8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e01 Episode Script

Richard Osman, Tom Allen, Sophie Duker, Sophie Hermann

This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats .
.
he's as smart as he looks, it's Tom Allen.
Born in Germany, made in Chelsea, it's Sophie Hermann.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain And facing them tonight, the man with all the answers, it's Richard Osman.
Stand up gal, it's Sophie Duker.
And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr.
Hey! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, the average amount of money left by the tooth fairy is 88p? And that's because she was made bankrupt by Rob Beckett.
Yeah, we're going in early.
One in five Brits never carry cash.
I'm 100% contactless.
And by that I mean, lonely.
AUDIENCE AWWS They're quite easy to manipulate, aren't they? Hoovering typically burns around 50 calories.
Which begs the question, why is your mum so fat? Is it cos your house is filthy? Just like your mum? Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round this week, it's our panellists' job to get the most talked about people of the last year.
Rob's team, who do you think the nation have been talking about? Greta.
- Thunberg.
Thunberg, the old Thunberg.
- Head of climate change.
She's sort of in charge of climate change.
She's passionate about saving the world.
Take a look at this inspiring clip of her at the UN.
How dare you.
You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words.
We are in the beginning of a mass extinction and all you can talk about is the money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth.
- How dare you.
- APPLAUSE I mean, she's right.
She's absolutely right, but it is her bedtime, so LAUGHTER She's giving young people very dangerous ideas.
You saw that iconic speech.
Even my daughter will pull that out now for anything.
Just like, "How dare you! You've stolen my childhood, "you've stolen my dreams.
" Like, I changed the Wi-Fi code, is what happened.
I said you can't have Instagram, that's all.
I bet her recycling is absolutely on point.
I reckon she rinses out the peanut butter jar.
That is a tough job.
"Who bought crunchy? Are you mad?!" You need to get the jet wash out for that.
Marmite! I don't even eat it now, cos of it.
The thing is you try and do stuff that you can't do.
Like now we have these bottles, now, don't we? The, like, reusable bottles, everyone's got one of these, rather than plastic bottles.
- I've got so many of them those.
- Yes.
- I have hundreds.
- Hundreds of them.
LAUGHTER This one's made in China.
- I hoped they walked it over here.
- LAUGHTER You know what? You know what? I haven't got any kids, I say torch the place.
- It's so annoyed politicians.
- Ohh.
- People went off at the deep end.
And a lot of, like, middle-aged, white men, I think, got very angry.
Anyone that looked like gammon was livid.
They, sort of, knew she was right, - as well, so they had to just go for her.
- Well, and yeah, you know, you heard that people said, "Whenever she comes on, "I turn off the television," which is, of course, exactly what she wants.
Outspoken women have been angering men like this since the beginning of time.
Like, she's the human equivalent of leaving the landing light on.
I haven't seen men of that calibre that angry since - Jeremy Clarkson left Top Gear.
- LAUGHTER What do you think of Greta? Do you like her? I do like her, especially the fact that she's, like, at least 500 years old by now.
I love it.
- There is a theory she's a time traveller, because there's - This picture .
.
there's a still photo of her, can we have a look at this photo? It does look remarkably like her.
- Ohh.
- It's something, isn't it? Are you really subscribing to this? I'm obsessed with this, I watched the show Ancient Aliens - religiously and I - When you say religiously, - you mean without really thinking about it? - Yeah.
- It's very impressive what she's doing at 16.
- Yeah.
At 16what was Iwanking and eating Rustlers, mainly.
LAUGHTER I think it's great that she's, like, a young hero.
But I worry that she's not getting, like, a normal, like, childhood, - like the normal teen experiences.
- But if you remember your teenage years, do you really, you want that to happen to her? That's the problem for Greta, though, when you've done all this stuff by 16.
She's an incredible woman.
How's she going to rebel? Where is she going to go and rebel? She'll start off by going, "I'm just going to put the cardboard into the red recycling bin" Within a year, she'll be having a hog roast with Richard Branson.
That's the only place she's got to go.
Problem is I agree with everything she says.
When she was doing that speech there, everything I agreed, but I don't know what it is, whenever she speaks, I'm like, "Oh, fuck off a bit, will you?" I'm trying! Well, I can tell you that Greta is not one of the most talked about people of the last year, but Greta has totally changed my perspective on climate change.
I've gone from not caring at all, to pretending to care while people are around.
Thanks, Greta.
LAUGHTER OK, Katherine's team, who do you think people have been talking about over the last 12 months? Oh, it's got to be Boris Johnson.
He lies and cheats more than a Kardashian's baby's father.
More people like Boris Johnson than the other one.
It is a bit like a popularity contest between Prince Andrew and Piers Morgan.
ButI've decided I'm going to be right wing now.
