8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e04 Episode Script

Gemma Collins, Jordan Stephens, Fin Taylor, Harriet Kemsley

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats, she's a TV gem, it's Gemma Collins! Swing low, sweet Harriet, it's Harriet Kemsley! And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, don't hate the player, it's Jordan Stephens! Stand-up guy, it's Fin Taylor! And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy-y-y-y-y Carr! Hey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 17% of Brits think it's acceptable to go outside in your pyjamas? I popped out in my pyjamas the other day.
My girlfriend said, "Pop yourself back in, Jimmy.
" One in 20 Brits say they openly pick their nose.
I saw Katherine pick her nose.
Out of a catalogue.
One in three men say they never dance.
They say you can tell how someone has sex from the way they dance.
That's why I only ever dance alone in my room whilst wearing one of my dead mum's dresses.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Katherine's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about the last week? Hmm, it's got to be Megxit.
Meghan and Harry have left the UK to go to Canada.
They would rather live on Vancouver Island with cougars, wolves, black bears.
The Royal family is bad! You remember how happy Prince Harry looked in Afghanistan? He went for a break! - So, Harry and Meghan have moved to Canada.
- Yup.
- And we've got you.
It makes perfect sense though, because obviously, Meghan felt that the UK media coverage was racist, and obviously Canada's a very liberal country and in Justin Trudeau, they got the first black Prime Minister, so LAUGHTER But let it be a lesson to us all, ladies, do not do what Doria did.
She is a fine woman from a good family, Meghan's mother.
Everyone likes her, she is still involved with the couple, and then she went out, she saw some daytime television lighting director, banged him, and now he's a whole world of trouble.
And she and I have a similar talent.
I also have the superpower, actually - it's kind of a secret - I can take garbage cum and turn it into a princess.
LAUGHTER And so can Doria.
You've got to research.
If you're going to have unprotected sex, you need to deep dive on the family.
You need to know who he is and where he's from.
Otherwise, generations later, you got Thomas Markle up your ass.
You're not going to get pregnant like that! I read that they announced, or they discussed the departure in a Royal family WhatsApp group, and now I can't stop imagining that the Queen's WhatsApp name is just a crown emoji.
Imagine that, as Prince Philip's typing - "Oh, fuck.
" Rob, what do you think? Um, the thing is, they've had their title stripped, they're not HRH any more.
That's gone.
So, does it mean that stuff like the brown sauce has got more of a royal seal of approval than Prince Harry now? I'm not sure about BROWN sauce.
Yeah, OK, should have picked a different sauce.
- Of all the sauces - Of all the sauces! Prince Philip's going, "I'm not having brown sauce in this house!" - GC.
- Yes.
- GC, the GC.
Great to have you here.
- Thank you.
What do you make of this Harry and Meghan thing? Because they don't like the press attention.
Um, I feel that the best thing they can do - ultimately in life, all you want is to see people happy, if they're happy in Canada, - let them go to Canada.
- That's lovely.
- That's how I feel.
Let them go and do a day's hard work and see what we all have to do.
Whoa, whoa, hang on - What was the last day's work that you did? - Jimmy! I suppose you fucked Arg, yeah.
- Jimmy! - That didn't take a day.
- Did you have a lot of paparazzi following you? - All the time! I've had to move three times.
- I always give people a fake address now.
- Do you? - Yeah.
How do they get to your house? - LAUGHTER - Well, well That's a good question.
Sometimes I get followed, I have been followed.
- You know - Sometimes they just follow the Deliveroo driver.
Yeah, yeah! Me and Stormzy are the only people in the UK to have a Deliveroo - platinum card.
- Deliveroo platinum? Tell me everything about this! Cos it used to be the thing was, like, the Nando's black card was the shit.
What's this? - It's only me and Stormzy, it's - Do you have to eat together? - No, no! - I'd love to eat with Stormzy.
- What do you get, is it free Deliveroo? I think it's something like £12,000 a year, - or it might be £6,000.
- Wow.
And we're halfway through January, so that's gone now, has it? Yeah! That went weeks ago.
What's your favourite, what's your go-to on Deliveroo? I love a bit of Pizza Hut, I'm not going to lie.
I do love a pizza.
- Or the Brown Derby from Wimpy.
- Yup.
- Oh, it was the best.
The Brown Derby? Doughnut, ice cream on top, loads of chocolate sauce - and lashings of nuts.
