9JKL (2017) s01e16 Episode Script

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1 Ah, what's up, Josh? Hey, Nick.
How was play practice? Rehearsal.
We call it rehearsal.
And what do you do in rehearsal? Practice.
Opening night's in two days, baby.
You feel good? I do.
I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna be on Broadway.
Oh, bro, you can't say it like that.
You got to do something with your hands, you know? - Like, Broadway.
- Ah.
Wow, you're pretty good at that.
Yeah, you know, I kind of find it spices up most things.
You know, it's actually how I told the residents that we had bedbugs.
(CHUCKLES) You know, I got to admit, for the first time since I moved back from L.
, I'm really excited about my future.
You know what, let's just keep that as my thing.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay, yeah, that'll be your thing.
At this point, it'd be weird to walk into my apartment and not find you here.
Joshua, we love you so very, very much.
We have something to tell you.
It's a very sensitive subject, and Your ex-wife's in New York, be strong.
Can we go now? Wait, what, Kim is in town? How do you know? Daddy saw it on Facebook.
Dad, it's been ten months since my divorce, and you're still Facebook friends with my ex-wife? I feel defriending someone is a real slap in the face.
Plus, I can't figure out how.
Harry, I spent an hour showing you how.
And I enjoyed our time together, but I took nothing from it.
Please, promise me you won't see her.
Yes, Josh, stay away.
Guys, you don't have to worry.
I've moved on.
Oh, that's what you always say.
Maybe before I moved on, but not anymore, because I've moved on.
Keep saying it.
We almost believe you.
It's okay, Josh.
Everyone has that person they're powerless against.
Yeah, mine was Jason Leshay.
He sounds like a real D-bag.
What can I say? I have a type.
Mine was Sheldon Black.
I knew he was bad for me, but I always liked bad boys.
Well, Kim may have been my kryptonite in the past, but time has given me some much-needed perspective, and I've moved on.
- And there's four.
- (GROANS) God, Kim was the worst.
I hated how she was always criticizing you.
That's my thing.
I always knew there'd come a time when she'd come crawling across the country to win you back.
Is getting him back really winning? See? It's my thing.
Look, I'm sure Kim didn't come to New York for me.
No, she didn't.
She's here promoting her new book.
Wait, she wrote another book? Yes, a novel called The Enemy You Know.
"A woman's marriage crumbles "thanks to her husband's dysfunctional family, "headed by his absentminded father and overbearing, controlling mother.
" Wow.
That family sounds horrible.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? I cannot believe Kim wrote a novel about us without asking my permission.
(CHUCKLES) Well, she left you without asking your permission.
This is terrible.
I know, it's a total violation A podiatrist.
Feet? I am a surgeon in real life, and she made.
"Andre" a podiatrist.
That is a huge demotion.
Well, it's better than being "Joan, the passive-aggressive and easily outraged mother-in-law.
" I am outraged.
(GASPS) She said I was pretty.
And she's pretty, so it means more coming from her.
I thought you hated her.
Not anymore.
Maybe we're jumping to conclusions.
These characters aren't necessarily us.
Really? "Harvey, the lawyer father" who's obsessed with vegetables" doesn't ring a bell? It's not me.
Everyone knows I'm a fruit man.
The only vegetable I really like is the tomato.
Tomatoes are a fruit.
What? Well, I'm putting this piece of trash where it belongs: in the garbage.
(GASPS) She said I had great style.
What a writer.
You literally cannot get any lower on the human body.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
Oh, I am loving Kim's book.
- Oh, me, too.
- Yeah, I just feel like I'm learning so much about the Roberts family.
You know, like, before you were a surgeon, did you really want to be a podiatrist? No.
Podiatrists are the creeps of the medical community.
Even proctologists know that.
Well, is it true that, uh you didn't let your dad speak at your own wedding? 'Cause that's cold, man.
- What? - What? Ah, damn, you didn't get to that part yet, did you? Ah, spoiler alert.
My bad.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did she say, exactly? Uh, well, let me see.
Hold on.
