8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s22e06 Episode Script
Jamie Laing, Jessica Knappett, Rose Matafeo, Geoff Norcott
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats: Made In Chelsea.
It's Jamie Lang.
Jess who? It's Jessica Knappett.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, strike a Rose, it's Rose Matafeo.
Geoff we can, it's Geoff Norcott.
And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 15% of British men own a man bag? My uncle carries a man bag everywhere, always has, ever since his prostate operation went wrong.
LAUGHTER 25% of Brits say they'd like to be in the Royal family.
Well, that's good timing because there's currently two vacancies.
LAUGHTER Probably a third before the end of the year.
You've got options on who that punch line is about.
And within six months of a pet dying, half of all owners get another one.
When my dog died, I had him stuffed, so it feels like he's still here.
I mean, the sex isn't the same, but, still LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
- Rob's team, what has the nation been talking about? - Is it, er, - Phillip Schofield coming out on This Morning? - Yeah, Phillip came out.
- Yeah.
- Round fo applause for Philip.
APPLAUSE - He's come out.
- What do you think? Some people go, like, a lot of them, like, you see a lot of blokes go, like, "Oh, yeah, I could have told you that, I knew, I knew.
" Well, how? For me, he was just a bloke who presented telly, there was nothing diff It weren't like he was presenting This Morning with chaps on and a hard hat, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER It's a pretty good way of getting out of buying a Valentine's - present, though, isn't it? It's good timing.
- Great timing.
Well, following the announcement, Phillip sat down for a touching chat with his co-host, Holly Willoughby, and Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, take a look.
APPLAUSE - Thank you, sweetheart, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Well done.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Well done.
Well PHILIP SIGHS HEAVILY - Better? - I must say - Yeah.
- Better? - Come in here.
Phillip Nobody should be embarrassed about their sexuality.
- I'm not.
- And It's fantastic that you have spoken out.
And there'll be so many people who will be strengthened by what you said.
And, you know, we, as Holly said, we're all here by your side.
We'll be the first to stand beside you.
So, absolutely brilliant, mate.
As long as, you know, Steph's happy, family, the girls are happy, - everything.
- Thank you.
- Everybody must be happy for you.
- They're all that matters, really, aren't they? - Yeah.
- They're all that matters.
- And doing it And doing it right.
- Do you feel a bit better now? - You OK? I think you've just been waiting for this moment for a long time.
- Breathe.
- I know.
- And breathe.
- This is the sister I never had.
Oh, we're very lucky, we are very blessed.
- Yeah.
- It's nice.
A nice thing.
That whole conversation They're all on MDMA, that's basically LAUGHTER .
.
every conversation you have on MDMA, you're like, "I really love you, man, I love you, whatever you are.
" It's really brave that he's done that and also, it's given me the courage to You know, I'm not gay, but I need to come out and say that I am now middle-class.
LAUGHTER So brave.
What was the first sign? The first sign was I watched the rugby.
LAUGHTER You didn't eat a burger with a knife and fork, did you? No, I'm not there yet.
I'm not there yet.
I've got to say, I'm delighted for you, Rob, because, as friends, we all thought something's going on and we were saying, "He looks like he's known the taste of brioche," but I've been dabbling with quinoa! Yeah.
I know a few women who have been married 27 years and I think it is every woman's dream to have her husband come out .
.
at exactly that time.
You know, the kids have gone to college, you don't want to bang him any more.
All of a sudden, you've got your best friend to go shopping with and all of a sudden, there's a lot of hot guys around the house.
Win, win.
LAUGHTER If my husband doesn't come out after 27 years, I'm going to be pissed! LAUGHTER Well, let's see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Phillip Schofield.
Of course, we all support Phillip Schofield, it's just hard to process how Dancing On Ice could somehow get even gayer.
LAUGHTER Baffling.
OK, Katherine's team, what else have the nation been talking about, - this week? - Is it the most successful parasite in Hollywood since Harvey Weinstein? - Is it the Oscars? - The Oscars, the Oscars were this week, yeah, it was huge.
Did you watch any of the movies, did you watch Parasite? - Yes.
- You did? - Have you seen it? I don't seen any Oscar movies because I don't like feelings.
Oh LAUGHTER Well, there's no way for your face to express them, now.
LAUGHTER But I watched Parasite.
It was freaking sick and it was amazing to see I mean, everyone thought 1917 was going to win.
Because it won the BAFTA.
But I think at the BAFTAs, all the people voting thought they were filling out their birth year.
They always give, as well, like, you know when the actors give a political speech, you know, it's great there's diversity on race and gender.
I'd like some political diversity, as well.
Because they're always, like, anti-establishment, you know? It'd just be nice if someone went up once in a while and said, "Do you know what? Sometimes tax cuts for the rich work.
" You know? And maybe five years old is too young for a child to pick their own gender.
Anyway, love you, Hollywood.
ROB LAUGHS APPLAUSE The thing I've always thought, there's a lot of emphasis on the losers' face at the Oscars and they go, "Oh, look, they put a camera on someone to see them," like, they've got to pretend to be, like, oh, happy for the other person, but I think you've just got to go hard-core and I would just do my sex face.
Go on, so, what's your The award goes to Romesh Ranganathan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Yeah.
- How How is everyone I'm just saying, if you do that one year, they'll never go to you again.
Because they'll be, like, "Oh, Beckett's up, don't go on him, it's disgusting.
" Is that actually your sex face? - I don't know, I've never had sex with me.
- You must have You must have flogged into the mirror and seen? Everyone's done it.
Are you suggesting that I've masturbated looking at myself in the mirror? - Anyone who's been on a long-haul flight has done it.
- No! Jamie! It's not a Virgin flight, any more, is it? This is it! This is the coronavirus super spreader.
Travelling all over the East, wanking on flights.
LAUGHTER The problem is, now, whenever you're on a plane, everybody's going to be sitting there, like, "Do you reckon he's had it yet?" I'll walk out of the loo and go "Ah!" LAUGHTER Better than going, "Bah!" Or he can come and go Are you making eye contact with yourself when you do it? - Yeah.
- No, but I think what Jamie What Jamie was saying is that if you're in that toilet, the mirror's there, you can't not, but you don't seek out a mirror at home to do it, do you? I don't hold up a mirror and look at myself, no.
- There's one on walls.
- Yeah, there is one on walls But I don't go to the mirror to have KATHERINE: I get it, actually.
The most fucked up version of Beauty And The Beast.
Just I had a friend at school who said he had a technique to it.
What he used to do, he used to get tissue paper and he would Sellotape the tissue paper to the desk and then he would put some tissue paper on the ground and he would flob onto the tissue paper and the weight of it would break off and it would fall on the ground and then he'd chuck it in the bin.
- What, in class? - No, not in class! Who's wanking at a desk?! - Why is he? - We all had desks.
We lived there because our parents hated us! LAUGHTER OK, the Oscars, everyone! The Oscars! That's right, we're talking about the Oscars.
I can tell you the Oscars is not one of the most talked about things, but this year, women and minorities cleaned up at the Oscars, but only after all the stars had left.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE Parasite swept the board at the Oscars.
which means, sadly, Rob will never get to enjoy it.
LAUGHTER I'm not You know, if I want to read, I'll read a book.
How's that caterpillar getting on? That Caterpillar At the moment, peckish.
OK, fingers on buzzers, what else have the nation been talking about, this week? BUZZER SOUNDS Rob's team.
- Well, it's been the first days of Brexit, hasn't it? - It was amazing how little changed.
- It was all a big build-up and it felt - Yeah.
- It felt remarkably similar.
- It was a bit like, when you agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend with someone? It's a big day and there's lead-up and you're excited and then nothing really happens.
And you think, "Oh, this is going to be a mess when it goes wrong.
" What do you mean? Do you say that? Yeah, you have to ask someone to be their girlfriend.
I don't I don't know.
Yeah, but you just fuck loads of other people anyway, so it don't really matter, does it? LAUGHTER It's very much a free trade agreement.
He's not a single market man.
No, no, no, he's not a rules guy.
I've heard good things about his withdrawal agreement.
OK, so Remainers claim that people that voted Leave didn't know what they were talking about.
Take a look at this eye-opening clip of Stacey and Tracey that went viral last week.
