next to the canal.
Right, let's see if food is up there.
Yes, it's European food.
European food is incredibly varied, whether you want to have the shits, the squits, the squirts or the skitters, there's something for everyone.
OK, let's test how well you know your European delicacies.
Rob, Judi, let's go and play The European Food Challenge.
Oh, OK, come on.
Right, OK.
Here we go.
OK, it's the cats' taste test, so blindfolds on.
It's like one of your dinner parties, Jim.
Blindfolds on.
It's his house, we do what he says.
Seen Eyes Wide Shut? No, just that the last time I put blindfolds on and put something in my mouth, I got pregnant.
So, I'm just OK, Rob, you are first.
You've got to tell me what this is and what country it's from, OK? - Are you putting it in? - Yeah.
It smells off! Open wide, open wide, no, you are fine.
I thought I had another ten years till the jungle! Oh, oh.
That's Oh, you gave me a lot there, it's like a German sausage, isn't it? Yeah, a frankfurter from Germany, yes.
Judi, you are up next.
Right, just open wide, take a bite.
It's a bit cheesy, I wonder if this is what Fred tastes like.
OK, Judi, what is it? Some kind of cheese.
Some kind of cheese.
- Brie.
- From where? From, what's his called place? France.
Yeah.
You needed a clue for France? Yeah.
OK, that's French Epoisses.
OK, so this one.
Is it me? Are you ready, yeah, OK, hang on.
Fuck it.
I can't get it through these, what is this? It tastes like flesh.
JUDI LAUGHS MANICALLY Some sort of I don't like people with weird laughs.
It's like raw bacon.
I'll give you that, it's Romanian sallow cured back fat.
OK, Judi, open your mouth, OK, wide.
It's on a spoon, there you go.
Oh, my God What do you think, Judi? Mm, it's all right.
Well, you turned on a sixpence there, didn't you? Is there any more? I just need to taste it again.
Yeah, there is.
What is it? - You like it, though, don't you, Jude.
- I do.
Could you tell from the way I was clapping my lips.
Yeah, yeah, you are not letting any flavour escape them lips, are you? All this waste.
What do you think? I think it's, like, pickled cabbage or something.
Yes, I'll give you that, it's sauerkraut.
OK, Rob, you got the most right, a big round of applause for Rob and Judi.
Right.
Um, OK.
Kerry, what do you think? What else have the Europeans given us? They've given us art and things like that, culture, culture.
They gave us culture.
From the Greeks to the Italians to the French.
Yeah, and we don't need it any more after Brexit.
We've got the British Museum, that's full of stuff that was stolen by British people.
My dad cried when he went to the British Museum.
Why, because he saw all this stuff? All the stolen stuff.
Europe's given us an awful lot of incredible culture over the years.
I'm sure you're all familiar with the different kinds of music from round Europe.
Take a look at this Tyrolean choir, it's an area of Austria, a rather unique and rousing performance here.
Yeah, but they look dead.
Why do they all look dead? Was that a Netflix documentary about serial killers? It looked to me like it was a sort of line-up, like usual suspects of sex offenders and the twist is they all did it.
So let's get other elements of European culture.
Yeah, come on.
Art, loads of paintings and Dali, Picasso, Van Gogh.
What, we wouldn't have The Scream emoji - if it wasn't for the Europeans.
- The Mona Lisa.
- I wouldn't bother queueing five hours to see the Mona Lisa.
- No.
Apparently it used to hang on the wall of Napoleon's bedroom, didn't it, cos he used to revel in her beauty, which is code for wank to, and Revel in her beauty is a lovely expression, though.
I was on New Porn last night, revelling in some of the ladies' beauty.
I always get a bit frustrated by you know those statues, normally naked men, it's great but they always get the knob wrong.
Have you ever seen a European willy though, cos my memory of my dad's willy from growing up, honestly I just realised what that sounded like.
- Your dad's knob, paint us a picture.
- And then it's like, you know, it's very hairy cos he's Mediterranean, so it's like a lovely thick sort of black hair around it, but a bit sort of crispy, so it's like old hair.
Mm, yeah.
Does it look a bit like, you know, like a mini egg in a cornflake cupcake.
Exactly! Exactly.
Thank you, Rob.
So would you say the statues are actually quite complimentary? Yes, honestly, whenever there is a willy missing, because I think a lot of the willies have gone on those statues, haven't they? Hen dos.
Pull them off.
OK, let's see if it's up there.
Yes, European culture.
Six million visitors see the Mona Lisa in Paris every year.