Uh, okay.
It was somewhere back here.
Oh, okay.
Uh, 247.
During Andre and Eva's wedding, Andre tells Harvey he can't give a toast because the microphone's broken, but that's a lie.
Okay? Uh, the truth is, he doesn't want his dad to speak on account of him being so long-winded.
Yeah, we know what happened, Nick.
It's Andrew's biggest regret.
(SIGHS) I was just trying to protect the wedding from what we both knew would be a confusing and meandering toast.
Harry wanted to speak after dinner, before dancing.
And that is a critical moment.
People would have left early, and then you're that wedding.
Ah, well, I wouldn't know what you're talking about, 'cause, uh, it's impossible to be that wedding when I'm on your dance floor.
Oh, snap.
Oh, here he goes.
- There he goes.
There he goes.
- Okay, Nick, please.
How is that helping? When Harry finds out what really happened, he's gonna be devastated.
- What are we gonna do? - I-I got no choice.
I got to go over there and come clean to my dad.
No, seriously, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna rip the page out of his book.
Hello, Andrew.
I'm just enjoying my new favorite fruit, the tomato.
What part are you up to in, uh, Kim's book? Andre has just proposed to Eva and taken New York's hottest podiatrist off the market.
(GROANS) Hey, you know, Dad, I could really go for one of those tomatoes.
Coming right up.
I'll bring you a napkin.
These babies are squirters.
Here you go.
Did you just eat a piece of paper? I did.
Yeah, yeah.
- Why? - Mm.
I read in a medical journal recently that, um, paper is high in fiber.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) I just confirmed our dinner reservation at Charlie's for tomorrow night.
Did you know that's where we went after you saw your very first show? Great.
And now we're going there tomorrow night after your Broadway debut.
(CHUCKLES) I just wish Grandma were alive.
Such a bitch.
She could be, but I still loved her.
- No, no, no.
Not Grandma.
- Oh.
Put away that nonsense.
You said you were done with her.
Be done with her.
But the characters in her novel are clearly us, but Kelly, her character, comes off like some kind of hero while Joe and his family are the unreasonable ones.
- She's a terrible person.
- Exactly.
Who didn't deserve to wear your grandmother's ring.
Which is why the one I gave you to give her was a fake.
It was? Yes.
When you find a girl I like, I'll give you the real one.
Oh, and now Joe is too heartless to respond to Kelly's beautifully-written letter? Why are you working yourself up like this? You're right.
I've moved on.
I am putting this behind me.
What is wrong with you? Whoa, Josh.
How did you know where to find me? My dad's Facebook.
He doesn't know how to defriend someone.
And if you're gonna write about me and my family, - least you could do is be truthful.
- Aw.
You read my book? Yeah.
And I was being truthful.
Really? Joe pouted after he didn't win a Golden Globe? You locked yourself in the bathroom for an hour.
I ate bad shrimp.
And what about the letter Kelly wrote to Joe apologizing for being a bad wife and leaving him? - I did write that letter.
- No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
I sent it to New York right after you moved there.
To your parents' apartment.
Haven't you been living there? - No, I've been living next door.
- Well, same thing.
No, it's not.
Why does everyone say that? They are two separate apartments.
Well, I did send the letter, and I don't know what happened to it.
I know exactly what happened to it.
Because I have Joan for a mother.
Oh, God.
Judy strikes again.
It's gonna be fine.
You ate the paper.
Has it worked its way? No.
I guess it's not so high in fiber.
Did I ever show you what Mommy got me for my birthday last year? - What is that? - A Kindle.
A Kindle? Yes.
It's a robot book.
I got to the part about your wedding.
Turns out the microphone wasn't broken.
- (SIGHS) - I am so sorry, Dad.
Yeah, Harry, we're very sorry.
Why didn't you want me to make a speech? It's just that sometimes when you talk, you can kind of meander.
You think I meander? This was the voice mail you left me yesterday.
HARRY: Andrew, it's your dad.
After Josh's show, we're going to dinner at Oh! Will you look at that sunset.
