8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s12e02 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, 'Johnny Vegas, Kathy Burke, 'Roisin Conaty, Bob Mortimer, 'Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, 'and Rachel Riley! 'Now, please welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!' CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know for example it would take you 80,000 years to read the entire catalogue of the British Library? But you'll never do it cos it shuts at five.
In Greek, the word for left-handed also means better and it's better because it feels like someone else is doing it.
And the word emunctory describes a bodily organ that discharges waste.
For example, your arse, or Donald Trump's mouth.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE OK.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain Johnny Vegas! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Johnny Vegas, he's done to his liver what Chris Evans did to Top Gear.
- And Johnny's teammate, Bob Mortimer.
- Good evening! - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE - Hello! Thank you for having me! Bob has admitted, and this is absolutely true, that when he first toured with Vic Reeves, he'd urinate in hotel room kettles because he couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet.
I'm not even going to ask about the chocolate on the pillow.
That's true, is it? Oh, I don't know, Jimmy.
It's a long time ago.
I did something that I shouldn't have done.
And that feeling stays with me.
Did you piss in a kettle? Yeah, a number of kettles! Johnny, I bet you've done worse than that, haven't you? I burned my flat down.
- I burned my house down as well.
- Did you? - Yes.
- On purpose? For insurance? No, not for insurance.
I was counting my fireworks, my box of fireworks, just before November the 5th, and I lit a sparkler and it set the box on fire.
I ran through the kitchen, cleaned it up when they'd all gone off, went back into the living room, my house was on fire.
Burnt to the ground.
I ran next-door, two old ladies lived next-door, and I said, "My house is on fire," and they stood there and, "Do you know? "We thought so.
" OK, up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Kathy Burke.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Kathy's famous for playing Waynetta Slob, a character so popular, there's even a tribute act.
Right, Johnny? It's a good one though, isn't it? Yeah, but don't give him the satisfaction! And joining Kathy tonight, it's Rosin Conaty.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying Roisin's bad at Countdown, but we actually get a small government grant just for having her on the show! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A little something.
And now, Bob, I'm aware you love a bit of trashy telly.
What's your kind of guilty pleasure? - Oh, I like George Clarke - (AS GEORGE): Amazing Spaces.
It's amazing, look at that oven.
Who'd have thought you could get three bedrooms in an oven? Amazing space! It's an amazing space! I was dubious at the start, but look at it now! With all that glass! - It's an amazing space! - Oh, no, that's George Clarke.
I'm thinking of whatsisname - the other one.
- You're thinking of Kevin McCloud.
- Oh, yeah.
I imagine Kevin McCloud naked, sat on a girder, like that, saying, "Imagine waking up to this view.
" That kind of thing.
OK, Kathy, it's your first time as a team captain on this show.
- Do you think you're going to be a good leader? - Yes! I will be a great leader.
But I am crap at this.
I've never won this.
But I have to say, Roisin and I used to go to the same school.
- Did you know that? - You both went to school?! We both went to school.
Honestly, I was there quite a few years before her.
- So I've got my Head Girl badge.
- Oh, nice! - That's for me.
- Oh, right.
- Right? And I've got you Deputy Head.
- Oh! Right? But I'll write on that, "Slave".
Oh, this is proper teamwork over here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Genuinely, you went to the same school? - Same school, and I got invited to go back to the school to give a speech to the school leavers and when I went back, every teacher was just so disappointed because they thought they'd invited Kathy Burke back.
They hated me there.
- I don't know why they were disappointed.
- They loved you.
They lied! Kathy, you're comedy royalty.
What's your best anecdote? Oh, fucking hell! I ain't got one.
I ain't got one.
What about that time I was chatting up that very tall barmaid and I thought I was in there? And just as it was like, "Yeah, we'll go there," I did a burp that I thought was a burp and it was like baby sick, it came out, down her dress.
And like adults were coming over and seeing to me.
And that's your best showbiz anecdote, is it? - It's not me best, but it's a shared one.
- Yeah, cos I was there.
- I witnessed it.
- Kathy got up and pretended to need the loo, she was so embarrassed for me.
I once tripped up at the Comedy Awards and broke my fall on Cilla Black's tit.
Roisin, you once tweeted - people's feet are always such a surprise, I never guess them right.
They are.
Sometimes you look at someone and you think, oh, I know what their feet will look like.
