8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s21e09 Episode Script
Kerry Godliman, Georgia Toffolo, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Fin Taylor
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats .
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Chelsea girl .
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stand-up guy.
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and their team captain.
And facing them tonight, the Kerry on the cake .
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joker of the pack .
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and their team captain.
Now, welcome your host .
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Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 1% of British Christians believe God is female? I think she is.
I mean, let's face it, only a woman would create a fine piece of ass like this.
LAUGHTER Not running the tap when brushing your teeth could save up to 12 litres of water a day - or if you're Rob Beckett, a million litres of water a day.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And two thirds of Brits would want doctors to pull the plug if they were on life support.
I know my nana wanted to be kept alive, but I'm afraid she got outvoted.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Nan.
Sorry Sorry, Nan.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the most talked-about people of the last year.
Aisling, what do you think? Who are the most talked-about people of the last 12 months? Probably, I mean, it must be Meghan Mar I love her.
Oh, my God, I love her so much.
More like Meghan Remarkable.
You're welcome.
Nice.
She's amazing.
I love her as much as the Daily Mail hate her for being black.
Do you not like her? I don't, I don't I think she gets a lot of shit.
She had her hair up in a bun and they were like, "No!" They went crazy the other day cos she closed her own car door.
What?! She got out of the car and she closed the door herself and they went, "She's broken protocol.
" It's just I love that her attitude to the Royal Family is just a general RASPBERRY NOISE It feels like she's just going around shaking shit up.
I bet you any money Meghan Markle is slowly taking things cos she knows that they don't need all this stuff.
Is she Kondoing the palace? She's absolutely Marie Kondoing the palace.
Oh, and she's like, "This doesn't spark joy," and they're like, "That's Prince Philip, put it down.
" Toff, do you know her? I don't know her, no.
But I heard that she can drop 15 grand on one outfit, so I feel like we're kindred spirits.
I think it's sort of lovely, cos she sort of went from being an actress She's given up a lot to sort of do it as well.
Yeah.
She had a pretty good career.
Well, she was in Suits.
LAUGHTER Well, you say she was in Suits.
Stop it! Let's take a look at her demonstrating her wonderful aptitude for acting in this tense and gripping scene.
I never went to Harvard.
What? SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER I'm a fraud.
Rachel Rachel Wait! Meghan, if you're watching, I never went to Harvard either.
To be fair to the press, she's definitely broken protocol there.
They say Meghan and Kate don't get on, but I'll be honest with you, I don't really care.
Like, I stay out of it when my wife don't talk to her sister.
I'm not going to start getting involved in this.
I hope it's true and they have, like, a sexy face-off, hopefully in a stationery cupboard, and basically recreate that scene.
But they won't be allowed to row though, because, like, they can't row, Meghan and Kate, very well, because posh people can't row, and Americans just try and, you know, calm everything down.
Sorry, I am so good in a row! Have you ever watched Made In Chelsea? What's that? No, but don't you panic and just throw a drink in their face? I've seen it.
Yeah, I do that.
You go, "I'm really angry about this, you know? "You've really cheesed me off," like that.
That is exactly right.
Meghan would be like, "OK, let me just internalise that, Kate.
"Let me understand where you're coming from.
" Wow! Stop it! Toff, are you aware Rob can do posh, but it's all in the teeth? Yeah.
You can do posh, but it's HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Toff "POSH" ACCENT: I've been thinking about this new investment strategy.
Honestly, I don't think it's really going to work for us.
You're making me fancy you.
Really? Would you like to go for a drink later? Yes, darling.
Best yet.
The other thing Meghan gets kind of a hard time for is the fact she used to work on Deal Or No Deal.
Did she? Yeah, she was on one of the So, on the American Deal Or No Deal, they used to have very glamorous ladies open up the boxes.
Here's Meghan Markle showcasing her talents as a briefcase model.
OK.
I just want to see! Meghan, open the case.
LAUGHTER I believe that is the I think that's the same face she made when she found out how much money that ginger kid has.
She's done well, hasn't she? How well has she done? Well, also, he's everyone's favourite Royal, isn't he? Yeah.
I mean, he's like the one you'd want to go for a beer with.
You say, "How well has she done?" But she has had a job, she's worked hard, she's explored all avenues, and now she's had a baby and everyone's like, "Oh, she's done well for herself.
" And it's like, "He's done well for himself.
" He does not have a job.
Yeah, but No-one is disputing he's done well.
LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.
I mean, in the history of punching above your weight, this is unbelievable.
She gets so much shit for, like, what She did a baby shower in New York and she got a private jet back, and everyone went mental.
But I've got a lot of sympathy.
To be fair to her, when you marry into that family, you need to know who's driving.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS You make a good point.
OK, let's see if Meghan Markle's up there.
Yes, it's Meghan Markle.
Since getting married to Prince Harry, Meghan has been subjected to a torrent of abuse.
nut Prince Philip is 97, What are you going to do? Meghan is a lifelong feminist, which she demonstrated by marrying a prince, giving up her job and living in his palace.
You go, girl.
Rob.
Yes.
What do you think? Who were the most talked about people over the last year? There's one bloke you can't get away from - Piers Morgan.
I just find it's very hard to like anyone called Piers.
Oh, I don't mind Piers.
He's the only man, you know, he has a real go You know Ariana Grande, right? He was vile to her over Twitter, and then I log on about two months later, they're having a glass of wine together at Chateau Marmont.
It's a thing.
How does he pull it off? He's basically the annoying uncle at a wedding.
You know, the pissed one that sits in the corner and slags off anything you do.
"Oh, you've got a lot of hair, have you? "You, blaaahhhh" LAUGHTER He just does that, and like But the problem is normally, that annoying uncle's left at the wedding, like But now, cos of Twitter, he can find all the other assholes.
Yeah.
And they gang up to make an uber-asshole.
Like, even if you don't follow him on Twitter, they just float into your Twitter feed, don't they, like a tampon in the sea.
Oh, God! Shall we take a look at Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain? No! LAUGHTER I mean, he's taken breakfast TV to, well, a new level, shall we say? Are these? What are these? Are they sausages or the vegan ones? These are the vegan ones.
Yeah.
Vegan ones? See, you can barely tell the difference.
I can tell.
I mean, they stink.
Can I be an elephant and literally, literally say, "I'm now an elephant," and do I get afforded elephant rights? Not sure of those in the morning.
Here's how you eat Doritos.
LOUD CRUNCHING Imagine how many more you could get in if you were eating lady Doritos.
Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your entire life than lady Doritos? We don't want lady Doritos! Women don't want lady Doritos! He goes on about vegan sausage rolls, but surely all sausage rolls are vegan.
There's no meat in them, is it? It's all toenails and bumholes.
I don't think vegans eat the bumholes either.
I'm a vegan.
I'll happily eat a bumhole.
Imagine being Susanna Reid.
Yeah, she must be so stressed.
She's not had a period for, like, two years.
She's like, "I'm going to knock him out in a minute.
" And, like, she had a row with him.
She said, "Don't be deliberately obtuse.
" It's like, it's Piers Morgan! I mean, that's like saying to Mr Tumble, "Stop falling over.
" Yeah, I mean, he goes out of his way to kind of court controversy, which, annoyingly, it kind of works for him.
I mean, the thing with Daniel Craig was annoying.
He tweeted this when Daniel Craig was pictured with his newborn child What he doesn't know is that that's from Q.
That's a gadget.
Straps off - pow, pow, pow! I'd love to know what his vulnerability is, because even like you're saying, taking against the idea of a man being a father is such an odd thing.
Like, maybe that's why he's so full of hot air, he was never winded as a kid.
Like, maybe he just had He needs burping.
He needs burping by his daddy.
Piers Morgan looks like one of those guys that's like, "Put me in a giant nappy and let me shit on you.
" Yes! He's got this amazing look as well.