It's an orange purple.
Reminds me of those ice pops you loved as a kid when we went to New Hampshire.
What was that lake called? Lake Winnipesaukee.
No, that's not it.
There's my other sock! Okay, I-it went on for another seven minutes.
I'll make an effort to be more succinct.
I cannot believe my mother didn't give me your letter.
Well, we are talking about the woman who put her married son on Match.
So, what was in that letter? Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Doesn't matter now.
No, it does.
Tell me.
Uh just that I missed you and I made a huge mistake and wanted to give things another shot.
- Really? - Yeah.
And, unfortunately, two nude pics.
Which my mother might have seen.
- Were they tasteful? - They were not.
Then I'm even madder.
Oh, I should probably go yell at her right now.
- I don't want to stand in your way.
- Well, I am glad - we solved this mystery.
- Me, too.
Ah! There he is, Mr.
- Hey, Nick.
- Hey, man, can I get your autograph? Oh, 'cause my play opens tonight? Uh, no, I want to sell your ex-wife's book on eBay.
(SNIFFS) Wait a minute.
Same clothes as yesterday.
Smell of fancy hotel shampoo.
Bounce in your tiny little steps.
Josh, you got some last night! - No, no, no! I did not - Yeah Now, don't you deny it.
You know I got that sexth sense.
- Okay, I spent the night with Kim.
- (GASPS) But keep that between you and me, okay? There are certain people who would not react to this news with the same level of enthusiasm.
- I got you.
- Okay.
Wait, something's different.
You slept with Kim.
Ooh! Yes, Mrs.
R! You got that sexth sense, too! Why didn't you give me the letter Kim sent? I'm sorry, I can't hear you because of my enormous earmuffs.
Oh, you gonna want to stay for this.
Come on.
You had no right to interfere.
I did it for your own good.
No, you did it for your own good.
Well, they're one and the same.
Aw, darling, you were so happy back in New York, and I thought if you saw that letter and those pictures, she would lure you in, like she always did.
Well, it was my decision to make, just like this one was.
- Kim's coming to the show tonight.
- Oh What? - Why? - Because I want her there.
Well, as long as she isn't sitting with us.
- She's not.
- Where is she sitting? You don't like the front row anyway.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Oh, my God.
That's fine.
This is not about me.
It's your opening night.
If you want Kim there, I will suffer in silence, the way I always do, because I am a wonderful marther.
Did you just say "martyr" or "mother"? Yes.
(MUTTERS) Mm, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Sometimes there's an extra bonus scene after the credits.
Aw, damn.
No, they done.
They done.
Harry, I think I've done it this time.
Josh found out that I threw away Kim's letter.
Am I a bad mother, Harry? (SIGHS) This is the part where you say I'm wonderful and perfect and my boys are lucky to have me.
I knew if I didn't, you would.
Harry, what am I supposed to do, just sit back and let Josh make a terrible decision? He's a grown-up.
Let him live his life.
This is the part where you say, "You're right.
I'll respect his wishes.
" That doesn't sound like me at all.
And how great was it when that beautiful and classy woman stood up and started the standing ovation? Yes, Mom.
You did a really good job.
Yeah, I haven't seen someone go "Whoo, whoo, whoo!" in a long time.
(LAUGHS) Hey, guys! Come on in! Oh, you were awesome! Aw.
Oh, Joshie.
Oh, darling, you were incredible! Yeah, bro, I can't even think of anything snarky to say.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, uh, Ma, I think I got a little of my makeup on you.
My brother just got makeup on my mother.
Uh, put a pin in that one.
- (SIGHS) What an amazing night.
- I know.
- It really is.
- Yes.
All my dreams are coming true.
Hello Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mwah, you were amazing.
- Oh, thank you for the flowers.
- They're beautiful.
- Hi, Kim! (CHUCKLES) You look pretty.
Aw, thanks, Eve.
How do I look? - Pretty.
- Aw! Thank you! (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Well, anyway, I know you guys have a big dinner to get to, so see you tomorrow? Okay.
Nice to see you.
