9JKL (2017) s01e13 Episode Script

Heavy Meddling

1 I love breakfast.
It's my favorite meal.
Although, then lunch comes along, and it gives it a real run for its money.
Andrew, you've barely eaten anything.
Are you sick? Eve and I have a black-tie event tonight and I'm eating light so I can fit in my old tux.
Your wedding tux? Prom tux.
I'm going for it.
(LAUGHS) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, that's probably Helen from 4G.
Josh, would you get rid of her for me? Yeah, sure.
I thought you liked Helen.
Well, I do, but lately she's been - so opinionated and dramatic.
- So are you.
Well, yes, but there's only room for one of us in this building.
Oh, Josh.
Oh, my God, Lauren Harris.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I haven't seen you since - Camp Meskota.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
I'd give you a proper Meskota greeting, but looking back, that whole war-dance bit may have been a little culturally insensitive.
Yeah, well, only to the actual Meskotas, - who did live across the lake.
- Right.
- (LAUGHS) - You got your braces off.
Yeah, well, when I was 13 and then again at 25.
Wear your retainer, folks.
- (LAUGHS) - And your acne cleared up.
Yeah, when I was 14.
Then again when I was 31.
It was a stressful year for me.
I forgot about your pimple years.
Mom, you must have a photo of that.
This could be a holiday card contender.
- (LAUGHS SNIDELY) - Anyway, I'm sorry to interrupt.
My mom wanted me to return your book.
Oh, thank you, darling.
You want to stay for breakfast? We've got eggs and Nope.
I finished all the eggs.
Well, we've got bagels.
No, we do not.
- All right, we've got nothing.
- (CHUCKLES) So, how you been? I'm good.
Well, I I got a divorce.
- So did I.
- JUDY: Well, thanks for bringing back the book, dear.
Give your mother my love.
I will.
It was nice to see you all.
Great to see you, too.
Uh, Mom, since I've moved back to New York, you have set me up with Beefy Barbara and Cross-Eyed Marie, but that girl slipped your mind? Well, after Curvy Barbara and Optically Unique Marie, you banned me from meddling in your love life and made me promise never to set you up again.
Yeah, well, in this case, I'll make an exception.
Can you get me Lauren's number? I don't know, Josh.
I hate breaking a promise.
- Mom.
- Sure, I'll call Myra.
Thank you.
(LAUGHS) I found it.
Oh, Josh's ninth grade photo.
It's worse than I remembered.
(LAUGHS) It's like he shoved his head into a beehive.
Yeah? Well, at least my face is in the picture, not cut off 'cause I'm weirdly 20 feet tall.
(CHUCKLES) Myra, it's Judy.
Phase one is complete.
The birds are in the nest.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Judy, we need your help.
(GASPS) Those are my five favorite words.
ANDREW: Our babysitter just bailed.
We need you to watch Wyatt.
Is that how we ask for things? Mom, could you please watch Wyatt this evening? I can't.
I have plans.
Why'd you make me ask again? Oh, there's never a wrong time to work on your manners.
I'm sorry, but my friend, Irene Fishman and I are going to a lecture called "Learning to Love Yourself after 70.
" Like emotionally? No, sexually.
And now I need to take my brain to be dry-cleaned.
You're awfully squeamish for a doctor.
I'm a human first.
We are so screwed.
We have to leave in a half an hour and no one can watch Wyatt.
I can watch Wyatt.
I'd love to spend some one-on-one time with my grandson.
Oh, wow.
Uh, that would be an interesting thing to try for the first time ever.
Andrew, you want to take this one? I'm on it, babe.
That'd be great, Dad, thank you.
Oh, wonderful.
I'd better make some coffee if I'm pulling a nine o'clocker.
Andrew, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with your father watching Wyatt alone.
He watches him all the time.
Yeah, with your mother, not by himself.
I mean, we're talking about a guy who once fell asleep on a ten-minute drive to Home Depot.
What's wrong with an older man taking a little cat nap? He was the one driving.
Well, this is different, okay? He can handle a little babysitting.
Do you think the baby would enjoy some peanut brittle? Uh, he has no teeth and he's allergic to nuts.
So is that a no? All right, we're gonna walk him through the entire bedtime routine.
It'll be fine.
- After you.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, I I thought you said you had a view of the park? - ing lot.
- (CHUCKLES) I, uh, might've purposely trailed off so you'd come up.
Oh, well, I'm glad I did.