And then they get them out and you're like, absolutely no way would I have guessed that's what their feet would be like.
You know? Like, I met someone recently and their feet - it was basically a hand.
And I was so sure he'd have nice feet, and it literally looked like he had spiders for feet.
- I've got a great showbiz anecdote.
- Yay! So, the actress Catherine McCormack, you know her? Very beautiful.
She was in Braveheart.
She's the most beautiful girl in the world.
- Yeah.
- Her feet Fucking hell! I mean Jesus! I've never seen feet like it! And when I saw them, when I was working with her, I went, "Your feet!" And she went, "No, I know.
They're awful, ain't they?" I mean, they had hairs coming out of them.
They were massive.
Massive! And this job, Michael Gambon was on this job and he collects sort of musket guns and anyway, so we were in the bar having a drink and he was telling Catherine how beautiful she was, so I got the hump about this.
And I went, "Yeah, you want to see her feet, mate!" And he went, "Take off your boot, I don't believe it," and he looked and he went, "Hang on a minute, I've got just the thing," and he went upstairs and he got his gun cleaning tools and sat there in the bar of the Westbury Hotel in Dublin and did her feet! Plucking the hairs out! Clipping.
They were like that, talons! Clipping them off, they were flying off.
People thinking they were nuts, eating them.
It was fascinating.
It was amazing.
And she felt marvellous afterwards.
- That is a showbiz anecdote! - That IS a showbiz anecdote! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Now, Kathy, have you got a mascot this evening? - Did you bring anything? - I have got a mascot! I don't know if you've notice, Jimmy, but I seem a little bit brighter these days.
I've done this show a couple of times and I've really had the hump.
Like really, really big pissed off.
Not really wanting to be here.
Sure, thank you very much.
We really appreciate it.
The reason why I had the hump is because I'm going through - the menopause.
- Right.
- Which isn't very nice for us ladies.
Anyway, I'm through a certain phase of the menopause.
Something's stopped happening, which I'm delighted about.
But I've got loads of stuff left over.
Stuff.
Here you are.
So I was going to have a burning ceremony, - but then I thought, they're really expensive.
- They are.
Right? And you have to pay tax on them.
So I've put them in a nice little display here and my young, fertile, still juicy friend next to me, she can have them.
- Oh, that's brilliant! - There you go.
That'll sort you out for the next, well, six months, or something like that.
I don't know.
- What a great gift! - They're all They're small size.
Cat's arse size.
Always sexy! - So there you go, you can have them.
- Oh, thanks, Kathy! What a wonderful thing.
APPLAUSE - I love it.
- Roisin, what have you got as a mascot? OK, well, so, what's that saying, actually? Two heads are better than one.
- Right? - I think just one functioning head would be great.
So I've got myself another head.
- What is that? - That's me.
How is that not Queen Victoria?! What was that for? That was for my comedy show that I'm making, called Game Face.
If you put that nose to nose, are you going to look like a vase? Oh, it's so strange.
Oh, you do! It's freaky! LAUGHTER Oh, it's horrible! I've really scared myself! I've put lipstick on her as well.
On her?! Oh, my God! This is how it starts! I'm so lonely! This is my mascot.
I don't know if it'll stand up though.
Maybe she can lean on the fanny pads.
Are we calling them fanny pads? Well, what else are we going to call them? - Yeah, all right, fanny pads.
- What a jawline? Like an actual slug! You've got to have two made and then put them either side of your council house.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH OK.
Bob, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I have.
A lucky mascot, kind of thing.
It's just a bowl of soapy water.
Cos I'm knocking on a bit, my valves aren't as tight as they used to be.
It's the sort of thing you never have, is it? Someone's been sick or there's been business, you don't have one ready.
I've got one ready.
There's presumably dogs on the show later.
There usually is.
And it's me you'll come running to.
I just love a bowl of soapy water! I really do! Johnny, have you got a mascot? I have, but who can compete with that? Some of us have to make do with us as a giant penguin.
- What the hell is that?! - That's me as a penguin, Jimmy! - I thought it was obvious! - How did you come by this? Somebody came across a load of them and they offered them up to local artists to paint in whatever design they liked and some people went all out and one guy who'd rung me a lot and we'd not had the chance to become proper friends yet, but he kept ringing the house.
He did this.
And he decorated one.