He looks like meat that's been cooked the wrong way.
You know, like, who tries to poach ham? You know, like Well, I can tell you, Piers Morgan is not on the list, but Piers Morgan has 6.
5 million followers on Twitter, which makes him Britain's most popular unpopular person.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the most talked about people of the past year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What do you think, Aisling? Oh, my God.
Is it .
.
Theresa May? She has become, like, the ultimate feminist dilemma, because we've all been like, "Oh, we want more women in power, "we want more women in power! "Ah, not that one.
Oh, not that one.
" We've got to be more specific with our wishes, bitches.
But it has to be women that are willing to help other women, and she doesn't help anyone.
Everyone's like, "Oh, look at her dancing, "look at her dancing.
" And do you know what? I will say Britain is one of those fickle places that, if she did a good run on Strictly, I bet you any money at all, you'd all forgive her.
You love people on Strictly, don't you? I think she'd be good on Strictly.
They need a few more people that no-one's going to have an affair with.
LAUGHTER You know, she's only been in power, like, since 2016.
Oh, feels like an aeon.
It feels like 400 years.
It really does, doesn't it? Take a look at her in 2016 and take a look at her now.
Oh, my God! I mean, it's like she lives in Chernobyl.
LAUGHTER Everyone says how fashionable she is, as well, but I Have you seen the state of her gear? She looks like she's had a fight with a TK Maxx.
That's why she can't walk properly.
Nothing fits her.
The more stressful it all gets, the bigger the necklace gets.
So, the worse the news, she'll have a bike lock on.
You know what I think it looks like? They always looked like anal beads, her necklaces.
And that's why the more stressed she is, the bigger they get, cos she's like, "Come on, Philip.
" Shall we have a look at an eye-opening clip of her talking about her wild side? Do you know, the longer it takes someone to answer a question is because, psychologically, they are repressing the real answer.
So, when she's going, "Um, um," what she's really thinking is, "I had six guys at once.
" She went to Oxford, didn't she, and then worked at the Bank of England, OK? So, I think the problem is, all the potential prime ministers have had better jobs than being Prime Minister.
So, why don't we get someone who's got a crap job and they'll really work hard, then? Let's get someone in from, like, Sports Direct.
LAUGHTER They'll be loving it.
They can have their phone on them, they can go and piss, get holiday pay.
They'll be like, "I want to stick this out.
" I'd love to see that.
Someone in the House of Commons with one of those massive mugs.
And then, all at the same time, the next one's going to be even Oh, she's protecting us from worse.
Well, yeah.
It's like if Oh, Boris.
I mean, I bet he calls sex, like, figgy pudding or something like that.
I want to shower, do you know what I mean? And Jacob Rees-Mogg who looks like he'd appear in a haunted mirror behind you.
So creepy.
You don't like Jacob Rees-Mogg? No.
Because, Toff, I believe you called him It was a sex god and it was front page of the Times and it was just so bad.
But then you apologised to him for calling him a sex god.
And his wife, yeah.
I was like, "I'm so sorry.
" She was like, "Well, actually, "I was thrilled that someone even finds him remotely attractive.
" Wait, have you had it off with Mogg? No, I have not.
Have you had figgy pudding with old Moggy? LAUGHTER A bit of brandy sauce? Let's see you having to awkwardly apologise to the sex god that is Jacob Rees-Mogg.
I must apologise for calling you a sex god.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
I was mildly embarrassed, but enormously flattered, so thank you.
Not at all.
He's got, like, the neck of a Pez dispenser, hasn't he? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Theresa May is up there.
Yes, it's Theresa May.
Theresa May has been Prime Minister since 2016, but it feels like a lot, lot longer.
She arrived as Theresa May and will leave as Theresa Didn't.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
Go on.
Kylie Jenner? One of the Kardashian crew.
Youngest-ever self-made billionaire.
Yeah.
It's pretty impressive, innit? And all through lipsticks.
It's not self-made, is it? Like, she's from a really rich family.
What, Kim did the sex tape? Yeah, exactly.
Well, the whole family is like a Game Of Thrones thing.
It's all these weird characters with weird names and we only started watching it because we heard there was sex in it and now .
.
now we're all just weirdly into it.
To say that she's a self-made millionaire is like me opening a jar of Dolmio, pouring it over pasta and saying I'm a self-made chef.
I didn't know which one she was, but I did some research, her half sister is Kim, right? She's the one with the massive ass Correct, yeah.
.
.
and she's had butt implants.
No, but she did an X-ray and on the X-ray - obviously, a massive fan over here - and she didn't have things in her bottom.
I saw a different video where things were injected.
I don't get the whole butt implant thing.
I mean, it's window-dressing, isn't it? The real problem with the arse is the constant shitting, isn't it? I mean, you've still got to shit.
You're spending 30 grand on getting these, you know, silken gossamer milky cheeks .
.
you're still shitting out of it every day.
Do you know what? I love a good shit.
Sometimes, it's the only bit of solace.
I know, look, there's nothing better than being regular, Rob, I'm just saying.
Back to Kylie Jenner.
I admire anyone who's owning their own business and not just sitting back and doing money.
In my family, there's one instance which I really respect.
My uncle, who is just .
.
has always been a good businessman, but when he was a kid, he used to bring homing pigeons to farmers' markets and he used to sell them at the different markets.
And then, that night, the pigeons would fly back LAUGHTER .
.
and he'd go and resell the same pigeons.
I will say, I thought that was clever.
Imagine being a billionaire at 21.
At 21, all I cared about was football.
I reckon I would have bought Thierry Henry and just put him in my garden.
LAUGHTER Have a kickabout.
I can tell you Kylie Jenner is NO one of the most talked about people of the last year.
I find it exhausting, keeping track of all the different Kardashians, their relationships and dramas.
If only there was an easy way of keeping up.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more person to get.
Donald Trump.
Go on.
The main thing, he was desperate He wants a wall.
He keeps bringing it up, the wall.
What they should do is build a wall that's only about a mile long, write Trump on it, paint it gold, make it really nice, big grand opening.
He's never going to check it, is he? He's never going to do the whole length of it to check if it goes to the edge.
I think if they got a mile section and just put it on wheels, even if he did it inspect it, you could just .
.
you could just roll it along at the same time.
We are basically making some sort of Wile E Coyote gadget, but he is a fucking idiot, so LAUGHTER They almost get so close to impeaching him, so often, it feels like it's always about to happen.
It's the closest I've come to actually understanding what it must be like to have blue balls.
Just finish me off.
Just do it.
Just there, ready to go.
When it goes, it'll be Mike Pence, which is worse, so it would be sort of like coming and then your dick falling off.
Yeah.
I think it's a shame he don't drink.
Imagine his nights out.
Oh, like, KFC on tap.
Russian spies doing coke off strippers.
Piers Morgan and Farage just getting off in the corner.
It'd be mental! He's coming here, isn't he, on a state visit? He is coming on a state visit.
They are sending him to Portsmouth.
Yeah.
It's like third choice in your uni selection, isn't it? "Where are you going?" "Portsmouth.
" Should have worked a bit harder.
Some people are big fans of Trump, as this young girl demonstrates here in this emotional clip.
You'd swear it was the Jonas Brothers, look.
April, I've got to tell you something.
What? Guess what we're going to do Monday.
What? We are going to see Donald Trump in person in New Hampshire.
Are you serious?! LAUGHTER Oh, my word! Are you excited? Yes! You get to go see him in person, not just on TV.
Thank you, Mum.
LAUGHTER Are you excited? Yes.
Do you want to meet him? Tell Mr Trump you want to meet him.
I love you, Trump.
Do you know what? I reckon, after watching that, Mexicans will go, "Yeah, build the wall.
" Kids play up for cameras, though.
That might be a bit Cos every time you make a video of a kid Every video I make of my kids, the end of it, they are walking towards the camera going, "Can I watch the video?" Toff, what do you think of Trump? I find him quite inspiring.
