8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e05 Episode Script
Joel Dommett, Rosie Jones, Ovie Soko, Catherine Bohart
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats From The Masked Singer, it's Joel Dommett! Everything's coming up Rosie - it's Rosie Jones! And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight Our type on paper - it's Ovie Soko! Full of laughs - it's Catherine Bohart! And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, nearly a third of people don't read instruction manuals? And the results can be catastrophic.
I set my penis pump to blow instead of suck, and now I've got an innie.
LAUGHTER 57% of Brits think World War III is likely in the next ten years, but will I be able to enjoy World War III if I haven't seen the first two? And 20% of Brits are happy to eat things that are well past their use by date, which I think means Grandad still gives Nana a treat from time to time.
Right, let's get started! APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Katherine's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? I think the nation are talking about Winter Love Island.
Of course, we have Ovie from good Love Island.
LAUGHTER It isn't as good now, Jimmy, because we're being considerate, and being considerate sucks as entertainment.
It's like if you did Total Wipeout on a soft play.
There's no more smoking section, I haven't seen anyone banging, or even getting fingered.
Are you watching the show? - Yeah, I catch it.
- You catch it? The show, or? LAUGHTER When were you in theon the island? This last summer that went, I gotI went into Casa Amor.
I was in there for four weeks, and it was a good holiday, man.
Who did you hook up with when you were in there? I ended up leaving with India.
ROB: That's a lot of people, innit? APPLAUSE Mate, you're good-looking, but that's a hard task, the whole of India! - Rosie, you like Ovie as well, right? - Yeah.
What would you I mean, you areyou are .
.
you're a lesbian lady, butyou'd? I'mhonestly, I'm very, very, very gay.
But honestly, I want you to do things to me APPLAUSE .
.
that I only want to do to women.
I would let you slam dunk me.
Rosie, you do not want to go straight to Ovie.
You want to get yourself, like, a starter Rob.
No! No! APPLAUSE On Love Island, though, there's been loads of complaints.
They think the storylines are fake.
If you've got a problem with fake stuff, come on, forget about the storylines, start on the teeth and the tits, come on! What are you saying about fake teeth? Some of us aren't as blessed as you, Rob! - You got more than your share, that's what happened.
- I did.
I think Ovie smashed it, though.
Cos you went in there, everyone loved you, come out of it quite cool, there was no proper drama.
And cos you do basketball, you're now, like, the pundit on Sky Sports for basketball.
So you've nailed it.
You've sort of got your thing you do like that.
All the others are like, "Oh, look, JD sports! Oh, teeth whitening! Stick that up me arse! "Oh Hashtag gifted!" It's pathetic.
The other big controversy this year has been the noise of the kissing.
Apparently the kissing's been too loud on Love Island.
Your year was fine.
This year, way too loud with the kissing.
Take a look.
SHE WHISPERS: WET SQUELCHING Ah! WET SQUELCHING LAUGHTER Was that kissing? It sounded like a Wellington boot being pulled out of mud! The sound guy's just backstage, fosting a jar of Marmite.
I would rather listen to the audio from One Born Every Minute than that.
- Joel, do you watch Love Island? - I do.
My wife were watching it, and she said the kissing was too loud and I agreed to stop doing it, and I just It's the only thing, though, that gets me, is the ki When it's just like, just tone it down HE IMITATES SLURPING It's so hard right now! It sounds like when you've got a yoghurt and no spoon and a lot of ambition.
I think I don't know if I'm getting older on this series, or, likejust I found myself not, like, looking at the women on it.
I'm just like, "Oh, it looks lovely and hot.
" Just like, lie there with a book, have a dip A few years ago, my cock nearly fell off.
- Catherine, what do you think? - I was just going to say, it's insulting that they will scrape the bottom of the barrel with straight people before they'll even remotely consider putting a lesbian in there.
Like, there should be Why are there never any gay people? - Well, you have to be that dumb to fuck men.
- I suppose.
That's it.
That makes It makes sense now! Also, you can't have a lesbian on it because they'll all just couple up in the first week, buy cats and do DIY, and then Nobody would watch it.
It would be like, "Oh, they're still together.
Cool.
" 40 years on, they're still together.
It'sit's weird, they They've slightly run out of conversation this year.
Here's the girls talking about their favourite number.
What's your favourite number? I've got this in the bag.
11.
It's - Mine's 11! - It's 11? Oh, my goodness.
It is the freshest number.
- Like, you know when a number is so pure - Oh, my God, yes! Also, I love the number one, but one is just so lonely.
Like, 11 is two ones.
It's like two people.
I love it.
- Did you know that 1111 is the angel number? - Yes! I didn't know that, but it makes me love it more.
Every time you see 1111, you've got to make a wish.
And I was born on the 11th.
- Oh, I wish I was born on the 11th.
- That's my number.
I can't believe that, honestly.
11, I love it so much.
Like, I actually love it, like, when people ask me for my favourite number, I'm like, "I love 11.
" LAUGHTER Really, she's very She's just overcompensating because that's the number she can count to.
You know when someone's like, "Oh, 11's as high as I can go"? And she's just like, "I love 11! "Don't ask me about the teens, it gets real complicated.
"11's the best one!" Right, I know that .
.
I'm no-one to talk, but .
.
I cannot understand a fucking word they're saying! APPLAUSE What?! Well, I can tell you, Love Island is not one of the most talked about things but contestant Connor opened up about having a threesome on a first date.
I finally persuaded my girlfriend to have a threesome.
I can't wait to hear how it went.
OK, Rob, what else has the nation been talking about this week? - Well, we had Brexit day.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yes.
31st of Jan, Brexit today, and there was a special 50p coin with a quote on it about Brexit.
Which I think, after Brexit, is worth about 30p.
Yeah, it's worth 30p, now.
And the euro did one, they did a special euro coin with "fuck off" written on it.
It's been a lovely weekend for everyone involved.
Here's the coin.
Sajid Javid holding it, there he is.
Look at that, he's like Gollum, isn't he? LAUGHTER "Precious, my precious!" I quite like the coin.
I mean, I think that they It was nice of them to put something, like, kind on it.
Likelike, it could have been more on the nose, like, "fuck immigrants", or "I'd rather not have health care than have a brown doctor.
" You know, like, they could have That's on the teatowels.
Oh, 100%! 100%.
I don't think we need another day.
Brexit day.
It's We've got Christmas Day, New Year's Day, Pancake Day, St Swithin's Day, whatever the fuck that is There's too many days.
I've already got Battle of the Boyne in my calendar.
Why is it in there? I mean, why the hell is Battle of the Boyne? It happens eight times a year in my calendar! I don't know Should I be doing something? It's Battle of the Boyne! Get the boys round, Battle of the Boyne, isn't it? Get a pizza, couple of beers.
"Shall we have a barbecue?" "What for?" "It's Battle of the Boyne! "How could we forget? It's every other month!" This is the perfect embodiment of Englishmen and their own history.
"What is the Battle of the Boyne?!" What is the Battle of the Boyne? Do you know the Battle of the Boyne? Well, I have to, yeah, because it actually affected us.
- But the thing is - OK.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER - It's William of Orange, isn't it? It's Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's a feisty one.
- Surprise, you're the bad guys.
LAUGHTER Joel, what do you think? I like that it's They're making it a day.
I think it's nice, because it's just before Valentine's Day but it's kind of exactly the opposite, you know, Valentine's Day is about getting together, and this is the day where it's .
