9JKL (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

It Happened One Night

1 HARRY: And then your grandmother came to America in 1921, where she changed - the family name - ANDREW: Dad, Dad.
Nine minutes ago, this started as a toast for Eve and my anniversary.
How did we get to Nana in 1921? Sorry.
A fast-forward to the first winter of the Great Depression.
- Happy anniversary! - (OTHERS CHEER) Here's to many more years together.
Have you guys given each other your gifts yet? Oh, no, we don't buy each other gifts.
Yeah, we buy what we want for ourselves Wrap it, and then let the other one give it to us.
Aw, so romantic.
Why do you do that? Because the first year we gave each other gifts, they sucked.
- Mm-hmm.
- Your brother got me a fedora.
And she got me these awful low-top UGGs.
I bought you those.
The point is we have a system, and it works.
HARRY: Judy, don't forget, Dick and Lenore Stevenson are coming over tonight to play bridge.
Yay.
Lenore Stevenson.
What's wrong with Lenore Stevenson? Oh, she's just so competitive, about cards, about life.
She's always trying to one-up me.
I like Dick Stevenson.
Well, that's only because he never stops complimenting you.
I like compliments.
See, this is the difference between your father and me.
He only sees the good in people.
And you only see the bad.
Well, it's easy to see the bad when Lenore is so opinionated and passive-aggressive.
Gee, I don't know anyone like that, Judy.
Would you rather I were aggressive-aggressive? No.
No.
Oh.
I got to go.
My spin class starts in 20 minutes.
You are obsessed with that class.
Should I try it? You should but you can't the instructor Sydney has, like, a cult following.
Wait, Sydney from Star-Wheel? Well, I-I read in Us Weekly Beyoncé can't even get in.
How'd you get in? Hey, I'm semi-famous.
And my friend Luke is dating Sydney.
Okay, bye-bye.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? - Oh, ho-ho! - Oh! Ha-ha! You know, I know Malvino's is a little more expensive, - but it is so worth it.
- Yeah, man.
I never really think about money, especially when it's yours.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Thank God you guys are here.
I need your help I got to break up with Sydney.
You can't break up with Sydney she's great.
And she'll kick us out of her spin class.
I mean, she's fun and upbeat.
And she'll kick us out of her spin class.
Yes, yes, she's amazing for 45 minutes at a time.
But it's hell being with a spin instructor 24/7.
It's so much encouragement, so much exercise, so much (PANTING) so much techno.
Dude, just tell her you want to chill out a bit more.
I tried.
Look, tonight I suggested we have a mellow dinner at my place.
She suggested that we run the stairs in between each course.
I mean, if I keep dating her, yes, I might live forever, but at what cost? - SYDNEY: Luke! - Mm.
- Where are you? - Oh, my God, my body cramps up every time I hear that voice.
I'm right here, babe! - Hi! I thought I saw you - Hey! Duck out on the ninth floor.
It's almost like you're hiding from me.
No.
No.
No, no.
I just had to take a little break from the stairs, so I could do some push-ups.
Hey, Sydney.
Hey, row two, bike three! Hey, come on.
Wow, you're eating chicken wings.
Man, you're-you're so much better than that.
Oh.
I, uh he ordered them.
Ah Sydney, this is our friend Nick, who obviously doesn't care what he puts into his body.
Nick, Nick, come on.
You're a handsome guy with a great physique.
How can you fill it with all those empty calories? Uh I mean, because it tastes good.
All right.
Come on, we still have one more course and ten more floors to run.
Yeah, uh, how about, how about you go start steaming the dessert kale? Hmm? And I'll be right up.
Great! I'll see you back at your place in 20 minutes.
- All right, let's do this! - Ooh-hoo! Ooh! I swear, she is going to kill me.
I mean, it's all so physical and exhausting.
Well, at least the sex must be good.
No.
She never stops coaching me.
"Come on, you can do it, Luke.
Harder.
Faster.
Push it! Get up that hill!" What hill? What hill?! We're in bed! Look, I'm sorry, Josh, but I cannot keep dating her just so we can get into her spin class.
Okay, okay, then if you're gonna do it, you have to break up with her without getting us kicked out.
It can't be done.
It can.
I've stayed friends with every single girl I've ever broken up with.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Oh, wait, no, that was a brag.
Congratulations, man! My friends used to call me "the breakup whisperer.
" I guarantee there's a way to break up with Sydney without getting us kicked out of her spin class.