I think, if he can be president of the United States, it gives this blonde bimbo a bit of hope, if I'm being honest.
Are you pointing to Rob? Do you want to have a look at Donald Trump? Yes, please, I've never seen him.
What does he look like? Has he got any distinguishable features? He doesn't really.
He looks like a meringue that's spoilt.
Take a look at this bizarre clip of Trump attempting to pose with a particularly disgruntled bald eagle.
Put your hand under the glove.
That was my hair.
You don't show the aspirin over there.
His aspirin! How tough could that be? Bring on my eagle.
Oh, wow! I'm going to I reckon it's a piece of piss.
Just pop him on there.
Oh, wow.
Big boy.
Oh, it suits you, Jimmy.
This is Holly, the eagle, that is currently squeezing my fucking hand.
LAUGHTER So, let's try and get a picture of me and the eagle.
Eagle, look at the camera.
LAUGHTER That eagle just looked at me in a way that suggested, "I'm taking that fucking eye.
" Stop eating my fucking finger.
I probably have too many fingers, anyway.
Aisling, do you want to have a go because I'm frightened? Yes.
OK, there you go.
You grab him.
Oh.
Oh, this is dignified.
Oh, my Not the fucking hand, man! Stick that on.
And you have to hold the hand right out, otherwise, erm .
.
otherwise he bites your face off.
Oh, my God.
He's a dream.
Oh, my God.
Hello! Is it a girl or a boy? It's a girl, Holly.
Or does it not identify as either? Please don't shit on me.
Oh, hello.
Oh, my God.
APPLAUSE Oh, he likes YOU! Look at that.
He's looking right down the lens.
Can I stroke it? No.
Aisling, presidential look, please.
Blue steel.
I'm going to grab my own pussy.
LAUGHTER Hello, you're so beautiful.
APPLAUSE Does anyone over here? Yeah, yeah.
Fin fancies giving it a go.
I would love to, but I'm allergic, unfortunately.
I feel very Game Of Thrones.
Take my glove.
So, you've got to hold your hand out really straight.
Right? There you go.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's Oh, I tell you what, though OK, blue steel down the lens.
LAUGHTER You're giving the bird the bird.
Whoa! APPLAUSE Oh, yeah, you like that.
Giving him the finger, were you? Giving him the big 'un.
We'll call it one-all.
We'll call it one-all, birdie boy? You know what it looks like? It looks like a same-sex marriage and that's how the rings are getting delivered.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much, the eagle.
Well done, America.
I mean, it's an impressive animal.
What's our bird? I'm Welsh, mate.
We've got a dragon.
It's not Game Of Thrones.
Do you know what our bird is? It's a European robin.
We're going to have to give it back.
LAUGHTER Shall we have a look and see if Donald Trump is up there? Yes, it's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is a man of the people and those people are rich Republicans with assault rifles and an irrational fear of Mexicans.
So, those were the most talked about people of the last year.
But let's not forget Kanye West.
Kanye West has 21 Grammys.
I only have two Grammys.
Grammy Cuddles and Grammy Wheelchair.
I love Kanye West.
And when I say Kanye, I mean Michael.
And when I say West, I mean Buble.
That's real music.
So, at the end of that, Rob, Toff and Fin have one point.
Aisling, Kiri and Kerry have two points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Fin, Toff, what do you like the look of? Man and a dog.
Man and a dog, OK.
A survey recently revealed that 15% of pet owners love their pet more than their partner, so we asked All I know about dogs is poodles are getting a lot of action at the moment, right? Cos they're all crossed with a poodle, innit? Oh, a poodle? Yes! Cockapoo, cavapoo, do a poo, need a poo, had a poo.
All the poo.
It's true.
But there's so many different types of dog now.
When I was a kid, I swear there was three.
There was, like, Dulux dog, Andrex dog, Blue Peter dog That was all the dogs.
There was dogs with balls, working-class dogs Yep.
.
.
dogs without balls, middle-class dogs, dogs with jackets, upper-class.
Aisling, what do you think? I've never seen a group of people more look like Saddam Hussein when he got out of that hole than people first thing in the morning walking their dogs.
Everyone's like, "Aaaaargh!" Dog walkers are boring, aren't they? You've got to talk to them on dog walks.
They're really boring people, and you're always like, "I've got a podcast on the go, mate, "You're going to have to raise your game.
" That does seem fair.
As a rule, I always avoid talking to anyone that's carrying a bag of shit.
One of my little life rules.
That's why I don't know how you could be truly happy, because having to pick up, you know, how? Yeah.
I don't think that's true contentment.
But they're useful.
It's useful having a dog, because you can blame your farts on the dog.
Sure.
I blame shits.
"Oh, that dog's done it again in the living room.
" It's good to give you a voice.
Like, if you've got something you can't say to your partner, it's nice to make a dog's voice.
You're like, "Oh, I think the dog's saying something, Ben.
" "I think the dog's saying, "'Shave your ears.
Scrape the skin off your feet once a week, mate.
'" Well, that's the good thing about having pet fish.
You just shove your feet in the tank and they sort it out.
I thought that got banned.
It got banned.
All the fish were dying cos British feet are disgusting.
There! Yeah, we were all putting our hobbit paws in, and then the fish were like, "Blurgh!" Yeah, it's gross! And they keep on doing it cos they forget.
They're like, "I'm going to go back for one more.
Ugh!" Toff, have you got a dog? No, no dog.
I've only ever had one pet.
I had a cat called Jason.
Jason? You can't call a cat Jason.
I don't know.
I wanted to call him Jason.
Also, I've never met a Jason that isn't good at plastering.
My dog is called Taxi, so in the park, if I shout for him, it sounds like I'm hailing a cab.
I thought you said "taxes" for a minute.
No, not in my house.
I've got a dog and a cat.
The dog's deluded about their relationship.
So the dog's like, "Want to play? Let's play.
" And there cat's like, "Fuck you.
" Kiri, what have you got? I've got a cat and a dog.
OK, so what about names? What have you called them? OK.
Oh, God.
So the dog is called Ci, which is Welsh for dog.
Fair enough.
Just straight to the point.
Does he know that? He doesn't know anything.
He's thick as fuck.
And then I've got a cat who's a rescue.
I really like him, except he insists on watching me and my partner bang.
I'll think he's out the room, I've cleared everything, and then we'll be at it and I'll just sort of We'll move around and there'll be just a pair of eyes watching me.
I can't have sex if the dog's watching, and that's why I always hold it like that.
So, does owning a pet make you happy? What do you think? I think so, don't you? Yeah.
People seem happy.
It must, because apparently half of all British households have a pet.
That also means half of them don't.
We're going with yes - we think it makes you happy.
What do you think, Aisling? What do you think? The pets definitely make you happy.
Yeah, sorry to agree, but yes.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the answer is yes, 87% of our studio audience say owning a pet does make you happy.
CHEERING My dog can lick his own balls.
So can I, but sadly, he doesn't always let me.
Of course, having a pet makes you happier.
Nothing brings a bigger smile to my face than opening my front door and seeing little Max bounding through the house to come and greet me.
God, I love that horse.
Now, before we carry on, it's time for a game of Carrot In A Box: Pets Edition.
Rob, Aisling, come and join me in the middle.
CHEERING OK, the rules of Pet In A Box are simple.
You each have a box in front of you.
One of these boxes has a pet in it - the other doesn't.
The aim of the game is to end up with a pet in your box.
Rob, in a moment, I'll ask you to look in your box.
You will need to bluff your way through the game to ensure that you end up with a pet in your box.
Quality.
It will be up to you and Aisling to decide whether you keep your box or swap boxes with Rob, but you can't look inside your box.
Let's play Pet In A Box.
These are high stakes.
All right, Rob, you can now look in your box, but you cannot reveal what the animal is.