But I'm joined now by two people who have come to celebrate Brexit, both east Londoners, Stacey and Tracey, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
And for you, what does tonight mean? We've just left the EU.
We have and it's amazing.
It's what we've been waiting for, for four years.
It means we get our country back, we get our sovereignty back.
What does that actually mean? In practical terms, what do you mean? Wellthe country's ours again and we can have a lot more say, - a lot more rule to what happens in it.
- Over which rules? - I don't know.
- Our court Our court laws - Are bad.
.
.
will be changed into ours, so we have more say what goes on in this country.
- So human rights and everything will be turned into our laws.
- Yeah.
And we will have the right to Well, our courts will have the right to say what goes on instead of - .
.
Germany.
- LAUGHTER - And that's Geoff's wife and mum, there.
- It is.
That is my wife and mum.
How dare you? - That's family.
- Yeah.
It did, it did feel a bit like Brexit in the end.
The longer it went on, you just thought, "Oh, just get on with it", - you know what I mean? - The deal is what's worrying now.
Everyone goes, what's the deal with Canada? I don't know.
How come I'm not as famous as Celine? - I don't know what Canada's deal is.
- I've no idea what Canada's deal is.
I just know we got you.
I don't know what they got.
Well, I'll tell you what they got.
They got French on everything.
You don't want that deal.
Can you imagine Stacey and Tracey when all the labels are in French? Can you imagine Stacey and Tracey trying to read another language when they don't even speak the first one that they know? - APPLAUSE - I'm worried! ROB: Stacey and Tracey! You need, like, a motto.
- You know, you need like a - What's yours, Jamie? - Mine's a good one.
"Fuck it, I'm loaded"? - No.
- What is it? - GEOFF: In Latin.
- Mine is, "Ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
" - Aah! So basically, "Fuck it, I'm loaded"? That is terrible! That's the worst That's a real sex offender's credo, isn't it? That's like a Harvey Weinstein motto, isn't it? That's his defence.
No, you just do it and then say sorry later, but, like Not as in that.
You don't do that.
KATHERINE: I love that Jamie's motto is, "Ask for forgiveness, not permission.
Not that!" The full thing is a good motto.
Do you know, one of the weird things that's happened as well is the Tories have now got to please the Northerners, and they're going really Northern, aren't they? - Oh, they are going - They are going super - .
.
so Northern.
Here's the Conservative Party appealing to Northern voters.
It's fairly cringey.
I mean, good luck.
Is that right? Right, Right, right.
- Jeez.
- Is that.
.
? Is that? It's like a coming-out video.
"I've felt it for years, and now I've got to tell you, "I'm a Tory voter!" What the? What is that? Why was he standing like that? Why did no-one get him a chair? Because he wasn't welcome.
Yeah, he didn't stand up.
He is the most awkward man I Pff! It feels like he weren't Northern enough, that bloke, so, like, "He's just got a jumper and a beard.
I think we might need a hat!" Was he Northern enough for you, the man from Bolton, there? He felt a little bit like - Actually, no, he's definitely a posh Northerner.
- Yeah, he is.
- Like me.
- Are you a posh Northerner? Yeah, no-one believes that outside of the North.
- Yeah, no, where are you from? - Bradford! - Bradford? Yeah, but what's the difference between a posh Northerner and a - A posh one don't live in Bradford.
- I mean, it's the same as - It's the same as posh Southern, it's just, you know - No, no, it isn't.
- Sorry, I'm Jimmy, Jimmy! - No, it isn't, and you know it.
I am coming out as posh.
- No-one ever believes that you can be posh and Northern.
- No.
- That's a thing.
- Yeah.
I don't think it is.
- GEOFF: Could I just say? - No, it sounds really different, it's hard to tell because you've still got the accent, where Southern posh, you definitely have the posh accent.
- I sound exactly the same as you.
- I'm no Jamie Laing.
- I was born Say, "Hello, my name's Rob.
" POSH: Hello.
We sound exactly the same! I think it's time to be honest for Northerners as well.
I think it's good that we get rid of this north-south divide.
I know a lot of Northerners think that Londoners are unfriendly cos when you get on the tube, no-one's talking.
It's not.
We are, but when you get on, it's a bit like that bit in Toy Story when a human comes in the room, do you know what I mean? The moment you've gone, we're up, going, "You've got a friend in me".
Does this mean now, does this mean now that we need underwater borders for fish? Yeah, because do you know what they can do, France, if they restrict - the fishing borders, they can just sprinkle fish food.
- Yeah.
And then the fish will all go to Europe and then what are we going to eat? I'll say it once and I'll say it again, these fish need passports.
Yeah.
And they need to be laminated, um They can't be blue.
- You can't have a blue passport.
- That'll just blend in.
Also, a blue passport sounds like there's going to be some, like, tits in it.
- Got a blue passport.
- A blue passport.
- Oh, oh! - Oh, oh! That would work, though, because you're going to have longer queues, now, if you want to go to Europe with your blue passport.
So if you open that baby up and your tits are there Right in.
I used that kind of trick in college.
Imagine arrivals in, like, Magaluf.
The "tits out" queue would be as long as the normal queue.
It's the It's the one area where women are at an advantage, really, isn't it? Cos you What's the male equivalent? You can't just show them the tip.
Bollock cleavage? Just show Show a little bit, not too much, I mean, tasteful A tasteful amount.
OK, let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Brexit.
APPLAUSE Following our withdrawal from the EU, the pound is now worth less.
Sorry, I've read that wrong.
The pound is now worthless.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of Ten Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Katherine's team.
Is it that Labour MP Tracy Brabin seems to have put her BRA in the BIN.
Because she's wearing that sultry little one-shoulder top.
Well, we've got a picture of this.
I didn't think it quite scandalised me, but here's Tracy Brabin.
That's what she wore in Parliament, and people lost their minds over this.
ROB: To be fair, I fucking love shoulders.
- It's quite niche, but fucking A good shoulder! - Phwoar! Oh, just the way it's, like, there.
You know what I mean? Everything hangs on it.
Without your shoulder, you're fucking nothing, are you? It's just there.
Look at the bloke behind her.
That is not a good face, is it? It's like Sid James doing a "Gwa-ha-ha-ha!" It's because these dudes in the House of Commons, they're so sexually repressed, they see ankle and their dick explodes like a bottle of Sprite on a plane.
Don't get me started on ankles! Oh! I really don't get it.
Cos, to me, an off-the-shoulder top - that is a classy look where I come from.
Pair it with a fascinator, get yourself down the Slug & Lettuce, Tracy.
Oh, sure, sure.
She She was criticised online, and people said dreadful things.
Yeah, but who gives a fuck about online? Cos people are sensitive, that's what happens.
Just don't read it.
Pretend it's not there.
Female MPs are not sensitive.
You want to see a day in hell, look at what female MPs get online.
OK, her response was fantastic.
Tracy Brabin responded to criticism online with this tweet.
She said It's fair to say, absolutely, women do get more emphasis on the way that they look.
But also, it can go the other way.
Like, ladies, if you look lovely, you go to a party, you get told you look stunning.
But, as a bloke, the best you can get is, "Oh, you look smart.
" That's the BEST.
- That's not true.
- The best outcome you could get.
- I tell you you look stunning all the time, you dirty slag.
- This is true.
- It is mental, though, that the House of Commons, right - Yeah.
.
.
they're meant to represent us, but none of them look like us.
People wear jeans and T-shirts.
- They look like you.
- Yeah, to be fair.
They look a bit like me.
In fairness, yeah.
In fairness, they do look a bit like me.
The dress code is exclusionary.
Like, they can't all dress like Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he owns a Victorian slave ship.
I'm really glad he was able to see this, because, finally, he'll have something fresh in his wank bank, which used to just contain the corpse of Margaret Thatcher.
I can't get over the logistics of banging someone over a wheelie bin.
You've got to be at least 6'5".
- So what you do is - That is a tall man's sport.
- Rob, what you do is, you turn it on its side.
- On its side? - Yeah.
- OK.
Well, there's a girl from the posh bit of Well, I can tell you, Tracy Brabin's off-the-shoulder dress was not one of the most talked about things this week, but Tracy Braden has received an incredible amount of support, mainly from her strapless bra.