The council allowed him to paint one up as Johnny Vegas penguin come rugby league star phenomenon.
Where does he live, Johnny? At your house, or? No, he lives in the local art centre.
Because when people come in, you know, starting out, young in their career, and they go, "What do I want to be?" Inspirational! They see this and they go, "If I work really hard, one day I'll be painted up as a penguin.
" - He looks like someone.
- Johnny Vegas! OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke is a performance poet and also has a side-line, warning Russell Brand about Christmas Future.
John, have you ever received any strange gifts from fans? I have.
I've had several voodoo dolls.
With pins.
- Quite alarming.
- Were the pins in them or do they give you pins to sort of hurt yourself with? Do it myself, yeah.
I guess that was the message.
And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Susie Dent's written 14 books, all about the meanings of words and phrases.
She's like the JK Rowling of lexicography, if JK Rowling had written 14 boring books that no-one wanted to read.
OK, um, you've been working on a book about the differences between men and women when it comes to language.
What have you found out? Well, I'm hoping to write it with Jo Brand, so Jo being Jo, she's got me looking at various things, including penises.
In English.
And there are about 1,300 slang terms for the penis.
Quite a lot of them I think something like 500 big ones.
And they're weirdly specific as well, so size has always mattered, so in around 1,700, there was something called a rantallion, which is a name for a man, but it was also based on someone whose scrotum is longer than their penis.
And it's described as the shop bag is longer than their pouch.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Rachel's boyfriend Pasha recently appeared in Dictionary Corner on the regular version of Countdown.
Who do you have to sleep with to get that job?! Rachel, it says here you recently went for dinner with your hero, - Sir Alex Ferguson.
Did he live up to expectations? - Yeah, he did.
It made my entire life.
I hosted a charity thing for him.
But they say don't meet your heroes, don't they? Cos I'm always worried I'd say something stupid.
But luckily, the week before, I completely lost my voice.
I just about had enough voice to interview him, but I took my dad with me as well and he's a lifelong Red, so he was so excited.
When I told him that he was going to be sitting next to Sir Alex at the dinner, he had to go upstairs and get his asthma pump.
Aw! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Portable Disco.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE MUSIC STARTS # Ooh, baby, baby # Baby, baby Ooh, baby, baby OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
- Kathy and Roisin, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Woo! - Let's go! - Woo! Get ready! We're about to play Countdown! If she's going to be that slick OK.
- Kathy, you're in charge of the - RACHEL: What can I do you for? Consonant, please.
L.
Consonant.
N.
Consonant, please.
T.
Vowel.
E.
Vowel.
I.
A vowel.
E.
A consonant, please.
R.
Consonant.
H.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one, A.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
Oof! APPLAUSE Well, that was lucky cos you missed them both.
Right, how many? - Go on, Roisin.
- I've got five.
- Five? Personal best! Kathy, how many have you got? I think I've got eight.
Ho-ho! Ooh! - I told you it was our night, Kathy! - I know.
OK, Johnny, how many have you got? You're laughing at me! I've never been in a position to be able to laugh at another contestant! Johnny, how many have you got? Erm, well, this again is unprecedented, but I think I've got a seven.
You think you've got seven.
OK.
- Bob, what have you got? - Four.
OK, so, Bob, what's your four? LENT.
I thought it said FIFA.
Cos you underlined the F.
Oh, no.
It's me, I can't read.
OK, Roisin? - THERE.
- OK, Johnny, your seven? I mean, this is Johnny Vegas with a seven letter word.
This'll be not only the longest word he's ever got on the show, but the longest word he's ever spelled.
ENTHRAL.
SUSIE: It's fine.
Wahey! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ENTHRAL! Seven letters, Johnny! Seven letters! For the points, Kathy, an eight letter word.
I think I've got this wrong.
LENGTHIER.
- LENGTHIER, we need a G.
- I knew I needed a G! - You can't hear the G.
- No, that's true.
- Why is it there? True.
Can we not just have there, knowing that we don't need the G in it? I'm willing, if you want to spell words without the actual letters being there - I'm happy.
- I'm happy with that, yeah.
I'm happy to scratch this one and do the rest of it Why don't we spell them as they sound? It's seven points to Johnny Vegas.
Well done, Johnny Vegas.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? - They could have got an eight.
- They could have got an eight.
LEATHERN.
- LEATHERN.
