8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) a12e01 Episode Script
Alan Carr, Kevin Bridges, Cariad Lloyd, Elis James, John Robins
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Alan Carr, Kevin Bridges, Cariad Lloyd, Ellis James and John Robins, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr! Hello, and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, misophonia is an intolerance for certain annoying or grating sounds.
For example, nails on a chalkboard, power drills, or Jon Richardson's voice.
A factotum is a person who does all kinds of menial jobs.
Menial jobs like taking the bins out or doing the washing up or putting jumbled letters on a board.
- Someone's got to do it.
- Thanks for helping out.
And English is the most spoken language in the world.
It's the international language of a traffic control, business communications, scientific publications, and jokes about how fat your mum is.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon likes to arrange his coins in order of ascending size in his trouser pocket.
At least that's what he told the arresting officer.
- Do you do that? - Yeah.
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Something to do.
I don't see Why wouldn't you? Otherwise they're just all in there higgledy-piggledy.
I've currently got a hole in my trouser pocket from doing it too often.
And Jon's team-mate Cariad Lloyd.
- Hey.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cariad is the fourth funniest Cariad after Cariad Camping, Cariad Doctor and Cariad Up The Khyber.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Alan Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Can't believe our luck.
Alan's greatest fear is being eaten by a shark.
And the shark's greatest fear is being eaten by Alan.
That's true.
I do have a shark phobia.
I rang up Who is it? - Is it McKenna, that bloke? - Yeah.
He was doing a phone-in and I said, "I've got this fear of being eaten alive by a shark.
" I said, "Is it irrational?" He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Upper Holloway.
" He said, "It's a irrational.
" - It's true.
- And joining Alan tonight, it's Kevin Bridges.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kevin's proudest moment was when he paid off the mortgage on his parents' Glasgow home.
Best 20 quid he ever spent.
- Alan, are you feeling confident? - Yes.
I've been on the proper old one.
You know with all the old people in.
- Do you remember years back? - What? Carol Vorderman? Don't be mean.
Seriously, I was there.
The floor manager comes out and says to the audience, "If anyone here has AIDS" I, like, looking, 89, 90-year-olds.
"If anyone has AIDS, just switch them off.
" "So we can carry on with the filming.
" Honestly.
And a man stuck his hand up, I thought he had the conundrum, he had shat himself.
Do you remember, Susie? He shat himself.
And we had to film a load of them.
- So everyone was like - WHEEZY: "Consonant please, Carol.
" "Vowel, please.
" You know when it gets you there? Like Johnny Vegas.
It's like that.
- Are you? - I'm proper old school, love.
I'm proper old school.
- Are you better at the letters or the numbers? - Oh, no.
Numbers, all I hear is la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
We were saying about the clock, even that frightens you.
- It's intimidating.
- Yeah.
- I've been listening to the tune.
I've had it on my headphones, getting mentally acclimatised.
Just, "da-da-da-da-da-da" We should really cut to a terrible Rocky montage now of you running up and down steps listening to this.
- COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS - That's it.
It sounds good on big football player headphones.
It's got a better beat.
I can't stop it now.
What's going on? You need to wait 30 seconds.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH This is This is the good bit.
KEVIN: Tune.
I shat myself.
- So, Kevin, what have you been up to? You look very well.
- Thanks.
- I've lost a bit of weight.
- How have you lost the weight? - How have you lost weight? I want to know.
- It's not real weight.
I'll put it back on.
I went on one of the diets when you put up cut out carbohydrates so I'm going to put It's hard.
I'm so hungry, Jimmy.
But I'm watching a lot of appeal videos from UNICEF going, "Oh, I'd fucking love a bowl of rice right now.
" It's an unnatural hunger.
OK, Jon.
You are awesome at this game, Jon, are you going to show them any mercy or are you going to go for the kill? There is no mercy in this dojo.
I've got a seven-month-old baby at home, ask her if she's ever beaten me at countdown.
I keep telling her, "That's just a vowel sound, "that's not even a word," but Pathetic.
- And, Cariad, you've recently had a baby.
- I did, yes.
- Just five months ago, yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Has your life changed? Yes, it has changed a lot.
I think the main thing is, I don't if you have this, I'm so tired that I don't know this is really happening.
So this could be a dream and the only way I think it's not A lot of women feel that around me.
I think it's Well, the only way I can tell it's not a dream is that you're wearing clothes.
OK.
Alan, did you bring a mascot with you? OK, right, this is When I knew I was coming up here, I always have a lucky outfit and CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WOLF WHISTLE Bitch stole my look.
Can we get Heat's Who Worried Best on the phone? NO, it's my favourite outfit, I always wear it and then I saw you and I thought, "Oh, my God, Susie.
"What we going to do?" So I had to cover up.
I feel so stupid now.
Susie, could you come over so that we can get an image - of the two of you together? - Yeah.
- Alan, you sit there.
We'll bring Susie over.
- Oh, really? I thought you just wanted me to lean forward, you cheeky bugger.
Oops.
What am I like? - CARIAD: Susie, you look amazing.
- What have you done with this bit? - What? - What have you done with this bit? - This bit? - Yeah.
- What? - So that you get tickled there.
- ALAN GIGGLES I was going to do that to you, then and I thought no.
Let's have you standing side-by-side.
It looks like before and after.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? I always forget about this bit of the show, Jimmy.
- But not tonight? - No.
I'm not very superstitious but they told me I need a mascot and in the toilet I found this, right? But I obviously made sure the floor was dry and stuff.
So I thought I'd take this because me and Alan are going to wipe the floor with these two this evening.
So it's not so much a mascot but getting in their heads a bit.
Nice.
And it also does not obscure my view of the board cos it's got a hole in it.
If comedy ever dries up, you should do QVC.
You know what? - You're explaining that - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH - Cariad, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
My mascot, Jimmy, is very handy.
It is literally a spare pair of hands.
Cos, you know, a spare pair of hands is so useful.
I, like most people, when it comes to maths I have to do it on my hands but I heard there's some people like once in every generation, very rare, you will find someone who can do maths in the head.
- Without their fingers? - Without their Yeah.
And they are medically known as freaks.
They lack a lot of social skills, would you say, Jon? I don't know.
I notice his hands are shaking slightly, almost as if we have him in a stress position.
- I know.
- You might as well be in Guantanamo Bay.
OK.
Hands down.
Now, where do they go? Well, that's how I'm going to get through the show.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, Jimmy, when I knew I was coming here today You won't believe this.
Well, as we know, Countdown, it's a dying format.
So I've found a way of spicing the game up, and I've invented the Jon Richardson Categories Wheel.
So for each letters game, I'll spin the old wheel, and that will point at a category, and I'll peel the sticker off, and I have to get a word that fits into that category.
And that's not just for fun for Jon Richardson, anyone else can have fun with that.
What kind of categories can we look forward to? Do you want to expose one now? I think I just have.
I don't have to take the tape off.
Do you want to see the lilac category? Yes, let's check out lilac.
The Spanish Language.
Oh, the fun we're going to have tonight, people.
The fun we're going to have tonight! That wouldn't be allowed, though, because it wouldn't be in the English, so then you would lose the point.
- Well, I've placed, in Susie's corner, a Spanish dictionary.
- Oh.
So can we do Spanish words today? If the Spanish category comes up otherwise the whole game is just a waste of time.
