8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e03 Episode Script
Nadine Coyle, Spencer Matthews, Vogue Williams, Kerry Godliman, Phil Wang
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats Wang, bang, thank you, ma'am, it's Phil Wang! Two for the price of one, it's Spencer and Vogue! And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, the original Derry Girl, it's Nadine Coyle! Show her the funny, it's Kerry Godliman! And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 44% of vegans live alone? I'm not surprised.
You can only open so many windows.
40% of Brits wouldn't give up their seat for a pregnant woman.
I got into trouble when I offered my seat to someone I thought was pregnant.
Turned out - just fat.
He was LIVID.
And 2% of Brits connect to the internet using a dongle.
I almost broke my dongle using the internet.
It completely overheated and started leaking.
Turns out it was a virus.
Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Katherine's team, what has the nation been talking about for the last week? - Megxit? - Megxit! Megxit, they're calling it Megxit because, meh, we're out of ideas.
Everyone's saying it's her fault.
Like, "Oh, I don't trust Meghan, I don't like the look of her, "it's all Meghan, she's manipulative.
" It's amazing how much men can get away with.
Like, Harry dressed like a Nazi, fought in a war, he's naked in Vegas, taking drugs, all he had to do to wipe the slate clean was marry a black woman and fly economy.
And now everyone's like, "He's the Duke of Woke!" It's very confusing to me, because Meghan Markle has done backwards exactly my life.
So, like, I was a waitress who hooked up with a creep from a trash family, and I left Canada because I wasn't getting enough attention.
LAUGHTER Spencer and Vogue, do you know them personally? - Are you friends with them? - No, we don't know them, sadly.
- I'd like their job - their old one.
- Yeah.
I think ultimately, everyone would be more comfortable with them doing whatever they want if they did it properly.
If they'd told the Queen and done it normally, it would have probably been all right I don't know about you, but I've never run anything I've done in my life past my nana.
Literally nothing.
The idea that they have to must be so difficult to explain to your hot new girlfriend.
"Oh, yeah, we've got to just run that by my nan, because "No, I know I know I'm your man and I love you and you love me, "but I just want to get permission from my nan, "but she's got to talk to my grandad first, "then we'll see what my dad says.
"And then I'll get back to you.
" What?! Rob, what do you think? Well, it's not gone smoothly, has it? Let's be honest.
I think it would be easier to leave Isis than the Royal family.
I think that jihadi bride looks less stressed than Meghan.
Do you think the jihadi brides are looking at it going, "Fucking hell, she's having a rough ride"? Nadine, what do you think? What was annoying that she done was, she was deliberately moving her coat out of the way, so's we could all see the bump.
That is one of my pet hates, I cannot bear it when pregnant people just constantly It's like, it's not going to fall out! It would be more eerie if her hands were just by her side the whole time.
Like a mannequin.
Or just like that.
Like, resting her arms It's a nice shelf, it's a nice shelf when you've got one.
- Resting a pint on it.
- Yeah.
- So, Harry and Meghan.
- Yup.
- Yes! LAUGHTER It's kind of hard to understand how you retire from not having a job.
They've just got back from a six-week vacation in Canada, and they've landed and the first thing they've said is, "Whoa, this is too much work!" They've just gone on holiday, they've had a nice holiday, and we've all done it, when you come back, you think, right, I'm going to home-school the kids and we'll make goat's cheese in the Dordogne, then.
- Just throw it all in.
- I think you've nailed it.
I think it's that thing where you're on holiday and you're like, two bottles of Bailey's in, going, - "Do you know what?" - "I'm not going back!" - "I'm never going back! - "I'm not going back, Harry!" - "You can't make me go back!" "Don't make me go back! I can't stand your nan!" I love the way that on the front covers of all the papers, it was, like, close-ups of all the different royals and saying, like, "Oh, the Queen looks disgruntled.
" Is just the same face, they're like She's never had a different face.
They said since Philip looks upset.
He's only ever got one face - dead.
That's his face.
I've never seen an alive person look more dead.
Spencer, Vogue - you're in the limelight now in the UK, you've got your own reality TV show, so if you ever wanted to escape it all, would you move abroad? Would you emigrate? No, we just went away for a month and I felt really lazy towards the end of it.
- Where did you go? - St Barts.
To the sun, by looking at him! Fucking hell, mate.
That is a tan, innit? He's actually topless.
I would describe your tan this evening as borderline racist.
My problem with this is, people say, oh, you know, Harry and Meghan, you should let them do whatever they want, people think it doesn't make any difference, but it does make a difference.
Because if something terrible happened to William and Kate and the kids, the Queen and Charles are very old, they're going to go at some stage, then you're left with King Andrew - no-one wants that.
- Is that true?! - No.
- Yeah! Cos you've got William, then you've got Kate, then you've got George, there's loads of them in between.
They're one light aircraft crash away AUDIENCE GROAN SPENCER: That's the same That's the same reason that the two founders of Coca-Cola don't fly together, just in case the plane goes down.
- Sure! - The recipe.
You know what I mean.
The people who know the Coca-Cola recipe don't fly together.
You think there's two people that know the Coca-Cola recipe? Yeah, they Vogue just went, "Yeah.
" There's two people making it, going, "Fucking hell, Bill! "We've got to make more, demand's huge!" What about KFC? Does the Colonel fly separately? That does my head in as well.
- What is it, a recipe of eight spices? - 11.
- 11? - Yeah.
- Tell you what it is - mostly fucking salt.
Let's get back to Meghan and Harry.
I don't blame them for wanting to leave.
You wouldn't want to hang around with that family, would you? Like, the nan's always down the horses, the grandad's a racist, the uncle hangs around with paedos.
- What are you pointing at me for?! - Sorry! Fucking hell! I knew I shouldn't have got these.
Sorry, Phil.
It's just the glasses.
No offence, Phil, but you look like a paedo and the victim.
OK, so shall we have a look and see whether Harry and Meghan are the most talked about thing? - Yes! - Yes, Megxit! Harry and Meghan say they'd now like to split their time between spending your money in the UK and spending your money in Canada.
Rob's team, what else have the nation been talking about? Oh, er, is it the return of Winter Love Island? Have you seen it? I love it.
I prefer the summer one, I don't like wanking with a cold.
Yeah, it's a weird one this year, though, like, it's called Love Island - it's in Cape Town.
It's a big old island, innit, Africa? I mean, I'm a bit disappointed it weren't proper Winter Love Island.
It's just the same, innit? So I thought it was going to be like, shrivelled bits, freezing cold.
In the Arctic, rock-hard nipples, jizz icicles hanging from the ceiling, proper winter.
That means you've got to do body shaving in the winter.
Most of the time it's like an unsponsored roundabout there.
October to May.
"It's like an unsponsored roundabout down there.
" APPLAUSE In winter - Katherine, what do you think? - So, I watched the show, a mid-30s lady.
- I'm so distracted - Will I let that go? LAUGHTER If everyone else is letting it go, I'll let it go.
Mid-30s? Yeah, go on.
You know exactly how old I am, you adopted me.
Anyway He was a small Thai boy who had a lot of work done.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, you watch it, right? You love it? I am distracted by the lack of skin care and sun protection.
It is really making it impossible for me to watch.
I can see them cooking, I can smell it.
It's really upsetting for me.
Like, it's just going to be Melanoma Island.
ROB: I was in South Africa once and I got burnt through a T-shirt.
I didn't know that was a thing.
I was on the beach and I got sunburn through a T-shirt.
And It's about time someone said it, gingers get too much flack.
Blondies burn the same.
KATHERINE: Yeah.
For years and years, gingers have taken it Blondes go, "We're dead.
We cannot take it!" I burnt through a T-shirt, mate! - Is that thing? - Yeah.
I went to Jamaica.
I put 50 on my head every day, red head.
Well, where do you go beyond 50? - You can get a 90.
- You can't get a 90! - I saw 100 once.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Spencer, what is your secret to tanning? What do you - Do you put oil on? - A bit of oil, yeah.
- Lots of oil.
- Oil.
- Oil with no factor.
You got antibiotics because he got blisters all over his lips.
- That was two weeks ago.
- No! He got blisters on his lips? He told you that was sunburn, did he? LAUGHTER "I just went into town, I've got terrible sunburn.
"On my winkie as well, I can't believe it!" - You are the colour I want my decking to be.
- Decking? LAUGHTER Actually, can we Can I take you to B&Q and get you colour matched? The thing about Love Island as well that I like is, there is - an educational sort of quality to the show.