I love it.
I also really love this jacket.
Hang on.
Oh, yeah, I knew it.
- It's from my favorite store.
- Oh, really? Oh, Myra, it's working.
They're literally tearing each other's clothes off.
I'm gonna go in and seal the deal.
Oh, hello.
I didn't know you two were out here.
The heat in my apartment won't shut off.
I had to cool it off a little bit.
Hi, Judy.
Hi, darling.
Good to see you.
Well, you two have fun.
Not too much, though.
Only if you want to.
I none of my business.
I'm just leaving now.
JOSH: Okay.
Sorry about that.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I love this music.
It reminds me of when I lived in Italy.
You lived in Italy? That's so crazy.
I've been learning Italian.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) Well, I have the CDs but haven't actually started yet.
Well, do you at least know how to say "Kiss me"? No, I literally haven't listened to a single oh.
Myra, it's Judy.
It's done.
God, we're good.
(SOFTLY): All right, Harry.
So, we've already fed and bathed Wyatt.
Now, all you need to do is What? I could barely hear you.
(SOFTLY): Dad, Dad, Dad, this this close to bedtime, we try to use a quiet, soothing voice.
Got it.
You want me to talk like this? - That's the exact same volume.
- Oh.
So, like this? Literally no change whatsoever.
Anyway, uh, before we put him down, we change his diaper.
Eve, I raised two children.
I know what I'm doing.
Yeah, Eve, he raised two children.
That was when kids didn't wear bike helmets and driving drunk was considered a smart way to save money on a cab.
Just give him a chance.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Um, the diapers are located in that cabinet.
Right over there.
It's jammed.
Oh, no, that's just the baby lock.
Moving on.
After we change his diaper Wait, I want to write this down.
I know how particular the two of you are about his routine.
That is a great idea, Dad.
See, honey? He wants to write it down.
HARRY: Well, hold on.
It's telling me to do something called an "OS software update".
Oop, now I've opened the camera.
Ooh, I need to trim my nose hairs.
- Uh, I I'm gonna do the update.
- Well, while we're waiting, can we let Wyatt play with my marble collection? (SIGHS) You know what, Dad? Ugh.
I'm suddenly I'm I'm not feeling very well.
We're not gonna need you to babysit, after all.
Oh, that's too bad.
I was really looking forward to it.
Well, let me just say good night to Wyatt.
- Good night, Wyatt! - Aah (WYATT CRIES) Guys, I've asked you to get anything you need from the Costco closet by 10:00.
I mean, what if I brought a girl home? (LAUGHS) You see, this is why I love shopping here.
The employees are so funny.
(LAUGHS) You're annoying.
And I just had a great second date with Lauren.
Knock, knock.
Saying it is not the same as doing it.
Fine, I won't say it anymore.
I know it's after 10:00, but I need a new jar of face cream.
And I'm having a yen for sesame sticks.
You didn't come to interrogate Josh about his date with your friend's daughter? Andrew, what's meant to be will be.
I have no control over these things.
That is so respectful and unlike you in every way.
What gives? She's keeping her promise, which I appreciate.
And for your information, Mom, things with Lauren are going great, without your involvement.
Well, you're welcome.
Well, I can't wait to meet her.
She's excited to hang out with you guys.
Hey, you want to come out with us Friday night? - Yeah.
I like that idea.
- Yeah.
We can play What Does This Woman See in You? And I can babysit Wyatt.
You and Judy? Oh, no.
Friday is the second part of my lecture series, "Pleasing Your Partner".
And as her partner, I don't want her to miss that.
You know, growing up, my favorite person in the world was my grandfather.
And I'm so grateful to have the chance to have the same kind of relationship with Wyatt.
Oh, Dad, so here's the thing Of course you can babysit, Harry.
Was that the grandfather who taught you to smoke and gave you your first beer? Best ninth birthday ever.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Coming.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Damn, someone spent some extra time on the hair this morning, and it's paying dividends.
Oh, thank you, I oh, you're talking to Andrew, aren't you? - Yes.
- Of course he was.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
All right, listen up.
My dad thinks he's here to babysit Wyatt and you're here to fix the cabinet, but really you're here to babysit them both.
I don't follow.
Should I stay in the bathroom during Wyatt's bath or does the little guy like his privacy? Okay, yup.
No, now I follow.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
You are so normal and cool.
Be honest.
