8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s04e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, David Mitchell, Roisin Conaty, Phill Jupitus, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know for example In Tarot cards, the number ten is called The Wheel Of Fortune.
And if you've never had a Tarot reading, it's a surprisingly accurate way to hand money to a charlatan.
LAUGHTER In Roman numerals, putting a bar above a number multiplies it by one thousand.
Whereas in Scotland, putting a bar above something means it now also has an upstairs bar.
LAUGHTER And the term "duckface", refers to the pouting expression, often displayed in selfies.
"Duckface" is also what autocorrect changes my name to, when I get a text off Sean.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! APPLAUSE When it comes to Countdown, Jon's a real winner.
Though I doubt that makes up for the rest of his life.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aw! And Jon's team-mate, David Mitchell! APPLAUSE David describes himself as a worrier.
That means there are two worriers on Jon's team.
Which, I imagine, they find a bit worrying.
So, Jon, this is David's first time playing Countdown.
Any tips? Er Yeah.
Just enjoy it.
You only get one life, just It's not about winning.
Just as long as you enjoy the experience.
How can I make sure I enjoy the experience? - By winning and being good.
- Ah.
LAUGHTER David, are you as good at Countdown as you look? LAUGHTER I think you know that it's hard to take that as a compliment, Jimmy.
I'm not very good at anagrams.
Do anagrams help at all? LAUGHTER You're good with words, but specifically anagrams I'm great with words! Just not letters.
Words, I see a word as a thing.
I don't care what it's made of.
If you sort of think, a letter is arbitrary.
A word, it's a thing, whatever, Floor Can't think of any others.
- That's the main one.
- And it's supposedly made up of letters, but it's not made up of letters.
It's made up of lines.
Some of them are curly, some of them join up, some of them cross each other, it's just lines.
And then, arbitrarily somebody says, "That selection of lines, that's a P.
"And that selection of lines, that's an R.
" I don't accept that.
- It's just It's all some lines - Is that why your books haven't sold? LAUGHTER I've had some worrying people on my team before.
I've never had someone come on and deconstruct the idea of a letter.
- So, are you better at the numbers or the letters? - I don't know.
Can I tell you afterwards when it's become clear which? I think I'll be better at the numbers.
- OK.
So maths, you're good at maths? - Yeah.
Well, I mean, there's only really one number, isn't there? And that's one.
Because in effect, every other number is just made up of lots of ones.
LAUGHTER People say, "That's nine.
" I say, "That's not nine, that's nine ones.
" APPLAUSE I have feeling it's going to be a very long night for John.
This is what it must be like being sat next to me.
LAUGHTER And up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean's like a Countdown hustler.
He lures you into thinking he's rubbish and then, when it really matters, he turns on the brilliance.
- He's played the first part to absolute perfection.
- LAUGHTER And on Sean's team this evening, it's Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE Roisin comes from an Irish family and has over 80 cousins.
Life with them is a real roller coaster because they run a fairground.
LAUGHTER - You're as Irish as me, Jimmy.
- I know.
But, you know I was brought up properly.
Roisin, when you look across at Jon and David, do you think this is a fair match, a fair fight this evening? You and Sean vs these two? Yes, I do.
I reckon we can take them.
Go Suarez on 'em.
Roisin, last time you were on the show, - you only got five-letter words.
- All right, Jimmy! Do you think you'll do better this evening? Have you been practising? Um, well, I've dyed my hair brunette In the hope that - I'm blaming the blonde hair for that night.
- It's still blonde, isn't it? No.
- It's not blonde.
- Are you Because it's blonde colour.
- It's not blonde! It looks as if you've let the roots go, but, I mean, that is blonde.
It's not blonde.
LAUGHTER I'm a lot darker and, basically, if I do as bad as I did last time, at least no-one will recognise me when I go blonde again.
- That's my plan.
- Very good.
- Didn't we win last time? - No, Sean.
I was terrible.
Thanks for having me back though! LAUGHTER To be honest, I don't have a lot of choice.
Sean, a lot of celebrities have riders before a big show that have stuff they need backstage before they do a show.
Do have anything before Countdown that you request? I tell you what I ask for, it's a very simple thing.
I ask for it every time but they never do it.
I say, "Can I have a sea view?" LAUGHTER It's not a lot to ask for, can I just have a sea view? But there's apparently no television studios near the sea.
Which is interesting when you think about it.
It's quite discriminatory, isn't it? To people who live by the seaside who want to make a career on television.
They've got to move.
Which I think is unfair.
It's very unfair, it's discriminatory.
There's very little work for trawlermen inland.
- LAUGHTER - To be honest, David, there's very little work for trawlermen at sea either.
- Thanks to the bloody EU.
- But that's - Their fishing quotas.
Who thought we'd get on fishing quotas this quick? LAUGHTER Sean, have you got a mascot today to bring you good luck? - Yes, I do.
I always have a mascot.
- What have you got? - I've got this, Jimmy.
- What is this? - THIS - LAUGHTER - I felt like I needed a bit of coaching, a bit of confidence, so I got one of those confidence tapes.
And I've just been listening to that.
It really puts my in themood.
It convinces me that I can do it, that I can win.
That I am a winner, deep down and I think, you know Yes! - Can we hear a little bit of this confidence tape? - Yeah.
VOICE ON TAPE: Come on! Go on, Sean! Go on.
Come on, Sean, come on, Sean! Go on, Sean LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Roisin, have you got a mascot of some description? - Yes, I do.
Last time I was on the show, I got a four-letter word.
Which is embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as when I realised the letter W wasn't even on there, so I'd got a four-letter word with no W, so now I've brought binoculars to make sure that I can see the letters.
- What was your four-letter word? - News.
Never forget it.
LAUGHTER - And there was no W? - No W Am I right that you have to make the words out of the letters that appear there? Sick! It's bloody sick! I always assumed that people came up with the word and then they edited in the letters afterwards.
- It would be a lot easier.
ROISIN: - You'd think.
Put GIRAFFE or whatever and then you'd put R, F, G - Up there afterwards.
- That's not how you spell giraffe LAUGHTER - David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do.
- What have you got? I've got a Pointless mug.
LAUGHTER What are you playing at? Well, it's a great show, isn't it, Pointless? I mean, it's a really good show.
It's bigger than the Countdown mug.
LAUGHTER Something's happened to Roisin's arm.
- What's happened to your arm? - I don't know.
It's the dirt from the binoculars LAUGHTER It's not Not many guests that we have on that are just covered in shit immediately.
- LAUGHTER - You're a real talent.
How did you manage to get that on you? I leaned down and I got covered in stuff, God I think we can probably get someone in to clean your arm.
I've got fake tan on though.
LAUGHTER I mean, this is a disaster! RACHEL: Can you rub the dirt in? Just blend it.
