9JKL (2017) s01e15 Episode Script

Stalker Status

How about my son tells me all about his latest accomplishment? Well, I saved yet another man's life the other day Bup, bup, bup! One at a time.
Josh? Tell us about that part you got offered.
Oh, God, it was nothing, just a stupid commercial.
Oh, if it's the one with the talking duck, I'll die a happy man.
It's not.
It's for a diarrhea medication.
Please take it.
I ask you for so very little.
I am obviously not taking it.
No, I haven't worked in a while, but things are not diarrhea bad.
You know, I just read that Mark Ruffalo dropped out of a play called All Together Now.
They're looking for a replacement.
You should do it.
It's on Broadway.
The prime rib of theater.
Mom, just 'cause Mark Ruffalo's out doesn't mean they're gonna give me the part.
Oh, if you were on Broadway, that would shut up that Evelyn Thomas.
Ugh, always bragging about her son and his global orphanage program.
Mom, Craig Thomas was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Oh, Andrew, you sound just like his mother.
Come on, Andrew, Wyatt's asleep, and I'm ready to watch.
What are you two watching? Oh, it's this amazing new reality show called We All Live in a Barn.
They have farm-related competitions and then vote to see who gets "put out to pasture.
" Yeah, it's like Big Brother, - but easier to follow and more hay.
- Yeah.
BOTH: Hey! - Something we do.
- That's something we do when we watch the show.
Oh.
No, no, we understand, it's just, you're both doctors.
It does sound a little bit Completely stupid.
It's a study of human behavior.
Yeah, plus, sometimes they have to wrestle in pig slop.
BOTH: Sloppy seconds! - It's the thing - That's another thing we do when we I see.
Well, bye! That's something I do when I want people to leave.
Ooh, all right.
[UPBEAT BANJO MELODY PLAYING] God, my family ruins everything.
[MUSIC STOPS] I think maybe we should do something a little more productive with our time.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean between the two of us, there's 16 years of higher education.
Maybe we should, like, get our PhDs or become docents at a museum.
Or we could start small.
Like, read a book and then discuss it.
A book does sound more doable.
Plus, I'm not entirely sure what a docent even is.
Someone at the office was talking about The Infinite Wave.
It won all sorts of fancy book awards.
Oh, that's the one they're making into a movie - with Keira Knightley.
- Yes.
She's in all the smart ones.
- Okay, cool.
- Yeah.
So we'll have our own personal book club, like a young, sophisticated married couple.
BOTH: Book club! God, my family really does ruin everything.
Josh Daniel Roberts, is that you?! Oh, God.
It's me, Patty Partridge.
- Remember? - Yeah, I do.
It's hard to forget your stalker.
Number one fan.
[LAUGHS] Oh, boy.
Hey, we sure had some fun back in L.
A.
, didn't we? Yeah, I miss our fun little game of "hide and file a restraining order.
" [LAUGHS] Well, look at you.
Look at you.
You have not aged one day.
Look at that.
- Look at that.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] - Look at that! - Yeah.
It's cool.
It's cool.
Well, I'm gonna go.
Please don't follow me.
Oh, Josh, Josh, you don't think I'm still stalking you, do you? Well, you live in L.
A.
and have my face permanently inked on your body, so a guy has to wonder.
Oh.
Honey, well, don't you worry your handsome little body and size eleven and a half feet, because I didn't come to New York for you, okay? This is just a coincidence.
Yeah, okay.
I believe you.
Bye-bye.
No, no, no, Josh, really, really.
I've moved on.
You won't see me again.
Well, unless you come in for a coffee at Beans-nanza.
In that case, see you never.
- Okay.
- You were going that way.
Oh, sorry, habit.
[LAUGHS] Nick.
This is my stalker.
Do not let her in the building.
You have a stalker? Josh, she looks like the picture of the lady that comes with the frame.
I am telling you, she is obsessed with me and very determined.
Back in L.
A.
, it was a real problem.
Ah! Ahh Oh, thank you.
[SCREAMS] - In your closet? - Uh-huh.
That is a man's private sanctuary.
Look, don't you worry, Josh.
No creepy stalker lady's getting by on my watch.
Thank you.
I just don't get it.
She could stalk anyone in the world.
Okay, you know what All right, man.
Don't listen to him, baby boo, if I was a crazy lady who loved short dudes in bad cop shows, I'd stalk the crap out of you.
Thank you.
ANDREW: "Francisco walked across the footbridg, bracing as the frost of winter hit his cheeks" We should go skiing this winter.
I could grow a beard.
"Francisco walked across the footbridge, bracing as the " Can a surgeon have a beard? None of the other surgeons do.
No, no, Steve has one.
Susan does, too.
"Francisco walked across" God, I hate this book.
How is Eve so into i? EVE: Kill me, kill me, kill me! You know what? I'm just gonna tell Andrew I can't do this.
