A.P. Bio (2017) s02e01 Episode Script


1 But David Cronenberg turned him down, and that's why he didn't direct "Return of the Jedi.
" And finally, I'd like to talk to everyone about the word "funt," which, technically, is not a swear word but it could be argued that it's the combination of two red alert words here at Whitlock.
So please join me as we Punt the Funt.
All right, all right.
Start shutting up, everybody.
I bring amazing news.
Last night, everything changed, but don't take it from me, take it from [LIQUID GURGLING] [RETCHES] [SIGHING] Mayonnaise! [STUDENTS GROANING] So that is 128 ounces of mayonnaise.
It's a lot, right? Is this part of the mission to get revenge on Anthony's mean karate teacher? No, we're gonna cut off Master Kyle's ponytail, but someone had to have an epiphany.
Yes, yes, I had an epiphany.
I did.
You see, Anthony and I witnessed a beautiful, if perplexing, thing.
Right next to Anthony's dojo is the home of an average Toledo family, working class, and last night they were having some sort of big family dinner.
Everyone had gathered in the living room, everyone was hugging and laughing and eating sandwiches with mayo, eating celery dipped in mayo.
At one point, I saw a girl, a child, really, - eat an entire spoonful of just mayo.
- Ew.
I've never seen anything like it and I realized that they have something that I don't have.
They work hard all day long and then they reward themselves with simple things.
In this case, white gold.
So, this is my new philosophical thesis.
I'm going to describe how the good, hardworking people of Toledo have unlocked the key to happiness through simplicity.
[DETERMINED MUSIC] I'm gonna write a new book, y'all! Cool.
What do you say, Anthony? Hip-hip Nope.
Nope? He doesn't wanna So you're just gonna give up on your mission to get out of Toledo? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm going to win the Hiyu Isu prize.
It's a major philosophy award.
So, I write the book, win the prize, job offers and money come pouring in, and then I get the heck out of Toledo.
Boom! Oh, boy, I see a new kid over here.
Yeah, let me catch you up to speed.
So I'm not gonna teach you anything in here, okay? If you keep your mouth shut, you get an A.
If you say anything to anybody, you get an F.
Welcome to A.
I've been here the whole time.
[SCOFFS] Okay, well, jeez, you know, talk! [RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"] One, two, three, four Next time, I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart - Excuse me, Mr.
- What? I'm currently applying to a number of colleges, including Harvard.
I was wondering if you could write me a letter of recommendation? - Oh yeah, me too.
- I want one.
Yeah, I'm gonna need one, big-time.
My GPA is trash.
Yeah, that that That's a hard pass, guys.
Hard pass, um, but I have been doing some research on this Isu philosophy prize and guess what? It comes with an award of 50 million yen! Actually, that's only 500,000 US dollars.
Marcus, go to the office.
[SIGHING] [GROANING] Where were we? [CHUCKLING] Oh right! I'm going to be a Japanese millionaire.
Yeah, the only tricky part is that the submissions for the 2019 award are due in three days.
Luckily, I learned how to cram pretty well.
While getting my PhD, but I just need help with the "immersing myself in Toledo" part.
I could take you to the Toledo Zoo.
It's pretty sweet.
They have animals, sure, but they also have, like, concerts.
Okay, Victor, that's, like, the third or fourth time you've invited me to the zoo.
I don't want to go there with you.
Not for a concert or any other reason.
What I need right now is to get in the trenches with these people, feel what they feel.
You know, like Jane Goodall living with the chimps.
I need to experience real hardworking, regular, manual labor jobs.
You know what I'm saying? My aunt owns a landscaping company.
Landscape yes! Yes, okay you're doing great by the way, really fitting in.
My dad's looking for someone to fill a shift at the butcher shop.
All right, this is great.
What else? You could be a biology teacher.
That's a regular job.
Yeah, okay, I'll start teaching you guys biology.
- Really? - Just kidding.
What else, guys? Shout 'em out! - My uncle runs a car repair.
- My dad does demolition.
Good, good.
What else? You're all set at the butcher shop.
[CHUCKLING] Awesome! Today I'm a butcher, tomorrow I'm a Japanese millionaire.
You know what I'm gonna do? Buy one of those Japanese talking toilets.
See what that has to say.
This thing is toast.
Well, how much is a new one gonna cost? Well, a top of the line one gonna run you 5,000.