- Bye, Kim.
- Uh, wait.
Kim, it was wrong of me not to show your letter to Josh.
I was out of line, and I apologize.
What is happening? Is Mom dying? Thank you, Judy.
And you'd be more than welcome to join us for dinner.
Are we all dying? Uh, that would be great.
Thanks, Mom.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Hey, Judy, since you're in an apologetic mood Oh, lightning doesn't strike twice, darling.
I just want to say, this is such a great night for me, and I am so happy to be able to share it with everyone at this table.
- EVE: Aw, cheers.
- Cheers.
To you, sweetheart.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So, what are we getting? Oh, let's order a bunch of stuff, family-style.
- Yeah.
- I'd actually rather do my own thing.
Well, that works, too.
Wait, that's an option? For years, I've been eating whatever your mother tells me to.
I used to be a vegetarian.
Dad, how 'bout we do the old rib eye for two? No.
All right, point taken, okay? I feel horrible.
I never should have stopped you - from giving your wedding speech.
- Yeah, I bet it would've been great.
- Do you mean that? - Yes.
And I wish we could go back in time so you could Wh-Why are you standing up and clinking your glass? I remember every word.
Buckle up, everyone.
Hello, everybody.
First, I'd like to apologize to whoever drives a black Prius.
I thought those dents would pop right out, but I only made them worse.
(LAUGHTER) When Andrew first introduced us to Eve, I thought she was a tiny man.
And I was okay with it.
I just want my kids to be happy.
But then I learned what a caring, supportive, brilliant little man you are.
(CHUCKLES) I guess what I'm trying to say is there's nothing more important than family.
When I looked at Judy for the first time, - she felt like family.
- (CHUCKLES) And, Eve, the first time I met you, you felt that way, too.
You fit perfectly into the crazy Roberts clan.
And Judy and I couldn't be more thrilled that you are officially part of it.
Here's to the happy couple.
- Aw.
- (JUDY CHUCKLES) Harry, that was so sweet.
JUDY: Darling.
- Wow.
That just kept going.
That was a really beautiful speech.
Hey, let's skip dessert.
We've already done the family thing.
Let's go back to the hotel and do the "you and me" thing.
You don't fit into this family.
Thank you.
No, you see, that's the thing.
Yes, they can be incredibly invasive and overbearing and all the other things you said about them in your book, but they're my family.
(SCOFFS) You know, for the past year, I've wondered if I made the right choice coming back to them.
And now I know I did.
So, what are you saying? I'm saying we were right to end things when we did.
Well, if you feel that way, I guess I should go.
I think you should.
ALL: Bye! Are you okay? Yeah.
I am.
And you know what? I'm glad you never gave me that letter.
(GASPS) Oh! See? - I am a wonderful marther.
- Yeah.
Did she say "martyr" or "mother"? Yes.
Hello Look what I found in our storage container.
This box is full of things you never gave to us.
- I knew this day would come.
- It wasn't just Kim's letter.
A mixtape from my summer camp girlfriend? I never liked her.
My medical school acceptance letter to Oxford.
Too far.
- My favorite dress.
- Oh.
I thought it was a tiny tablecloth.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Mom, this is not normal behavior.
It's true, Judy.
It's too much.
And it stops now.
You can't run other people's lives for them.
I don't run other people's lives.
I gently guide them toward being the best version of themselves - they can be.
- Well, you have to stop.
Especially when it comes to my love life.
I have had it.
And I'm sick of having this conversation.
All right.
I hear you.
I promise I will stay out of your love life from this moment forward.
Thank you.
Hey, Mr.
Hey, Nick.
How was last night? From a career standpoint, great.
From a relationship standpoint, not so great.
What are you doing in 9M? Oh, just helping your new neighbor move in.
WOMAN: Oh! Hi.
Any chance you love unpacking boxes? You're my new neighbor? Did I hear "new neighbor"? Oh, look at her, Josh.
She's darling.
Ask her if she's single.
You just promised.
Sweetheart, I am who I am.
Hello, I'm Judy.