What does LEATHERN mean? - Leather with an N on the end.
- Made of leather.
- OK, so at the end of that, Johnny and Bob are in the lead with seven points.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers.
Johnny and Bob, your turn to pick the numbers.
What do you say? Four from the top and the rest as fresco? - Does that work? - That works.
- I'll do that one then.
- You want four from the top? - Yeah.
KATHY: Yeah, the tops ones are the big ones, aren't they? Depends if you want to screw everybody over, or? Yeah, I'd like to do that.
Ask for one number and then wait ten minutes and ask for another number, wait ten minutes, and ask for Where will that get us? She only pushes the button at the end.
Two from the top, then al fresco.
So, two large, four little.
We're having a 7.
And a 5.
And a 2.
And another 7.
- GASPS - And 75.
My mum's phone number! And your target, 231.
OK, your time starts now.
OK, Bob.
Did you get it? I got 227.
22, that's pretty close.
Johnny, did you get it? I didn't write athing down.
Kathy, did you get it? I got 250.
250, well, well done.
Well done.
That is I mean, you might as well have said no.
Roisin, did you get it? Got 235.
- 235? - Oh, Roisin! OK, how did you get 235? 5 X 7 is 35 Yeah.
100 X 2 is 200 Yeah.
Guys! - Add them together.
- Yeah.
- Right, well done.
APPLAUSE OK, I mean, you both seem thrilled with that.
I'm amazed! Bob, how did you get 227? 75 X 2 is 150 - Yeah.
- Slow it down a bit.
People aren't following.
Plus Argh! Plus the 5 and the 7 is 57 5, 7 5 and 7 is 57 Yeah.
5 and 7 is 57 That's how that works, yeah(!) OK.
And now what? 5 next to a 7 is 57 Oh, I give in.
The lovely thing is, I think we're all really happy for each other, aren't we? - OK, well, Roisin, you were closest there, so you get seven points.
- Yes! - Thank you very much.
- APPLAUSE Rachel, um, presumably I mean, do we have a super computer on hand? Is there any way that this could be done, this almost impossible sum? There were a few.
You say it like it's Do you want to do it, Jimmy? I haven't given it a second's thought! I've no idea! One way you could have said - 75/5 is 15 add to 100 for 115 times it by 2 and then you end up with 7/7 - and you end up with 231.
- APPLAUSE So, at this point, Kathy and Roisin have seven.
- Johnny and Bob also have seven.
- Wahey! APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, have you got any poems for us? Yes, I do, Jimmy, and this is one from way back.
It's called The Health Fanatic.
It wasn't written from experience, I guess you can tell from the cadaverous complexion.
Around the block, against the clock Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock Running out of breath, running out of socks Rubber on the road, flippety flop Non-skid agility, chop-chop No time to hang about Work out, health fanatic, work out! Crack of dawn, lifting weights Tell-tale heart reverberates High in polyunsaturates Low in polysaturates The Duke of Edinburgh's award awaits It's a man's life He's a health fanatic, so was his wife A one-man war against decay Enjoys himself the hard way Allows himself a Mars a day How old am I? What do I weigh? Punch me there, does it hurt? No way Running on the spot, don't get too hot He's a health fanatic, that's why not Running in a traffic jam, taking in the lead He gets hyperactivity, never goes to bed Deep down, I want to kick it in the head They'll regret it when they're dead There's more to life than fun He's a health fanatic, he's got to run Beans, greens, tangerines Low cholesterol margarines His limbs are loose, his teeth are clean He's a high-octane fresh air fiend You've got to admit he's keen What can you do but be impressed? He's a health fanatic, give it a rest Shadow boxing, punch the wall One-a-side football, what's the score? One-all Would have been a copper, too small Could have been a jockey, too tall Knees up, knees up, head the ball Nervous energy makes him tick He's a health fanatic, he makes you sick.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE And here is your Teaser.
The words are SNOT GUSH, the clue is - take aim and fire.
That's SNOT GUSH - take aim and fire.
See you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SNOTGUSH.
The clue was - take aim and fire.
It was of course SHOTGUNS.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for Kathy and Johnny.
- Oh, no! So, Johnny, it is your turn to pick the letters.
Er Vowel.
Thanks, Johnny.
- E.
- Vowel.
- A.
- Consonant, please.
- X.
- X, really? - With this lot playing? - Consonant, please.