But in case you think that's unfair, I know that Kevin Bridges is also a fellow span-o-phile.
Oui.
Sorry, si.
You don't get to pick the letters, you just have to say a consonant.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Elis James and John Robins.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello! Hi there.
Elis and John have a hit podcast.
Of course, podcasts are brilliant for anyone who enjoys radio but hates all of that annoying quality control.
Elis, tell us a bit about yourself and John.
Would do you think, John? - You're more of a Scrabble, Countdown guy than I am.
- Yes.
I had a potent Scrabble obsession as a teenager.
And I played a few ex-champions.
Did you have a girlfriend in your teenage years? I could find girlfriend if the letters were arranged in the right order.
- Elis is also bilingual.
- Yeah.
Welsh is my first language so I'll be answering in Welsh because you can't turn your first language off, Jimmy.
OK, now, John, used to live with our Jon Richardson, didn't you? Yeah, I lived with Jon for a year.
And is there anything we can do to help? When we first met Jon, he was living in a bedsit in Bristol, and may I just say, it was the cleanest bedsit I or Avon and Somerset Social Services have ever seen.
Then we moved in together, a group of comedians, into a shared house, but Jon was not quite used to sharing yet.
So there was a negotiation about mess in which we would go about our normal routine and Jon had these Just be careful.
Let's just have an anecdote-for-an-anecdote deal here.
You tell this story and then Daddy will sell a story.
Are you now referred to yourself as daddy? I have a child, it's now legally accurate.
So, you'd get these little Out of nowhere, you'd be doing something and a little northern passive-aggressive commentary would just start up.
So you'd be in the kitchen and suddenly this voice would go, "Oh, right, is that where we keep the Coco Pops now, is it?" APPLAUSE Where did we used to keep the toenails, John? - Did we used to? - ALL GROAN - ALAN: Oh, no.
- JON: I'll give you a clue, Jimmy.
Oh Oh, John! Where were you putting your toenail clippings? Cutting his toenails into the mugs.
- Speaking of mugs - Oh Jon once, in a fit of pique, was very frustrated with himself, and, like a lot of us do, wanted to take that out on a mug.
However, what Jon brought to that was, he was so worried about the mess it would make, he wrapped it in a tea towel first .
.
smashed it APPLAUSE OK, and, with Elis and John, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has appeared on countdown over 2,000 times.
Just imagine all the exciting stories she's got.
Well, you'll have to, because she hasn't got any.
Susie, you've recently done a show all about the history of swearing.
What is the oldest swearword? Er, the oldest one is "shit".
How old is "shit"? Shit is Old English, over a millennium old.
- Over a millennium.
- Yeah.
- So, like - And it's always meant "poo", always.
But my favourite one is "bollocks", Because that was completely neutral.
So, in the Army, for example, they were told not to say "Kiss my arse," but "Kiss my bollocks" was absolutely fine and it was a term of affection, so, you would say, "My little prick, my pretty princock, my sweet ballock stones," which were testicles, basically.
- Aww.
- So, I think that's quite cute.
I'm sorry, I can't tell you're telling a sort of story about the origins of phrases and words, or we're flirting.
I could call you "My little bollocks" from now on.
Well, they're not massive, but they get the job done.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE It says here, Rachel, you were part of a campaign to promote soft fruits to business professionals.
Is that true? I just promoted berries.
Berries are good for your brain.
They're healthy, good snack - but it was interesting, actually, - because I asked - WAS it interesting? I didn't realise that berries have their own PR company, but they obviously do, and when I said that to the PR for promoting berries, they were like, "Yeah, we wish we were avocados.
" The berry people are jealous of the avocado and kale people, because they've done such a good job.
And berries are hard to work with, as well.
And kale - just glad to be there.
- Where was kale three years ago? - Exactly.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight are these - the Countdown pogo sticks.
APPLAUSE - It's hard to pogo.
- It's very hard.
Keep clapping, keep clapping.
No, longer.
More.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Alan and Kevin, you get the first pick of the letters.
JON: Can I pick a category first? Oh, God.
Just so that we can have some extra fun.
Can I do it, or do you have to do it? You can spin my wheel, Alan.
Wheee! Span Oh, sh - I mean - Do I have to try and get something in the Spanish language? You don't have to, that's just - if you want to, you can take the boring, old-fashioned way.
ALAN: Oh, OK, I get it.
JON: Although, the fact it's fallen and an Spanish twice does suggest there may be an alignment issue with the wheel.
Wouldn't it be amazing if PATATAS BRAVAS came up there? Right, OK.
Consonant, please, love.
RACHEL: Thanks, Al.
- N.
- Vowel.
- E.
- Constant, please, love.
- S.
- Er, couple of vowels.
O.
- A.
- Consonant, please.
- W.
- Another consonant.
- M.
- Vowel.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
And the last one - G.
- And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
JAZZ BAND PLAY COUNTDOWN PARP! APPLAUSE Alan, how many? I think I've got a 9.
OK, Kevin, how many? Potentially nonbroadcastable 6.
If it's nonbroadcastable I can turn the first letter upside down .
.
and go with WINGES.
Is MINGES up there, Rachel? Yeah.
It's very Scottish, "Oaw, minges!" - Susie, do you ever look up minges? - Yes.
I had it open right there.
You had it open right there, did you? - Is it in there? - Yeah.
Not the first time I've asked her that.
OK, Cariad, how many letters? Fine, no shame in that.
Jon.
In Spanish.
"Seex.
" I might de-jazz myself for the rest of this.
Hang on a sec.
Ah Ooh, Christ.
Some playing-off music.
Go.
HE PLAYS LIGHT JAZZ APPLAUSE Enough! Enough with the fucking jazz! Jesus.
Cariad, your 5.
- SINEW.
- SINEW, it's a good word.
- SINEW, yeah.
That's a good 5.
So, Jon, what's your Spanish word? I know the word, I don't know what it means, or what they are in reality.
AMIGOS.
Oh, that's good.
AMIGOS.
NEW AMIGOS! That's what you need.
Is AMIGOS in the Spanish dictionary? - It's in here, let alone in here.
- Oh! - Very good.
CARIAD: Oh, wow.
12 points.
A Spanish 6, then.
Come on, that is good.
APPLAUSE Alan, you've got a 9, so this is really good, - this is your moment.
- Yeah, I know - I feel stupid now, cos I've spelt it wrong.
MEOWINGS MEOWINGS - how is it a 9? - How were you spelling it for a 9? - I thought it had an A in it.
The Spanish version has A.
It's cos we're in Manchester.
- MEOWINGS-A.
- MEOWINGS-A.
You can spell it with the E, just it's not there as a noun, though, so, MEOWING would have been fine for 7.
ALL: Oh! - I tried me best.
- Aww.
OK.
Well, it wasn't good enough.
6 points for both teams.
APPLAUSE Elis, John, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes.
They could have had WOMANISE, for 8.
- Ooh! - WOMANISE.
- I don't condone it.
So, WOMANISE.
Any others? - Susie, could Susie - Yes? Could we Just tell her you like her.
Susie was my first ever internet search.
Whoa! In No! In a good - in a wholesome way.
When I was a Scrabble fan, you were, you know, the Pamela Anderson of etymology - Ooh! I like that.
- They put me in the middle for a reason.
Could I have had MAWINGS? M-A-W-I-N-G-S.