Is this Josh's Make-A-Wish? (LAUGHTER) You ever instantly regret agreeing to a double date? - (LAUGHTER) - ANDREW: Hey.
Judy must be so happy you guys are hitting it off.
You know, she's acting like she doesn't care, but she's obviously thrilled.
The only thing Mom must not like is that she can't exactly take credit for setting us up.
ANDREW: Oh, Mom loves her credit.
She's always reminding me that I got my hair from her.
But it doesn't matter where I got my hair.
What's important is what I do with it.
Well, she can't take credit for us, which is why she has issues with me.
Well, that's not the only reason.
There can be no other reason because you're perfect.
- (CHUCKLES) - JOSH: Anyway, should we get another bottle? Oh, none for me, thanks.
I'm going rock climbing early tomorrow morning.
Hey, do you want to come? It's this amazing new indoor gym called Boulder City.
Okay, this is crazy.
I was just telling my mother I wanted to go there.
Oh, well, my mom just gave me free passes.
- That's so weird.
- (LAUGHING): Oh - What? - Ah Think about it, dummy.
You tell Mom you want to go to that place, and her mom just happened to give her passes.
Well, that could be a coincidence.
Yeah, though now that I think about it, my mother was crazy adamant that I return that book between 9:00 and 9:30.
Which is exactly when my mother insisted I come over for breakfast.
And that jacket I was wearing from your favorite store? She gave it to me last week.
Mom still buys you clothes? That's so lame, a and unfair.
Oh, my God.
She's the one who bought me those Rosetta Stone "Learn Italian" CDs.
And then she played the music, which reminded me - of living in Italy, which - Which led to our first kiss.
Dudes, you have been mom-nipulated.
(GROANS) Well, what's the difference how you got here? You guys obviously like each other.
- That's not the point.
- That's not the point.
Then what is? That my mother said she wouldn't meddle, and she's meddled more than she's ever meddled.
What do you suppose their next move is gonna be? I think the real question is: what's our next move? - What do you mean? - I mean, how about we have a little fun with them? Exact a little revenge? Ooh, now we're talking.
Ooh, should you get me pregnant? (LAUGHTER) Don't be crazy, they would love that.
- Oh, right.
- (LAUGHS) Don't be crazy, they would love that.
Oh, thank God you are here.
You have no idea what I have been through tonight.
I am straight-up frazzled.
Did Wyatt give you problems? Oh, not Wyatt.
Your dad.
First, he burnt the milk.
Then, he burnt his finger on the milk.
Then, he burnt his tongue licking the burnt milk off his burnt finger.
All I'm hearing is that my father-in-law tasted my breast milk.
Look, your dad is like a giant toddler on steroids, eating everything in front of him, breaking things, having a fit when you won't watch his show he wants to watch oh, and then there's the actual baby.
It has been nothing but mayhem in here.
Well, it seems quiet now.
Oh, yeah, well, once I swaddled him, then he finally fell asleep.
- Wyatt? - Mm-mm.
Knock, knock.
See, I don't mind if you just say it.
Ma, I have something really exciting to tell you.
I think Lauren's the one.
(GASPS) I want a spring wedding.
Of course, it's none of my business.
Oh, God, it's gonna be the happiest day of my life.
Of your life.
Of our life.
(LAUGHS) I want to move in with her right away.
Of course you do.
When you know, you know.
That's right, and here's the best part - Yeah.
- We're moving to London.
London, New York? London, England.
Lauren got an incredible job offer, and I'm gonna do theater.
We're leaving this Friday.
Friday? I agree, it's fast, but like you just said, when you know, you know.
Oh, so this is the time you decide to start listening to me? Everything just feels so right.
I mean, think about it.
If I hadn't been at your place for breakfast, or i if Myra had just decided to return that book herself, I wouldn't have reconnected with Lauren and be moving halfway across the world.
God, isn't fate funny? (CHUCKLING): Oh.
She fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Let me know how it goes with your mom.
Josh is moving to London? I'll tell you something, Nick.
This is the first time I've ever considered spanking one of my children.
You know, it's moments like this, it's good Ernesto keeps wine under the desk.
Myra and I are beside ourselves.
Talk about a colossal backfire.
You want red or white? Do you have rosé? You know I do, Mama Bear, you know I do.
Shame on me for creating such a perfect union.
Shame on me for opening myself to Josh like I have.
You know what I said? I said, "Nick, you're gonna get hurt again," and you know what? I was right.
So was I.
It's my curse.