- Is there? I actually learned a lot watching it.
Take a look at this revealing clip, it is pretty saucy.
This boy's favourite sex position is the butter churner.
What the fuck is that? Whoever this is though, I think I think the butter churner is ace.
Callum! A butter churner? I I need to brush up on my urban dictionary, I think.
So, basically, right, they are laying down on the bed.
You have got your legs over and it is just a bit of dipping action.
APPLAUSE I mean, I like a salty butter.
But come on! LAUGHTER Does anybody watch that and go, "Oh, I would love to get a butter churner"? Yeah, I did, yeah.
LAUGHTER What if you just watch it and you just go, "Uch!" Why would you say something ludicrous like your favourite - sex position is a butter churner? - What is yours? Well, what is your favourite sex position? No, I hate talking about sex.
No.
He is saying that butter churning is out.
I didn't know butter churning was out.
- Maybe I want butter churning to be in.
- There you go! Why go so niche with your choice of favourite sexual position? "What's your favourite sexual position?" "The rampant bat.
" Do you know what I mean? - Leave it at like - A great move, but hard to pull off.
LAUGHTER But, I get, mate I get a head rush hanging upside down.
But the good thing is, the blood is going somewhere, innit? Yeah! We can all do it.
Phil, I've noticed, er, you've been conspicuously absent on the last couple of series of Love Island.
Do you watch the show? Are you considering going on at some stage? Well, I mean This story does come out every time a series of Love Island is on.
You know, the newspapers go, well, more people have applied to be on Love Island than apply to Oxford and Cambridge.
Now, I went to Cambridge and it was a toss-up.
Um I think Love Island is a toss-up some nights.
Plus, Phil, you're thinking, oh, Oxford or Cambridge, Love Island? Do I want 50 grand of debt or half a million pounds, a blow job and a hammock? It does seem like the better option.
And those kids are NEVER going to university.
They think the Labour leadership contest is like, who gives birth the quickest.
They don't know anything! Nadine, what do you think of Love Island? I think it's all right.
I think like there's only so many thongs you can see before you like, "Oh, I'm kind of over it.
" I do not agree.
I could not disagree more strongly.
And they really like zoom right into the bums, too.
It's the only thing that gets you through the conversations, innit though, some days.
They sort of lie about what they want.
They go, "I'm here to find love.
" You're not, are you? Just be honest.
- Fame.
- I want a million Instagram followers, a Boohoo deal and a scaffolder from Wigan to fuck my head off.
- APPLAUSE - That's what I want.
See you later.
KATHERINE: But that's what Ollie said, Rob He left because he said, "Oh, I found out," after three days the posh hunter left.
He said, "No, I miss my ex-girlfriend, "I'm in love with her and this is about finding love.
" And I was sad to see him go because I think the planet's wildlife - were a lot safer while he was in.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER But his ex bird doesn't want to get back with him.
- It's because of the - How do you know that? How do you even know anything about them? Listen, they said it in the Daily Mail, it's true.
Have you two thought about maybe breaking up? We actually love each other.
She's just got this profound love of the Daily Mail and I just can't read it.
Yeah, but once you learn to read - LAUGHTER - .
.
you'll be able to get involved.
APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Love Island is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it is Love Island.
In the age of Me Too and political correctness, Love Island is essentially ITV2's way of saying, "Go on, treat yourself.
Have a wank.
" LAUGHTER That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we are still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Rob's team.
Is it Big Ben bong? They want Big Ben to bong for Brexit.
Big Ben bung sounds like a white bloke with dreadlocks that can get you weed.
I was just thinking that! Have you asked Big Ben bong? - Great line! - Tabloids love alliteration, don't they? They could have gone a bit further with it.
What about a big bong Big Ben bulldog Brexit bung us a bone, you bloody bastards? Could have really run with it.
I mean, you say that taking the piss, but actually, have a look at our Prime Minister talking about it in a typically baffling fashion.
People this morning might have seen in the newspapers a story - about the Brexit bongs at Big Ben.
- Bongs, yes.
- Do you think Do you think there should be bongs on January 31? - Well, the bongs cost £500,000, because - Very costly bongs.
Yes, but we are working up a plan so that people can bung a bob for a Big Ben bong if they LAUGHTER - Some people want to - Bung Bung? I haven't quite worked it out, but I love the fact that you're developing policy live on TV.
He's in charge! I think the use of the word "bob" to reference money, I think says everything you need to know about the kind of, the age of people who are up for Brexit.
I heard the word "bob" used in a film recently to reference money, and I thought about what the film was.
It was 1917.
Because that's when they last used the word Bob for money.
My uncle was actually called Bob, so as a kid I never understood when people said "Bob's your uncle.
" People go, "Oh, Bob's your uncle.
" I would go, "How the fuck do you know that?" After watching that about Boris, right, I can't believe He's so blonde.
I forget how blonde he is.
I don't want to get this blonde bandwagon today, but I think, was it his grandad was Turkish? How There is no Turkish in Boris whatsoever! What was his grandmother, a fucking Labrador? What's going on? - How is he still that blonde? - I love it! I can't wait to hear it.
I'm so glad that we've taken back control from the frivolous EU to talk about spending half a million pounds on a giant clock.
Does anyone know why it's going to cost 500K to ring the - To bang the bell? - Exactly! The clapper is missing, he said.
I think it might be because some of Rob's family are involved in the building work.
"How much? No, we can't Get it done in two weeks? "You're having a fucking laugh, mate.
" How badly What kind of state is this bell in? Just get a new bell.
For 500 grand, I'll get you a bell.
Give me 500 grand, I'll get you a bell you can bong.
Well I can tell you, Big Ben's bong campaign for Brexit is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
Please feel free to write into the show telling us Big Ben is only the name of the bell and the building itself is actually named the Elizabeth Tower, and don't forget to your mark your envelopes "pedantic twat".
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
The best story of the week.
- Is it Gwyneth Paltrow's fanny candle? - Yes.
Tell me everything you know about this.
She's made a candle that smells the same as her vagina.
- Yes.
- Thank God it wasn't just me that I thought I was the only one who heard about this.
Gwyneth Paltrow also sells vagina eggs.
It's, like, resistance training for drug mules.
You put an egg up yourself and then you go around all day and go to your CEO job or whatever, and then you have really strong pelvic floor.
And a lovely boiled egg when you get home! No, it's an extraordinary story.
So Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop has released a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina.
It sounds like an accident.
"This smells like my vagina?!" It sounds like Here's a picture of the candle everyone's making a fuss about.
It doesn't look like much, does it? We couldn't get the candle.
It's $75, but it's sold out.
It's sold out because Chris Martin bought them all to reminisce.
He's just lit them all in one room, just remembering.
- You could release a candle, couldn't you? Like a knob candle.
- Yeah! That smells of, like, Parmesan and jizz and WD-40.
Just stick a wick in a bit of a Gorgonzola.
That'll do.
Don't get me wrong, right, don't get me wrong here.
I love a vagina.
But, I'll be honest, the smell's not my favourite part.
It's all about context, isn't it? You want to smell a vagina when you're expecting to smell a vagina.
It's like toast.
If you're making toast, you can smell toast, great.
If you're not making toast and you can smell toast, - you need to call an ambulance.
- It's a stroke! Well, we've had one made up.
I don't know if you can read that.
But we've got the ingredients from their website of what was in it.
What's in it? - It's citrussy bergamot - Bergamot? She wishes it smelt like bergamot! - That is not - Have a go on that.
Is that what yours? - No, it's not.
- Let's have a look.
Well, I don't know, I don't smell it myself.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look.
I'll be the judge of this.
Oh, yeah, darling.
It is remarkably similar! It's actually a very nice candle.
Every single person who sees that candle is going to want to smell it, - aren't they? - No way.
No way.
Chris Martin would not have got divorced! Rob, let me give the other guys a go.
It's a lovely candle.
- It's very nice.
- You know the Goop thing isn't hers either? - It's not her Goop?! - No, no, no.
It's a bunch of investors paid her to be the spokesperson for it.
- It's not her company.
- Whose vagina have I just sniffed, then?! So many questions! Excuse me, on this site, we think our vaginas smell like this candle.
That is exactly what - my vagina smells like.
- Phil, go in and find out.
- Go on, Phil.
- Phil, listen LAUGHTER Always clean.
Listen, if it's really clean, I'm buying it.
- Yeah, but that is, like, fresh out the bath smell.