Rub the dirt in? ROISIN: You just carry on, I'll just rub this dirt in for a bit.
Bet you're glad you've got me now, aren't you, Sean? Jon, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I've hidden shit under everyone's desks.
LAUGHTER Well, I did a bit of maths in my spare time recently, Jimmy.
We've done a lot of these shows now and I added up.
I've spent nearly two hours just listening to the clock.
So I decided that today I would use my time better.
And I've brought - I've started it already - a little model to be getting on with.
And I've got all my little bits.
And in my down time, I'm going to build the Leaning Tower Of Pisa.
But I always considered the Leaning Tower Of Pisa to be a success because it's a failure.
So what I've done is, not done the bottom layer, so it'll just go nice and straight.
LAUGHTER I'm not only going to build the Tower Of Pisa, I'm going to correct it as well.
And then I'm going to send a picture of it to Italy and see if they can buck their ideas up.
- Seems fair.
- OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Phill Jupitus.
- APPLAUSE - Hello.
Phill, it's your first time on Countdown.
Are you good at the game? I'm a fan.
I can't imagine that I'd be that good at it because um What screws me up is the pressure element.
The time consideration thing.
If I'd about half an hour for the word, I reckon I could really nail it.
And as for the sums, you can forget it.
I used to work in a bar, so if we did the sums in terms of lagers I think I'd be better at the sums.
And with the word puzzle If you can actually have a salesman come to a door and I'm taking a shit, I think that I could The pressure of DING DONG, "Oh, I've got to do this now!" I can't work to that pressure, but real pressure I can work to.
All right, well, we'll try and hook that up for later in the show.
- It'd be nice.
- OK.
Well, no problem at all.
And with Phill, of course, is Susie Dent! APPLAUSE Susie, are there any recent additions to the dictionary that we should know about? - Erm - Perf? - Perf.
Which is short for performance.
As in, "Jimmy gives good perf.
" LAUGHTER Is that perf with an F or perv with a V? - LAUGHTER - Definitely an F.
Trying to think of other ones.
Schvitz.
As in, "We're all schvitzing in here.
" We're all a bit sweaty.
LAUGHTER - Schvitz is an old Jewish word, isn't it? - Yeah.
Schvitzer is like, half sweat and half white wine, isn't it? LAUGHTER - Very refreshing.
- Lovely And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE Rachel, you used to work in a bank.
How does that compare to working on Countdown? When I worked at the bank, it was when the markets crashed, so Serious stuff.
People were homeless.
But the worst thing that can happen here is when Countdown's on the board, I accidentally cover up the first O with my head.
And then get screen grabbed.
LAUGHTER Tonight, the prize the teams will be playing for is this, the Countdown Dog Jacket.
APPLAUSE We got a jacket for the dog and he's wearing nothing.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to pick.
- Er, can I have a consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Roisin.
D.
Another consonant.
M.
Can I have a vowel, please, Rachel? E.
Another vowel.
I.
Another consonant.
- P.
- Another vowel.
- O.
- Another consonant.
L.
Another consonant.
- P.
- And another consonant.
And the last one G.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
"HE" PLAYS THE COUNTDOWN THEME WITH HEAVY FEEDBACK APPLAUSE Sean, how many letters? Six, Jimmy.
- Roisin, how many letters? - Four! LAUGHTER - Jon? - Seven, I think.
- David? - Five.
Oh, Jesus.
I thought you were going to be good.
LAUGHTER Roisin, what's your word? LEGO? LAUGHTER Roisin, you've really outdone yourself.
Susie, are you allowed LEGO? - No, it's got a capital L.
- Change it to OGLE.
- Yep, OGLE.
- You could change it to OGLE if you'd got OGLE, but she didn't get OGLE, so you bloody can't.
David, what's your five? MODEL.
MODEL.
Sean, your six? LOPPED.
- SUSIE: - LOPPED, yes.
Jon, if I'm not bothering you, what's your Er, PIMPLED.
Wow! - PIMPLED? - The PIMPLED boy was forced to masturbate LAUGHTER .
.
as girls did not find him attractive.
Yep, you can be pimply or pimpled.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? - I think we were beaten by Jon there.
- Yeah.
We've got a six Oh, GLOPPED.
- Is GLOPPED - I like GLOPPED.
- .
.
allowed? - GLOPPED? - I think glooped Boom! Boom! - Go, Jup! - That is very good.
- Glopped! - Which is to produce something sticky and unpleasant.
- Damn straight! LAUGHTER So at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with 7.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers - Shall I say? - Yeah, I'm busy.
- OK.
We'll have one from the top and four other ones that aren't from the top.
You need six.
And thenanother one.
LAUGHTER 8.
5.
6.
9 It's my PIN number.
Oh, shit! LAUGHTER .
.
and 25.
And the target 828.
Your time starts now So the target was 828 David, did you get it? I have not made a single mark on my piece of paper.
I didn't do it.
I've just been sitting here.
LAUGHTER I'm sorry, I meant to do it.
I didn't do it.
And before I knew it the time was gone.
I'll do it for tomorrow.
Roisin, I noticed at one stage you went - LAUGHTER - I can't help feeling that does not bode well, did you get it? I got No.
- LAUGHTER - You got no? - I wasn't finished.
- How close did you get? Erm 900 - 56 Er Lower than 900.
We think it's lower than 900.
OK.
Sean, what did you get? I got 829.
Ooh.
Jon, what did you get? I got 830.
- Sean.
- JON: The tension's unbearable.
- 9 + 8 is 17.
- Yeah.
x 25.
Is 425.
Oh LAUGHTER Oh, shit.
Jon, how did you get your 830? Er, 6 x 4 is 24.
- Yeah.
- + 9.
- + 9 = 33.
- x 25.
- x 25 = 825.
- Oh, you are fucking kidding me LAUGHTER Well, what I did there, Jimmy, instead of 8 - 5 = 3 and adding that on, I just plopped the 5 on and got back to my fucking model, didn't I? LAUGHTER - + 5.
- + 5.
Yeah, two away.
That'll do, won't it? It's only a game, it doesn't matter if you got it exactly right, you prick.
You model-bulding, virgin prick OK, I think Jon's having a bit of a mid-life crisis, we'll move on.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Rachel, you're not bad with numbers.
Could you do it? There were a few ways.
You could have said 25 + 6 = 31 - 8 = 23.
And then 4 x 9 = 36 and times them together.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Phill, what have you got for us? - Well, Jimmy.
Countdown, the perfect, perfect meeting of numbers and letters, - you would have thought.
- Yeah.
But hey, having the jump on this delightful format, my friend, is the Japanese art of Haiku.
That is to say, poems which have to have 17 syllables in the structure of five, seven, and five.
A form developed in the 17th century, perfected in the 19th century by its greatest practitioner, a Japanese poet called Basho.
