9JKL (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

The Family Plot

1 - (BOTH LAUGHING) - JUDY: Oh! Boys, we have very exciting news.
We bought burial plots.
For all of us.
Burial plots? I don't want to think about this.
It's too sad.
But what's even sadder is not having planned ahead and having to go to the bad part of the cemetery like poor Uncle Murray.
JUDY: Oh, his plot was so far away from the parking lot, even if we had liked him, we didn't want to visit.
So, what, you met with an estate planner? No, no.
I got a pop-up advertisement - and got a great deal on the plots.
- Mm-hmm.
It just popped up.
Yeah, I saw it happen.
It wasn't there, and then, pop, it was.
HARRY: And we now have four gorgeous plots under a big oak tree.
Four plots? What about Eve? Wha Hmm? And what about my future wife who I hope to meet someday? Josh, you tried marriage.
It didn't work.
Just be buried with your mother.
No, thank you.
Not doing it.
Come on, you guys could spoon for all eternity.
Okay, you know what? I was here, and then, pop, I wasn't.
- I guess that means Eve is in.
- (DOOR CLOSES) Well, Harry, try to be positive.
Josh may still wind up alone and want to join us.
Feel better, buddy.
I'm so sorry, sis; I can't go to the concert with you now.
- Why not? - 'Cause Ernesto has a mouth rash, which is extra nasty because we share a whistle.
So, how about you just give me the tickets to the concert, and I'll go with someone else? - Like who? - Don't worry, not a guy.
I'll call Debbie.
Ooh, Fat Debbie or Skinny Debbie? Fat Debbie.
Ooh, tell her I said "what up.
" (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - All right, I'll see you in a minute.
- Okay.
Well, well, well.
Look at my man getting some sweet action.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
See, that's - Don't "oh, no, no" me.
You dish it out when I'm with a girl.
So, did you feel like a pirate when you plundered that booty? That was my sister.
I did not know that was your sister.
If I had, I wouldn't have mentioned her booty, and certainly not your plundering of it.
- NICK: Yeah.
- JOSH: So sorry.
Well, Debbie can't go to the concert.
Just as well.
The seats at the arena are pretty narrow.
Oh, Josh, uh, this is my sister, Toni.
Toni, this is Josh.
He lives in the building.
With his parents.
Next to my parents.
I was supposed to take Toni to see Chance The Rapper, but, uh, I got to stay and cover for Ernesto.
Ah, so I guess you missed your chance to see the rapper.
Lame wordplay's not gonna help, Josh.
Well But, um, would you step - into the office really quick? - Sure.
Hey, so, you're you're an upstanding guy.
Right? Uh, do you think that maybe you could take Toni to the concert? Oh.
Uh, well, actually, I don't have plans tonight.
- Shocking.
- Look.
You'd really be helping me out.
I'd feel a lot better if I knew someone I trusted is with her.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'd be happy to take her.
Ay, yo, Tone.
Your big brother just got you a plus-one for the show.
And I will be that plus-one.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Your parents bought us burial plots? Yes.
And I know what you're gonna say, but don't worry.
I'll take the one next to my mother.
Consider it my parting gift to you.
That's very nice in a morbid kind of way, - but I'm getting cremated.
- Cremated? - Yeah.
Told you that.
- No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
It's something that I've always wanted.
Other kids wanted to play in the ocean, I wanted to have my ashes spread in it.
So you can be run over by a cruise ship or sucked into a Jet Ski? The ocean is just so free and peaceful.
Maybe if Wyatt dumps me in Malibu, James Franco will swim in me.
We should be buried.
That way there's a place for our son and various other admirers to mourn us.
And they're going to mourn hard.
Andrew, you know I'm claustrophobic.
I can't stand the thought of being close to all that dirt and bugs and your mother.
Forget about her.
We can be buried anywhere.
The point is we're together forever.
Oh, babe, that's so sweet.
But maybe we go with what the guy at our wedding said.