OK, one more thing.
What else have people been talking about this week? - BUZZER - Is it Donald Trump? Yeah, the Donald Trump news.
Go on, tell me more.
Well, you know, Donald Trump was acquitted, and we always knew he was going to be.
He has a really high approval rating among the Republicans.
So that's great news for everyone.
Like, how has that happened? What kind of, like? It's gross.
Well, following his acquittal, Trump delivered a typically rambling speech to the press which included some extraordinary unpresidential language.
We were treated unbelievably unfairly.
And you have to understand, we first went through "Russia, Russia, Russia".
It was all bullshit.
- Yeah.
- No! - Yeah, that's the leader of the free world right there.
So That terrifies me.
Honestly, it gives me It scares me that, like, old, crazy men are running the world at the moment.
I I genuinely believe that aunties should rule the world.
Yeah, but, to be fair, Rose West was someone's auntie.
And she never missed a Christmas card! I tell you who should be in charge.
If you were going to pick someone to be in charge of America, I would pick Nancy Pelosi.
So he gave his speech, and you could see her in the background - she had a copy of his speech.
Take a look at what she thinks of it.
Thank you.
God bless you.
And God bless America.
Thank you very much.
I just can't believe they let th Republicans decide whether or not Trump was impeached.
Like, of course he wouldn't be.
That's like letting Jimmy do self-assessment.
Know what I'm saying? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's fair.
I'll take that.
- JESS: Oh, God.
I've got to stick up for Jimmy here.
As a Conservative, this guy is a fucking inspiration.
Do you know what I mean? He This is the man that got me into tax avoidance in the first place.
I salute you.
All right, let's, er Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Trump's acquittal.
We lost a classic American hero last week in Kirk Douglas.
Wouldn't it be great if Donald Trump could be more like Kirk Douglas? Dead.
So those with a nation's most popular talking points.
But, in other news, it's Prince Andrew's 60th birthday this week.
Which he'll no doubt be celebrating in Pizza Express, Woking.
In environmental news, beavers from Eurasia are being reintroduced to Britain.
If you'd like to know more about that story, simply google "Eurasian beavers".
On someone else's laptop.
And the government of Finland is offering free gym memberships to all of its citizens.
Makes sense - it's Finland, not Fatland.
GENTLE ROLLING LAUGHTER I liked it.
OK, at the end of that round, Rob's team have two points.
Katherine's team have one point.
CHEERING That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Katherine, Rose, Geoff, what do you like the look of? - I like the valentine.
- You've chosen the valentine's card.
Here's your related question.
Most people hate Valentine's Day, true or false? Well, I hate Valentine's Day, but I'm not most people.
I don't think it's fun to go out on the busiest night of the year and watch your partner just spend a fixed-fee on dinner and then pulling a rose away from an aggressive Romanian.
LAUGHTER I hate Valentine's Day because if you're single it reminds you you're alone and if you're with someone it reminds you you've got someone but you're still not happy.
And I know that's true because I read it on a card from my boyfriend.
That was a joke.
I don't have a boyfriend.
It's just a very lonely time.
LAUGHTER I'm at the other end.
I've been married 15 years - Nearly gay! - Nearly gay, yeah.
LAUGHTER 12 more to go! At the moment, Valentine's is just a firm handshake and a nod.
We're still here.
It's weird, as well, cos I think most people, you rarely find someone who's a big Valentine's Day - Everyone thinks it's shit.
- What? My wife thinks it's shit, but if I forget, she'll still be angry.
Work that one out.
I hated that thing, like the opposite of Valentine's Day, everyone was like a month later it's steak-and-blowjob day, as if that's the opposite of Valentine's Day.
Then shall we rename Valentine's Day to plant-based-protein-and-pussy? LAUGHTER I'm not adverse to that.
Then step up, Rob, step up.
Is Emma stepping up her expectations now that you're doing a lot of telly and touring? Er, she, yeah.
I'm not like well-known.
I'm not sure how many of this audience knew me.
When I walked on, it looked like an electrician had wandered on set, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER - You looked stunning.
- Thank you .
.
slag! LAUGHTER That felt like a risk.
Fuck me! I'm in my early 40s now.
My body is starting to fail a bit.
I've got carpal tunnel in both hands.
I can't really grip things.
I always thought she'd leave me for somebody taller or richer, but it could just be a bloke who could open jars at this point.
LAUGHTER Some flash bastard comes in and goes, "Give me that marmalade.
" "OK, mate, she's yours.
Look after her.
She's a lovely girl.
"I mean, she talks a bit in the beginning of films, "but if you get past that" Do you find yourself at the shops going, "No, I don't really like pickled onions any more!" You stay away from them gherkins, girl.
LAUGHTER My friend last year on Valentine's Day, she went on one of the dating apps.
She had a lovely date, met this guy, all nice.
They were drinking a bottle of wine and they were like flirting, ha-ha-ha-ha! Cos that's how you flirt.
LAUGHTER She said, "I'm going to go to the bathroom" and got to the bathroom, put her phone down, did her hair in the mirror, and her phone vibrated.
So she picks up and read it and it was a text message from the date at the table and she read it and she came back out and the guy had his head in his hands and she went, ah, and he went, "Yeah, I think I just messaged you" and the message read - "Yeah, mate, we're a bottle of wine down.
"Think I'm going to fuck her in the bum tonight!" LAUGHTER Sorry, Jamie, this "friend" of yours - Jessica, you're married, right? - Yeah.
- Do you do the Valentine's thing? - No, too risky.
- Too risky? - Yeah.
Diarrhoea Day, I call it.
Why is it called Diarrhoea Day? I am allergic to oysters and I found that out the hard way.
Where were you putting them? LAUGHTER There was a bottle of wine down LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think that actually people should know this about oysters, because a lot of them No, Jamie, it's important.
A lot of oysters contain the norovirus and the seas are getting warmer, guys, and the bacteria is not dying in the cold seas like it used to and that's making us sick and that's making us poo our pants! LAUGHTER Now I know that I was allergic to oysters and not Valentine's Day.
The other thing that happened to me on Valentine's Day, I put candles all round my room and I took off my tights in a sexy way - That's impossible.
- How did you do it? Like that? That can not be done.
Tights can't be removed sexily.
No, exactly, and I caused a fire.
LAUGHTER From the candles or the friction? I don't know.
The building had to be evacuated.
Don't feel too bad.
A lot of people have made similar mistakes.
Here's a couple trying to have a lovely romantic bath on Valentine's Day.
This is nice.
LAUGHTER BLEEP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow.
Is that pixelated? I thought she had just a really weird arse? - All blurry.
- Did you have the oysters? I love the thought process in that of getting out of the bath and going, "Actually, I'll whip back in actually.
" That is the best sex tape I've ever seen, though.
I don't want to see any sex tapes that end in any sex.
I just want some disaster, a little laugh, turn it off, no-one's committed any crimes.
Would you like to see a Valentine's clip of a greedy pussy? - Yes, please.
- OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, most people hate Valentine's Day, true or false? - What are you going to go for? - True, it's got to be.
- True.
- I think most people hate it.
- We all hate it.
Do we all hate it? I think false.
It's a bit of fun, especially for single people.
Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
On 33% of people hate Valentine's Day.
APPLAUSE I like to shower my girlfriend with gifts on Valentine's Day and, by gifts, I mean sperm and, by girlfriend, I mean tummy.
LAUGHTER Rob's team, what do you fancy? Erm, the drinks? You've chosen the drinks so we're going to play a game, Rob's team and Katherine, join me in the middle for Who's Drinking The Disgusting Drink? APPLAUSE Katherine, Rob's team have a series of drinks.
Two of them will be drinking something delicious, but one of them will be drinking something truly disgusting every time.
All you've got to do is tell me who's drinking the disgusting drink.
So let's get a lighting change for tension.
DRAMATIC SOUND Let's play Who's Drinking The Disgusting Drink? It sounds like a lightsaber being put away.
All right, it was just a misunderstanding, Obi-Wan.
DRAMATIC SOUND OK, Rob's team, it's time to try your first drink, so drink number one.
Fruit smoothie with berries and banana for all of you apart from one of you and one of you has got a fruit smoothie, but with extra mackerel and fish sauce.