OK.
OK.
Aisling, you can't look in his box.
I'm not trying to look in his box - I'm trying to look into his soul.
That ain't a fucking pet.
He says, "It ain't a fucking pet.
" It's an horrible spider in there.
If it's a spider, then, Rob, tell me this Eight legs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shit.
JIMMY CACKLES Describe the spider to us, Rob.
Yes.
Right, well, little, black, hairy fella, innit? What type of spider is it? Pretty big one.
See, now, see, I don't think you'd have to look the next time round cos you're like, "Oh, what is it? Oh, a spider!" I don't think you'd have to keep on looking - you'd just remember once.
Wouldn't have to keep looking in the box.
Would he, Jimmy? Would he, Jimmy?! Could you stop calling me Woody? I'm just wearing a lot of make-up.
I think it's a It looks like a tarantulally one.
What? Sorry, how is it pronounced? Tarantula-y? A tarantula-la-la-ly one.
How would you say something was tarantulalily? It's a tarantula but I don't know if it is a tarantula, so it's a bit tarantula Like, if something was horsey Horsily? I'm not a horse, but I look a bit horsey.
It's a spider that's tarantulalerily.
OK, tarantula-y.
Do you think he's bluffing, Aisling? I do think he's bluffing, James.
So you think you have the spider in your box? If you'll pardon that expression.
I don't think it's a spider.
I don't even think it's a goddamn spider, Jimmy.
I don't even think God, it's like Madame Tussauds! Erm APPLAUSE Put your hand in the box if there's a spider in there.
You do not have to put your hand in the box.
Put your hand in the box, Rob.
I don't have to put my hand in the box.
Ugh! Daddy said so.
You're being so Daddy said! Dad said that I don't have to put my hand in the box.
I'm not his real dad but I don't know how to tell him.
I have fucked his mum.
Wow.
I'm surprised you can say that to someone at work.
Imagine that you worked in a Post Office.
But I can There's a spider in it.
I've told you from the start.
So does he have an animal in there? Do you want to swap boxes or do you want to keep your box? Can I have your box, please, Rob? OK, swap round.
OK, all right So, Aisling, you're allowed to look in your box and if there's a pet in it, then you win.
OK.
You think there is an animal in there? Have a little look.
I do.
Lift that up and have a look inside.
Yes! Yes! There's a spider in there! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Uh, uh, uh! Uh, uh, uh, uh! The good news is you'veyou've won a spider.
So you get the point there, Aisling.
Congratulations.
That's the end of this part.
I'll see you after the break.
APPLAUSE Well played.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is - is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Go outside for a nice wank.
Sorry, I mean walk.
No, I don't, I mean wank.
You could do both.
What you have to go outside? Oh, it's lovely to get some fresh air.
Rob? It don't take much for me to cheer up.
A good bit of parking.
Like when you get a space right outside? Oh, yeah, or you just, you know, get in a little gap.
Or reverse part.
Yeah, if I reverse park and I nail it, I do slightly go, "Come on".
And I can't frown.
I don't have the muscles for it, so I'm always cheery.
It's the way I am.
You've got whatever the opposite of resting bitch face is.
Yes.
So, basically, what happens is, I try and do it but the bottom bit comes up.
Go on, try and look depressed.
Sort of looks like you're having a wank outside.
How do you cheer yourself up, Finn? Farting in a hot tub.
I am literally swimming in alibis.
You can't touch me.
Toff, what do you do to cheer yourself up? Oh, I like a bit of Radio 4.
Preferably the gardening Q&A.
It's quite relaxing.
And I'm partial to a sausage roll and a nice bun.
Sausage roll and a nice bun? Well, yeah, sausage roll for the main, ice bun for pud.
Delightful.
Like a Greggs two-course meal.
Cheers me right up.
Do you go Greggs? I do, actually.
I know, surprisingly so.
Was that the day you went on like a working-class safari and you were like, "Hello"? "Look what they do, Mummy! "They're all wrapped up in like pastry, or something.
" What sort of foods did you grow up eating? Yeah, did you ever have a Findus crispy pancake? Or a Pop-Tart, yeah.
Did your whole dinner ever come out of the toaster? I think you're imagining me growing up in a castle.
It definitely wasn't like that.
I don't know what gives us that impression.
Could be the name Toff, I suppose.
What do you do to cheer yourself up, Aisling? Swimming with dolphins is always a good one.
But I will say, ring ahead to the leisure centre to make sure you're allowed to bring them.
What do I do to cheer myself up? Hang around with friends.
Oh, I like you.
That's lovely.
We've never met before, but, that's lovely.
I go on YouTube and I find clips of Antiques Roadshow when a rich woman has brought a painting on she thinks is worth loads and they tell her it's worth fuck all.
Mwa! Very good.
Yes, please.
That's a nice moment.
So nice.
What about you, Kerry, what do you do? Sometimes I've a look at Facebook, at an ex, and look into his eyeballs and think, "You were a prick, I'm glad I'm not with you any more.
" OK.
Cheer up, everyone.
What else do you do to cheer yourself up? Salisbury Cathedral.
Lovely spot.
That or MDMA, that's what I do.
Or mix the two.
Oh, choice! A bit of jam on toast.
You're a very simple creature.
I've never had the hump eating jam on toast.
Have you? What type of fruit? Oh, Strawberry.
Oh, raspberry, blackcurrant, marmalade? What do you think I am, my nan?! OK, best way to cheer yourself up, what do you think? It will be love, won't it? Something to do with love.
Have sex is number four.
Oh, like, then, finish yourself off should be number two.
You've already got it, Aisling.
You got it right.
The best way to cheer yourself up as a night out with your friends.
Aww! To cheer myself up, I sometimes look at the list of the 100 sexiest men.
I came number four - all over a topless photo of Ryan Gosling.
OK, last question.
What do you think? The fact that your friends are there and you've got to cook.
Nothing better than a takeaway on your own, personally.
What do you think, Aisling? Worst thing about cooking with your friends I'd say it's like their dietary requirements.
Like, I have this thing with my friends where, like, my friend Rachel, she's a bit finicky about food.
And then Monica used to be a chef, so she gets really involved.
And Chandler always has something sarcastic to say.
The worst is when you chop up a chilli and then go for a piss.
There's no pain like it.
It comes in waves.
What about you, what's the worst thing about cooking for your friends? Having to wear a bra while I eat.
You're at home.
It's my house! Have you got a term for? In our house, it is free-boobing.
# Because I'm free Free-boobing I had three there for some reason, I don't know why.
I was so relaxed, the middle one dropped.
Fin, what's the worst thing about cooking for your friends? Gluten intolerance.
If the cure for your diseases in an aisle in Waitrose, it is not a disease.
This might interest you as a fact.
Do you know it is possible to be gluten-free and shut the fuck up? Do you cook for people, Toff? Do you ever cook? Yeah, I do.
I'm not the best cook, so I think what I don't enjoy is the lying that I have to do, because I deliver in the food and then decant it into the bowl.
Decanting! You're so great.
When you decant it, do you mess it up a bit to go, "Oh, I made a mistake"? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, you can't look too perfect.
Very clever.
It also makes you not enjoy the evening, so I just feel like a big fat liar.
We've had to do middle-class dinner parties, because of my wife.
And it is the worst part - sort of sitting there and resisting the urge to rip out everyone's throat and scream, "What have I become?!" It's like a Ken Loach film.
I mean, my friends are animals.
Sometimes, I just lob a lump of meat in the garden and let them fight over it.
Come on, let's get some answers on this.
Doing the dishes, that's my guess.
That is the exact right answer.
Is it?! Oh, well done.
Yes, the worst thing about cooking for friends is washing up after.
I bought a dishwasher recently, but it's always breaking down, because I won't let it go back to Thailand to visit her kids.
KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Toff and Fin have two points, but the winners - Aisling, Kiri and Kerry, with five points.
Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats .
.
Chelsea girl .
.
stand-up guy.
.
.
and their team captain.
And facing them tonight, the Kerry on the cake .
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joker of the pack .
.
and their team captain.
Now, welcome your host .
.
Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 1% of British Christians believe God is female? I think she is.
I mean, let's face it, only a woman would create a fine piece of ass like this.
LAUGHTER Not running the tap when brushing your teeth could save up to 12 litres of water a day - or if you're Rob Beckett, a million litres of water a day.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And two thirds of Brits would want doctors to pull the plug if they were on life support.
I know my nana wanted to be kept alive, but I'm afraid she got outvoted.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Nan.
Sorry Sorry, Nan.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
Tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the most talked-about people of the last year.
Aisling, what do you think? Who are the most talked-about people of the last 12 months? Probably, I mean, it must be Meghan Mar I love her.
Oh, my God, I love her so much.
More like Meghan Remarkable.
You're welcome.
Nice.
She's amazing.
I love her as much as the Daily Mail hate her for being black.
Do you not like her? I don't, I don't I think she gets a lot of shit.
She had her hair up in a bun and they were like, "No!" They went crazy the other day cos she closed her own car door.
What?! She got out of the car and she closed the door herself and they went, "She's broken protocol.
" It's just I love that her attitude to the Royal Family is just a general RASPBERRY NOISE It feels like she's just going around shaking shit up.
I bet you any money Meghan Markle is slowly taking things cos she knows that they don't need all this stuff.
Is she Kondoing the palace? She's absolutely Marie Kondoing the palace.
Oh, and she's like, "This doesn't spark joy," and they're like, "That's Prince Philip, put it down.
" Toff, do you know her? I don't know her, no.
But I heard that she can drop 15 grand on one outfit, so I feel like we're kindred spirits.
I think it's sort of lovely, cos she sort of went from being an actress She's given up a lot to sort of do it as well.
Yeah.
She had a pretty good career.
Well, she was in Suits.
LAUGHTER Well, you say she was in Suits.
Stop it! Let's take a look at her demonstrating her wonderful aptitude for acting in this tense and gripping scene.
I never went to Harvard.
What? SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER I'm a fraud.
Rachel Rachel Wait! Meghan, if you're watching, I never went to Harvard either.
To be fair to the press, she's definitely broken protocol there.
They say Meghan and Kate don't get on, but I'll be honest with you, I don't really care.
Like, I stay out of it when my wife don't talk to her sister.
I'm not going to start getting involved in this.
I hope it's true and they have, like, a sexy face-off, hopefully in a stationery cupboard, and basically recreate that scene.
But they won't be allowed to row though, because, like, they can't row, Meghan and Kate, very well, because posh people can't row, and Americans just try and, you know, calm everything down.
Sorry, I am so good in a row! Have you ever watched Made In Chelsea? What's that? No, but don't you panic and just throw a drink in their face? I've seen it.
Yeah, I do that.
You go, "I'm really angry about this, you know? "You've really cheesed me off," like that.
That is exactly right.
Meghan would be like, "OK, let me just internalise that, Kate.
"Let me understand where you're coming from.
" Wow! Stop it! Toff, are you aware Rob can do posh, but it's all in the teeth? Yeah.
You can do posh, but it's HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Toff "POSH" ACCENT: I've been thinking about this new investment strategy.
Honestly, I don't think it's really going to work for us.
You're making me fancy you.
Really? Would you like to go for a drink later? Yes, darling.
Best yet.
The other thing Meghan gets kind of a hard time for is the fact she used to work on Deal Or No Deal.
Did she? Yeah, she was on one of the So, on the American Deal Or No Deal, they used to have very glamorous ladies open up the boxes.
Here's Meghan Markle showcasing her talents as a briefcase model.
OK.
I just want to see! Meghan, open the case.
LAUGHTER I believe that is the I think that's the same face she made when she found out how much money that ginger kid has.
She's done well, hasn't she? How well has she done? Well, also, he's everyone's favourite Royal, isn't he? Yeah.
I mean, he's like the one you'd want to go for a beer with.
You say, "How well has she done?" But she has had a job, she's worked hard, she's explored all avenues, and now she's had a baby and everyone's like, "Oh, she's done well for herself.
" And it's like, "He's done well for himself.
" He does not have a job.
Yeah, but No-one is disputing he's done well.
LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.
I mean, in the history of punching above your weight, this is unbelievable.
She gets so much shit for, like, what She did a baby shower in New York and she got a private jet back, and everyone went mental.
But I've got a lot of sympathy.
To be fair to her, when you marry into that family, you need to know who's driving.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS You make a good point.
OK, let's see if Meghan Markle's up there.
Yes, it's Meghan Markle.
Since getting married to Prince Harry, Meghan has been subjected to a torrent of abuse.
nut Prince Philip is 97, What are you going to do? Meghan is a lifelong feminist, which she demonstrated by marrying a prince, giving up her job and living in his palace.
You go, girl.
Rob.
Yes.
What do you think? Who were the most talked about people over the last year? There's one bloke you can't get away from - Piers Morgan.
I just find it's very hard to like anyone called Piers.
Oh, I don't mind Piers.
He's the only man, you know, he has a real go You know Ariana Grande, right? He was vile to her over Twitter, and then I log on about two months later, they're having a glass of wine together at Chateau Marmont.
It's a thing.
How does he pull it off? He's basically the annoying uncle at a wedding.
You know, the pissed one that sits in the corner and slags off anything you do.
"Oh, you've got a lot of hair, have you? "You, blaaahhhh" LAUGHTER He just does that, and like But the problem is normally, that annoying uncle's left at the wedding, like But now, cos of Twitter, he can find all the other assholes.
Yeah.
And they gang up to make an uber-asshole.
Like, even if you don't follow him on Twitter, they just float into your Twitter feed, don't they, like a tampon in the sea.
Oh, God! Shall we take a look at Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain? No! LAUGHTER I mean, he's taken breakfast TV to, well, a new level, shall we say? Are these? What are these? Are they sausages or the vegan ones? These are the vegan ones.
Yeah.
Vegan ones? See, you can barely tell the difference.
I can tell.
I mean, they stink.
Can I be an elephant and literally, literally say, "I'm now an elephant," and do I get afforded elephant rights? Not sure of those in the morning.
Here's how you eat Doritos.
LOUD CRUNCHING Imagine how many more you could get in if you were eating lady Doritos.
Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your entire life than lady Doritos? We don't want lady Doritos! Women don't want lady Doritos! He goes on about vegan sausage rolls, but surely all sausage rolls are vegan.
There's no meat in them, is it? It's all toenails and bumholes.
I don't think vegans eat the bumholes either.
I'm a vegan.
I'll happily eat a bumhole.
Imagine being Susanna Reid.
Yeah, she must be so stressed.
She's not had a period for, like, two years.
She's like, "I'm going to knock him out in a minute.
" And, like, she had a row with him.
She said, "Don't be deliberately obtuse.
" It's like, it's Piers Morgan! I mean, that's like saying to Mr Tumble, "Stop falling over.
" Yeah, I mean, he goes out of his way to kind of court controversy, which, annoyingly, it kind of works for him.
I mean, the thing with Daniel Craig was annoying.
He tweeted this when Daniel Craig was pictured with his newborn child What he doesn't know is that that's from Q.
That's a gadget.
Straps off - pow, pow, pow! I'd love to know what his vulnerability is, because even like you're saying, taking against the idea of a man being a father is such an odd thing.
Like, maybe that's why he's so full of hot air, he was never winded as a kid.
Like, maybe he just had He needs burping.
He needs burping by his daddy.
Piers Morgan looks like one of those guys that's like, "Put me in a giant nappy and let me shit on you.
" Yes! He's got this amazing look as well.
He looks like meat that's been cooked the wrong way.