- Yeah.
That ain't after a night out dancing.
Well, Rob, that's all in the fine print.
That is weekend away spa break fresh out of the bath smell there.
This smells like Gwyneth It does say that in small print, actually.
I've just seen.
This smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina fresh out of the bath.
I want 3am at Tiger Tiger edition.
Whoa! Gamey! Willies don't smell great either, let's not all slag off - We haven't made a fucking candle of it! - Exactly! No-one is trying to - make you smell it! - I'll tell you why my willy doesn't smell nice.
It's because it's just been in a vagina.
That's a new low for us, isn't it? OK.
Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle! Gwyneth Paltrow's so up herself.
And so are her candles! Gwyneth Paltrow's got married again recently.
Who's the lucky fellow? Chris Martin.
He's well shot of her.
So those were the nation's most popular talking points.
- But in other news, the Masked Singer has been a huge hit.
- I love it.
You're constantly thinking, "Who is it, who is it?" And then they're unmasked, and you think, "Who is it?" And over in America, Donald Trump is being impeached, but his supporters were quick to leap to his defence.
Except for this guy, who embarrassingly couldn't remember why he liked Trump.
- What is something that you believe the president has done well? - Uh Hmm I I I just I'm not really sure.
I just support him.
America! At the end of that round, Rob's team have two points, Katherine team's have one point.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Rob's team, what you like the look of? - Oh, what do we like the look of? - Well, them, obviously.
- Spencer and Vogue, isn't it? We've got to go Spencer and Vogue.
- OK.
All right, you've chosen Spencer and Vogue.
Here is your related question SPENCER: Who's voting this lot? Has there been a poll or something? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's what the show is.
- There's been a poll? OK.
- You've got a reality TV show.
- Yeah.
- You were Made in Chelsea first, and then you've got your own show.
- Yeah.
- You've got your spin-off.
Let's have a look at the spin-off.
- Right.
You know, we hear that lots of movements can induce a child.
She sits on this big bouncy ball and bounces up and down.
One other thing we've been doing is trying to have more sexy times, because that supposedly helps labour come along.
That's not working either, probably because it's not lasting long enough, so the baby doesn't even realise it's happened.
My My I'm good at sex.
Plain and simple.
He's quick and efficient.
That to me is doing a good job.
Quick, efficient - Plain and simple.
- To you.
Plain and simple, quick, efficient, sort yourself out, thanks a lot.
- Good job.
- Sounds like you're talking about a yoghurt.
Have you thought, if you want it to last a little bit longer, can I recommend butter churning? - Yeah.
Hey, you know what, we should try the butter churner.
- OK.
- OK.
Well, sounds like we've got a finale for this show.
- Stay tuned, everyone.
- Yeah.
How often do you get followed round by the cameras? It's not as invasive as you'd think it is.
OK, so how often? Like, in a week? They're not going to follow us doing boring things.
They follow us No, I've seen the show, they do.
It's quite organised.
Nadine, do you watch any reality TV? Do you know what I love? - Have you been watching the SAS: Who Dares Wins? - ROB: Yeah.
I feel like because I'd done the jungle that I'm now - basically in the SAS.
- Yeah.
And, like, I can basically do to all of that stuff.
Because you hit your head? - KERRY: Did you enjoy doing it? - I did.
- Like, the eating? I think I got away pretty lightly.
You didn't eat kangaroo anus? Just one.
Do you know what it tasted like? And I actually like this - You know if you make, like, the fat on a steak - SPENCER: Yeah, delicious.
- Amazing! - The best bit.
- That's what it tasted like.
- Best bit.
So, I was like, I'm going to pretend this is really rough, like I was like, "Oh, I can do with another one, actually.
" I'd only do a reality show if I could get to do the VO on it.
I'd be like, "There's Rob, the big-dick legend" "Absolutely smashing the banter with the ladies there" - That kind of stuff.
- Yeah.
KATHERINE: There's not a lot of drama in my life.
If I had a reality show, the biggest drama would be, like, "Oh, the fridge is making a weird sound.
" And we'd end on a big mid-season cliff-hanger like, "Will Katherine's Uber driver carry her up the steps again?" "Yes.
" He's got to stop drugging you.
A show about my life would be awful.
It would just be me eating a malt loaf, shouting at Alexa.
The reality show I would like to see is TOWIE versus Made in Chelsea.
- Right.
- Like, a fight.
- I fought Wayne Bridge for Sport Relief - And he jabbed your head off - I got the shit kicked out of me.
- He absolutely destroyed you.
- Well, hang on - No, he jabbed your fucking head off, Spence.
- He did.
He did.
- You didn't get near him! - Let's not mess around.
I won the first round.
I won the first round.
- OK, if you want! - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER Phil, what do you reckon? Does anyone here watch the shoW Terrace House? - No.
- Does anyone watch Terrace House? - What, Coronation Street? No, it's It's the only reality show I watch.
It's about a bunch of really well-behaved, good Japanese people who suddenly have to live in a house together and get on.
Last week, they had to have a house meeting because one of the members didn't make lunch with a sufficient degree of honour.
So, there are ups and downs, but it's a really cracking show, Terrace House.
So, what would be in a Phil Wang reality show? Oh, what wouldn't it be? Erm A lot of - Pythagoras? - Erm Yeah, he's directing.
- He's very camera angles.
- Yeah, good at angles.
Sorry.
- That was good, wasn't it? - It was excellent, actually, yeah.
Good maths pun.
I think people didn't realise that it was good.
- It was so good I presumed you didn't mean to say it.
- Yeah, I did mean it.
- It was very good.
- OK, so what do you think? Let's get some answers on this.
- Rob? - We think true, but it actually wouldn't be.
I've only just realised that the question's not actually directed at us.
It's a general question.
Phwoar! I thought you were asking whether or not WE are interesting.
- No.
- I was like, "It's a bit shit if everyone says no.
" Do you know what I mean? - In general - Oh! God, true.
Yeah.
Everyone will think they want to be on a show.
Yeah.
Why did you marry him? - OK, and what do you think, Katherine? - What you think, Nadine? I think it's true.
I think people think the world revolves around them, so they would think, "Yes, we would make a great reality show.
" We're going to say true.
OK, so I can tell you the answer is false.
Only 36% of people think their life would make a good reality TV show.
A friend of mine got on that reality TV show One Born Every Minute.
She was absolutely dilated.
Now it's time for a quick bonus round.
Rob, Katherine, come and join me in the middle for a brand-new game for 2020.
It's called Is There a Duck? The rules of Is There a Duck? are simple.
Katherine, you'll be blindfolded.
- You'll have to guess if there's a duck.
- OK.
Rob, we've given you some classic duck-bluffing equipment.
You'll need Katherine to give me the wrong answer.
Now, Katherine, don't let the duck-bluffing equipment make you think that there's not going to be a duck.
There might be a duck.
Do you boss both understand the rules of Is There a Duck? Erm, no, but I'm up for a laugh.
- Let's play Is There a Duck? - Yes! - Now, Katherine, please - Shall I get in here? - .
.
enter the arena.
- Take a seat.
- OK.
I think we've got an eye mask and headphones for you to put on.
- Oh, yeah, lovely.
There's the eye mask.
- Eye mask.
- OK, so - Can a duck peck your vag off? That is what we're going to find out.
Those are noise-cancelling headphones, - so you won't be able to hear.
All right, OK.
- Right.
So, Rob, go and either get the duck or don't get the duck.
Katherine, can you hear me? - Yes.
- Oh.
LAUGHTER Well, I'm not sure what the point of the fucking earphones is.
Rob has gone to either get a duck or not to get a duck.
Audience, obviously, we're in on what's going on here, if there's a duck or not a duck, so you've got to just Keep shtoom.
Yeah.
OK, so you've got the duck-bluffing equipment to use.
Oh, yeah, I've got it.
OK, so, Katherine I mean, they didn't really do anything anyway So, is there a duck? ROB BLOWS DUCK CALL Ah! I still feel there is no duck.
That's a duck noise? Oh! I mean, that just sounds like London on any rainy day.
I sort of feel like Rob's having a ducking breakdown.
Ah.
I like that.
It's getting a bit weird now, isn't it? I'm not sure what we're doing any more.
Do you know what? Oh! Oh, my god! What if it's not a duck but something bigger? My God! What's bigger than a duck? - A tiger.
- Goose! - A tiger! It goes duck, goose, swan, doesn't it? Longer the neck, new bird.
That's how it works.