I think if he gets this right, she might get off with him.
M-A-W, MAW, the jaws or throat of a voracious animal er but not there as a MAW-ING.
Oh.
A bit of good news, we've got you two a room.
So, at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Cariad, your turn to pick the numbers.
Please.
- Are you sure?! - No.
- Actually, I'll do them.
- Yeah, do.
You do them.
- No, you do it.
- You do it! - We'd like one big one - Oh.
I thought we were going to have fun, but Jon put a stop to that immediately.
- Did you notice? - We did have fun, but for the right amount of time.
- Amount of time.
- Can't let fun dwindle on, can you? - Oh, God You can't let fun dwindle on?! Well, we've got something for your gravestone.
Can we have one big one and five small ones? - That looked nice.
- You've got 2, 1 4, 5 9, and a 25.
- ALAN: Oh, God, 25.
- RACHEL: And the target OK, and your time starts now.
You can have a Hula Hoop.
Don't feed him.
- He's not a gremlin! - He's horrible.
670 was the target.
Did you get it, Cariad? Um I I wrote down the numbers.
- OK, Jon, did you get it? - No, I did not.
It's impossible, and anything Rachel says to the contrary is the ramblings of a lunatic.
Alan, did you get it? Nowhere near, love.
Didn't get anything.
Kevin, did you get it? - I think so.
- CARIAD: Whoa! - Go on, how did you get it? - Er I got 24 x 25, right? Through doing Honestly, I think I got this.
- Er - You're gonna have to give us more than that.
- Aye.
What does 24 x 25 equal, when we got there? -5? No? 27 x 25? No, no, no.
I think I've totally, um Not got this, Jimmy.
So, no-one got it, no points.
Rachel? Rachel, could this be done? Yeah, you could have said 2 + 1 = 3.
- 3 x 9 = 27.
- Yeah.
27 x 25 = 675 - And then 675 - 5.
- APPLAUSE Rachel Riley.
OK, so, Jon and Cariad have 6, Alan and Kevin also have 6.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are HUNG NADS, the clue is - fully loaded.
That's HUNG NADS - fully loaded.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser HUNG NADS The clue was fully loaded.
It was, of course, HAND GUNS.
OK, we've been playing in teams so far.
But this game is just for Jon and Alan.
So, Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
Well, first Let's spin this wheel back onto the Spanish language.
OK, here we go.
- Please.
- A high quality wheel there.
- Oh, it's turquoise.
- Teal.
OK.
Sexual Innuendo.
CHEERING I make a career out of that, love.
LAUGHTER Let's hope I get a big one.
OK, pick your letters.
Consonant, please.
L for labia.
LAUGHTER RACHEL: The sexiest of all words.
Vowel, please.
Yeah, for uterus.
Nothing sexier than a uterus.
Consonant, please.
Just need an S here, Jon, and we're flying.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
GROANS Vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
CHEERING Flying.
A vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And another consonant, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Where's my little monkey? Oh, look.
No, no.
Ooh! APE GRUNTS LAUGHTER SHE SQUEALS Oh, fuck, no! I don't like it.
You genuinely look terrified.
I don't like it.
Little gorilla fella.
Come Come and hold hands.
- Oh, God.
- There.
You're a good little monkey, aren't you? See the lady over there? Go and chase her.
- No! - Chase her.
LAUGHTER Go on.
Go and get her.
LAUGHTER SHE SQUEALS Let me out! I don't like it.
Oh, it's really horrible.
I tell you what, I'll get rid of him.
- I'm actually scared.
Sorry.
Thank you.
- No, no.
'nana.
Go on, fuck off.
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE I don't know, Jimmy.
You liked it when I wore it.
I don't like things that seem real but not real.
Is that so crazy? LAUGHTER Can we get him back? So, Jon, you were trying to find a sexual innuendo.
- Yes.
- Did you get one? - Nine.
- Nine? - Yeah.
Alan, how did you do? I got six.
What's your six? SHIRTS or SHARTS.
SHARTS? Is SHARTS in there? Is that a sexual innuendo? Oh, no, no, no.
Not here.
- Oh, but I said SHIRTS thought.
- That's good.
Very good.
OK.
Jon, what is your sexy nine? SLUTHAIRS.
LAUGHTER SLUTHAIRS.
ALAN: Oh, no! - JON: Not there? - No.
What about SHITRULERS? OK, 6 points to Alan for SHIRTS.
APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE You didn't ask him.
No, I didn't ask him.
Remember when the game was just for you and Jon? Oh, yes.
I see.
Sorry.
Did you have a good one? What did you have? - HAT.
- LAUGHTER He had a better one that that! Don't make me look a dick! I thought, going along with the slut theme, SLUTISH.
Would that be? SUSIE: Oh, yeah.
Two Ts.
I know it well.
LAUGHTER Sorry if we made you look a dick there, Alan.
Yeah, if I look a dick on this show I will lose work.
LAUGHTER Susie, could they have done any better? There is a seven there.
RITUALS.
RITUALS.
ALAN CHEERS So, at the end of that, Jon and Cariad have 6.
Alan and Kevin have 12.
APPLAUSE Right.
Time now for Kevin and Cariad to go head-to-head.
Kevin, your turn to do the numbers.
Two from the top, four from the bottom, please.
All right.
The little ones.
CARIAD: 100's good.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
KEVIN: So easy.
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE OK, so the target was 717.
Did you get it, Kevin? Yes, Jimmy, I got it.
OK, Cariad, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER Not even close? LAUGHTER Kevin, how did you get it? 3 + 4 is 7.
Times 100.
- Then 8 + 9.
17.
- Perfect.
717.
APPLAUSE 10 points to Kevin, everyone.
OK, Jon and Cariad have 6.
Alan and Kevin have 22.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Elis, John, what have you got for us? Well, as a Welsh speaker, understander, I've had to endure all of the classic jokes, you know, double Ls, double Ds, spit, predictive text is turned off.
All of that sort of stuff.
So I thought, as we're on national telly, Channel 4, I'm gonna redress the balance, and I'm going to do some of my favourite Welsh idioms.
Obviously, it's a different culture.
So they're gonna involve a little bit of explanation to the uninitiated.
John.
This is a phrase, the English equivalent would be to throw in the towel.
Yeah, to give up.
Rhoi'r ffidil yn y to.
And that means I've put the violin in the roof.
LAUGHTER "Oh, I've had it! "I've had enough and I've put my violin in the roof" is what everyone says when they've had it up to there.
So the second phrase that, in English, might mean it's cold out so wrap up warm.
Gaeaf gwyn, ysgubor dynn.
And that means A white winter? I hope you've got a nice, tight barn.
I don't actually know what that means.
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention to the first bit.
Are these chat-up lines? It's got a sister idiom, which is gaeaf glas, mynwent bras, which genuinely means a nice, mild winter, you're gonna end up with a full cemetary.
The final one doesn't have an equivalent in English.
It's a uniquely Welsh phrase.
Perth hyd fogel, perth ddiogel, which literally means A hedge up to the navel is a safe hedge.
You don't have to tell Susie Dent that.
So, you know, next time anyone says the Welsh language is silly, just look them square in the eye and say mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn.
Which means, it's raining old wives and walking sticks.
Elis and John, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are AMPLE SEX.
The clue is - show me how you do it.
That's AMPLE SEX.