.
you know, tearing people apart.
And I think they should make it more of a thing.
- Make greeting cards, you know.
Go for it.
- Yeah.
Like, "Passports were red, now they're blue, "going to fuck up my country, we're not in the EU.
" Something like that.
APPLAUSE - KATHERINE: I like it! - Something like that.
The Tory party brought out a commemorative tea towel.
- Of course.
- Which is It's quite something.
Yeah, I gave it to my cleaner Magda as a going away present.
LAUGHTER - Is that real? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why have they used a picture of me? Bang out of order! "Got Brexit done.
" Yeah, he came in at the last minute, though, innit? It's like going, "I got the barbecue done" when you came in just to get the burgers off the grill.
Theresa May's been down the garage getting fucking gas for it.
APPLAUSE How nice! Theresa May should be sat at home watching this, going, "Yeah, fucking finally! "Someone appreciates me!" "I checked the weather, "I said, 'are you doing anything for Battle of the Boyne?'" OK, so, Nigel Farage signed off from the European Parliament with all the grace you'd expect.
No more being talked down to.
No more being bullied.
No more Guy Verhofstadt.
I mean I mean, what's not to like? I know you're going to miss us.
I know you want to ban our national flags.
But we're going to wave you goodbye.
And we look forward in the future to working with you as sovereign AUDIO CUTS OU If you disobey the rules, you get cut off.
Could we please remove the flags? SCATTERED APPLAUSE Mr Farage .
.
could we remove the flags, please? That's it, it's all over.
Finished.
We've gone.
Could I please ask for quiet? BREXIT PARTY MEPs: Hooray! - Hip hip - Hooray! - Hip hip - Hooray! I'm really Please sit down, resume your seats, and put your flags away.
You're leaving.
And take them with you, if you are leaving now.
And CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Goodbye.
LAUGHTER Anthea Turner don't take any shit, does she? Was Ann Widdecombe there, as well? - Yeah.
- She's Brexit Party.
- It was all the virgins and flags.
LAUGHTER This is the thing.
If they want to Because I want to be balanced, I know a lot of people voted Leave because they do believe it will be better for the working class.
They do believe it will be better for the NHS.
They have empathy and they want to make things better.
But people like that don't celebrate a win in such a dickhead way.
Like, I know a lot of women campaigned in Ireland for abortion rights, but then when they won, we didn't walk up and down the street like, "Yeah!" Just chucking the morning after pill around We didn't behave that way, cos we genuinely just wanted to help.
And this is what puts me off.
It's that man and Ann Widdecombe and all their stupid friends.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ovie, what do you think? I think it's a scary time, likein the world.
The leader of our country, the leader of America.
You know, we've got one that comes down on zip lines with flags And, you know, Trump's been on bloody WWF.
So when you think about these people making, like, the big calls now, - like, it's justit's weird.
It's very scary, man.
- Yeah.
I tell you, the scariest thing is, Ovie from Love Island's talking sense! Rosie, what do you reckon? See, I don't get it, because even though we've left .
.
we've still got to stay in the rules to the end of the year.
It's like we're at a party, we've put our coat on, and we've gone, "This party "is fucking shit.
"You're all boring.
"I shagged your sister.
"Right, I'll have one more drink.
" APPLAUSE - That's exactly what's going on.
- Yeah! Well, let's have a look and see if Brexit's up there.
Yes, indeed.
It's Brexit.
APPLAUSE Britain is no longer in Europe, but what we are in is deep shit.
Now Britain has finally left the EU, politicians are free to focus on important things, like working out how to get Britain back into Europe.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we are still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What do you think? Is it Prince Andrew's failure to cooperate with the FBI? Because it seems like someone who grew up being told he was better than us has turned round and acted like he's better than us.
So the big controversy this week has been about Prince Andrew allegedly not wanting to talk to the FBI.
This is what Prince Andrew originally said about talking to the FBI.
As you can see, he was totally relaxed about the idea.
You seem utterly convinced you're telling the truth.
Would you be willing to testify or give a statement under oath if you were asked? Well, I'm like everybody else.
I'm I'mI'm And I would have to take all the legal advice that there was before I was to do that sort of thing, but if push came to shove, and the lega HE COUGHS .
.
the legal advice was to do so, then I would be duty-bound to do so.
Virginia Roberts' lawyers, legal team, say that they've asked for a legal statement from you.
There is an active FBI investigation now.
- Would you be willing to provide that? - Again, I'm I'mI'm bound by what my legal advice is .
.
erm, legal advisers tell me.
Good.
Good.
Yeah, no, it's pretty clear.
You know he can't sweat? I reckon it's all just stored in his neck.
Well, he says he can't sweat, but I think an interview with the FBI might really test that to the limit.
They should interview him in a sauna.
He crumbled there with Emily Maitlis.
Imagine the FBI! He'd just be, like, in full panic mode.
"Take a seat.
" "Oh, I can't, actually, I haven't got an arse.
"It got blown off in the Falklands.
" "Where did it go?" I think he wants to cooperate with the FBI, it's just that, you know, since Epstein died, there's nowhere convenient for him to stay in America, so - You know, it's hard.
- Well, he's been the Queen's rock.
They're like, "Andrew is the Queen's rock.
" But a rock isn't always good.
Sometimes it can be used to weigh down a sack of kittens in a lake.
Yes! Well, what do you think, Ovie? Because you've been on telly.
You know what it's like to sort of come across well on television.
What mistakes do you think he made in that interview? He looks guilty.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes, Ovie! OK, so if you are faced with that, if you had to be his sort of - PR manager, what would you have suggested? - Oh, man Probably LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH That's a sticky one! OK, let's have a look and see if Prince Andrew's up there.
ROB: Oh, he always is, dirty bastard! APPLAUSE Yes, it's Prince Andrew.
You can say what you like about Prince Andrew, but .
.
no, apparently you can't.
- OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
- Oh! Is it the security threat to 5G from China? - What's the name of the phone company? - Hu-awei.
LAUGHTER I think it's a Geordie chat-up line, isn't it? "Hwa 'way?" I think the real injustice is that it's not pronounced "Hoo-a-woo-ee".
- "Hoo-a-woo-ee"? - Because that's funny.
- Hoo-a-woo-ee! - Hoo-a-woo-ee! It would be great.
Like, Loughborough's boring, but Loo-ga-ba-roo-ga LAUGHTER Who doesn't want to go to Loo-ga-ba-roo-ga?! But they think that they'll spy on us through 5G, but - Yeah.
- I don't think I'm very interesting to spy on.
What are they going to look at on my phone? It's just me watching Dennis Bergkamp videos and hardcore dwarf porn.
I know you can't say "dwarf" any more, but you try googling "little person porn" and not have the police round your house .
.
quicker than you can say "Snow White bukkake".
Because I'm telling you, - OK, so 5G - What's a G? What's a G? This guy.
I mean CATHERINE LAUGHS Oh, that might be the dumbest thing I ever said! Yeah, because 3G was quality for ages.
There was no 1 or 2G.
3G was quality, 4G popped up for a bit, now it's 5G.
- I mean, 3G's the OG of G.
- Yeah.
I mean, what next? Gina G.
- Gina G? - Gina G, yeah.
Really liked Gina G.
She didn't get a very good reception either! There was the G spot, but we couldn't find it - It's not that hard! Erm - LAUGHTER No, but it's fascinating that people are so suspicious of them, but actually, it's not like you can really turn them down as Britain.
