A.P. Bio (2017) s01e13 Episode Script

Drenching Dallas

1 Okay, start to shut up, everybody.
Here we go.
[GRUNTS] All right, come and get 'em, you dogs.
You are now free to begin learning biology.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC] Yeah, get 'em.
Get 'em.
Yeah, bunch of animals.
[CHUCKLING] You see, my plucky little cherubs, I am outta here.
Yeah, our revenge mission was a success.
Miles is leaving his post at Stanford, and I am to assume my rightful perch atop the philosophy department where my intellect will be worshiped by students that don't dry hump their pillows every night.
Uh, it's my understanding that an academic chair is more admin work than actual student time.
I'll miss you least of all, Scarecrow.
Does this mean we'll get an actual biology teacher? Yes, yes, you're finally gonna be taught by someone who couldn't get into med school.
Can you even? [RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"] One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart Gosh.
Seems like only yesterday we were stumbling our way through our first Miles mission.
[SNIFFS] Ah, so many good ones, you know.
I liked the planting-his-DNA- on-a-dead-body one.
I still walk the Maumee River every morning - looking for a floater.
- Ah, do ya? I certainly enjoyed our online love affair.
He still thinks I'm a 32-year-old named Linda.
[DRUM STICKS TAPPING] [DRUM LINE PLAYING] Colin, will you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me? - Uh-huh.
- Ya pranked! [RIMSHOT] [LAUGHTER] You really think that a drummer would go to a dance with a woodwind? [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] Wow.
Man, they must have rehearsed the crap out of that.
Now who's the chick with the strong sense of self? - Her name's Dallas.
- She's the worst.
- The whole drum corps is.
- One time I yawned, and they threw my mashed potatoes in my mouth.
Now wait a second.
Are you guys saying that the drum corps are the cool kids? - 'Cause that's nuts.
- Well, they're above us on the hierarchy.
The newspaper kids are above them.
I'm not really sure who's at the top, but I'd like to think it's some kind of sex-having athlete.
No, no, no, no, no, look.
Forget the whole food chain/hierarchy thing, okay.
Have you guys absorbed nothing from all the missions that we've done? There's no greater pick-me-up than taking down somebody who's wronged you.
But, Mr.
Griffin [WHISPERS] She has a nose ring.
Forget the nose ring.
Don't be intimidated by that.
That's exactly what she wants.
Now we're gonna get revenge on the drum corps.
That's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna pull you guys off the bottom of that food chain.
Technically, we're above the Russian kids.
Not for long.
They're acclimating fast.
This is a going away video for Jack.
Jack, I've never had the opportunity to say this to you face-to-face, but your penis is clearly visible through your sweatpants.
Okay, have fun in Hollywood.
Wait, what was that? Rewind.
Freeze it.
Do you see that? - Mm-mm.
- Zoom in.
- Okay.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- Is that a ghost? - Zoom in.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
That's crazy, right? We all agree that ghosts aren't real.
- BOTH: Yeah.
- All right.
- Let's just get back to editing.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, good morning, beautiful songbird.
You sound just like the loon that visited our lake house.
- Oh, yeah? - He died last summer.
We're pretty sure that a power line got him.
We found, like, a basket of ribs.
- Like, a charred - Helen, Helen, Helen, I So, get this.
I'm finally leaving Toledo.
- Yeah, I'm free.
- What? You've only been here three little months.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
- Aww.
I once took a nap longer than that.
Of course, I had just slammed into the straight side - of a water ski ramp.
- Uh-huh.
My eyes were open and I was talking, but I was dead.
As I was saying, um, yeah, I'm out of here.
I'm gonna go head the Stanford philosophy department.
- Hey, not too shabby, huh? - [LAUGHS] I know.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH] I'd say you're going to greener pastures, but California is on fire.
- Okay.
- Hey, when you leave, could I please have that big, fancy professor throne? - Professor thro - Oh, my massage chair? - Yes.
- Yeah, sure.
Why not? Yeah, you could you could really stand to relax.