Show me how you do it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were AMPLE SEX, the clue was show me how you do it.
It was, of course, EXAMPLES.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
They've been trying and failing to find nine-letter words so I thought I'd give them help with their vocab.
I've got a selection of objects, all of which are spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is feel them up and tell me what they are.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Alan, Jon, you're playing this one.
Come and join me in the feeling station.
APPLAUSE OK, so blindfolds.
Blindfold, blindfold.
I mean, I think just glasses off counts as a blindfold for you.
- OK, remember, every single object is a nine-letter word.
- Are they alive? Some of them are alive.
ALAN SHRIEKS But nothing's happened yet.
Not that monkey, is it? LAUGHTER Where is it? We haven't started.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sorry.
- OK, so your time starts now.
Let's have our first object, please.
So they're all nine-letter words.
- Doggies, doggies! - Alsatian? - Oh.
- Have I got one? Labrador? Daschund? Dalmatian? Doberman? - You thought it might be a daschund? - Greyhound? Greyhound is it.
You get the point.
APPLAUSE Very good boy.
Next one, here it comes.
OK, there it is.
Oh! LAUGHTER - It's in his hand.
- Oh! - Courgette? - Courgette is it! What? What's happened? What the fuck's - What's happened? - It's a courgette.
- OK, next one.
- Fucking.
.
LAUGHTER Go lower, Alan.
Go lower.
No, don't! - What is it? - Oh.
HE SHRIEKS Policeman? Yes, you got it.
That's the third one.
Next one.
I'm so sorry.
I can't Where is it? It's back, back, OK.
No, that's - Is that you? - That's me.
- That's you.
OK, what's he wearing round his neck? Is it the mayor? BA Baracus? What is it? - Medallion? - Yes! APPLAUSE OK, next one.
Eurgh! Blancmange? It's not.
It's not a blancmange.
Erm, cheesecake? Where's it gone? It's up a bit higher.
Alan's got it.
Oh, sorry.
Margarine? Margarine is it, yes! APPLAUSE KLAXON SOUNDS OK, that's it.
Well, I can tell you, Jon, you got the most right so you get five points! Oh! Well done.
Five points.
Who picks up margarine? LAUGHTER I was so desperate.
I wanted to get one right.
OK, on with the game.
Alan and Kevin, your turn to choose the letters.
Can we take a vowel, please? I think we need to halt for a second.
- Just have a bit more fun.
- Get the rules in place.
- Oh, of course.
Sorry, Jon.
- It's all right, Kevin.
You weren't to know how exciting today was going to turn out.
Oh, it's another new category.
How exciting! Ooh, I wonder what it is? Onomatopoeia! LAUGHTER There we go.
Susie, can you just explain onomatopoeia to us? It's the formation of a word from the sound associated with it, so CUCKOO and SIZZLE are the two examples they give.
- Words that are spelt how it sounds? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- MEOWING would have been great.
- Yeah.
- So, Kevin, pick the letters.
- Could I have nine vowels, please? LAUGHTER Let's get three vowels, please.
O A I Oh, aye! Oh, aye, Kevin! I'll take five consonants and then we'll see where we stand.
N R S N D Consonant, one more consonant.
And the last one, S.
OK, and your time starts now.
GORILLA GRUNTS Oh, fuck! Oh, you shitbags! I can't focus now.
Cariad, what have you got? I've shat myself LAUGHTER .
.
badly.
I thought you'd like it.
- You're not getting your chair back.
- How many have you got? I got one, two, three, four Six! - Jon, how many? - Well, possibly a five.
- Possibly a five.
Alan, how many? - I've got a risky seven - Don't fuck about with my stuff.
- .
.
or a six I know that works.
Does anyone give a shit? - He was messing about.
Sorry, a seven? - No, I've said it now! Watch the tape back! LAUGHTER A risky seven.
Kevin? I've got a six.
Jon, what's your onomatopoeic five? ROIDS LAUGHTER I hope it's steroids? GRUFFLY: ROIDS! - Susie, is ROIDS in there? - Fraid not.
Cariad, what was your six? If the monkey doesn't like it, he's going to get you.
If it's not a real word, he's going to get you.
- I don't know if it works.
- Go on.
You know you have raison d'etre? Could you have just RAISON, like the first bit? - Like in Fruit 'n Fibre? - Yeah.
I like your style, but it's not there.
Raison d'etre, but - So not RAISON.
- All right, monkey, get her! SHE SCREAMS No! Bad monkey! I will throw this in your face! - Please! - Monkey man, go on, out.
APPLAUSE Kevin, what's your six? - I've got a six with DRAINS.
- DRAINS for six, OK, and your risky seven? RADIONS.
R-A-D-I-O-N-S.
I don't know what it means.
I think it's a washing powder.
LAUGHTER Seriously? Are you joking? Is it in? - No.
- Kevin, you got six points but you could have had DRAINS SON.
"What's that smell?" "Drains, son.
" LAUGHTER So six points to Kevin.
APPLAUSE So, Ellis, Jon, Susie, could they have done any better than six? Sevens - ORDAINS, INROADS, that kind of thing would give you a seven.
OK, the scores at the moment, Jon and Cariad have 11.
Alan and Kevin have 28.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are TESTS WEE.
The clue is - how's it taste? That's TEST WEE, how's it taste? See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TESTS WEE, the clue was, how's it taste? It was, of course, SWEETEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
Can anyone be arsed? Yeah, come on.
Yeah, go on.
What if I undo all the categories, and you can pick the one you like? It's the Jon Richardson round! Stop throwing all the shit over here, I'm not a landfill site.
What's going on? Not always easy, not as easy as it seems.
Not easy peeling things off, is it? Blue Peter's obviously harder than it looks, innit? They've really stuck these down.
Oh, Jon! It's difficult to fuck this bit up.
- Can I help you? Do you want me to have a little go? - There we go.
Oh, look how easy it is.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's all in the wrist.
There you go, look at that.
Nine-letter words! Like Countdown? - Let's do hygiene.
- Yeah, hygiene.
- All right, hygiene.
OK, Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two vowels.
- Thank you, Cariad.
E O Four consonants, please.
L Y S Another vowel.
U And then two consonants, please.
C, and OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
I really feel like I've found my look.
OK, Cariad, how many? Four.
Ooh, these Spanx are murder.
- Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - Alan, how many? - Seven.
Kevin? A five, Jimmy, go for a five.
Cariad, what's your four? TOYS.
- TOYS? - Yep.
Yeah, new mum, are we? Kevin, what's your five? LUSTY.
LUSTY? Well, I'm not surprised, look at me.
OK, Jon.
Your hygienic seven? SCUTTLE.
Which is what you use to transport coal, so you don't get a mess.
And then I got TOYSLUT.
Alan, your seven? CUTLETS.
- SUSIE: Very good.
- That's good.
Ooh.
Not just a pretty face! OK, well, it's seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, Susie, could they have done any better? We had CUTLETS and OUTLETS as well for seven.
OK, so, Jon and Cariad have 18.
Alan and Kevin have 35.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
Ah! BUZZER DENTISTRY.
Let's have a look.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are - Jon and Cariad have 18 points, but tonight's winners, with 35, Alan and Kevin! Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these, the Countdown pogo sticks.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you at home.
That's it from us, good night! APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Alan Carr, Kevin Bridges, Cariad Lloyd, Ellis James and John Robins, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr! Hello, and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, misophonia is an intolerance for certain annoying or grating sounds.