Very right wing.
- You would suit being very right wing.
- I look right wing.
I look like the kind of white woman who would call the police on a child's lemonade stand, I do.
Just like, "Go home!" You'd be great on Fox News.
Thank you! And fuck you.
Do you like our new glorious leader? He's got a lot of kids, hasn't he? Aeven he doesn't know quite how many.
He sayshe says, "I want to keep them anonymous.
" But that entire family, Boris's dad, the brother, they all look exactly the same.
There is not a single primary school in south London where the teacher's not going, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" LAUGHTER Well, Rich, look no further.
LAUGHTER I only found out recently that his full name it's Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
He's a man with more middle names than morals.
He pretends to be bumbling, but he's really sinister.
Like when he did the love actually thing, where he went to that woman's door and knocked and was like, "Please vote for me, "I'm a good guy.
" I was like, if Love Actually was like a Tory Love Actually, like a Brexit Love Actually, it would be terrible.
It'd be like that first scene at the airport, where everyone's crying, but instead of arrivals, it's departures.
Sajid Javid would have this maid that learned English for eight months, and then he'd still deport her.
Boris he's so posh he sounds like an old motorbike.
- But then when he talks he's - MIMICS OLD ENGINE Like father, like son.
- I bet he's quality on a stag do, though, don't you? - Yeah.
Boris turns up, here we go.
Come on, dicks out, pants down.
Come on, lads.
A game on my stag do, which my dad made us do, which was called flip cup, dicks out.
Where, you know, have you ever played flip cup? Where you get a cup on the edge of the table - and you do that and you have to land it down on the top like that.
- Right.
Basically, if your team lost the race, you had to get your dicks out, and then you had to go down this slide in the swimming pool - with your dick out.
- You had a swimming pool? - Yeah.
- What are you doing at Centre Parcs with your dick out? Playing flip cup, dicks out.
- Flip cup, dicks out.
- And then, my dad won and he still got his dick out and jumped in the pool.
Oh, my God.
You saw your dad's penis? It was cold, so not really.
I cannot believe you've seen Boris Johnson's penis.
Now, one of the campaign highlights from the general election was an excruciating party political broadcast, where, sort of, Boris Johnson walked around getting asked questions.
- Oh, yeah.
- T-take a look at this.
- Hey, Boris.
You all right? - I'm good.
How are you? When was the last time you cooked and what did you make? Uh How are you? Nice to see you.
What would you say to someone who's wondering who to vote for - in this election? - I would say it is a very, very simple choice.
You can either go with Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party and be in no doubt that if you vote for any other of the minor parties, you will end up with a coalition of chaos, with Jeremy Corbyn at the lead, at the head.
And that will not only be an economic catastrophe for this country, it will also be a political disaster.
Disaster.
APPLAUSE I don't know why you're applauding now.
I mean I think they're applauding to see he went the whole thing without getting someone pregnant.
So, fair play to him.
And he saw an Asian man and wasn't racist.
- He really did.
He really - Was that a cockney interviewer, as well? IN COCKNEY ACCENT: How'd you start the day, then, Boris? An old cockney who works in service and interviews him.
How'd it go, all right? Well, it's easy for us to, kind of, sit here and scorn him, but it's not easy doing one of those walk and talks.
Tom, do you reckon you'd be able to do any better? Probably, yeah.
I'm very good at both those things.
LAUGHTER Will you give it a go? I imagine you'll end up in politics.
We've got it set-up around the side, so you can just do the walk - and talk.
- All right.
Well, I'll have a go.
- I'll ask you some questions.
All right, all right, fine.
OK.
- I'll go this way.
- Sure.
Sure, OK.
Don't get anyone pregnant.
LAUGHTER Hey, Tom, you all right? Oh, how dare you address me like that.
IN DEEP COCKNEY VOICE: How'd you typically start your day? I usually start my day, uh, with a cup of coffee brought to me by your dad, and then he thanks me.
You can't just walk through here.
Excuse me, we're filming.
Excuse me, I just have to make a cup of tea.
Oh, is there any Lapsong Souchong? No.
OK.
It's a spoon.
Oh, it's soI'm so normal.
I know just how to make tea, look at me.
Ohh.
Look, I'm so normal.
- LAUGHTER - Ohh! Look! Oh! Woo! Oh, there we go.
Cheers, everybody.
Tom Allen, everyone.
Cheers.
Of course, the controversy, really, was he put milk in the tea, - before he put the water in.
- Yes.
Like a goddamn lunatic.
When do you put the milk in and when you can't? When do you put it in? So obviously, first the tea.
Then you dip in and out, in and out.
With the PG Tips, obviously, they're very giving, no? - So, you put them in - It's a very giving bag.
.
.
it's a very giving bag.