- Fucking hell! - Lashings of nuts! That's what they do in Saudi Arabia, innit? Now, Harry and Meghan aren't the only members of the Royal family hoping to earn a few quid.
Here's Princess Anne's son Peter Phillips in an incomprehensible Chinese advert for Jersey milk.
This is what I drink.
It can't be very fresh if it's going from Jersey to China.
It's quite a long journey.
And if the real truth was told on that advert of how they get milk from cows, trust me, no-one would be drinking it.
How do they get milk from cows? Cos I think they milk them.
No! Jimmy, I will have to send you some videos on it.
Jimmy, they forcibly impregnate the mum, they take the baby away and then the cow's a prisoner and she's milked and milked.
It's Handmaid's Tale for cows.
- You're a vegan, yes? - Er, well LAUGHTER Jimmy, I started off being a vegetarian, I'm more vegan now because I've then become very aware lately - COUGHING: Bullshit! Sorry - No, recently, I was shown how the cows are treated to get the milk, hence I now drink oat milk every day.
Have you seen what they do to those oats though? Let's have a look and see if Megxit is up there.
Yes, of course, Harry and Meghan.
Everyone in the Royal family is really upset with Harry and Meghan, apart from Prince Andrew, who can't believe his fucking luck.
OK, Rob's team, what else have the nation been talking about? Um, Donald Trump's been knocking around, ain't he? - Oh, he has been.
- Davos, impeachment I can't take impeachment seriously.
It's got peach in it! A peach is a joke in the fruit world, never mind in politics.
Little furry fucker.
Don't talk to me about peach! - Sorry, what's a serious fruit, Rob? - Apple.
- Right.
- Which you'd be interested to learn, Rob can eat through a fence.
- Yeah.
He's been impeached cos he, like, runs somebody in the Ukraine.
Like, of all the things he's done.
He's been grabbing pussies, bombing Iran He's give a geezer in the Ukraine a bell and everyone's fuming! He held money back from the Ukraine, that's why he got impeached, wasn't it? Don't be so shocked that I know.
- You're still holding me, though.
- I know! - Something to do with money.
- Katherine, what do you think? It's big news! But he's going to stay in.
And he's got OJ's team backing him.
OJ's defence team.
He might as well just put a T-shirt on that says, "I did it, but I have money.
" Also, he did a tweet on the day saying, "I just got impeached for making a perfect phone call," and it just makes me think, I wish that all the other presidents had Twitter and would just live tweet history.
- Yeah.
- JFK - "Lovely day for an open top drive!" What's a perfect phone call? A perfect phone call is when you make someone come and paint your nails at the same time.
You're welcome.
You are really funny.
And Gemma, a lot of people go with the laughter at jokes, rather than the, "You are very funny.
" Like a mental robot from the future.
But he hasn't even turned up for the trial.
- Trump's not turned up to the trial? - He's in Switzerland.
Yeah, he's in Davos.
Doing a speech about sustainability and climate change with, what is it? Seven helicopters, a jet and five jeeps! Yeah, it's so stupid, like, they all flew in, all these world leaders on, like, private jets to talk about climate change.
It would be like if I went to go and see my husband to talk about how I must stop cheating on him, but I just rode in on a stranger's dick.
I like the mime that goes with it.
- We've got Trump's speech.
Do you want to have a look? - Yes! So, this is Trump at Davos, telling us, er, telling us everything's going to be all right.
We will continue to show strong leadership in restoring, growing and better managing our trees and our forests.
This is not a time for SLURRING: .
pessimism, this is a time for optimism.
Fear and doubt is not a good thought process.
Because this is a time for tremendous hope and joy and optimism and action.
But to embrace the possibilities of tomorrow, we must reject the perennial prophets of doom and their predictions of the apocalypse.
- Can I just - He's on something! - I know I'm Optimism, yeah, I know optimism.
What's the opposite of that again? What's it called again? Hang on, Trump can remind me.
What's it called again? - This is not a time for - SLURRING: .
I mean, there's never a time for "fuzzivuzzm".
I mean, that's the quickest stroke recovery I've ever seen.
Like, I heard that the reason he attacked Iran was because the leader that he killed made, like, rude memes about him.
So you have all these, like, deep, conspiracy based political ideas, and Trump's like, "No, I didn't like that meme.
" That's not a bad Trump! AS DONALD TRUMP: I'm so good at everything.