- They'll be all right.
- Do we need the X with this lot playing? We'll see how we get on at the end.
If it looks rubbish we'll bin it.
Vowel, please.
- O.
- Consonant, please.
- C.
- Consonant, please.
- M.
- Cracker.
Vowel, please.
- E.
- Yeah, and Do you want this one or do you want to switch? - Can you switch? - Well, why not? - You probably need a bit of help, don't you? It's Bob playing.
- Sorry? LAUGHTER - I'll have you know Bob has done from marvellous colouring in.
- LAUGHTER - S.
- There you go, an S, great, perfect.
OK.
Consonant, please.
- T.
- Right, and your time starts now.
Oh, lovely, perfect, hello.
AUDIENCE: Aw! I'll give you your dinner.
Do you want some food? Yeah, good boy.
Do you want some? Come on, eat, eat, come on.
Oh, there's a dog.
LAUGHTER Try some, it's delicious.
LAUGHTER Do you want to go back to your mummy? You go, you There you go.
APPLAUSE - Dog food, anyone? - OK.
LAUGHTER - I buy my cat cat soup.
- Cat soup? - In a little pet sachet, and that's lovely.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- There you go.
- Oh, wow, thank you.
LAUGHTER - Any interest? - No, thank you.
But thanks for the offer.
- Oh! - LAUGHTER - People, he will, won't you? You're not going to - What's happening? We're just eating dog food.
LAUGHTER - They're not really.
- No, fuck off, no.
LAUGHTER Please don't, I'll be sick.
I'll be sick.
LAUGHTER Dare you! LAUGHTER It's all right! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER BOB COUGHS LAUGHTER CHEERING Oh, you cheap man.
LAUGHTER - Is that dog food? - I don't know, but I want to jump through hoops - and have somebody go like that.
- LAUGHTER - Kathy, how many did you get? - Six.
- Six? - Oh.
- OK, Johnny, how many did you get? - I got five.
OK, what was your five? - SMOTE.
- SMOKED? POSHLY: SMOTE.
LAUGHTER People like you that I waste half an hour in London trying to buy a barm cake.
LAUGHTER "Do you mean a bun?" APPLAUSE "Do you mean a bun?" "Yes, something I can put some chips in.
" "No, I think you'll find that's a bap.
" LAUGHTER I called it done, for north-east it's bread bun.
- No, it's not! - It is bread bun.
- It's a bap! I'd never heard of bap till I moved to Manchester.
It's a butty.
You're both wrong.
LAUGHTER OK, Kathy, what was your six? - COMETS.
- Well, six points to Kathy.
Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Denton, could they have done any better? Yeah, there was an eight, COMPETES.
- Oh! - Oh! - Bollocks.
- God.
OK, so at the end of that, Johnny and Bob have seven, Kathy and Roisin have 13.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now, can't believe your look, for Roisin and Bob to go head-to-head with the numbers.
OK, Roisin, your pick of the numbers.
Erm Give me all your good guys.
LAUGHTER No, feel over it, feel Yeah.
This one, this one, they all just feel the same really.
Some of them might feel nicer though.
All right, we've got a 10, 1, 6, 4, 75 and 25.
And the target - 410.
OK, so your target's 410.
Bob, Roisin, your time starts now.
OK, so you were aiming for 410.
Roisin, did you get it? Yes, I did.
Oh, my God, I've never seen you look smug before.
LAUGHTER I thought it was quite easy, that one.
Well, you're a maths genius.
Bob, did you get it? No, I did not.
LAUGHTER How close did you get, Bob? Just out of interest, how close did you get? Like, I got 6 x 75 = 450 - Right.
- And 15 x 4 = 60.
So, 390.
I think it's more difficult to not get that one than to get that one.
Let's go to Roisin now, Roisin 25 + 75 = 100 Yep.
100 x 4 = 400.
400 + 10 = 410.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, ten points for Roisin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so the scores - Johnny and Bob have seven, - Kathy and Roisin right out in front with 23.
- Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- John Cooper Clarke, have you got another poem for us? - I do, Jimmy.
And this is a quiz within a quiz, before it has an answer.
A bit of fun.
LAUGHTER The title is a moustache you a question.