Duck's got a little neck, goose longer neck, swan biggest neck.
And then giraffe, but I don't think that's a bird.
Oh, I tell you, when Attenborough goes, he's got the job! Right.
I put it to you - is there a duck? I mean, a duck has not interacted with me, but I feel that there must be one.
Otherwise, you two guys are just tying up women and then being like, "Is there a duck?" And then they agree to, like, come into your weird fucking sex game Don't hate the player, hate the game.
OK, Katherine, so is there a duck? Final answer, please.
I think that this is a weird game between you two about power, and I don't think there was ever a duck.
OK, blindfold off.
Duck! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Rob! You fooled Katherine, you get a bonus point for your team.
So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Rob's team, one point for Katherine's team.
We're off to get some pancakes and hoisin sauce.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER What do you think, Phil? What do you feel guilty about? Um, when you tell the waiter that the meal was lovely, but there was a pube in your pasta.
Very British, yeah.
It's very British, and it wasn't lovely - it was full of pubes.
So, Phil, do you feel guilty that you - I feel guilty mainly that I put my pubes in that pasta.
- Oh.
I don't know why I did it.
Nadine, do you ever feel guilty about anything? If you say you're going to go do something, then you don't.
What have you said you will do and then you've not done? If I'm supposed to be in, like, three different places tonight, I'm, like, yeah, let's meet up for a drink tonight, yeah! We'll go for dinner, yeah! - Is someone waiting for you now? - I hope not.
See, now I feel guilty.
There we go.
Are these, like, romantic partners or are you in a relationship? Because I think, if you are seeing men, you should stand them up - a few times before you turn up.
- Yeah.
That's a good tactic.
- I think it's a strong opening.
- Yeah.
- Don't feel guilty about that.
- No.
I'll turn up in your place, and then they'll be, like, well, I'm already here.
The only reason we played that game is cos you organised drinks.
OK.
What do you think? What do people feel genuinely guilty about? I feel guilty that I gave my friend, who claimed to be lactose intolerant, some milk, just to see if she'd shit herself.
- You've got a test here.
How was your friend? - She shat herself.
Brits feel guilty about a whole array of things that vary in seriousness - hoovering after 8pm, forgetting World Book Day, colonialism, Ireland, when you step on them.
I've stepped on so many of you, and you're, like, sorry, sorry, sorry! What about you, Spencer? What do you feel guilty about? No, I don't really feel guilty about anything.
Spencer felt guilty about white privilege, but he fixed it.
There you go.
APPLAUSE That's pretty good.
What foods do you feel guilty about eating? What's your kind of Greggs and KFC.
No-one's happy with themselves after that, are they? You can never forget that you've had it that day, either.
There will always be a flake of pastry somewhere.
You could eat it with a fork, but you'll find one on your pants.
How the fuck did that bit of? Do you think anyone's ever eaten anything from Greggs with a knife and fork? Just out of a bag.
Out of a bag or a bucket.
I'm not livestock! I know I've got the look, but I am human! Gregg himself feels so guilty, he's not even the ambassador for his own brand.
Like, at least the Colonel will put his face on it, - but who's seen Gregg? - Who is Gregg? - Who's Gregg? What does he look like? He just washes himself with a rag on a stick at home.
Phil, what do you reckon? You haven't accidentally cut a queue.
You don't realise it's there.
That feels really terrible.
Even if someone's holding a place in the queue for me, like I'm there with a friend and I come back from the toilet or something, I am so vocal about being friends with that person.
I'm, like, Joe! Good to see you again, Joe! It's been a long time since I went to the toilet there! It's my friend, Joe, everyone, who I'm queueing with.
I'm not cutting at all.
Please don't kill me! That's something I feel guilty about.
He does it at the airport.
We're not fast track, and he just goes into fast track.
It's so embarrassing.
For example, if you're flying economy and you haven't got a first-class ticket and there's no-one in the first-class queue, if you go down the first-class queue, they will check you in.
She hates it.
She's, like, argh! And she has to stand.
I think she might hate it cos she thought she might marry someone that'll be in first class.
APPLAUSE OK.
So top thing Brits feel guilty about.
What do you think? - Being overindulgent.
- Mm I'm going to give you that.
It's not sticking to a diet.
It's near enough.
Yes, the top thing British people feel guilty about is not sticking to a diet.
I'm not saying that we're a nation full of fatties but, these days, the only diet most Brits have tried is diabetes.
OK.
Here's your final question.
- Oh! - BUZZER What do you think? Is it when it's really expensive and it takes ages, and they end up leaving the Royal family anyway? APPLAUSE It's a good answer.
Is it knowing that you're taking part in the patriarchy in exchange for Prosecco? - Yes! - What do you think, Nadine? Do you like a wedding? I think the ceremonies especially at Catholic weddings take forever, and then you're supposed to stay sober from the morning until the end of the night.
- What? - You're not.
- Have you not been to a wedding? What are you talking about? - I think - You think you're meant to stay sober at a wedding? - You are! - Have some form of decorum! - Go to a Catholic funeral - they take ages! Those are better! I prefer the funerals than Catholics at the wedding.
- You prefer a funeral to a wedding? - In Ireland, yeah! - Only in Ireland, yeah.
- I find it frustrating when someone's, like, you know, 27, 28 and getting married and, like, oh, my God! It's going to be the greatest day of my life! Have some fucking ambition! - Yeah.
- You've got another 50 years! How can the greatest day of your life involve both sets of parents? It would have been all right, never mind the greatest day of your life! I loved mine.
- Greatest day of your life, wasn't it? - Yeah, I loved it.
I think it's all the stuff leading up to the wedding as well for women that gets out of hand.
I got married a few months ago, but I had, like, a very small hen do where I did this genius thing.
We turned up at Gatwick 6am, got really, really hammered, and then we just stayed there for the whole day, drinking, and then we were home in our own beds that night.
You don't actually have to go anywhere.
Women love taking in, like, loads of cocks on a hen do, don't they? - Oh, yes.
- Why are you doing that mime? The girth! It's all about the girth! I saw some women out on a hen do, and, like, all the women had a sash saying "I love cock", in case there was any ambiguity.
And then they had an inflatable cock and, at the end of the night, they were all sort of getting in a cab, and then one of the other girls went, you're going to have to walk, Judy, or get another cab cos there's no room for you and the inflatable cock! The best thing about a wedding is the dancing, isn't it? All the YMCA.
A conga - you've really got to have some core strength.
- You've got to stretch.
- Yeah.
- The confidence to lead a conga! There's two types of conga leaders.
There's one that everyone knows and loves at a wedding - the absolute legend everyone knows who's going to start it all.
You just get the pissed lunatic.
Before you know it, you're going down the off-licence for a bottle of Where's this geezer taking me? He's already had three bottles of Southern Comfort! We're going for a drive-through! Anyone want some Maccy D's? When I go to weddings, I hate that bit where they say, "Anyone object?" And there's just a little giggle.
Oh! And you know the louder the giggle, the better chance he's got of side pussy in the room? - Side pussy! - Maybe they shouldn't say, "Does anyone object?" Maybe they should just go direct to the, "Is there any side pussy in the room?" I'll tell you what's difficult at a wedding - trying to watch the football on your phone under the table.
There's always a good game on there at about 5 o'clock and you're just trying to pretend to listen to the speech.
Just looking up, going, I do.
APPLAUSE - Yes.
- Is it the speeches people don't like? - The speeches.
People just drag stuff out.
Just get on with it! Go into a chapel or wherever you want to do it, have a nice little service, maybe a little singsong, 20 minutes, sit down, have some lunch, a few glasses of champagne, out! - Did you do a speech? - My speech was very good, thank you, mate.
- It was nice and short.
It was about 3.
5 minutes long.
- A bit like sex.
APPLAUSE - Phil, are you a married man? - No, I'm not married.
As a single person, I think going to a wedding is a very fraught experience, especially the dancing bit where you're always either dancing with someone too old or too young to have sex with.
Hardly anyone fits that Goldilocks point of age, you know.
Either this porridge is too wrinkly, or this porridge is illegal.
- This porridge is too hot! - This porridge is related.
OK.
- Katherine, I think you said it earlier.
- It's so expensive! Points to Katherine.
You got it right.
Well done! Yes, the worst thing about going to weddings is it's expensive.
There are ways of saving money at weddings, though - just go up to the pile of presents, pick the biggest one, and where it says "from" just write "and Jimmy".