You know, like, who tries to poach ham? You know, like Well, I can tell you, Piers Morgan is not on the list, but Piers Morgan has 6.
5 million followers on Twitter, which makes him Britain's most popular unpopular person.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the most talked about people of the past year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What do you think, Aisling? Oh, my God.
Is it .
.
Theresa May? She has become, like, the ultimate feminist dilemma, because we've all been like, "Oh, we want more women in power, "we want more women in power! "Ah, not that one.
Oh, not that one.
" We've got to be more specific with our wishes, bitches.
But it has to be women that are willing to help other women, and she doesn't help anyone.
Everyone's like, "Oh, look at her dancing, "look at her dancing.
" And do you know what? I will say Britain is one of those fickle places that, if she did a good run on Strictly, I bet you any money at all, you'd all forgive her.
You love people on Strictly, don't you? I think she'd be good on Strictly.
They need a few more people that no-one's going to have an affair with.
LAUGHTER You know, she's only been in power, like, since 2016.
Oh, feels like an aeon.
It feels like 400 years.
It really does, doesn't it? Take a look at her in 2016 and take a look at her now.
Oh, my God! I mean, it's like she lives in Chernobyl.
LAUGHTER Everyone says how fashionable she is, as well, but I Have you seen the state of her gear? She looks like she's had a fight with a TK Maxx.
That's why she can't walk properly.
Nothing fits her.
The more stressful it all gets, the bigger the necklace gets.
So, the worse the news, she'll have a bike lock on.
You know what I think it looks like? They always looked like anal beads, her necklaces.
And that's why the more stressed she is, the bigger they get, cos she's like, "Come on, Philip.
" Shall we have a look at an eye-opening clip of her talking about her wild side? Do you know, the longer it takes someone to answer a question is because, psychologically, they are repressing the real answer.
So, when she's going, "Um, um," what she's really thinking is, "I had six guys at once.
" She went to Oxford, didn't she, and then worked at the Bank of England, OK? So, I think the problem is, all the potential prime ministers have had better jobs than being Prime Minister.
So, why don't we get someone who's got a crap job and they'll really work hard, then? Let's get someone in from, like, Sports Direct.
LAUGHTER They'll be loving it.
They can have their phone on them, they can go and piss, get holiday pay.
They'll be like, "I want to stick this out.
" I'd love to see that.
Someone in the House of Commons with one of those massive mugs.
And then, all at the same time, the next one's going to be even Oh, she's protecting us from worse.
Well, yeah.
It's like if Oh, Boris.
I mean, I bet he calls sex, like, figgy pudding or something like that.
I want to shower, do you know what I mean? And Jacob Rees-Mogg who looks like he'd appear in a haunted mirror behind you.
So creepy.
You don't like Jacob Rees-Mogg? No.
Because, Toff, I believe you called him It was a sex god and it was front page of the Times and it was just so bad.
But then you apologised to him for calling him a sex god.
And his wife, yeah.
I was like, "I'm so sorry.
" She was like, "Well, actually, "I was thrilled that someone even finds him remotely attractive.
" Wait, have you had it off with Mogg? No, I have not.
Have you had figgy pudding with old Moggy? LAUGHTER A bit of brandy sauce? Let's see you having to awkwardly apologise to the sex god that is Jacob Rees-Mogg.
I must apologise for calling you a sex god.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
I was mildly embarrassed, but enormously flattered, so thank you.
Not at all.
He's got, like, the neck of a Pez dispenser, hasn't he? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Theresa May is up there.
Yes, it's Theresa May.
Theresa May has been Prime Minister since 2016, but it feels like a lot, lot longer.
She arrived as Theresa May and will leave as Theresa Didn't.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
Go on.
Kylie Jenner? One of the Kardashian crew.
Youngest-ever self-made billionaire.
Yeah.
It's pretty impressive, innit? And all through lipsticks.
It's not self-made, is it? Like, she's from a really rich family.
What, Kim did the sex tape? Yeah, exactly.
Well, the whole family is like a Game Of Thrones thing.
It's all these weird characters with weird names and we only started watching it because we heard there was sex in it and now .
.
now we're all just weirdly into it.
To say that she's a self-made millionaire is like me opening a jar of Dolmio, pouring it over pasta and saying I'm a self-made chef.
I didn't know which one she was, but I did some research, her half sister is Kim, right? She's the one with the massive ass Correct, yeah.
.
.
and she's had butt implants.
No, but she did an X-ray and on the X-ray - obviously, a massive fan over here - and she didn't have things in her bottom.
I saw a different video where things were injected.
I don't get the whole butt implant thing.
I mean, it's window-dressing, isn't it? The real problem with the arse is the constant shitting, isn't it? I mean, you've still got to shit.
You're spending 30 grand on getting these, you know, silken gossamer milky cheeks .
.
you're still shitting out of it every day.
Do you know what? I love a good shit.
Sometimes, it's the only bit of solace.
I know, look, there's nothing better than being regular, Rob, I'm just saying.
Back to Kylie Jenner.
I admire anyone who's owning their own business and not just sitting back and doing money.
In my family, there's one instance which I really respect.
My uncle, who is just .
.
has always been a good businessman, but when he was a kid, he used to bring homing pigeons to farmers' markets and he used to sell them at the different markets.
And then, that night, the pigeons would fly back LAUGHTER .
.
and he'd go and resell the same pigeons.
I will say, I thought that was clever.
Imagine being a billionaire at 21.
At 21, all I cared about was football.
I reckon I would have bought Thierry Henry and just put him in my garden.
LAUGHTER Have a kickabout.
I can tell you Kylie Jenner is NO one of the most talked about people of the last year.
I find it exhausting, keeping track of all the different Kardashians, their relationships and dramas.
If only there was an easy way of keeping up.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more person to get.
Donald Trump.
Go on.
The main thing, he was desperate He wants a wall.
He keeps bringing it up, the wall.
What they should do is build a wall that's only about a mile long, write Trump on it, paint it gold, make it really nice, big grand opening.
He's never going to check it, is he? He's never going to do the whole length of it to check if it goes to the edge.
I think if they got a mile section and just put it on wheels, even if he did it inspect it, you could just .
.
you could just roll it along at the same time.
We are basically making some sort of Wile E Coyote gadget, but he is a fucking idiot, so LAUGHTER They almost get so close to impeaching him, so often, it feels like it's always about to happen.
It's the closest I've come to actually understanding what it must be like to have blue balls.
Just finish me off.
Just do it.
Just there, ready to go.
When it goes, it'll be Mike Pence, which is worse, so it would be sort of like coming and then your dick falling off.
Yeah.
I think it's a shame he don't drink.
Imagine his nights out.
Oh, like, KFC on tap.
Russian spies doing coke off strippers.
Piers Morgan and Farage just getting off in the corner.
It'd be mental! He's coming here, isn't he, on a state visit? He is coming on a state visit.
They are sending him to Portsmouth.
Yeah.
It's like third choice in your uni selection, isn't it? "Where are you going?" "Portsmouth.
" Should have worked a bit harder.
Some people are big fans of Trump, as this young girl demonstrates here in this emotional clip.
You'd swear it was the Jonas Brothers, look.
April, I've got to tell you something.
What? Guess what we're going to do Monday.
What? We are going to see Donald Trump in person in New Hampshire.
Are you serious?! LAUGHTER Oh, my word! Are you excited? Yes! You get to go see him in person, not just on TV.
Thank you, Mum.
LAUGHTER Are you excited? Yes.
Do you want to meet him? Tell Mr Trump you want to meet him.
I love you, Trump.
Do you know what? I reckon, after watching that, Mexicans will go, "Yeah, build the wall.
" Kids play up for cameras, though.
That might be a bit Cos every time you make a video of a kid Every video I make of my kids, the end of it, they are walking towards the camera going, "Can I watch the video?" Toff, what do you think of Trump? I find him quite inspiring.