Like, if you don't use these guys, then it's like they will just have to go back to dial-up and to that I say "Ni hao" to our new technological overlords.
If we don't go with them, we've got we've got Alan Sugar and Amstrad.
Exactly! Oh, we're using the Fax-o-phone 3000! Well, because Trump's supposed to be sorting it out.
He's gone, "Don't worry, Boris, I'll sort it out for you.
" It's like when you get a job priced up at home, and your mate goes, "I can do that half the price, don't worry.
" Before you know it, you've got your mate round the house, you've paid him in cash upfront, he's crying about his divorce, installing a 56K modem .
.
while you're digging out your VHS porn for an analogue wank.
Ovie, what do you make of this 5G? They reckon the Chinese will be able to spy on us.
Are you worried? Oh, God.
No, I'm not the person to ask.
Well, you're dressed like a spy! Katherine, are you worried by Huawei? I don't mind being spied on.
You know, you can watch me all day, I'll make little asides to the camera like my very own Fleabag.
I wouldn't mind it at all, but I don't understand G, and I don't understand why we can't make our own G.
Do you know what I mean? Why do we need American G or Chinese G? Chinese G sounds like a geezer! "Who's coming tonight? Mike, Phil, Chinese G" I just don't get it.
When it turns to anything technical, I don't understand what's going on.
WHAT'S A G? It's a concept.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
It's not tangible.
This is how I feel about space! I'm so angry that people go to space, there are these new pictures of the sun under a microscope.
I don't give a fuck about the sun! It's just a fucking candle! Has it been a tough week? You seem under a lot of stress.
Sometimes I forget you were originally a ginger woman, and now I've seen you talk about the sun, and I'm like, there it is.
I am very angry! Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Huawei.
- APPLAUSE - Hoo-a-woo-ee! Why is everyone so worried about the Chinese listening to our conversations? Just don't speak in Chinese.
So those were the nation's most popular talking points, but in other news, it's been revealed that HS2 is going to cost £106 billion.
It's the biggest waste of money since your mum bought that treadmill.
APPLAUSE So at the end of that round, Rob's team have two points, Catherine's team have one point.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Rosie, Joel, what do you like the look of? Ooh, OK.
Oh! Is that a school photo? It does look like that.
It does really look like that.
- We're going to have to go for Joel.
- OK, you've gone for Joel.
Joel, you are used to keeping secrets on The Masked Singer, so here's your related question.
What do you think? I think I'm bad, actually, at keeping secrets.
And I'm now involved in The Masked Sinner, which involves me keeping a secret.
We filmed it in September, so You filmed it in September? Cheque's landed, right? Fuck it.
- Yeah, that's true.
- LAUGHTER Basically, with The Masked Singer, it's so funny, because people on Twitter and everyone who watches it generally go, like, "What is this show? "This is the worst television I've ever seen.
" Then five minutes later, they're like, "I'm addicted, "I love this show so much.
" - I love that show so much.
- Thank you, Rosie.
But the only heartbreaking thing for me is I can never do it.
Because people will be like, "Why's that unicorn got cerebral palsy? "Oh, it's Rosie!" This is the thing, this is the thing with the show, Rosie.
People throw out red herrings.
You could be someone pretending to have cerebral palsy.
Rosie, you could go on it and pretend not to have cerebral palsy.
Oh, but then I'd lose a lot of TV work.
APPLAUSE Rosie Rosie, never mind the TV work, what about the benefits? LAUGHTER Imagine the disabled bay, you can really lay it on thick.
Yeah, I love that, but my favourite perk is the toilet.
- Oh, the toilet.
- Great for shitting, great for wanking.
Wanking! Is that what those bars are for? And then you pull the cord when you've come? "I've come! Someone help me! Absolute mess in here!" APPLAUSE I used the disabled toilet once, because there was no other toilet.
- No! - I'm sorry, right? - Rob! - I'm sorry.
- You should have shat yourself.
I should have shat myself.
That's it, that's what I should have done.
- Yeah.
- But I thought, "I'll go in, I'll be quick," right? I was in there and someone knocked on the door.
I said, "I'll be out in a minute," and then he went, "I hope you're disabled.
" - Bit much, innit? - Yeah.
Rob, you could at keeping secrets? It depends who you're trying to keep it from, innit? If you're try to keep a secret from your mum, that's fine, but if the Taliban have got electrodes attached to your bollocks, then you're going to talk.
What about you guys, are you good at keeping secrets? I'm good at keeping all of your secrets, even the ones about your sexuality.
Ovie, have you kept any big secret? Yeah, I'm good at keeping secrets.
Are you? Like when you call people for a chat, which means a confidential - conversation in front of five million people? - Oh, no, yeah.
There are no secrets in the house, but in general, if it's a big enough secret, if it's important, I'll keep it.
Like if you're dating Amber? Oh, Lord.
If you were dating Amber, would you be able to keep that a secret? If I was dating Amber, it wouldn't be a secret.
So you're not DATING Amber, you are? Oh, I feel like I can't win, can't win here! - What do you mean you can't win? You're fucking Amber! - Yeah, you won! LAUGHTER Rosie's very good for a secret, because she's usually pissed.
- Like, learned so much, we got to slag people off.
- Yeah.
And I like when people cut straight to the point, I don't want any small talk, I want to know who's fucking now.
Me, not.
- I've had the best secrets off you, Rosie.
- Yeah.
I mean, I am like a human megaphone.
Yeah.
Like, because people think I am a cute little disabled lady, and they're like, "Oh, can I confide in you?" And I'm like Oh, do that face again.
That's a very good confiding face.
Can I confide in you, Rosie? Can I confide in you? And then I'm like, "Oh, my God! "Everyone, guess who's in a throuple?" - Yeah! - Foot porn? - A throuple.
- A threesome, Jimmy.
A throuple.
Who calls it a throuple? It sounds like something from the Victorian ages.
"One had a throuple last night.
" LAUGHTER What's your biggest secret, Catherine? Unfortunately, I've told everyone all of my secrets to make money.
- Yeah! - But I'm quite good at keeping other people's secrets, like before the show, Ovie told me that he has a weird dick, and I would never tell anyone that.
- I can hide that for you.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I will keep that secret.
OK, let's get some answers.
Most people think they are good at keeping secrets - what do you think, Rob? I think people think they are.
They think they are, but they're not.
- But they'll say that they are.
- Yeah.
What do you think, Katherine? In the age of social media, there are no secrets.
My family found out I was married on The Jonathan Ross Show.
I don't think you're most people, though, Katherine.
Katherine's team? Do you think it's true, Ovie? I think it's true.
- Ovie says it's true.
- Ovie says it's true.
So that's what we say.
- We think whatever Ovie thinks.
- I agree, it's true.
I can tell you the answer is true.
89% of people think they are good at keeping secrets.
APPLAUSE I couldn't possibly reveal any showbusiness secrets.
All I can say is she left because she was fucking Noel Fielding.
How dare you! It's like a mad cheese dream.
Trying to work out the logistics, big pointy shoes It's like a hamster fucking a crow.
Wow.
I know a great way to keep a secret.
It doesn't always work, but you could try having Jeffrey Epstein killed.
Katherine, what do you like the look of? Hmm.
I like electricity.
OK, you've chosen electricity, so we're going to play a game.