Oh, thank you.
- Hi, Ralph.
At first, I couldn't believe you were leaving.
You know, and then I took a sharp turn to anger.
Oh, did you punch a hole in the wall? Oh, tha no, I thought it'd be cool to have an office hammock.
Then I found out the hard way that drywall does not support a human body.
- Mm.
- But now I've moved on to the third stage of grief; bargaining.
Jack, I can offer you two parking spaces.
Now, granted, they're not adjacent.
- Let's see.
- Six-figure salary or a second floating parking spot.
Okay, I get it, Jack.
All right? I want what's best for you too.
Look, could you at least impart some words of Ivy League wisdom to the students at the hit '90s movie Congo-themed dance this Friday? Yes [SNAPS] That I can do.
Maybe I'll teach 'em about deterministic living.
Or maybe just, uh - teach 'em about deodorant.
- [CHAIR RUMBLES] Ralph, the cash for gold guy is on line three.
Did you already take my chair, Helen? Oh, I did.
Oh, it's so comfortable.
It's like my hind end is smiling from ear to ear.
All right, everybody, what have we got for revenge against Dallas? We could adjust her metronome so she drums slightly off tempo.
That seems like your second bad idea of the day there, Colin.
No, come on, guys.
We need to go bigger.
Did you ever see the movie "Carrie"? We could stuff the ballot box so Dallas is voted queen.
And then when she's on stage getting crowned, we can humiliate her by covering her BOTH: In pig's blood.
Anybody else just get goose bumps? Yeah.
Where will we get pig's blood? My dad's butcher shop.
We have troughs of it.
- Let's do it.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING] Oh, you know what, guys, keep it going.
I gotta take this call.
It's Stanford.
Man, it feels good to say that.
- Miles.
- Jack, Jack.
You'll never guess who I'm with.
Dean Richardson, hi.
Love that tie.
- I'm digging it.
- Well, thank you, Jack.
This shade of red is Stanford Cardinal.
- [LAUGHS] - [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES] - This guy.
Aw, fun, fun.
Well, Jack, I'm on my way out, but we are really looking forward to having your with us.
You are gonna love having him.
Jack and I are like the same soul - in two separate bodies.
- Yeah.
Well, Jack, I'm off.
- [DOOR CLOSES] Jack, between you and I, Stanford are really scrutinizing their faculty's behavior at the moment.
Turns out one of the English professors has been using his faculty website - to sell ecstasy.
- Wow.
Seems like that's what the dean was on.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
But, seriously, keep your nose clean for the next couple of days, all right, you saucy little mongoose.
Will do, you You fuzzy old, uh - Go on.
Do what was it.
- Nope.
I'm not gonna do this.
- [INDISTINCT WHISPERING] - Yo, you want to hear - what we've got so far? - So we'll all go to the dance - as a group- - Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
No mas.
No mas.
Turns out my Stanford job is on the line here, guys.
So as much as it kills me to say this, I cannot douse a teenage girl in blood.
I'm gonna be over here picking out my California bang pad, so it's time for you guys to nut up and do this on your own.
All right? Let's see here.
Bang pad.
- [KEYS THUMPING] - Bang pads.
Oh, nope, nope, nope.
That's not a good website.
Okay, so what should we use as background music for Jack's video? My vote is the "What a man, what a man, "what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man" song.
Michelle, that's too many "what a mans.
" I can't help it.
I'm rattled.
All I can think about is that ghost.
There has to be a easy explanation for it.
- It was a glare.
- Yeah, plus ghosts only haunt places that they've died, and no one's ever died at Whitlock, so Unless you count Beehive Beverly who died of a headfire.
A headfire? Oh, it's Whitlock legend.
It was 1964 and our Home Ec teacher, Beverly Sills, was a real tomboy.
Now, that didn't set well with Principal Thorson.
So he made her put her hair up into a beehive.
And one fateful day, she was pulling out zucchini muffins from the oven and her beehive caught on fire and flash-melted down to the scalp.
- Oh.