AUDIENCE GROANS There's a weird smell round here.
Can you smell that? Yeah, I think it might be the mackerel, mate.
LAUGHTER OK, so you can all take a drink.
I don't think I tasted mine.
Oh, my fucking God! RETCHING Who do you think so far? Ooh, it looked like Jessica really did not enjoy her first drink.
OK, let's try another drink.
It's time now for a delicious whisky for two of you, but one of you has malt vinegar so just look at their faces.
Oh, delicious, delicious! - I will love any of this.
- OK.
One, two, three, drink.
Guys, chip shop Oh, vinegar's so nice.
It was awful but I feel alive.
LAUGHTER Jessica, you really did swallow that and you didn't need to.
Oh, God, I don't need to swallow it? LAUGHTER Don't tell her that! That's a career in Hollywood ruined.
OK, all right, so who are you going to now? It seemed like the boys disliked that more than Jess and Jess swallowed.
I'm also swallowing mine.
Are you not swallowing yours? You went to public school, though.
LAUGHTER OK, one more.
This is a delicious latte but for one of you it's made with French cheese, mayonnaise and horseradish.
- Oh, no, no.
- This will take a little bit of God! - Try not to smell it would be my advice.
- OK.
- Don't smell it.
That is the fucking worst thing ever! Oh, my God! Fucking hell! Mad French bastards! LAUGHTER Who do you think is drinking the disgusting drink? Well, all three seem like they're drinking disgusting drinks, but if we're not giving disgusting drinks to Jamie, then why the fuck is he here? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I mean, you can't argue with the logic.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you're undecided you can get them to take another sip? I think maybe that's a good idea.
Let's swap around.
Why don't we do that? No, I think if you want us all to take another sip that's fine.
- Oh, no.
- Shall we go for this one first, team? - Yeah.
As team captain It's not often I get to use my responsibility, I sort of sit in the middle, but off you go, Jamie.
- You're power-happy.
- I am power-happy.
Now get that down you.
LAUGHTER Oh, my LAUGHTER Number two.
Get it down you.
- Come on, J-boy.
- I can't! Cheers.
Chin-chin.
Off we go.
To forgiveness! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Lovely stuff.
You all right, mate? Coffee.
Round it off.
I feel like we may have given this away somewhat now.
- That's the worst one.
- That's the liquid cheese.
Get it down you.
Do half of it.
- You're team captain.
Do half of it.
Go on.
- Go on, Rob.
LAUGHTER That is mental! - OK, so Katherine, you thought it was? - Jamie.
I can tell you the answer is Jamie.
APPLAUSE - Point to Katherine.
- Well done, Jamie.
That's it for this part.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
Worst thing about living with housemates.
The worst I found was, like, holding in farts.
I was starting to get stomach pains but I worked out a great technique.
- What is it? - Just go to the toilet, you pull your cheeks apart and it just seeps.
Ssssssss! - So you just go, you stand there - No, don't - Sssssss! - Like it's a Coke.
I had that with my, with my girlfriend.
We were in bed and I needed a fart for the first time and I did that and it's quite a risky thing to do because you have to lean Oh, in the bed? Oh, you're the hero I could never be! She's lying here, and I leant to the edge of the bed and I lifted one cheek like that and it did, it goes Whew! Like you're catching a snitch or something.
My girlfriend, my girlfriend then went, "What's that?" And I went, "What's what?" And she went, "What's that?" And I went, "What's what? It's midnight.
" She said, "Yeah, why is someone sweeping leaves outside?" Wow.
Worst thing about living with housemates.
- Being messy, smelly bastards? - Yeah, I'll give you that.
The worst thing about living with housemates is them not doing their share of the housework.
I think I do my share of the housework but my girlfriend claims pissing skid marks off the toilet bowl doesn't count.
It feels good when you get one, doesn't it? - I had a friend that - Five pints and a real stubborn one.
Aaaargh! Like a fucking Ghostbuster.
I had a friend at school who had a really big foreskin.
And his trick was, he used to hold his foreskin and pee so it became a water bomb.
And then let it go.
We had to count down or run! - How big did it get? - Fucking huge! - How long was his foreskin?! - Jamie, man, you're challenging so many stereotypes about private school right now.
- It blows our minds.
- Next question.
Worst thing about job interviews.
Ooh.
You know when they go, like, you know when they go, "How do you think it went?" You're like, well, shit, evidently.
But if you hear that question any other time, like, if I was just having sex, then straight afterwards my wife went, "So, how do you think that went?" Well, on a personal level I thought it was a roaring success.
And in record time, you know? Weird job interviews? I hate it when they ask you your weakness and you say "penises" as a joke.
And they don't get your brilliant sense of humour.
There's an old story about a guy going for an interview at the BBC in the '50s, and they said, "What's your greatest weakness?" And he said, "Honesty.
" The bloke went, "I don't think honesty could really be a weakness.
" And the bloke went, "I couldn't give a fuck what you think.
" APPLAUSE The oldest line in the world.
- But in our industry, right, we have castings.
- I just lie on those.
I said I was in two seasons of The Crown.
Nobody checks.
The closest thing I've had to an interview is my daughter interviewing for secondary schools.
And that is intense.
You go to some of these schools, you walk in the door, they just throw a ball at you.
They just whip a ball at the kid to see how they react, - see if they catch it, see if they cry.
- That's not true! - Yes, it's true.
- What? - Yes, it's true.
10 years old, you walk in the door, wham, dodge ball.
It's better than exploding foreskin, though, isn't it? And then they interview you and you're sat there waiting, I wear my best blazer, act like I'm not a slut.
And then They know.
Oh, look, a slut with a blazer on.
And then Violet pointed at a portrait, trying to impress the woman with her knowledge, and she said, "Is that Mariah Carey?" The lady goes, "That's Marie Curie, yeah.
" - I went for an interview - What? - Yeah.
- For a job? Yeah, one of the people.
When your dad's interviewing you, the pressure's off.
Actually I went for a job interview.
The guy asked me at the end of the interview to say a joke, and I went, "Oh, all right.
What was Postman Pat called once he retired?" He went, "What?" "Pat.
" - He gave me the job.
- Was the job milk monitor? - It was a wealth management job.
- Wealth management! This geezer! Hey! Are you the reason I got into all that trouble? I was going for jobs in Sainsbury's, the bloke's like a 21-year-old.
He don't care.
Any old fucking idiot can put a yoghurt on a shelf.
- I mean, I did it.
- Your Sainsbury's experience seems heavily yoghurt-based.
Yes, I was mainly in the yoghurt aisle.
It was a big store.
I did move on to Marks & Spencer and I did a bit of till work but I got sacked, I used to give the old ladies free stuff.
- Aww! - JAMIE: Wait, did you get headhunted? No, there's a place that you can look for jobs.
You apply, sometimes interview, sometimes you get one.
You don't just sort of bowl out of Eton and go for a wealth management job.
But, yeah, it was heavily yoghurts at the start when I worked there.
Did you work with Fruit Corners? Yes, I worked with those, they were quite good to stack actually because the little round yoghurt bastards are hard.
Where, you know, when space is at a premium.
A corner's your friend, innit? Jess, what was the last job you had? - Vending machine assistant, that one always comes up.
- Assistant? - Yeah.
- You know a vending machine famously doesn't need an assistant? Yes, I know that, Jimmy.
All dressed in black, pushing the sweets through.
B5! There's something, Jessica, of the Mr Tickle about you.
So that - Thank you! - What's a vending machine It was selling lottery tickets in the foyer of a Co-op - in Manchester.
- Oh, the glamour! That's me.
Can I just say, I really like the Co-op because they've got a hell of a product range.
You can buy a pint of milk there, you can buy cigarettes, bread, and they'll also bury your nan.
OK, I need answers, what do you think? If you get the job and then you have to go there every day? Is it when they don't kiss you back? I hate it.
The vulnerability, Jimmy, maybe you're not going to get it.
- You're close.
- Sweating.
- Why would you sweat? - Because you're nervous.
Nervous is the right answer.
APPLAUSE KLAXON That sound tells me it's the end of the show which means the final scores are, Katherine's team have three points - but tonight's winners with five points, Rob's team.
- Yes! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
It's Jamie Lang.