I could read you one of his now.
Which is called The Old Pond and goes "Furu ike ya "kawazu tobikomu "mizu no oto.
" That translates as "At the age-old pond, "A frog leaps into water "A deep resonance.
" Now, this is obviously a quite inspirational poetic form for me so I've written one and this is called The Elephant In The Room About Dieting Haiku.
"The thing they don't say "That we all know to be true.
"Shit more than you eat.
" LAUGHTER - It's beautiful.
It's a beautiful art form.
- What a wonderful sentiment.
- How powerful.
- But that's impossible.
Because then you'd be getting rid of bits of yourself, wouldn't you? Sean, Sean, if you want to express an opinion on dieting, I think you'll find the best method is a haiku.
- Don't just say it, write a poem about it.
- OK.
Now.
Right now, write a beautiful poem.
HE HUMS Phill, have you got any more haikus for us? Yeah, I've got another one here.
I've written on for one of the panellists today.
"Roisin Conaty, exactly five syllables, top girl for haiku.
" LAUGHTER Here we go.
"Panellist Sean Lock, has only two syllables.
"Sean Lock, Sean Lock.
See?" LAUGHTER I've got mine.
"Celery, pasta, "Rice and dips.
"Lay off the sausages and the chips.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Phill Jupitus.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Roisin have no points, Jon and David have 14 and here is your teaser.
The words are GO TO BANG and the clue is, "Hop on and slide down.
" - LAUGHTER - That's GO TO BANG, "Hop on and slide down.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GO TO BANG and the clue was hop on and slide down.
It was, of course, TOBOGGAN.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a little bit.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and David.
OK, David, your turn to choose.
Oh, letters Er - Letters, yeah.
- Lovely.
Um, hello.
- Could I have a consonant, please? - Of course.
S Another consonant, please.
- R.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
- S.
- And a vowel, please.
- A.
- And a consonant, please.
Another R.
And another consonant, please.
- V.
- And a vowel, please.
And the last one O And your time starts now.
Loser.
I sense something happened while I was concentrating on my anagram game.
David, what have you got? I've got six.
- Six.
Sean, what have you got? - Same, same.
OK, what's your six, Sean? - RAISES.
- RAISES.
OK.
And David? ROVERS OK, well, six points to both teams.
Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? Um, yeah, I've got a seven here.
- Um, OVARIES.
- Excellent.
- OVARIES.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - WOLF WHISTLE - Fancy.
- He's good at this.
OK, so, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have six, Jon and David have 20.
Right, now time for Roisin and Jon to head-to-head.
Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, I'm taking you down, princess.
Jive-talked by a woman who can't even wash.
Umone from the top, and the rest from wherever you like.
Thank you.
Five little ones for you.
Right, for this round, you've got 7, 9, 10, 5, 3 and 25.
And the target - 831.
Right.
And your time starts now.
I'm not doing this one, and yet there's no entertainment.
Can't you do the trike thing again? Now I'm free to watch? Really sorry, we don't have it set up.
So the target was 831 - Jon, did you get it? Eight hundred ander twenty nine.
Roisin, did you get it? I think I've got 825.
- Go on.
- So, I've got 5 times 25 is - 5 x 25, 125.
- LAUGHTER Sorry, you've got terrible indigestion, just for the moment you were trying to work that out.
Because last time I did my working out I was wrong.
125.
Then 125 times 7.
Well, don't just let her do it for you! And then take away, um LAUGHTER Take away 10 10 times 3.
10 times 3 is 30.
And then take that away - that's what I got.
845 OK, so 14 out.
OK.
What did you get, Jon? Er, 25 x 3.
25 x 3 = 75 Plus 7.
Plus 7 = 82.
Times by 10.
- 820.
- And add 9.
Yeah, two away.
Well done.
So, seven points to Jon.
Rachel, could it be done? Um, yes.
You could have said 25 + 5 + 10 = 40, 40 x 3 = 120, 120 x 7 = 840 and take away the 9 = 831.
Might as well be magic.
Might as well be magic.
It's her job.
It's her job.
Just doing her job.
It's like every time a milkman puts some milk on your step, you come out and go, "Well done!" It's a bit like every time you make a joke and people just But they don't, actually.
They don't.
I wish they did, actually.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Phill, what have you got for us? Well, I've been writing a lot of haikus, and the pure form of haiku does have to mention a season in the final line.
So I've been watching what's going on here, and Roisin said something just now, at the beginning of the last round - - I've incorporated that into a haiku.
- Oh, lovely.
So, here we go.
"Roisin says to Jon "'I'm taking you down, princess' "Like Prince Philip.
Spring.
" LAUGHTER I've got another - I've got one about you.
Because I was very much enjoying your bicycle ride earlier.
And so - here we go.
- A haiku about that.
- Sure.
"Our host Jimmy Carr "Kills time during the countdown "He could have sex twice.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Scores at the moment - Sean and Roisin are on 6, Jon and David are on 27.
And here is your teaser - the words are SNOG SPI and the clue is, show me the way.
That's SNOG SPIT, show me the way.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SNOG SPIT, the clue was - show me the way.
It was, of course, SIGN POST.
OK, Before we go on.
He doesn't work here any more but he's agreed to inject some glam into proceedings.
Please welcome Joe Wilkinson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Hello, Joe.
What's going on, mate? - All right, Jimmy.
Erm - It's been a bit of a weird week.
- LAUGHTER Basically what happened was I found a magic lantern, gave it a rub.
Genie popped out.
Turned out to be a nice fella.
So we got chatting and I explained that you'd fired me cos you're an anus.
So he offered me a job, so I'm a part-time genie now.
I just do Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
It's cash in hand so I thought, why not? What's it like being a genie? It's fucking boring.
LAUGHTER Just sit in a lantern all day.
Just waiting.
Luckily they've got Sky.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Otherwise I'd go batshit, to be honest with you.
LOUD BANG Fuck it! You're a tit! That was meant to happen when we came out, you bell-end.
One fucking thing! Sorry about that, Jimmy.
Can I ask why Fabio looks like that? He's got the head of a lizard cos that's what he wished for.
He is a fucking idiot.
I, on the other hand, didn't waste my wishes.
Basically, I asked for a new Susie Dent calendar.
Favourite's September, but I can't show you that.
Risque.
Let's put it this way, she's incredibly bendy.
Rachel, I've got one wish left so I thought maybe you could wish for something and, you know - What, anything? - Anything you want.
- Well, world peace? - Shit.
LAUGHTER I honestly thought you were going to say a trouser press.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Never mind.
LET'S PLAY COUNTDOWN! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE See you later.
Will he go home? Hello.
Oh! LAUGHTER Fuck off! Fuck off! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not great in these shoes, I'm not going to lie to you.
- Thanks, love.
- OK, on with the game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please? - Are you going to help or do you want to just stay? - I'm going to Yeah, I'll help.