BUZZER Well, that sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, and I can tell you that Rob's team are the winners! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
And facing them tonight, the original Derry Girl, it's Nadine Coyle! Show her the funny, it's Kerry Godliman! And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 44% of vegans live alone? I'm not surprised.
You can only open so many windows.
40% of Brits wouldn't give up their seat for a pregnant woman.
I got into trouble when I offered my seat to someone I thought was pregnant.
Turned out - just fat.
He was LIVID.
And 2% of Brits connect to the internet using a dongle.
I almost broke my dongle using the internet.
It completely overheated and started leaking.
Turns out it was a virus.
Right, let's get started! What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Katherine's team, what has the nation been talking about for the last week? - Megxit? - Megxit! Megxit, they're calling it Megxit because, meh, we're out of ideas.
Everyone's saying it's her fault.
Like, "Oh, I don't trust Meghan, I don't like the look of her, "it's all Meghan, she's manipulative.
" It's amazing how much men can get away with.
Like, Harry dressed like a Nazi, fought in a war, he's naked in Vegas, taking drugs, all he had to do to wipe the slate clean was marry a black woman and fly economy.
And now everyone's like, "He's the Duke of Woke!" It's very confusing to me, because Meghan Markle has done backwards exactly my life.
So, like, I was a waitress who hooked up with a creep from a trash family, and I left Canada because I wasn't getting enough attention.
LAUGHTER Spencer and Vogue, do you know them personally? - Are you friends with them? - No, we don't know them, sadly.
- I'd like their job - their old one.
- Yeah.
I think ultimately, everyone would be more comfortable with them doing whatever they want if they did it properly.
If they'd told the Queen and done it normally, it would have probably been all right I don't know about you, but I've never run anything I've done in my life past my nana.
Literally nothing.
The idea that they have to must be so difficult to explain to your hot new girlfriend.
"Oh, yeah, we've got to just run that by my nan, because "No, I know I know I'm your man and I love you and you love me, "but I just want to get permission from my nan, "but she's got to talk to my grandad first, "then we'll see what my dad says.
"And then I'll get back to you.
" What?! Rob, what do you think? Well, it's not gone smoothly, has it? Let's be honest.
I think it would be easier to leave Isis than the Royal family.
I think that jihadi bride looks less stressed than Meghan.
Do you think the jihadi brides are looking at it going, "Fucking hell, she's having a rough ride"? Nadine, what do you think? What was annoying that she done was, she was deliberately moving her coat out of the way, so's we could all see the bump.
That is one of my pet hates, I cannot bear it when pregnant people just constantly It's like, it's not going to fall out! It would be more eerie if her hands were just by her side the whole time.
Like a mannequin.
Or just like that.
Like, resting her arms It's a nice shelf, it's a nice shelf when you've got one.
- Resting a pint on it.
- Yeah.
- So, Harry and Meghan.
- Yup.
- Yes! LAUGHTER It's kind of hard to understand how you retire from not having a job.
They've just got back from a six-week vacation in Canada, and they've landed and the first thing they've said is, "Whoa, this is too much work!" They've just gone on holiday, they've had a nice holiday, and we've all done it, when you come back, you think, right, I'm going to home-school the kids and we'll make goat's cheese in the Dordogne, then.
- Just throw it all in.
- I think you've nailed it.
I think it's that thing where you're on holiday and you're like, two bottles of Bailey's in, going, - "Do you know what?" - "I'm not going back!" - "I'm never going back! - "I'm not going back, Harry!" - "You can't make me go back!" "Don't make me go back! I can't stand your nan!" I love the way that on the front covers of all the papers, it was, like, close-ups of all the different royals and saying, like, "Oh, the Queen looks disgruntled.
" Is just the same face, they're like She's never had a different face.
They said since Philip looks upset.
He's only ever got one face - dead.
That's his face.
I've never seen an alive person look more dead.
Spencer, Vogue - you're in the limelight now in the UK, you've got your own reality TV show, so if you ever wanted to escape it all, would you move abroad? Would you emigrate? No, we just went away for a month and I felt really lazy towards the end of it.
- Where did you go? - St Barts.
To the sun, by looking at him! Fucking hell, mate.
That is a tan, innit? He's actually topless.
I would describe your tan this evening as borderline racist.
My problem with this is, people say, oh, you know, Harry and Meghan, you should let them do whatever they want, people think it doesn't make any difference, but it does make a difference.
Because if something terrible happened to William and Kate and the kids, the Queen and Charles are very old, they're going to go at some stage, then you're left with King Andrew - no-one wants that.
- Is that true?! - No.
- Yeah! Cos you've got William, then you've got Kate, then you've got George, there's loads of them in between.
They're one light aircraft crash away AUDIENCE GROAN SPENCER: That's the same That's the same reason that the two founders of Coca-Cola don't fly together, just in case the plane goes down.
- Sure! - The recipe.
You know what I mean.
The people who know the Coca-Cola recipe don't fly together.
You think there's two people that know the Coca-Cola recipe? Yeah, they Vogue just went, "Yeah.
" There's two people making it, going, "Fucking hell, Bill! "We've got to make more, demand's huge!" What about KFC? Does the Colonel fly separately? That does my head in as well.
- What is it, a recipe of eight spices? - 11.
- 11? - Yeah.
- Tell you what it is - mostly fucking salt.
Let's get back to Meghan and Harry.
I don't blame them for wanting to leave.
You wouldn't want to hang around with that family, would you? Like, the nan's always down the horses, the grandad's a racist, the uncle hangs around with paedos.
- What are you pointing at me for?! - Sorry! Fucking hell! I knew I shouldn't have got these.
Sorry, Phil.
It's just the glasses.
No offence, Phil, but you look like a paedo and the victim.
OK, so shall we have a look and see whether Harry and Meghan are the most talked about thing? - Yes! - Yes, Megxit! Harry and Meghan say they'd now like to split their time between spending your money in the UK and spending your money in Canada.
Rob's team, what else have the nation been talking about? Oh, er, is it the return of Winter Love Island? Have you seen it? I love it.
I prefer the summer one, I don't like wanking with a cold.
Yeah, it's a weird one this year, though, like, it's called Love Island - it's in Cape Town.
It's a big old island, innit, Africa? I mean, I'm a bit disappointed it weren't proper Winter Love Island.
It's just the same, innit? So I thought it was going to be like, shrivelled bits, freezing cold.
In the Arctic, rock-hard nipples, jizz icicles hanging from the ceiling, proper winter.
That means you've got to do body shaving in the winter.
Most of the time it's like an unsponsored roundabout there.
October to May.
"It's like an unsponsored roundabout down there.
" APPLAUSE In winter - Katherine, what do you think? - So, I watched the show, a mid-30s lady.
- I'm so distracted - Will I let that go? LAUGHTER If everyone else is letting it go, I'll let it go.
Mid-30s? Yeah, go on.
You know exactly how old I am, you adopted me.
Anyway He was a small Thai boy who had a lot of work done.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, you watch it, right? You love it? I am distracted by the lack of skin care and sun protection.
It is really making it impossible for me to watch.
I can see them cooking, I can smell it.
It's really upsetting for me.
Like, it's just going to be Melanoma Island.
ROB: I was in South Africa once and I got burnt through a T-shirt.
I didn't know that was a thing.
I was on the beach and I got sunburn through a T-shirt.
And It's about time someone said it, gingers get too much flack.
Blondies burn the same.
KATHERINE: Yeah.
For years and years, gingers have taken it Blondes go, "We're dead.
We cannot take it!" I burnt through a T-shirt, mate! - Is that thing? - Yeah.
I went to Jamaica.
I put 50 on my head every day, red head.
Well, where do you go beyond 50? - You can get a 90.
- You can't get a 90! - I saw 100 once.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Spencer, what is your secret to tanning? What do you - Do you put oil on? - A bit of oil, yeah.
- Lots of oil.
- Oil.
- Oil with no factor.
You got antibiotics because he got blisters all over his lips.
- That was two weeks ago.
- No! He got blisters on his lips? He told you that was sunburn, did he? LAUGHTER "I just went into town, I've got terrible sunburn.
"On my winkie as well, I can't believe it!" - You are the colour I want my decking to be.
- Decking? LAUGHTER Actually, can we Can I take you to B&Q and get you colour matched? The thing about Love Island as well that I like is, there is - an educational sort of quality to the show.
- Is there? I actually learned a lot watching it.
Take a look at this revealing clip, it is pretty saucy.