You can have another brew in that, as well.
I'll be honest, if this was war-time, I think I would have identified the spy by now.
Very giving, no? I'm just making a cup of tea, like a regular person, yeah, mm.
Let's have a look and see if he's up there.
- Of course he is, dirty bastard.
- Yeah.
Yes, Boris Johnson.
In with a bullet.
Forest gave the Conservatives their biggest ever majority, which was lucky, because if there's one thing the Conservatives can't stand, it's minorities.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most talked-about people.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Is it, er, Prince Andrew? Prince Andrew? He's been in the news.
- He's been in the news a little bit, yeah.
- He's been knocking about.
Because of the controversy, he's retired from public duties.
I don't know what he actually did - apart from walk around parks with paedos.
- Yeah.
The whole way through that interview was extraordinary.
He had all the misplaced confidence of a lettings agent on episode one of The Apprentice.
I bet beforehand he told his press secretary, "I'll smash this.
Absolutely going to smash it.
" I genuinely I think afterwards he thought it was fine.
- Should we have a look at a couple of clips here? - Yes, please.
Get ready to clench everything.
Do you remember dancing at Tramp? No.
That couldn't have happened because the date that is being suggested, I was at home with the children.
I was with the children, I'd taken Beatrice to a Pizza Express in Woking.
Why would you remember that so specifically? Why would you remember a Pizza Express birthday and being at home? Because going to Pizza Express in Woking is an unusual thing for me to do.
A very unusual thing for me to do.
I've never been I've only been to Woking a couple of times and I remember it weirdly distinctly.
As soon as somebody reminded me of it, I went, "Oh, yes, I remember that.
" Case dismissed! I think his daughters are just innocent victims, cos imagine.
I've got an embarrassing dad.
You got You know, when your dad Just an embarrassing dad? Yeah, Flip Cup Dicks Out dad.
I would be so gutted as well because, like, he was just like, "It was very unusual - "I was at home with the children.
" The one time - Which children? - .
.
he drove you to a birthday party was cos he needed an alibi.
- Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Aw! In his defence, Woking Pizza Express IS quality.
They've got, like, the oven in the middle, it's a great vibe.
The toilets are quality.
Watching it, it did look like such a car crash.
The whole interview.
- Yeah.
- And I just thought, like, imagine being in that family and your dad has literally turned a car over that year and that's still not the biggest car crash in the family.
What is it with the royals about not shaving off that last bit of bum fluff on their head? They never commit, do they? To that tiny Like, William's got it.
- It looks like an arse.
- Just shave it.
Just shave it, I say.
It kind of reminds me of I've got a naked cat.
What? I thinkI think you mean to say, - "Shaved pussy.
" - No, no, darling.
- Anyway, he's a Sphynx cat.
- You've got a Sphynx cat? - Yeah.
- They're totally hairless cats? - Totally hairless.
- I'm obsessed by them.
- Really? - They're amazing.
- His name is Mr Chow and once I brought him into a cattery, I picked him up two weeks later over Christmas and he came back with a Prince Andrew-like peach fuzz all over him.
I had to, like, wax him down.
- Shower - Wax him?! - Yeah, it was awful.
- So, the cat that you had - The cat was freezing.
And, basically, the animal instinct made him develop peach fuzz, just like Prince Andrew.
- So, a bald cat grew some hair - Yeah! - .
.
clearly doing really well.
And then you got it home and went, "Yeah, better wax that.
" I mean, it was a bit of scotch tape.
It wasn't a real wax.
I mean, that's one of the worst assaults on young pussies that we've allegedly discussed this round.
Well, I can tell you, Prince Andrew was not one of the most talked-about people of the last year, but the biggest unanswered question of the Epstein scandal is how did paedophiles with dirt on the royal family get so good at killing themselves? Turns out the Grand Old Duke of York had 10,000 Punchline redacted for legal reasons.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Two more to get.
BUZZER Go on, who buzzed it? Is it the other royals, Hazza and Mazza? Meghan Markle? Meghan Markle has been in the news a lot.
Go on, what do you make of Meghan Markle? Iurgh I find Meghan Markle fascinating cos she's a woman with the body of a goddess but the name of a minor Harry Potter character.
- But I think that - Meghan Markle But is she Gryffindor or Slytherin? Oh, I think I think they're both Gryffindor.
I think they're, like, the most relatable as a couple, the most relatable royals, because neither of them has been accused of being a racist or a nonce .
.
recently.
- At time of recording.
- At time of recording! Harry's, like, the number two popular royal right after the Queen.
You can dress as a Nazi and still be the second most popular royal in that family.
I think it's because everyone thinks he's, like It's cheeky, like - it's like if he drinks too much, it's cheeky.
If he dresses as a Nazi, it's cheeky.
