A Touch of Cloth (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 1

So we have to repossess your house and everything in it and that stick you're leaning on.
It'll be hard to walk Then lie down and drag yourself along with your lips.
Cashier number three, please.
Help a Blameless Child? Thank you, sir, thank you very much.
Lay off it.
Put a smile on a kid's face.
Help a blameless child.
Straight in, straight out.
No messing.
And Twitch, watch that trigger finger.
Mr Macratty don't want no mistakes.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Help a Blameless Child? No change, mate.
Help a Blameless? Woo! Go! Go! Go! Everybody get down on the floor! Now! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.
Shut it.
And you.
Eat it.
I said eat it! That's right! We'll even stand on the bloody counters! Any of you try and stop us, you'll end up like these leaflets.
Woo! Reckon you'll be telling your grandkids about this, eh? I'm-I'm gay.
You can turn it into a musical Go on! Oi! Don't try and be a hero.
Robber number one, please.
It's OK, I'm a cop.
You're Todd Carty.
And a cop.
No-one said it'd be locked.
Why's it locked? New guidelines.
We have to lock the money up so the notes don't blow away if there's a draught.
Right Get it open or I'm going to do your knees.
I haven't got a niece.
Code! Now! Two, two, double two, then two twos and two more twos.
Double two again, two, two, two, two two, two, two, two and two.
Go, go, go, go.
Woo! Who's whispering? Ahh Hey are you talking to God? Do you want to talk to him face to face? Does God even have a face? WELL, DOES HE? Not in any meaningful anthropomorphic sense I don't talk ponce-a-nese.
Leave the ponce alone.
Now drop it.
You ain't got the guts.
Maybe not, but I've got the balls.
Two of them, big as mangoes.
Each as warm and heavy as a baby's head, with a similar covering of fine hair and tendency to wrinkle up when I need feeding.
Now put the gun down.
Don't I know you from somewhere? That's rich, coming from you.
You sound just like this little scrote that used to cause trouble on my patch.
They called you Twitch.
No, they never.
What was your guvnor's name again? Macreedy? Macratty.
And that ain't his name, anyway.
Stop with the mind games! Macratty's not going to be happy with you.
Stay back.
Or what? You'll shoot me? Go ahead I don't care.
I've got nothing to lose, I'm crazy, you see? Loco.
And don't even think about taking her hostage.
I hadn't.
Come here! Now you drop it, otherwise her kid's gonna grow up a widow.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Come on! Woo! Go, go, go, go, go.
Twitch you idiot, what did I tell you? It was him or me.
Get up.
Come on.
Out of the way.
They shot Todd Carty.
Robber number five, please.
We're interrupting that music for a Crimi-News update.
We're hearing about an armed bank robbery in the City of Town.
There are reports of casualties but it's not yet clear how many are dead, or which brilliant yet tortured policeman might soon be on the tail of the culprit.
I don't play those games any more.
Sorry, are we going to be sitting here much longer? It's just that my flight's at 2:30, and the airport's a fair distance, so Oh, great.
When I become mayor, crimes like this will be a thing of the past.
Like Max Headroom.
Or the Renaissance.
Aggressive armed robbery.
Four armed men wearing stockings, 15 denier, back seam.
49 from department stores and/or larger branches of Boots.
Who's that on the steps? Mayoral candidate Hope Goodgirl.
Centre-right, libertarian, currently unmarried, feisty, blood group AB, 5,000 Twitter followers.
Mobile number 077 Whoever she is, she's in our way.
This is a crime scene.
Now fold up your typewriters and leave.
Visible policing.
You're an inspiration.
And you're an obstruction.
The force could use more bodies like yours.
Here's my card.
Let me slide my fingers into that warm little pocket of yours.
Help a blameless child Witness number one, please.
They even shot the owl.
Why would a bank have an owl? All banks do.
Where's the manager? Roger Quiver.
I'm pretty sure that's what they looked like.
Left-handed, golf handicap 15, never eaten moussaka, enjoys Homes Under the Hammer and Steely Dan.
DI Anne Oldman.
The men who did this, was there anything distinguishing about them? Accents? Stature? Hobbies? Witness number two, please.