Hmm But we're supposed to be doing this together, and he's loving it.
ANDREW: Maybe just a mustache.
This is nice.
So nice, book buddy.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] [BOTH SIGH] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS] I didn't make popcorn.
Ah! Moved on, my ass.
I know what you did.
Excuse me.
You're gonna have to be a little more specific because I have done a lot of things to piss off a lot of people.
[CHUCKLES] You broke into my apartment, did my laundry and kissed my poster.
Ooh, that sure sounds like my work, doesn't it? But, sorry, I've been here all day.
Yeah? Well, I don't believe you.
Yeah? Well, you can check with my manager.
I can give you his digits, his address, or his Social Security number.
So it's just a coincidence that I run into you, and then someone was in my apartment doing the things that you used to do? Listen, Josh, I don't know what to tell you, okay? But like I said in the park, I've moved on to another actor.
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Who? Ken Brunt.
[LAUGHS] Don't we make a cute couple? Oh, uh, well, then I stand corrected.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that.
I guess you're Ken Brunt's problem now.
Ken Brunt, though? Really? I mean, he's, like, a poor man's me.
Oh, on the contrary.
Ooh, I could just suck his soul right out of his body, chew it up, and then spit it back in his mouth like a mama bird feeding her young.
[LAUGHS] Okay, well, good luck with that.
Thank you.
I am too reading! Oh, hi, Harry.
It's just you.
I get that a lot.
Would you like a melon? There was a sale.
No, thank you.
It's about as ripe as they get, and you can't find Okay, thank you, thank you.
Ooh! Ooh! I love The Infinite Wave! Have you gotten to the part where Francisco turns 200 years old and sets sail across the sea? Oh, God, he lives for 200 years? And beyond that.
Wait till you get to chapter 52.
It's in Spanish.
So you know this book pretty well? Well, it made the Harry Roberts top ten of 2017, but you already know that, - it was in my newsletter.
- Right.
Would you mind telling me everything about it? Well, my favorite part is Hold that thought.
I want to grab a pen and paper - for no particular reason.
- Sure.
Did you bring the money? Did you read the book? Finished my report this morning.
Then why are you late? Sorry, had a playdate.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I solved the mystery of who was in your apartment.
- You did? - Yup.
And as you know, I consider myself a bit of a detective.
I did not know that.
Well, I am.
I got something to show you.
Check out the security footage.
JOSH: There are cameras in the hallways? Mm-hmm.
I've seen you steal your dad's newspapers.
Shame on you.
Never send a paper bag to do a plastic bag's job, right? Can we fast-forward to the relevant part? Excuse me for trying to lighten up the mood.
- My mother, of course.
- Mm-hmm.
JOSH: And there she is again, and again and again.
Your mama love you.
Yes.
12 times? You came into my apartment 12 times in one day.
Yeah, that adds up.
I did my yoga.
I made some popcorn, watched a movie.
Did your laundry.
You know, the usual.
You kissed my poster? Well, sure, when you say it like that it sounds weird.
Oh, and I ironed your blue shirt, the one that makes your eyes pop, so you can wear it to your audition for All Together Now.
I'm not auditioning for All Together Now, Mom.
Why, darling? You were born to be on Broadway.
I wanted you to be born on Broadway, but the hospital wouldn't let me leave.
I'm sorry, Mom, but Broadway's just not where my career is at right now.
And where might that be? At a diarrhea commercial.
I mean, let's just say the fact that my stalker has moved on to Ken Brunt has given me a bit of a reality check.
Your stalker? Patty Partridge? The one and only.
I mean, God, she used to sleep in my Dumpster to find out what I had for breakfast.
Now she won't even give me a free refill at Beans-nanza.
They have to give you a free refill.
It's store policy.
And who the hell is Ken Brunt? Exactly, Mom.
Exactly.
Hey, Patty.
Can we talk? Wow, two visits in 12 hours.
[CHUCKLES] Creepy.
It's just Ken Brunt? I mean, I've seen the guy's work and he's, you know Just kind of feels like a step down.
Josh, let's not do this.
Okay? I mean, Paul Rudd, sure.
Jason Bateman, I get it.
But Ken Brunt? What makes him so special? Well, for starters, he's got that-that tight little ass, that when you slap it, he doesn't even wake up.
And of course his stardom is on the rise.
So, he's got that, he's got that fire in his eyes, you know? Like, like like the kind you used to have.
You don't you don't think I have fire in my eyes anymore? Look, Josh, we had a good thing, okay, but it ran its course.
Okay? But, hey, we'll always have that romantic weekend getaway in Palm Springs with your wife.
Wait a second, you were there? [LAUGHS] What an adorable little question.
Josh, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? I don't know.
You just seem kind of hurt.
Of course I'm not hurt.
[SCOFFS] That would make me the crazy one.