Gemma, what do you make of Trump? Um, one, how the hell did he get - Your fake tan recipe? - Yeah.
One, how the hell did Donald Trump get to be President? - Oh, sorry, you missed that? - You're so late! - Sorry! - Gemma, seriously.
That was years ago.
No, one minute he's in Trump Towers - Yes, he was the presenter of The Apprentice.
- Yes.
- Then he became - President.
There's hope for me yet! Hang on, would you run for office? Um, well, I think I could do, one day.
- If Donald Trump can do it - No, no, no, no .
the GC can do it.
He clearly is very strange, um, and he's the President of the United States.
This is a concern and a worry.
- Yeah.
- I like the way you talk to me like I've just arrived from space.
- Right, well, I was thinking - We haven't had Brexit yet! Well, the reason I'm talking like this is cos I'm having - to think as I'm talking - It's a nightmare, innit? Let's have a look and see if Donald Trump is up there.
Yes, of course, Donald Trump.
Trump's impeachment has started, but the question is, is Trump guilty? And the answer is yes.
Yes, he is.
That's it for part one, see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
Fingers on buzzers.
Rob's team.
Is it the Amazon bloke getting his phone hacked, Jeff Bezos? Yes, take a look at him.
That's the world's richest thumb.
There he is.
He's worth $115 billion, so - I'd fuck him.
- Yeah.
So they reckon the Saudis hacked his phone.
To be fair to the prince of Saudi Arabia, he just wanted to know where his fucking parcel was.
He got a note through the door saying he weren't in, so they left it in Bahrain.
What did they find on his phone, that he was cheating on his partner? Allegedly, the Saudi Arabians hacked his phone, got into it, found that he was having an affair and then leaked that to the National Enquirer, who then ruined his marriage, and then he had to have the largest divorce in human history.
But Saudi Arabia's denial wasn't a denial.
It was just like, "That's absurd".
And you know, all the ladies know when a man is like, "Why would I go down on your friend when I have you?", that is rhetorical.
It's not a denial.
One time, Katherine.
Stop going on about it.
GC, have you ever been hacked? I have had incidents where I've been talking on the phone and I feel like someone has tapped in.
- Were you just chatting to someone else? - Yeah, no! Are you saying you've been chatting on the phone - and someone else got a word in edgeways? - Yeah! "Hang on, who's that?" They're saying that he sent a video file that he opened and when he opened that video file, it got into his phone.
But what kind of WhatsApp video files are you getting from the Prince of Saudi Arabia? "Oh, not another beheading.
"Come on, mate, just reply.
Are you coming to the stag do or not?" Men's WhatsApps are disgusting.
Some of the filth I get sent, I don't even know who the geezers are.
I get caught up in a five-a-side football group and I'm just getting fannies out of nowhere.
It just gets sent to me and sometimes I do forward it on, but What I'm saying is and when I found out they get saved to the camera roll, oh, my God.
There's an iPad of doom knocking around my house! The problem for Jeff Bezos is that he looks like a dick pic.
So it's confusing about what's him and what's the dick pic.
I don't understand dick pics.
It happens all the time - but is there any woman who's like, "Oh, yeah, can't wait?" - No.
And they take the photo and it's not like a nice garden background.
They take it over the toilet.
Have you ever got a dick pic where you've thought, "You know what, I'm not interested sexually, but what a photo"? "I'm going to save that as my background".
Because you want the girl to like you, but also realise you know, you could have Battersea Dogs' Home in the background.
"My dick's out, but I do charity work".
Honestly, about two months ago, I got airdropped a dick pic on the tube.
- Oh, yeah, that's fun.
- What the fuck is that? So they're in the immediate vicinity.
But surely you must have noticed them getting their dick out on the tube to take a picture.
Yeah! You know what I would have done? Pulled the emergency cord and went, "Everyone get their fucking dicks out.
"We are not leaving until I see it".
It's not one of the most talked about things, but Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world, which I'm sure will be a great comfort to him when his dismembered body parts are being stuffed into a series of duffel bags by Saudi security services.
One more thing to get.
What else have the nation been talking about? Harriet, what do you think? - Is it Paris Hilton? - What about Paris Hilton? Well, she made a cooking video where she taught everyone how to cook a lasagne.
That is BS.
Paris Hilton does not cook lasagne.
Here's a clip from Cooking With Paris Hilton.