Thank you.
If you think of anything Wait.
What about their weight? They looked normal.
I mean they were made of skin But one of them had a tattoo.
Sketch it for me.
Guv! Get this to the boys down the station, Asap.
Des? Poor bastard wasn't even on duty.
Just popped in to look at the money.
Paid the ultimate price trying to save a member of the public.
Killed by his own dedication.
Killed by a bullet, actually.
At least he died a hero.
The kind of hero that shits himself.
It seems fearless Mr Carty bravely defecated as the bullet went in.
Which either indicates terror or a severe lead allergy.
Try focussing on the evidence, Natasha.
I have.
Carty may have brown-buttered his britches like a petrified girl, but at least he had the presence of mind to write that as he died.
I assume it's a lead.
It says "Macratty" not that it's easy to tell.
He ran out of room and had to scrunch the last letters up.
Hero he may have been.
Typographer he was not.
Should've measured it out in his head first.
Is that all he wrote? No.
He also did some doodling as they tried to revive him.
Looks like he was bored.
And he was clutching this in his other hand.
Some sort of rag.
Perhaps he was planning to mop up after himself.
At least someone's tried to clean up this mess, even if they were selfish enough to turn dead in the process.
Don't expect you've generated any evidence of your own? Not much but whoever did this, sir, knew what they were doing.
I don't care if they knew all four members of the Vengaboys.
I'm the big man round here and I want them caught, and caught hard.
Have you seen our crime statistics lately? No.
Because someone stole them.
Together with a kilo of heroin from the vice squad tuck shop.
It's not good enough, Oldman.
It's not good enough, Old Man.
You wanted a promotion.
I suggest you earn it.
And I also suggest you watch me leave, grandly.
Ad break number one, please.
Assistant Chief Constable! Chief Constable - Mitt Sniff, The Mirror.
How much was taken? A figure in the region of many pounds.
Robin Stork, Bird-watching Now.
Is it true they shot the owl? I heard it was a tawny owl, they're increasingly rare.
Yes, in the face.
Jill Tits, Pestering Journalist.
Is the force losing control? What's that word women use? "No.
" What about the rumours regarding your leadership? What rumours? That no-one trusts you since that string of baroque revenge killings you carried out last year.
There was a full inquiry.
I apologised and I went on a rehabilitation course, so as far as everyone is concerned that is the end of the matter.
Does "everyone" include Jack Cloth? Jack Cloth is ancient history.
He's last week's hummus.
Burnt out, washed up and bummed off.
He quit the force.
He's out.
He's gone away-o.
And as far as I'm concerned, that's the opposite of bad riddance.
We never so much as mention his name round here.
We need Cloth, now.
What? Look.
Get rid of these vermin.
Dave Clegg, Victim Today.
Are we being led to our deaths? In my office.
That man turned his back on the force.
There's no second chances in this job.
I don't like it any more than you do.
The situation between Jack and me, it's complicated.
"Complicated"? It's not just "complicated" But Painful.
Things got messy on Jack's last case.
Too messy.
NOOOOO! I know.
But Todd died giving us this lead.
If we don't follow it up, it's like he died for nothing in some pre-titles opening sequence.
There's no choice.
We need Jack back.
No-one's heard sight of him since he left the force.
Do you think he'll ever forgive me for what I did to Kate? Jack doesn't blame you, Tom.
He blames himself.
There you go, my love.
All nice and neat, just the way you like it.
I remember when you used to trim my garden.
Hello Jack.
I thought you never wanted to see me again, Oldman.
I thought you never wanted to see me again, Old Man.
I didn't.
So then why are you here? The boys down the station they need your help with something.
I don't fix vending machines any more.
There was a bank job.
I read about it on the radio, looks complicated.
It also looks like it's none of my business.
Jack, they shot the owl.
Owls die.
They shot Todd, too.
Don't tell me he's dead.
Is he dead? Yes.
Agh! I said don't tell me.
Before he died, Todd wrote a name in blood.
Michael Macratty.
You know him? Only by reputation.
If it's unpleasant and unlegal, he's into it.
