9JKL (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

Set Visit

1 - That's amazing.
‭- lt was incredibly profound.
This poor guy's life is slipping away.
I took his heart in my hands.
And I just got an amazing acting job.
Oh! There he is.
Our star son.
HARRY: That's wonderful.
Saved his life, no big deal, but, please, Josh, tell us your thing.
- Sit down, Joshie.
- Yeah, sit down.
Tell us everything.
- Andrew, darling, move over.
- Why me? I was here first.
Well, share with your wife.
It'll be romantic.
- Ugh.
- ‭Why do you make us come here? I honestly don't know.
So, Josh, what's the movie? It's a mockumentary called They All Witnessed.
I'm one of the "theys" that witnessed.
- (WHOOPS) - I love the mockumentary genre.
It's the good kind of making fun, like that HBO series The Jinx.
Uh, Harry, that wasn't a mockumentary.
That was a documentary about a real-life murderer.
Oh And the best part is the director is Walter Michaelson.
I mean, the guy's a visionary, a true artist.
I've always wanted to work with him.
Well, that's quite an accomplishment.
Yes, we're so happy for you.
When can Mommy and I come visit you on set? JUDY: Yeah.
Remember how much fun we had when we visited you on the set of Blind Cop? You know what would make this scene better? More Josh.
Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can Harry! You're walking in front of the camera! DIRECTOR: Cut! That was fun, but, unfortunately, this is a closed set.
No guests allowed.
What? We just want to come support you.
Yes, and you know I have great script ideas.
I do know, which is why it kills me that you can't come.
Oh, my God, it sucks so bad.
But on the bright side, you can all come to the wrap party.
- That is a bright side.
- ‭Oh, well.
I won't sneeze at that.
(CHUCKLES) You know, you can visit Andrew at work.
They let people sit in the operating theater and watch surgeries.
- Oh, I don't think I could do that.
- That sounds depressing.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Whoa.
Sexy red dress, red lips.
You're either going to the club or having an affair with a bullfighter.
(LAUGHS) I'm going to the club and I was thinking maybe you would come with me.
Uh, not gonna happen.
You know I'm a terrible dancer and at my height, everyone in the club can see it.
So? All the other husbands go and they're not good, either.
Exactly, and people make fun of them.
I know because I'm one of the people that makes fun of them.
Be serious.
You know it's kind of a bummer that all my friends are there with their partners and I'm on my own.
Aw, now I feel terrible.
Terrible enough to come with me? No.
You know, I do a lot of things that make me uncomfortable - because they make you happy.
- Like what? Hmm, every meal we've ever had with your parents.
You make a good point.
Ah, still not coming.
Have fun at the club.
JOSH: Hey.
I'm looking for the director.
Do you know where he is? Can't be far.
If I'm not within 30 feet of him WALTER: Brittany! He yells.
Inspiration for a movie has just struck.
Write this down.
An orange.
Still water.
Lonely boy.
Eh, never mind, it's too commercial.
Hi, Walter.
I'm Josh Roberts.
Oh, I know who you are.
I like your work.
Oh, you like Blind Cop? No, I've never heard of that, but I liked you in that television program where you played that police officer who was visually impaired.
Blind Cop.
Stop referencing things I don't know.
- Surprise.
- ‭(CHUCKLES) What are you guys doing here? Well, Daddy had an appointment with his podiatrist in the neighborhood, so we decided to see if we could charm our way in to see our movie star.
- And we did.
- ‭Mm-hmm.
We dropped your name at security and they said, "Go right ahead" (LAUGHS): Isn't that great? - So great.
- So, show us around.
Yes, but first I'm gonna have some food.
Marcona almonds? They are not messing around.
I'm taking everything that's not wet.
Ooh So nice.
What are you doing creeping up on me like the world's best-dressed serial killer? Sorry.
I was just watching you move your hips.
Now, see, that just raises more questions.
What are you listening to? A motivational book on tape.
Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm thinking about merging my Roth IRA with my 401K so that my financial future stays A-okay.
I can't believe how well you move without music.
Oh, God, I wish I could just climb inside your body for one night.
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and hit record so when the police find my corpse, they have a place to start.
No, no, no.
I just want to learn how to dance so I can surprise Eve the next time she goes out.
Look at you being all cute.
A heart surgeon with a big ole heart.
Hey, would you be willing to give me a dance lesson when your shift is over? Oh, man, you kidding? I'd do anything for a friend.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to listen to a chapter on mutual funds.
Put it in the bank, ah Put it in the bank, ah Deposit, deposit.
Oh, Josh.
Your name is on the door.
It's written on tape, but it looks like very nice tape.
Just come inside.
Joshie, you seem very uptight.
Mommy's right.
Do you want a foot rub? Guys, look, I'm so glad you came.
I mean, what a fun little surprise.
(CHUCKLES) But this director's a little particular, so I need you to follow some rules.
Oh, I love rules.
They keep me in my place.
Okay, so, no walking in front of cameras.
No suggestions on how to improve the script.
No requests for autographs.
What if someone asks us for our autograph? Who's gonna ask for your autograph? It just so happens your father has been mistaken for the gentleman from The Munsters.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes? Walter made some changes to the script.
Here are your new pages.
What? The scene shoots in half an hour.
Break a leg.
Guys, I am sorry, but I have to memorize these new lines.
Oh, that's okay.
Just pretend we're not even here.
I do it with your mother all the time.
"I'll never forget what I saw on that cold, rainy day.
" What day? What'd you see? No, Mom, I'm doing my part.
Oh, that's funny.
I thought you were talking to us.
Very good acting, Joshie.
Guys, please.
I have to concentrate.
Go ahead.
"I'll never forget what I saw that cold" (CRUNCHING) Mom, could you chew a little more quietly? Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, but it's celery.
It only has one volume.
- "I'll never forget what I" - (CRUNCHING) Okay, look, I love you.
I appreciate you, but I am finding it hard to focus with you here.
Is he still acting? He's so good.
I can't tell.
I'm not acting, Dad.
You're a victim of your own talent.
I'm sorry, but would you mind? Not at all, Josh.
We know this is a very important role for you and we don't want to do anything to get in your way.
Thank you for understanding.
We're just happy to get to see you in your element.
Besides, we'll get to meet everybody at the wrap party.
Okay, we'll let ourselves out.
Great, and please remember, follow the rules and go directly to the car.
- You got it.
See you at home.
- ‭Okay.
I'm taking all these creamers, though.
Oh, my God! Look at that melon.
Keep walking, Harry.
It looks more honey than dew and that's very rare.
JUDY: Harry, we told Josh we were leaving and that's what we're doing.
(GASPS) We're not supposed to talk to anyone.
But he said hello first.
I'm going for it.
We're here to visit our son, Josh Roberts.
The director just gave him more lines.
You two have quite a look.
Bow tie.
The hair.
You have wonderful faces.
Oh, do we? (CHUCKLES) I know we do.
We get that a lot.
All right.
Let me see what I'm working with here.
All right, but I got to warn you, I am bad.
Hey, this is a safe zone.
And remember, always dance like nobody's watching.
- ‭(MUSIC STOPS) Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- ‭Stop saying okay.
Okay, but damn, man.
I always thought Footloose was a weird movie, but now I understand why they want to ban dancing.
You told me to dance like nobody was watching.
Yeah, well, the problem is I was watching.
I can't unsee that.
It's fine, though.
It's fine.
We can, we can work through this.
- Well, maybe I'm unteachable.
- Ah, ah.
Don't you say that about my friend Andrew.
All right, I can teach you.
We just need to-to back way up and-and-and start with some dancing basics.
- All right.
- ‭Okay, you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- ‭All right, - first, take off your shoes.
- ‭Why? I want to make sure you don't have two left feet.
You got the pages.
Better, right? Oh, yeah, I did get the pages, but, actually, I didn't notice anything different.