Hey, I'm all ears.
And I'm all wings.
She hot, but she not gonna shame me.
It's always such a delight having the two of you over for bridge.
Well, like I say, playing bridge is like having sex if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
(LAUGHING) LENORE: Judy.
I'm always so impressed with your home.
Aw, thank you for the nice compliment, Lenore.
Wasn't that nice, Judy? Uh-huh! The way you've decorated, it just doesn't feel as small as it is.
Our townhouse, well, sometimes it feels too big.
Well, I don't have to tell you.
You probably saw it featured in Town & Country.
Yes, we saw that.
You were so brave to let them photograph you from such a low angle.
So, who is up for a daiquiri? I just got a new, fancy blender, and you can be my first victim.
Listen, if loving your beverages is a crime, lock me up, Harry, lock me up! (LAUGHING) So, how's Josh? Oh, he's so - Depressed? - (GROANS) Since the divorce, I mean.
And the cancellation of his show.
Actually, he's bounced back quite nicely.
Hmm.
Speaking of, has your Gregory bounced back since his lap-band surgery? (LAUGHS) Oh, skinnier and better than ever.
HARRY: Well, here we go.
Let's see if Team Roberts can't put a win on the board.
Well, tonight might just be your night.
I'm already feeling a little loopy.
I'm afraid you accidentally got a little strawberry mixed in with all the rum.
(HARRY AND DICK LAUGHING) And it's just for the fun I mean, who can even remember who's won nine times in a row? (CHUCKLES) Oh.
We did.
It was us.
What a wonderful memory you have, Lenore.
I'm so glad it hasn't been affected by all the marijuana smoke coming out of your adult daughter's bedroom.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Happy fifth anniversary, babe.
- I love you.
- I love you.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
All right.
Ladies first.
May I have my gift? As soon as you give it to me.
Okay.
Here you go.
And here you go.
Oh.
- Really hope you like it.
- Okay.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's that record player I've had my eye on for the past six months! How did you know? - I didn't.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.
Let me give you your gift.
Oh.
I can't wait to see what I got you.
- Hmm? - Hmm.
(BOX RATTLING) Ooh.
Hmm.
What is this, this? (GASPS) The Titleist Silver Mist Putter signed by Jordan Spieth.
Babe, you nailed it.
- If you say so.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh.
And this is also for you.
What? I didn't get me anything else.
I know.
I got it.
Happy anniversary.
It's Wyatt's handprints.
We made it at Mommy and Me class.
- Aw - You like it? It's amazing.
I love it.
Aw.
- But - What? Well, I didn't get you anything I feel bad.
Oh.
Honey, no, don't feel bad.
Here, you give it to me now.
Okay.
Uh I got you this.
Oh! What? Wyatt's handprints? Thank you.
No, this isn't working.
Okay, the best way to break up with someone is to be honest, loving and kind.
Or you can simplify it and lie like hell.
Here's some of my greatest hits.
"My gam-gam's sick in Florida.
" Or, or "I'm enlisting in the Army.
" Or, or my personal favorite: "I'm dying.
" You told some girl you're dying? - Yeah.
- What if you run into her again? "I'm cured!" Look, that's great, except I can't take Sydney's spin class if I'm dead.
Yeah, yeah, listen, you don't have to lie.
You just have to make her see why this is the best move for her and not just for you.
Seems easier just to lie.
No.
No lying.
Just remember, you're not breaking her heart, you're setting it free.
- Mm.
- Try it.
What, like, now? Like, right now.
Yeah, let's do some role-play.
Like, in an acting exercise.
- Nick, have a seat.
- Mm.
And, Luke, you just pretend that Nick here is Sydney.
Oh, wait, I don't think Nick wants (SNAPS FINGERS) You got somethin' to say to me? - Well Sydney - Mm-hmm? You are an amazing woman.
Ha.
Tell me something I don't know.
I just feel like you deserve someone who, uh, who doesn't travel as much as I do.
I like when you travel, because it gives me time to do my own thing.
My nails, my own TV shows, and read through your e-mails to make sure you not still talking to Antonia.
Nick Sydney Mm-hmm? I'm exhausted.
I think we should break up.
Oh, you better not leave me, 'cause I will kill myself and tell the police that you did it, okay? Yeah, I can't do this.
Okay, I'm tapping in.
Watch and learn.
Believe me, this works.
Sydney Hi, boo.
I take this trick, and we've made our contract.