[SIGHING] Now, Helen, you know you really got to service these things every three months.
This thing is shot.
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
I don't know how this could've happened.
I even put Post-Its up on my never-forgets board.
Oh, crap! They fell behind the copier.
Oops, "water plant.
" "Check out Louis C.
" I still got to do that.
Oh, my garage door code! Yeah, I can start driving aga [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] Yeah, "schedule copier maintenance.
" Ralph, I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I let this happen to our only copier.
Okay, it's not the end of the world.
Yes, it is.
The copier is also a scanner.
They can't scan, Ralph.
They can't even scan! Okay, okay, this might be a bigger problem than we thought.
Let's keep it between us for now, okay? What are you doing here, Marcus? - I - Did you use the new "F" word? No.
Why are you guys standing in front of the copier? Okay, that's it, Marcus.
Take your stuff and go home.
- But I didn't do - You heard the principal! Go! You are not welcome here! [SIGHING] [SIGHING] Oh, God.
You guys, we should go out Friday night.
What should be celebrate? Friday is the 20th, right? I feel like we can definitely find something to celebrate on the 20th.
Oh Michelle, you white-ass Rihanna, of course, the 20th! Did my white-ass jog your memory, oh-oh! I can't believe that you remembered.
It's exactly one year ago to the day since I got bangs.
- Oh, no, no.
- That was a full year ago? Yes! BOTH: Bangs birthday! [GIGGLING] Hey, Daddy.
You remember my dad, right, boss? Yeah, yeah, of course.
Uh, hey, Ron, how are you doing there? Very, very pumped to be here.
This is great.
Hi, Jack.
Oh, just gonna put it on the fist there.
All right.
[CHUCKLING] "Every butt love a rub.
" Ah, I love that.
So simple.
Thank you, it's word play.
Come over to the meat grinder.
Yeah, absolutely.
Let's do some classic blue-collar work.
I love it.
Yeah? I'm gonna start you off making sausage - out of pork shoulder.
- Mmhmm? Basically, you cut hunks of this pork shoulder into chunks, then do the same with lamb, then grab a big gunk and shove it in the grinder.
It's gonna poop it out of this hole, see.
Then take a long strand of pork intestine.
Feed it onto the worm end and tie it off.
Got to tell you, Ron, you're making me hungry.
Sorry about that.
Then you repeat the whole thing until 5:00 p.
, or as we call it, "beer o'clock.
" "Beer o'clock"? Oh man, that that's fantastic! But let's go ahead and get started with the blue-collar work 'cause, um, I'm on a little bit of a deadline here.
[PUNK MUSIC] [YELLING] [WHIRRING, CLANGING] Just put your hands in there.
No gloves, huh? [GRUNTING] Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of rollie pollies under here.
Are they they gonna be okay? Do you suppose? [CLEARS THROAT] Or it doesn't matter? Yeah, doesn't matter.
Hey, I was just curious, uh, are you guys mad at your wives? Nothing, huh? Okay, back to work.
- No, no, no! Not that wall! - This isn't the wall? Whee! [CHUCKLING] The hell am I looking for in here, man? It's a mess.
I don't think there's any fixing this thing.
Griffin left Big Kim's Tacos around 2:00 a.
Wasn't he supposed to be writing? His deadline is in two days.
[SIGHING] Our little guy's all tuckered out.
Good night, sweet price.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] [GROANING] Let's go ahead and get started, shall we? [CLEARS THROAT] Last night, I made some progress on the book.
Okay, so there's four basic categories of happiness that I'm going to want to focus on, all right? One, work a job where you can see the physical results of your labor at the end of each day.
Two, make up mundane celebrations to distract you from your inevitable death.
Number three, ingest sugary, fatty, and salty things that release endorphins in your brain.
And four, partner with a convenient person within a 20-mile radius to procreate and therefore feel as though a memory of you will live on.
Now, we've only got 48 hours left, and, uh, we're still working on part one.
So I'm gonna need you guys to be my research team while I focus on the writing.
I need real-life examples to back up my theory.
So, Marcus, you're gonna be cleaning the grease trap at Big Kim's Tacos from midnight to 3:00 a.
- New girl, you like Jeeps? - I'm not new.
You ever wonder how they attach their windshield wipers? Great! [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] Oh, hey, Michelle.
Are you here to make copies? No, just dropping off permission slips.
[SIGHING] Thank you.