- Some people say that she still roams these halls [EERIE MUSIC] Cursed to always wear a beehive.
- Ha! [LAUGHS] - [ALL EXCLAIM] So we'll rig the buckets of blood the day before in the gym.
We'll get in there by crawling through the duct system.
- This plan sucks.
- Your attitude sucks.
Okay, dude, stop fighting.
We need to figure out - how to get into the gym.
- The duct system! Okay, guys, guys, guys.
I'm not getting involved here.
I'm just letting you know that every teacher keeps a master key in their top drawer, so steal it from them when they're not looking.
[MAJOR LAZER'S "RUN UP" PLAYING] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Yeah they thought that you was a shy girl Until I made you my girl Girl you pushed me like a big button Till I cuffed you like you did somethin' You ain't gotta wait for it You ain't gotta wait for me to give you my love You ain't got to wait for it Things are gettin' sticky girl Dudes, like, seriously, disperse.
All right? Y'all looking shady as hell.
[ALL WHISPERING] Well done, ladies.
- [ALL EXCLAIM] - Oh, God.
Durbs, put a bell on that collar.
Ooh, my hiccups are gone.
Hey, guys, I'm sorry to scare you, but how great is this? I mean, it's This is like really being in the movie "Congo.
" Durbadook, we have an issue.
- Whitlock is haunted.
- It's Beehive Beverly.
Guys, there's no such thing as Beehive Beverly.
So there's no Beehive [SCREECHES] Let's Let's not say her name a third time though.
[CHUCKLES] You know, just in case.
It's [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Whoa, we are definitely not gonna get the deposits back on these gorilla suits.
This one smells like egg salad.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, boy.
Hello, everyone.
The king and queen of the Sadie Hawkins "Congo" Dance inspired by the movie based on the book by Michael Crichton the winners are: Dallas Chaffee and Joshua McLees.
Get your butts up here.
Good job.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC] Yes, congratulations, Dallas and Joshua! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Wow.
[WHISPERS] Why isn't it working? - Pull harder.
- I'm trying.
It must be stuck.
Is everybody having fun in the Lost City of Zinj? [CHUCKLES] Amy love "Congo" movie None of us get that.
We have not seen film.
Get to point.
Wow, even the Even the Russian kids.
You are acclimating quickly.
Well, without further ado, I would like to introduce our keynote speaker.
Please welcome my ex-roomie, Mr.
Jack Griffin.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] All right, guys.
I guess my message to you is pretty simple.
Um, you gotta get out of Toledo.
Just get the hell out of here any way you can.
I got out using my good looks and my wit and my charm, but you guys don't have that, so you'll have to come up with something else.
Who are you? You know, you could join a circus.
Yeah, that could be cool.
I know those gypsies tend to hire, you know, their own, but you could marry in.
Yeah, that's one way in.
Maybe you wouldn't even have to work at the circus.
You could just, you know You'd make dinner for when the gypsy comes home.
Just, you know, keep 'em happy.
Otherwise, they'll steal your baby.
[CLEARS THROAT] It's been a lot of fun, but I'm sure, sure glad to be leaving this damn place.
Uh, okay.
See ya.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE] Okay, uh, well gypsy's, I think, are an unjustly maligned group.
They gave us the tambourine.
And if you ask me, Toledo is a great place to live.
Jack, the ladies have put together a little bon voyage surprise gift for you, so take it away, ladies.
All right.
Thank you, Durbs.
Oh, Harvard Jack, we're gonna miss you.
We made you this hella tight good-bye video, but we just wanted to give the audience a quick warning.
If you see something behind Coach, - it's definitely not a ghost.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, actually, 90% sure it's not a ghost because there is no such thing.
Uh, probably not.
- Definitely not - [CELL PHONE RINGING] Because they're probably not real.
The only thing we know is, we don't know what we don't know.
[DISTANT] It's most likely nothing Miles, my main man, how's it going? Hey, mate, I wish I could say tip -top lollipop, but it's far from that.
I'm screwed.