Guns, drugs, gluing dogs to planks and throwing them out of helicopters.
What does he look like? We don't know.
Macratty's like a ghost.
Timothy Claypole? He can't be caught.
We could catch him.
Jack, you know Macratty's world.
You've lived on Earth the whole of your life.
It's like you were born there.
I was born in hell the day my wife died.
Egg and sweets with toast.
I know you want to bring Macratty down.
You're still hungry.
I can see it.
You expect me to put this down and come and work for Tom Boss? I've got two words for you.
Boss went on a course.
He hasn't killed anyone in months.
Both answers are still no.
Jack! If this is about what happened between us Nothing happened between us.
And nothing ever will again.
That's a lie and you know it.
Lean closer and say that.
I said that's a lie and I want you.
I want you Jack, is that enough? I was wrong to leave.
I cry so much these days my face thinks it lives underwater I need you, you bastard I need you in me right here, right now When I said no, I meant no.
And no.
Jack, wait.
You don't want me anyway.
You're gay.
Bi, Jack.
Egg and piss.
The funeral of beloved actor-turned policeman Todd Carty took place today, as a stunned nation entered its fifth official day of mourning.
Friends and colleagues of Carty continued to pay their respects and make specific requests of embittered hard-drinking mavericks.
Why would someone shoot Todd? Todd never shot anyone.
Not on purpose.
Someone should avenge him.
Someone Scottish.
The person who did this is walking around free, while Todd, he's lying in the ground like a parsnip.
Never been so angry since Willmott-Brown.
I'm sick to the tits.
In all my years as an officer I've never seen a crime shatter a community like this.
I mean look around, their eyes, they're pissing tears.
It's like they can't believe it.
They don't want to believe it.
They're like "Oh, no - not Todd.
"Oh, no.
Not Todd.
"Oh, please, not Todd.
" That's what they're like.
Someone in a position to do something about this has to ensure justice is done.
They need to stop being so bloody maudlin, put down that drink, rejoin the force and stride manfully into the briefing room saying, "OK, listen up.
It's time to catch these bastards.
" OK, listen up.
It's time to catch these bastards.
This is crime boss and mega-turd Michael Macratty.
As you can see, he's mysterious.
So mysterious we don't even know what he looks like.
But we know he's black.
That's just an artist's impression.
Macratty's as slippery as greased Hellmann's, as unpredictable as a werewolf on malaria pills.
Long suspected to be behind a series of increasingly audacious scrap metal thefts He's recently graduated to armed robbery and murder.
We somehow have to prove a link between him and this.
We need to map Macratty's network.
I want to find out who he knows, where he goes, what he does, in which size gloves What he eats, how he sleeps Under blankets? Under sheets? Is he single? Is he taken? How crispy does he like his bacon? Upper, middle, working class? Which hand's employed to wipe his arse? What's his blood group? What's his sign? What's his take on Palestine? Who's his mother, who's his dad? Has he read Beevor's Stalingrad? What's his height, what's his weight? How often does he masturbate? Is he churlish, shy or chatty? Who is the real Mike Macratty? Solve these riddles if you can and together we can stop this man.
Any questions? OK.
Let's po-lice.
Qureshi, set up a wiretap, we're going to need monitors, microphones, lights, Steadicam operators and some sort of distribution deal for first-run satellite and DVD rights.
I'm on it, guv.
Anne, Des, we're going to sit in a car looking at a scrap yard.
Think you can handle that? Is the car on fire? Absolutely not.
Piece of piss, guv.
What's that? It's a prehensile extremity used to manipulate the environment.
To offer friendship.
That hand killed my wife.
Actually that was this hand.
A murderer and a pedant? You're pathetic.
I hear you're back on board for the Macratty investigation.
It's good to have you back, Jack.
I'm doing this for Todd - and the owl.
Not you.
You're nothing to me.
I wouldn't cross the street to watch you urinate into a teacup.
I'm sorry about Kate.
Don't you EVER say her name.
What, Kate? Gah! Stop it! Jack, stop it.
No-one's expecting you to like each other.
But you're working together.
Think of Todd.
Oh, fuck Todd.