He marries a woman of African-American heritage, they're like, "Ooh, cheeky-cheeky-cheeky!" It would've been way more romantic if she just said, "Yes, I targeted him from a young age.
"Like, I watched the funeral, I saw him walking behind that coffin "and I thought, "That ass, though.
" You know?" Did you have a thing with Prince Harry? - Absolutely not, no.
- I thought you tried to climb that.
I mean, all of these nights I spent in Mahiki, what a waste.
- Should have been in Pizza Express in Woking.
- I know! Damn it! I would have gone for a young William.
You would have gone for the future king? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All of your royals are already German, so - Yes.
- Apart from Meghan, so I might as well mince in.
FAUX GERMAN ACCENT: I might as well mince in.
You know, like people don't say.
I'll just mince in, you know, to the royal family, you know.
I'm just like one of them.
I wonder, was Meghan Markle's life better before she was in the royal family? - Her life was definitely better.
- Because it feels like the press have turned on her for not showing us pictures of the baby, day one.
- It's horrible.
- She gets treated so badly.
I mean, like, on Remembrance Sunday and stuff, they made out she didn't put the wreath down right.
I mean, she didn't do anything wrong as far as I could tell.
It wasn't like she was Hula Hooping with the wreath! You're going to remember this! Yeah! And she did the interview and someone said, "How are you?" And she just responds as a normal human being and says, "Oh, thank you for asking.
"Actually, I haven't been asked that very much.
" And people are like, "Oh, who does she think she is?!" To be fair, they were in South Africa with a four-month-old.
What a holiday that is.
Do me a favour! You don't take a four-month-old to Dorset, never mind South Africa! 12-hour flight and the jabs? No wonder you're stressed! I'd be furious! They love, as well, to sort of stir up this thing about this rivalry - between Meghan and Harry and William and Kate, don't they? - Yeah.
And you just go, "Well, you don't know if that's true.
" I mean, all families have that kind of cousin thing, don't they? "Can you believe it? Your cousins.
"They're going to go to South Africa for their holiday this year.
"Oh, I mean, I like her, but she takes the piss, don't she? "And you know there's gonna be all them pictures on Facebook.
"'Is it my legs or is it hot dog sausages?'" You know, maybe there's a bit of that but I don't I don't know, I just think they're just going for them - for the sake of it.
- No.
- The British press hate her for one reason and one reason only.
She took the only viable ginger cock off the market.
OK, well, let's see if Meghan Markle is up there.
Yes, it's Meghan Markle! AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Meghan Markle has unfairly got a reputation for being a bit of a diva, but royal insiders say she's only ever made one demand .
.
don't leave her alone with Prince Andrew.
We're talking about royalty.
Time for a quick royal bonus round.
Rob, Katherine, come join me in the middle to play What Colour Hat Is The Queen Wearing? ANNOUNCER: What Colour Hat Is The Queen Wearing? OK, so the rules are simple.
You've just got to tell me, what colour hat is the Queen wearing? OK, so what ANNOUNCER: What Colour Hat Is The Queen Wearing? OK.
Can I get some dramatic lighting, please? OK, let's play What Colour Hat Is The Queen Wearing? - Rob, you're first.
Take a look at this picture.
- Yeah.
What colour hat is the Queen wearing? - What you going to go with? - I'd say black.
Erm You think she's wearing a black hat? Yeah.
What kind of lunatic is going to add another colour palette to that purple monstrosity? Looks like a Quality Street that's escaped.
Well, I can tell you - .
.
full Quality Street! She went purple.
- Whoa! - Whoa! I think that was the week Prince died.
Actually, guys, I don't see colour.
I don't even know if that's a man or a woman - that's a person to me.
OK, Katherine, this is you.
What colour hat is the Queen wearing? Oh, gosh! Eurgh! I really needed to get this right.
So, I think she's wearing, like, maybe a green? You think a green hat with that outfit? Let's have a look.
Incorrect.
Well, why is it always the same?! - Rob? - Yeah.
- OK.
- I get the vibe now.
- Let's get this.
You got it? - Yellow! Let's do this! It's yellow.
- You think yellow - Yes! - Oh! APPLAUSE AND CHEERS - Rob scores! - Yes! Thank you.
Whoa! Listen to the crowds! Fool me once, don't fucking fool me again! That's the saying, innit? OK, next one.
- What do you think, Katherine? - I think it's blue.
- I think it's blue.
- You think it's blue? - Yeah, I think it's blue.
- Blue hat, OK, let's have a look.
- Yeah! - It's 1-1.
- Wooo! - 1-1.
- It's neck and neck, everybody.
It's neck and neck.
- Oh, my God.
This is a great game.
OK, next one.
What colour hat is the Queen wearing? She's drinking white wine So we know it's before noon.