If I want to see a miserable woman looking disappointed, I can just stay home and have sex.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 out of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the top three things the Europeans have given us.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What do you think, Rob? I think it might be fashion.
- Fashion? - You're a pretty well dressed guy.
- Yeah, fashion.
The way French and Italians always look very smart, don't they? All the fashion houses, they're all European, aren't they? So it's Paris Fashion Week, Milan is big on fashion.
Croydon Fashion Week.
But why is it that all the most amazing Because I agree, obviously amazing fashion houses in Europe, but then I feel like European fashion on the whole is very much lovely tight boot-cut jeans.
High tank top on a man.
People are very dismissive of the catwalk.
They think, these models, they make a fortune just walking up and down.
But it's not always easy.
Have a look.
This is so wonderful.
Look at the legs.
No, it's all right.
I'm going to be all right.
I've got it.
Oh, oh.
Whoa.
This is a joy.
It's OK, she's got it.
Don't worry about that.
Don't drop the watering can.
And she's off.
Whoa! Almost.
This next one really delivers.
It's got a kind of double bubble here.
Don't worry, I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'll get you.
Don't worry, I've got you.
Whoa! It looks easy.
The thing is, you don't need to see that on a fashion catwalk.
You can see that any Saturday night in any market town in this country.
The catwalk is not an easy thing.
So what I'm going to do, the catwalk challenge.
Rob, Kerry, why don't you just both walk down and do that You know that turn to the camera? Blue steel into the camera, and then turn and walk away.
You just have to look really pissed off, don't you? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, all right.
Here's the music.
Go.
Yeah! Look at him.
Yeah! Come back.
OK, you go, you go.
It's easy! That was fantastic value.
A lot of swagger.
I mean, the look of shock on your face.
Can we have a look at the shock on his face again, there.
Look at this.
I can tell you fashion is not one of the top three things.
But my top fashion tip, horizontal stripes can make you look fat.
Especially if they're the stripes in Viennetta, lasagne and Victoria sponge.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What else has Europe given us? Eurovision.
Yes! Eurovision, of course.
Before we even get into talking about Eurovision, shall we treat ourselves to some clips? - Please.
- It is magnificent.
Let's remind ourselves of the classic Eurovision entry by the Ukraine in 2007.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Verka Serduchka.
Me English nicht verstehen! Let's speak dance! Basically, Eurovision, like, can go, can't it? Like, that should go.
If we've only got 12 years left on the planet, I think we can bin all of Eurovision.
Hang on, what a terrible way to hear.
- We've got 12 years left? - We only enjoy it ironically.
No one's enjoying it sincerely, are they? Is it why we voted leave, then? Because of the Eurovision? Well, I wouldn't be surprised, because it's all shit.
All apart from the Polish entry in 2014, which was brilliant.
I'm afraid I don't speak any Polish, but I presume that song is called Sling It Up Me.
Natasha, are you a fan of Eurovision? I absolutely love it.
My favourite about Eurovision is, you know at the end, when they cut to all the different countries in their booths, with flags? And you just know it stinks of farts and cheese and onion crisps.
I like it when they do the scores.
And you basically get to see every country's Stephen Mulhern.
He turns up, like, "hello, guys! You visit me live from Lisbon! "And it's nine points!" They've built up their little moment so big.
HELLO! - Nish, have you ever watched it? - No! It's about 17 hours long.
Why are you all so miserable? If I want to see someone singing badly, I'll just go down to the Milan Bar in East Croydon.
Well, I can tell you that Eurovision is not in our top three.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
Could it be package holidays, going to Europe for holidays? Have you been on a package holiday? Have I been on a package holiday, made? The worst bit for me on a package holiday was when you're on the coach.
You have to play hotel bingo.
What's that? Well, sometimes you don't even know what hotel you're going to.
Back in the day, you didn't.
You just got recommended ones.
So you pull up outside and go, oh, please, no.
And then they announced it.
You go oh, yeah, these losers are going.
Yes! And the worst, there's always one dickhead on the coach, just, like, please don't be on mine.
Because the worst is holiday friends.
If someone wants to be your mate.
I've got mates at home I don't like, I don't need another pair.
I only went on my first all-inclusive quite recently.
I've always been a bit snobby about all-inclusive.
No disrespect, Rob.
But now I've been on one, because you get a wristband and it gives you power.
Yes! When you've got a wristband - Are you going to punch me? - Yes! You can have everything.
Within a day, I was like under the ice cream.
Giving the kids cocktails.
I was mainlining fizzy wine.
Wristband! You can't commit a crime, either.