Harry, could you help me with something in the kitchen, please? What is it? I forgot to bring out the mini quiches.
Oh.
Oh, I do love a tiny food.
Are they ham? Spinach? Ham and spinach? There are no quiches, Harry.
I think Lenore and Dick are cheating.
- (WHISPERS): On each other? - No.
On us.
Lenore kicked me under the table.
I think she was trying to give Dick a signal.
They're cheating, Harry.
There you go again, seeing the bad and assuming the worst.
Then you tell me, Mr.
Sunshine, why is she kicking? Maybe she has restless legs syndrome.
It's a very misunderstood ailment.
Your leg shakes what's to understand? Harry, I'm not gonna let her kick.
I'm gonna block her.
- Judy, they're not cheating.
- (SIGHS) You've had it out for Lenore ever since she showed up in the same outfit as you at the Sherman's costume party in '93.
She knew I was going as Murphy Brown! Look, I know I've only been with you for a month now, but I can't even put into words how much fun I've had.
Me, too.
(GIGGLES) But, it's also been hard.
- Now, you see what I did there? - I mean, yeah, that is good.
I like that.
Because I've seen firsthand how amazing and beautiful and full of life you are.
I get most of that from my gam-gam.
But I've realized I can't keep up.
And the longer we stay together, the longer I'm preventing you from meeting the man you're supposed to spend your life with.
Okay.
Okay, let's break up.
Um but can we have sex one more time before I hit the road? Uh, uh bad time? LUKE: Okay, okay.
I think I got it.
I'm gonna go talk to Sydney.
I'm just gonna pretend there's a little you inside me.
I heard it and I stand by it.
- Good luck.
You got this, Luke.
- Get it, brother.
Josh, I need some advice about a present for Eve.
But, um, why don't you knock on the wall when you two are done banging? Ah! I think we're gonna win this one, Dick.
(SINGSONGY): I'm sure you do.
Judy, I need a break.
Anybody care for another daiquiri? Harry, my boy, I'll take anything you want to pour down my throat.
(YAWNS) Oh, look, there's that low angle again.
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me, I didn't sleep well last night.
Yeah, Lenore's got that restless legs syndrome.
Really? Restless legs syndrome? Did you hear that, Judy? Just blend the drinks, Harry.
Yeah, 'cause I'm getting restless glass syndrome.
- You got it, Dick.
- (BLENDER WHIRS, STOPS) Oh.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- HARRY: Oh I must have blown the circuit.
I'll go flip the fuse.
- Mm-hmm.
- (LOUD CLATTERING) HARRY: Ow! Talk about things that go bump in the night.
(LAUGHS) HARRY: (LAUGHS) Ah, Dick, - you crack me ow! - (CLATTERING) And now, I want to be thoughtful and surprise Eve with a really sweet gift that I think of.
So, can you think of anything? Hold up, hold up.
Wh-Wh-What was the gift that she gave you? Wyatt's handprints and a note that said, "I love you, Daddy.
" - Aw - Aw That's exactly the reaction I want when I give her the gift.
How do I get an "aw"? All right, you got to go sentimental, bro.
Like, one time, for Kim, I rented a hot air balloon and And you got divorced.
Pass.
Okay, okay, well, you might not know this about me, but I'm a bit of crooner.
And that makes the ladies swoon.
When I lick up on your shoulder Okay, okay.
I got to go, 'cause that makes me very uncomfortable.
But, it also gave me a very good idea.
Thank you, boys.
Wow.
We are giving romantic advice left and right tonight, boy.
Mm.
We should start a business.
We are very good at this.
- Heck yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, that couldn't have gone worse.
And yet another blow to the small business owner.
What happened? I was honest, using your words, and she said it didn't sound like me.
And then I panicked, told her they were your words.
Why would you do that? Don't yell at me.
We could've avoided all this if you had let me lie to her like a regular man.
(SIGHS) Okay, so, now what? Well, now she's real mad.
We're both kicked out of spin class.
Okay, I'm gonna go catch her and comfort her because she's a human being and I want us back in that class.
Come on, Andrew! Dinner's ready! Before we eat, I have a little anniversary surprise for you.
You do? I do, and I think you're going to enjoy it.
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING SMOOTH JAZZ) - Do I know this song? - I should hope so since you're sleeping with the guy playing the saxophone.
(GASPS) This is you? It's a recording of the show my band played at the bar on the night I asked you out.
No way.
At the Halloween party.