For example, nails on a chalkboard, power drills, or Jon Richardson's voice.
A factotum is a person who does all kinds of menial jobs.
Menial jobs like taking the bins out or doing the washing up or putting jumbled letters on a board.
- Someone's got to do it.
- Thanks for helping out.
And English is the most spoken language in the world.
It's the international language of a traffic control, business communications, scientific publications, and jokes about how fat your mum is.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon likes to arrange his coins in order of ascending size in his trouser pocket.
At least that's what he told the arresting officer.
- Do you do that? - Yeah.
It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Something to do.
I don't see Why wouldn't you? Otherwise they're just all in there higgledy-piggledy.
I've currently got a hole in my trouser pocket from doing it too often.
And Jon's team-mate Cariad Lloyd.
- Hey.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cariad is the fourth funniest Cariad after Cariad Camping, Cariad Doctor and Cariad Up The Khyber.
Up against them this evening is special guest team captain Alan Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Can't believe our luck.
Alan's greatest fear is being eaten by a shark.
And the shark's greatest fear is being eaten by Alan.
That's true.
I do have a shark phobia.
I rang up Who is it? - Is it McKenna, that bloke? - Yeah.
He was doing a phone-in and I said, "I've got this fear of being eaten alive by a shark.
" I said, "Is it irrational?" He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Upper Holloway.
" He said, "It's a irrational.
" - It's true.
- And joining Alan tonight, it's Kevin Bridges.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kevin's proudest moment was when he paid off the mortgage on his parents' Glasgow home.
Best 20 quid he ever spent.
- Alan, are you feeling confident? - Yes.
I've been on the proper old one.
You know with all the old people in.
- Do you remember years back? - What? Carol Vorderman? Don't be mean.
Seriously, I was there.
The floor manager comes out and says to the audience, "If anyone here has AIDS" I, like, looking, 89, 90-year-olds.
"If anyone has AIDS, just switch them off.
" "So we can carry on with the filming.
" Honestly.
And a man stuck his hand up, I thought he had the conundrum, he had shat himself.
Do you remember, Susie? He shat himself.
And we had to film a load of them.
- So everyone was like - WHEEZY: "Consonant please, Carol.
" "Vowel, please.
" You know when it gets you there? Like Johnny Vegas.
It's like that.
- Are you? - I'm proper old school, love.
I'm proper old school.
- Are you better at the letters or the numbers? - Oh, no.
Numbers, all I hear is la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
We were saying about the clock, even that frightens you.
- It's intimidating.
- Yeah.
- I've been listening to the tune.
I've had it on my headphones, getting mentally acclimatised.
Just, "da-da-da-da-da-da" We should really cut to a terrible Rocky montage now of you running up and down steps listening to this.
- COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS - That's it.
It sounds good on big football player headphones.
It's got a better beat.
I can't stop it now.
What's going on? You need to wait 30 seconds.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH This is This is the good bit.
KEVIN: Tune.
I shat myself.
- So, Kevin, what have you been up to? You look very well.
- Thanks.
- I've lost a bit of weight.
- How have you lost the weight? - How have you lost weight? I want to know.
- It's not real weight.
I'll put it back on.
I went on one of the diets when you put up cut out carbohydrates so I'm going to put It's hard.
I'm so hungry, Jimmy.
But I'm watching a lot of appeal videos from UNICEF going, "Oh, I'd fucking love a bowl of rice right now.
" It's an unnatural hunger.
OK, Jon.
You are awesome at this game, Jon, are you going to show them any mercy or are you going to go for the kill? There is no mercy in this dojo.
I've got a seven-month-old baby at home, ask her if she's ever beaten me at countdown.
I keep telling her, "That's just a vowel sound, "that's not even a word," but Pathetic.
- And, Cariad, you've recently had a baby.
- I did, yes.
- Just five months ago, yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
Has your life changed? Yes, it has changed a lot.
I think the main thing is, I don't if you have this, I'm so tired that I don't know this is really happening.
So this could be a dream and the only way I think it's not A lot of women feel that around me.
I think it's Well, the only way I can tell it's not a dream is that you're wearing clothes.
OK.
Alan, did you bring a mascot with you? OK, right, this is When I knew I was coming up here, I always have a lucky outfit and CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WOLF WHISTLE Bitch stole my look.
Can we get Heat's Who Worried Best on the phone? NO, it's my favourite outfit, I always wear it and then I saw you and I thought, "Oh, my God, Susie.
"What we going to do?" So I had to cover up.
I feel so stupid now.
Susie, could you come over so that we can get an image - of the two of you together? - Yeah.
- Alan, you sit there.
We'll bring Susie over.
- Oh, really? I thought you just wanted me to lean forward, you cheeky bugger.
Oops.
What am I like? - CARIAD: Susie, you look amazing.
- What have you done with this bit? - What? - What have you done with this bit? - This bit? - Yeah.
- What? - So that you get tickled there.
- ALAN GIGGLES I was going to do that to you, then and I thought no.
Let's have you standing side-by-side.
It looks like before and after.
Kevin, have you got a mascot? I always forget about this bit of the show, Jimmy.
- But not tonight? - No.
I'm not very superstitious but they told me I need a mascot and in the toilet I found this, right? But I obviously made sure the floor was dry and stuff.
So I thought I'd take this because me and Alan are going to wipe the floor with these two this evening.
So it's not so much a mascot but getting in their heads a bit.
Nice.
And it also does not obscure my view of the board cos it's got a hole in it.
If comedy ever dries up, you should do QVC.
You know what? - You're explaining that - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH - Cariad, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
My mascot, Jimmy, is very handy.
It is literally a spare pair of hands.
Cos, you know, a spare pair of hands is so useful.
I, like most people, when it comes to maths I have to do it on my hands but I heard there's some people like once in every generation, very rare, you will find someone who can do maths in the head.
- Without their fingers? - Without their Yeah.
And they are medically known as freaks.
They lack a lot of social skills, would you say, Jon? I don't know.
I notice his hands are shaking slightly, almost as if we have him in a stress position.
- I know.
- You might as well be in Guantanamo Bay.
OK.
Hands down.
Now, where do they go? Well, that's how I'm going to get through the show.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, Jimmy, when I knew I was coming here today You won't believe this.
Well, as we know, Countdown, it's a dying format.
So I've found a way of spicing the game up, and I've invented the Jon Richardson Categories Wheel.
So for each letters game, I'll spin the old wheel, and that will point at a category, and I'll peel the sticker off, and I have to get a word that fits into that category.
And that's not just for fun for Jon Richardson, anyone else can have fun with that.
What kind of categories can we look forward to? Do you want to expose one now? I think I just have.
I don't have to take the tape off.
Do you want to see the lilac category? Yes, let's check out lilac.
The Spanish Language.
Oh, the fun we're going to have tonight, people.
The fun we're going to have tonight! That wouldn't be allowed, though, because it wouldn't be in the English, so then you would lose the point.
- Well, I've placed, in Susie's corner, a Spanish dictionary.
- Oh.
So can we do Spanish words today? If the Spanish category comes up otherwise the whole game is just a waste of time.
But in case you think that's unfair, I know that Kevin Bridges is also a fellow span-o-phile.
Oui.
Sorry, si.