A little Z.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, it's a squashed up Z.
- Could I use it as an N? - All right.
Have it your way, mate.
- Another consonant, please - Let's have a little - .
.
O wise one.
- I'll have a little sit down.
Another Z.
Gutted.
LAUGHTER A vowel, please.
A Another consonant, please.
Erma hook.
- Consonant.
- Consonant.
Snake.
Vowel.
U-bend.
LAUGHTER - Consonant.
- Just a hump in the road.
- A vowel.
- A vowel.
Ah, teeth.
LAUGHTER - And another consonant, please.
- And a cock and balls.
Cock and balls.
LAUGHTER OK.
Your time starts now.
- Sean, how many letters? - Seven.
- Roisin? - Three.
LAUGHTER - OK.
Jon, how did you do? - Six.
- David? - Five.
OK, Roisin, let's hear your three.
TAN Tan? As in something that might be fake and covered in dirt? Absolutely.
- OK.
David, your five? - DATES.
- Jon, your six.
- ADJUST.
- Sean.
- STUNNED.
- Oh, lovely.
- Seven points to Sean! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? Could have had JAUNTED for seven, I think.
A seven is as much as we can get from those.
OK.
At the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 13 - and Jon and David have 27.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and David, pick your numbers.
We'll have one at the top and another selection of LOUD BANG - Jesus! - JOE: My bad.
Sorry.
Sorry, that's my fault.
Sorry.
I forgot to mention one of my other wishes was to LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Sorry.
Totally forgot.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sorry.
My fault.
Sorry.
APPLAUSE I forgot to mention that one of my other wishes was for the former snooker world champion Dennis Taylor to come on the show and feed me toffees.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Do you want to pop one in Rachel's mouth? - Would you like one, Rachel? - Thank you.
Yeah.
Lovely.
Cheers.
- Anyone else want a toffee? - He's a bloody good shot, isn't he? - Susie, you'd like one, would you? - Yes, I'd love one.
- RACHEL: - It's fudge.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- Nice to see you.
I feel like I'm taking communion.
This is like the weirdest Catholic service ever.
- Thank you, Dennis.
Nice to meet you.
- How're you doing? Nice to meet you too.
- How are you doing? Are you all right? - Thank you very much.
- Hello.
I'm David.
- How are you? I haven't been to confession.
Can I still have one? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - HE MUMBLES - Right.
We've got 4, 10, 6, 8, 3 and 25.
And the target, 619.
And your time starts now.
OK.
Your target was 619.
How did you do? Jon? - David.
- I think 612.
- OK.
Sean, what did you get? - 618.
618.
OK, pretty close.
Erm Oh, I'll ask.
It seems impolite not to ask.
Roisin, how did you not get it? 618? Well, let's see you do it.
OK.
4 x 25 = 100 - 100 x 6 = 600.
- Yeah.
- 10 + 8 = 18.
- It is indeed.
Plus that.
- Well done.
One away.
- APPLAUSE Jon, how did you get it? 6 x 4 = 24 - Yeah.
- And 25 + 3.
25 + 3 = 28 - And times those together.
- Times those together for 672.
- Holy shit! - LAUGHTER Incredibly, ladies and gentlemen, seven points to Roisin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Can it be done, Rachel? - Yep.
You could have said 25 x 6 = 150.
+ 8 = 158 x 4 = 632 And then 10 + 3 = 13 and take it away.
APPLAUSE The scores are pretty close.
Closer than anyone thought they would be.
Sean and Roisin have 20.
Jon and David have 27.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are DICK BASE.
The clue is - sit on this.
That's DICK BASE - sit on this.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DICK BASE - the clue was "Sit on this" - Was of course BACKSIDE.
LAUGHTER Time for our final letters game.
Jon, your turn to choose.
It's all to play for.
- Consonant, please.
- You did a really good job last time.
- Do you want to do this one as well? - Er Do you want me to paint your nails for you? I've got some varnish here.
I'll paint your nails.
That's better, isn't it? LAUGHTER - If you like.
- It's pink as well, my favourite colour.
You two have a little girls' night.
- OK, Jon? - A consonant, please.
- R.
- And another one.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
I And a consonant, please.
R And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
N LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
Just the edges.
Just the ends there.
E And another vowel, please.
O OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHISTLING Jon Jon, what have you got? I can't hold this much longer.
What have you got, Jon? I've got seven.
- You're Sean, not Jon.
- LAUGHTER Jon, what have you got? - Well - Quick! I'm going to fart! Just tell me what you've got.
- What have you got? - Nine.
- David, what have you got? - I've got a seven.
- Roisin? - Five.
LAUGHTER I'll get my jacket.
Oh, my arse! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Right, well, let's hear your five, Roisin.
"Ridden".
- LAUGHTER - How are you spelling "Ridden"? R-I-D-E-N? Can they have RIDEN? Is that a word? - You need a double D.
- Sean? TRAINED TRAINED Great.
David, your seven.
TRAINER OK.
Jon, your nine.
AREDTION LAUGHTER What, sorry? AREDTION It's a real word, AREDTION.
It means something to do with It's an architectural term.
LAUGHTER You check every one of mine.
And I'm starting to feel I'm being punished for trying to excel.
LAUGHTER No.
- OK, that's seven points to both teams.
- APPLAUSE - Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah.
Brains McGee here got ORDINATE for eight.
- There was an eight up there.
- ORDINATE OK, so Sean and Roisin have 27, Jon and David have 34.
- More importantly - Hey, hey! Have you finished your? - Yes.
- Well, that's the real victory.
- APPLAUSE There's only seven points in it.
That means today we have a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
So a bit of concentration.
The tension is huge in here.
Can everyone have positive thoughts about me - and Sean getting this, please? - Yeah.
- Cos that will definitely help(!) - LAUGHTER Really imagine us winning.
Imagine if there is power to positive thinking and you're seriously asking, in this troubled world, for people to focus that energy on you solving a fucking anagram! LAUGHTER - Sean, what are you up to? - One last burst of confidence.
- Just one last - HE GRUNTS What are you listening to? - TINNY VOICE CHANTS: - 'Sean! Sean! Sean! 'Seanie! Seanie! Seanie!' LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, I think you can do this.
- APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
Your time starts now.
Have you got anything? LAUGHTER You should have written down something.
- DAVID: - Oh FLAMINGO.
No F.
No, SOMETHING.
Oh, right.
FLAMINGO was a bloody good guess, though.
LAUGHTER So the final scores are, Sean and Roisin have 27 points, but tonight's winners, with 34 points, Jon and David! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Congratulations! You're now the proud owner of this Countdown dog jacket! Jon, do you want to come and come and collect your prize? APPLAUSE Ah, there's a good boy.