ANDREW (ON RECORDING): Thank you! Happy Halloween! We are Jazz-Ma-Cadabra! You remember that night? Yeah.
It was hilarious.
(LAUGHING) Come on, let's eat.
- HARRY: I got it! Ow! - (LOUD THUMPING) Yay! - And Harry said, "Let there be light.
" - (HARRY LAUGHS) All right, now we can get back to where Wait a minute! Dick's dummy hand is different than it was before the lights went out.
What are you talking about? There were four hearts before the lights went out, and now there are five hearts.
So? So (CHUCKLES) I am a woman of integrity, much like '90s icon Murphy Brown.
Judy, please.
She added a heart.
Under cover of darkness, she added a heart.
I did not! Oh, you are a cheater and I've always known it.
And that's how you've beaten us nine times in a row.
I think I'm having chest pains.
That kick under the table, that wasn't restless legs syndrome.
We don't even play for money why would I be cheating? I don't know, you tell me.
- Now I feel it in my jaw.
- Honey, - are you okay? - Nice.
Now you have Dick faking a heart attack to cover your crimes against humanity? I'm not faking.
He doesn't look good, Judy.
Oh, someone call 911! Okay, I'll go get Andrew.
But just to be clear, I still think he's faking but it's a convenient way to remind you that my son is a doctor.
Sydney, Sydney, wait.
- What? - I can see that you're angry I'm so angry, I'm considering eating a burger.
With bun.
Okay, but you can't kick us both out of class.
- Why the hell not? - Because it's the only exercise I've ever loved, and I'm 40, and there are just certain parts - that are harder to keep toned.
- Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you helped your friend break up with me.
Sydney, you have to let me back in your class.
Give me one good reason.
I'm dying.
Dick, how are you feeling? Talk to me.
I can't breathe, and I feel like there's a massive weight on my chest.
It's called guilt, from all your years of cheating.
All right, I'm gonna listen to your heart No, no, that's okay I'm feeling better.
- No, no, no No, that's - (JUDY GASPS) You were cheating! (GROANING): Oh, now I'm feeling worse.
Oh, knock it off, Dick the jig is up.
- All right.
I guess we should go, then.
- Yeah.
Just for that, I'm sending you a bill.
(CHUCKLES): Guess this joker's leaving the deck.
Not funny anymore, Dick.
(DOOR CLOSES) I owe you an apology, Judy.
You're right I do only see the good in people.
And you have since the first moment I met you.
At that diner in Yonkers.
Mm-hmm.
That waitress said you only gave her a five, but you'd given her a ten.
- I believed her.
- And I didn't.
I'll never forget how you looked that night.
Me, either.
You in that velvet blazer and the Beatles haircut, your dark sunglasses.
HARRY: You ordered a strawberry milkshake, and "Twist and Shout" was playing on the jukebox.
- Aw - Aw You guys just gave me an idea.
(BAG ZIPS) A good idea! Yeah.
Huh.
I don't usually leave here happier than when I came in.
We are back in the spin class! (WHOOPS) Hey! And I got you a bike, too.
Aw, thanks, man.
But I'm strictly a Zumba guy.
LUKE: I can't believe you got us back in how'd you do it? Well, remember when I said, "Don't lie"? I lied.
What'd you tell her? Well, let's just say I have six months to a year to find a new class.
- Mm.
- Hey, you know what? This is a big moment for our friendship.
We made it through our first breakup.
Yeah, we did.
Proud of us.
- Me, too.
- Mm-hmm! Look at us just three single guys.
(CHUCKLES): Yup.
All alone.
Yep.
I suddenly feel kind of sad.
Want to eat your feelings away? - I'm gonna order some more wings.
- There it is.
You ready for your anniversary surprise? - I literally cannot wait.
- All right, don't you laugh.
I'm feeling a little self-conscious.
Ooh.
Are you gonna strip for me? (SAXOPHONE PLAYING SMOOTH JAZZ) (LAUGHING): Oh, my Oh, my God! You look exactly the way you looked the night we first met.
(LAUGHS): I know, and you still fell in love with me.
Why are you doing this? I wanted to recreate the best night of my life, the night I met you.
Oh Yes.
There it is.
I told you we didn't waste money on those lessons.
Uh, bad time? Aw, there's no such thing.
We brought anniversary cake.
You can keep playing you won't bother us.
- Yeah.
- EVE: Okay.
This doesn't ruin your "aw," does it? No.
Nothing ever could.
- Awesome.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Captioned by Media La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home?