Jess who? It's Jessica Knappett.
And Rob Beckett, their team captain.
And facing them tonight, strike a Rose, it's Rose Matafeo.
Geoff we can, it's Geoff Norcott.
And Katherine Ryan, their team captain.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 15% of British men own a man bag? My uncle carries a man bag everywhere, always has, ever since his prostate operation went wrong.
LAUGHTER 25% of Brits say they'd like to be in the Royal family.
Well, that's good timing because there's currently two vacancies.
LAUGHTER Probably a third before the end of the year.
You've got options on who that punch line is about.
And within six months of a pet dying, half of all owners get another one.
When my dog died, I had him stuffed, so it feels like he's still here.
I mean, the sex isn't the same, but, still LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
- Rob's team, what has the nation been talking about? - Is it, er, - Phillip Schofield coming out on This Morning? - Yeah, Phillip came out.
- Yeah.
- Round fo applause for Philip.
APPLAUSE - He's come out.
- What do you think? Some people go, like, a lot of them, like, you see a lot of blokes go, like, "Oh, yeah, I could have told you that, I knew, I knew.
" Well, how? For me, he was just a bloke who presented telly, there was nothing diff It weren't like he was presenting This Morning with chaps on and a hard hat, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER It's a pretty good way of getting out of buying a Valentine's - present, though, isn't it? It's good timing.
- Great timing.
Well, following the announcement, Phillip sat down for a touching chat with his co-host, Holly Willoughby, and Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford, take a look.
APPLAUSE - Thank you, sweetheart, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
- Well done.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Well done.
Well PHILIP SIGHS HEAVILY - Better? - I must say - Yeah.
- Better? - Come in here.
Phillip Nobody should be embarrassed about their sexuality.
- I'm not.
- And It's fantastic that you have spoken out.
And there'll be so many people who will be strengthened by what you said.
And, you know, we, as Holly said, we're all here by your side.
We'll be the first to stand beside you.
So, absolutely brilliant, mate.
As long as, you know, Steph's happy, family, the girls are happy, - everything.
- Thank you.
- Everybody must be happy for you.
- They're all that matters, really, aren't they? - Yeah.
- They're all that matters.
- And doing it And doing it right.
- Do you feel a bit better now? - You OK? I think you've just been waiting for this moment for a long time.
- Breathe.
- I know.
- And breathe.
- This is the sister I never had.
Oh, we're very lucky, we are very blessed.
- Yeah.
- It's nice.
A nice thing.
That whole conversation They're all on MDMA, that's basically LAUGHTER .
.
every conversation you have on MDMA, you're like, "I really love you, man, I love you, whatever you are.
" It's really brave that he's done that and also, it's given me the courage to You know, I'm not gay, but I need to come out and say that I am now middle-class.
LAUGHTER So brave.
What was the first sign? The first sign was I watched the rugby.
LAUGHTER You didn't eat a burger with a knife and fork, did you? No, I'm not there yet.
I'm not there yet.
I've got to say, I'm delighted for you, Rob, because, as friends, we all thought something's going on and we were saying, "He looks like he's known the taste of brioche," but I've been dabbling with quinoa! Yeah.
I know a few women who have been married 27 years and I think it is every woman's dream to have her husband come out .
.
at exactly that time.
You know, the kids have gone to college, you don't want to bang him any more.
All of a sudden, you've got your best friend to go shopping with and all of a sudden, there's a lot of hot guys around the house.
Win, win.
LAUGHTER If my husband doesn't come out after 27 years, I'm going to be pissed! LAUGHTER Well, let's see if it's up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Phillip Schofield.
Of course, we all support Phillip Schofield, it's just hard to process how Dancing On Ice could somehow get even gayer.
LAUGHTER Baffling.
OK, Katherine's team, what else have the nation been talking about, - this week? - Is it the most successful parasite in Hollywood since Harvey Weinstein? - Is it the Oscars? - The Oscars, the Oscars were this week, yeah, it was huge.
Did you watch any of the movies, did you watch Parasite? - Yes.
- You did? - Have you seen it? I don't seen any Oscar movies because I don't like feelings.
Oh LAUGHTER Well, there's no way for your face to express them, now.
LAUGHTER But I watched Parasite.
It was freaking sick and it was amazing to see I mean, everyone thought 1917 was going to win.
Because it won the BAFTA.
But I think at the BAFTAs, all the people voting thought they were filling out their birth year.
They always give, as well, like, you know when the actors give a political speech, you know, it's great there's diversity on race and gender.
I'd like some political diversity, as well.
Because they're always, like, anti-establishment, you know? It'd just be nice if someone went up once in a while and said, "Do you know what? Sometimes tax cuts for the rich work.
" You know? And maybe five years old is too young for a child to pick their own gender.
Anyway, love you, Hollywood.
ROB LAUGHS APPLAUSE The thing I've always thought, there's a lot of emphasis on the losers' face at the Oscars and they go, "Oh, look, they put a camera on someone to see them," like, they've got to pretend to be, like, oh, happy for the other person, but I think you've just got to go hard-core and I would just do my sex face.
Go on, so, what's your The award goes to Romesh Ranganathan.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Yeah.
- How How is everyone I'm just saying, if you do that one year, they'll never go to you again.
Because they'll be, like, "Oh, Beckett's up, don't go on him, it's disgusting.
" Is that actually your sex face? - I don't know, I've never had sex with me.
- You must have You must have flogged into the mirror and seen? Everyone's done it.
Are you suggesting that I've masturbated looking at myself in the mirror? - Anyone who's been on a long-haul flight has done it.
- No! Jamie! It's not a Virgin flight, any more, is it? This is it! This is the coronavirus super spreader.
Travelling all over the East, wanking on flights.
LAUGHTER The problem is, now, whenever you're on a plane, everybody's going to be sitting there, like, "Do you reckon he's had it yet?" I'll walk out of the loo and go "Ah!" LAUGHTER Better than going, "Bah!" Or he can come and go Are you making eye contact with yourself when you do it? - Yeah.
- No, but I think what Jamie What Jamie was saying is that if you're in that toilet, the mirror's there, you can't not, but you don't seek out a mirror at home to do it, do you? I don't hold up a mirror and look at myself, no.
- There's one on walls.
- Yeah, there is one on walls But I don't go to the mirror to have KATHERINE: I get it, actually.
The most fucked up version of Beauty And The Beast.
Just I had a friend at school who said he had a technique to it.
What he used to do, he used to get tissue paper and he would Sellotape the tissue paper to the desk and then he would put some tissue paper on the ground and he would flob onto the tissue paper and the weight of it would break off and it would fall on the ground and then he'd chuck it in the bin.
- What, in class? - No, not in class! Who's wanking at a desk?! - Why is he? - We all had desks.
We lived there because our parents hated us! LAUGHTER OK, the Oscars, everyone! The Oscars! That's right, we're talking about the Oscars.
I can tell you the Oscars is not one of the most talked about things, but this year, women and minorities cleaned up at the Oscars, but only after all the stars had left.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE Parasite swept the board at the Oscars.
which means, sadly, Rob will never get to enjoy it.
LAUGHTER I'm not You know, if I want to read, I'll read a book.
How's that caterpillar getting on? That Caterpillar At the moment, peckish.
OK, fingers on buzzers, what else have the nation been talking about, this week? BUZZER SOUNDS Rob's team.
- Well, it's been the first days of Brexit, hasn't it? - It was amazing how little changed.
- It was all a big build-up and it felt - Yeah.
- It felt remarkably similar.
- It was a bit like, when you agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend with someone? It's a big day and there's lead-up and you're excited and then nothing really happens.
And you think, "Oh, this is going to be a mess when it goes wrong.
" What do you mean? Do you say that? Yeah, you have to ask someone to be their girlfriend.
I don't I don't know.
Yeah, but you just fuck loads of other people anyway, so it don't really matter, does it? LAUGHTER It's very much a free trade agreement.
He's not a single market man.
No, no, no, he's not a rules guy.
I've heard good things about his withdrawal agreement.
OK, so Remainers claim that people that voted Leave didn't know what they were talking about.
Take a look at this eye-opening clip of Stacey and Tracey that went viral last week.