It's everything you would expect from someone who's never been in a kitchen before.
- Take a look at this.
- What? I'm not sure of the exact measurement of what you're supposed to do, but this is what I do every time.
Just go like Oh, no.
That's too much.
So I'm going to do my towel trick again.
Take a towel.
Get bottled water.
Who knows what's in these sewers? And then dab the meat.
This again is me just guessing.
I have no idea how much, but I love putting this much.
Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11.
11, because I love 11:11.
Sorry, did she use bottled water and say, "I don't know what's in the sewers", meaning the tap? Does Paris Hilton shit in a kitchen sink? I'm so happy she's back.
Until Paris Hilton walked in that kitchen, I had no idea this bitch was still alive.
Paris Hilton is an icon.
Do you understandvery literally, if we didn't have Paris Hilton, we wouldn't have Kim Kardashian.
If we didn't have Paris Hilton, we wouldn't have the GC.
If we didn't have Paris Hilton, we wouldn't have Caitlyn Jenner.
I would have nothing.
I think she's amazing.
Everyone shits on her but you never hear about the UK hotel heiresses, do you? You never hear about, like, Laura Travelodge.
What's she doing? And she's got weightlifting gloves on.
How heavy was this lasagne? She was wearing fingerless chef gloves, you know, like chefs don't.
I think she started the movement of reality shows.
She's the OG of them all.
Like you say, without her, there wouldn't be Kim Kardashian.
The best ever clip from the original Paris Hilton show is in the background of her wardrobe where you can see Kim Kardashian sorting out her shoes.
She used to work as her PA.
And she's done very well.
I mean, look at her.
She's been quiet for a few years and she looks exactly the same if not better.
And she does this ditzy act that she's been doing and it's cute in your twenties, but you can't really carry that through menopause.
Yeah, when you get to an age, that ditzy thing, it's like you're just a bit slow.
When you're young, it's like: "Oh, my God".
When they're 50, it's like: CROAKILY: "Oh, my God.
Where did I put my spoon?" It's not one of the most talked about things, but people have criticised Paris Hilton's 16 minute YouTube video.
But to be fair, it's the longest day's work she's ever done.
One more thing to get.
What else have the nation been talking about? Is it my favourite weekend indulgence, The Masked Singer - When Commissioners Take Ketamine? I'd also imagine that somewhere in the UK, someone has just done a bunch of mushrooms and had a bit of a tough time and then a friend's gone, "Listen, we'll get you back to the house and have a cup of tea "and chill out, just put on some Saturday night television.
"Aaagh!" That's the best bit, when they take off the mask and there's all these mad costumes and at the end they're going, "Take it off! Take it off!", and they take off the mask and then the crowd go, "Who is that? Who is that?" The judges go, like, "Oh, my God, who's it going to be? "I think it might be Adele".
If it was Adele, just fuck everyone else off and have her for an hour.
You're not going to waste Adele by dressing her up as a fucking tree, are you? We've got a clip here.
This is Alan Johnson, who, I mean, no one knows.
Look at how many times they say "Alan Johnson" before you see it's Alan Johnson.
Take a look.
MUSIC: Walk Like An Egyptian # All the bazaar men by the park They pop the pipe like the party gates HE CONTINUES SINGING CROWD: Take it off! Take it off! ALL: Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! It is Alan Johnson! - It's Alan Johnson! - It's Alan Johnson! Unmasked at last! Former Home Secretary, the right honourable Alan Johnson! - Yay! - Alan! "Alan!" It's like, you know when your kid really wants Buzz Lightyear for Christmas but you couldn't buy it, so you get Woody.
You're like, "It's Woody! Remember Woody? "You like Woody! Please like Woody!" That's what I love about the British version.
Since I came here a dozen years ago, I've really gotten into the spirit of just waiting and queueing and then being disappointed.
You know, and your kids want to watch it and you're all together every week and you're watching and watching it, just to be disappointed.
There couldn't be anything more British on a Saturday or Sunday night.
I think they should do a collaboration with Naked Attraction.
You get celebrities and then you just have to work out who it is by their knob or fanny.
And the judges could be like, "Ooh, it's either Anthony Joshua or Timmy Mallett.
I'm not sure".
- Gemma, have you seen The Masked Singer? - I have.
I was actually asked to appear in the Australian version.
- Why didn't you do it? - Because No one knows who the fuck you are in Australia? - Jordan, are you the Monster? - No, it's not me.