It just gets hidden away.
What happens at the resort - I'm on a gold band, I can do what I want! - What's gold band? You know, like, when you get invited to a wedding, but you've only been invited to the disco? That's a blue band.
- Right.
- But if you've been invited to the whole shindig, gold band, mate.
You can do what you like.
- Eat what you want.
- It's just I've been to a lot of Indian weddings, and so if you get invited to the whole day, that's normal.
And if you get invited to just the evening, that means that you're white.
When we leave the EU, does that mean that holidays are going to be more of a challenge, like, going abroad? - So we're going to have more British holidays? - I think so, yeah.
I mean, it's packing for a British holiday that a massive pain, isn't it? Because you need to pack for every season.
So you've got to put a cagoule in, flip-flops, snow boots, visor, factor 50, galoshes.
The only good thing about if package holidays become a thing of the past is we'll avoid the sunbed thing.
Having to get the right sunbed.
That can be a nightmare.
Take a look at this footage.
Here he goes.
And they're under starter's orders.
He's going to clap.
And the whole swarm of them They're off.
Look at that.
How mad, this is just like ants.
I've never seen anything like it.
We're all watching it, because we're all horrified that we've had to do this every day on holiday.
This has ruined my holiday.
The problem is, with a package holiday, there's always a geezer that's been there a bit longer than you.
And they corner you, going, what you want to do, you want to go to that bit of the beach, get an ice cream from that place, there.
Dinner, get there at 8.
15.
That's when it's fresh.
It's been restocked.
You get there after six, it's fresh.
But who eats at six? The Spanish eat at ten, the mad bastards.
And I'm, like, mate, you literally got here 12 hours before me.
But you know what's funny, I think, for us as British, when we go to other countries, the first thing, the priority for us is to find out which restaurant and cafe does British food.
That's what it is.
Not where the hospitals are, you know what I mean? Not what my room looks like.
Who arrives on holiday and goes, right, where are the hospitals? OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's package holidays.
Resorts like Magaluf have become a mixture of different cultures, for instance, the most popular breakfast is a croissant, washed down with a pint of Sambuca and the morning after pill.
At the end of that round, I can tell you Rob's team are in the lead.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls, Rob, Judy, Fred, what do you like the look of? Well, I quite like the look of old Freddie.
So Fred, you present First Dates.
So, we asked our studio audience, would you go on a blind date? I've never been on a blind date, but I did take my mum to Nando's after she had her detached retina operation.
- Judy? - I would, I would go on a blind date.
Have you been on a blind date? I've been on a blind date before.
His name was Adam.
But when I turned up, he looked like Amanda.
AndI had a lucky escape because I just walked away.
Because obviously, he was expecting someone called Lindsay with blonde hair.
It's quite nice because there's no investment, is it? Like, you don't know the person, if you don't like them, you never going to see him again.
So you can just go, right, you're not a keeper, so don't speak.
I want to enjoy my dinner.
It's rare I get a night away from my husband.
So - Natasha.
- I've never been on a date.
I went on one date and I was 20 I think I was like 23, and I was so nervous that I said I was 17.
- And he - Were you going on a date with R Kelly? Have you been on Tinder? Have you ever been on Tinder? I have, but the only thing I did on it was have like really disgusting, sexy conversations with really, really weird men.
How was it weird? Just saying, like, I'm a little mouse and I want some butter.
OK, well, I'm made of questions right now.
You're a little mouse and you want some butter.
Any other examples? Just so many weird, really weird, just, like, do you want to come and nibble on my bread tits? Are you a little rat like me, squeak, squeak? You know, it was very rodent-based.
And then you just realise you're on your own on a Sunday afternoon, in bed, being like This one man was like, I'm going to come, where are you? And I said, where are you? And he said Tesco's.
Cilla Black must be turning in her flipping grave.
- Fred, is there any hope for Natasha? - I don't know, actually.
And he believes in, like, love.
The world is very big.
Like my panties, but listen I met my husband through a blind date.
- Really? - I did.
- Really? - Wow.
I wasn't on the blind date with him.
I went on a blind date.
Because I'd been single for quite a long time, so I'd gone a bit feral.
And, um Someone set me up on a blind date and I went on the date.
And it was shit.
But he introduced me to my now husband.
- Ahh! - I do think it's a nice idea, a blind date.
You might find romance through that blind date.
- Yeah, see it as an opportunity to network.
- Networking, absolutely.
- Nish, have youdating history? - Oh, you know, Jimmy.
I would have kissed my fair share of women.
Brackets, three.