Such a good boy.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
- Good night! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know for example In Tarot cards, the number ten is called The Wheel Of Fortune.
And if you've never had a Tarot reading, it's a surprisingly accurate way to hand money to a charlatan.
LAUGHTER In Roman numerals, putting a bar above a number multiplies it by one thousand.
Whereas in Scotland, putting a bar above something means it now also has an upstairs bar.
LAUGHTER And the term "duckface", refers to the pouting expression, often displayed in selfies.
"Duckface" is also what autocorrect changes my name to, when I get a text off Sean.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! APPLAUSE When it comes to Countdown, Jon's a real winner.
Though I doubt that makes up for the rest of his life.
LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aw! And Jon's team-mate, David Mitchell! APPLAUSE David describes himself as a worrier.
That means there are two worriers on Jon's team.
Which, I imagine, they find a bit worrying.
So, Jon, this is David's first time playing Countdown.
Any tips? Er Yeah.
Just enjoy it.
You only get one life, just It's not about winning.
Just as long as you enjoy the experience.
How can I make sure I enjoy the experience? - By winning and being good.
- Ah.
LAUGHTER David, are you as good at Countdown as you look? LAUGHTER I think you know that it's hard to take that as a compliment, Jimmy.
I'm not very good at anagrams.
Do anagrams help at all? LAUGHTER You're good with words, but specifically anagrams I'm great with words! Just not letters.
Words, I see a word as a thing.
I don't care what it's made of.
If you sort of think, a letter is arbitrary.
A word, it's a thing, whatever, Floor Can't think of any others.
- That's the main one.
- And it's supposedly made up of letters, but it's not made up of letters.
It's made up of lines.
Some of them are curly, some of them join up, some of them cross each other, it's just lines.
And then, arbitrarily somebody says, "That selection of lines, that's a P.
"And that selection of lines, that's an R.
" I don't accept that.
- It's just It's all some lines - Is that why your books haven't sold? LAUGHTER I've had some worrying people on my team before.
I've never had someone come on and deconstruct the idea of a letter.
- So, are you better at the numbers or the letters? - I don't know.
Can I tell you afterwards when it's become clear which? I think I'll be better at the numbers.
- OK.
So maths, you're good at maths? - Yeah.
Well, I mean, there's only really one number, isn't there? And that's one.
Because in effect, every other number is just made up of lots of ones.
LAUGHTER People say, "That's nine.
" I say, "That's not nine, that's nine ones.
" APPLAUSE I have feeling it's going to be a very long night for John.
This is what it must be like being sat next to me.
LAUGHTER And up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean's like a Countdown hustler.
He lures you into thinking he's rubbish and then, when it really matters, he turns on the brilliance.
- He's played the first part to absolute perfection.
- LAUGHTER And on Sean's team this evening, it's Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE Roisin comes from an Irish family and has over 80 cousins.
Life with them is a real roller coaster because they run a fairground.
LAUGHTER - You're as Irish as me, Jimmy.
- I know.
But, you know I was brought up properly.
Roisin, when you look across at Jon and David, do you think this is a fair match, a fair fight this evening? You and Sean vs these two? Yes, I do.
I reckon we can take them.
Go Suarez on 'em.
Roisin, last time you were on the show, - you only got five-letter words.
- All right, Jimmy! Do you think you'll do better this evening? Have you been practising? Um, well, I've dyed my hair brunette In the hope that - I'm blaming the blonde hair for that night.
- It's still blonde, isn't it? No.
- It's not blonde.
- Are you Because it's blonde colour.
- It's not blonde! It looks as if you've let the roots go, but, I mean, that is blonde.
It's not blonde.
LAUGHTER I'm a lot darker and, basically, if I do as bad as I did last time, at least no-one will recognise me when I go blonde again.
- That's my plan.
- Very good.
- Didn't we win last time? - No, Sean.
I was terrible.
Thanks for having me back though! LAUGHTER To be honest, I don't have a lot of choice.
Sean, a lot of celebrities have riders before a big show that have stuff they need backstage before they do a show.
Do have anything before Countdown that you request? I tell you what I ask for, it's a very simple thing.
I ask for it every time but they never do it.
I say, "Can I have a sea view?" LAUGHTER It's not a lot to ask for, can I just have a sea view? But there's apparently no television studios near the sea.
Which is interesting when you think about it.
It's quite discriminatory, isn't it? To people who live by the seaside who want to make a career on television.
They've got to move.
Which I think is unfair.
It's very unfair, it's discriminatory.
There's very little work for trawlermen inland.
- LAUGHTER - To be honest, David, there's very little work for trawlermen at sea either.
- Thanks to the bloody EU.
- But that's - Their fishing quotas.
Who thought we'd get on fishing quotas this quick? LAUGHTER Sean, have you got a mascot today to bring you good luck? - Yes, I do.
I always have a mascot.
- What have you got? - I've got this, Jimmy.
- What is this? - THIS - LAUGHTER - I felt like I needed a bit of coaching, a bit of confidence, so I got one of those confidence tapes.
And I've just been listening to that.
It really puts my in themood.
It convinces me that I can do it, that I can win.
That I am a winner, deep down and I think, you know Yes! - Can we hear a little bit of this confidence tape? - Yeah.
VOICE ON TAPE: Come on! Go on, Sean! Go on.
Come on, Sean, come on, Sean! Go on, Sean LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Roisin, have you got a mascot of some description? - Yes, I do.
Last time I was on the show, I got a four-letter word.
Which is embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as when I realised the letter W wasn't even on there, so I'd got a four-letter word with no W, so now I've brought binoculars to make sure that I can see the letters.
- What was your four-letter word? - News.
Never forget it.
LAUGHTER - And there was no W? - No W Am I right that you have to make the words out of the letters that appear there? Sick! It's bloody sick! I always assumed that people came up with the word and then they edited in the letters afterwards.
- It would be a lot easier.
ROISIN: - You'd think.
Put GIRAFFE or whatever and then you'd put R, F, G - Up there afterwards.
- That's not how you spell giraffe LAUGHTER - David, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do.
- What have you got? I've got a Pointless mug.
LAUGHTER What are you playing at? Well, it's a great show, isn't it, Pointless? I mean, it's a really good show.
It's bigger than the Countdown mug.
LAUGHTER Something's happened to Roisin's arm.
- What's happened to your arm? - I don't know.
It's the dirt from the binoculars LAUGHTER It's not Not many guests that we have on that are just covered in shit immediately.
- LAUGHTER - You're a real talent.
How did you manage to get that on you? I leaned down and I got covered in stuff, God I think we can probably get someone in to clean your arm.
I've got fake tan on though.
LAUGHTER I mean, this is a disaster! RACHEL: Can you rub the dirt in? Just blend it.
Rub the dirt in? ROISIN: You just carry on, I'll just rub this dirt in for a bit.
