8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e02 Episode Script
Joe Swash, Angela Scanlon, Jamali Maddix, Maisie Adam
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Bish Bash Swash - it's Joe Swash.
We're crazy for Maisie - it's Maisie Adam.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, she's the one to watch - it's Angela Scanlon.
Stand-up guy - it's Jamali Maddix.
And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, two thirds of human communication is by gesture, not speech.
Sounds about right.
People are always waving at me.
All right, Jimmy? More than half of Brits enjoy meat substitutes or, as they are more commonly known, dildos.
And 63% of British women say size does matter, so if you're a man with a small penis, little tip - and little shaft, I'd imagine.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
This week, our panellists' job is to guess the British public's top three fears.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation are afraid of? - Snakes, spiders, all that sort of thing.
- You don't like snakes? No, hate snakes.
I can't watch I'm A Celeb cos I just get too scared for them.
It's horrible.
Have you seen that video of Steve Irwin when he's like, "It won't bite me, it won't bite me"? Very calm.
And then out of nowhere, "Sfft!" Yeah, but what ever happened to him? - I don't mind snakes.
The creepy crawlies, I really get.
- Yeah.
Spiders.
JIMMY SHUDDERS People always go like, "Oh, they're more scared of you than you are of them.
" I'm like, "Well, get out of my house, then.
" Would you get the spider, then, if it was in your house? If there was a spider in the bath, could you go and get it? Yeah, depending on size.
Anything above five foot, I'll leave it in there.
I'm not afraid of insects because I live in the UK.
I don't understand this fear of spiders when your spiders have the lowest street cred worldwide of any spider.
Other spiders are like, "Oh, I can paralyse them, "I can poison them, I can kill them.
" What do your spiders do? Piss you off? It's like when you guys complain about snow, the world is laughing.
- Jamali, what about creepy crawlies generally? - No, I'm cool with that.
I've got bigger issues than, like, a spider.
Like, haters and snitches and stuff like that on the agenda.
- Haters, snitches, spiders.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What if there was a spider that's snitched on you? - Oh, yeah.
Then you've got to stamp it out.
- Rule number one.
That's just the code, in't it? - Yeah.
I like how I can get away with saying things, like, "That's just the code," and white people just go, "Oh, yes, fair enough.
" We have centipedes in Canada and I was alone in my flat in a very rough part of Toronto and that's back when I was very young, very small, very Britney, hair-coloured skin, skin-coloured hair and it was two in the morning and there was a centipede on the wall and I knew I couldn't sleep with it there, so I just went outside in little pink hot pants and I asked some gang members if they would come inside and kill the centipede.
And they were lovely.
Really nice guys.
And they killed the centipede and then they left and then they, like, looked at for me and I was always, like, bringing them snacks and things.
Sorry, are you talking about something I've seen on Pornhub? Are you scared of creepy crawlies cos I mean, - you went in the jungle, didn't you? - I'm not scared of creepy crawlies.
- Last year, funnily enough Oh, it's not funny.
- Don't say it, then.
I was doing something and a cockroach ran into my earhole and it stayed in there for three days.
It died in there.
- I went to hospital.
- Was this in the jungle? - In the jungle.
- We did a trial.
It ran down the ear.
- How big are your ears? Honestly, they must just open up like a cave.
The thing is, what you've got in there is a brain.
Whereas his goes straight through.
Anyway, the bug went in and the hospital couldn't get it out the year for three days and literally my party trick - for a little while, I'd do this, and it smelt like death.
- No! - Oh, what a party trick! - Got to have some of that.
I lived in Australia for a year and we had There was quite a big group of us in Sydney and there were cockroaches everywhere in our house and so instead of cleaning the dishes which maybe was an attraction for them, we would just collect all the cups and just put them over the cockroach so that they could stay there underneath the cup and then we would just going about our business, dodging these multiple dozens of cups with dead cockroaches underneath them.
- Sounds like the bottom deck of the Titanic.
- It felt a bit like that.
Yes.
But they weren't smelly.
So I don't know what happened in your ear.
- Mine was dead.
For three days.
- What was the cause of death? I think boredom in there, probably.
What? You know I love you.
OK, let's have a look and see if creepy crawlies are up there.
Yes.
It's a creepy crawlies.
On I'm A Celebrity 2018, Joe Swash was taken to hospital when a cockroach lodged itself in his ear.
"It was one of the worst experiences of my life," said the cockroach.
So not scared of creepy crawlies - what about a rat? I heard rats are pretty smart.
I don't love rodents.
I don't want anything in my house that's uninvited.
Take a look at this guy dealing with a rat in the bathroom but really watch out for the cat.
- No, no.
- Tremendous! "Yeah, I'll bring the cat in there "cos the cat will probably get the rat," and the cat's going, "No.
" - Katherine, what else are the nation afraid of? - Is it death? - What? - Keep it light.
- I think death is a beautiful thing.
You know, it can be a real relief for an Eastern European model wanting to cash in on ten years of sucking cock.
- Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Look at poor Melania Trump.
- Yeah.
She's, like, absolutely overachieved as a gold-digger and weirdly underachieved.
Yeah, if you look at Anna Nicole Smith on the day of her wedding to her 89-year-old husband and then a year later on the day of his funeral, she's a lot happier that day.
That's why I always try to teach young girls who want to gold-dig to go very old.
- Like, if he's still eating solid food, he's too young.
- Yes.
Are you scared of death, Jamali? I nearly died not that long ago when I was in Bangkok - and I got measles and my lungs haemorrhaged.
- What? So I was coughing up blood.
My mum never got me vaccinated.
- You were not vaccinated? - Yeah, this is what happens cos they were saying to me, "Have you been vaccinated?" And I was like, "I don't know.
" I rang my mum and I said, "Mum, did you vaccinate me when I was a kid?" And she goes, "Nah!" So I'm like, you know, "Uh-oh.
" There were four of us and only two of us were vaccinated.
My mum ain't a nice woman, man.
Well, two of your siblings would disagree.
- Scared of death, Maisie? - Yeah, terrified.
- Are you? - Yeah, absolutely terrified, yeah.
- Really? Like, I'll start freaking out if I start talking about it.
Like, once we go, that's it.
You'll be gone.
You.
Everyone.
- Just those two.
- Just them two.
If you're on a plane and there's really bad turbulence - Yeah, oh, I'm a wreck.
- See, I go the other way.
- I go, "All right, then, let's go.
" - Yeah, I'm like that.
I'm all right on planes cos I kind of think it's out of your hands.
- Someone else is in charge of that.
- Hope so.
"Beckett, you're up for an hour.
" "Fucking hell.
" - I'm not afraid of death at all.
- What? Why aren't you scared of death? Because I think the wake situation is quite exciting.
- When I was six, I stayed in a bed with my dead granny.
- What? - Yeah.
- So it was a wake.
- It was awake, well, she's not dead, then.
It's called a wake and so after the person dies, before they go to the church and get buried, you have a wake.
Yeah, we know what a wake is.
OK, well, then, why is this such a surprise to you? Because you said you slept with her.
Sometimes we don't sleep with the corpses, that's the only difference.
- Have you planned your funeral, Joe? - Me? No, of course I haven't.
- I think you should.
You're doing Dancing On Ice.
- Yes.
I'm with Rob, I don't really care when it happens, to be fair.
It'll happen when it happens, do you know what I mean? It feels like you're talking me into some kind of joint suicide.
All right, shall we? Fuck it, why not? I mean, I can't spend too much time thinking about it.
- Let nature take its course.
- Or don't let nature take its course.
That's why I've got a head start on the embalming.
I'm the only one in my family with any money, I've got to pay for the funeral and I'm doing it in instalments.
My face is ready to be buried.
Do you know, sometimes when there's a funeral and people go, "You know what? I don't want it to be sad, "I want it to be a celebration.
" They say that and when you look at one that is a celebration, sometimes not great.
This is why there's no dancing at funerals.