Rob's team and Katherine, come and join me in the middle, and we're going to play Who Are You Shocking? APPLAUSE - Come on, Rosie, stop fucking about.
- Oh! - 'Kin 'ell, Rosie.
- I'm here! Katherine, Rob's team are hooked up to our electric shock machine, but it's rigged, so only one of them will receive a shock every time you press that button.
It's your job to work out who you are shocking.
Rob, Joel, Rosie, it is your job to confuse Katherine, get her to choose the wrong person.
OK, let's play Who Are You Shocking? Katherine, all you need to do is press this button to help you work out who's being shocked.
- You ready? - Yes.
OK, three, two, one - ELECTRICITY CRACKLES - Fucking hell! - Sorry.
- OK, so, what's your first thoughts? Who were you shocking there? Fucking hell.
Two of them I mean, Rosie, really, it could go either way.
Even I don't know! OK, hang on, I'm going to count you in.
OK, three, two, one, shock.
Fucking hell! I'm starting to enjoy it.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll turn it up.
Don't turn it up! No! Yeah, that's how that works.
LAUGHTER OK, we've increased the voltage.
No! Katherine, I'm disabled! Don't do it to me! - OK, you ready? - Yes.
OK, three, two, one, shock.
Sorry.
ROSIE SCREAMS Playing some fucking mind games, ain't I? - What was that?! - Just playing some mind games there, Katherine don't know if I'm playing it up or that was it.
Or I could have just piggybacked off the back of the shock.
I just thought at the end of that, it felt like it was your happy face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe I'm getting into it.
That's a face that only Mrs Beckett gets to see.
Yeah, every six months.
Oh, it's funny because it's true! Young kids.
OK, let's carry on! - OK, last one.
- You know what I think? I think you should turn it up.
LAUGHTER I'm just going to turn the dial, because imagine if that was a real thing.
LAUGHTER OK, last time.
Three, two, one, shock.
ROSIE SCREAMS KATHERINE LAUGHS The good news is, Rob's come.
OK, Katherine, simple question - who are you shocking? I don't think I'm shocking Rosie, because even you would not do that.
I think Rosie is too sweet.
I think Both Rob and Joel are really good at this.
Argh, I really can't tell.
I feel like I'm shocking Joel, though.
OK, so you're saying Joel.
OK, let's find out, and let's find out in a fun way.
What I'd like you to do is stop acting, and then press the button again, and you will see who you've been shocking.
- OK, so you said Joel - I think it's Joel.
.
.
so three, two, one ROSIE SCREAMS Is it?! I was shocking you?! Rosie! APPLAUSE ROSIE SHOUTS One point to Rob's team.
I'm sorry, are you OK? - Never shock a girl! - Unbelievable.
You have been shocking a woman with cerebral palsy! It's a disgrace! - Yeah! - It's a disgrace! - Awful.
- Shame! - Shame! - Shame! The producers were going to do Joel, and when I had a chat, I said, "Please.
"Let it be me.
Rosie, I can't believe it! Is that the? That's the shocking thing, is it? ROSIE SCREAMS Oh, the power! Jimmy, can I tell you a secret? Yeah.
A little bit.
LAUGHTER Rosie, I I also have a secret - I like it too.
APPLAUSE That's a point for Rob's team.
That's it for this part, we'll see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Tell them that you were completely gay .
.
until LAUGHTER - Come on - Hello! I'm sorry, Ovie, we should have established a safe word before you came on tonight.
Erm, OK, best way to impress someone you fancy.
What do you think? Oh, it's doing a wheelie on your BMX, isn't it? What girls don't like that? 100% hit rate down the Rec, that was.
- What about you, Joel? - It's the thing, isn't it? It's like it used to be the thing where people would do chat up lines.
We don't do cheesy chat up lines any more and I miss them, so I think how we should replace them with cheesy break-up lines and just Honestly, it totally works, just be like, "Hey, get your coat, you're moving out.
" It totally works.
You know? "Your father must be a thief, "and I don't want to marry into that.
" Like, that sort of thing.
Did you fall from heaven? Cos it looks like you landed on your nose.
Do loads of people fancy you, Joel, now that you're a big ITV celebrity? This I mean, if I'm in a room with Ovie, nobody fancies me at all.
- True story.
- Thank you, Catherine.
Thank you, Catherine.
I've always been really lucky because usually the people I fancy are really easily impressed because I'm very attracted to stupid people.
I love them dumb.
My ideal man is like a high functioning sex toy and, erm I think that joke's fine for a woman to make.
I mean, obviously, if a man made it about a woman, I would sign a petition, but I think it's fine.
And my girlfriend's a nice blend of the genders because she smells nice and she's really stupid, but, erm, I'm very attracted to idiots, so usually I'd just suggest like, showing them something shiny or maybe pulling a coin from behind their ear or Ovie, I would take that as a personal insult to you.
Oh, no, he was on Love Island! - He knows he's stupid, don't you? - LAUGHTER Oh! Oh! There's me There's me, Ovie.
There's me, I'm sitting here thinking, "I reckon the meanest thing that will have been done this evening "is electrocuting the girl with cerebral palsy.
" There's time for them to read when they get old.
Ovie, what do you do to impress? I mean, you've been on Love Island.
We know you've got game.
What do you do to impress someone you fancy? Yeah, I get to know them, innit? Everyone's different.
I don't think there's, like, one answer.
There's not one answer for every different woman in the world.
WHISPERS: Oh, Jesus Christ - And so you get to know them and then - Hold on a second.
You're turning me now.
- See? - Yeah, but are you just saying that because you can't do a wheelie on a BMX? I'm just saying, like, if you can, you can.
If you can't, you can't, do you know what I mean? Height isn't always your friend when you're doing tricks.
Joel, what do you think? Sliding on your knees at a disco? - Fucking yes! - Nice.
- Oh, yeah.
That gets all the That gets all the I go home alone.
Rosie, how do you, er How do you get some? Unfortunately, I can't use chat up lines because that would take too long.
Erm, but can I just say, my favourite chat up line on me was a guy came up to me in da club .
.
and, erm, he So, he had seen me the week before, but heard me talking, so he'd spent all week at home learning sign language.
Aw! So he came back then next week to ask me out in sign language.
And I just said to him, "I'm not fucking deaf.
" What a bellend! Why do you need a week to learn that and that? Those are the main ones.
- They're your top three, in't they? - You did those in a weird order.
- Start Start with that! - No, no, no And then that.
Then that! But if you get carried away and don't give that any attention, it feels like you should at the end, just to go, "Yeah, I know they're there.
I haven't got a problem with them, "they just got mixed up in the order.
" I'm starting to understand why you haven't had sex for six months.
Yeah.
OK, so, answers on this.
Best way to impress someone you fancy.
What do you think? Erm, is it buying flowers? KATHERINE: Suck them off? Wear them down.
Laugh at them? Is it laugh at them? How much are you sucking them off?! Is there a support group for your exes? "I used to have six inches till I met her.
"Just a nubbin!" I'll give you a clue.
You already have everything you need.
- Be yourself.
- It's the right answer.
- Ugh - Eurgh! That's good that we got the right Yes, the best way to impress someone you fancy is to be yourself.
I met a very pleasant woman online, but when I went to meet her, I felt disappointed, betrayed and upset.
She wasn't a pleasant young woman at all.
She turned out to be a gang of vigilantes.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Katherine's team have three points, but the winners tonight, Rob's team with four points.
APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
And facing them tonight Our type on paper - it's Ovie Soko! Full of laughs - it's Catherine Bohart! And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, nearly a third of people don't read instruction manuals? And the results can be catastrophic.
I set my penis pump to blow instead of suck, and now I've got an innie.
LAUGHTER 57% of Brits think World War III is likely in the next ten years, but will I be able to enjoy World War III if I haven't seen the first two? And 20% of Brits are happy to eat things that are well past their use by date, which I think means Grandad still gives Nana a treat from time to time.
Right, let's get started! APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Katherine's team, what do you think the nation's been talking about this week? I think the nation are talking about Winter Love Island.
Of course, we have Ovie from good Love Island.
LAUGHTER It isn't as good now, Jimmy, because we're being considerate, and being considerate sucks as entertainment.
It's like if you did Total Wipeout on a soft play.
There's no more smoking section, I haven't seen anyone banging, or even getting fingered.
Are you watching the show? - Yeah, I catch it.
- You catch it? The show, or? LAUGHTER When were you in theon the island? This last summer that went, I gotI went into Casa Amor.
I was in there for four weeks, and it was a good holiday, man.
Who did you hook up with when you were in there? I ended up leaving with India.
ROB: That's a lot of people, innit? APPLAUSE Mate, you're good-looking, but that's a hard task, the whole of India! - Rosie, you like Ovie as well, right? - Yeah.
What would you I mean, you areyou are .
.
you're a lesbian lady, butyou'd? I'mhonestly, I'm very, very, very gay.
But honestly, I want you to do things to me APPLAUSE .
.
that I only want to do to women.
I would let you slam dunk me.
Rosie, you do not want to go straight to Ovie.
You want to get yourself, like, a starter Rob.
No! No! APPLAUSE On Love Island, though, there's been loads of complaints.
They think the storylines are fake.
If you've got a problem with fake stuff, come on, forget about the storylines, start on the teeth and the tits, come on! What are you saying about fake teeth? Some of us aren't as blessed as you, Rob! - You got more than your share, that's what happened.
- I did.
I think Ovie smashed it, though.
Cos you went in there, everyone loved you, come out of it quite cool, there was no proper drama.
And cos you do basketball, you're now, like, the pundit on Sky Sports for basketball.
So you've nailed it.
You've sort of got your thing you do like that.
All the others are like, "Oh, look, JD sports! Oh, teeth whitening! Stick that up me arse! "Oh Hashtag gifted!" It's pathetic.
The other big controversy this year has been the noise of the kissing.
Apparently the kissing's been too loud on Love Island.
Your year was fine.
This year, way too loud with the kissing.
Take a look.
SHE WHISPERS: WET SQUELCHING Ah! WET SQUELCHING LAUGHTER Was that kissing? It sounded like a Wellington boot being pulled out of mud! The sound guy's just backstage, fosting a jar of Marmite.
I would rather listen to the audio from One Born Every Minute than that.
- Joel, do you watch Love Island? - I do.
My wife were watching it, and she said the kissing was too loud and I agreed to stop doing it, and I just It's the only thing, though, that gets me, is the ki When it's just like, just tone it down HE IMITATES SLURPING It's so hard right now! It sounds like when you've got a yoghurt and no spoon and a lot of ambition.
I think I don't know if I'm getting older on this series, or, likejust I found myself not, like, looking at the women on it.
I'm just like, "Oh, it looks lovely and hot.
" Just like, lie there with a book, have a dip A few years ago, my cock nearly fell off.
- Catherine, what do you think? - I was just going to say, it's insulting that they will scrape the bottom of the barrel with straight people before they'll even remotely consider putting a lesbian in there.
Like, there should be Why are there never any gay people? - Well, you have to be that dumb to fuck men.
- I suppose.
That's it.
That makes It makes sense now! Also, you can't have a lesbian on it because they'll all just couple up in the first week, buy cats and do DIY, and then Nobody would watch it.
It would be like, "Oh, they're still together.
Cool.
" 40 years on, they're still together.
It'sit's weird, they They've slightly run out of conversation this year.
Here's the girls talking about their favourite number.
What's your favourite number? I've got this in the bag.
11.
It's - Mine's 11! - It's 11? Oh, my goodness.
It is the freshest number.
- Like, you know when a number is so pure - Oh, my God, yes! Also, I love the number one, but one is just so lonely.
Like, 11 is two ones.
It's like two people.
I love it.
- Did you know that 1111 is the angel number? - Yes! I didn't know that, but it makes me love it more.
Every time you see 1111, you've got to make a wish.
And I was born on the 11th.
- Oh, I wish I was born on the 11th.
- That's my number.
I can't believe that, honestly.
11, I love it so much.
Like, I actually love it, like, when people ask me for my favourite number, I'm like, "I love 11.
" LAUGHTER Really, she's very She's just overcompensating because that's the number she can count to.
You know when someone's like, "Oh, 11's as high as I can go"? And she's just like, "I love 11! "Don't ask me about the teens, it gets real complicated.
"11's the best one!" Right, I know that .
.
I'm no-one to talk, but .
.
I cannot understand a fucking word they're saying! APPLAUSE What?! Well, I can tell you, Love Island is not one of the most talked about things but contestant Connor opened up about having a threesome on a first date.
I finally persuaded my girlfriend to have a threesome.
I can't wait to hear how it went.
OK, Rob, what else has the nation been talking about this week? - Well, we had Brexit day.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yes.
31st of Jan, Brexit today, and there was a special 50p coin with a quote on it about Brexit.
Which I think, after Brexit, is worth about 30p.
Yeah, it's worth 30p, now.
And the euro did one, they did a special euro coin with "fuck off" written on it.
It's been a lovely weekend for everyone involved.
Here's the coin.
Sajid Javid holding it, there he is.
Look at that, he's like Gollum, isn't he? LAUGHTER "Precious, my precious!" I quite like the coin.
I mean, I think that they It was nice of them to put something, like, kind on it.
Likelike, it could have been more on the nose, like, "fuck immigrants", or "I'd rather not have health care than have a brown doctor.
" You know, like, they could have That's on the teatowels.
Oh, 100%! 100%.
I don't think we need another day.
Brexit day.
It's We've got Christmas Day, New Year's Day, Pancake Day, St Swithin's Day, whatever the fuck that is There's too many days.
I've already got Battle of the Boyne in my calendar.
Why is it in there? I mean, why the hell is Battle of the Boyne? It happens eight times a year in my calendar! I don't know Should I be doing something? It's Battle of the Boyne! Get the boys round, Battle of the Boyne, isn't it? Get a pizza, couple of beers.
"Shall we have a barbecue?" "What for?" "It's Battle of the Boyne! "How could we forget? It's every other month!" This is the perfect embodiment of Englishmen and their own history.
"What is the Battle of the Boyne?!" What is the Battle of the Boyne? Do you know the Battle of the Boyne? Well, I have to, yeah, because it actually affected us.
- But the thing is - OK.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER - It's William of Orange, isn't it? It's Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's a feisty one.
- Surprise, you're the bad guys.
LAUGHTER Joel, what do you think? I like that it's They're making it a day.
I think it's nice, because it's just before Valentine's Day but it's kind of exactly the opposite, you know, Valentine's Day is about getting together, and this is the day where it's .
.
you know, tearing people apart.
And I think they should make it more of a thing.
- Make greeting cards, you know.