[LAUGHS] Okay, Wyatt's down.
Ready to do this? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
We're about to book-club so hard.
[CHUCKLES] [EXHALES] So - The Infinite Wave.
- Mm-hmm.
Loved it.
Really? Yeah, huh.
Yeah, it was so derivative.
Derivative of what? I'm glad you asked.
The Japanese author Haruki Murakami comes to mind.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure.
- Mm-hmm.
But didn't you think that Francisco was so romantic? No, he was selfish.
I mean, he fed his ship captain to a whale.
No, the whale was a metaphor.
It was symbolic.
Of what? Of I got to pee.
I'll be right back.
Harry, what does the whale symbolize? Ah, you made it to page seven.
The whale, Harry, the whale.
Okay, the whale symbolizes man's own desire to self-destruct.
Hmm, hmm.
Yeah, I didn't see it that way at all.
How'd you see it? Oh.
Oh, dear.
That's the hospital.
I'm gonna step into the hall because of doctor/patient confidentiality and for no other reason.
You didn't say anything about whale symbolism.
Yes, I did.
It was in my report.
Wait, you didn't even finish that? The Internet has ruined my attention span.
Just tell me what it means.
The whale wasn't symbolic, it was just hungry.
How is your patient? What? Oh, um, uh, dead.
Well, I guess we agree to disagree.
But that was a very spirited and challenging three hours, so, uh So, mission accomplished.
- Hey.
- I feel smart and fulfilled.
- [CHUCKLES] Me, too.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
[BOTH SIGH] So, uh, is this something that you'd be interested in doing again? Please say no, please say no, please say no.
Is it something you'd be interested in doing again? Please say no, please say no, please say no.
Sure.
Cool.
I guess we should pick our next book.
That would be the logical next step.
Should we read the sequel? It's longer.
Okay.
Great.
So, great.
I'm gonna order us two copies.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
Ugh.
I know you wanted to do something meaningful and smart together, but I miss TV.
Me, too! Andrew, I have a confession to make.
- I did not read that book.
- [LAUGHS] Me, neither.
- You didn't? - No! I paid Ian $40 for a book report.
[LAUGHS] I tricked your dad into telling me everything about it.
[LAUGHS] I am just so tired at the end of the day.
I don't want homework.
Oh, me, neither.
I just want to watch people ten years younger than me do stupid competitions and have sex in a chicken coop.
I want the exact same thing.
Please, let's watch We All Live in a Barn.
Nothing would make me happier and there is no one I would rather do it with.
Okay.
[LAUGHS] Oh, and remember, the-the spinoff premieres tonight.
- We All Live in a Barn: Miami.
- Miami! [CHUCKLES] Ah.
[UPBEAT BANJO MELODY PLAYS] Stupid Ken Brunt, you do have fire in your eyes.
Joshua, you are better than diarrhea.
What? You're not gonna take an embarrassing commercial.
You belong on Broadway.
I appreciate that, Mom, but you can't just call up Broadway and say, "Hey, I want to be in your play.
" Ah, give me the number.
I'll do it.
Mom, it's not happening.
How can you know it's not happening if you don't try? I don't want to try because I don't want to find out they're not interested.
Oh.
I see what's happening here.
All right.
- Come on.
Get up.
- What? Get up.
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
What are you what are you doing? We're going to do [SNIFFLES] - a trust fall.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, yes, we are.
- Why? - Just trust me.
- Mom, I'm too heavy.
You can't catch me.
Oh, well, my aqua-aerobics instructor would beg to differ.
I'm kind of the butch of the class.
Well, I can tell you won't leave until I do it, so fine.
[SIGHS] All right.
Get ready.
Relax.
And trust.
Okay.
Okay.
Ow! God! Why didn't you catch me?! Don't be ridiculous.
I can't catch you.
Those aqua weights are three pounds.
So why'd we do that?! To show you you'd be okay.
You are okay, aren't you? No, that hurt.
But you're okay.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You fell down, but you're okay.
That's life.
You try something, you fail.
Again, I didn't fail.
You didn't catch me.
Sometimes you get banged up, but you get up.
And you keep going.
Not at all the point of trust falls.
No, but But I get your point.
I will call about the play.
Good.
The worst thing they can do is say no.
And who knows? Maybe they'll say yes.
If they know what's good for them.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks, Mom.
And, Joshie, remember, you have me, so you'll always have a stalker.
Broadway, baby.
I can't believe you got it.
I know, it's crazy.
I am so excited.
Man, me, too.
I hear Broadway groupies are both smoking and intelligent, so, uh, we got that to look forward to.
[CHUCKLES] We? - Yeah, I'm in.
- Oh, cool.
Yo, isn't that your stalker? It sure is.
I'm back, baby.
Congrats on your new gig.
Sleep with one eye open, my pet.
- And, we're running.
Come on.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Come on.
Go.