- It is quite enthralling.
- You're the Monster, I'm the Hedgehog.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Are you actually the Hedgehog? I definitely would do it and have done it and I am the Hedgehog.
I'd fucking win it.
No, Jimmy can't do it.
Look at the size of Jimmy's head.
If you put anything else on it, he'd crack a vertebrae.
His shoulders couldn't take it.
He'd just fall over like that.
ALL IMITATE JIMMY'S LAUGHTER Why is everyone Why? Let's see if The Masked Singer's up there.
Yes, it's The Masked Singer! The Masked Singer is South Korea's most popular TV format after The Dog's Bollocks, their number one rated cooking show.
In this week's news, Muller, the yoghurt people, have been criticised by doctors over their range of alcohol-flavoured yoghurts, so I got some for us to try.
These are gin and tonic flavoured yoghurts.
Grab those.
- GC, you grab those.
- Oh, and they're Light.
- They're not vegan.
I'm gonna have to try this, aren't I, cos I'm on this show.
That didn't take much convincing.
- If you are vegan, I totally respect that.
- They are delicious.
- Leave it! - You don't have to do it.
- They are delicious, have you tried it? No, no, no, no.
No, I respect you as a vegan.
I couldn't allow it.
Don't feel compelled because you're on the show, Gemma.
- Rob, so delicious.
- It really is nice.
Oh! It's everything you want, innit? - Because it's sweet.
- Oh, Rob, please! - All right, let me just smell it.
- No, have a taste.
- Oh, yeah.
- Wow.
- I can't believe you put Rob and Gemma next to each other.
It's like a before and after photo at a transgender clinic.
It is! It actually is.
It is.
What do you think, Harriet? I don't want to be a dick, but I'm trying to be a vegan.
- Are you a vegan? - Yes.
OK, so that's how a vegan would deal with that situation.
It feels to me like someone at Muller is an alcoholic and they've caught him drinking at his desk and he's gone, "What? No, research".
For me, it just tastes like a lemony yoghurt with a hint of something, but that something could be that it's just two days out of date.
You could trade it off, couldn't you? You're not having a prawn that's out of date but I can take a yoghurt, I'm not a pussy.
It's quite boozy, though, innit? I'm absolutely Mullered.
APPLAUSE Fin Taylor, everyone, Fin Taylor.
So those were the nation's most popular talking points but in other news, the worst jewel thieves ever went viral this week.
I don't want to spoil it for you, but here's an amazing news report describing what went down.
The robbery is now under way, but she's able to run off.
She pressed a panic button which calls the police, and locks herself in the toilet.
Now chaos ensues.
However hard they hit it, the door won't open because, well, it's locked.
Finally, a member remembers there is a release button and runs to press it.
His mate makes his escape but forgets to keep the door open for the others, so yes, they're locked in again.
So take two - run back, open door, keep door open and then everyone scarpers.
Simple, really.
Well, not quite.
Take three.
The last crook presses the button and tries to rush back in time, but he's a bit out of shape and not quick enough.
He is desperate now.
The alarm is sounding, the police are on their way and his mates are long gone.
Completely by chance, a member of the public who knows no better arrives on the scene and holds the door open for him.
At the end of that round, Rob, Harriet and Gemma have one point, Katherine, Jordan and Fin have two points.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Rob, Harriet, Gemma, what do you like the look of? Oh, what have we got here? - A nice holiday? Desert island.
- Oh, go on, then.
So you've chosen the palm tree.
Here is your related question.
- OK.
- That's false.
- OK Right, it's false.
- We've won.
- Done.
LAUGHTER It depends, doesn't it? It depends.
I think I'd be fine until I got thirsty and hungry, then it would get stressful.
I think I'd be all right for a little bit, - but, I mean, Gemma, you were on I'm A Celebrity.
- Yeah.
I reckon you lasted about four minutes before you kicked off.
Have a look at this.
- I'm shitting myself.
- Just enjoy it.
- Here we go.
Is it your first time in a chopper? Yeah.
How long are we in here for? Be serious.
No, can you stop a minute? I'm being serious.
- I need to get out, honestly.
- You need to get out? Yeah, I'm going to be sick.
I'm not going in this.
No way.
I'm sorry.
That is just so scary.
How the hell does anyone think that's normal, doing that? Some people need breaking in gently, do you know what I mean? Yeah, all right, I've cracked at the first hurdle, but it's like the turtle and the slug or the horse and the rabbit.