MUSIC PLAYS It's the way they all walk away, like, "Not my problem.
" The walking away is remarkable because one guy stays there and goes, "What have we done?" And the others just walk away like, "Not my fault.
" They got far too cocky cos there was the little bounce and then they started doing this whole trying to get it round their shoulders, like they were going to start doing keepy-ups with it.
- Also, super simple lesson - nail it shut.
- Yeah.
I mean, that's not half as bad if you've nailed that shut.
Nailed it shut.
It's such a horrible term.
Imagine if you worked as a funeral director, "Right, do you want to nail it shut? "Nail it shut.
That's 80 quid.
" If you do nail it shut, you can guarantee that Angela won't climb in and try and hug it.
It's worth it, it's worth it.
Well, let's have a look and see if death is up there.
Yes, it's death.
My nan actually died of a heart attack and I'll never forget it because it was the same day I bought her an air horn.
Now, it's not in the top three but one of the things Brits are most afraid of is rats, so it's time for a bonus round.
Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Is There A Rat Under My Hat? I literally just said that.
Rob, Maisie, Joe, go and get your Is There A Rat Under My Hat hats on.
Katherine, come with me.
Let's play Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Erm Right.
Well, just on facial expressions, I think you can tell who's got a rat under her hat.
I don't want to say that this is going to be slightly - underwhelming as a game.
- It could be a double bluff.
Oh, it could be a double bluff, but it definitely isn't.
Look at her.
Katherine, who's got a rat under their hat? I don't know.
I think I need a lot of time to tell.
Joe, I think what Katherine is trying to say is, could you tell us a little bit about your childhood? Where did you go to primary school? Yes, so I went to a place called Thornhill and then I went to Highburgh Grove and then I went into the acting and yeah - Rob, what's your favourite film? - Demolition Man.
- Demolition Man.
Interesting choice.
Katherine, any further questions before we conclude? - It's interesting because - Step on it, step on it.
I just wanted to tell you guys that Angela was telling me a second ago that if a rat defecates on your head and any of it seeps into your eye, you'll go blind.
Maisie, Maisie, do you like dogs? Cos we might be getting you one.
I love dogs.
Hurry up.
No, seriously, hurry up.
Right, so who do you think has a rat under their hat? - I mean, either she's the actress of a generation - Yeah.
I don't know if Maisie has a rat under her hat.
Because I think this might be a double bluff situation, like, I don't know, Maisie, are you a good actress? No.
And then Joe Swash, he's had cockroaches in his ears, God knows what else.
He's cool as a cucumber, in fact he's been in the jungle - and so has Rob.
- We didn't do none of that in the jungle.
We just tried to do some jokes.
Yeah, I had a skill.
- Not now.
- I'm going to need an answer now.
- I really can't tell.
What do you mean, you can't tell? There has never been a more obvious question in the history of television.
This is like a quiz on This Morning.
- I think it's double bluff too.
- I think it's double bluff.
You see, we don't trust people.
Who do you think has got a rat under their hat? Quick.
- You've got to think.
- I think the rat is in Joe's hat.
- It might be in my hat.
- Because he's never been more Agh! - Look at that.
- Wow! - The greatest ever! - I got you.
- Maisie Adam there! Unbelievable.
OK, so points to Katherine's team.
That's it for this part.
We're going to hose Joe Swash down.
See you after the break.
You can go.
You're done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats where we'll still trying to guess what British people are most afraid of.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob's team.
- Ghosts? - I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
Felt compelled to say that.
- Do you believe in that? - No, I don't.
You do, though, don't you? There's bits of I believe and bits that I don't believe.
Do you believe in ghosts? That bit.
If there was ghosts then it'd be overpopulated.
There'll be ghosts everywhere.
You know a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Such a good point.
"If there ghosts there'd be ghosts fucking everywhere.
"All over the shop.
" But no-one proper, like, clever or successful sees ghosts.
It's never, like, Bill Gates goes, "I saw a ghost the other day.
" It's always, like, Coleen Nolan on Loose Women going, "I was visited by a spirit.
" - Do you believe in this? - Yes, I really believe that there spirits and shit happens that is unexplainable.
Tell me something that's unexplainable - and I'll explain it.
Go ahead.
- OK, so last night I was in bed - Right.
- .
.
and I had a dream I thought I was gonna be murdered by this man who looked like a Ken doll.
He was my Uber driver in the dream.
He kept muttering things to me and he kept telling me about a discussion I just had on the phone.
So I knew that he was in my head, so I woke myself up and my body was freezing cold.
And then I went back to sleep and then I felt a cold breath on my face.
- Have you been paying your bills? - Pardon? Have you been paying your bills? I think the unexplainable, Joe Swash - Might have left the window open.
- Yeah.
OK.
- Jamali, do you believe in ghosts? - No, I don't believe in none of that.
All my family are into all this wacky shit.
My grandma believes in it.
She does all that Luigi board stuff.
Luigi board?! APPLAUSE - All that - Luigi board.
It's like Mario Brothers and a Ouija board.
Is it Ouija board? All sat on a table, green hat on, overalls.
Fag.
Mushroom.
The signs of a haunted house, though, are the smell of decay and rooting food, dodgy electrics.
Like, stuff going missing.
And then apparently people wake up between 3.
00 and 4.
00am with an overwhelming sense of dread.
That's not a haunted house, that's a student house.
Ghosts are very particular about consent.
So, unlike men who are alive, they only reveal themselves to people - who want to see them.
- Yeah.
And even in my house I go round sometimes at night and I know I closed all the cupboards but all the cupboards are open.
Like, I hear strange noises at night and then sometimes I can feel a heavy weight in the night trying to have sex with me.
And then that's when I realise I just got married.
Tell you what, right? I done a ghost documentary years ago and I stayed at this fella's house.
He's an old geezer called Fred.
He lived in this place called the Ram's Inn.
I had to stay there one night and he reckons that there's a certain ghost called an incupus.
- Incubus.
- Incubus.
- Incubus.
It's a ghost that tries to have sex with ya.
- And then there's a succupus.
- Succupus, yeah.
I think that's self-explanatory, that one.
But, yeah, no-one tried to do nothing to me so I was pretty - Insulted! - They weren't interested in me at all.
Creep in and suck off Fred Great prank, Rob, great prank.
"We had a right laugh.
I just sucked Fred off, he thought it was a ghost.
"Quality!" "Lads, lads!" "Lads! "The geezer" Who'snow, Fred?! Rob and Joe Ghost Hunters.
Just going round the country sucking people off in haunted houses.
I can tell you ghosts are not up there or indeed up there.
The thing is, my house is built on a burial site.
I mean, it wasn't when I moved in but now OK, one more to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
What are people scared about? BUZZER Is it losing your phone? There's quite a lot of anxiety around this now.
People really feel like it's an extension of self.
Do you worry - about losing your phone, Joe? - I lose my phone quite a lot.
But for some reason my phones always work their way back to me.
- I'm generally pretty lucky.
- Lucky? Yeah, you got a TV career, look at ya.
Come on.
You git! - I can't help myself.
- If anyone wants his phone number, he gives them his mum's landline.
- Aw.
- Who rung your mum? - Fatima Whitbread.
- She had Brendan from Coach Trip phoning - This is like pantomime Katherine, are you addicted to your phone? No.
I mean, I like my phone.
I use my phone.
I've never lost it.
I turn on everyone I know Find My Friends.
I know their whereabouts.
I've put a GPS on my daughter.
Didn't even tell her.
Quick injection in the back of the neck when they're asleep.
People aren't properly addicted.
It's not the same as proper addiction.
If you was addicted to your phone you'd be, like, sat on a piss-stained mattress at Kings Cross sucking someone off for a two-minute scroll of Instagram.
The Ghost Hunters are back with a phone.
I wanna refresh Twitter.
Just three clips on YouTube.
The blowjobs are getting worse.
I can't wait till you two go broke and have to make a sex tape.