I think, if he can be president of the United States, it gives this blonde bimbo a bit of hope, if I'm being honest.
Are you pointing to Rob? Do you want to have a look at Donald Trump? Yes, please, I've never seen him.
What does he look like? Has he got any distinguishable features? He doesn't really.
He looks like a meringue that's spoilt.
Take a look at this bizarre clip of Trump attempting to pose with a particularly disgruntled bald eagle.
Put your hand under the glove.
That was my hair.
You don't show the aspirin over there.
His aspirin! How tough could that be? Bring on my eagle.
Oh, wow! I'm going to I reckon it's a piece of piss.
Just pop him on there.
Oh, wow.
Big boy.
Oh, it suits you, Jimmy.
This is Holly, the eagle, that is currently squeezing my fucking hand.
LAUGHTER So, let's try and get a picture of me and the eagle.
Eagle, look at the camera.
LAUGHTER That eagle just looked at me in a way that suggested, "I'm taking that fucking eye.
" Stop eating my fucking finger.
I probably have too many fingers, anyway.
Aisling, do you want to have a go because I'm frightened? Yes.
OK, there you go.
You grab him.
Oh.
Oh, this is dignified.
Oh, my Not the fucking hand, man! Stick that on.
And you have to hold the hand right out, otherwise, erm .
.
otherwise he bites your face off.
Oh, my God.
He's a dream.
Oh, my God.
Hello! Is it a girl or a boy? It's a girl, Holly.
Or does it not identify as either? Please don't shit on me.
Oh, hello.
Oh, my God.
APPLAUSE Oh, he likes YOU! Look at that.
He's looking right down the lens.
Can I stroke it? No.
Aisling, presidential look, please.
Blue steel.
I'm going to grab my own pussy.
LAUGHTER Hello, you're so beautiful.
APPLAUSE Does anyone over here? Yeah, yeah.
Fin fancies giving it a go.
I would love to, but I'm allergic, unfortunately.
I feel very Game Of Thrones.
Take my glove.
So, you've got to hold your hand out really straight.
Right? There you go.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's Oh, I tell you what, though OK, blue steel down the lens.
LAUGHTER You're giving the bird the bird.
Whoa! APPLAUSE Oh, yeah, you like that.
Giving him the finger, were you? Giving him the big 'un.
We'll call it one-all.
We'll call it one-all, birdie boy? You know what it looks like? It looks like a same-sex marriage and that's how the rings are getting delivered.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much, the eagle.
Well done, America.
I mean, it's an impressive animal.
What's our bird? I'm Welsh, mate.
We've got a dragon.
It's not Game Of Thrones.
Do you know what our bird is? It's a European robin.
We're going to have to give it back.
LAUGHTER Shall we have a look and see if Donald Trump is up there? Yes, it's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is a man of the people and those people are rich Republicans with assault rifles and an irrational fear of Mexicans.
So, those were the most talked about people of the last year.
But let's not forget Kanye West.
Kanye West has 21 Grammys.
I only have two Grammys.
Grammy Cuddles and Grammy Wheelchair.
I love Kanye West.
And when I say Kanye, I mean Michael.
And when I say West, I mean Buble.
That's real music.
So, at the end of that, Rob, Toff and Fin have one point.
Aisling, Kiri and Kerry have two points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Fin, Toff, what do you like the look of? Man and a dog.
Man and a dog, OK.
A survey recently revealed that 15% of pet owners love their pet more than their partner, so we asked All I know about dogs is poodles are getting a lot of action at the moment, right? Cos they're all crossed with a poodle, innit? Oh, a poodle? Yes! Cockapoo, cavapoo, do a poo, need a poo, had a poo.
All the poo.
It's true.
But there's so many different types of dog now.
When I was a kid, I swear there was three.
There was, like, Dulux dog, Andrex dog, Blue Peter dog That was all the dogs.
There was dogs with balls, working-class dogs Yep.
.
.
dogs without balls, middle-class dogs, dogs with jackets, upper-class.
Aisling, what do you think? I've never seen a group of people more look like Saddam Hussein when he got out of that hole than people first thing in the morning walking their dogs.
Everyone's like, "Aaaaargh!" Dog walkers are boring, aren't they? You've got to talk to them on dog walks.
They're really boring people, and you're always like, "I've got a podcast on the go, mate, "You're going to have to raise your game.
" That does seem fair.
As a rule, I always avoid talking to anyone that's carrying a bag of shit.
One of my little life rules.
That's why I don't know how you could be truly happy, because having to pick up, you know, how? Yeah.
I don't think that's true contentment.
But they're useful.
It's useful having a dog, because you can blame your farts on the dog.
Sure.
I blame shits.
"Oh, that dog's done it again in the living room.
" It's good to give you a voice.
Like, if you've got something you can't say to your partner, it's nice to make a dog's voice.
You're like, "Oh, I think the dog's saying something, Ben.
" "I think the dog's saying, "'Shave your ears.
Scrape the skin off your feet once a week, mate.
'" Well, that's the good thing about having pet fish.
You just shove your feet in the tank and they sort it out.
I thought that got banned.
It got banned.
All the fish were dying cos British feet are disgusting.
There! Yeah, we were all putting our hobbit paws in, and then the fish were like, "Blurgh!" Yeah, it's gross! And they keep on doing it cos they forget.
They're like, "I'm going to go back for one more.
Ugh!" Toff, have you got a dog? No, no dog.
I've only ever had one pet.
I had a cat called Jason.
Jason? You can't call a cat Jason.
I don't know.
I wanted to call him Jason.
Also, I've never met a Jason that isn't good at plastering.
My dog is called Taxi, so in the park, if I shout for him, it sounds like I'm hailing a cab.
I thought you said "taxes" for a minute.
No, not in my house.
I've got a dog and a cat.
The dog's deluded about their relationship.
So the dog's like, "Want to play? Let's play.
" And there cat's like, "Fuck you.
" Kiri, what have you got? I've got a cat and a dog.
OK, so what about names? What have you called them? OK.
Oh, God.
So the dog is called Ci, which is Welsh for dog.
Fair enough.
Just straight to the point.
Does he know that? He doesn't know anything.
He's thick as fuck.
And then I've got a cat who's a rescue.
I really like him, except he insists on watching me and my partner bang.
I'll think he's out the room, I've cleared everything, and then we'll be at it and I'll just sort of We'll move around and there'll be just a pair of eyes watching me.
I can't have sex if the dog's watching, and that's why I always hold it like that.
So, does owning a pet make you happy? What do you think? I think so, don't you? Yeah.
People seem happy.
It must, because apparently half of all British households have a pet.
That also means half of them don't.
We're going with yes - we think it makes you happy.
What do you think, Aisling? What do you think? The pets definitely make you happy.
Yeah, sorry to agree, but yes.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the answer is yes, 87% of our studio audience say owning a pet does make you happy.
CHEERING My dog can lick his own balls.
So can I, but sadly, he doesn't always let me.
Of course, having a pet makes you happier.
Nothing brings a bigger smile to my face than opening my front door and seeing little Max bounding through the house to come and greet me.
God, I love that horse.
Now, before we carry on, it's time for a game of Carrot In A Box: Pets Edition.
Rob, Aisling, come and join me in the middle.
CHEERING OK, the rules of Pet In A Box are simple.
You each have a box in front of you.
One of these boxes has a pet in it - the other doesn't.
The aim of the game is to end up with a pet in your box.
Rob, in a moment, I'll ask you to look in your box.
You will need to bluff your way through the game to ensure that you end up with a pet in your box.
Quality.
It will be up to you and Aisling to decide whether you keep your box or swap boxes with Rob, but you can't look inside your box.
Let's play Pet In A Box.
These are high stakes.
All right, Rob, you can now look in your box, but you cannot reveal what the animal is.
OK.
OK.
Aisling, you can't look in his box.