Hey, it's your birthday Friday, huh? You got any plans? Why would I have any plans? You're the only one who cares about people at this school! Everyone else just cares about bangs! In fact [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] Oh, don't! [CLANGING] Oh, oh! [PANTING] Oh! Oh, my gosh.
That scared the candy out of me.
But hey, more hair for my "locks of love" drive.
And that's my lunch.
[SCOFFING] Hair on the right, lunch on the left.
Hey, Ralph, great news.
I ordered the new copier.
Not as great of news, it's gonna take ten days to get here.
Okay, I'll tell you what we're not gonna do.
We're not gonna not get out in front of this thing.
In fact, we are going to get in front of this.
I mean, it's something until cancer hits.
Attention, Whitlock, this is your principal, Principal Durbin.
Uh, I just wanted to talk to you about our copier, which is, uh, doing amazing.
In fact, uh, better than ever, if you ask me.
But, uh, maybe we should also be asking ourselves, why are we making so many copies? [FEEDBACK WHINES] Uh That's a great idea, Ralph! Thanks, Helen.
Long story short, everything's normal.
Everyone have a Ram-tastic day, and, uh, less copying, more original-ing.
That's gonna buy us some time.
- You're good at this.
- All right.
Okay, thanks, here we - I'm I'm fist-bumping.
- Catch it? - No, you make a fist.
- All right.
No, this is fantastic.
What else did you learn working your job? At that point, I was so tired, I accidentally glued my hand to one of the carpet samples.
[CHUCKLES] You know, I do think with a lot of these jobs, the more there's a threat of danger, the more meaningful beer o'clock becomes.
Yeah, did anyone else encounter this, uh, beer o'clock phenomenon? Interesting.
Uh, okay, who's next? Eduardo, go.
I observed a construction crew at Lagrange and Masters.
At approximately 5:15 a.
, a woman jogged past with her dog.
I believe it was a Border Collie.
One of the men exclaimed, "Whoa, perfect ten!" I soon realized he was referring to the woman, not the beautiful Collie.
I asked around and apparently this scale only goes to ten.
So she had achieved the top score.
Great work, Eduardo.
That's sexual harassment.
This whole thing is crazy.
Kids are getting hurt.
You're putting us in weird situations.
We're not even getting our recommended eight hours of sleep.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING] All right, great work, guys.
Keep it up, and, you know, push through the pain.
Don't even worry about it.
Keep your eyes peeled for more beer o'clocks.
Hey, we're writing a book, y'all! [LAUGHS] [SEEDY MUSIC] Oh, these are so cute! Right? I had my students make them and put them in every teacher's desk.
The chill ones, at least.
Hey, guys.
Guess who got bangs? [CHUCKLING] I did! So we can celebrate my bangs too! What's going on with you guys? Michelle, please explain.
Explain what? Okay, so if I'm being 100% raw with you right now, not cool, Michelle.
If you would've gotten your rad new haircut any other week, it would've been different.
But you had to steal Stef's day with your bomb-ass, new rickety isthmus haircut.
Just think about your choices, please.
- Wait - I'm hurt.
Wait, you [SIGHS] - Helen? - Psst, Ralph, down here.
This announcement thing backfired.
Now everyone wants to make copies.
[POUNDING, RATTLING] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] We're not gonna be able to wait ten days.
What are we gonna do? Well, I found a fix, but it's a It's a bit of a nuclear option.
Cancel the other order, this'll be quicker.
"Used copier for sale.
Contact Principal Kling at Pineberry Elementary.
" Oh, Ralph, please don't do this.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] You know, I would not have won "Innovative Principal of the Year" if I had sold copiers to every "Johnny Tie Too Long" that came wandering into the office.
Listen, we are in a real jam.
Okay, look, I'd be happy to sell you the copier.
Oh, great.
Unfortunately, it's not up to me.
- Kling, don't don't - It's up to Mr.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hello! [CHUCKLING] I think that you should sell them the copier.
If Don't.
They kiss each other.
Come on! It's the same thing every time! On the mouth! [WHISPERING] Sorry.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Do it, do it, do it! Mmm! Mmm! Ralph, let's just do it.
- Yes, yes.
- Get up.
Come on.
Hey, what what You either take this check and sell us that copier or I am gonna cut this puppet's head off right now! - Mr.
Doodles! Clear off! - No! Wait, wait, Helen! You're hurting me! Well, you're hurting us! Okay, okay.
You can have the copier.