LAUGHTER Why are Lord Lucan, Douglas Fairbanks, Lloyd Rakusen, Schicklgruber, Frederick Nietzsche, Captain Webb on Dover Beach? Monsieur Gilet, Gary Brooker, Ned Flanders, John Lee Hooker, Comrades Stalin, Zachary Scott.
What do these people got? Wait for it, more clues.
LAUGHTER Don Amici, Dennis Farina, Ike, yes, but never Tina.
LAUGHTER Clifton Webb, Errol Flynn, occasionally Anthony Quinn.
Sir Oswald Mosley, health fascist.
LAUGHTER Yes, you guessed.
They have moustaches.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are NOBISRAW.
The clue is - it's all kinds of colours.
That's NOBISRAW.
It's all kind of colours.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOB IS RAW, the clue was - it's all kinds of colours.
It was, of course, RAINBOWS.
OK, before we get on, it's time to give our teams a chance to win some bonus points.
In honour of the great Dr John Cooper Clarke being here this evening, I've asked all the players to write poems.
John will, of course, be judging our poetry competition, and there's five points on offer to the winning poet.
Before we get started, John, any performance tips for them? Don't bump into the furniture.
Stay where you are.
Stay seated.
OK, Kathy, you're to go first.
Could you talk us through your poem first? What have you written about? Well, no, the point of poetry, you don't explain it, do you, John? - You don't do that, Kat.
- Kathy, can we hear your poem, please? OK, so my poem, Dr John, is called Most Accidents Happen In The Home.
Don't eat bleach If you do You will turn Dead and blue.
Some notes from John Cooper Clarke.
What do you think? Oh, that's a public service ad that's going to run for years and years and years.
- Roisin.
- I'm not very good at poems.
OK The man with three balls juggled them But it didn't work Susan left and took the rest of the merlot.
When you say the man with the three balls, was he a juggler or was? I think I didn't made it clear, they were his balls on him.
I thought it was a juggler trying to impress a lady.
No, it's meant to be, like testicles.
And he's meant to What I should have said was, the man with three balls juggled them to lighten the mood I'll do it when I get home.
OK, Bob, you've written a poem.
Come on.
Thanks, Johnny.
I awake with a face like a disgruntled pug Like a haunted oven Like an archer's finger Like an abandoned pan But at least so far Not the face of Jimmy Carr.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jimmy, don't take it personally.
You're a handsome, young man, I'm a wizened, oldwalnut.
- What do you think of Bob's shit poem? - Well LAUGHTER Sometimes it only takes one line, Bob, - and that's memorable - the abandoned pan.
- It's sad, isn't it? Yeah, that'sthat's dogging my every footstep.
ROISIN: It's really good.
- Yeah, that's that's smashing, that.
- Thank you.
- Johnny, what's your poem? - I don't want to do mine.
You've got to do yours.
No, I don't want to do it.
I tried a bit too hard.
You're among friends, Johnny.
Come on, do us your poem.
Don't be shy.
- Oh, no, it's going to be dead embarrassing.
- No, come on.
KATHY: It's really long, man.
LAUGHTER - It's not all of them, it's a page.
- OK.
- I apologise in advance.
- Johnny Vegas, everyone.
Don't apologise.
APPLAUSE Give it to me, Johnny.
OK, all right, all right.
It's about last orders.
Ask not for whom that bell doth toll As weary barmaids' eyes do roll And landlord with an earnest shout Calls time on drinks and ushers out The dutiful sup up and leave But he's a last card up his sleeve With feet like landlocked deep sea diver Shuffles barwards with a fiver He begs the lass for just one more And one yourself, just make it right He promises to drink it quick Yet deep down knows he's feeling sick Not from stout or bags of scratchings More from questions booze keeps asking What happened to the happy me? I think No, hang on, need to pee In the bog, the poet sways Poised to ponder fonder days Before the time of cheap, warm cider Eyes of wonder opening wider Now they narrow, tired of fun As fart turns wet and burns the bum Yet wry smile pops in his head Till urine runs down inside leg And thus the landlord shows him out The child inside is crying out "I was not meant for such sweet sorrow" But opts instead for "See you tomorrow" Thou stout-soaked, cig-stained, feckless soul Is what for, not whom, that bell did toll.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, come on.
I think we have a winner.
Come on.
That was heartbreaking! It was about a friend.
LAUGHTER John, I mean, as if that needs any reviewing.
What do you think? Well, in terms of reticence and hard work and personal embarrassment for yourself, Johnny, you've emotionally blackmailed me into it.