Bet you're glad you've got me now, aren't you, Sean? Jon, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I've hidden shit under everyone's desks.
LAUGHTER Well, I did a bit of maths in my spare time recently, Jimmy.
We've done a lot of these shows now and I added up.
I've spent nearly two hours just listening to the clock.
So I decided that today I would use my time better.
And I've brought - I've started it already - a little model to be getting on with.
And I've got all my little bits.
And in my down time, I'm going to build the Leaning Tower Of Pisa.
But I always considered the Leaning Tower Of Pisa to be a success because it's a failure.
So what I've done is, not done the bottom layer, so it'll just go nice and straight.
LAUGHTER I'm not only going to build the Tower Of Pisa, I'm going to correct it as well.
And then I'm going to send a picture of it to Italy and see if they can buck their ideas up.
- Seems fair.
- OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Phill Jupitus.
- APPLAUSE - Hello.
Phill, it's your first time on Countdown.
Are you good at the game? I'm a fan.
I can't imagine that I'd be that good at it because um What screws me up is the pressure element.
The time consideration thing.
If I'd about half an hour for the word, I reckon I could really nail it.
And as for the sums, you can forget it.
I used to work in a bar, so if we did the sums in terms of lagers I think I'd be better at the sums.
And with the word puzzle If you can actually have a salesman come to a door and I'm taking a shit, I think that I could The pressure of DING DONG, "Oh, I've got to do this now!" I can't work to that pressure, but real pressure I can work to.
All right, well, we'll try and hook that up for later in the show.
- It'd be nice.
- OK.
Well, no problem at all.
And with Phill, of course, is Susie Dent! APPLAUSE Susie, are there any recent additions to the dictionary that we should know about? - Erm - Perf? - Perf.
Which is short for performance.
As in, "Jimmy gives good perf.
" LAUGHTER Is that perf with an F or perv with a V? - LAUGHTER - Definitely an F.
Trying to think of other ones.
Schvitz.
As in, "We're all schvitzing in here.
" We're all a bit sweaty.
LAUGHTER - Schvitz is an old Jewish word, isn't it? - Yeah.
Schvitzer is like, half sweat and half white wine, isn't it? LAUGHTER - Very refreshing.
- Lovely And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE Rachel, you used to work in a bank.
How does that compare to working on Countdown? When I worked at the bank, it was when the markets crashed, so Serious stuff.
People were homeless.
But the worst thing that can happen here is when Countdown's on the board, I accidentally cover up the first O with my head.
And then get screen grabbed.
LAUGHTER Tonight, the prize the teams will be playing for is this, the Countdown Dog Jacket.
APPLAUSE We got a jacket for the dog and he's wearing nothing.
Let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to pick.
- Er, can I have a consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Roisin.
D.
Another consonant.
M.
Can I have a vowel, please, Rachel? E.
Another vowel.
I.
Another consonant.
- P.
- Another vowel.
- O.
- Another consonant.
L.
Another consonant.
- P.
- And another consonant.
And the last one G.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
"HE" PLAYS THE COUNTDOWN THEME WITH HEAVY FEEDBACK APPLAUSE Sean, how many letters? Six, Jimmy.
- Roisin, how many letters? - Four! LAUGHTER - Jon? - Seven, I think.
- David? - Five.
Oh, Jesus.
I thought you were going to be good.
LAUGHTER Roisin, what's your word? LEGO? LAUGHTER Roisin, you've really outdone yourself.
Susie, are you allowed LEGO? - No, it's got a capital L.
- Change it to OGLE.
- Yep, OGLE.
- You could change it to OGLE if you'd got OGLE, but she didn't get OGLE, so you bloody can't.
David, what's your five? MODEL.
MODEL.
Sean, your six? LOPPED.
- SUSIE: - LOPPED, yes.
Jon, if I'm not bothering you, what's your Er, PIMPLED.
Wow! - PIMPLED? - The PIMPLED boy was forced to masturbate LAUGHTER .
.
as girls did not find him attractive.
Yep, you can be pimply or pimpled.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? - I think we were beaten by Jon there.
- Yeah.
We've got a six Oh, GLOPPED.
- Is GLOPPED - I like GLOPPED.
- .
.
allowed? - GLOPPED? - I think glooped Boom! Boom! - Go, Jup! - That is very good.
- Glopped! - Which is to produce something sticky and unpleasant.
- Damn straight! LAUGHTER So at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with 7.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers - Shall I say? - Yeah, I'm busy.
- OK.
We'll have one from the top and four other ones that aren't from the top.
You need six.
And thenanother one.
LAUGHTER 8.
5.
6.
9 It's my PIN number.
Oh, shit! LAUGHTER .
.
and 25.
And the target 828.
Your time starts now So the target was 828 David, did you get it? I have not made a single mark on my piece of paper.
I didn't do it.
I've just been sitting here.
LAUGHTER I'm sorry, I meant to do it.
I didn't do it.
And before I knew it the time was gone.
I'll do it for tomorrow.
Roisin, I noticed at one stage you went - LAUGHTER - I can't help feeling that does not bode well, did you get it? I got No.
- LAUGHTER - You got no? - I wasn't finished.
- How close did you get? Erm 900 - 56 Er Lower than 900.
We think it's lower than 900.
OK.
Sean, what did you get? I got 829.
Ooh.
Jon, what did you get? I got 830.
- Sean.
- JON: The tension's unbearable.
- 9 + 8 is 17.
- Yeah.
x 25.
Is 425.
Oh LAUGHTER Oh, shit.
Jon, how did you get your 830? Er, 6 x 4 is 24.
- Yeah.
- + 9.
- + 9 = 33.
- x 25.
- x 25 = 825.
- Oh, you are fucking kidding me LAUGHTER Well, what I did there, Jimmy, instead of 8 - 5 = 3 and adding that on, I just plopped the 5 on and got back to my fucking model, didn't I? LAUGHTER - + 5.
- + 5.
Yeah, two away.
That'll do, won't it? It's only a game, it doesn't matter if you got it exactly right, you prick.
You model-bulding, virgin prick OK, I think Jon's having a bit of a mid-life crisis, we'll move on.
7 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Rachel, you're not bad with numbers.
Could you do it? There were a few ways.
You could have said 25 + 6 = 31 - 8 = 23.
And then 4 x 9 = 36 and times them together.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- Phill, what have you got for us? - Well, Jimmy.
Countdown, the perfect, perfect meeting of numbers and letters, - you would have thought.
- Yeah.
But hey, having the jump on this delightful format, my friend, is the Japanese art of Haiku.
That is to say, poems which have to have 17 syllables in the structure of five, seven, and five.
A form developed in the 17th century, perfected in the 19th century by its greatest practitioner, a Japanese poet called Basho.
I could read you one of his now.
Which is called The Old Pond and goes "Furu ike ya "kawazu tobikomu "mizu no oto.