You don't get to pick the letters, you just have to say a consonant.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Elis James and John Robins.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello! Hi there.
Elis and John have a hit podcast.
Of course, podcasts are brilliant for anyone who enjoys radio but hates all of that annoying quality control.
Elis, tell us a bit about yourself and John.
Would do you think, John? - You're more of a Scrabble, Countdown guy than I am.
- Yes.
I had a potent Scrabble obsession as a teenager.
And I played a few ex-champions.
Did you have a girlfriend in your teenage years? I could find girlfriend if the letters were arranged in the right order.
- Elis is also bilingual.
- Yeah.
Welsh is my first language so I'll be answering in Welsh because you can't turn your first language off, Jimmy.
OK, now, John, used to live with our Jon Richardson, didn't you? Yeah, I lived with Jon for a year.
And is there anything we can do to help? When we first met Jon, he was living in a bedsit in Bristol, and may I just say, it was the cleanest bedsit I or Avon and Somerset Social Services have ever seen.
Then we moved in together, a group of comedians, into a shared house, but Jon was not quite used to sharing yet.
So there was a negotiation about mess in which we would go about our normal routine and Jon had these Just be careful.
Let's just have an anecdote-for-an-anecdote deal here.
You tell this story and then Daddy will sell a story.
Are you now referred to yourself as daddy? I have a child, it's now legally accurate.
So, you'd get these little Out of nowhere, you'd be doing something and a little northern passive-aggressive commentary would just start up.
So you'd be in the kitchen and suddenly this voice would go, "Oh, right, is that where we keep the Coco Pops now, is it?" APPLAUSE Where did we used to keep the toenails, John? - Did we used to? - ALL GROAN - ALAN: Oh, no.
- JON: I'll give you a clue, Jimmy.
Oh Oh, John! Where were you putting your toenail clippings? Cutting his toenails into the mugs.
- Speaking of mugs - Oh Jon once, in a fit of pique, was very frustrated with himself, and, like a lot of us do, wanted to take that out on a mug.
However, what Jon brought to that was, he was so worried about the mess it would make, he wrapped it in a tea towel first .
.
smashed it APPLAUSE OK, and, with Elis and John, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie has appeared on countdown over 2,000 times.
Just imagine all the exciting stories she's got.
Well, you'll have to, because she hasn't got any.
Susie, you've recently done a show all about the history of swearing.
What is the oldest swearword? Er, the oldest one is "shit".
How old is "shit"? Shit is Old English, over a millennium old.
- Over a millennium.
- Yeah.
- So, like - And it's always meant "poo", always.
But my favourite one is "bollocks", Because that was completely neutral.
So, in the Army, for example, they were told not to say "Kiss my arse," but "Kiss my bollocks" was absolutely fine and it was a term of affection, so, you would say, "My little prick, my pretty princock, my sweet ballock stones," which were testicles, basically.
- Aww.
- So, I think that's quite cute.
I'm sorry, I can't tell you're telling a sort of story about the origins of phrases and words, or we're flirting.
I could call you "My little bollocks" from now on.
Well, they're not massive, but they get the job done.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE It says here, Rachel, you were part of a campaign to promote soft fruits to business professionals.
Is that true? I just promoted berries.
Berries are good for your brain.
They're healthy, good snack - but it was interesting, actually, - because I asked - WAS it interesting? I didn't realise that berries have their own PR company, but they obviously do, and when I said that to the PR for promoting berries, they were like, "Yeah, we wish we were avocados.
" The berry people are jealous of the avocado and kale people, because they've done such a good job.
And berries are hard to work with, as well.
And kale - just glad to be there.
- Where was kale three years ago? - Exactly.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight are these - the Countdown pogo sticks.
APPLAUSE - It's hard to pogo.
- It's very hard.
Keep clapping, keep clapping.
No, longer.
More.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Alan and Kevin, you get the first pick of the letters.
JON: Can I pick a category first? Oh, God.
Just so that we can have some extra fun.
Can I do it, or do you have to do it? You can spin my wheel, Alan.
Wheee! Span Oh, sh - I mean - Do I have to try and get something in the Spanish language? You don't have to, that's just - if you want to, you can take the boring, old-fashioned way.
ALAN: Oh, OK, I get it.
JON: Although, the fact it's fallen and an Spanish twice does suggest there may be an alignment issue with the wheel.
Wouldn't it be amazing if PATATAS BRAVAS came up there? Right, OK.
Consonant, please, love.
RACHEL: Thanks, Al.
- N.
- Vowel.
- E.
- Constant, please, love.
- S.
- Er, couple of vowels.
O.
- A.
- Consonant, please.
- W.
- Another consonant.
- M.
- Vowel.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
And the last one - G.
- And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
JAZZ BAND PLAY COUNTDOWN PARP! APPLAUSE Alan, how many? I think I've got a 9.
OK, Kevin, how many? Potentially nonbroadcastable 6.
If it's nonbroadcastable I can turn the first letter upside down .
.
and go with WINGES.
Is MINGES up there, Rachel? Yeah.
It's very Scottish, "Oaw, minges!" - Susie, do you ever look up minges? - Yes.
I had it open right there.
You had it open right there, did you? - Is it in there? - Yeah.
Not the first time I've asked her that.
OK, Cariad, how many letters? Fine, no shame in that.
Jon.
In Spanish.
"Seex.
" I might de-jazz myself for the rest of this.
Hang on a sec.
Ah Ooh, Christ.
Some playing-off music.
Go.
HE PLAYS LIGHT JAZZ APPLAUSE Enough! Enough with the fucking jazz! Jesus.
Cariad, your 5.
- SINEW.
- SINEW, it's a good word.
- SINEW, yeah.
That's a good 5.
So, Jon, what's your Spanish word? I know the word, I don't know what it means, or what they are in reality.
AMIGOS.
Oh, that's good.
AMIGOS.
NEW AMIGOS! That's what you need.
Is AMIGOS in the Spanish dictionary? - It's in here, let alone in here.
- Oh! - Very good.
CARIAD: Oh, wow.
12 points.
A Spanish 6, then.
Come on, that is good.
APPLAUSE Alan, you've got a 9, so this is really good, - this is your moment.
- Yeah, I know - I feel stupid now, cos I've spelt it wrong.
MEOWINGS MEOWINGS - how is it a 9? - How were you spelling it for a 9? - I thought it had an A in it.
The Spanish version has A.
It's cos we're in Manchester.
- MEOWINGS-A.
- MEOWINGS-A.
You can spell it with the E, just it's not there as a noun, though, so, MEOWING would have been fine for 7.
ALL: Oh! - I tried me best.
- Aww.
OK.
Well, it wasn't good enough.
6 points for both teams.
APPLAUSE Elis, John, Susie, could they have done any better? Yes.
They could have had WOMANISE, for 8.
- Ooh! - WOMANISE.
- I don't condone it.
So, WOMANISE.
Any others? - Susie, could Susie - Yes? Could we Just tell her you like her.
Susie was my first ever internet search.
Whoa! In No! In a good - in a wholesome way.
When I was a Scrabble fan, you were, you know, the Pamela Anderson of etymology - Ooh! I like that.
- They put me in the middle for a reason.
Could I have had MAWINGS? M-A-W-I-N-G-S.
I think if he gets this right, she might get off with him.
M-A-W, MAW, the jaws or throat of a voracious animal er but not there as a MAW-ING.