Oh! I'm sorry you had to hear that, Mrs McCluskey.
And I'm sure Jack is sorry too.
Oh Both of you shake hands.
I'll shake your hand.
But don't expect me to hold you down and kiss you roughly on the mouth.
I don't.
Guy in the T-shirt is one of Macratty's goons.
You and Des go see what you can get out of him.
Is Macratty in? Who wants to know? Police.
Not here.
What's your name? Who wants to know? Us again.
Hairy hand.
Oh, you can read then, whoever you are.
They call me Bullock.
Yah! Has Macratty been here today? Who wants to know? Tell you what, Bullock.
I'll make it simple.
Where were you Wednesday morning, 12:30? And before you ask who wants to know, I do.
I was here.
All day.
Anyone that can back that up? Tumbler can.
Isn't that right Tumbler? He was here all day.
Where'd you get the tattoo? I don't ask questions.
Don't you? Who wants to know? Thought you said you don't ask questions.
Where will we find Macratty? By the way there's something I'm not telling you.
There's something he's not telling us.
Not yet.
Not with his mouth.
What does that mean? I don't know.
Our first mark.
Street-name, "Bullock.
" Tattoo puts him at the scene.
Get close to Bullock, he'll lead us straight to Macratty.
The question is, how do we earn his trust? With some sausages? With a disguise.
I'm going undercover.
If they find out you're police, they'll shoot you in the head.
So what? Or cut your throat open and pull your tongue through the hole so it flops around like a necktie.
Nothing I can't handle.
Or drive you to Swanage and just leave you there.
I love Swanage.
Jack, they're right.
You can't go undercover, it's too risky.
You could die.
I've got nothing to live for anyway.
That's not true, Jack.
Isn't it? What do I have to look forward to? I don't even have any DVD box sets on the go.
Things change, Jack.
Pain never changes.
Look at me.
I've lost everything I ever cared about.
Even my shoes.
Not everything, Jack.
Can't you see? You'd be kissing a dead man.
Fellating a corpse.
Rimming a I don't care.
Maybe not.
But so do I.
Hello? Anne Oldman? It's pronounced "Old Man.
" Who is this? Mayor-in-waiting Hope Goodgirl.
Pronounced just how I said it.
Is this a good time? Who gave you this number? 999? You're in the book.
This better be important.
I don't have time for a sub-plot right now.
I'll keep it short.
The future fascinates me.
Does it fascinate you? Yes.
No I don't know.
Well, it should.
I'd like to discuss your future.
Maybe over dinner? OK, fine, whatever.
Sappho restaurant Ladyglove Street.
Don't let me down.
These guys are ruthless criminals.
The only way to earn their respect is to walk in there and pay them absolutely no respect.
This wire of yours better be discreet.
Don't worry, guv.
It's invisible to the naked eye.
Apart from this transmitter.
The important thing about these operations is to stay in character.
So, ask me some questions.
Test me.
Where'd you get the goods from? Stole them.
You done time? Five-stretch, Belmarsh, GBH.
Kicked a nonce to death with his own leg.
You a copper? Probably not.
What's your name? Jack.
That IS your name.
This is spelt J-A-C-Q-U-E-S.
But pronouncing it "Jack" means that if anyone calls my name I'll react naturally, as though Jack was my name - which it is.
Try it.
Jack? Yeah.
Jack, wait Don't forget which side you're on.
I'm not on a side.
I'm on the edge, and edges don't have sides.
No, I meant this side opens onto the road.
Check it out.
What's your name? Jacques.
Pronounced "Jack.
" Jack what? My surname? It's, er Copper Jack Copper? Pronounced "Coppaire.
" Jack Coppaire.
Do you have a name, or do you just go by that distinctive odour? Bullock.
I don't like smart arses.
Uh-huh? What kind do you like? Little pink ones? He's a comedian.
Tell us a joke, funny man.
What's the difference between a King Edward and your mother? Surprise me.
One's a potato.
The other's a whore.
He's going to over-cock.
Jack knows what he's doing.
Augh-augh-augh Mm-mm-mm Ohh Augh-augh-augh Ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh Oh-oh-oh-oh Augh-augh-augh Pffrrt-pffrrt-pffrrt Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm Mmmm.