Yeah.
She might be a bit pissed up.
Might be a bandana or something.
I think grey.
- Ooh! - OK, let's have a look.
- A light grey.
- Oh, yes! - That is grey.
That is grey, so I'll give you that.
Like, I'm actually getting emotional and I want to play this game - at Christmas.
- That's a stitch-up, that, though.
- I'll give you the point, that was grey.
- I don't care about the point! It's not right! "Oh, we're not going to put a hat in "cos I'm fucking wacky!" - You win! You win! - Here we go OK, what do you think? - A pink hat.
- Pink?! - Pink?! Wait a minute, wait! Like, yellow or pink.
- Hang on - She'd look like a Battenberg.
- No, she wouldn't.
- Wait a minute! - She IS a Battenberg.
Changed the family name to Windsor when the war started.
No, OK, oh, my gosh.
- Quick as you can.
- Eurgh! White.
You think a white hat.
- Incorrect.
We're going quickfire, now.
- I'm going on my gut! White.
Green! Green-white! Uh, green! Let's have a look.
BANDANA! - Oh, they're over.
- NO! OK, next one.
What colour? Didn't know Terry's Chocolate Orange would turn up.
Black.
You think black? - Orange.
- OK, let's go.
Black or orange? - SHIT! - YES! - Who said orange? - Me! - Me! - You said it? - It was me! - Who said orange? - I said orange! - AUDIENCE: Rob! - Thank you.
I should fucking pay attention.
All right, what colour? - That is, erm - Blue! - .
.
blue-black.
Well, I can tell you .
.
that that's Camilla.
I'd know those boobs anywhere.
FOGHORN BLARES Rob Beckett is the winner! AUDIENCE APPLAUD Fingers on buzzers, one more to get.
Who else have people been talking about? BUZZER - What do you think? - Donald Trump.
Donald Trump Whatever happened to him? Guy from The Apprentice in America? He's doing all right, isn't he? There's obviously a demand for idiot blonde blokes with massive cocks.
So vote Beckett, yeah? I think that Trump let me down this year, you know? He peaked too soon with the crazy and he just didn't have the momentum and the stamina.
He's getting done, what, for collusion? Like, Bill Clinton got done for getting sucked off by an intern.
That was hot.
Trump could have done a little bit better with his impeachment.
Just regular, boring, collusion.
Underwhelmed.
- Two stars.
- Two stars! One of Trump's highlights of the last year was announcing the death of the ISIS leader.
Take a look at his very statesman-like address.
Last night, the United States brought the world's number one terrorist leader to justice.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead.
He died like a dog.
He died like a coward.
The world is now a much safer place.
God bless America.
Thank you.
I mean, I'm now on al-Baghdadi's side.
- Yeah! - I'm watching that going, "I don't know, how bad could this guy fucking be?" How many times did his advisors have to teach him to say, "Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi?" Can you imagine how long that took? They had him for months.
Are you ready? We can shoot him.
Are you ready? Are you ready to put him down? Sophie, I'm guessing you're not a huge Trump fan.
That's my guess.
I'm not a huge Trump fan but I do like the drama that he has with literally everyone else on the globe.
So, like, Greta Thunberg, also Justin Trudeau.
When he was here for NATO, he was like, "I don't like Justin Trudeau.
"He's two-faced.
" Which is actually accurate because Justin Trudeau has two faces - his white face and his black face.
I think Trump's holding back.
I think, like, going into his third term, he's going to show, like, it's going to be like Return Of The King.
He's going to come back with a whole undead army, like lots of crazy racist pensioners.
There is talk about a third term because he's already saying, "Oh, we should change the rules.
" He's not going to serve a second term.
That's the good news, Trump.
I tell you that.
But it's gonna be terrifying if he does lose.
He's not going to be a good loser.
The key thing is, when he does lose at the end of next year, we must, must, must tell him he's won.
It's going to be a nightmare if he knows he's lost.
We'll stick him in Mar-a-Lago.
He can just be there.
He can keep tweeting.
We keep going, "Oh, I'm furious with you, Mr President.
" We just all keep it up.
You can do eight years, it can be 12 years down there.
Just never tell him he's lost.
What do you make of Donald Trump? I have to say, he's not my favourite.
I also think Do you know that picture that he tweeted of himself where he put the head of him on Rocky Balboa? - Oh, yeah, I've got that.
Yeah.
- Do you have that? - No, I've got the poster of that in my bedroom.
- It's one of my favourites.
- Yeah, he did that.
- I think he uses the same on his Ukrainian Tinder, actually.
I tell you what, he's, like, not bad in the face, is he, really? Put him on a good body and he's all right.
There, look.
If I was a 70-year-old woman, I'd suck him off.