The saddest thing ever.
- If I ever did do a blowjob it'd be more for me than them.
- Yeah.
What could I get away with during this blowjob until they just give up on it? - Until they go, "Please stop.
" - Yeah.
That'll be my tactic in prison.
"All right, then.
" - Scare the fuck out them.
- Or I'll go, "Yeah, do you want one?" "No worries, mate.
" - Angela, have you ever lost your phone? - Yeah.
- And what were the repercussions? - No repercussions.
I just got Find My Phone and I found it.
- As in the thing - It's a great story.
You might want to save that for when you're on Graham Norton That's a wonderful anecdote.
Jamali, are you worried about losing your phone? Yeah.
I realised how weak I was.
I was in LA and I was downtown and I lost my phone in the Uber and I tried to chase the Uber but I'm not as fast as a car.
I had no money, I had nothing.
I dunno where I am, I was lost.
And in about five minutes I was like, "Oh, I just live here now.
" Like, "This is where I exist now.
I'm stuck.
" And I saw the homeless people and I was like, "I don't think they're homeless, "I think they're people that lost their phones in Ubers.
" Stuck there now forever.
But I had that real anxiety.
I was like, "I'm fucked, I can't do anything cos it's got my money on it, - "my travel, everything.
" - Your porn's on it.
- Do you store porn? - Me? - Yeah.
- No, but I've been caught a few times lately.
I don't ever delete my history so Stacey would look at something on my phone on the internet and it would be like "amateur milf".
Ain't that just the Loose Women panel? - He can't say that.
- I can't say that but, yeah, yeah.
Loose Women is separate search all its own.
I'm a really lazy wanker, as in, like Do I even have to be here? Like, instead of doing a bit of prep, you know, check the door, get everything ready, I'll just go straight into it.
And then thinking, "Oh, fuck, someone's coming.
" "Oh, my God, this is actually quite a busy bus route!" I can tell you losing your phone is not one of our top fears but when it comes to new technology, I have to admit I'm a little bit behind the curve.
I only found out my pager had stopped working when I read about it on Ceefax.
OK, so what else are people frightened of? Fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - End of the world.
- Yeah.
Do you worry about that, Joe? - No.
I mean I worry more about missing out on things.
So if we're all gonna die I'm not gonna miss out on much so let's all do it together.
- No fomo.
- No fomo, mate.
- What about a zombie attack? I think I'd be all right, I'm quite quick, I'd stay on me toes.
- I think I'd just become one.
- Do you reckon? - I'd just give in.
Yeah, let's do that.
That didn't take a lot of convincing, did it? That would be a really short series of The Walking Dead.
"What we gonna do? Shall we just be a zombie?" "Yeah, fuck it.
" "Come here, boys!" I can't believe, Rob, you've finally got a catchphrase.
- It makes sense as a zombie blowjob.
- Yes.
This is where you guys were going with it all along.
That can't be my catchphrase.
I can't sit down at parents' evening.
"Oh, you're the" "You're a star.
" - Scared of end of the world? - A little bit.
Like, they say that if a nuclear disaster happened it would cause 95% fatalities within a 4km radius.
But I've down Couch to 5K so I'd be all right.
If they said there's an asteroid heading towards Earth, - you've got a month to live - What would you do? - No recycling for a start.
- Yeah.
I'd just launch it in my garden.
So you wouldn't change anything? Yeah, just live my life as normal.
What about you guys? Scared of the end of the world? It depends how it is.
If it turns to Mad Max world, all the economy's dead, I wanna go out first wave.
I don't wanna be eating some dead dude's arm, wearing, like, long jackets and shit.
You're worried about the fashion choices.
Goggles and stuff and you gotta ride a quad bike.
I don't wanna do all that shit.
If it looks like the end of the world we are going to need alternative food sources.
So I've got some snacks here which are alternative protein sources.
I've got nachos for you.
Do you wanna grab those? - Love nachos.
- And they're with crickets.
Apparently they're, well, not delicious but edible.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Joe, you've been here, done that, right? Yeah, I don't need to do it again.
You've all seen me do it.
- Oh, God! - I hate jalapenos! - Shall I feed Beckett? - Yeah, feed Beckett.
That's too many! - That's too Oh.
- Open your mouth.
Oh! Were you trying to catch them there? You really lunged for it.
Oh! Oh! - Are you gonna try one, Angela? - Yeah.
- OK.
This is your audition for the jungle.
Is it OK? - I like it.
- It's all right.
- You like it? - I think the worst thing is the tomatoes and the guac.
This is cricket bruschetta.
- Oh, hang on, Maisie's gone.
- They're not eating - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maisie's gone.
- Swallow it, Maisie! - Oh - Don't think about Don't think about what it is.
SHE RETCHES Maisie, I think it's all right.
We ate loads of them.
- Loads.
Loads of them.
- It's so It's the - The legs.
- SHE COUGHS - Oh, no, no, no! You can't really feel the legs.
And there's no difference between a cricket and a lobster - or a shrimp.
- Yes, there is.
One lives in the sea, one's in the field.
I tell you what, I know David Attenborough's getting on a bit and he's gonna go someday but don't worry, we got Joe Swash.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's the end of the world.
The world is facing a catastrophic pandemic.
There've been over 2,000 cases of bubonic plague reported in Madagascar.
But the good news is, eh, Madagascar.
So those were the top three things Brits are afraid of but let's not forget fear of clowns.
Big silly grin, bulging eyes and orange hair, Rob, are you scared of clowns? Big rubber face, silly clothes and a fake nose, Katherine, are you scared of clowns? At the end of that round Rob, Maisie and Joe have 2 points, Katherine, Angela and Jamali have 2 points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is the Pick Of The Polls.
Katherine, Angela, Jamali, what do you like the look of? I think we will go for the happy man and woman looking at a laptop.
OK, well, you have picked the working colleagues flirting.
- Uh-oh.
- Here's your related question.
- I think that's false.
- Yeah.
- You think most people would date a colleague.
- Yeah.
I think - Have you dated a colleague? - Um - Bit of One Show gossip.
- No.
- You haven't? - No.
Angela's a model, and who wants to date a male model? Just have a wank and call it a day.
Would you ever date a colleague, Jamali? - I wouldn't, like, date another comedian - No.
.
.
because we're all psychos.
Katherine, have you ever dated anyone at work? Of course, people are dating colleagues.
- How else are you going to date? - Yeah.
A colleague, to me, is just a man with a job, and that's good enough.
Depends where you work, though, innit? Broadmoor, no.
Spearmint Rhino, yes.
Katherine, you used to work in a bar.
Was there any romance there? No, but I fucked the manager, because I wanted to leave early.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How did you get off the normal work shift for fucking a manager? I just got to leave whenever I wanted - but I felt like I was playing him.
I actually had a crush on him, as well, so it wasn't like - Oh, win-win.
- .
.
torture, and also, I had my sights - like, I wasn't fucking the line cooks, - I was sucking off the manager.
- Straight to the top, innit? - Thank you! - ONE PERSON CLAPS Someone is the manager of a restaurant.
Thank you, sir.
You've got aspirations, I can't be mad at that.
- Do know what? - You sound like her boyfriend! You got aspirations, man.
"You're home early, you've got aspirations, "do what you've got to do.
" I feel really bad for your husband now.
Every time, "Oh, you're home early.
" This was before #MeToo.
Now I see there's a bit of a power imbalance there, but we didn't think it at the time, because it was such a matriarchy, we had so many women, like, collaborating and working together, that a few of us were fucking him! This geezer was filling his boots, wasn't he? "You go home early, sweet.
" He was there on his own for eight hours.
"All the staff are gone, I don't know why.
" Poor fella.
I bet it was worn down to a nub.
Absolute costume of a geezer, wandering around "Ugh, back to work again.
" Have you ever dated a colleague at work, Maisie? As Jamali said, like, as a comic, you are basically asking me, "What's your type, a narcissist in tears?" It's horrible.