But I'm joined now by two people who have come to celebrate Brexit, both east Londoners, Stacey and Tracey, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
And for you, what does tonight mean? We've just left the EU.
We have and it's amazing.
It's what we've been waiting for, for four years.
It means we get our country back, we get our sovereignty back.
What does that actually mean? In practical terms, what do you mean? Wellthe country's ours again and we can have a lot more say, - a lot more rule to what happens in it.
- Over which rules? - I don't know.
- Our court Our court laws - Are bad.
.
.
will be changed into ours, so we have more say what goes on in this country.
- So human rights and everything will be turned into our laws.
- Yeah.
And we will have the right to Well, our courts will have the right to say what goes on instead of - .
.
Germany.
- LAUGHTER - And that's Geoff's wife and mum, there.
- It is.
That is my wife and mum.
How dare you? - That's family.
- Yeah.
It did, it did feel a bit like Brexit in the end.
The longer it went on, you just thought, "Oh, just get on with it", - you know what I mean? - The deal is what's worrying now.
Everyone goes, what's the deal with Canada? I don't know.
How come I'm not as famous as Celine? - I don't know what Canada's deal is.
- I've no idea what Canada's deal is.
I just know we got you.
I don't know what they got.
Well, I'll tell you what they got.
They got French on everything.
You don't want that deal.
Can you imagine Stacey and Tracey when all the labels are in French? Can you imagine Stacey and Tracey trying to read another language when they don't even speak the first one that they know? - APPLAUSE - I'm worried! ROB: Stacey and Tracey! You need, like, a motto.
- You know, you need like a - What's yours, Jamie? - Mine's a good one.
"Fuck it, I'm loaded"? - No.
- What is it? - GEOFF: In Latin.
- Mine is, "Ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
" - Aah! So basically, "Fuck it, I'm loaded"? That is terrible! That's the worst That's a real sex offender's credo, isn't it? That's like a Harvey Weinstein motto, isn't it? That's his defence.
No, you just do it and then say sorry later, but, like Not as in that.
You don't do that.
KATHERINE: I love that Jamie's motto is, "Ask for forgiveness, not permission.
Not that!" The full thing is a good motto.
Do you know, one of the weird things that's happened as well is the Tories have now got to please the Northerners, and they're going really Northern, aren't they? - Oh, they are going - They are going super - .
.
so Northern.
Here's the Conservative Party appealing to Northern voters.
It's fairly cringey.
I mean, good luck.
Is that right? Right, Right, right.
- Jeez.
- Is that.
.
? Is that? It's like a coming-out video.
"I've felt it for years, and now I've got to tell you, "I'm a Tory voter!" What the? What is that? Why was he standing like that? Why did no-one get him a chair? Because he wasn't welcome.
Yeah, he didn't stand up.
He is the most awkward man I Pff! It feels like he weren't Northern enough, that bloke, so, like, "He's just got a jumper and a beard.
I think we might need a hat!" Was he Northern enough for you, the man from Bolton, there? He felt a little bit like - Actually, no, he's definitely a posh Northerner.
- Yeah, he is.
- Like me.
- Are you a posh Northerner? Yeah, no-one believes that outside of the North.
- Yeah, no, where are you from? - Bradford! - Bradford? Yeah, but what's the difference between a posh Northerner and a - A posh one don't live in Bradford.
- I mean, it's the same as - It's the same as posh Southern, it's just, you know - No, no, it isn't.
- Sorry, I'm Jimmy, Jimmy! - No, it isn't, and you know it.
I am coming out as posh.
- No-one ever believes that you can be posh and Northern.
- No.
- That's a thing.
- Yeah.
I don't think it is.
- GEOFF: Could I just say? - No, it sounds really different, it's hard to tell because you've still got the accent, where Southern posh, you definitely have the posh accent.
- I sound exactly the same as you.
- I'm no Jamie Laing.
- I was born Say, "Hello, my name's Rob.
" POSH: Hello.
We sound exactly the same! I think it's time to be honest for Northerners as well.
I think it's good that we get rid of this north-south divide.
I know a lot of Northerners think that Londoners are unfriendly cos when you get on the tube, no-one's talking.
It's not.
We are, but when you get on, it's a bit like that bit in Toy Story when a human comes in the room, do you know what I mean? The moment you've gone, we're up, going, "You've got a friend in me".
Does this mean now, does this mean now that we need underwater borders for fish? Yeah, because do you know what they can do, France, if they restrict - the fishing borders, they can just sprinkle fish food.
- Yeah.
And then the fish will all go to Europe and then what are we going to eat? I'll say it once and I'll say it again, these fish need passports.
Yeah.
And they need to be laminated, um They can't be blue.
- You can't have a blue passport.
- That'll just blend in.
Also, a blue passport sounds like there's going to be some, like, tits in it.
- Got a blue passport.
- A blue passport.
- Oh, oh! - Oh, oh! That would work, though, because you're going to have longer queues, now, if you want to go to Europe with your blue passport.
So if you open that baby up and your tits are there Right in.
I used that kind of trick in college.
Imagine arrivals in, like, Magaluf.
The "tits out" queue would be as long as the normal queue.
It's the It's the one area where women are at an advantage, really, isn't it? Cos you What's the male equivalent? You can't just show them the tip.
Bollock cleavage? Just show Show a little bit, not too much, I mean, tasteful A tasteful amount.
OK, let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Brexit.
APPLAUSE Following our withdrawal from the EU, the pound is now worth less.
Sorry, I've read that wrong.
The pound is now worthless.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of Ten Cats, where we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Katherine's team.
Is it that Labour MP Tracy Brabin seems to have put her BRA in the BIN.
Because she's wearing that sultry little one-shoulder top.
Well, we've got a picture of this.
I didn't think it quite scandalised me, but here's Tracy Brabin.
That's what she wore in Parliament, and people lost their minds over this.
ROB: To be fair, I fucking love shoulders.
- It's quite niche, but fucking A good shoulder! - Phwoar! Oh, just the way it's, like, there.
You know what I mean? Everything hangs on it.
Without your shoulder, you're fucking nothing, are you? It's just there.
Look at the bloke behind her.
That is not a good face, is it? It's like Sid James doing a "Gwa-ha-ha-ha!" It's because these dudes in the House of Commons, they're so sexually repressed, they see ankle and their dick explodes like a bottle of Sprite on a plane.
Don't get me started on ankles! Oh! I really don't get it.
Cos, to me, an off-the-shoulder top - that is a classy look where I come from.
Pair it with a fascinator, get yourself down the Slug & Lettuce, Tracy.
Oh, sure, sure.
She She was criticised online, and people said dreadful things.
Yeah, but who gives a fuck about online? Cos people are sensitive, that's what happens.
Just don't read it.
Pretend it's not there.
Female MPs are not sensitive.
You want to see a day in hell, look at what female MPs get online.
OK, her response was fantastic.
Tracy Brabin responded to criticism online with this tweet.
She said It's fair to say, absolutely, women do get more emphasis on the way that they look.
But also, it can go the other way.
Like, ladies, if you look lovely, you go to a party, you get told you look stunning.
But, as a bloke, the best you can get is, "Oh, you look smart.
" That's the BEST.
- That's not true.
- The best outcome you could get.
- I tell you you look stunning all the time, you dirty slag.
- This is true.
- It is mental, though, that the House of Commons, right - Yeah.
.
.
they're meant to represent us, but none of them look like us.
People wear jeans and T-shirts.
- They look like you.
- Yeah, to be fair.
They look a bit like me.
In fairness, yeah.
In fairness, they do look a bit like me.
The dress code is exclusionary.
Like, they can't all dress like Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he owns a Victorian slave ship.
I'm really glad he was able to see this, because, finally, he'll have something fresh in his wank bank, which used to just contain the corpse of Margaret Thatcher.
I can't get over the logistics of banging someone over a wheelie bin.
You've got to be at least 6'5".
- So what you do is - That is a tall man's sport.
- Rob, what you do is, you turn it on its side.
- On its side? - Yeah.
- OK.
Well, there's a girl from the posh bit of Well, I can tell you, Tracy Brabin's off-the-shoulder dress was not one of the most talked about things this week, but Tracy Braden has received an incredible amount of support, mainly from her strapless bra.
OK, one more thing.