Go for it.
- Yeah.
Like, "Passports were red, now they're blue, "going to fuck up my country, we're not in the EU.
" Something like that.
APPLAUSE - KATHERINE: I like it! - Something like that.
The Tory party brought out a commemorative tea towel.
- Of course.
- Which is It's quite something.
Yeah, I gave it to my cleaner Magda as a going away present.
LAUGHTER - Is that real? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Why have they used a picture of me? Bang out of order! "Got Brexit done.
" Yeah, he came in at the last minute, though, innit? It's like going, "I got the barbecue done" when you came in just to get the burgers off the grill.
Theresa May's been down the garage getting fucking gas for it.
APPLAUSE How nice! Theresa May should be sat at home watching this, going, "Yeah, fucking finally! "Someone appreciates me!" "I checked the weather, "I said, 'are you doing anything for Battle of the Boyne?'" OK, so, Nigel Farage signed off from the European Parliament with all the grace you'd expect.
No more being talked down to.
No more being bullied.
No more Guy Verhofstadt.
I mean I mean, what's not to like? I know you're going to miss us.
I know you want to ban our national flags.
But we're going to wave you goodbye.
And we look forward in the future to working with you as sovereign AUDIO CUTS OU If you disobey the rules, you get cut off.
Could we please remove the flags? SCATTERED APPLAUSE Mr Farage .
.
could we remove the flags, please? That's it, it's all over.
Finished.
We've gone.
Could I please ask for quiet? BREXIT PARTY MEPs: Hooray! - Hip hip - Hooray! - Hip hip - Hooray! I'm really Please sit down, resume your seats, and put your flags away.
You're leaving.
And take them with you, if you are leaving now.
And CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Goodbye.
LAUGHTER Anthea Turner don't take any shit, does she? Was Ann Widdecombe there, as well? - Yeah.
- She's Brexit Party.
- It was all the virgins and flags.
LAUGHTER This is the thing.
If they want to Because I want to be balanced, I know a lot of people voted Leave because they do believe it will be better for the working class.
They do believe it will be better for the NHS.
They have empathy and they want to make things better.
But people like that don't celebrate a win in such a dickhead way.
Like, I know a lot of women campaigned in Ireland for abortion rights, but then when they won, we didn't walk up and down the street like, "Yeah!" Just chucking the morning after pill around We didn't behave that way, cos we genuinely just wanted to help.
And this is what puts me off.
It's that man and Ann Widdecombe and all their stupid friends.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ovie, what do you think? I think it's a scary time, likein the world.
The leader of our country, the leader of America.
You know, we've got one that comes down on zip lines with flags And, you know, Trump's been on bloody WWF.
So when you think about these people making, like, the big calls now, - like, it's justit's weird.
It's very scary, man.
- Yeah.
I tell you, the scariest thing is, Ovie from Love Island's talking sense! Rosie, what do you reckon? See, I don't get it, because even though we've left .
.
we've still got to stay in the rules to the end of the year.
It's like we're at a party, we've put our coat on, and we've gone, "This party "is fucking shit.
"You're all boring.
"I shagged your sister.
"Right, I'll have one more drink.
" APPLAUSE - That's exactly what's going on.
- Yeah! Well, let's have a look and see if Brexit's up there.
Yes, indeed.
It's Brexit.
APPLAUSE Britain is no longer in Europe, but what we are in is deep shit.
Now Britain has finally left the EU, politicians are free to focus on important things, like working out how to get Britain back into Europe.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, where we are still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
What do you think? Is it Prince Andrew's failure to cooperate with the FBI? Because it seems like someone who grew up being told he was better than us has turned round and acted like he's better than us.
So the big controversy this week has been about Prince Andrew allegedly not wanting to talk to the FBI.
This is what Prince Andrew originally said about talking to the FBI.
As you can see, he was totally relaxed about the idea.
You seem utterly convinced you're telling the truth.
Would you be willing to testify or give a statement under oath if you were asked? Well, I'm like everybody else.
I'm I'mI'm And I would have to take all the legal advice that there was before I was to do that sort of thing, but if push came to shove, and the lega HE COUGHS .
.
the legal advice was to do so, then I would be duty-bound to do so.
Virginia Roberts' lawyers, legal team, say that they've asked for a legal statement from you.
There is an active FBI investigation now.
- Would you be willing to provide that? - Again, I'm I'mI'm bound by what my legal advice is .
.
erm, legal advisers tell me.
Good.
Good.
Yeah, no, it's pretty clear.
You know he can't sweat? I reckon it's all just stored in his neck.
Well, he says he can't sweat, but I think an interview with the FBI might really test that to the limit.
They should interview him in a sauna.
He crumbled there with Emily Maitlis.
Imagine the FBI! He'd just be, like, in full panic mode.
"Take a seat.
" "Oh, I can't, actually, I haven't got an arse.
"It got blown off in the Falklands.
" "Where did it go?" I think he wants to cooperate with the FBI, it's just that, you know, since Epstein died, there's nowhere convenient for him to stay in America, so - You know, it's hard.
- Well, he's been the Queen's rock.
They're like, "Andrew is the Queen's rock.
" But a rock isn't always good.
Sometimes it can be used to weigh down a sack of kittens in a lake.
Yes! Well, what do you think, Ovie? Because you've been on telly.
You know what it's like to sort of come across well on television.
What mistakes do you think he made in that interview? He looks guilty.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yes, Ovie! OK, so if you are faced with that, if you had to be his sort of - PR manager, what would you have suggested? - Oh, man Probably LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH That's a sticky one! OK, let's have a look and see if Prince Andrew's up there.
ROB: Oh, he always is, dirty bastard! APPLAUSE Yes, it's Prince Andrew.
You can say what you like about Prince Andrew, but .
.
no, apparently you can't.
- OK.
Fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
- Oh! Is it the security threat to 5G from China? - What's the name of the phone company? - Hu-awei.
LAUGHTER I think it's a Geordie chat-up line, isn't it? "Hwa 'way?" I think the real injustice is that it's not pronounced "Hoo-a-woo-ee".
- "Hoo-a-woo-ee"? - Because that's funny.
- Hoo-a-woo-ee! - Hoo-a-woo-ee! It would be great.
Like, Loughborough's boring, but Loo-ga-ba-roo-ga LAUGHTER Who doesn't want to go to Loo-ga-ba-roo-ga?! But they think that they'll spy on us through 5G, but - Yeah.
- I don't think I'm very interesting to spy on.
What are they going to look at on my phone? It's just me watching Dennis Bergkamp videos and hardcore dwarf porn.
I know you can't say "dwarf" any more, but you try googling "little person porn" and not have the police round your house .
.
quicker than you can say "Snow White bukkake".
Because I'm telling you, - OK, so 5G - What's a G? What's a G? This guy.
I mean CATHERINE LAUGHS Oh, that might be the dumbest thing I ever said! Yeah, because 3G was quality for ages.
There was no 1 or 2G.
3G was quality, 4G popped up for a bit, now it's 5G.
- I mean, 3G's the OG of G.
- Yeah.
I mean, what next? Gina G.
- Gina G? - Gina G, yeah.
Really liked Gina G.
She didn't get a very good reception either! There was the G spot, but we couldn't find it - It's not that hard! Erm - LAUGHTER No, but it's fascinating that people are so suspicious of them, but actually, it's not like you can really turn them down as Britain.