Sure, I'm an amazing matchmaker, but at what cost? I mean, just today, Josh invited me to a Knicks game next Sunday.
And I got happy and excited Wait a minute.
He's going to London on Friday.
Why would he invite you to a game Sunday? 'Cause he's a good man, and now he's moving to London and oh, my damn, Mrs.
Roberts, he lied to you.
Oh, my damn, indeed.
Nick, it seems I am being played.
You know what happens to people who play me? What? I don't know.
No one's ever had the balls to do it before.
All right, I just put Wyatt down, and he should be asleep soon.
All right.
Sex and then Netflix, or Netflix and then sex? Both at the same time? - Yeah, I love that.
Uh, can I talk to you guys? Of course, Harry.
I've been thinking about last night, and I I realized something.
That when swaddled tight enough, you can sleep for 16 hours straight on someone else's couch? That you guys don't think I'm a good babysitter.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) What? That's Andrew.
(SIGHS) Dad.
You're a fantastic babysitter.
You can watch him any time.
Uh, no, I know why Nick was here.
And as much as I want to spend time with Wyatt, no I'll just wait till he's nine and take him out for a beer.
Sounds good, Dad.
(QUIETLY): We'll deal with it then.
I'm gonna go and give him a kiss good night.
Now I feel bad.
Yeah, me, too.
- Should we go? - Yeah, we we better.
Oh, wait.
What? He just wants to kiss Wyatt good night.
And he did raise you just fine.
Mm, he dropped me once, but other than that, pretty solid.
So we should trust him.
All right.
Enough to watch on the monitor.
Yeah, okay.
HARRY: My grandfather used to take me on the train to Prospect Park in Brooklyn, where we would eat snow cones and go fishing for trout.
That's so sweet.
And someday I'm gonna take you there.
It's now a popular spot for homeless people to bathe.
But still fun.
(LAUGHS) You're a great kid.
Even if your parents are totally neurotic.
Don't worry.
You'll be able to handle them a lot easier when you grow up, and I introduce you to a fun little treat called marijuana.
Just kidding, you two.
I know you're listening.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Okay, right this way.
Mom? What's going on? Oh, don't mind us, Sanjay's just here to look at the apartment.
I'm sorry, Sanjay.
I didn't realize the current tenant would be here.
This apartment? My apartment? Um, what is happening? Well, since you two are moving to London on Friday, I wanted to get a jump on renting the place.
Is this a bad time? Oh, it's a perfect time.
Take a look at this spacious chef's kitchen.
She really thinks we're moving.
I don't think she does.
I think she's calling our bluff.
And you know what? I'm gonna call hers.
I'm gonna try to find my underwear.
Sanjay, I have to tell you something.
And what is that? You'd be very happy in this apartment.
Huh? I think I found 'em! What's wrong, Mom? Not a thing.
I also think that Sanjay would be happy here.
So what do you say, Sanjay? I'll take it.
You hear that, Josh? He'll take it.
I did hear that.
Great news, Lauren.
Sanjay's moving in.
So now what, Mom? Now he signs the lease.
Like you prepared an actual - Here you go.
- You prepared a lease? Uh-huh.
Um, what's happening? What's happening is the apartment's not available.
(LAUGHS) That's right.
The apartment is not available, is it? Took the day off work to come here.
I got 'em.
And I'm gonna go put them on in the bathroom.
Sorry about this.
Used to it.
Same brand of mother.
Why'd you say you were moving to London? Because you pretended you had nothing to do with this, when, actually, the whole time, you were Helping.
Josh, I just want you to find the right girl.
I know you do, and I like Lauren, but it's never gonna work unless you back off and give us some space.
You're right.
From now on, I'm gonna mind my own business.
You've said that before.
Well, this time I give you my word.
You gave me your word last time.
Well, this time I swear.
You swore last time.
Josh, no matter what I say, we both know I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do.
Well, you're nothing if not consistent.
And you are a worthy adversary.
I can't believe you actually brought someone here to rent my apartment.
(LAUGHING): I know, right? - Yeah.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, that's my next showing.
Good morning.
Thank you.
This is nice.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
So how long do you think we have before Lucy and Ethel barge in? (LAUGHS) Maybe an hour? Good morning, lovebirds.
We brought breakfast in bed.
And while we're here, let's talk wedding.
I'll be wearing white.
That's non-negotiable.
Well, it was really nice trying this with you.
You know, I think I'm actually gonna move to London.
Good call.