The prize is yours.
APPLAUSE Five points to Johnny Vegas.
OK, on with the game.
Kathy and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
- Ooh! - Oh, OK, what should we go for? - Vowel, please, lovely Rachel.
- You do it, Kathy.
O Another vowel, please.
A Another vowel, please.
U Oh, I don't like this.
Consonant, please.
Consonant.
G Consonant, please.
S Consonant, please.
M Oh, crumbs.
Vowel.
I - And a consonant.
- And the last one R Oh, balls.
And the time starts now.
So, Kathy, how many letters? - Oh, five.
- Five? Oh, no, six! Yep, stick an S on it, there you go.
Roisin, how many have you got? - Nothing.
- Nothing? I mean LAUGHTER Come on, Roisin.
GITS OK, Bob.
- Five.
- Five.
- Five letters.
OK, Johnny? Five.
Five letters.
- Five.
Five letters.
- Five letters.
- Well, Bob, what was your five? GUSTO GUSTO.
Johnny, your five? GOATS - GOATS? - As in the plural of goat.
Kathy, what was your six? GROUTS JOHNNY GASPS - Well, six points to Kathy.
- Whey.
APPLAUSE - Susie, I had an ORGASM.
- Yeah, so did I.
- Did you have an ORGASM, too? - I did.
John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? - They could, they could have got a niner.
- Oh, no.
- A niner? TRIGAMOUS It's one up from BIGAMOUS.
Three wives or three husbands.
Susie Dent, everyone.
Nine-letter word.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Johnny and Bob have 12, Kathy and Roisin have 29.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are PURE SLAG, the clue is - keep the noise down.
That's PURE SLAG - keep the noise down.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were PURE SLAG, the clue was - keep the noise down.
It was, of course, EAR PLUGS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Johnny and Bob, your turn to choose the letters.
- Can I have a consonant, please? - Thank you, Bob.
B And another consonant.
R And another consonant.
F And another consonant.
And a vowel, please.
O And another consonant.
G And another consonant.
D And two vowels.
Thanks.
U and E OK.
And your 30 seconds starts now.
Roisin, how many did you get? Six.
- Kathy, how many? - Six.
- OK.
Johnny? You have to ring me on one of those old, "Bring-bring! Hello? "It's Jimmy Carr here.
" I think it rather suits me.
- So, Johnny, how many? - Why don't you ask Bob first? - OK, Bob, how many? - It's the usual five.
- The usual five? - Yeah.
- OK.
Johnny? - Yes? - How many? - Have you asked everyone else yet? - Yes.
- I'm really busy, Jimmy.
- OK.
- Four.
- It's a good one though.
It's a good four.
It's a four, but it's a good four.
What's the four? What's your four? FROG What a lovely word! A lovely word.
- OK.
Bob, what was your five? - I got BORED.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Well, we've been here while.
OK, Kathy, your six.
BROGUE BROGUE.
Roisin, what's your six? - Got BROGUE as well.
- You got BROGUE as well? - Hm.
- Isn't that handy, you two sitting next to each other? - No.
Six points to Kathy and Roisin.
APPLAUSE Yes.
John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could do.
There were three sevens.
You are close there with BROGUE, because there is also BROGUED.
- Oh, I wondered about that.
- Oh, God! - And there is DOUBTED and GROUTED.
OK, so Johnny and Bob have 12, Kathy and Roisin have 35.
Oh, amazing.
- OK.
- Can we still win, Jimmy? - Can you still win? - You could still win back a tiny bit of your pride.
- OK, that'll do.
I just wondered if there was massive points available for the last - thing, but obviously there isn't.
- Unless you agreed to that.
The way the game works, you sort of get points for each round and then at the end you add them up, - because otherwise it would mean all of it - Oh, you have changed! Roisin, you're a disgrace.
OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
That's not even a word! You have to find a word using those letters.
- Johnny? - I've got it.
- Yeah, go one.
- Left by a tiny, tiny greenfly.
Is it LEEF TURDS? No.
How come you didn't get it? Did you get flustered? I just swapped the L for the S.
Shall we have a look? ALL: Oh! So the final scores are Johnny and Bob have 12 points, but tonight's winners with 35 points, Kathy and Roisin! Congratulations.
You're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown portable disco.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's all from us, goodnight.