- I can't remember what it was.
- STUDIO LAUGHTER The slug won in the end.
Turtle and the slug! The turtle and the slug! It's just like the turtle and the slug and the horse and the rabbit.
I'm still trying to work out what would win, a turtle or a slug.
I truly believe that no-one would be able to survive on a desert island - after my experience in the jungle.
- Well, Jordan was sent Yeah, I did Bear Grylls, The Island, yeah.
It was a good experience, but it was fucking boring.
Yeah, I know, I tried to watch it.
People were saying things, like, you know, about these two weeks and it'd be, like, "Oh, mate, I'd kill for a burger," or, like, "I'd kill for a strawberry milkshake.
" And I got to the point where I was, like, "You know you can just go home?" That's the way to do it, innit? How long did you last in the jungle, Gemma? Well, it was genuinely six days, but you only saw, I think, about two or three.
Yeah, I actually went to the bush tucker trial and asked Bob if he could bring me a Diet Coke and they said no .
I said, "I'm really sorry, I'm not going to be able to do this.
I've got to go.
" LAUGHTER Harriet, do you reckon you could survive on a desert island? Well, I don't think I'm the right person to ask cos I've got a nut allergy so I couldn't even survive in a Pret a Manger.
It's dangerous out there for me just in England, you know? What about you, Fin? Yeah, I'd eat someone like that.
- Sorry, what was the question? - LAUGHTER What do you think, most people think they could survive on a desert - island.
What do you think people are going to say, Rob? - False.
- No.
- Hell no.
- Hell no.
- What do you think, Katherine? I can't go anywhere hot.
I cope with sunlight like Prince Andrew copes with studio lights.
I'm just too pale for any holiday.
That's why I moved here.
I didn't move here for the weather.
I like the dreariness of it all.
Yeah, no, people do not think they could survive.
OK, I'll tell you, the answer is true - 66% of people think they could survive on a desert island.
APPLAUSE I don't know about having good survival skills, I find it quite difficult to cope when the petrol station shop is closed and you have to push things through that little tray.
You don't go and pay.
LAUGHTER Tough watching your driver pay, innit? "What was it? One of those little drawers again? Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
" Katherine, what do you like the look of? Ooh I think I like the carrot.
OK, you've chosen the carrot, which means it's time for a quick bonus round.
- Gemma, Katherine, join me for Carrot In A Box.
- Let's do it.
The rules of Carrot In A Box are simple - you both have a box, but only one of the boxes has a carrot in it.
The aim of the game is to end up with a carrot.
It's a game of bluff.
- OK, Katherine? - Yep.
- In a moment, I'll ask you to look in your box.
If you don't have the carrot, then you have to bluff Gemma into her giving you her box, but, ultimately, it's Gemma's choice whether she keeps her box or swaps it with your box.
- So, Katherine, look in your box.
- Yep.
OK, Katherine, you want a carrot, Gemma, you want a carrot.
Let's play Carrot In A Box.
DRAMATIC MUSIC I can confirm, Gemma, there is a carrot in my box.
Right, I know a blag when I see one.
I used to be a car dealer.
There's a carrot in that box.
- Yes, there is a carrot in the box.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER There is.
There is a carrot in the box.
I know that there's a carrot in that box by the first bit of conversation you did.
I told you there was a carrot in the box, yeah.
LAUGHTER Yeah, but I think you were saying that to blag me.
I could be wrong, but I do think there's a carrot in that box.
LAUGHTER - Would you lie to GC? - No, I wouldn't.
- But you want the carrot.
SOUTH EAST ACCENT: Listen, babes, I'll be honest LAUGHTER .
I'm not going to lie, literally .
literally a carrot .
in my fanny and the box.
I think there is, yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Never, never been surer.
- You've never, never been surer? - No.
I thought the aim of this game was to tell - if there's a carrot in the box.
- Yes.
- Right.
- That is the aim of the game.
I think there's a carrot in that box.
Can we lift the lid and can I sit back down, honey? Please? Just this game psychs me out.
No? I do think there's a carrot in that box.
I'm sorry, and your complaint is you've been standing up for too long? Fucking hell, GC! Put me out of my misery.
Open that box and let me sit back down, please.
To be fair to Gemma, she's got a long journey home.
She gave her cab driver three addresses.