I was Mr French at University.
French kissing.
Mwah! Mwah! You know you have to do your tongue for French kissing? WHAT?! It's very much about, it's like being an Austrian choir.
That's the best preparation you can have.
HE WAGGLES HIS TONGUE AND HUMS No, I mean, listen, it's a miracle that I ever managed to sexualise any lady.
Well, I mean, when you speak like that - You really feel like - It's like a Ted Bundy confession tape.
OK.
Blind dates can be awkward.
Take a look at this amazing moment from First Dates in New Zealand.
- How old are you? - I'm 24.
- Oh, OK.
- How old are you? - I'm 19.
- Oh, you're 19? Oh, OK, you look older.
Like, more mature, not as in like, you know Um Yeah.
- So you can you act? - Yeah.
- All right, act like a really arrogant, cocky guy.
- Yeah.
You know, "Yeah, I just rooted two girls last night.
" Oh, OK.
Oh, OK - Hi nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Um - BLEEP.
- I love tits in my face.
Oh - Who don't? - Oh, wrong.
- "Who don't?" - Who don't? - Who don't? - He's not lying.
You make an absolutely valid point.
You can question his delivery, but I think the truth's there.
You don't say it early doors on a date, though.
It's not an opener, is it? "Oh, do you fancy a starter?" "I like tits in my face.
" OK, so we asked our studio audience would you ever go on a blind date? - What do you think? - Yes.
These people? Absolutely.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is yes.
56% of our studio audience would go on a blind date.
On the '90s TV show Blind Date, you chose a person based on the sound of their voice.
Silly really, now we have Naked Attraction where you just pick your favourite cock and balls.
So at the end of that round it's three points for Rob's team, two points for Kerry's team.
And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one, top superpower people wish they had.
What do you think? BUZZER I wish I wasinvisible.
- What would you do if you were invisible? - Go to Fred's house.
- And what would you do? - I don't even want to say.
If you'd like to hear the end of this, it'll be on some sort of fanfiction website.
OK, top superpower, what do you think? I'd like to suddenly be white.
Like, cossometimes you go to parts of the country and everyone's looking at you and you'd just like to be able to press a button and be like, "Hi, Nick Cooper.
" I work in accounts and wear red socks.
Ha ha ha ha! Let's play bridge.
I went out with him.
What about if you could have boiling water coming out the end of a digit to make a cup of tea? It's more convenience power than anything.
And then everyone would be like "Do the water.
" All right! But it'd be true if you were invisible.
People, like, "Go on.
" - But you don't tell anyone.
- You don't tell anyone you're invisible.
Then what's the point of having a superpower?! I'd love to be invisible, but I wouldn't do anything.
I would just lay on my sofa at home and be left alone.
I'd just lay there and not be told to do anything.
- Oh, I can imagine the thing you would do.
- What would I do? You'd go around.
- Go where? - Go around in this audience.
- Doing what? You'd be doing stuff.
I know what you mean, Fred.
Really the question is, what is the SECOND thing I would do? They'd think the ladies changing rooms were haunted.
If you did do that, right, which is obviously very creepy, but when you're invisible you can still bump into people.
Because after a while they'd be like, "There's something wrong in that changing room.
I keep falling over.
" - And just every so often we hear - HE MOCKS JIMMY'S LAUGH Natasha, what superpower would you have? If I could work out some sort of superpower where I didn't have to go to the toilet any more.
I could just, like, ingest it somehow, without it poisoning me.
I just need it all the time.
- I'm a toilet woman.
I honestly - NISH LAUGHS I wake up in the morning sometimes and think, today is not about what I have to do, it's where my piss wants to go.
That's called a urine infection, babes.
My dad, I was at home for Christmas.
And I came on my period, and my mum was like, "Can you go out, when you go to the shops, "can you get some sanitary towels for Tash?" And he brought me back TENA Lady.
Because he just saw them.
But honestly the best thing I've ever been given.
The best gift you've ever received.
So he bought them by mistake and you just leant into it? - "Well, I'll use these.
" - It was just like You can't fully let go because it's too scary, but you can a little bit.
You just didn't let it all hang out? When it's like, I'll just let that out and then I have some time before I have to run to the toilet.
There is a fine line between just a little bit and self-loathing.
I haven't got anyone.
I'm not in a relationship, I do what I bloody want.
I think I wouldn't give up my power to use I do a lot of my best thinking on the toilet.
I have sit down wees, I don't mind admitting to it.
- Oh, come on.
- Do you hear that? They judged you more than Natasha pissing on herself.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's press pause on all this.