What? I added three new commas and I changed a period to an exclamation point, which makes a word like this, this! Oh, yes.
I did see those.
Or should I say, those! (CHUCKLES) Places, everyone.
Bring in the jury.
Background, actors.
Court is in order.
And action.
Mom? Dad? What are you doing? (LAUGHS) We're in the movie.
Excuse me, Walter.
What in the hell is going on? Well, we were leaving, just like you asked us to, but then Walter discovered us.
Can you imagine? At our age? This is literally my worst nightmare.
Second only to the one where I lift up a veil and it's you.
I've had that dream.
WALTER: Places, everybody! Court is in order.
And action.
I'll never forget what I saw that cold, rainy night.
- (MOUTHING) - ‭There were two of them.
They looked like regular people, like, you or me.
Then, they-they started arguing over money.
(PLASTIC CRINKLING) Next thing I know, a shot went off, and the shorter one - fell over.
- ‭(APPLAUSE) JUDY: Excellent.
That's my son.
I'm his mother.
All right.
I'm gonna get a rhythm going, and you're just gonna jump in like double Dutch, all right? Okay.
‭Here we go.
(BEAT PLAYING) Any time now.
‭All right.
Yeah, all right.
Try-try to line it up.
Okay? With me, now, okay? Okay, are you even looking at my feet? Like I'm trying, okay? This is hard.
You got this, doc, okay? Do it for Eve.
Ah, there he is.
There he is.
Bring in the guns.
How's that feel? Uh it feels good.
All right.
Now we're gonna add a little sizzle.
Oh, God, I suck! - No - I wish music was never invented! Now That was my bad, that was my bad.
Okay, I threw a little too much at you a little too quick.
Okay? Uh, I was hoping to avoid this, but I don't think that I can make your hips work from over here.
Prepare to be boarded.
What-what? What is happening? Just breathe.
(EXHALES) And release yourself to me.
And rock.
- And rock.
- Uh And rock.
And rock.
And rock.
(LAUGHING): Oh, my God.
I'm I'm dancing! I think I've been stung by the acting bee.
It's a bug, Harry.
But yes, we've both been bit.
Do you realize what you just did? What? Were we not believable as jurors? No, you weren't, and it doesn't matter, because this is my job, and you're ruining it.
Oh, Josh, don't be cruel.
Your father tried his best.
I'm talking about both of you.
The sneezing, the looks of adoration, the unwrapping of candies.
I mean, my God, how much plastic do they put on those things? I ask myself the same question.
And you.
Why were you mouthing along? A mother mouths along.
You were a juror, not a mother.
I was a juror who is a mother.
That's the backstory I made up for my character.
I can't even imagine what Michaelson is thinking, or the amount of damage control I'm gonna have to do to make up for this.
Do you want us to put in a good word? Yeah, he seems to like us.
You haven't followed any of the rules.
What are you talking about? I walked by three people whose autographs I wanted, and instead of asking, I winked.
Okay, you know what? It doesn't matter anymore.
Because as of now, you are both officially banned from every set I will ever be on forever.
Does that include wrap parties? Yes.
It includes wrap parties.
It includes everything.
Joshua, if you keep up that tone, we are leaving.
He's not acting, Harry.
Let's go.
I thought that was very good.
Okay, baby bird, I think it's time to fly.
Nick, do not let go.
Okay, but here's the thing: I already did.
Oh, God.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Oh! I've never felt so free.
Okay, okay.
So you have your baseline, right? Yeah.
So now, let's add the sizzle.
No, no, it's too soon for sizzle.
We're flying too close to the sun! Okay, okay, listen.
You got this.
We just add a couple signature moves, - and then you can blow up that club.
- Okay.
So look, you're my doctor, right? Let's use that.
What-what's something that you do every day at work? Uh, I scrub in.
(BLEATS) ‭Okay.
Uh-oh! Oh, oh! Somebody better prep the dance floor, - 'cause it's about to get operated on.