Remember? "Till death do you part.
" I took that as a question.
"Do you part?" No, you don't.
So get cremated with me.
I don't even like to be under a heat lamp.
Well, Nick must really trust you.
He didn't text me once during the show.
Oh, he usually does? Oh, yeah.
Like, if I had gone with Debbie tonight, he would have been all like, "Don't drink too much.
"Don't talk to any guys.
Ay, hit me with a picture of Debbie's butt.
" (LAUGHS) Believe me, I understand having a relative who loves you way too much.
Oh, that's right.
You live with your parents.
Next to.
They're very happy that I just moved back here from Los Angeles.
Well, one of my girlfriends just got a job in San Francisco.
She wants me to go with her.
Oh, my God.
San Francisco's great.
Well, Nick doesn't think I should do it.
You know, I know how you feel.
My mother has always gotten way too involved in my life, but I reached a point where I just put my foot down.
(PHONE VIBRATES) And of course, that's her.
Uh, she gets nervous if I don't answer.
What, Mom? Yes, I will bring home vanilla ice cream.
Foot's not totally down, but it's getting there.
Eve doesn't want the plot.
- Why? - Apparently, she's getting cremated.
When? So, I guess it's just the three of us down there.
Well, what are we gonna do with the extra plot? We could give it to my mother.
Over my dead body.
Well, yeah.
Maybe you could sell it.
I don't want to spend eternity next to somebody I don't know.
Well, how about to one of your friends.
Just not the one who used to kiss me with that scraggly mustache I don't like her.
A friend is a good idea, but it would be much easier to move a pair.
We don't have a pair; we have Andrew.
But if we didn't have Andrew You have got to be kidding me.
Are you seriously kicking me out? Only if we could sell the plots.
Now no one wants to be buried with me.
So, even though my parents really wanted me to go to law school, I chose to become an actor, and I've never regretted it.
Except for the part where my show got canceled and I now live next to my parents.
It's really brave of you to just go for it.
I know I'm gonna regret not going to San Francisco.
Well, then you should go.
I mean, if you want something, you've got to go get it.
You know, I wasn't sure about going to a concert with someone I didn't know, but this has been great.
Well, I'm just glad I could (LAUGHS): Whoa.
Uh I did not see that coming.
Well, you said if I really want something, I should go get it.
I did, but I didn't mean I We can't do this.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed.
- No, no, no, don't be.
- No, I completely misread that vibe.
- No, you didn't, you didn't.
It's just you're Nick's sister.
And if I wasn't? Well then yeah.
Of course.
So you're seeing something you really want? Yeah.
Then go get it.
You know what? It's not just that you want to be cremated.
Oh, cool.
We're still on this.
It is that we are supposed to be a team.
We are a team.
We're married.
We have a child together.
We split a tuna melt like it's nobody's business.
It isn't anybody's business I do not want it to get out that I can't finish my own tuna melt.
The cremation thing bothers me, because it's an example of how you can be a bit of a lone wolf.
I prefer to think of myself as "delightfully independent.
" It's one of the things you fell in love with.
You were a refreshing change of pace from my previous girlfriends.
- God, those girls made me miserable.
- (LAUGHS) And I make you happy.
So come on, can we just cuddle on the couch and watch TV and forget all this death talk? - Yes.
Yes, we can.
- Okay.
And don't forget we have the season finale of Handmaid's Tale to watch.
Why does it say "resume watching"? You were working late last night, and there was nothing else on.
There was nothing else on 7,000 channels? Relax, it's just a TV show.
This, this is a perfect example of how you do things without considering me.
Oh, come on Name one other time I didn't consider you.
Uh, how about the time we went scuba diving in Aruba and you drove the boat back to shore before I'd come up? Well, that was before we were married and had a child.
I am a different person now.
All right.
Let's just eat dinner.
I already ate.
(KNOCKING) Uh, Mom, I'm a little busy right now.
- Hey, there he is! - (FORCED CHUCKLE) - I bought you some thank-you muffins.