I need more material, I need more details.
Okay, I need you guys to get more jobs.
That's what I need, 'cause I need more stuff here.
Anthony, what's your evening like? Bruh, don't even.
- [SCOFFS] - Mr.
I have not slept or done any homework for the last two days.
We're doing all this and you won't even give me a college recommendation.
I'm done! Okay, Sarika, well, that's We'll be fine! So, well [DOOR CLICKS SHUT] I'm out too.
Good-bye, Mr.
Oh, no, is Marcus I can't do it without you, Marcus.
Please, don't leave.
What do I have to do? Yeah, I'm done too.
No Master Kyle's ponytail, no Anthony.
Wait a second, Anthony.
Hold on, don't I-I actually need you.
Wait, don't don't don't What about my deadline, dude? You guys are killing my book! No, you can't all go! Victor, stay.
Come on.
Bud, I need you.
[SCOFFS] There's my girl.
Yeah, Heather's still on my side.
Actually, I'm out too, boss.
Oh oh, my God.
Heather, are you okay? Oh, it's just a rash.
I think I'm allergic to the lead at the smelting plant.
I may need a little R&R, my dawg.
- Oh.
- See ya.
- [CHUCKLING] We did it! - We did.
Oh, God.
[WHISTLES] Ralph, I need to say something so there won't be any awkwardness between us.
I didn't avoid kissing you in Principal Kling's office because I think you're unattractive.
Oh, that's not necessary.
As you know, I like women.
A lot.
In that way.
Like, but I do acknowledge that you have a classic mouth.
Hmm, this is going somewhere tricky.
A juicy little mouth with a long, long, doglike tongue.
Hmm, woof.
[CHUCKLING] And oh, I have noticed it, but I just wanted to talk this out so we didn't feel awkward or anything, and I feel so much better.
Well, I'm I'm glad you you feel better.
Oh, Mary! Thank God.
Hey, hi! Hey, guess what? I'd smooth Durbin if I wasn't as gay as a tree full of birds.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I'd kiss Durbin.
Get some of that crazy dog tongue.
[SNICKERING] See, I don't think I have that.
Hey, will you tell Michelle "Happy Birthday" for me? I'm not gonna make it tonight.
I got reservations for the movies.
Oh, I got a present for her too.
Hold on.
The 20th.
Oh, damn.
Here's my gift.
Do you mind giving Michelle this? Oh, go go straight.
Go straight.
Whoa! God, this thing is Oh, what the heck? - Oh! - Mary, take the canoe! [SCHOOL BELL RINGING] Oh.
He probably wants us to proof his dumb book.
These are college recommendations.
They're what? [DRAMATIC MUSIC] All right, start to shut up, everybody.
Thanks for these letters, Mr.
These are all so nice.
Yeah, I said shut up.
You think I'm a curious specimen? Yeah.
My just says, "Old soul, nonsmoker.
" Yeah, it was starting to get late.
You think I'm formidable? I didn't get an envelope.
Oh, yeah? [PAPER CRINKLING] [GASPING] Master Kyle's ponytail! [CHALK SCRAPING] Are you okay, boss? Well, yeah, you know, Master Kyle did eventually let his guard down during his breakfast at Denny's, but, uh, Anthony failed to mention that Mrs.
Master Kyle was also a black belt.
These letters must've taken you all night.
What about your deadline? I missed it.
- Aww.
- It's okay, it's all right.
All right, shut up, shut up, shut up.
It's fine.
It's given me a little bit more time to, uh, personally collect more examples of, uh, authentic day-to-day Toledo happiness.
Yeah, before Germany's Schweizer award, which is another big award.
What is this? I just need to keep observing real Toledoans in their natural element.
Party at Wesley's for Stef's Bangs Birthday? Oh.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] [LAUGHING] - Yay, to Stef's bangs.
- Yes, to my bangs! Absolutely, to your hair.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
Oh, I should've mixed it with some fruit juice.
There she is, our birthday girl! Happy birthday, Michelle! [CHEERING] Did you think we forgot about your birthday? "Happy birthday to Stef's Our bangsing friend, Mich.
" You guys! You jammed fries into Stef's bangs cake for me? Yes, girl, we love you, and your birthday is way more important than some haircut.
Thank you so much.
I love you guys.
Hey, um, is this some type of aioli sauce or something? 'Cause it's delicious.
It's just mayonnaise.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC] White gold.