- (LAUGHS): No.
Okay, well, what else do you do at work? Uh, I, uh, ask for a scalpel.
Yeah, don't tell me.
Show me.
(LAUGHS) ‭Hey.
Yes, Andrew.
Yo, you doing it, man.
You're finally dancing on your own.
Oh, man, I did it! I'm-I'm ready to go dancing with Eve.
Thank you, Nick.
Hey, man, it's all coming together.
- You look great.
- You look great, too.
You're gonna use some of my moves, aren't you? Oh, definitely not.
These don't play where I go.
- Hi, Walter.
- ‭Hmm.
Uh, you got a second? For you, sir? I have all the time.
But be quick, because I don't have all day.
Uh, I just wanted to apologize for my parents earlier.
Don't worry, they will not be bothering you again.
Bothering me? They delighted me.
They delighted my tickle bone.
My parents? The big guy with the droopy face and the little woman who's very controlling? I thought they seemed loving.
Really? You didn't find them intrusive? Not intrusive.
They ruined all the takes.
With their unwrapping and throat-clearing and smiling at me.
On the contrary, I thought they added a lot of value to the scene.
They way your father opened that lozenge was like a person with a real tickle in his throat.
And your mother was like a juror who was also a mother.
Okay, just to be super clear, you did not find them annoying at all? Josh, if I had, my tickle bone would have gone undelighted.
You may see your parents a certain way, but that doesn't mean that everybody else does.
A wise man once said, "See things as they are, not as you see them.
" Huh.
Who said that? - Me.
I said that.
It was me.
- ‭Oh.
- Would you like more milk, Harry? - Yes, please.
(SIGHS) Hey, guys.
Look, Harry, it's our son, who banned us from his life.
And the spotlight of celebrity.
About that.
It has come to my attention that you may not have the same effect on others as you do on me.
Go on.
The truth is, I didn't want you on set because sometimes, I get a little embarrassed when you're around.
I'm sorry.
I know that's terrible.
It's not terrible.
Everyone's embarrassed by their parents.
My mother was a narcissist.
So opinionated, had something to say about everything.
I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you.
And my father was obsessed with food.
And he'd always just agree with my mother.
Well, he was her husband.
Don't you think he should have? Absolutely.
I guess it's the cycle of life: our parents embarrass us until we get older and turn into them.
Well, you know what? If I have to turn into anyone, I'm lucky it's you guys.
- Hmm.
‭- Because you're both pretty amazing.
Yeah? We are? (LAUGHS) I know we are.
We get that a lot.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
Uh, thanks for reinviting us to the wrap party, darling.
I got to walk on a red carpet.
It was in the bathroom, but still.
Somebody took my picture.
He probably thought I was Herman Munster.
(ALL LAUGH) Well, I'm glad you guys are having fun.
(SIGHS) Babe.
May I have this dance? But you hate to dance.
I know, but you love it.
And I love you.
So I learned.
Andrew, you put aside your incredibly fragile ego and learned how to dance for me? Nick taught me.
- ‭(EXHALES) (LAUGHS) All right.
- Mm.
- ‭What's happening? Little something I call "Scrubbing In.
" There's also "The IV Drip"" And - "Putting in Stitches.
" Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.
- (LAUGHS) - ‭I like that.
- Yeah.
It's nice.
- ‭(LAUGHS) And then, uh ooh, checking the pulse.
(LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) - I oh, I got one.
Ready? - Yeah? Yeah.
"Thermometer - in the Butt.
" - (LAUGHS) ‭Oh! And through the window, I saw what I knew was the - banana.
- Cut! And he was just lying there.
- In a pool of blood - (SNORING) The body was just lying there, in a pool of blood.
(MOUTHS) WALTER: Cut! The bigger one just stood there.
- Not knowing what to do - (CAMERA SNAPS) Let's go again.
JUDY: You know, if you stood up straighter, people would take you more seriously.
Ah, better.
Now go back to your little chair and say "action".