Gemma, it's your decision.
Do you want to swap with Katherine's box or do you want to keep your own? - Swap the box.
The carrot's mine.
- OK, all right.
Is there a carrot in that box? Yeah! Well done, Gemma.
That means the winner of Carrot In A Box is Gemma.
See? - She won a carrot.
- It was the psychology.
- You're good.
Hold it up again.
It's the same colour, innit? - I'm too clued up.
- I'm not.
I could learn a lot from you.
People lie to me all the time and I don't know until I'm pregnant.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's it for this part.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 out of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
How well they knew Jeffrey Epstein.
APPLAUSE Is it people saying that they were in the SAS? For people that actually did serve, it's a disgrace.
It upsets us.
- I'd so love it if you were in the SAS.
- Maybe I was, maybe I weren't.
You wouldn't know, would you? If I was, I'd give the impression that I could never have been.
It's like the Masked Singer of the army.
I think Harriet genuinely thinks you might be.
Were you? Maybe.
So, most common thing people lie about.
Is it being vegan, Gemma? Harriet, what do you think? Is it vagina size? Mine is at least nine inches.
Don't know how big nine inches is! What do you think, Katherine? What do people lie about? I think a lot of people lie about their age.
Obviously, there's no reason for me to do that in my 20s now.
Some of you is 20.
My boobs are actually almost 20.
Everyone in my high school, you either got a nose job or a car or boobs if your parents didn't love you.
That's really sexy, you had to walk around everywhere with your big tits.
- Yeah.
- You didn't have a car.
- Exactly.
You know, Harriet, once you get your tits done, it's really easy to find a ride.
I wouldn't know.
I've got small tits.
But a huge vagina! Go on, Jordan, what do you think people lie about? I don't know.
I feel like people lie about caring about things.
Every day people asks each other how they are and I don't think people really actually care.
That's really true.
You don't really give a shit about anyone else.
When your partner is sick in the day or your child, you're like, "Oh, that's terrible, he's got maybe pneumonia, he's not got long.
If Fin does that to you, he gets Me Too'd.
Double standards.
Hashtag #YesPlease.
Hashtag #MeToo! So if your partner is ill during the day.
If your partner or child is ill during the day, then you feel so terrible and you lie like you're a really caring person.
It's not true because at night when they're coughing, you're trying to sleep, you're like, "Shut the fuck up!" Lou was like that to me.
I broke my ankle when we had a two-year-old and a newborn baby so she had to everything because I was laid up with my foot up like that.
She was really lovely and caring for a couple of days.
Day three she went, "We're going to have to sort this out.
"You've got to get better or die.
What is the most common thing people lie about? What do you think, GC, in your experience? Definitely their age.
I can't ask I'm 38 years old.
And you've been on the telly, in our lives, for 10 years.
It's great.
What have you learnt over those 10 years? Have you ever lied? Yeah.
I was engaged.
- I was engaged.
- To Rami? - Yes.
- I remember.
And it's a terrible thing but I could admit it.
- Go on.
- I went to Vegas, Arg called me up from his hotel room and he said, "Hello, do you want to come down to the room to see me?" What's going on? - Were you out there on your own? Was Rami there? - Bobby was in the room.
Who's Bobby?! Bobby's on the show.
So I say to Bob, "Oh, Bob, just going to pop down to get us a drink from downstairs.
" So he's like, "All right, babe, I'll have a pina colada.
" - Bobby don't know I'm going to see Arg.
- Have a penis colada.
I had a very, very, very good penis colada, yes.
And Bobby covered my back.
Bet Arg did as well.
APPLAUSE Did Bobby ever get his drink? Bobby was left gasping.
And you weren't! I mean, it's terrible but you do silly things when you're young.
That wasn't silly.
Arg is your true love and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so you're good there.
It definitely hasn't stayed in Vegas.
I think people must lie about sleeping with people.
- Number nine on the list is how many people they've slept with.
- Yes! Does that mean I've got a point? It's number nine, we're looking for number one.
This is something people do every day, it involves losing concentration.
- Listening.
- That's the correct answer.
The most common thing people lie about is pretending they're listening, and that's according to a survey of all men everywhere.
I am always listening to my girlfriend but then I like long, boring stories with way too much detail and no point.
APPLAUSE That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Rob, Harriet and Gemma have 2 points, Katherine, Jordan and Fin are the winners with 3 points! APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight!
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