This boy's favourite sex position is the butter churner.
What the fuck is that? Whoever this is though, I think I think the butter churner is ace.
Callum! A butter churner? I I need to brush up on my urban dictionary, I think.
So, basically, right, they are laying down on the bed.
You have got your legs over and it is just a bit of dipping action.
APPLAUSE I mean, I like a salty butter.
But come on! LAUGHTER Does anybody watch that and go, "Oh, I would love to get a butter churner"? Yeah, I did, yeah.
LAUGHTER What if you just watch it and you just go, "Uch!" Why would you say something ludicrous like your favourite - sex position is a butter churner? - What is yours? Well, what is your favourite sex position? No, I hate talking about sex.
No.
He is saying that butter churning is out.
I didn't know butter churning was out.
- Maybe I want butter churning to be in.
- There you go! Why go so niche with your choice of favourite sexual position? "What's your favourite sexual position?" "The rampant bat.
" Do you know what I mean? - Leave it at like - A great move, but hard to pull off.
LAUGHTER But, I get, mate I get a head rush hanging upside down.
But the good thing is, the blood is going somewhere, innit? Yeah! We can all do it.
Phil, I've noticed, er, you've been conspicuously absent on the last couple of series of Love Island.
Do you watch the show? Are you considering going on at some stage? Well, I mean This story does come out every time a series of Love Island is on.
You know, the newspapers go, well, more people have applied to be on Love Island than apply to Oxford and Cambridge.
Now, I went to Cambridge and it was a toss-up.
Um I think Love Island is a toss-up some nights.
Plus, Phil, you're thinking, oh, Oxford or Cambridge, Love Island? Do I want 50 grand of debt or half a million pounds, a blow job and a hammock? It does seem like the better option.
And those kids are NEVER going to university.
They think the Labour leadership contest is like, who gives birth the quickest.
They don't know anything! Nadine, what do you think of Love Island? I think it's all right.
I think like there's only so many thongs you can see before you like, "Oh, I'm kind of over it.
" I do not agree.
I could not disagree more strongly.
And they really like zoom right into the bums, too.
It's the only thing that gets you through the conversations, innit though, some days.
They sort of lie about what they want.
They go, "I'm here to find love.
" You're not, are you? Just be honest.
- Fame.
- I want a million Instagram followers, a Boohoo deal and a scaffolder from Wigan to fuck my head off.
- APPLAUSE - That's what I want.
See you later.
KATHERINE: But that's what Ollie said, Rob He left because he said, "Oh, I found out," after three days the posh hunter left.
He said, "No, I miss my ex-girlfriend, "I'm in love with her and this is about finding love.
" And I was sad to see him go because I think the planet's wildlife - were a lot safer while he was in.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER But his ex bird doesn't want to get back with him.
- It's because of the - How do you know that? How do you even know anything about them? Listen, they said it in the Daily Mail, it's true.
Have you two thought about maybe breaking up? We actually love each other.
She's just got this profound love of the Daily Mail and I just can't read it.
Yeah, but once you learn to read - LAUGHTER - .
.
you'll be able to get involved.
APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if Love Island is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it is Love Island.
In the age of Me Too and political correctness, Love Island is essentially ITV2's way of saying, "Go on, treat yourself.
Have a wank.
" LAUGHTER That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we are still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Rob's team.
Is it Big Ben bong? They want Big Ben to bong for Brexit.
Big Ben bung sounds like a white bloke with dreadlocks that can get you weed.
I was just thinking that! Have you asked Big Ben bong? - Great line! - Tabloids love alliteration, don't they? They could have gone a bit further with it.
What about a big bong Big Ben bulldog Brexit bung us a bone, you bloody bastards? Could have really run with it.
I mean, you say that taking the piss, but actually, have a look at our Prime Minister talking about it in a typically baffling fashion.
People this morning might have seen in the newspapers a story - about the Brexit bongs at Big Ben.
- Bongs, yes.
- Do you think Do you think there should be bongs on January 31? - Well, the bongs cost £500,000, because - Very costly bongs.
Yes, but we are working up a plan so that people can bung a bob for a Big Ben bong if they LAUGHTER - Some people want to - Bung Bung? I haven't quite worked it out, but I love the fact that you're developing policy live on TV.
He's in charge! I think the use of the word "bob" to reference money, I think says everything you need to know about the kind of, the age of people who are up for Brexit.
I heard the word "bob" used in a film recently to reference money, and I thought about what the film was.
It was 1917.
Because that's when they last used the word Bob for money.
My uncle was actually called Bob, so as a kid I never understood when people said "Bob's your uncle.
" People go, "Oh, Bob's your uncle.
" I would go, "How the fuck do you know that?" After watching that about Boris, right, I can't believe He's so blonde.
I forget how blonde he is.
I don't want to get this blonde bandwagon today, but I think, was it his grandad was Turkish? How There is no Turkish in Boris whatsoever! What was his grandmother, a fucking Labrador? What's going on? - How is he still that blonde? - I love it! I can't wait to hear it.
I'm so glad that we've taken back control from the frivolous EU to talk about spending half a million pounds on a giant clock.
Does anyone know why it's going to cost 500K to ring the - To bang the bell? - Exactly! The clapper is missing, he said.
I think it might be because some of Rob's family are involved in the building work.
"How much? No, we can't Get it done in two weeks? "You're having a fucking laugh, mate.
" How badly What kind of state is this bell in? Just get a new bell.
For 500 grand, I'll get you a bell.
Give me 500 grand, I'll get you a bell you can bong.
Well I can tell you, Big Ben's bong campaign for Brexit is not one of the most talked-about things this week.
Please feel free to write into the show telling us Big Ben is only the name of the bell and the building itself is actually named the Elizabeth Tower, and don't forget to your mark your envelopes "pedantic twat".
OK, one more thing to get.
Fingers on buzzers.
The best story of the week.
- Is it Gwyneth Paltrow's fanny candle? - Yes.
Tell me everything you know about this.
She's made a candle that smells the same as her vagina.
- Yes.
- Thank God it wasn't just me that I thought I was the only one who heard about this.
Gwyneth Paltrow also sells vagina eggs.
It's, like, resistance training for drug mules.
You put an egg up yourself and then you go around all day and go to your CEO job or whatever, and then you have really strong pelvic floor.
And a lovely boiled egg when you get home! No, it's an extraordinary story.
So Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand Goop has released a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina.
It sounds like an accident.
"This smells like my vagina?!" It sounds like Here's a picture of the candle everyone's making a fuss about.
It doesn't look like much, does it? We couldn't get the candle.
It's $75, but it's sold out.
It's sold out because Chris Martin bought them all to reminisce.
He's just lit them all in one room, just remembering.
- You could release a candle, couldn't you? Like a knob candle.
- Yeah! That smells of, like, Parmesan and jizz and WD-40.
Just stick a wick in a bit of a Gorgonzola.
That'll do.
Don't get me wrong, right, don't get me wrong here.
I love a vagina.
But, I'll be honest, the smell's not my favourite part.
It's all about context, isn't it? You want to smell a vagina when you're expecting to smell a vagina.
It's like toast.
If you're making toast, you can smell toast, great.
If you're not making toast and you can smell toast, - you need to call an ambulance.
- It's a stroke! Well, we've had one made up.
I don't know if you can read that.
But we've got the ingredients from their website of what was in it.
What's in it? - It's citrussy bergamot - Bergamot? She wishes it smelt like bergamot! - That is not - Have a go on that.
Is that what yours? - No, it's not.
- Let's have a look.
Well, I don't know, I don't smell it myself.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look.
I'll be the judge of this.
Oh, yeah, darling.
It is remarkably similar! It's actually a very nice candle.
Every single person who sees that candle is going to want to smell it, - aren't they? - No way.
No way.
Chris Martin would not have got divorced! Rob, let me give the other guys a go.
It's a lovely candle.
- It's very nice.
- You know the Goop thing isn't hers either? - It's not her Goop?! - No, no, no.
It's a bunch of investors paid her to be the spokesperson for it.
- It's not her company.
- Whose vagina have I just sniffed, then?! So many questions! Excuse me, on this site, we think our vaginas smell like this candle.
That is exactly what - my vagina smells like.
- Phil, go in and find out.
- Go on, Phil.
- Phil, listen LAUGHTER Always clean.
Listen, if it's really clean, I'm buying it.
- Yeah, but that is, like, fresh out the bath smell.
- Yeah.
That ain't after a night out dancing.