Like, if you don't use these guys, then it's like they will just have to go back to dial-up and to that I say "Ni hao" to our new technological overlords.
If we don't go with them, we've got we've got Alan Sugar and Amstrad.
Exactly! Oh, we're using the Fax-o-phone 3000! Well, because Trump's supposed to be sorting it out.
He's gone, "Don't worry, Boris, I'll sort it out for you.
" It's like when you get a job priced up at home, and your mate goes, "I can do that half the price, don't worry.
" Before you know it, you've got your mate round the house, you've paid him in cash upfront, he's crying about his divorce, installing a 56K modem .
.
while you're digging out your VHS porn for an analogue wank.
Ovie, what do you make of this 5G? They reckon the Chinese will be able to spy on us.
Are you worried? Oh, God.
No, I'm not the person to ask.
Well, you're dressed like a spy! Katherine, are you worried by Huawei? I don't mind being spied on.
You know, you can watch me all day, I'll make little asides to the camera like my very own Fleabag.
I wouldn't mind it at all, but I don't understand G, and I don't understand why we can't make our own G.
Do you know what I mean? Why do we need American G or Chinese G? Chinese G sounds like a geezer! "Who's coming tonight? Mike, Phil, Chinese G" I just don't get it.
When it turns to anything technical, I don't understand what's going on.
WHAT'S A G? It's a concept.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
It's not tangible.
This is how I feel about space! I'm so angry that people go to space, there are these new pictures of the sun under a microscope.
I don't give a fuck about the sun! It's just a fucking candle! Has it been a tough week? You seem under a lot of stress.
Sometimes I forget you were originally a ginger woman, and now I've seen you talk about the sun, and I'm like, there it is.
I am very angry! Let's have a look and see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Huawei.
- APPLAUSE - Hoo-a-woo-ee! Why is everyone so worried about the Chinese listening to our conversations? Just don't speak in Chinese.
So those were the nation's most popular talking points, but in other news, it's been revealed that HS2 is going to cost £106 billion.
It's the biggest waste of money since your mum bought that treadmill.
APPLAUSE So at the end of that round, Rob's team have two points, Catherine's team have one point.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Rosie, Joel, what do you like the look of? Ooh, OK.
Oh! Is that a school photo? It does look like that.
It does really look like that.
- We're going to have to go for Joel.
- OK, you've gone for Joel.
Joel, you are used to keeping secrets on The Masked Singer, so here's your related question.
What do you think? I think I'm bad, actually, at keeping secrets.
And I'm now involved in The Masked Sinner, which involves me keeping a secret.
We filmed it in September, so You filmed it in September? Cheque's landed, right? Fuck it.
- Yeah, that's true.
- LAUGHTER Basically, with The Masked Singer, it's so funny, because people on Twitter and everyone who watches it generally go, like, "What is this show? "This is the worst television I've ever seen.
" Then five minutes later, they're like, "I'm addicted, "I love this show so much.
" - I love that show so much.
- Thank you, Rosie.
But the only heartbreaking thing for me is I can never do it.
Because people will be like, "Why's that unicorn got cerebral palsy? "Oh, it's Rosie!" This is the thing, this is the thing with the show, Rosie.
People throw out red herrings.
You could be someone pretending to have cerebral palsy.
Rosie, you could go on it and pretend not to have cerebral palsy.
Oh, but then I'd lose a lot of TV work.
APPLAUSE Rosie Rosie, never mind the TV work, what about the benefits? LAUGHTER Imagine the disabled bay, you can really lay it on thick.
Yeah, I love that, but my favourite perk is the toilet.
- Oh, the toilet.
- Great for shitting, great for wanking.
Wanking! Is that what those bars are for? And then you pull the cord when you've come? "I've come! Someone help me! Absolute mess in here!" APPLAUSE I used the disabled toilet once, because there was no other toilet.
- No! - I'm sorry, right? - Rob! - I'm sorry.
- You should have shat yourself.
I should have shat myself.
That's it, that's what I should have done.
- Yeah.
- But I thought, "I'll go in, I'll be quick," right? I was in there and someone knocked on the door.
I said, "I'll be out in a minute," and then he went, "I hope you're disabled.
" - Bit much, innit? - Yeah.
Rob, you could at keeping secrets? It depends who you're trying to keep it from, innit? If you're try to keep a secret from your mum, that's fine, but if the Taliban have got electrodes attached to your bollocks, then you're going to talk.
What about you guys, are you good at keeping secrets? I'm good at keeping all of your secrets, even the ones about your sexuality.
Ovie, have you kept any big secret? Yeah, I'm good at keeping secrets.
Are you? Like when you call people for a chat, which means a confidential - conversation in front of five million people? - Oh, no, yeah.
There are no secrets in the house, but in general, if it's a big enough secret, if it's important, I'll keep it.
Like if you're dating Amber? Oh, Lord.
If you were dating Amber, would you be able to keep that a secret? If I was dating Amber, it wouldn't be a secret.
So you're not DATING Amber, you are? Oh, I feel like I can't win, can't win here! - What do you mean you can't win? You're fucking Amber! - Yeah, you won! LAUGHTER Rosie's very good for a secret, because she's usually pissed.
- Like, learned so much, we got to slag people off.
- Yeah.
And I like when people cut straight to the point, I don't want any small talk, I want to know who's fucking now.
Me, not.
- I've had the best secrets off you, Rosie.
- Yeah.
I mean, I am like a human megaphone.
Yeah.
Like, because people think I am a cute little disabled lady, and they're like, "Oh, can I confide in you?" And I'm like Oh, do that face again.
That's a very good confiding face.
Can I confide in you, Rosie? Can I confide in you? And then I'm like, "Oh, my God! "Everyone, guess who's in a throuple?" - Yeah! - Foot porn? - A throuple.
- A threesome, Jimmy.
A throuple.
Who calls it a throuple? It sounds like something from the Victorian ages.
"One had a throuple last night.
" LAUGHTER What's your biggest secret, Catherine? Unfortunately, I've told everyone all of my secrets to make money.
- Yeah! - But I'm quite good at keeping other people's secrets, like before the show, Ovie told me that he has a weird dick, and I would never tell anyone that.
- I can hide that for you.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I will keep that secret.
OK, let's get some answers.
Most people think they are good at keeping secrets - what do you think, Rob? I think people think they are.
They think they are, but they're not.
- But they'll say that they are.
- Yeah.
What do you think, Katherine? In the age of social media, there are no secrets.
My family found out I was married on The Jonathan Ross Show.
I don't think you're most people, though, Katherine.
Katherine's team? Do you think it's true, Ovie? I think it's true.
- Ovie says it's true.
- Ovie says it's true.
So that's what we say.
- We think whatever Ovie thinks.
- I agree, it's true.
I can tell you the answer is true.
89% of people think they are good at keeping secrets.
APPLAUSE I couldn't possibly reveal any showbusiness secrets.
All I can say is she left because she was fucking Noel Fielding.
How dare you! It's like a mad cheese dream.
Trying to work out the logistics, big pointy shoes It's like a hamster fucking a crow.
Wow.
I know a great way to keep a secret.
It doesn't always work, but you could try having Jeffrey Epstein killed.
Katherine, what do you like the look of? Hmm.
I like electricity.
OK, you've chosen electricity, so we're going to play a game.
Rob's team and Katherine, come and join me in the middle, and we're going to play Who Are You Shocking? APPLAUSE - Come on, Rosie, stop fucking about.