- For what? For taking care of my sister last night.
Yeah, you got it.
Look, right now is not a good time.
Oh, no, while I'm here, let me take a look at that leaky faucet in the bathroom, man.
No, bathroom's broken.
Toilet's clogged.
- I'm embarrassed.
- Oh, man, I'm not scared.
You seen the type of things I pulled out of toilets Diapers, ferrets Ooh, this one time, I had - No, and I would take you up - TONI: Josh? The shower's hot and so am I.
Oh, my damn! No, you Oh, my damn! Wait, what are you doing here, Toni? - What's she doing here, Josh?! - Okay, after the show, we were having pizza and we were talking about stuff, and it just kind of happened.
Oh, "just kind of happened," just like that.
"It just kind of happened!" - Yes, it just kind of - Nick, I'm a grown-up.
I can take care of myself.
I wanted to do this.
(RETCHES) I'm-a be sick.
Hold on.
(RETCHES) I'm gonna throw up, I'm gonna throw up.
What's all this commotion? Josh slept with my sister! - (GASPS) - Man, I can't believe you would have a one-night stand with my sister.
Nick, it's wasn't a one-night stand.
We're having dinner tonight.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, we gonna see about that.
He did nothing wrong, and neither did I.
You know what? This isn't over.
Not to overstate the obvious, but I know where you live.
Would we want to be buried with Dave and Susie Wiseman? Oh, please.
I can barely get through a meal with them, let alone the afterlife.
Oh, I know.
The Borensteins.
Well, the Borensteins would be a fine idea if they weren't both already dead.
I'm notifying my Rolodex.
Oh, this is good.
Ira and Enid Reiger.
- I like it! - Yeah.
Their son's a florist, and we'll be swimming in fresh flowers.
Plus they give a lot to charity, and we could use a little of that karma.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Nick, look, I'm really sorry about what happened, but I Hey, no apology necessary.
Let's just go back to our original relationship as employee and building resident who sucks.
Did I get a package today? You did.
Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where you been? Oh, just sitting by an ice patch watching douchey investment bankers slip and fall.
You did our favorite date night activity without me? Should I not have done that? Because I also went and picked up a cupcake from our favorite place on the way home.
Let me guess.
You did not get me one.
I did not.
I guess I failed to consider you.
That must feel terrible.
I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work.
I'm not mad.
Damn it, Eve, if cupcakes and people falling doesn't get a rise out of you, we might as well just cremate you now 'cause you're already dead.
We have been over this.
I'm just independent.
You're too independent.
You live your life like you're on your own island.
Married people do things together.
They decide things together.
They eat and watch TV and are buried together.
It sounds like you want us to be suffocatingly codependent.
At this point, I would love that! (WHOOSH, SOFT THUD) NICK: Please forgive us for this temporary delay.
What? What is happening here? We are experiencing technical difficulties.
(SIGHS) Come on, Nick.
While you wait, please enjoy this hold music.
Doo, doo, doo, doo - Nick? - (NICK CONTINUES VOCALIZING) - Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo - Nick?! (CONTINUES VOCALIZING) Nick, what's your plan here? Y-You gonna keep me trapped in this elevator forever? I don't know.
I'm a millennial.
I don't plan ahead.
Do you really want your sister sitting there in the restaurant alone waiting for me? She won't be.
I already texted her that you're not coming, and she was pissed.
Oh, Joshy, Joshy, Josh, Josh.
You know you get no cell service in the elevator.
It's like a dropped pass.
- No reception.
- Nick? Nick? - (STAMMERS): Nick? Nick? - (PHONE CLICKS) Oh, it's so nice to see you.
You both look wonderful.
Enid, you should get your hips replaced more often.
(CHUCKLES) I've gotten back into rhythmic gymnastics.
- Oh.
- Which works for me.
(BOTH LAUGH) Seriously, we're so glad you called.
It's-it's been forever.