If you were a 70-year-old woman, you'd suck him off? - Well, he's 70, ain't he? - Oh, I see what you mean.
I'm saying if I was a young 22-year-old girl, I'd probably leave it.
But a 70-year-old with a body like that?! You're going in! I don't think he's gone near someone his own age for many, many, many years.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Well, I'll change that, baby.
You know when you say something and you regret it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
Well, let's have a look and see if he's up there.
Yes, it's Donald Trump.
Last year, the Mueller Report cleared Trump of collusion with Russia, which was great news for Trump and even better news for his boss, Putin.
73-year-old Donald Trump is up for re-election later this year.
It's not something I thought I'd find myself saying, but come on, prostate cancer! So, those were the most talked-about people of the past year.
But let's not forget Stormzy! At Glastonbury, thousands of working-class people saw Stormzy wearing a stab-proof vest and thought, "What a powerful message.
" And thousands of middle-class people saw Stormzy wearing a stab proof vest and thought, "What a beautiful gilet.
" John Bercow.
As speaker, John Bercow was meant to be impartial, but he took more sides than your mum ordering a Nando's.
Jeremy Corbyn.
Jeremy Corbyn was accused of racism.
But let's be clear, the only thing Jeremy Corbyn hates more than anti-Semitism is apologising to Jews.
So, at the end of that round, Rob, Richard and Sophie have two points.
Katherine, Sophie and Tom have two points! AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER That's it for part two - see you after the break! Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Tom, Sophie, what do you like to look of? What about the geezer with the top hat? Geezer with the top hat, OK.
Here is your related question.
Oh, is this basically asking people if they trust Rob more than me? LAUGHTER Like, for me, a pony is something you might ride, but, for Rob, a pony is something that somebody might owe him in money.
LAUGHTER I think Rob would still ride it.
Rob would charge you to ride it at the beach.
But Tom and Rob, didn't you guys go to the same school? BOTH: Yes.
He's a He's a fraud.
No-one spoke like that at our school apart from you.
Apart from me.
And look at me now.
You're on the same show as him.
LAUGHTER What do you think? Cos you've got you've got a As long as it's German and posh, I'm all for it.
And I'll believe anything.
We just don't haveevery Canadian person has the same accent.
And we're a huge country.
But, here, you do this weird thing.
Like, even Scottish people, if they're posh, sound like Tom.
If you're from Birmingham, but you're posh, you sound like Tom again.
And I just don't understand Does HMRC just send you a letter, with your tax band being, like, "Oh, good news, you get to talk this way for a year.
" Like, I don't LAUGHTER The thing about Britain is it's to try and explain to people, like, the idea that you go 20 miles and people have got - a totally different accent.
- Yes.
- It's sort of incredible, whereas But America and Canada are both newer countries, so I'm sure there are different accents there, but those are the native people's that you killed.
I didn't kill them! You didn't save 'em.
- True.
- Sophie, what do you what do you make of the accent? Well, I was going to say that in North America, people always give me the same compliment, which I find very coded.
They always say that I'm well-spoken.
They're, like, "Oh, you're so well-spoken.
" And I think that people in North America think that black women just shoot out of the womb with a vocabulary - completely made up of sassy grunts and Bibles verses.
- Yeah.
We say things like IN ACCENT: Mm, and child and Lord Jesus.
I think you trust the posh accent, but you don't necessarily trust the like morally bankrupt person that is attached to it.
Don't look directly at me as you say Rich, I mean, we're a very sort of class-conscious country.
It's just one of those things, isn't it? What do you think? Well, I think that's right.
I mean, I listenwhat Katherine's saying is right.
All of my family, all of my family talk like Rob, apart from my mum, who talks like the Queen, because she wouldn't talk like the rest of the family.
So, now, I sound exactly like a cross between Rob and the Queen.
That's how I speak.
If the two of you mated, your child would talk like me.
I'm keen to find out.
- Talk about a miracle baby.
- Yeah.
Pop the Queen's head on Adrian from Rocky's body, I'm ready to go.
So, then, are there people like your mum, who chooses to talk that way? My mum chose to speak differently so she was able to better herself, which is what you would do in the '60s.
People slum down their accents these days.
That's the truth.
People will try and talk a bit more like Rob, believe it or not.
Whereas in the '70s, everyone tried to talk a little bit posh, if they weren't posh.
So, you guys are walking around like just doing accents.
Yeah.
So, what do you think? Let's get some answers on this.
Most people are more likely to trust someone with a posh accent.
True or false, Rob? Oh, I thinklike, telephone voice, isn't it? - Isn't that true? - Yes.
- People do put it on, - especially strangers.
So, true.
- Yeah.
When I pick up the phone, I have to put on your voice.
But, yeah.
"All right?! - "What?" - You've got to stop picking up the phone in my house, when I'm not there.