Oh.
A bit of good news, we've got you two a room.
So, at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, Cariad, your turn to pick the numbers.
Please.
- Are you sure?! - No.
- Actually, I'll do them.
- Yeah, do.
You do them.
- No, you do it.
- You do it! - We'd like one big one - Oh.
I thought we were going to have fun, but Jon put a stop to that immediately.
- Did you notice? - We did have fun, but for the right amount of time.
- Amount of time.
- Can't let fun dwindle on, can you? - Oh, God You can't let fun dwindle on?! Well, we've got something for your gravestone.
Can we have one big one and five small ones? - That looked nice.
- You've got 2, 1 4, 5 9, and a 25.
- ALAN: Oh, God, 25.
- RACHEL: And the target OK, and your time starts now.
You can have a Hula Hoop.
Don't feed him.
- He's not a gremlin! - He's horrible.
670 was the target.
Did you get it, Cariad? Um I I wrote down the numbers.
- OK, Jon, did you get it? - No, I did not.
It's impossible, and anything Rachel says to the contrary is the ramblings of a lunatic.
Alan, did you get it? Nowhere near, love.
Didn't get anything.
Kevin, did you get it? - I think so.
- CARIAD: Whoa! - Go on, how did you get it? - Er I got 24 x 25, right? Through doing Honestly, I think I got this.
- Er - You're gonna have to give us more than that.
- Aye.
What does 24 x 25 equal, when we got there? -5? No? 27 x 25? No, no, no.
I think I've totally, um Not got this, Jimmy.
So, no-one got it, no points.
Rachel? Rachel, could this be done? Yeah, you could have said 2 + 1 = 3.
- 3 x 9 = 27.
- Yeah.
27 x 25 = 675 - And then 675 - 5.
- APPLAUSE Rachel Riley.
OK, so, Jon and Cariad have 6, Alan and Kevin also have 6.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are HUNG NADS, the clue is - fully loaded.
That's HUNG NADS - fully loaded.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser HUNG NADS The clue was fully loaded.
It was, of course, HAND GUNS.
OK, we've been playing in teams so far.
But this game is just for Jon and Alan.
So, Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
Well, first Let's spin this wheel back onto the Spanish language.
OK, here we go.
- Please.
- A high quality wheel there.
- Oh, it's turquoise.
- Teal.
OK.
Sexual Innuendo.
CHEERING I make a career out of that, love.
LAUGHTER Let's hope I get a big one.
OK, pick your letters.
Consonant, please.
L for labia.
LAUGHTER RACHEL: The sexiest of all words.
Vowel, please.
Yeah, for uterus.
Nothing sexier than a uterus.
Consonant, please.
Just need an S here, Jon, and we're flying.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
GROANS Vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
CHEERING Flying.
A vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And another consonant, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Where's my little monkey? Oh, look.
No, no.
Ooh! APE GRUNTS LAUGHTER SHE SQUEALS Oh, fuck, no! I don't like it.
You genuinely look terrified.
I don't like it.
Little gorilla fella.
Come Come and hold hands.
- Oh, God.
- There.
You're a good little monkey, aren't you? See the lady over there? Go and chase her.
- No! - Chase her.
LAUGHTER Go on.
Go and get her.
LAUGHTER SHE SQUEALS Let me out! I don't like it.
Oh, it's really horrible.
I tell you what, I'll get rid of him.
- I'm actually scared.
Sorry.
Thank you.
- No, no.
'nana.
Go on, fuck off.
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE I don't know, Jimmy.
You liked it when I wore it.
I don't like things that seem real but not real.
Is that so crazy? LAUGHTER Can we get him back? So, Jon, you were trying to find a sexual innuendo.
- Yes.
- Did you get one? - Nine.
- Nine? - Yeah.
Alan, how did you do? I got six.
What's your six? SHIRTS or SHARTS.
SHARTS? Is SHARTS in there? Is that a sexual innuendo? Oh, no, no, no.
Not here.
- Oh, but I said SHIRTS thought.
- That's good.
Very good.
OK.
Jon, what is your sexy nine? SLUTHAIRS.
LAUGHTER SLUTHAIRS.
ALAN: Oh, no! - JON: Not there? - No.
What about SHITRULERS? OK, 6 points to Alan for SHIRTS.
APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE You didn't ask him.
No, I didn't ask him.
Remember when the game was just for you and Jon? Oh, yes.
I see.
Sorry.
Did you have a good one? What did you have? - HAT.
- LAUGHTER He had a better one that that! Don't make me look a dick! I thought, going along with the slut theme, SLUTISH.
Would that be? SUSIE: Oh, yeah.
Two Ts.
I know it well.
LAUGHTER Sorry if we made you look a dick there, Alan.
Yeah, if I look a dick on this show I will lose work.
LAUGHTER Susie, could they have done any better? There is a seven there.
RITUALS.
RITUALS.
ALAN CHEERS So, at the end of that, Jon and Cariad have 6.
Alan and Kevin have 12.
APPLAUSE Right.
Time now for Kevin and Cariad to go head-to-head.
Kevin, your turn to do the numbers.
Two from the top, four from the bottom, please.
All right.
The little ones.
CARIAD: 100's good.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
KEVIN: So easy.
NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE OK, so the target was 717.
Did you get it, Kevin? Yes, Jimmy, I got it.
OK, Cariad, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER Not even close? LAUGHTER Kevin, how did you get it? 3 + 4 is 7.
Times 100.
- Then 8 + 9.
17.
- Perfect.
717.
APPLAUSE 10 points to Kevin, everyone.
OK, Jon and Cariad have 6.
Alan and Kevin have 22.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Elis, John, what have you got for us? Well, as a Welsh speaker, understander, I've had to endure all of the classic jokes, you know, double Ls, double Ds, spit, predictive text is turned off.
All of that sort of stuff.
So I thought, as we're on national telly, Channel 4, I'm gonna redress the balance, and I'm going to do some of my favourite Welsh idioms.
Obviously, it's a different culture.
So they're gonna involve a little bit of explanation to the uninitiated.
John.
This is a phrase, the English equivalent would be to throw in the towel.
Yeah, to give up.
Rhoi'r ffidil yn y to.
And that means I've put the violin in the roof.
LAUGHTER "Oh, I've had it! "I've had enough and I've put my violin in the roof" is what everyone says when they've had it up to there.
So the second phrase that, in English, might mean it's cold out so wrap up warm.
Gaeaf gwyn, ysgubor dynn.
And that means A white winter? I hope you've got a nice, tight barn.
I don't actually know what that means.
I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention to the first bit.
Are these chat-up lines? It's got a sister idiom, which is gaeaf glas, mynwent bras, which genuinely means a nice, mild winter, you're gonna end up with a full cemetary.
The final one doesn't have an equivalent in English.
It's a uniquely Welsh phrase.
Perth hyd fogel, perth ddiogel, which literally means A hedge up to the navel is a safe hedge.
You don't have to tell Susie Dent that.
So, you know, next time anyone says the Welsh language is silly, just look them square in the eye and say mae hi'n bwrw hen wragedd a ffyn.
Which means, it's raining old wives and walking sticks.
Elis and John, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are AMPLE SEX.
The clue is - show me how you do it.
That's AMPLE SEX.
Show me how you do it.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were AMPLE SEX, the clue was show me how you do it.