Oh, speaking of forever Well, we actually invited you over to make you a rather delicate proposal.
We're choosing you out of all the couples we know because we feel we have a certain compatibility.
- What we're trying to ask is - Yes, we'll have a foursome with you.
(LAUGHS) What? You mean for bridge? No, Harry, the sex kind.
They're perverts.
We were going to ask you if you wanted to buy two burial plots.
Well, we already bought our plots, but thank you.
Well, okay.
We'll see you around the neighborhood.
Uh, good luck with the burial plots.
Good luck with your thing.
Hey, Ernesto.
Ian, where's Nick? I thought he was working tonight.
He was, but he was so upset, he went home.
Toni called and said she's gonna move to San Francisco.
- Huh.
- All thanks to you.
Hey, I just gave her a little advice.
That's not how Nick sees it.
As far as he's concerned, you bought her a first-class ticket and gave her a ride to the airport.
I got to go talk to him.
I thought about it, and if it's that important to you, we can be buried together.
What made you change your mind? Well, I felt bad that I made you feel bad, so I went to J.
Crew to buy you a present.
What did you get me? A sweater dress, strappy heels and a bunch of other stuff that looks great on me.
Andrew, you're right.
Sometimes I don't consider you.
Uh, yeah.
And I want us to be a team, so let's be buried together.
And what about the dirt and the bugs and my mother? To be honest, only one of those things really gives me the creeps.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but let's compromise.
You still get cremated, but we sprinkle half of you in the ocean And the other half on my grave.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right, let's watch the next episode of Ray Donovan.
(CLEARS THROAT) - You already watched it, didn't you? - Yup.
(KNOCKING) (TRAIN CARS RATTLING IN DISTANCE) What you here for, to make a move on my pet turtle? I just wanted to talk.
Talking is how it started with Toni.
Should I be worried? Nick, I don't think this is really about me and your sister.
Yeah, it is.
What I mean is, I think there's a bigger issue here.
She decided to move, Josh, thanks to you.
She's an adult who made her own decision.
(SNIFFLES) And, look, she'll be fine.
She's smart and strong and totally capable.
Yeah, and I worked hard to make sure of that.
What do you mean? After we lost my dad, my mom had to work two, sometimes three jobs to support us.
And I had to step up and look out for Toni.
(SCOFFS) Man, the proudest day of my life was her college graduation.
And that's why you shouldn't be upset she's moving.
You should still be proud that she's brave enough to do this, and-and psyched that you get to watch all the great things she'll do.
Yeah, maybe.
You, like, won, dude.
You don't want her to resent you for standing in her way, do you? Nah, maybe I should, uh Maybe I should stop being so protective.
And like a parent, you have to let go.
Like your parents? No, like normal parents.
You know, maybe a maybe a change of scenery, you know, wouldn't be the worst thing for Toni.
And then, uh, I'd have a reason to go visit her in Cali, and I, for one, think I would do very nicely with the California girls.
No doubt.
No doubt.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
So we good? Yeah, we're good, man.
- Hey, is this your mom? - Wow.
- Where does it stop for you? - No, no, no.
I was - I want this picture down.
Put it down.
- Okay.
Oh, that's wonderful, Elaine.
See you soon.
Elaine Karchmer is in for one plot.
She never married.
- That's right.
No man could stand her.
- Ah.
Looks like Andrew's back in.
Just e-mailed him.
That's good.
A boy should stay close to his mother.
So, I watched some videos of foursomes, and I don't think we're flexible enough.
A threesome I understand, but four? I wouldn't even know who would put what where.
There are just some things we will never do in this lifetime.
But we've done a lot, haven't we, Harry? We sure have.
You have any regrets? (SIGHS) Only that I can't go back and do it all over again with you.
Me, too.
Hi, guys.
So, I've been thinking a lot about family, and if the plot's still available - (GASPS) - I'll take it.
Oh, Joshy, that's wonderful.
Hey, I just got the e-mail.
I'm back in? You have got to be kidding me!