OK.
So, they say true.
What are you going to say? - Let's go false, shall we? - False.
We say false.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the answer is.
.
- .
.
false.
- ALL: Yes! - Well done, Richard.
Only 27% of people would be more likely to trust someone with a posh accent.
People have different accents in different places in the country.
People from Liverpool have a Scouse accent, people from Newcastle have a Geordie accent, whereas I speak properly.
LAUGHTER OK, so the end of that round, it's two points to Rob's team and three points for Katherine's team.
AUDIENCE CHEERS And The Winner Is, is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER Is that we have to do, buzz in? What, when you're single? Yeah, I'd say so.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I was in a restaurant and the very handsome waiter came up to me and said, "Are you single?" And I said, "Yes.
" And with that, he took the other chair away.
Oh, no, Tom.
Aw! You can now self-partner.
This is the new thing.
- It's what Emma Watson said, right? - Yeah.
Emma Watson said, "I'm going to self-partner.
" You can't really do that when you're married.
- It's, like, in the shower, if you're quick.
- Yeah.
Self-partnering is an unfortunate phrase cos I know what she means.
She's going, "I'm enough.
I don't need to be in a relationship.
" But it sounds like she's fiddling around in her Chamber Of Secrets, doesn't it? I was going to say, you know, sometimes I walk down the street and, like, I'll see a couple and they'll be wearing the same coat.
And I think to myself, "Well, it would be nice to have somebody "to hate that with.
" - I completely get what you mean.
- Are you single? - I'm currently single and I hate it.
- Do you? I do hate it, but I love to sleep like a giant X in my bed.
- Oh! - You can't do that with someone.
Wouldn't it be amazing, if at the end of this show, - Sophie and Tom got together? - Wouldn't that be amazing? - You never know, right? - That would be so great, girl.
To be honest, if I was going to marry a woman, it probably would be somebody who was like a German heiress.
I think you should consider it, Sophie.
A gay husband would be fab.
- I think that would be fucking amazing.
- Thank you.
- I think that's the secret to happiness.
- So Is it having more time to spend on your hobbies? - Hobbies.
- Related to that, having more time.
Having sex with lots of other people? Which is also one of my hobbies.
LAUGHTER Have you ever applied for a regular job? With the hobbies and interests, "Well, I'll tell you what I like to do.
"I like fucking.
" Do you know, what I miss about being single is that when you're single, I alone would decide if there's a chill in the room .
.
and not sit there in football shorts sweating, as the heating got turned up again.
The great innovation in our relationship was the duvet, where you can get different togs on different sides.
That's, like, that's what saved us.
Hey, isn't there a European thing, where each side has a different duvet? In Germany, we have separate duvets.
- I think that's the future.
- So efficient.
I was like, "What is this? One giant? "I don't want to share that.
" - It's mine.
- I think the secret is a king-sized bed.
- I've got a super king - Definitely.
- I can barely hear her breathe.
LAUGHTER Is it not very uncomfortable sleeping next to somebody all the time? Do you not get Does it not get on your nerves? Yeah, I hate it.
Because if you do sleep in another room, it makes you look weird.
And, also, if you were creeping for sex, it's like a weird prostitute that lives next door to your house.
Ah, Richie Rich.
You're in a relationship.
The worst thing about being a couple is you have to go out with other couples.
Like, if it's just you, you just go out with your friends, you just choose whoever you want to go out with.
And in a couple, you have to .
.
there's, like, this sort of one-step-removed thing, where you find yourself on an evening, not only with someone who's not really your friend, but is your partner's friend, but then, also, the husband of the person - who's friends with your partner.
- Yeah.
And that can be awful.
And you're aware they're going to be watching this? A certain type of guy knows, right? A certain type of guy, he knows he's boring.
He knows he's there because of his wife.
I get on really well with Rob's wife.
I don't know what you want from me.
She is delightful, isn't she? But that house, so cold.
LAUGHTER - I'll tell you what, though, nice duvet.
- Lovely duvet.
It's also good to be in a relationship with someone who's good at pretending to be ill so you can leave quite early.
That'scos I'm quite bad at pretending to be ill.
But if you're with someone who's good at faking illness, you can literally leave at nine o'clock, if you want to.
So, you just want, like, a Munchausen's girlfriend - A Munchausen's girlfriend - .
.
to bring around.
- .
.
dot com.
"I think have cancer again, let's go.
" OK, so what's the best thing about being single? What do you think? Genuine guesses.
Is it amount of space you've got on your phone cos you don't have take 5,000 pictures of your partner with food? Is it blow jobs are still a possibility? Or you don't have to hear their annoying snoring voices, - noises, sorry.
- Snoring.
- Snoring noises.
They make me so murdery.