What else have people been talking about this week? - BUZZER - Is it Donald Trump? Yeah, the Donald Trump news.
Go on, tell me more.
Well, you know, Donald Trump was acquitted, and we always knew he was going to be.
He has a really high approval rating among the Republicans.
So that's great news for everyone.
Like, how has that happened? What kind of, like? It's gross.
Well, following his acquittal, Trump delivered a typically rambling speech to the press which included some extraordinary unpresidential language.
We were treated unbelievably unfairly.
And you have to understand, we first went through "Russia, Russia, Russia".
It was all bullshit.
- Yeah.
- No! - Yeah, that's the leader of the free world right there.
So That terrifies me.
Honestly, it gives me It scares me that, like, old, crazy men are running the world at the moment.
I I genuinely believe that aunties should rule the world.
Yeah, but, to be fair, Rose West was someone's auntie.
And she never missed a Christmas card! I tell you who should be in charge.
If you were going to pick someone to be in charge of America, I would pick Nancy Pelosi.
So he gave his speech, and you could see her in the background - she had a copy of his speech.
Take a look at what she thinks of it.
Thank you.
God bless you.
And God bless America.
Thank you very much.
I just can't believe they let th Republicans decide whether or not Trump was impeached.
Like, of course he wouldn't be.
That's like letting Jimmy do self-assessment.
Know what I'm saying? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That's fair.
I'll take that.
- JESS: Oh, God.
I've got to stick up for Jimmy here.
As a Conservative, this guy is a fucking inspiration.
Do you know what I mean? He This is the man that got me into tax avoidance in the first place.
I salute you.
All right, let's, er Let's see if it's up there.
Yes, it's Trump's acquittal.
We lost a classic American hero last week in Kirk Douglas.
Wouldn't it be great if Donald Trump could be more like Kirk Douglas? Dead.
So those with a nation's most popular talking points.
But, in other news, it's Prince Andrew's 60th birthday this week.
Which he'll no doubt be celebrating in Pizza Express, Woking.
In environmental news, beavers from Eurasia are being reintroduced to Britain.
If you'd like to know more about that story, simply google "Eurasian beavers".
On someone else's laptop.
And the government of Finland is offering free gym memberships to all of its citizens.
Makes sense - it's Finland, not Fatland.
GENTLE ROLLING LAUGHTER I liked it.
OK, at the end of that round, Rob's team have two points.
Katherine's team have one point.
CHEERING That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Katherine, Rose, Geoff, what do you like the look of? - I like the valentine.
- You've chosen the valentine's card.
Here's your related question.
Most people hate Valentine's Day, true or false? Well, I hate Valentine's Day, but I'm not most people.
I don't think it's fun to go out on the busiest night of the year and watch your partner just spend a fixed-fee on dinner and then pulling a rose away from an aggressive Romanian.
LAUGHTER I hate Valentine's Day because if you're single it reminds you you're alone and if you're with someone it reminds you you've got someone but you're still not happy.
And I know that's true because I read it on a card from my boyfriend.
That was a joke.
I don't have a boyfriend.
It's just a very lonely time.
LAUGHTER I'm at the other end.
I've been married 15 years - Nearly gay! - Nearly gay, yeah.
LAUGHTER 12 more to go! At the moment, Valentine's is just a firm handshake and a nod.
We're still here.
It's weird, as well, cos I think most people, you rarely find someone who's a big Valentine's Day - Everyone thinks it's shit.
- What? My wife thinks it's shit, but if I forget, she'll still be angry.
Work that one out.
I hated that thing, like the opposite of Valentine's Day, everyone was like a month later it's steak-and-blowjob day, as if that's the opposite of Valentine's Day.
Then shall we rename Valentine's Day to plant-based-protein-and-pussy? LAUGHTER I'm not adverse to that.
Then step up, Rob, step up.
Is Emma stepping up her expectations now that you're doing a lot of telly and touring? Er, she, yeah.
I'm not like well-known.
I'm not sure how many of this audience knew me.
When I walked on, it looked like an electrician had wandered on set, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER - You looked stunning.
- Thank you .
.
slag! LAUGHTER That felt like a risk.
Fuck me! I'm in my early 40s now.
My body is starting to fail a bit.
I've got carpal tunnel in both hands.
I can't really grip things.
I always thought she'd leave me for somebody taller or richer, but it could just be a bloke who could open jars at this point.
LAUGHTER Some flash bastard comes in and goes, "Give me that marmalade.
" "OK, mate, she's yours.
Look after her.
She's a lovely girl.
"I mean, she talks a bit in the beginning of films, "but if you get past that" Do you find yourself at the shops going, "No, I don't really like pickled onions any more!" You stay away from them gherkins, girl.
LAUGHTER My friend last year on Valentine's Day, she went on one of the dating apps.
She had a lovely date, met this guy, all nice.
They were drinking a bottle of wine and they were like flirting, ha-ha-ha-ha! Cos that's how you flirt.
LAUGHTER She said, "I'm going to go to the bathroom" and got to the bathroom, put her phone down, did her hair in the mirror, and her phone vibrated.
So she picks up and read it and it was a text message from the date at the table and she read it and she came back out and the guy had his head in his hands and she went, ah, and he went, "Yeah, I think I just messaged you" and the message read - "Yeah, mate, we're a bottle of wine down.
"Think I'm going to fuck her in the bum tonight!" LAUGHTER Sorry, Jamie, this "friend" of yours - Jessica, you're married, right? - Yeah.
- Do you do the Valentine's thing? - No, too risky.
- Too risky? - Yeah.
Diarrhoea Day, I call it.
Why is it called Diarrhoea Day? I am allergic to oysters and I found that out the hard way.
Where were you putting them? LAUGHTER There was a bottle of wine down LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think that actually people should know this about oysters, because a lot of them No, Jamie, it's important.
A lot of oysters contain the norovirus and the seas are getting warmer, guys, and the bacteria is not dying in the cold seas like it used to and that's making us sick and that's making us poo our pants! LAUGHTER Now I know that I was allergic to oysters and not Valentine's Day.
The other thing that happened to me on Valentine's Day, I put candles all round my room and I took off my tights in a sexy way - That's impossible.
- How did you do it? Like that? That can not be done.
Tights can't be removed sexily.
No, exactly, and I caused a fire.
LAUGHTER From the candles or the friction? I don't know.
The building had to be evacuated.
Don't feel too bad.
A lot of people have made similar mistakes.
Here's a couple trying to have a lovely romantic bath on Valentine's Day.
This is nice.
LAUGHTER BLEEP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Wow.
Is that pixelated? I thought she had just a really weird arse? - All blurry.
- Did you have the oysters? I love the thought process in that of getting out of the bath and going, "Actually, I'll whip back in actually.
" That is the best sex tape I've ever seen, though.
I don't want to see any sex tapes that end in any sex.
I just want some disaster, a little laugh, turn it off, no-one's committed any crimes.
Would you like to see a Valentine's clip of a greedy pussy? - Yes, please.
- OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, most people hate Valentine's Day, true or false? - What are you going to go for? - True, it's got to be.
- True.
- I think most people hate it.
- We all hate it.
Do we all hate it? I think false.
It's a bit of fun, especially for single people.
Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
On 33% of people hate Valentine's Day.
APPLAUSE I like to shower my girlfriend with gifts on Valentine's Day and, by gifts, I mean sperm and, by girlfriend, I mean tummy.
LAUGHTER Rob's team, what do you fancy? Erm, the drinks? You've chosen the drinks so we're going to play a game, Rob's team and Katherine, join me in the middle for Who's Drinking The Disgusting Drink? APPLAUSE Katherine, Rob's team have a series of drinks.
Two of them will be drinking something delicious, but one of them will be drinking something truly disgusting every time.
All you've got to do is tell me who's drinking the disgusting drink.
So let's get a lighting change for tension.
DRAMATIC SOUND Let's play Who's Drinking The Disgusting Drink? It sounds like a lightsaber being put away.
All right, it was just a misunderstanding, Obi-Wan.
DRAMATIC SOUND OK, Rob's team, it's time to try your first drink, so drink number one.
Fruit smoothie with berries and banana for all of you apart from one of you and one of you has got a fruit smoothie, but with extra mackerel and fish sauce.