What do you mean, a sit down wee? - Sometimes I have a sit down wee.
I treat myself - Why? Because I'm not an animal.
I treat myself to a sit down wee.
Why should ladies have all the fun? Oh, I do that, too.
That's right, because you don't have to concentrate.
- Exactly.
- You just sit down and relax.
- Concentrate? I don't need to concentrate.
- It's hard having a wee Like I don't want to get into the mechanics of it.
But first thing in the morning, try and have a piss.
It goes everywhere.
- You have to aim! - It's like the mouth of your dick's yawning.
Whoa! Fucking hell! And sometimes he goes like that.
- He goes like that.
- I can't do that, I think that's a French thing.
Sometimes on a night out, you know when there's like 15 in a row, I will try and piss in all of them.
Like hold it and go.
Has someone ever walked in as you're doing a weird crab walk across? You've just got to own it.
You go, "Mind out, mate, I'm doing the full set.
" I don't know if anyone remembers quite a long time ago, we were talking about the top superpower people wish they had.
Quite some time ago.
OK, let's get some answers on this.
Top superpower? - Is it invisibility? - Absolutely right.
Yes, the top superpower people wish they had is invisibility.
I don't know if it's technically a superpower, but growing up Rob Beckett was bitten by a radioactive beaver.
That's it for part three, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
Is it getting a lift home from Ant after Saturday Night Takeaway? AUDIENCE: Oh! Oh, come on.
You know we love him.
You know we love him.
Just a bit of fun, innit? Don't you dare, actually! That man has given us so many years of his life.
He has entertained me more than so many people.
- There's a young woman that doesn't go out on a Saturday night.
- No.
It's exhausting going out.
If you were going out with your other half, where would you go? What's your go to Saturday night date night? Well, you don't have to go out any more, do you, because you've got Netflix, and you've got delivery, which is like Meals On Wheels.
And I can, I can just sit on a commode, I don't need to go anywhere.
The most depressing thing there is not sitting on the commode, but delivery is like Meals On Wheels.
It's such a"Oh, yeah".
I've got the internet.
I don't need to go out, and you can get messy on a night in.
You don't need to go out.
Be really careful.
Your drinking mime needs a little bit of work.
Is the worst way to spend a Saturday night watching your soon to be ex-wife perform on Strictly? Oh, it must be, yeah.
That is so dark and true, but yeah.
I always think that must be the worst conversation.
"Please be with Anton du Beke, please be with Anton du Beke! "Not one of the fit ones!" I've had a couple friends say "Oh, my wife's going on Strictly".
- And you were like? - "Oh, right.
Fucking hell".
I think the worst way to spend a Saturday night is to look at your reflection in the mirror and wonder which part of you you should shave first.
Yes, Judi.
Finally, some relatable content for me.
Ethnics.
And Natasha, worst Saturday night? Umis tonight Saturday? No.
LAUGHTER So Nish, what was the worst Saturday night you've ever had? Oh, I mean, let's be real.
I grew up in Croydon, so you guys have got no idea.
Until you've stood at the bus stop outside of a Tiger Tiger and watched a man be so drunk in the street that he vomits into a box of chips and carries on eating them It was my stag do! - Rob? - I've seen someone get fingered in a kebab shop.
It was my hen do! Do you know what? Do you know what, Rob, don't call it the kebab shop.
When I was growing up, the worst was when my mum used to have an Ann Summers party.
And they're downstairs cackling and you're upstairs just hiding, trying not to hear.
And what you hear is BUZZING, THEN CACKLING But the only saving grace was when you find the order book, and then you could go to school on Monday and you knew whose mum had a dildo.
That was the most powerful document in the school.
- Surely they all must've got a dildo.
- Not all of them.
- Karen just went for mainly lingerie.
- Oh, did she? Fucking come on, Karen, push the boat out.
Get the Adonis! The Adonis? The Adonis is when they bring out the big guns.
IMITATES BUZZING As seen on Eurovision.
OK, so worst way to spend a Saturday night? Drowning? I mean, it's not what I've got on the card, but it's a very good answer, Rob, yeah.
Worst way to spend a Saturdayis it? Is it working? - That's exactly the right answer.
- Is it really? - Yeah.
Yes, the worst way to spend a Saturday night is at work.
Saturday night is when a lot of people make most of their money.
For example, on Saturday nights, your mum can charge double for a gob job.
END OF ROUND BUZZER That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final shows scores are, Kerry, Natasha and Nish have two points.
Rob, Judi and Fred have five points.
They're tonight's winners! Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night!