- Oh! - 'Kin 'ell, Rosie.
- I'm here! Katherine, Rob's team are hooked up to our electric shock machine, but it's rigged, so only one of them will receive a shock every time you press that button.
It's your job to work out who you are shocking.
Rob, Joel, Rosie, it is your job to confuse Katherine, get her to choose the wrong person.
OK, let's play Who Are You Shocking? Katherine, all you need to do is press this button to help you work out who's being shocked.
- You ready? - Yes.
OK, three, two, one - ELECTRICITY CRACKLES - Fucking hell! - Sorry.
- OK, so, what's your first thoughts? Who were you shocking there? Fucking hell.
Two of them I mean, Rosie, really, it could go either way.
Even I don't know! OK, hang on, I'm going to count you in.
OK, three, two, one, shock.
Fucking hell! I'm starting to enjoy it.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll turn it up.
Don't turn it up! No! Yeah, that's how that works.
LAUGHTER OK, we've increased the voltage.
No! Katherine, I'm disabled! Don't do it to me! - OK, you ready? - Yes.
OK, three, two, one, shock.
Sorry.
ROSIE SCREAMS Playing some fucking mind games, ain't I? - What was that?! - Just playing some mind games there, Katherine don't know if I'm playing it up or that was it.
Or I could have just piggybacked off the back of the shock.
I just thought at the end of that, it felt like it was your happy face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe I'm getting into it.
That's a face that only Mrs Beckett gets to see.
Yeah, every six months.
Oh, it's funny because it's true! Young kids.
OK, let's carry on! - OK, last one.
- You know what I think? I think you should turn it up.
LAUGHTER I'm just going to turn the dial, because imagine if that was a real thing.
LAUGHTER OK, last time.
Three, two, one, shock.
ROSIE SCREAMS KATHERINE LAUGHS The good news is, Rob's come.
OK, Katherine, simple question - who are you shocking? I don't think I'm shocking Rosie, because even you would not do that.
I think Rosie is too sweet.
I think Both Rob and Joel are really good at this.
Argh, I really can't tell.
I feel like I'm shocking Joel, though.
OK, so you're saying Joel.
OK, let's find out, and let's find out in a fun way.
What I'd like you to do is stop acting, and then press the button again, and you will see who you've been shocking.
- OK, so you said Joel - I think it's Joel.
.
.
so three, two, one ROSIE SCREAMS Is it?! I was shocking you?! Rosie! APPLAUSE ROSIE SHOUTS One point to Rob's team.
I'm sorry, are you OK? - Never shock a girl! - Unbelievable.
You have been shocking a woman with cerebral palsy! It's a disgrace! - Yeah! - It's a disgrace! - Awful.
- Shame! - Shame! - Shame! The producers were going to do Joel, and when I had a chat, I said, "Please.
"Let it be me.
Rosie, I can't believe it! Is that the? That's the shocking thing, is it? ROSIE SCREAMS Oh, the power! Jimmy, can I tell you a secret? Yeah.
A little bit.
LAUGHTER Rosie, I I also have a secret - I like it too.
APPLAUSE That's a point for Rob's team.
That's it for this part, we'll see you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your first one.
Tell them that you were completely gay .
.
until LAUGHTER - Come on - Hello! I'm sorry, Ovie, we should have established a safe word before you came on tonight.
Erm, OK, best way to impress someone you fancy.
What do you think? Oh, it's doing a wheelie on your BMX, isn't it? What girls don't like that? 100% hit rate down the Rec, that was.
- What about you, Joel? - It's the thing, isn't it? It's like it used to be the thing where people would do chat up lines.
We don't do cheesy chat up lines any more and I miss them, so I think how we should replace them with cheesy break-up lines and just Honestly, it totally works, just be like, "Hey, get your coat, you're moving out.
" It totally works.
You know? "Your father must be a thief, "and I don't want to marry into that.
" Like, that sort of thing.
Did you fall from heaven? Cos it looks like you landed on your nose.
Do loads of people fancy you, Joel, now that you're a big ITV celebrity? This I mean, if I'm in a room with Ovie, nobody fancies me at all.
- True story.
- Thank you, Catherine.
Thank you, Catherine.
I've always been really lucky because usually the people I fancy are really easily impressed because I'm very attracted to stupid people.
I love them dumb.
My ideal man is like a high functioning sex toy and, erm I think that joke's fine for a woman to make.
I mean, obviously, if a man made it about a woman, I would sign a petition, but I think it's fine.
And my girlfriend's a nice blend of the genders because she smells nice and she's really stupid, but, erm, I'm very attracted to idiots, so usually I'd just suggest like, showing them something shiny or maybe pulling a coin from behind their ear or Ovie, I would take that as a personal insult to you.
Oh, no, he was on Love Island! - He knows he's stupid, don't you? - LAUGHTER Oh! Oh! There's me There's me, Ovie.
There's me, I'm sitting here thinking, "I reckon the meanest thing that will have been done this evening "is electrocuting the girl with cerebral palsy.
" There's time for them to read when they get old.
Ovie, what do you do to impress? I mean, you've been on Love Island.
We know you've got game.
What do you do to impress someone you fancy? Yeah, I get to know them, innit? Everyone's different.
I don't think there's, like, one answer.
There's not one answer for every different woman in the world.
WHISPERS: Oh, Jesus Christ - And so you get to know them and then - Hold on a second.
You're turning me now.
- See? - Yeah, but are you just saying that because you can't do a wheelie on a BMX? I'm just saying, like, if you can, you can.
If you can't, you can't, do you know what I mean? Height isn't always your friend when you're doing tricks.
Joel, what do you think? Sliding on your knees at a disco? - Fucking yes! - Nice.
- Oh, yeah.
That gets all the That gets all the I go home alone.
Rosie, how do you, er How do you get some? Unfortunately, I can't use chat up lines because that would take too long.
Erm, but can I just say, my favourite chat up line on me was a guy came up to me in da club .
.
and, erm, he So, he had seen me the week before, but heard me talking, so he'd spent all week at home learning sign language.
Aw! So he came back then next week to ask me out in sign language.
And I just said to him, "I'm not fucking deaf.
" What a bellend! Why do you need a week to learn that and that? Those are the main ones.
- They're your top three, in't they? - You did those in a weird order.
- Start Start with that! - No, no, no And then that.
Then that! But if you get carried away and don't give that any attention, it feels like you should at the end, just to go, "Yeah, I know they're there.
I haven't got a problem with them, "they just got mixed up in the order.
" I'm starting to understand why you haven't had sex for six months.
Yeah.
OK, so, answers on this.
Best way to impress someone you fancy.
What do you think? Erm, is it buying flowers? KATHERINE: Suck them off? Wear them down.
Laugh at them? Is it laugh at them? How much are you sucking them off?! Is there a support group for your exes? "I used to have six inches till I met her.
"Just a nubbin!" I'll give you a clue.
You already have everything you need.
- Be yourself.
- It's the right answer.
- Ugh - Eurgh! That's good that we got the right Yes, the best way to impress someone you fancy is to be yourself.
I met a very pleasant woman online, but when I went to meet her, I felt disappointed, betrayed and upset.
She wasn't a pleasant young woman at all.
She turned out to be a gang of vigilantes.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING KLAXON Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show which means the final scores are Katherine's team have three points, but the winners tonight, Rob's team with four points.
APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.