" That translates as "At the age-old pond, "A frog leaps into water "A deep resonance.
" Now, this is obviously a quite inspirational poetic form for me so I've written one and this is called The Elephant In The Room About Dieting Haiku.
"The thing they don't say "That we all know to be true.
"Shit more than you eat.
" LAUGHTER - It's beautiful.
It's a beautiful art form.
- What a wonderful sentiment.
- How powerful.
- But that's impossible.
Because then you'd be getting rid of bits of yourself, wouldn't you? Sean, Sean, if you want to express an opinion on dieting, I think you'll find the best method is a haiku.
- Don't just say it, write a poem about it.
- OK.
Now.
Right now, write a beautiful poem.
HE HUMS Phill, have you got any more haikus for us? Yeah, I've got another one here.
I've written on for one of the panellists today.
"Roisin Conaty, exactly five syllables, top girl for haiku.
" LAUGHTER Here we go.
"Panellist Sean Lock, has only two syllables.
"Sean Lock, Sean Lock.
See?" LAUGHTER I've got mine.
"Celery, pasta, "Rice and dips.
"Lay off the sausages and the chips.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Phill Jupitus.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Roisin have no points, Jon and David have 14 and here is your teaser.
The words are GO TO BANG and the clue is, "Hop on and slide down.
" - LAUGHTER - That's GO TO BANG, "Hop on and slide down.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GO TO BANG and the clue was hop on and slide down.
It was, of course, TOBOGGAN.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a little bit.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and David.
OK, David, your turn to choose.
Oh, letters Er - Letters, yeah.
- Lovely.
Um, hello.
- Could I have a consonant, please? - Of course.
S Another consonant, please.
- R.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
- S.
- And a vowel, please.
- A.
- And a consonant, please.
Another R.
And another consonant, please.
- V.
- And a vowel, please.
And the last one O And your time starts now.
Loser.
I sense something happened while I was concentrating on my anagram game.
David, what have you got? I've got six.
- Six.
Sean, what have you got? - Same, same.
OK, what's your six, Sean? - RAISES.
- RAISES.
OK.
And David? ROVERS OK, well, six points to both teams.
Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? Um, yeah, I've got a seven here.
- Um, OVARIES.
- Excellent.
- OVARIES.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - WOLF WHISTLE - Fancy.
- He's good at this.
OK, so, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have six, Jon and David have 20.
Right, now time for Roisin and Jon to head-to-head.
Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, I'm taking you down, princess.
Jive-talked by a woman who can't even wash.
Umone from the top, and the rest from wherever you like.
Thank you.
Five little ones for you.
Right, for this round, you've got 7, 9, 10, 5, 3 and 25.
And the target - 831.
Right.
And your time starts now.
I'm not doing this one, and yet there's no entertainment.
Can't you do the trike thing again? Now I'm free to watch? Really sorry, we don't have it set up.
So the target was 831 - Jon, did you get it? Eight hundred ander twenty nine.
Roisin, did you get it? I think I've got 825.
- Go on.
- So, I've got 5 times 25 is - 5 x 25, 125.
- LAUGHTER Sorry, you've got terrible indigestion, just for the moment you were trying to work that out.
Because last time I did my working out I was wrong.
125.
Then 125 times 7.
Well, don't just let her do it for you! And then take away, um LAUGHTER Take away 10 10 times 3.
10 times 3 is 30.
And then take that away - that's what I got.
845 OK, so 14 out.
OK.
What did you get, Jon? Er, 25 x 3.
25 x 3 = 75 Plus 7.
Plus 7 = 82.
Times by 10.
- 820.
- And add 9.
Yeah, two away.
Well done.
So, seven points to Jon.
Rachel, could it be done? Um, yes.
You could have said 25 + 5 + 10 = 40, 40 x 3 = 120, 120 x 7 = 840 and take away the 9 = 831.
Might as well be magic.
Might as well be magic.
It's her job.
It's her job.
Just doing her job.
It's like every time a milkman puts some milk on your step, you come out and go, "Well done!" It's a bit like every time you make a joke and people just But they don't, actually.
They don't.
I wish they did, actually.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Phill, what have you got for us? Well, I've been writing a lot of haikus, and the pure form of haiku does have to mention a season in the final line.
So I've been watching what's going on here, and Roisin said something just now, at the beginning of the last round - - I've incorporated that into a haiku.
- Oh, lovely.
So, here we go.
"Roisin says to Jon "'I'm taking you down, princess' "Like Prince Philip.
Spring.
" LAUGHTER I've got another - I've got one about you.
Because I was very much enjoying your bicycle ride earlier.
And so - here we go.
- A haiku about that.
- Sure.
"Our host Jimmy Carr "Kills time during the countdown "He could have sex twice.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Scores at the moment - Sean and Roisin are on 6, Jon and David are on 27.
And here is your teaser - the words are SNOG SPI and the clue is, show me the way.
That's SNOG SPIT, show me the way.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SNOG SPIT, the clue was - show me the way.
It was, of course, SIGN POST.
OK, Before we go on.
He doesn't work here any more but he's agreed to inject some glam into proceedings.
Please welcome Joe Wilkinson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Hello, Joe.
What's going on, mate? - All right, Jimmy.
Erm - It's been a bit of a weird week.
- LAUGHTER Basically what happened was I found a magic lantern, gave it a rub.
Genie popped out.
Turned out to be a nice fella.
So we got chatting and I explained that you'd fired me cos you're an anus.
So he offered me a job, so I'm a part-time genie now.
I just do Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.
It's cash in hand so I thought, why not? What's it like being a genie? It's fucking boring.
LAUGHTER Just sit in a lantern all day.
Just waiting.
Luckily they've got Sky.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Otherwise I'd go batshit, to be honest with you.
LOUD BANG Fuck it! You're a tit! That was meant to happen when we came out, you bell-end.
One fucking thing! Sorry about that, Jimmy.
Can I ask why Fabio looks like that? He's got the head of a lizard cos that's what he wished for.
He is a fucking idiot.
I, on the other hand, didn't waste my wishes.
Basically, I asked for a new Susie Dent calendar.
Favourite's September, but I can't show you that.
Risque.
Let's put it this way, she's incredibly bendy.
Rachel, I've got one wish left so I thought maybe you could wish for something and, you know - What, anything? - Anything you want.
- Well, world peace? - Shit.
LAUGHTER I honestly thought you were going to say a trouser press.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Never mind.
LET'S PLAY COUNTDOWN! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE See you later.
Will he go home? Hello.
Oh! LAUGHTER Fuck off! Fuck off! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not great in these shoes, I'm not going to lie to you.
- Thanks, love.
- OK, on with the game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please? - Are you going to help or do you want to just stay? - I'm going to Yeah, I'll help.
A little Z.