AUDIENCE GROANS There's a weird smell round here.
Can you smell that? Yeah, I think it might be the mackerel, mate.
LAUGHTER OK, so you can all take a drink.
I don't think I tasted mine.
Oh, my fucking God! RETCHING Who do you think so far? Ooh, it looked like Jessica really did not enjoy her first drink.
OK, let's try another drink.
It's time now for a delicious whisky for two of you, but one of you has malt vinegar so just look at their faces.
Oh, delicious, delicious! - I will love any of this.
- OK.
One, two, three, drink.
Guys, chip shop Oh, vinegar's so nice.
It was awful but I feel alive.
LAUGHTER Jessica, you really did swallow that and you didn't need to.
Oh, God, I don't need to swallow it? LAUGHTER Don't tell her that! That's a career in Hollywood ruined.
OK, all right, so who are you going to now? It seemed like the boys disliked that more than Jess and Jess swallowed.
I'm also swallowing mine.
Are you not swallowing yours? You went to public school, though.
LAUGHTER OK, one more.
This is a delicious latte but for one of you it's made with French cheese, mayonnaise and horseradish.
- Oh, no, no.
- This will take a little bit of God! - Try not to smell it would be my advice.
- OK.
- Don't smell it.
That is the fucking worst thing ever! Oh, my God! Fucking hell! Mad French bastards! LAUGHTER Who do you think is drinking the disgusting drink? Well, all three seem like they're drinking disgusting drinks, but if we're not giving disgusting drinks to Jamie, then why the fuck is he here? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I mean, you can't argue with the logic.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you're undecided you can get them to take another sip? I think maybe that's a good idea.
Let's swap around.
Why don't we do that? No, I think if you want us all to take another sip that's fine.
- Oh, no.
- Shall we go for this one first, team? - Yeah.
As team captain It's not often I get to use my responsibility, I sort of sit in the middle, but off you go, Jamie.
- You're power-happy.
- I am power-happy.
Now get that down you.
LAUGHTER Oh, my LAUGHTER Number two.
Get it down you.
- Come on, J-boy.
- I can't! Cheers.
Chin-chin.
Off we go.
To forgiveness! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Lovely stuff.
You all right, mate? Coffee.
Round it off.
I feel like we may have given this away somewhat now.
- That's the worst one.
- That's the liquid cheese.
Get it down you.
Do half of it.
- You're team captain.
Do half of it.
Go on.
- Go on, Rob.
LAUGHTER That is mental! - OK, so Katherine, you thought it was? - Jamie.
I can tell you the answer is Jamie.
APPLAUSE - Point to Katherine.
- Well done, Jamie.
That's it for this part.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
Worst thing about living with housemates.
The worst I found was, like, holding in farts.
I was starting to get stomach pains but I worked out a great technique.
- What is it? - Just go to the toilet, you pull your cheeks apart and it just seeps.
Ssssssss! - So you just go, you stand there - No, don't - Sssssss! - Like it's a Coke.
I had that with my, with my girlfriend.
We were in bed and I needed a fart for the first time and I did that and it's quite a risky thing to do because you have to lean Oh, in the bed? Oh, you're the hero I could never be! She's lying here, and I leant to the edge of the bed and I lifted one cheek like that and it did, it goes Whew! Like you're catching a snitch or something.
My girlfriend, my girlfriend then went, "What's that?" And I went, "What's what?" And she went, "What's that?" And I went, "What's what? It's midnight.
" She said, "Yeah, why is someone sweeping leaves outside?" Wow.
Worst thing about living with housemates.
- Being messy, smelly bastards? - Yeah, I'll give you that.
The worst thing about living with housemates is them not doing their share of the housework.
I think I do my share of the housework but my girlfriend claims pissing skid marks off the toilet bowl doesn't count.
It feels good when you get one, doesn't it? - I had a friend that - Five pints and a real stubborn one.
Aaaargh! Like a fucking Ghostbuster.
I had a friend at school who had a really big foreskin.
And his trick was, he used to hold his foreskin and pee so it became a water bomb.
And then let it go.
We had to count down or run! - How big did it get? - Fucking huge! - How long was his foreskin?! - Jamie, man, you're challenging so many stereotypes about private school right now.
- It blows our minds.
- Next question.
Worst thing about job interviews.
Ooh.
You know when they go, like, you know when they go, "How do you think it went?" You're like, well, shit, evidently.
But if you hear that question any other time, like, if I was just having sex, then straight afterwards my wife went, "So, how do you think that went?" Well, on a personal level I thought it was a roaring success.
And in record time, you know? Weird job interviews? I hate it when they ask you your weakness and you say "penises" as a joke.
And they don't get your brilliant sense of humour.
There's an old story about a guy going for an interview at the BBC in the '50s, and they said, "What's your greatest weakness?" And he said, "Honesty.
" The bloke went, "I don't think honesty could really be a weakness.
" And the bloke went, "I couldn't give a fuck what you think.
" APPLAUSE The oldest line in the world.
- But in our industry, right, we have castings.
- I just lie on those.
I said I was in two seasons of The Crown.
Nobody checks.
The closest thing I've had to an interview is my daughter interviewing for secondary schools.
And that is intense.
You go to some of these schools, you walk in the door, they just throw a ball at you.
They just whip a ball at the kid to see how they react, - see if they catch it, see if they cry.
- That's not true! - Yes, it's true.
- What? - Yes, it's true.
10 years old, you walk in the door, wham, dodge ball.
It's better than exploding foreskin, though, isn't it? And then they interview you and you're sat there waiting, I wear my best blazer, act like I'm not a slut.
And then They know.
Oh, look, a slut with a blazer on.
And then Violet pointed at a portrait, trying to impress the woman with her knowledge, and she said, "Is that Mariah Carey?" The lady goes, "That's Marie Curie, yeah.
" - I went for an interview - What? - Yeah.
- For a job? Yeah, one of the people.
When your dad's interviewing you, the pressure's off.
Actually I went for a job interview.
The guy asked me at the end of the interview to say a joke, and I went, "Oh, all right.
What was Postman Pat called once he retired?" He went, "What?" "Pat.
" - He gave me the job.
- Was the job milk monitor? - It was a wealth management job.
- Wealth management! This geezer! Hey! Are you the reason I got into all that trouble? I was going for jobs in Sainsbury's, the bloke's like a 21-year-old.
He don't care.
Any old fucking idiot can put a yoghurt on a shelf.
- I mean, I did it.
- Your Sainsbury's experience seems heavily yoghurt-based.
Yes, I was mainly in the yoghurt aisle.
It was a big store.
I did move on to Marks & Spencer and I did a bit of till work but I got sacked, I used to give the old ladies free stuff.
- Aww! - JAMIE: Wait, did you get headhunted? No, there's a place that you can look for jobs.
You apply, sometimes interview, sometimes you get one.
You don't just sort of bowl out of Eton and go for a wealth management job.
But, yeah, it was heavily yoghurts at the start when I worked there.
Did you work with Fruit Corners? Yes, I worked with those, they were quite good to stack actually because the little round yoghurt bastards are hard.
Where, you know, when space is at a premium.
A corner's your friend, innit? Jess, what was the last job you had? - Vending machine assistant, that one always comes up.
- Assistant? - Yeah.
- You know a vending machine famously doesn't need an assistant? Yes, I know that, Jimmy.
All dressed in black, pushing the sweets through.
B5! There's something, Jessica, of the Mr Tickle about you.
So that - Thank you! - What's a vending machine It was selling lottery tickets in the foyer of a Co-op - in Manchester.
- Oh, the glamour! That's me.
Can I just say, I really like the Co-op because they've got a hell of a product range.
You can buy a pint of milk there, you can buy cigarettes, bread, and they'll also bury your nan.
OK, I need answers, what do you think? If you get the job and then you have to go there every day? Is it when they don't kiss you back? I hate it.
The vulnerability, Jimmy, maybe you're not going to get it.
- You're close.
- Sweating.
- Why would you sweat? - Because you're nervous.
Nervous is the right answer.
APPLAUSE KLAXON That sound tells me it's the end of the show which means the final scores are, Katherine's team have three points - but tonight's winners with five points, Rob's team.
- Yes! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.