I want to kill everyone.
IN GERMAN ACCENT: They make me so murdery.
Oh, I should stop it, I feel a little bit murdery.
My favourite German word is Schatzi.
It means treasure, right? - Yes.
- Danke, Schatzi.
Bitte, Schatzilein.
Schatzi means treasure.
Say, "I'm feeling a bit murdery, Schatzi.
" I'm feeling a bit murdery, Schatzi.
If you want to get going to a party.
"I'm so sorry, I've done a little Schatzi.
" LAUGHTER - You're quite fit, when you do that.
I quite like it.
- Yeah.
I'm feeling weirdly drawn to you right now.
Hm, stop it, you.
Danke, hm.
I think I might be gay in German.
My issue is I can't do a German accent without sounding a little bit like, "Oh, I'm feeling a little bit murdery, hm.
" Perhaps that's what started it all.
Perhaps none of them could.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, and if you're watching this in Germany, it's a comedy show.
Where would we be without a sense of humour? Germany.
OK.
Best thing about being single.
Come on, someone's going to get this.
Being single is good because you're, like, invited more places.
You're an ingenue.
I only got invited to your house to play Wink Murder because someone cancelled.
If I was in a couple, I would have been at home - not enjoying a game of - IN ACCENT: Wink Murder.
It was just me and her and she was murdered.
I was feeling very murdery.
I know I shouldn't, but I like it.
LAUGHTER I think I'm just going to do that voice now.
You're so happy, when you do that.
- You come alive.
- And it really matches your laugh, as well.
You're like, "I'm feeling a bit murdery, Schatzi, ha-ha-ha!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sophie, what do you think? General freedom, liberty.
Right answer, freedom.
Yes, the best thing about being single is the freedom, yes.
Freedom to make a microwave biryani meal for one and come on your tummy with a finger up your bum.
That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and The Winner Is, which is the name of our final round.
Here's your question BUZZER Is it negging them? You're supposed to impress them.
Go in and go, "No, I think your shoes are shit.
I hate your company and I don't like the lunchtimes, and the Christmas party was rubbish, and I hate you," and they go, "That person really believes in themselves.
" No, it is not.
Maybe host a good Swabian house - you bring some baked goods, maybe some of them are spiked.
So, you impress your boss by bringing baked goods to the office.
Yeah, a little bit of Christmas cookies.
No-one ever said anything against that, no.
OK.
Have you ever had a real job? No.
I didn't mean that in a barbed way - I just mean, have you ever worked? - What have you done? - As a fashion designer, yes, I had my own company.
As a fashion designer? Yeah, that's a real job.
It's the hardest job in the world.
It's the hardest job in the world? Yes.
Those emergency nurses can fuck off, can't they? What are they thinking? Bah! It's one of the toughest industries in the world.
What was your fashion label called? Sophie Hermann - how creative, I know.
Stop! - Did you design this? - No, don't.
- I wish.
- You wish? - I wish.
- Who designed that? Elisabetta Franchi.
Love him! - Great guy.
- Rich, you used to have a proper job - what? I don't know.
I haven't been a boss for a long time, so I was thinking, "What would impress me?" - What would genuinely impress you? - Break dancing.
Katherine, you've had a few real jobs.
Oh, yes.
I once worked in a nightclub and people gave me drugs.
I didn't understand that to stay awake till daylight, you had to mostly take drugs.
I have never taken drugs.
I didn't understand.
I was like, "They're thirsty.
"They're drinking loads of water.
" Then they started giving me little packets of drugs, and I was like, "Oh!" so then I became, like, a detective, and then I collected all the drugs that were given to me and I was like, "You just wait.
" I put them in a little pot, and at the end of the night I took my cash over to him to leave.
I gave him all the cash, and I was like, "By the way, people are taking drugs in this nightclub," and then I got fired.
And I thought, you know, I was doing justice.
I was great at my job.
I thought my boss would be really impressed.
He knew about the drugs all along.
Oh, it's the last thing you expect in a nightclub, isn't it? Did you sell them later? I was not going to be a drug dealer.
That's the hardest job in the world besides fashion design.
So, best way to impress your boss.
It's actually much more everyday than that.
Lick their arse.
Cos if you get to that stage of the interview .
.
they've been impressed.
How would you bring that up in the interview? Would it be like, "Have you got any other questions?" "I'd like to rim you.
" Being on time.
More than that.
- Early! - That's the right answer.
Yes, the best way to impress your boss is to arrive early.
My old boss used to like me to run a tight ship, and, when I say run, I mean wear and, when I say ship, I mean shorts.
KLAXON That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means the final scores are - Rob, Tom and Sophie have three points, Katherine, Sophie and Richard have four points.
- They are tonight's winners! - Yes! Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it.
Goodnight!