Well, Rob, that's all in the fine print.
That is weekend away spa break fresh out of the bath smell there.
This smells like Gwyneth It does say that in small print, actually.
I've just seen.
This smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina fresh out of the bath.
I want 3am at Tiger Tiger edition.
Whoa! Gamey! Willies don't smell great either, let's not all slag off - We haven't made a fucking candle of it! - Exactly! No-one is trying to - make you smell it! - I'll tell you why my willy doesn't smell nice.
It's because it's just been in a vagina.
That's a new low for us, isn't it? OK.
Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle! Gwyneth Paltrow's so up herself.
And so are her candles! Gwyneth Paltrow's got married again recently.
Who's the lucky fellow? Chris Martin.
He's well shot of her.
So those were the nation's most popular talking points.
- But in other news, the Masked Singer has been a huge hit.
- I love it.
You're constantly thinking, "Who is it, who is it?" And then they're unmasked, and you think, "Who is it?" And over in America, Donald Trump is being impeached, but his supporters were quick to leap to his defence.
Except for this guy, who embarrassingly couldn't remember why he liked Trump.
- What is something that you believe the president has done well? - Uh Hmm I I I just I'm not really sure.
I just support him.
America! At the end of that round, Rob's team have two points, Katherine team's have one point.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Rob's team, what you like the look of? - Oh, what do we like the look of? - Well, them, obviously.
- Spencer and Vogue, isn't it? We've got to go Spencer and Vogue.
- OK.
All right, you've chosen Spencer and Vogue.
Here is your related question SPENCER: Who's voting this lot? Has there been a poll or something? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's what the show is.
- There's been a poll? OK.
- You've got a reality TV show.
- Yeah.
- You were Made in Chelsea first, and then you've got your own show.
- Yeah.
- You've got your spin-off.
Let's have a look at the spin-off.
- Right.
You know, we hear that lots of movements can induce a child.
She sits on this big bouncy ball and bounces up and down.
One other thing we've been doing is trying to have more sexy times, because that supposedly helps labour come along.
That's not working either, probably because it's not lasting long enough, so the baby doesn't even realise it's happened.
My My I'm good at sex.
Plain and simple.
He's quick and efficient.
That to me is doing a good job.
Quick, efficient - Plain and simple.
- To you.
Plain and simple, quick, efficient, sort yourself out, thanks a lot.
- Good job.
- Sounds like you're talking about a yoghurt.
Have you thought, if you want it to last a little bit longer, can I recommend butter churning? - Yeah.
Hey, you know what, we should try the butter churner.
- OK.
- OK.
Well, sounds like we've got a finale for this show.
- Stay tuned, everyone.
- Yeah.
How often do you get followed round by the cameras? It's not as invasive as you'd think it is.
OK, so how often? Like, in a week? They're not going to follow us doing boring things.
They follow us No, I've seen the show, they do.
It's quite organised.
Nadine, do you watch any reality TV? Do you know what I love? - Have you been watching the SAS: Who Dares Wins? - ROB: Yeah.
I feel like because I'd done the jungle that I'm now - basically in the SAS.
- Yeah.
And, like, I can basically do to all of that stuff.
Because you hit your head? - KERRY: Did you enjoy doing it? - I did.
- Like, the eating? I think I got away pretty lightly.
You didn't eat kangaroo anus? Just one.
Do you know what it tasted like? And I actually like this - You know if you make, like, the fat on a steak - SPENCER: Yeah, delicious.
- Amazing! - The best bit.
- That's what it tasted like.
- Best bit.
So, I was like, I'm going to pretend this is really rough, like I was like, "Oh, I can do with another one, actually.
" I'd only do a reality show if I could get to do the VO on it.
I'd be like, "There's Rob, the big-dick legend" "Absolutely smashing the banter with the ladies there" - That kind of stuff.
- Yeah.
KATHERINE: There's not a lot of drama in my life.
If I had a reality show, the biggest drama would be, like, "Oh, the fridge is making a weird sound.
" And we'd end on a big mid-season cliff-hanger like, "Will Katherine's Uber driver carry her up the steps again?" "Yes.
" He's got to stop drugging you.
A show about my life would be awful.
It would just be me eating a malt loaf, shouting at Alexa.
The reality show I would like to see is TOWIE versus Made in Chelsea.
- Right.
- Like, a fight.
- I fought Wayne Bridge for Sport Relief - And he jabbed your head off - I got the shit kicked out of me.
- He absolutely destroyed you.
- Well, hang on - No, he jabbed your fucking head off, Spence.
- He did.
He did.
- You didn't get near him! - Let's not mess around.
I won the first round.
I won the first round.
- OK, if you want! - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER Phil, what do you reckon? Does anyone here watch the shoW Terrace House? - No.
- Does anyone watch Terrace House? - What, Coronation Street? No, it's It's the only reality show I watch.
It's about a bunch of really well-behaved, good Japanese people who suddenly have to live in a house together and get on.
Last week, they had to have a house meeting because one of the members didn't make lunch with a sufficient degree of honour.
So, there are ups and downs, but it's a really cracking show, Terrace House.
So, what would be in a Phil Wang reality show? Oh, what wouldn't it be? Erm A lot of - Pythagoras? - Erm Yeah, he's directing.
- He's very camera angles.
- Yeah, good at angles.
Sorry.
- That was good, wasn't it? - It was excellent, actually, yeah.
Good maths pun.
I think people didn't realise that it was good.
- It was so good I presumed you didn't mean to say it.
- Yeah, I did mean it.
- It was very good.
- OK, so what do you think? Let's get some answers on this.
- Rob? - We think true, but it actually wouldn't be.
I've only just realised that the question's not actually directed at us.
It's a general question.
Phwoar! I thought you were asking whether or not WE are interesting.
- No.
- I was like, "It's a bit shit if everyone says no.
" Do you know what I mean? - In general - Oh! God, true.
Yeah.
Everyone will think they want to be on a show.
Yeah.
Why did you marry him? - OK, and what do you think, Katherine? - What you think, Nadine? I think it's true.
I think people think the world revolves around them, so they would think, "Yes, we would make a great reality show.
" We're going to say true.
OK, so I can tell you the answer is false.
Only 36% of people think their life would make a good reality TV show.
A friend of mine got on that reality TV show One Born Every Minute.
She was absolutely dilated.
Now it's time for a quick bonus round.
Rob, Katherine, come and join me in the middle for a brand-new game for 2020.
It's called Is There a Duck? The rules of Is There a Duck? are simple.
Katherine, you'll be blindfolded.
- You'll have to guess if there's a duck.
- OK.
Rob, we've given you some classic duck-bluffing equipment.
You'll need Katherine to give me the wrong answer.
Now, Katherine, don't let the duck-bluffing equipment make you think that there's not going to be a duck.
There might be a duck.
Do you boss both understand the rules of Is There a Duck? Erm, no, but I'm up for a laugh.
- Let's play Is There a Duck? - Yes! - Now, Katherine, please - Shall I get in here? - .
.
enter the arena.
- Take a seat.
- OK.
I think we've got an eye mask and headphones for you to put on.
- Oh, yeah, lovely.
There's the eye mask.
- Eye mask.
- OK, so - Can a duck peck your vag off? That is what we're going to find out.
Those are noise-cancelling headphones, - so you won't be able to hear.
All right, OK.
- Right.
So, Rob, go and either get the duck or don't get the duck.
Katherine, can you hear me? - Yes.
- Oh.
LAUGHTER Well, I'm not sure what the point of the fucking earphones is.
Rob has gone to either get a duck or not to get a duck.
Audience, obviously, we're in on what's going on here, if there's a duck or not a duck, so you've got to just Keep shtoom.
Yeah.
OK, so you've got the duck-bluffing equipment to use.
Oh, yeah, I've got it.
OK, so, Katherine I mean, they didn't really do anything anyway So, is there a duck? ROB BLOWS DUCK CALL Ah! I still feel there is no duck.
That's a duck noise? Oh! I mean, that just sounds like London on any rainy day.
I sort of feel like Rob's having a ducking breakdown.
Ah.
I like that.
It's getting a bit weird now, isn't it? I'm not sure what we're doing any more.
Do you know what? Oh! Oh, my god! What if it's not a duck but something bigger? My God! What's bigger than a duck? - A tiger.
- Goose! - A tiger! It goes duck, goose, swan, doesn't it? Longer the neck, new bird.
That's how it works.
Duck's got a little neck, goose longer neck, swan biggest neck.