It was, of course, EXAMPLES.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
They've been trying and failing to find nine-letter words so I thought I'd give them help with their vocab.
I've got a selection of objects, all of which are spelt with nine letters.
All they have to do is feel them up and tell me what they are.
Whoever identifies the most objects gets the points.
Alan, Jon, you're playing this one.
Come and join me in the feeling station.
APPLAUSE OK, so blindfolds.
Blindfold, blindfold.
I mean, I think just glasses off counts as a blindfold for you.
- OK, remember, every single object is a nine-letter word.
- Are they alive? Some of them are alive.
ALAN SHRIEKS But nothing's happened yet.
Not that monkey, is it? LAUGHTER Where is it? We haven't started.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sorry.
- OK, so your time starts now.
Let's have our first object, please.
So they're all nine-letter words.
- Doggies, doggies! - Alsatian? - Oh.
- Have I got one? Labrador? Daschund? Dalmatian? Doberman? - You thought it might be a daschund? - Greyhound? Greyhound is it.
You get the point.
APPLAUSE Very good boy.
Next one, here it comes.
OK, there it is.
Oh! LAUGHTER - It's in his hand.
- Oh! - Courgette? - Courgette is it! What? What's happened? What the fuck's - What's happened? - It's a courgette.
- OK, next one.
- Fucking.
.
LAUGHTER Go lower, Alan.
Go lower.
No, don't! - What is it? - Oh.
HE SHRIEKS Policeman? Yes, you got it.
That's the third one.
Next one.
I'm so sorry.
I can't Where is it? It's back, back, OK.
No, that's - Is that you? - That's me.
- That's you.
OK, what's he wearing round his neck? Is it the mayor? BA Baracus? What is it? - Medallion? - Yes! APPLAUSE OK, next one.
Eurgh! Blancmange? It's not.
It's not a blancmange.
Erm, cheesecake? Where's it gone? It's up a bit higher.
Alan's got it.
Oh, sorry.
Margarine? Margarine is it, yes! APPLAUSE KLAXON SOUNDS OK, that's it.
Well, I can tell you, Jon, you got the most right so you get five points! Oh! Well done.
Five points.
Who picks up margarine? LAUGHTER I was so desperate.
I wanted to get one right.
OK, on with the game.
Alan and Kevin, your turn to choose the letters.
Can we take a vowel, please? I think we need to halt for a second.
- Just have a bit more fun.
- Get the rules in place.
- Oh, of course.
Sorry, Jon.
- It's all right, Kevin.
You weren't to know how exciting today was going to turn out.
Oh, it's another new category.
How exciting! Ooh, I wonder what it is? Onomatopoeia! LAUGHTER There we go.
Susie, can you just explain onomatopoeia to us? It's the formation of a word from the sound associated with it, so CUCKOO and SIZZLE are the two examples they give.
- Words that are spelt how it sounds? - SUSIE: Yeah.
- MEOWING would have been great.
- Yeah.
- So, Kevin, pick the letters.
- Could I have nine vowels, please? LAUGHTER Let's get three vowels, please.
O A I Oh, aye! Oh, aye, Kevin! I'll take five consonants and then we'll see where we stand.
N R S N D Consonant, one more consonant.
And the last one, S.
OK, and your time starts now.
GORILLA GRUNTS Oh, fuck! Oh, you shitbags! I can't focus now.
Cariad, what have you got? I've shat myself LAUGHTER .
.
badly.
I thought you'd like it.
- You're not getting your chair back.
- How many have you got? I got one, two, three, four Six! - Jon, how many? - Well, possibly a five.
- Possibly a five.
Alan, how many? - I've got a risky seven - Don't fuck about with my stuff.
- .
.
or a six I know that works.
Does anyone give a shit? - He was messing about.
Sorry, a seven? - No, I've said it now! Watch the tape back! LAUGHTER A risky seven.
Kevin? I've got a six.
Jon, what's your onomatopoeic five? ROIDS LAUGHTER I hope it's steroids? GRUFFLY: ROIDS! - Susie, is ROIDS in there? - Fraid not.
Cariad, what was your six? If the monkey doesn't like it, he's going to get you.
If it's not a real word, he's going to get you.
- I don't know if it works.
- Go on.
You know you have raison d'etre? Could you have just RAISON, like the first bit? - Like in Fruit 'n Fibre? - Yeah.
I like your style, but it's not there.
Raison d'etre, but - So not RAISON.
- All right, monkey, get her! SHE SCREAMS No! Bad monkey! I will throw this in your face! - Please! - Monkey man, go on, out.
APPLAUSE Kevin, what's your six? - I've got a six with DRAINS.
- DRAINS for six, OK, and your risky seven? RADIONS.
R-A-D-I-O-N-S.
I don't know what it means.
I think it's a washing powder.
LAUGHTER Seriously? Are you joking? Is it in? - No.
- Kevin, you got six points but you could have had DRAINS SON.
"What's that smell?" "Drains, son.
" LAUGHTER So six points to Kevin.
APPLAUSE So, Ellis, Jon, Susie, could they have done any better than six? Sevens - ORDAINS, INROADS, that kind of thing would give you a seven.
OK, the scores at the moment, Jon and Cariad have 11.
Alan and Kevin have 28.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are TESTS WEE.
The clue is - how's it taste? That's TEST WEE, how's it taste? See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TESTS WEE, the clue was, how's it taste? It was, of course, SWEETEST.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
Can anyone be arsed? Yeah, come on.
Yeah, go on.
What if I undo all the categories, and you can pick the one you like? It's the Jon Richardson round! Stop throwing all the shit over here, I'm not a landfill site.
What's going on? Not always easy, not as easy as it seems.
Not easy peeling things off, is it? Blue Peter's obviously harder than it looks, innit? They've really stuck these down.
Oh, Jon! It's difficult to fuck this bit up.
- Can I help you? Do you want me to have a little go? - There we go.
Oh, look how easy it is.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's all in the wrist.
There you go, look at that.
Nine-letter words! Like Countdown? - Let's do hygiene.
- Yeah, hygiene.
- All right, hygiene.
OK, Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Two vowels.
- Thank you, Cariad.
E O Four consonants, please.
L Y S Another vowel.
U And then two consonants, please.
C, and OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
I really feel like I've found my look.
OK, Cariad, how many? Four.
Ooh, these Spanx are murder.
- Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - Alan, how many? - Seven.
Kevin? A five, Jimmy, go for a five.
Cariad, what's your four? TOYS.
- TOYS? - Yep.
Yeah, new mum, are we? Kevin, what's your five? LUSTY.
LUSTY? Well, I'm not surprised, look at me.
OK, Jon.
Your hygienic seven? SCUTTLE.
Which is what you use to transport coal, so you don't get a mess.
And then I got TOYSLUT.
Alan, your seven? CUTLETS.
- SUSIE: Very good.
- That's good.
Ooh.
Not just a pretty face! OK, well, it's seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE OK, Susie, could they have done any better? We had CUTLETS and OUTLETS as well for seven.
OK, so, Jon and Cariad have 18.
Alan and Kevin have 35.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
Ah! BUZZER DENTISTRY.
Let's have a look.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are - Jon and Cariad have 18 points, but tonight's winners, with 35, Alan and Kevin! Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these, the Countdown pogo sticks.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you at home.
That's it from us, good night! APPLAUSE