I'm not trying to look in his box - I'm trying to look into his soul.
That ain't a fucking pet.
He says, "It ain't a fucking pet.
" It's an horrible spider in there.
If it's a spider, then, Rob, tell me this Eight legs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shit.
JIMMY CACKLES Describe the spider to us, Rob.
Yes.
Right, well, little, black, hairy fella, innit? What type of spider is it? Pretty big one.
See, now, see, I don't think you'd have to look the next time round cos you're like, "Oh, what is it? Oh, a spider!" I don't think you'd have to keep on looking - you'd just remember once.
Wouldn't have to keep looking in the box.
Would he, Jimmy? Would he, Jimmy?! Could you stop calling me Woody? I'm just wearing a lot of make-up.
I think it's a It looks like a tarantulally one.
What? Sorry, how is it pronounced? Tarantula-y? A tarantula-la-la-ly one.
How would you say something was tarantulalily? It's a tarantula but I don't know if it is a tarantula, so it's a bit tarantula Like, if something was horsey Horsily? I'm not a horse, but I look a bit horsey.
It's a spider that's tarantulalerily.
OK, tarantula-y.
Do you think he's bluffing, Aisling? I do think he's bluffing, James.
So you think you have the spider in your box? If you'll pardon that expression.
I don't think it's a spider.
I don't even think it's a goddamn spider, Jimmy.
I don't even think God, it's like Madame Tussauds! Erm APPLAUSE Put your hand in the box if there's a spider in there.
You do not have to put your hand in the box.
Put your hand in the box, Rob.
I don't have to put my hand in the box.
Ugh! Daddy said so.
You're being so Daddy said! Dad said that I don't have to put my hand in the box.
I'm not his real dad but I don't know how to tell him.
I have fucked his mum.
Wow.
I'm surprised you can say that to someone at work.
Imagine that you worked in a Post Office.
But I can There's a spider in it.
I've told you from the start.
So does he have an animal in there? Do you want to swap boxes or do you want to keep your box? Can I have your box, please, Rob? OK, swap round.
OK, all right So, Aisling, you're allowed to look in your box and if there's a pet in it, then you win.
OK.
You think there is an animal in there? Have a little look.
I do.
Lift that up and have a look inside.
Yes! Yes! There's a spider in there! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Uh, uh, uh! Uh, uh, uh, uh! The good news is you'veyou've won a spider.
So you get the point there, Aisling.
Congratulations.
That's the end of this part.
I'll see you after the break.
APPLAUSE Well played.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is - is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Go outside for a nice wank.
Sorry, I mean walk.
No, I don't, I mean wank.
You could do both.
What you have to go outside? Oh, it's lovely to get some fresh air.
Rob? It don't take much for me to cheer up.
A good bit of parking.
Like when you get a space right outside? Oh, yeah, or you just, you know, get in a little gap.
Or reverse part.
Yeah, if I reverse park and I nail it, I do slightly go, "Come on".
And I can't frown.
I don't have the muscles for it, so I'm always cheery.
It's the way I am.
You've got whatever the opposite of resting bitch face is.
Yes.
So, basically, what happens is, I try and do it but the bottom bit comes up.
Go on, try and look depressed.
Sort of looks like you're having a wank outside.
How do you cheer yourself up, Finn? Farting in a hot tub.
I am literally swimming in alibis.
You can't touch me.
Toff, what do you do to cheer yourself up? Oh, I like a bit of Radio 4.
Preferably the gardening Q&A.
It's quite relaxing.
And I'm partial to a sausage roll and a nice bun.
Sausage roll and a nice bun? Well, yeah, sausage roll for the main, ice bun for pud.
Delightful.
Like a Greggs two-course meal.
Cheers me right up.
Do you go Greggs? I do, actually.
I know, surprisingly so.
Was that the day you went on like a working-class safari and you were like, "Hello"? "Look what they do, Mummy! "They're all wrapped up in like pastry, or something.
" What sort of foods did you grow up eating? Yeah, did you ever have a Findus crispy pancake? Or a Pop-Tart, yeah.
Did your whole dinner ever come out of the toaster? I think you're imagining me growing up in a castle.
It definitely wasn't like that.
I don't know what gives us that impression.
Could be the name Toff, I suppose.
What do you do to cheer yourself up, Aisling? Swimming with dolphins is always a good one.
But I will say, ring ahead to the leisure centre to make sure you're allowed to bring them.
What do I do to cheer myself up? Hang around with friends.
Oh, I like you.
That's lovely.
We've never met before, but, that's lovely.
I go on YouTube and I find clips of Antiques Roadshow when a rich woman has brought a painting on she thinks is worth loads and they tell her it's worth fuck all.
Mwa! Very good.
Yes, please.
That's a nice moment.
So nice.
What about you, Kerry, what do you do? Sometimes I've a look at Facebook, at an ex, and look into his eyeballs and think, "You were a prick, I'm glad I'm not with you any more.
" OK.
Cheer up, everyone.
What else do you do to cheer yourself up? Salisbury Cathedral.
Lovely spot.
That or MDMA, that's what I do.
Or mix the two.
Oh, choice! A bit of jam on toast.
You're a very simple creature.
I've never had the hump eating jam on toast.
Have you? What type of fruit? Oh, Strawberry.
Oh, raspberry, blackcurrant, marmalade? What do you think I am, my nan?! OK, best way to cheer yourself up, what do you think? It will be love, won't it? Something to do with love.
Have sex is number four.
Oh, like, then, finish yourself off should be number two.
You've already got it, Aisling.
You got it right.
The best way to cheer yourself up as a night out with your friends.
Aww! To cheer myself up, I sometimes look at the list of the 100 sexiest men.
I came number four - all over a topless photo of Ryan Gosling.
OK, last question.
What do you think? The fact that your friends are there and you've got to cook.
Nothing better than a takeaway on your own, personally.
What do you think, Aisling? Worst thing about cooking with your friends I'd say it's like their dietary requirements.
Like, I have this thing with my friends where, like, my friend Rachel, she's a bit finicky about food.
And then Monica used to be a chef, so she gets really involved.
And Chandler always has something sarcastic to say.
The worst is when you chop up a chilli and then go for a piss.
There's no pain like it.
It comes in waves.
What about you, what's the worst thing about cooking for your friends? Having to wear a bra while I eat.
You're at home.
It's my house! Have you got a term for? In our house, it is free-boobing.
# Because I'm free Free-boobing I had three there for some reason, I don't know why.
I was so relaxed, the middle one dropped.
Fin, what's the worst thing about cooking for your friends? Gluten intolerance.
If the cure for your diseases in an aisle in Waitrose, it is not a disease.
This might interest you as a fact.
Do you know it is possible to be gluten-free and shut the fuck up? Do you cook for people, Toff? Do you ever cook? Yeah, I do.
I'm not the best cook, so I think what I don't enjoy is the lying that I have to do, because I deliver in the food and then decant it into the bowl.
Decanting! You're so great.
When you decant it, do you mess it up a bit to go, "Oh, I made a mistake"? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, you can't look too perfect.
Very clever.
It also makes you not enjoy the evening, so I just feel like a big fat liar.
We've had to do middle-class dinner parties, because of my wife.
And it is the worst part - sort of sitting there and resisting the urge to rip out everyone's throat and scream, "What have I become?!" It's like a Ken Loach film.
I mean, my friends are animals.
Sometimes, I just lob a lump of meat in the garden and let them fight over it.
Come on, let's get some answers on this.
Doing the dishes, that's my guess.
That is the exact right answer.
Is it?! Oh, well done.
Yes, the worst thing about cooking for friends is washing up after.
I bought a dishwasher recently, but it's always breaking down, because I won't let it go back to Thailand to visit her kids.
KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are Rob, Toff and Fin have two points, but the winners - Aisling, Kiri and Kerry, with five points.
Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!