That's your mother on What's My Line.
Hope you like the taste of fists, funny man.
Not as much as she does.
Although she doesn't take them orally.
He's right.
It's a car.
I've seen cars before.
But you break that car down and you've got at least Ј400-worth of scrap metal on your hands.
400? You can get your hands on more motors, can you? Is the Pope a Catholic? What's a "Pope"? I can get more motors than you can think of.
More than six? Will they all have wheels? Doors too.
And not just cars.
Trains, planes, submarines, mole-machines.
You want a battleship? I can hotwire one like that.
Now, do we have a deal, or are we just jerking each other's tits here? Let's go see the boss.
Sounds like we're in.
Mr Macratty.
This calls itself Jack Coppaire.
Does she, now? Nice place if you're into shit.
We've got to get him out of there.
Not yet.
Just give him a chance.
I don't like lip.
More of an arse man? Like boyfriend, like son? Get us a pint of milk on your way to the afterlife.
Guv! Let's get him out of there.
Shoot me if you want.
But I've got something you need.
Oxygen? Wait Jack's up to something.
Where's this "merchandise"? Let's just say I had to bring it through customs In my brown suitcase.
It still there? I don't walk this way out of choice.
Bullock, take a look.
What's happening? Sounds like someone's pulling a large skittle out of a bucket of wet clay They've thrown summat on the table.
What is it? A kind of furniture.
And the thing they threw? According to the waveforms it's a kilo of pharmaceutical grade heroin.
From the vice squad tuck shop.
Jack! You've forgotten which side you're on.
Maybe you should've washed your hands before dinner.
Well? Looks like I'm about to make a new friend.
I'm not on Facebook.
That could've been sticky.
Does this burn DVDs? Take a good look.
Because this is Michael Macratty.
I thought he'd be bigger.
And rounder.
And have arms and legs.
Well, this is just a photograph.
The real Macratty's 3D and in colour.
Like Toy Story 3? Of course I like Toy Story 3, it's absolutely magical but that's irrelevant, Des.
We need to take a good hard look at Macratty close up and keep looking at him close up, no matter who or what gets in the way.
Even if it means we have to steal heroin from the vice squad tuck shop to earn his trust? You can't wipe away vile human scum without getting your fingernails dirty.
Ask my cleaning lady, she'll tell you.
In Polish.
But you stealing that heroin makes no sense, guv.
Why? Because it's wrong? Because you weren't even working here when Boss said it'd gone, back at the bank.
So? So, it's against all established rules of narrative.
I don't have time for rules of narrative.
But in terms of continuity alone Forget continuity! Sometimes you've got to break the law to protect the law.
I'll steal that heroin before it exists if I have to.
And there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me.
Jack! You're forgetting which side you're on.
Not Macratty's side.
Our side.
Work it out amongst yourselves.
I've got somewhere to be.
I love eating out.
Do you love eating out? I love eating out.
Oh, um, I'll have the lesbian special, please.
Mm-hm, OK.
Um Why don't you try the clam? It comes drenched in its own juices.
You'll lap it up.
I'll take that.
Here's to our future job prospects.
"Our" prospects? When I become mayor, which I will I'll need a new chief of police.
What? What about Tom Boss? Tom Boss will be replaced.
He'll be devastated to lose his job.
He's a big man, he can take it.
He's a great policeman.
Who murdered 13 people.
Apart from that.
A leopard can't change its tune.
Maybe you should keep an eye on him.
When he's not near a sword, I trust Tom Boss with my life.
I like that.
And you're upfront.
Upfront is good.
Do you like it upfront? Or would you prefer us to lie side by side and rub our fannies together like two pieces of chamois leather? In the nude.
I look forward to us working together.
I think your clam is ready.
And it's absolutely steaming.
I think Macratty's about to say some important dialogue to Jack.
I think you might be able to help me out with something, Jack.
I need an extra pair of hands on a job that's coming up, someone high up is calling.
The big man needs us to hit the local museum, top secret, top dollar, top pocket, top gear, top bollocks, top hat, white tie and tails.
We're not meant to talk about that.
What if someone's listening on headphones? Shut it.
No, the big man said we're not meant to I said shut it! Eat your lolly.
There's someone above Macratty.
Run a search for "big man".
I'm on it.
OK got a description for "big man.
" Black, well-built, distinctive ribs, wipes clean for storage, twin-speed with pulse function, takes 4 AA batteries.
Add it to the shopping basket.
Stay loyal, and I'll look after you, Coppaire.
Betray me and I'll rip you inside out from your arsehole to your teeth.
You'll be staring at the back of your own head while I use your guts for a skipping rope.
I'll tear you into eight pieces and rearrange you into sort of an octopus.
Darling? Katya.
Everything is OK? I hear men-voices and I scared.
Just business talk, sugar-slit.
Want you to meet our new friend Jacques, Katya.
Hello Jacques.
It's pronounced "Jack".
I think you should extend Mr Coppaire the usual hospitality.
Yes, darling.
I don't need second-hand goods.
Mr Macratty doesn't like having his generosity slung back in his face.
And I don't like it rammed down my throat.
No, but Katya does.
Eh?! Go on, son.
She gwan gobble yuh up like rice and pea.
She slurp yuh down to yuh bone marrow, leave you wid hollow legs bwoy.
Hear mi now? She gwan suck out all the know-how in yuh brain, till yuh drooling inna cripple style like dem Diving Bell Butterfly, Mistah Man.
Yeah That's enough Nigel.
This is a classy establishment.
Let's go and listen to them do it.
I wanna hear it going in to see if he's a cop or not.
Ahh You don't have to do this.
You don't have to do that.
You don't have to touch those.
I don't want to hear this.
I'll cover it.
Leave me in here, if you like.
Come, take off shirt.
Just play with those for an hour, that'll do me.
I want to see what you have under here.
Why so shy? Why you? What is this? Oh, my God.
She must've found his cable.
Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? This shaver with bullet in? It has sentimental value.
Augh! I wondered why I put that in there.
No, I'll keep my clothes on.
That's the way I like it.
Complex body-image issues.
You stay dress while do me up like this.
I don't think my old man would approve.
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Look, I had quite a big breakfast.
You must have me.
Fried bread and everything, so Please.
Mr Macratty he throws me out on streets if I not satisfy his man-guests.
Well, I'll just tell him I was satisfied.
They listen outside.
We must have sex on here now.
Jack! Jack! Augh Jack! Wait Bloody hell He's turned on.
Oh, yeah Ah, ah Ohh Bloody hell, that's Ohh Oh, God Oh, yeah You like bum and also buttock? Oh Both halves of the bum are great.
Come round to front OK Conventional orifice is nicer.
Jack's forgotten which side he's on.
Do you think she'll blow it? Iam in your balls.
He's in too deep.
If he doesn't pull out soon there'll be one hell of a mess in there.
Oh Oh Oh Oh, oh Aah! Aah! Ohh! Aah! Ohhh.
You're not like others, Jack.
Most men do sex, then turn over and snore and do guff stink from poo-pipe.
You different.
And you're too good for this.
I know.
Mr Macratty ship me from homeland inside big tin.
He promise a good job as CEO of Marks & Spencer with own car, health insurance and share options.
But when I get here It only last nine years.
Now he treat me like rubber dolly full of air with mouth like this I miss family back in Fokkraine.
My little brother Lukaz he loss eyesight working in egg mine.
My mother go mad, grow beard.
How they cope? Now Mr Macratty say museum job very shocking and important, writer's not certain this plot point quite clear, so they record me, say this later.
That's why picture still on you and not show me talk.
Macratty also say he kill anyone who get in way.
I not know what to do.
You am help me? I am help you.
Thank you.
Time to die.
We have Des Sergeant here, vouched for by our man Coppaire.
Des is the best shot on the force.
And when I say "on the force," I mean "in the world of crime.
" We can't do this.
You're injured.
I'll bleed when I'm dead.
That's not how blood works.
Call the papers, tell them Mr Boss has taken leave of his senses.
You'll regret this.
And that his breath smells of quavers.
Time to die again.