I'm still waiting for all the details, but during the faculty sweep, Stanford traced the IP address of my cyber sweetie Linda to a high school.
Turns out, I've been speaking to a 16-year-old online.
And I've gotta go on Oprah tomorrow and try and explain all of that.
I'm done.
Wow, yeah, no that's bad.
That's bad.
You know, what can I say? You know, some people make bad decisions purely of their own accord and, you know, they get punished.
No, sorry, Jack, you don't understand.
This is bad for you as well, I'm afraid.
I recommended you, so Stanford's revoking the offer.
I'm tainted, and I've tainted you.
I've tainted you bad.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Stanford doesn't want you anymore.
When you see the thing behind Coach, just know that you don't know what that is, and it's probably nothing.
Because after all, if it was a ghost, okay, I'm sure we would have seen a sign by now.
[SHELLAC'S "THE END OF RADIO"] Can you hear me now? - [SCREAMS] - Hell no! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING AND SCREAMING] Everybody stay calm! [ALL SCREAMING AND SHOUTING] Oh, God! Can you hear me now? It's the end of radio [ROGER MILLER'S "THE LAS WORD IN LONESOME IS ME"] The last word In lonesome is me The last word In Lonesome is me No, we're still trying to figure out who did it.
No, I'm fine.
It was just It was really scary.
Bye, Mom.
[MUSIC FADES] Jack, have a seat.
Uh, I am not a man who likes to beg, but I'm really good at it, and, uh, I am begging you.
Please, please, stay at Whitlock.
Okay, I can offer you the two parking spaces from earlier, a BOGO certificate to the school store, and uh a surge protector.
I sorry, that worked? Sure, Ralph.
I'll stay.
We're yes! Oh, my God, this totally makes up for the literal bloodbath that went down on my watch.
[STRAINS] Come on.
Just one second.
The last word In lonesome is me - The last word - [BUZZING] In lonesome is me My hearts is a But we were rid of you.
The dean of Stanford found out about our Miles-Catfish mission and it came back to bite me in the ass, so it's over.
I'm stuck here.
[THUDS] Wow, it's almost Shakespearean.
You ruined yourself.
[SIGHS] You know what might cheer you up? A little revenge.
Maybe we could do a good old fashion Miles mission? Oh, yeah, I don't know if you saw, but Miles' Oprah interview went really well, and he's about to get his own show on her network.
Don't care.
I'll just pop one of these Advil PMs and go to sleep.
Let's see if we can make today become tomorrow.
You said, "There's no greater pick me up than taking down someone who's wronged you," but now you're just gonna sit there and do nothing? Yep.
All right, what is one quality that Miles has that Mr.
Griffin doesn't? He's British.
Which means he can get deported.
And what's the number one reason people get deported? Exotic animal smuggling.
All we have to do is get illegal exotic animals, put them in his house, call the feds, and, boom, he's deported.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] - - Where would you get the animals? Yo, my sketchy neighbor breeds snakes.
Yeah, he's always trying to sell his python eggs.
You know guys, there could be something to this.
Give me that.
While we're on takedowns.
I'm putting that Stanford dean on the list.
Fricking hyena.
Oh, if we're making a list, can we put my karate teacher on it? - What? - He laughed when I fell doing my roundhouse kick.
Guy does sound sucky.
The dictator at CVS won't let me buy more than seven lighters.
Sure, let's get him.
He's toast.
Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, this should go without saying, but, uh, we're back to being a no-bio zone.
Why don't you go ahead and toss that puppy in here, Sarika.
Let's go.
There we go.
All right, now we're cooking.
What else we got? My grandpa insists on cutting my hair.
Oh, that's no good.
My dentist is making me get braces, but I don't think I need them.
[ROCK MUSIC] Keep 'em coming.
Who else? Coach Novak for making me do pushups.
The lunch lady with the beard.
Denzel Washington, but also just to meet him.
- Denzel.
- The kid in the cafeteria - who keeps flicking my nipples.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] Breakin' rocks in the hot sun I fought the law and the law won