Like, no.
But also, with being a comic, I just get home and compare myself.
My boyfriend now, he runs a cocktail bar, but I'll be honest, if he comes back with best bartender of the year, I'll still be like, "Well, it should have been me.
" What if he comes home early? Then I will drop kick Katherine in the face.
What about you? Did you ever have a regular job before sort of TV madness took over? What did you used to do for a living? So, I worked as a fire protection officer.
- Give over.
- I swear to God.
So, I was working at Whitethe BBC White City, I was working there.
Basically, I would go into a room, and I would have to try and think, right, if there was a fire in this room, I would have to contain it.
So, the BBC's fucking That's just It's gonna go up like a fucking tinderbox.
I did.
Honestly, I cut so many corners there, it's unreal.
- Did you go out as people you work with? - Yeah.
- Like - Yeah, but no-one Not another fire protection officer.
No.
- OK, have you ever dated a colleague? - Yeah, acting -wise, I've dated I dated a young lady called Kara Tointon, who played my sister in EastEnders.
Wow.
I met Stacey when I was in the jungle, so spent a bit of time out there are What about with doing panto? Anyone? - Anyone in panto? - You're such a dick.
- Nah.
- When you were doing panto, though, was there anyone? No, I can't.
I can't do that.
When you were doing panto, though, was there? - You're an idiot.
- Sorry! - You're such a dick.
- Look - I can't! - Let's just say, Grumpy wasn't grumpy any more.
Would you date a colleague? Rob, have you ever dated a colleague? Fuckin' has he?! Who would date him?! You're having a laugh, ain't ya? So, let me get some answers on this.
So What are you going to say, Rob? Um I think people would date a colleague, I would say.
- So, you are saying false.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's false.
All right, what do you think? I want to go home early.
True.
LAUGHTER Er OK, well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
73% of people would date a colleague.
There's nothing sexier than secretly dating someone at work, exchanging illicit glances and calling each other by your secret pet names whilst your colleagues don't suspect a thing.
Isn't that right, Big Nob Rob? And, at the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
APPLAUSE That's it for part three, see you after the break.
CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
I'd say the worst thing about people who have pets, and I hate it, people who put an Instagram as their pet.
Like they set up a profile as their dog, and they speak in the first person, and they say things like, "Walkies with my mummy today," or "Cuddling with my human, woof.
" Yeah, yeah.
I just think if you're going to set up an Instagram for your dog, you should have to commit fully and get every app for the dog.
Like I want to see your guinea pig on Grindr.
I want to see I want to know your goldfish's Uber rating.
I want everything.
Is when they start giving the dog a personality and views you know it doesn't have.
Like I've seen one where it's like a dog looking at the TV and it goes, "I'm voting Corbyn," it's like, no, you're fucking not! You're a dog.
You ain't voting for nothing.
At least someone voted for him.
The worst thing about owning a pet is if they run away, you know you're a real bad fucker.
What was happening with you and your dog that he ran away? He wasn't enjoying the sex? It turns out he doesn't even like peanut butter.
He's gone! I had some hamsters, and I've got a mate called Nick the Greek Where's he from? Yeah, he's from Greece.
I went away for work, and I gave him the key to look after the hamsters, to feed them.
And he didn't.
And they escaped.
I found one of them in the sink.
It literally ate half a bar of soap, because it couldn't out of the sink to survive.
- Honestly, it was terrible.
- The dentist would be delighted with him.
The worst is when the dogs what you have sex.
That's the worst, isn't it? Some of them can't turn their neck round that far, but When they do, it's really off-putting.
He didn't fuck a dog! They They made love.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think, Katherine? I mean, I don't think it's owning A pet that is a problem.
- It's owning 17 pets, as I do.
- You've got 17 pets? - What have you got? - What animals do you have? - What are your 17 pets? I have a horse and a cat.
And then I have hamsters and four dogs and, yeah, like, some more dogs coming over Friday.
I can't stop! Then you go to the vet and then the vet sees a mark, and she starts to say, "Oh, your pet needs this, your pet needs that.
" I'm like, "My daughter didn't even know a hamster could have chemo! "Shut up!" - Joe, what do you think? - They die, don't they? - Yeah, the right answer.
Yes, the worst thing about owning a pet is when they die.
Especially if it's a guide dog, you'll never make it home.
Oh, Jimmy, you can't do that! Oh, Jimmy! I'll never forget where I was when I found out my dog was dead.
In my car, reversing out the drive.
OK, next question.
Most useful thing Brits have learned from their parents.
Is it that locks on the door are very important? It was Christmas 1992.
I'm still not ready to talk about it.
The things I saw in that room, Jimmy.
You can't un-see them, but you know they weren't wrestling.
Is it like the birds and bees conversation? Because like British people are quite prudish, aren't they? My parents were very efficient with that.
They scared me about contraception and stuff.
Even now, I'm on the pill, I've got three condoms on, I got a coil up my arse.
What's the best thing your parents taught you? So my mum always taught me to do my washing, cleaning and ironing, otherwise I'd go out dirty, creased and hungry.
From an early age I learned to look after myself.
Honestly, Stacey can go away for weeks.
I can keep the kids alive.
I can keep the kids alive? Stacey comes home and one of the kids is in the sink eating soap.
We went to Wonderland.
Literally we got to the top of the road and realised we forgot the baby.
There were other people in the house, though, weren't there? There were two strangers in the house doing some building.
I can confirm that.
I saw that on Stacey's Instagram.
- Did you see it? - You did forget the baby.
- Forgot the baby.
Katherine, did you learn anything from your parents? When I was growing up, my mom told me, I was bullied, and she said that the bullies were just jealous.
I was like, "Girl, I know!" I really believed that because I was bullied, it meant I was famous and everyone was obsessed with me.
I really thought that.
They would like throw paper at my head in class, I'd be like, "Who should I make this out to and thank them for their support?" The only other place I'd seen women victimised for their looks was in magazines, and when it happened to me, I thought I had arrived.
Like I really loved being bullied.
I was like, "haters gonna hate".
I loved it.
- You are going to do great on this show! - I know! - Maisie, what do you think? - My dad's like a proper Yorkshireman, so he speaks like once every three days.
And when he does, what he says is so basic, you wonder if it's actually quite profound.
What sort of thing? Well, he'll just sort of shuffle into the lounge and go, "It's going to rain at two.
" So, most useful thing people learnt from their parents.
Jamali, what did you learn from your parents? My dad always gave me weird advice.
My dad was like a real East End dude from Leighton, and when I was 14 years old, he sat me down, and he goes, "If you ever take ecstasy, take half.
" And that was his advice.
- That was his whole advice.
- What a dad! - What solid advice there, kids.
- Take half, see how you feel.
It might be a dud, you might have to take another.
I don't want to criticise, but better advice would be a full MMR jab.
OK, so, most useful thing people learn from their parents? - What else do you think it will be? - Self-defence.
- Self-defence? - Yeah.
Your parents were coming at you? You had to roll into a ball like a hedgehog? No, but I was one of four girls, and so we went at each other.
Stop it, Jimmy! So when I was in school, if there was ever any trouble, my dad would say, "If someone kicks you in the shins, kick them back.
"If someone hits you in the face, hit them back.
Just mirror them.
"Never be the first to throw the slap, but always stand up for yourself and never get caught.
" Yeah.
My dad used to say, "Don't start it, but fucking finish it!" And never talk to the police.
OK.
So, Joe, you were pretty much there.
- It's what your mum taught you.
- Cooking.
- Cooking is exactly right.
Cooking? Really? Yes, the most useful thing most Brits learn from their parents is how to cook.
Also on the list is how to shave.
Thanks, Mum, never been smoother.
BUZZER Well, that means it's the end of the round, and the end of the show.
And I can tell you that Rob, Maisie and Joe are tonight's winners! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it.
Goodnight!
We're crazy for Maisie - it's Maisie Adam.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, she's the one to watch - it's Angela Scanlon.
Stand-up guy - it's Jamali Maddix.
And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host - Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, two thirds of human communication is by gesture, not speech.
Sounds about right.
People are always waving at me.
All right, Jimmy? More than half of Brits enjoy meat substitutes or, as they are more commonly known, dildos.
And 63% of British women say size does matter, so if you're a man with a small penis, little tip - and little shaft, I'd imagine.
Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
This week, our panellists' job is to guess the British public's top three fears.
Rob's team, what do you think the nation are afraid of? - Snakes, spiders, all that sort of thing.
- You don't like snakes? No, hate snakes.
I can't watch I'm A Celeb cos I just get too scared for them.
It's horrible.
Have you seen that video of Steve Irwin when he's like, "It won't bite me, it won't bite me"? Very calm.
And then out of nowhere, "Sfft!" Yeah, but what ever happened to him? - I don't mind snakes.
The creepy crawlies, I really get.
- Yeah.
Spiders.
JIMMY SHUDDERS People always go like, "Oh, they're more scared of you than you are of them.
" I'm like, "Well, get out of my house, then.
" Would you get the spider, then, if it was in your house? If there was a spider in the bath, could you go and get it? Yeah, depending on size.
Anything above five foot, I'll leave it in there.
I'm not afraid of insects because I live in the UK.
I don't understand this fear of spiders when your spiders have the lowest street cred worldwide of any spider.
Other spiders are like, "Oh, I can paralyse them, "I can poison them, I can kill them.
" What do your spiders do? Piss you off? It's like when you guys complain about snow, the world is laughing.
- Jamali, what about creepy crawlies generally? - No, I'm cool with that.
I've got bigger issues than, like, a spider.
Like, haters and snitches and stuff like that on the agenda.
- Haters, snitches, spiders.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What if there was a spider that's snitched on you? - Oh, yeah.
Then you've got to stamp it out.
- Rule number one.
That's just the code, in't it? - Yeah.
I like how I can get away with saying things, like, "That's just the code," and white people just go, "Oh, yes, fair enough.
" We have centipedes in Canada and I was alone in my flat in a very rough part of Toronto and that's back when I was very young, very small, very Britney, hair-coloured skin, skin-coloured hair and it was two in the morning and there was a centipede on the wall and I knew I couldn't sleep with it there, so I just went outside in little pink hot pants and I asked some gang members if they would come inside and kill the centipede.
And they were lovely.
Really nice guys.
And they killed the centipede and then they left and then they, like, looked at for me and I was always, like, bringing them snacks and things.
Sorry, are you talking about something I've seen on Pornhub? Are you scared of creepy crawlies cos I mean, - you went in the jungle, didn't you? - I'm not scared of creepy crawlies.
- Last year, funnily enough Oh, it's not funny.
- Don't say it, then.
I was doing something and a cockroach ran into my earhole and it stayed in there for three days.
It died in there.
- I went to hospital.
- Was this in the jungle? - In the jungle.
- We did a trial.
It ran down the ear.
- How big are your ears? Honestly, they must just open up like a cave.
The thing is, what you've got in there is a brain.
Whereas his goes straight through.
Anyway, the bug went in and the hospital couldn't get it out the year for three days and literally my party trick - for a little while, I'd do this, and it smelt like death.
- No! - Oh, what a party trick! - Got to have some of that.
I lived in Australia for a year and we had There was quite a big group of us in Sydney and there were cockroaches everywhere in our house and so instead of cleaning the dishes which maybe was an attraction for them, we would just collect all the cups and just put them over the cockroach so that they could stay there underneath the cup and then we would just going about our business, dodging these multiple dozens of cups with dead cockroaches underneath them.
- Sounds like the bottom deck of the Titanic.
- It felt a bit like that.
Yes.
But they weren't smelly.
So I don't know what happened in your ear.
- Mine was dead.
For three days.
- What was the cause of death? I think boredom in there, probably.
What? You know I love you.
OK, let's have a look and see if creepy crawlies are up there.
Yes.
It's a creepy crawlies.
On I'm A Celebrity 2018, Joe Swash was taken to hospital when a cockroach lodged itself in his ear.
"It was one of the worst experiences of my life," said the cockroach.
So not scared of creepy crawlies - what about a rat? I heard rats are pretty smart.
I don't love rodents.
I don't want anything in my house that's uninvited.
Take a look at this guy dealing with a rat in the bathroom but really watch out for the cat.
- No, no.
- Tremendous! "Yeah, I'll bring the cat in there "cos the cat will probably get the rat," and the cat's going, "No.
" - Katherine, what else are the nation afraid of? - Is it death? - What? - Keep it light.
- I think death is a beautiful thing.
You know, it can be a real relief for an Eastern European model wanting to cash in on ten years of sucking cock.
- Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Look at poor Melania Trump.
- Yeah.
She's, like, absolutely overachieved as a gold-digger and weirdly underachieved.
Yeah, if you look at Anna Nicole Smith on the day of her wedding to her 89-year-old husband and then a year later on the day of his funeral, she's a lot happier that day.
That's why I always try to teach young girls who want to gold-dig to go very old.
- Like, if he's still eating solid food, he's too young.
- Yes.
Are you scared of death, Jamali? I nearly died not that long ago when I was in Bangkok - and I got measles and my lungs haemorrhaged.
- What? So I was coughing up blood.
My mum never got me vaccinated.
- You were not vaccinated? - Yeah, this is what happens cos they were saying to me, "Have you been vaccinated?" And I was like, "I don't know.
" I rang my mum and I said, "Mum, did you vaccinate me when I was a kid?" And she goes, "Nah!" So I'm like, you know, "Uh-oh.
" There were four of us and only two of us were vaccinated.
My mum ain't a nice woman, man.
Well, two of your siblings would disagree.
- Scared of death, Maisie? - Yeah, terrified.
- Are you? - Yeah, absolutely terrified, yeah.
- Really? Like, I'll start freaking out if I start talking about it.
Like, once we go, that's it.
You'll be gone.
You.
Everyone.
- Just those two.
- Just them two.
If you're on a plane and there's really bad turbulence - Yeah, oh, I'm a wreck.
- See, I go the other way.
- I go, "All right, then, let's go.
" - Yeah, I'm like that.
I'm all right on planes cos I kind of think it's out of your hands.
- Someone else is in charge of that.
- Hope so.
"Beckett, you're up for an hour.
" "Fucking hell.
" - I'm not afraid of death at all.
- What? Why aren't you scared of death? Because I think the wake situation is quite exciting.
- When I was six, I stayed in a bed with my dead granny.
- What? - Yeah.
- So it was a wake.
- It was awake, well, she's not dead, then.
It's called a wake and so after the person dies, before they go to the church and get buried, you have a wake.
Yeah, we know what a wake is.
OK, well, then, why is this such a surprise to you? Because you said you slept with her.
Sometimes we don't sleep with the corpses, that's the only difference.
- Have you planned your funeral, Joe? - Me? No, of course I haven't.
- I think you should.
You're doing Dancing On Ice.
- Yes.
I'm with Rob, I don't really care when it happens, to be fair.
It'll happen when it happens, do you know what I mean? It feels like you're talking me into some kind of joint suicide.
All right, shall we? Fuck it, why not? I mean, I can't spend too much time thinking about it.
- Let nature take its course.
- Or don't let nature take its course.
That's why I've got a head start on the embalming.
I'm the only one in my family with any money, I've got to pay for the funeral and I'm doing it in instalments.
My face is ready to be buried.
Do you know, sometimes when there's a funeral and people go, "You know what? I don't want it to be sad, "I want it to be a celebration.
" They say that and when you look at one that is a celebration, sometimes not great.
This is why there's no dancing at funerals.
MUSIC PLAYS It's the way they all walk away, like, "Not my problem.
" The walking away is remarkable because one guy stays there and goes, "What have we done?" And the others just walk away like, "Not my fault.
" They got far too cocky cos there was the little bounce and then they started doing this whole trying to get it round their shoulders, like they were going to start doing keepy-ups with it.
- Also, super simple lesson - nail it shut.
- Yeah.
I mean, that's not half as bad if you've nailed that shut.
Nailed it shut.
It's such a horrible term.
Imagine if you worked as a funeral director, "Right, do you want to nail it shut? "Nail it shut.
That's 80 quid.
" If you do nail it shut, you can guarantee that Angela won't climb in and try and hug it.
It's worth it, it's worth it.
Well, let's have a look and see if death is up there.
Yes, it's death.
My nan actually died of a heart attack and I'll never forget it because it was the same day I bought her an air horn.
Now, it's not in the top three but one of the things Brits are most afraid of is rats, so it's time for a bonus round.
Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Is There A Rat Under My Hat? I literally just said that.
Rob, Maisie, Joe, go and get your Is There A Rat Under My Hat hats on.
Katherine, come with me.
Let's play Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Is There A Rat Under My Hat? Erm Right.
Well, just on facial expressions, I think you can tell who's got a rat under her hat.
I don't want to say that this is going to be slightly - underwhelming as a game.
- It could be a double bluff.
Oh, it could be a double bluff, but it definitely isn't.
Look at her.
Katherine, who's got a rat under their hat? I don't know.
I think I need a lot of time to tell.
Joe, I think what Katherine is trying to say is, could you tell us a little bit about your childhood? Where did you go to primary school? Yes, so I went to a place called Thornhill and then I went to Highburgh Grove and then I went into the acting and yeah - Rob, what's your favourite film? - Demolition Man.
- Demolition Man.
Interesting choice.
Katherine, any further questions before we conclude? - It's interesting because - Step on it, step on it.
I just wanted to tell you guys that Angela was telling me a second ago that if a rat defecates on your head and any of it seeps into your eye, you'll go blind.
Maisie, Maisie, do you like dogs? Cos we might be getting you one.
I love dogs.
Hurry up.
No, seriously, hurry up.
Right, so who do you think has a rat under their hat? - I mean, either she's the actress of a generation - Yeah.
I don't know if Maisie has a rat under her hat.
Because I think this might be a double bluff situation, like, I don't know, Maisie, are you a good actress? No.
And then Joe Swash, he's had cockroaches in his ears, God knows what else.
He's cool as a cucumber, in fact he's been in the jungle - and so has Rob.
- We didn't do none of that in the jungle.
We just tried to do some jokes.
Yeah, I had a skill.
- Not now.
- I'm going to need an answer now.
- I really can't tell.
What do you mean, you can't tell? There has never been a more obvious question in the history of television.
This is like a quiz on This Morning.
- I think it's double bluff too.
- I think it's double bluff.
You see, we don't trust people.
Who do you think has got a rat under their hat? Quick.
- You've got to think.
- I think the rat is in Joe's hat.
- It might be in my hat.
- Because he's never been more Agh! - Look at that.
- Wow! - The greatest ever! - I got you.
- Maisie Adam there! Unbelievable.
OK, so points to Katherine's team.
That's it for this part.
We're going to hose Joe Swash down.
See you after the break.
You can go.
You're done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats where we'll still trying to guess what British people are most afraid of.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Rob's team.
- Ghosts? - I ain't afraid of no ghosts.
Felt compelled to say that.
- Do you believe in that? - No, I don't.
You do, though, don't you? There's bits of I believe and bits that I don't believe.
Do you believe in ghosts? That bit.
If there was ghosts then it'd be overpopulated.
There'll be ghosts everywhere.
You know a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Such a good point.
"If there ghosts there'd be ghosts fucking everywhere.
"All over the shop.
" But no-one proper, like, clever or successful sees ghosts.
It's never, like, Bill Gates goes, "I saw a ghost the other day.
" It's always, like, Coleen Nolan on Loose Women going, "I was visited by a spirit.
" - Do you believe in this? - Yes, I really believe that there spirits and shit happens that is unexplainable.
Tell me something that's unexplainable - and I'll explain it.
Go ahead.
- OK, so last night I was in bed - Right.
- .
.
and I had a dream I thought I was gonna be murdered by this man who looked like a Ken doll.
He was my Uber driver in the dream.
He kept muttering things to me and he kept telling me about a discussion I just had on the phone.
So I knew that he was in my head, so I woke myself up and my body was freezing cold.
And then I went back to sleep and then I felt a cold breath on my face.
- Have you been paying your bills? - Pardon? Have you been paying your bills? I think the unexplainable, Joe Swash - Might have left the window open.
- Yeah.
OK.
- Jamali, do you believe in ghosts? - No, I don't believe in none of that.
All my family are into all this wacky shit.
My grandma believes in it.
She does all that Luigi board stuff.
Luigi board?! APPLAUSE - All that - Luigi board.
It's like Mario Brothers and a Ouija board.
Is it Ouija board? All sat on a table, green hat on, overalls.
Fag.
Mushroom.
The signs of a haunted house, though, are the smell of decay and rooting food, dodgy electrics.
Like, stuff going missing.
And then apparently people wake up between 3.
00 and 4.
00am with an overwhelming sense of dread.
That's not a haunted house, that's a student house.
Ghosts are very particular about consent.
So, unlike men who are alive, they only reveal themselves to people - who want to see them.
- Yeah.
And even in my house I go round sometimes at night and I know I closed all the cupboards but all the cupboards are open.
Like, I hear strange noises at night and then sometimes I can feel a heavy weight in the night trying to have sex with me.
And then that's when I realise I just got married.
Tell you what, right? I done a ghost documentary years ago and I stayed at this fella's house.
He's an old geezer called Fred.
He lived in this place called the Ram's Inn.
I had to stay there one night and he reckons that there's a certain ghost called an incupus.
- Incubus.
- Incubus.
- Incubus.
It's a ghost that tries to have sex with ya.
- And then there's a succupus.
- Succupus, yeah.
I think that's self-explanatory, that one.
But, yeah, no-one tried to do nothing to me so I was pretty - Insulted! - They weren't interested in me at all.
Creep in and suck off Fred Great prank, Rob, great prank.
"We had a right laugh.
I just sucked Fred off, he thought it was a ghost.
"Quality!" "Lads, lads!" "Lads! "The geezer" Who'snow, Fred?! Rob and Joe Ghost Hunters.
Just going round the country sucking people off in haunted houses.
I can tell you ghosts are not up there or indeed up there.
The thing is, my house is built on a burial site.
I mean, it wasn't when I moved in but now OK, one more to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
What are people scared about? BUZZER Is it losing your phone? There's quite a lot of anxiety around this now.
People really feel like it's an extension of self.
Do you worry - about losing your phone, Joe? - I lose my phone quite a lot.
But for some reason my phones always work their way back to me.
- I'm generally pretty lucky.
- Lucky? Yeah, you got a TV career, look at ya.
Come on.
You git! - I can't help myself.
- If anyone wants his phone number, he gives them his mum's landline.
- Aw.
- Who rung your mum? - Fatima Whitbread.
- She had Brendan from Coach Trip phoning - This is like pantomime Katherine, are you addicted to your phone? No.
I mean, I like my phone.
I use my phone.
I've never lost it.
I turn on everyone I know Find My Friends.
I know their whereabouts.
I've put a GPS on my daughter.
Didn't even tell her.
Quick injection in the back of the neck when they're asleep.
People aren't properly addicted.
It's not the same as proper addiction.
If you was addicted to your phone you'd be, like, sat on a piss-stained mattress at Kings Cross sucking someone off for a two-minute scroll of Instagram.
The Ghost Hunters are back with a phone.
I wanna refresh Twitter.
Just three clips on YouTube.
The blowjobs are getting worse.
I can't wait till you two go broke and have to make a sex tape.
The saddest thing ever.
- If I ever did do a blowjob it'd be more for me than them.
- Yeah.
What could I get away with during this blowjob until they just give up on it? - Until they go, "Please stop.
" - Yeah.
That'll be my tactic in prison.
"All right, then.
" - Scare the fuck out them.
- Or I'll go, "Yeah, do you want one?" "No worries, mate.
" - Angela, have you ever lost your phone? - Yeah.
- And what were the repercussions? - No repercussions.
I just got Find My Phone and I found it.
- As in the thing - It's a great story.
You might want to save that for when you're on Graham Norton That's a wonderful anecdote.
Jamali, are you worried about losing your phone? Yeah.
I realised how weak I was.
I was in LA and I was downtown and I lost my phone in the Uber and I tried to chase the Uber but I'm not as fast as a car.
I had no money, I had nothing.
I dunno where I am, I was lost.
And in about five minutes I was like, "Oh, I just live here now.
" Like, "This is where I exist now.
I'm stuck.
" And I saw the homeless people and I was like, "I don't think they're homeless, "I think they're people that lost their phones in Ubers.
" Stuck there now forever.
But I had that real anxiety.
I was like, "I'm fucked, I can't do anything cos it's got my money on it, - "my travel, everything.
" - Your porn's on it.
- Do you store porn? - Me? - Yeah.
- No, but I've been caught a few times lately.
I don't ever delete my history so Stacey would look at something on my phone on the internet and it would be like "amateur milf".
Ain't that just the Loose Women panel? - He can't say that.
- I can't say that but, yeah, yeah.
Loose Women is separate search all its own.
I'm a really lazy wanker, as in, like Do I even have to be here? Like, instead of doing a bit of prep, you know, check the door, get everything ready, I'll just go straight into it.
And then thinking, "Oh, fuck, someone's coming.
" "Oh, my God, this is actually quite a busy bus route!" I can tell you losing your phone is not one of our top fears but when it comes to new technology, I have to admit I'm a little bit behind the curve.
I only found out my pager had stopped working when I read about it on Ceefax.
OK, so what else are people frightened of? Fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER - End of the world.
- Yeah.
Do you worry about that, Joe? - No.
I mean I worry more about missing out on things.
So if we're all gonna die I'm not gonna miss out on much so let's all do it together.
- No fomo.
- No fomo, mate.
- What about a zombie attack? I think I'd be all right, I'm quite quick, I'd stay on me toes.
- I think I'd just become one.
- Do you reckon? - I'd just give in.
Yeah, let's do that.
That didn't take a lot of convincing, did it? That would be a really short series of The Walking Dead.
"What we gonna do? Shall we just be a zombie?" "Yeah, fuck it.
" "Come here, boys!" I can't believe, Rob, you've finally got a catchphrase.
- It makes sense as a zombie blowjob.
- Yes.
This is where you guys were going with it all along.
That can't be my catchphrase.
I can't sit down at parents' evening.
"Oh, you're the" "You're a star.
" - Scared of end of the world? - A little bit.
Like, they say that if a nuclear disaster happened it would cause 95% fatalities within a 4km radius.
But I've down Couch to 5K so I'd be all right.
If they said there's an asteroid heading towards Earth, - you've got a month to live - What would you do? - No recycling for a start.
- Yeah.
I'd just launch it in my garden.
So you wouldn't change anything? Yeah, just live my life as normal.
What about you guys? Scared of the end of the world? It depends how it is.
If it turns to Mad Max world, all the economy's dead, I wanna go out first wave.
I don't wanna be eating some dead dude's arm, wearing, like, long jackets and shit.
You're worried about the fashion choices.
Goggles and stuff and you gotta ride a quad bike.
I don't wanna do all that shit.
If it looks like the end of the world we are going to need alternative food sources.
So I've got some snacks here which are alternative protein sources.
I've got nachos for you.
Do you wanna grab those? - Love nachos.
- And they're with crickets.
Apparently they're, well, not delicious but edible.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Joe, you've been here, done that, right? Yeah, I don't need to do it again.
You've all seen me do it.
- Oh, God! - I hate jalapenos! - Shall I feed Beckett? - Yeah, feed Beckett.
That's too many! - That's too Oh.
- Open your mouth.
Oh! Were you trying to catch them there? You really lunged for it.
Oh! Oh! - Are you gonna try one, Angela? - Yeah.
- OK.
This is your audition for the jungle.
Is it OK? - I like it.
- It's all right.
- You like it? - I think the worst thing is the tomatoes and the guac.
This is cricket bruschetta.
- Oh, hang on, Maisie's gone.
- They're not eating - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maisie's gone.
- Swallow it, Maisie! - Oh - Don't think about Don't think about what it is.
SHE RETCHES Maisie, I think it's all right.
We ate loads of them.
- Loads.
Loads of them.
- It's so It's the - The legs.
- SHE COUGHS - Oh, no, no, no! You can't really feel the legs.
And there's no difference between a cricket and a lobster - or a shrimp.
- Yes, there is.
One lives in the sea, one's in the field.
I tell you what, I know David Attenborough's getting on a bit and he's gonna go someday but don't worry, we got Joe Swash.
Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's the end of the world.
The world is facing a catastrophic pandemic.
There've been over 2,000 cases of bubonic plague reported in Madagascar.
But the good news is, eh, Madagascar.
So those were the top three things Brits are afraid of but let's not forget fear of clowns.
Big silly grin, bulging eyes and orange hair, Rob, are you scared of clowns? Big rubber face, silly clothes and a fake nose, Katherine, are you scared of clowns? At the end of that round Rob, Maisie and Joe have 2 points, Katherine, Angela and Jamali have 2 points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is the Pick Of The Polls.
Katherine, Angela, Jamali, what do you like the look of? I think we will go for the happy man and woman looking at a laptop.
OK, well, you have picked the working colleagues flirting.
- Uh-oh.
- Here's your related question.
- I think that's false.
- Yeah.
- You think most people would date a colleague.
- Yeah.
I think - Have you dated a colleague? - Um - Bit of One Show gossip.
- No.
- You haven't? - No.
Angela's a model, and who wants to date a male model? Just have a wank and call it a day.
Would you ever date a colleague, Jamali? - I wouldn't, like, date another comedian - No.
.
.
because we're all psychos.
Katherine, have you ever dated anyone at work? Of course, people are dating colleagues.
- How else are you going to date? - Yeah.
A colleague, to me, is just a man with a job, and that's good enough.
Depends where you work, though, innit? Broadmoor, no.
Spearmint Rhino, yes.
Katherine, you used to work in a bar.
Was there any romance there? No, but I fucked the manager, because I wanted to leave early.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How did you get off the normal work shift for fucking a manager? I just got to leave whenever I wanted - but I felt like I was playing him.
I actually had a crush on him, as well, so it wasn't like - Oh, win-win.
- .
.
torture, and also, I had my sights - like, I wasn't fucking the line cooks, - I was sucking off the manager.
- Straight to the top, innit? - Thank you! - ONE PERSON CLAPS Someone is the manager of a restaurant.
Thank you, sir.
You've got aspirations, I can't be mad at that.
- Do know what? - You sound like her boyfriend! You got aspirations, man.
"You're home early, you've got aspirations, "do what you've got to do.
" I feel really bad for your husband now.
Every time, "Oh, you're home early.
" This was before #MeToo.
Now I see there's a bit of a power imbalance there, but we didn't think it at the time, because it was such a matriarchy, we had so many women, like, collaborating and working together, that a few of us were fucking him! This geezer was filling his boots, wasn't he? "You go home early, sweet.
" He was there on his own for eight hours.
"All the staff are gone, I don't know why.
" Poor fella.
I bet it was worn down to a nub.
Absolute costume of a geezer, wandering around "Ugh, back to work again.
" Have you ever dated a colleague at work, Maisie? As Jamali said, like, as a comic, you are basically asking me, "What's your type, a narcissist in tears?" It's horrible.
Like, no.
But also, with being a comic, I just get home and compare myself.
My boyfriend now, he runs a cocktail bar, but I'll be honest, if he comes back with best bartender of the year, I'll still be like, "Well, it should have been me.
" What if he comes home early? Then I will drop kick Katherine in the face.
What about you? Did you ever have a regular job before sort of TV madness took over? What did you used to do for a living? So, I worked as a fire protection officer.
- Give over.
- I swear to God.
So, I was working at Whitethe BBC White City, I was working there.
Basically, I would go into a room, and I would have to try and think, right, if there was a fire in this room, I would have to contain it.
So, the BBC's fucking That's just It's gonna go up like a fucking tinderbox.
I did.
Honestly, I cut so many corners there, it's unreal.
- Did you go out as people you work with? - Yeah.
- Like - Yeah, but no-one Not another fire protection officer.
No.
- OK, have you ever dated a colleague? - Yeah, acting -wise, I've dated I dated a young lady called Kara Tointon, who played my sister in EastEnders.
Wow.
I met Stacey when I was in the jungle, so spent a bit of time out there are What about with doing panto? Anyone? - Anyone in panto? - You're such a dick.
- Nah.
- When you were doing panto, though, was there anyone? No, I can't.
I can't do that.
When you were doing panto, though, was there? - You're an idiot.
- Sorry! - You're such a dick.
- Look - I can't! - Let's just say, Grumpy wasn't grumpy any more.
Would you date a colleague? Rob, have you ever dated a colleague? Fuckin' has he?! Who would date him?! You're having a laugh, ain't ya? So, let me get some answers on this.
So What are you going to say, Rob? Um I think people would date a colleague, I would say.
- So, you are saying false.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's false.
All right, what do you think? I want to go home early.
True.
LAUGHTER Er OK, well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
73% of people would date a colleague.
There's nothing sexier than secretly dating someone at work, exchanging illicit glances and calling each other by your secret pet names whilst your colleagues don't suspect a thing.
Isn't that right, Big Nob Rob? And, at the end of that round, Rob's team are in the lead.
APPLAUSE That's it for part three, see you after the break.
CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
I'd say the worst thing about people who have pets, and I hate it, people who put an Instagram as their pet.
Like they set up a profile as their dog, and they speak in the first person, and they say things like, "Walkies with my mummy today," or "Cuddling with my human, woof.
" Yeah, yeah.
I just think if you're going to set up an Instagram for your dog, you should have to commit fully and get every app for the dog.
Like I want to see your guinea pig on Grindr.
I want to see I want to know your goldfish's Uber rating.
I want everything.
Is when they start giving the dog a personality and views you know it doesn't have.
Like I've seen one where it's like a dog looking at the TV and it goes, "I'm voting Corbyn," it's like, no, you're fucking not! You're a dog.
You ain't voting for nothing.
At least someone voted for him.
The worst thing about owning a pet is if they run away, you know you're a real bad fucker.
What was happening with you and your dog that he ran away? He wasn't enjoying the sex? It turns out he doesn't even like peanut butter.
He's gone! I had some hamsters, and I've got a mate called Nick the Greek Where's he from? Yeah, he's from Greece.
I went away for work, and I gave him the key to look after the hamsters, to feed them.
And he didn't.
And they escaped.
I found one of them in the sink.
It literally ate half a bar of soap, because it couldn't out of the sink to survive.
- Honestly, it was terrible.
- The dentist would be delighted with him.
The worst is when the dogs what you have sex.
That's the worst, isn't it? Some of them can't turn their neck round that far, but When they do, it's really off-putting.
He didn't fuck a dog! They They made love.
Worst thing about owning a pet.
Let's get some answers.
What do you think, Katherine? I mean, I don't think it's owning A pet that is a problem.
- It's owning 17 pets, as I do.
- You've got 17 pets? - What have you got? - What animals do you have? - What are your 17 pets? I have a horse and a cat.
And then I have hamsters and four dogs and, yeah, like, some more dogs coming over Friday.
I can't stop! Then you go to the vet and then the vet sees a mark, and she starts to say, "Oh, your pet needs this, your pet needs that.
" I'm like, "My daughter didn't even know a hamster could have chemo! "Shut up!" - Joe, what do you think? - They die, don't they? - Yeah, the right answer.
Yes, the worst thing about owning a pet is when they die.
Especially if it's a guide dog, you'll never make it home.
Oh, Jimmy, you can't do that! Oh, Jimmy! I'll never forget where I was when I found out my dog was dead.
In my car, reversing out the drive.
OK, next question.
Most useful thing Brits have learned from their parents.
Is it that locks on the door are very important? It was Christmas 1992.
I'm still not ready to talk about it.
The things I saw in that room, Jimmy.
You can't un-see them, but you know they weren't wrestling.
Is it like the birds and bees conversation? Because like British people are quite prudish, aren't they? My parents were very efficient with that.
They scared me about contraception and stuff.
Even now, I'm on the pill, I've got three condoms on, I got a coil up my arse.
What's the best thing your parents taught you? So my mum always taught me to do my washing, cleaning and ironing, otherwise I'd go out dirty, creased and hungry.
From an early age I learned to look after myself.
Honestly, Stacey can go away for weeks.
I can keep the kids alive.
I can keep the kids alive? Stacey comes home and one of the kids is in the sink eating soap.
We went to Wonderland.
Literally we got to the top of the road and realised we forgot the baby.
There were other people in the house, though, weren't there? There were two strangers in the house doing some building.
I can confirm that.
I saw that on Stacey's Instagram.
- Did you see it? - You did forget the baby.
- Forgot the baby.
Katherine, did you learn anything from your parents? When I was growing up, my mom told me, I was bullied, and she said that the bullies were just jealous.
I was like, "Girl, I know!" I really believed that because I was bullied, it meant I was famous and everyone was obsessed with me.
I really thought that.
They would like throw paper at my head in class, I'd be like, "Who should I make this out to and thank them for their support?" The only other place I'd seen women victimised for their looks was in magazines, and when it happened to me, I thought I had arrived.
Like I really loved being bullied.
I was like, "haters gonna hate".
I loved it.
- You are going to do great on this show! - I know! - Maisie, what do you think? - My dad's like a proper Yorkshireman, so he speaks like once every three days.
And when he does, what he says is so basic, you wonder if it's actually quite profound.
What sort of thing? Well, he'll just sort of shuffle into the lounge and go, "It's going to rain at two.
" So, most useful thing people learnt from their parents.
Jamali, what did you learn from your parents? My dad always gave me weird advice.
My dad was like a real East End dude from Leighton, and when I was 14 years old, he sat me down, and he goes, "If you ever take ecstasy, take half.
" And that was his advice.
- That was his whole advice.
- What a dad! - What solid advice there, kids.
- Take half, see how you feel.
It might be a dud, you might have to take another.
I don't want to criticise, but better advice would be a full MMR jab.
OK, so, most useful thing people learn from their parents? - What else do you think it will be? - Self-defence.
- Self-defence? - Yeah.
Your parents were coming at you? You had to roll into a ball like a hedgehog? No, but I was one of four girls, and so we went at each other.
Stop it, Jimmy! So when I was in school, if there was ever any trouble, my dad would say, "If someone kicks you in the shins, kick them back.
"If someone hits you in the face, hit them back.
Just mirror them.
"Never be the first to throw the slap, but always stand up for yourself and never get caught.
" Yeah.
My dad used to say, "Don't start it, but fucking finish it!" And never talk to the police.
OK.
So, Joe, you were pretty much there.
- It's what your mum taught you.
- Cooking.
- Cooking is exactly right.
Cooking? Really? Yes, the most useful thing most Brits learn from their parents is how to cook.
Also on the list is how to shave.
Thanks, Mum, never been smoother.
BUZZER Well, that means it's the end of the round, and the end of the show.
And I can tell you that Rob, Maisie and Joe are tonight's winners! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it.
Goodnight!