And then giraffe, but I don't think that's a bird.
Oh, I tell you, when Attenborough goes, he's got the job! Right.
I put it to you - is there a duck? I mean, a duck has not interacted with me, but I feel that there must be one.
Otherwise, you two guys are just tying up women and then being like, "Is there a duck?" And then they agree to, like, come into your weird fucking sex game Don't hate the player, hate the game.
OK, Katherine, so is there a duck? Final answer, please.
I think that this is a weird game between you two about power, and I don't think there was ever a duck.
OK, blindfold off.
Duck! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, Rob! You fooled Katherine, you get a bonus point for your team.
So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Rob's team, one point for Katherine's team.
We're off to get some pancakes and hoisin sauce.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
BUZZER What do you think, Phil? What do you feel guilty about? Um, when you tell the waiter that the meal was lovely, but there was a pube in your pasta.
Very British, yeah.
It's very British, and it wasn't lovely - it was full of pubes.
So, Phil, do you feel guilty that you - I feel guilty mainly that I put my pubes in that pasta.
- Oh.
I don't know why I did it.
Nadine, do you ever feel guilty about anything? If you say you're going to go do something, then you don't.
What have you said you will do and then you've not done? If I'm supposed to be in, like, three different places tonight, I'm, like, yeah, let's meet up for a drink tonight, yeah! We'll go for dinner, yeah! - Is someone waiting for you now? - I hope not.
See, now I feel guilty.
There we go.
Are these, like, romantic partners or are you in a relationship? Because I think, if you are seeing men, you should stand them up - a few times before you turn up.
- Yeah.
That's a good tactic.
- I think it's a strong opening.
- Yeah.
- Don't feel guilty about that.
- No.
I'll turn up in your place, and then they'll be, like, well, I'm already here.
The only reason we played that game is cos you organised drinks.
OK.
What do you think? What do people feel genuinely guilty about? I feel guilty that I gave my friend, who claimed to be lactose intolerant, some milk, just to see if she'd shit herself.
- You've got a test here.
How was your friend? - She shat herself.
Brits feel guilty about a whole array of things that vary in seriousness - hoovering after 8pm, forgetting World Book Day, colonialism, Ireland, when you step on them.
I've stepped on so many of you, and you're, like, sorry, sorry, sorry! What about you, Spencer? What do you feel guilty about? No, I don't really feel guilty about anything.
Spencer felt guilty about white privilege, but he fixed it.
There you go.
APPLAUSE That's pretty good.
What foods do you feel guilty about eating? What's your kind of Greggs and KFC.
No-one's happy with themselves after that, are they? You can never forget that you've had it that day, either.
There will always be a flake of pastry somewhere.
You could eat it with a fork, but you'll find one on your pants.
How the fuck did that bit of? Do you think anyone's ever eaten anything from Greggs with a knife and fork? Just out of a bag.
Out of a bag or a bucket.
I'm not livestock! I know I've got the look, but I am human! Gregg himself feels so guilty, he's not even the ambassador for his own brand.
Like, at least the Colonel will put his face on it, - but who's seen Gregg? - Who is Gregg? - Who's Gregg? What does he look like? He just washes himself with a rag on a stick at home.
Phil, what do you reckon? You haven't accidentally cut a queue.
You don't realise it's there.
That feels really terrible.
Even if someone's holding a place in the queue for me, like I'm there with a friend and I come back from the toilet or something, I am so vocal about being friends with that person.
I'm, like, Joe! Good to see you again, Joe! It's been a long time since I went to the toilet there! It's my friend, Joe, everyone, who I'm queueing with.
I'm not cutting at all.
Please don't kill me! That's something I feel guilty about.
He does it at the airport.
We're not fast track, and he just goes into fast track.
It's so embarrassing.
For example, if you're flying economy and you haven't got a first-class ticket and there's no-one in the first-class queue, if you go down the first-class queue, they will check you in.
She hates it.
She's, like, argh! And she has to stand.
I think she might hate it cos she thought she might marry someone that'll be in first class.
APPLAUSE OK.
So top thing Brits feel guilty about.
What do you think? - Being overindulgent.
- Mm I'm going to give you that.
It's not sticking to a diet.
It's near enough.
Yes, the top thing British people feel guilty about is not sticking to a diet.
I'm not saying that we're a nation full of fatties but, these days, the only diet most Brits have tried is diabetes.
OK.
Here's your final question.
- Oh! - BUZZER What do you think? Is it when it's really expensive and it takes ages, and they end up leaving the Royal family anyway? APPLAUSE It's a good answer.
Is it knowing that you're taking part in the patriarchy in exchange for Prosecco? - Yes! - What do you think, Nadine? Do you like a wedding? I think the ceremonies especially at Catholic weddings take forever, and then you're supposed to stay sober from the morning until the end of the night.
- What? - You're not.
- Have you not been to a wedding? What are you talking about? - I think - You think you're meant to stay sober at a wedding? - You are! - Have some form of decorum! - Go to a Catholic funeral - they take ages! Those are better! I prefer the funerals than Catholics at the wedding.
- You prefer a funeral to a wedding? - In Ireland, yeah! - Only in Ireland, yeah.
- I find it frustrating when someone's, like, you know, 27, 28 and getting married and, like, oh, my God! It's going to be the greatest day of my life! Have some fucking ambition! - Yeah.
- You've got another 50 years! How can the greatest day of your life involve both sets of parents? It would have been all right, never mind the greatest day of your life! I loved mine.
- Greatest day of your life, wasn't it? - Yeah, I loved it.
I think it's all the stuff leading up to the wedding as well for women that gets out of hand.
I got married a few months ago, but I had, like, a very small hen do where I did this genius thing.
We turned up at Gatwick 6am, got really, really hammered, and then we just stayed there for the whole day, drinking, and then we were home in our own beds that night.
You don't actually have to go anywhere.
Women love taking in, like, loads of cocks on a hen do, don't they? - Oh, yes.
- Why are you doing that mime? The girth! It's all about the girth! I saw some women out on a hen do, and, like, all the women had a sash saying "I love cock", in case there was any ambiguity.
And then they had an inflatable cock and, at the end of the night, they were all sort of getting in a cab, and then one of the other girls went, you're going to have to walk, Judy, or get another cab cos there's no room for you and the inflatable cock! The best thing about a wedding is the dancing, isn't it? All the YMCA.
A conga - you've really got to have some core strength.
- You've got to stretch.
- Yeah.
- The confidence to lead a conga! There's two types of conga leaders.
There's one that everyone knows and loves at a wedding - the absolute legend everyone knows who's going to start it all.
You just get the pissed lunatic.
Before you know it, you're going down the off-licence for a bottle of Where's this geezer taking me? He's already had three bottles of Southern Comfort! We're going for a drive-through! Anyone want some Maccy D's? When I go to weddings, I hate that bit where they say, "Anyone object?" And there's just a little giggle.
Oh! And you know the louder the giggle, the better chance he's got of side pussy in the room? - Side pussy! - Maybe they shouldn't say, "Does anyone object?" Maybe they should just go direct to the, "Is there any side pussy in the room?" I'll tell you what's difficult at a wedding - trying to watch the football on your phone under the table.
There's always a good game on there at about 5 o'clock and you're just trying to pretend to listen to the speech.
Just looking up, going, I do.
APPLAUSE - Yes.
- Is it the speeches people don't like? - The speeches.
People just drag stuff out.
Just get on with it! Go into a chapel or wherever you want to do it, have a nice little service, maybe a little singsong, 20 minutes, sit down, have some lunch, a few glasses of champagne, out! - Did you do a speech? - My speech was very good, thank you, mate.
- It was nice and short.
It was about 3.
5 minutes long.
- A bit like sex.
APPLAUSE - Phil, are you a married man? - No, I'm not married.
As a single person, I think going to a wedding is a very fraught experience, especially the dancing bit where you're always either dancing with someone too old or too young to have sex with.
Hardly anyone fits that Goldilocks point of age, you know.
Either this porridge is too wrinkly, or this porridge is illegal.
- This porridge is too hot! - This porridge is related.
OK.
- Katherine, I think you said it earlier.
- It's so expensive! Points to Katherine.
You got it right.
Well done! Yes, the worst thing about going to weddings is it's expensive.
There are ways of saving money at weddings, though - just go up to the pile of presents, pick the biggest one, and where it says "from" just write "and Jimmy".
BUZZER Well, that sounds tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, and I can tell you that Rob's team are the winners! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.