LAUGHTER - Yeah, it's a squashed up Z.
- Could I use it as an N? - All right.
Have it your way, mate.
- Another consonant, please - Let's have a little - .
.
O wise one.
- I'll have a little sit down.
Another Z.
Gutted.
LAUGHTER A vowel, please.
A Another consonant, please.
Erma hook.
- Consonant.
- Consonant.
Snake.
Vowel.
U-bend.
LAUGHTER - Consonant.
- Just a hump in the road.
- A vowel.
- A vowel.
Ah, teeth.
LAUGHTER - And another consonant, please.
- And a cock and balls.
Cock and balls.
LAUGHTER OK.
Your time starts now.
- Sean, how many letters? - Seven.
- Roisin? - Three.
LAUGHTER - OK.
Jon, how did you do? - Six.
- David? - Five.
OK, Roisin, let's hear your three.
TAN Tan? As in something that might be fake and covered in dirt? Absolutely.
- OK.
David, your five? - DATES.
- Jon, your six.
- ADJUST.
- Sean.
- STUNNED.
- Oh, lovely.
- Seven points to Sean! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? Could have had JAUNTED for seven, I think.
A seven is as much as we can get from those.
OK.
At the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 13 - and Jon and David have 27.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and David, pick your numbers.
We'll have one at the top and another selection of LOUD BANG - Jesus! - JOE: My bad.
Sorry.
Sorry, that's my fault.
Sorry.
I forgot to mention one of my other wishes was to LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Sorry.
Totally forgot.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sorry.
My fault.
Sorry.
APPLAUSE I forgot to mention that one of my other wishes was for the former snooker world champion Dennis Taylor to come on the show and feed me toffees.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Do you want to pop one in Rachel's mouth? - Would you like one, Rachel? - Thank you.
Yeah.
Lovely.
Cheers.
- Anyone else want a toffee? - He's a bloody good shot, isn't he? - Susie, you'd like one, would you? - Yes, I'd love one.
- RACHEL: - It's fudge.
- How are you? - I'm good.
- Nice to see you.
I feel like I'm taking communion.
This is like the weirdest Catholic service ever.
- Thank you, Dennis.
Nice to meet you.
- How're you doing? Nice to meet you too.
- How are you doing? Are you all right? - Thank you very much.
- Hello.
I'm David.
- How are you? I haven't been to confession.
Can I still have one? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - HE MUMBLES - Right.
We've got 4, 10, 6, 8, 3 and 25.
And the target, 619.
And your time starts now.
OK.
Your target was 619.
How did you do? Jon? - David.
- I think 612.
- OK.
Sean, what did you get? - 618.
618.
OK, pretty close.
Erm Oh, I'll ask.
It seems impolite not to ask.
Roisin, how did you not get it? 618? Well, let's see you do it.
OK.
4 x 25 = 100 - 100 x 6 = 600.
- Yeah.
- 10 + 8 = 18.
- It is indeed.
Plus that.
- Well done.
One away.
- APPLAUSE Jon, how did you get it? 6 x 4 = 24 - Yeah.
- And 25 + 3.
25 + 3 = 28 - And times those together.
- Times those together for 672.
- Holy shit! - LAUGHTER Incredibly, ladies and gentlemen, seven points to Roisin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Can it be done, Rachel? - Yep.
You could have said 25 x 6 = 150.
+ 8 = 158 x 4 = 632 And then 10 + 3 = 13 and take it away.
APPLAUSE The scores are pretty close.
Closer than anyone thought they would be.
Sean and Roisin have 20.
Jon and David have 27.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are DICK BASE.
The clue is - sit on this.
That's DICK BASE - sit on this.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DICK BASE - the clue was "Sit on this" - Was of course BACKSIDE.
LAUGHTER Time for our final letters game.
Jon, your turn to choose.
It's all to play for.
- Consonant, please.
- You did a really good job last time.
- Do you want to do this one as well? - Er Do you want me to paint your nails for you? I've got some varnish here.
I'll paint your nails.
That's better, isn't it? LAUGHTER - If you like.
- It's pink as well, my favourite colour.
You two have a little girls' night.
- OK, Jon? - A consonant, please.
- R.
- And another one.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
I And a consonant, please.
R And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
N LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
Just the edges.
Just the ends there.
E And another vowel, please.
O OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING AND WHISTLING Jon Jon, what have you got? I can't hold this much longer.
What have you got, Jon? I've got seven.
- You're Sean, not Jon.
- LAUGHTER Jon, what have you got? - Well - Quick! I'm going to fart! Just tell me what you've got.
- What have you got? - Nine.
- David, what have you got? - I've got a seven.
- Roisin? - Five.
LAUGHTER I'll get my jacket.
Oh, my arse! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Right, well, let's hear your five, Roisin.
"Ridden".
- LAUGHTER - How are you spelling "Ridden"? R-I-D-E-N? Can they have RIDEN? Is that a word? - You need a double D.
- Sean? TRAINED TRAINED Great.
David, your seven.
TRAINER OK.
Jon, your nine.
AREDTION LAUGHTER What, sorry? AREDTION It's a real word, AREDTION.
It means something to do with It's an architectural term.
LAUGHTER You check every one of mine.
And I'm starting to feel I'm being punished for trying to excel.
LAUGHTER No.
- OK, that's seven points to both teams.
- APPLAUSE - Phill, Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah.
Brains McGee here got ORDINATE for eight.
- There was an eight up there.
- ORDINATE OK, so Sean and Roisin have 27, Jon and David have 34.
- More importantly - Hey, hey! Have you finished your? - Yes.
- Well, that's the real victory.
- APPLAUSE There's only seven points in it.
That means today we have a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
So a bit of concentration.
The tension is huge in here.
Can everyone have positive thoughts about me - and Sean getting this, please? - Yeah.
- Cos that will definitely help(!) - LAUGHTER Really imagine us winning.
Imagine if there is power to positive thinking and you're seriously asking, in this troubled world, for people to focus that energy on you solving a fucking anagram! LAUGHTER - Sean, what are you up to? - One last burst of confidence.
- Just one last - HE GRUNTS What are you listening to? - TINNY VOICE CHANTS: - 'Sean! Sean! Sean! 'Seanie! Seanie! Seanie!' LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, I think you can do this.
- APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
Your time starts now.
Have you got anything? LAUGHTER You should have written down something.
- DAVID: - Oh FLAMINGO.
No F.
No, SOMETHING.
Oh, right.
FLAMINGO was a bloody good guess, though.
LAUGHTER So the final scores are, Sean and Roisin have 27 points, but tonight's winners, with 34 points, Jon and David! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Congratulations! You're now the proud owner of this Countdown dog jacket! Jon, do you want to come and come and collect your prize? APPLAUSE Ah, there's a good boy.
Such a good boy.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
- Good night! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE