A Touch of Cloth (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 2

There was a bank job.
I read about it on the radio.
Don't tell me he's dead.
Is he dead? Yes.
Ah! I said don't tell me! I'm going undercover.
Looks like I'm about to make a new friend.
I'm not on Facebook.
I look forward to us working together.
That hand killed my wife.
Actually that was this hand.
I need an extra pair of hands on a job that's coming up.
No, the Big Man said we're not meant to I said shut it! Eat your lolly.
We must have sex on here now.
I don't want to hear this.
Mr Macratty say museum job very shocking and important.
You am help me? I am help you.
Thank you.
Surely, when you're a police officer, you don't have sex when you're undercover.
Or if you do, you stick to missionary.
Officers are just people.
Take me.
When the public look at me, they see an ambitious, confident woman, destined to rule over millions.
What they don't see is the frightened little girl behind the politician.
Jenny, go to bed, me and the nice police lady are going to have sex.
What?! I didn't come here for that.
We both know that's not true.
We can't do this.
Don't forget, this week it's Help a Blameless Child, your chance to help a kiddiewink in need.
They really do need your help, so please tune in this Friday.
Macratty's been getting inside information on these bank jobs.
Now, he's got a new plan.
A bigger plan.
That's why this is a two-parter.
But why the museum? Whatever that's about, it's incredibly important.
I've got to stay in there, stay close to Macratty, keep on top of those people around him, keep pumping, pumping, pumping, till something comes up.
Like Katya? Yes, I like Katya.
But not the way you're thinking.
I thought sex was a fragile, precious thing to you.
That's what you used to shout when you were doing me from behind.
At least now I know the truth.
You just ejaculate blankly and move on.
You're no better than Iain Duncan Smith.
I didn't do anything with Katya! I've got to stay undercover.
We just pretended to have sex.
Yeah, look at that nice bum.
You like bum and also buttock.
We had to, Macratty was listening outside, we had to be completely convincing so Macratty wouldn't guess what we were up to.
Oh! Yeah, put your clothes on now, while I mop my enormous penis clean.
Dammit! I'm this close! Down.
Better? Get down! Hello, hello, hello Enjoying your water, Miss Piggy? I'm trying to eat.
You should try the breakfast.
I hear it's great.
How's yours, pal? It's not what you think! I'm my twin brother.
He'll blow my cover, come on! Oh! Help a blameless Oh! Help a oh! Macratty, it's Tumbler! Coppaire's a copper.
He's calling Macratty, Jack! Do you hear me? A copper! A pig, a snout, a filth, a fuzz, a policeman! Probably got the hat and everything.
The moment you hear this, have him killed.
All right? All right.
Come on, Tumbler! We know where you are.
Shit! Police! Oldman! Old Man! Drop it! Still drop it! I hope you like mortuary food.
Jesus H Bomb.
What kind of monster would do that? Five of kings.
That is impressive.
And here's me with nothing more than the 13 of cocks.
Nigel, scotch.
Me not got no more scotch! Me's only got Dutch whiskey.
Scotch.
Office.
You.
Get.
Did we ever officially identify this poor soul? Yes, but it wasn't easy.
His DNA was crushed beyond all recognition.
Just like your career prospects.
If we hadn't stopped him, the case would never be closed.
Just like your legs.
Bloke-bird.
Jezebel.
Fucker.
Tit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my suspects 100% less killed.
This operation had better be going somewhere.
Macratty's planning a heist for someone called The Big Man.
We need to stick to him like pubes on soap.
We've already got enough to have Macratty sent down for weeks, maybe even fortnights.
You had no permission to run this wire.
Your "evidence" has broken every rule in the book.
Habeas corpus.
Sanguis bibimus.
Agnus Dei-ton.
File this under "shreds".
But You went against a direct order.
And Cloth's forgotten which side he's on.
Pull him off the case.
He's already fingered Macratty.
I don't care if he's fingered Condoleezza Rice, I said pull him off.
Or do I have to go next door and pull him off myself?! Be the first hands-on police work YOU'VE ever done.
I see your subtle undercover operation continues apace.
You made so much mess it showed up on Google Earth.
You were off the chart back there.
Away with the fairies.
Out of Africa.
On the buses.
I can't stop now, I am THIS close to forgetting which side I'm on.
It's over.
Finito, what the Norwegians call Feenee-toss.
If I get so much of a whiff that you're still pursuing this, I'll find the staff rota and have you cut from the same.
But CUT from the same, Cloth! He can't shut us down.
I'm THAT close.
I can't keep covering for you, Jack.
First the tuck shop heroin, now this.
Boys down the station think you've forgotten which side you're on.
That's not true and you know it.
Jack Coppaire.
Jack, we need to have a chat.
Things we need to discuss.
I'll be right there.
Good.
So, what's up? You heard about Tumbler? What about him? He got killed 19 minutes ago.
Someone put a bulldozer through his head.
You found out quickly.
It's trending on Twitter.
What would you know about that? It's a social networking service that lets celebrities communicate with sycophants.
And Tumbler? Dunno, does he have an account? Not now he's dead.
How do you think that happened? Maybe he got sloppy.
So sloppy they had to sluice him off the ground with a hose.
Where were you when this was going on? I had some unfinished shopping.
Give him a seat.
Know what I think? You're a stool pigeon.
A snake.
A seat pig.
A bench rat.
A shit bull! Two shitbulls barking up a piss-pipe with the word 'copper' on top in big police coloured writing.
Maybe - but I'm NOT a cop.
Slap him.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blow your brains out right now.
They'll stain your lair.
Tickle him.
You disappoint me, Jack.
I told you.
I'm not a cop.
Ask me how much I like doing crime, out of ten.
You'd be surprised.
Why don't we put that to the test? Bring him in.
This is Twitch.
Twitch let me down, didn't you, Twitch? Got trigger-happy in a bank, shot a former EastEnder.
Shoot him.
What? Shoot him in the head.
What you waiting for? Come on.
Do it for me! Do it.
You didn't think I'd hand you a loaded gun, did you? This one, on the other hand At least we know you're not a policeman.
A pig wouldn't have been able to pull the trigger.
Because pigs have trotters.
Anyway.
Now we're a man short for the museum job.
Need some new muscle.
Someone smart.
Know anyone with brains I can stomach? I'll chew it over.
You do that.
Ours is a proud city, a city I'm proud to serve and I'm not ashamed to say that, I am PROUD.
In fact I'm proud of that pride, but the city also has a sickness at its heart, a sickness of crime.
We need boots on the ground, fists in the face.
But this isn't just about tackling crime, it's about tackling the fear of crime.
Our police need to be more visible, that's why my front-line initiative won't just put 1,000 extra bobbies on every single street of this city, but will dress them in these.
Nincompiffle.
Some might call this nincompiffle.
But those backward thinkers are precisely the kind of people I'll replace as Chief of Police when I become your mayor.
A vote for Goodgirl is a vote for hope.
One of you needs to join me undercover.
Make no mistake, entering Macratty's world means walking from the side of justice right into a sewer.
That's a sewer side mission.
We need someone who can assume a character and be utterly convincing.
If only Todd was still here.
I won't lie to you.
Out of ten, your chances of survival are nought.
Out of five, not much better.
To volunteer for this, you'd have to be crazy or foolhardy.
What does foolhardy mean? OK, Des, you're in.
Nice one, Guv.
Wait.
What about Bullock? He met Des at the scrap yard, he even mentioned how hairy his hands were.
Hairy hand.
He's going to clock that immediately and shoot him in the head.
That's just a risk he'll have to take.
He'll shoot you too.
Well, dammit, who else can do it?! Who haven't they seen yet?! If we shave Des's hands, they won't recognise him! Nice work, Asap.
Des, you're going to have to be as sharp as him, or your life's on the line here.
Macratty's gang's got a vacancy, the question is, can you fillet? I spent a summer in a fishmonger's deboning salmon That's good to know but be warned, this is going to take every ounce of spunk you can muster, Des.
If you come, I'll expect you to cover my back and I mean completely cover it.
Had yoghurt for breakfast, Guv.
OK! Let's car.
Excuse me, sir, no men allowed.
I don't give a toss about your penophobic door policy, I'm important and angry and you must let me through in that order.
Ah, Mr Boss, how nice of you to interrupt our regular power lunch for a friendly shout.
I don't care for upstart politicians who publicly undermine me in print.
Would you prefer it in person? Ladies, this is Tom Boss, he's a twat.
You'd do well to remember that you're not mayor yet, and fortunes change quickly in politics.
One minute you're taking Marilyn Monroe up the Oval Office, the next you've soiled a car seat by a school book depository.
Call the papers, tell them Mr Boss has taken leave of his senses.
You'll regret this.
And that his breath smells of Quavers.
I may be leaving, but I'm not going anywhere, you won't get rid of me without a fight.
I hope that's not a threat, Mr Boss.
I suppose you do, Miss Goodgirl, I suppose you do.
OK.
Should be undetectable unless you cough or bend over suddenly.
Let's go over your cover story one more time.
Who are you? I'm me.
Good.
And where did you two meet? Guardian Soulmates.
Oh, come on, Des, focus.
Sorry, Guv.
And stop deferring to me.
You're not a cop, you're a criminal.
In there, it's dog eat dog.
It's a cathouse.
A horse fight.
A cow poke.
Concentrate.
Where did we meet? I was doing a five stretch in Belmarsh.
How come you bonded? He got me a job in the prison aquarium.
What were you in for? Swearing.
What's your blood group? D minus.
Who created Super Mario? Shigeru Miyamoto.
Where was he born? Kyoto, Japan.
What year? Uhh 19 Uh You better hope this doesn't come up.
'52.
Bonus round.
What do you get when you kiss a girl? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
And after you do? She'll never phone ya.
I'll? Never fall in love again.
You're ready.
Let's go.
Right.
Listen up.
This is the big one.
If you can't hack it, there's always the door.
Door's locked, boss.
Some new meat round the table, so I'll do the how-d'yer-dos.
Me, you know.
Bullock.
Tiger.
Animal.
Coppaire.
Sadly Tumbler, as you all know, has passed on, due to circumstances and a bulldozer beyond his control.
So taking his place is Des Sergeant here, vouched for by our man Coppaire.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Depends if you watch your mum with her clients.
Let me see your hands.
How do we know you're clean? You can sniff me arse if you like.
We don't need another joker on this job, we need somebody who can handle a shooter.
Des is the best shot on the force.
And when I say "on the force", I mean "in the world of crime".
I hope you're right.
Right.
Enough of the Loose Women.
Got a job to do.
City of Town Museum.
A dusty retirement home for cultural hand-me-downs, historical bric-a-brac.
Also selling novelty pens, postcards, and the educational Dino-Cress.
Has it got an owl? No.
But what it does have is this - the largest exhibit of diamonds, rubies, coins, cocaine, gold bullion and more diamonds ever assembled.
Culture section in the Independent gives it five stars, says you should "Fight for a ticket".
The Times calls it "truly dazzling".
I say "let's nick it.
" Main road here.
Entrance here.
Side exits here, here, here.
Any questions? How's the security? Tight.
One whole guard.
Working legs? Two of them.
And here he is, Doug Handler.
Head of Security.
51, 6'2".
12-10.
6:30 to 12:00, six days a week, 18K per annum, bonus ball 16.
He's a man of routine.
19:30 to 20:00, walks the perimeter.
20:02, does a little burp.
20:04, bends down to pick up a discarded bag.
That's where you come in.
We'll never fit in that bag.
You won't have to.
You'll be outside in the van.
Tiger, you drive.
Pick some proper music this time, none of your Leonard Cohens.
'That's more like it.
'Make your way up to the museum just after closing time.
'Get yourselves fired up, ready to take on the guard as he's 'sitting there obliviously reading a book with a portentous title.
'He'll put down his book to go about his rounds.
'When he stretches, he lets out a sigh' 'Covers the approach of your van.
'They've put up a new poster for the swimwear exhibit.
'You have to allow three extra seconds for him 'to look at that before he carries on his way.
'Then he goes outside for a smoke.
'He knows he shouldn't, but he's addicted.
'It's a bittersweet habit for him because it reminds him of Michelle.
' Michelle Now, she was a girl.
Time they spent together in the summer of '78.
He thought it would last for ever.
But, of course, nothing lasts for ever, gentlemen.
So here he is now, just another poor schlub with a bad habit and a worse back.
And no Michelle.
Smoke it up, mate, bollocks to everything, yeah? 'Anyway, when he lights up, be ready, cos the moment he coughs into his hand' is the moment you unleash hell.
Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go go, go, go, go, get in there! Go, go, go, go, go.
20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 Ten Nine Eight Seven Seven Seven Go, go, go.
Six Go, go, go.
Five Four Oi! Three Two I'm Just going to get my nephew one of those Dino-cress things from the gift shop.
Seriously, I will be ONE second.
This diamond job is a smoke screen.
There's something else in that museum we're after.
The Big Man's offered top dollar for it.
This is where you'll find it.
Sweet child of mine! Oldman.
Old man.
Macratty's not after the diamonds, that's a decoy.
The real target is a nuclear detonator.
A nuclear whatanator? It means there's a bomb out there somewhere.
Call the HAZMAT squad.
SOCO, MI5, CI5, Interpol, Dempsey, Makepeace, Earth, Wind & Fire.
Jack? Jack?! Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? Jack? I'll take that.
Jack? Jack? Jack? I'm afraid bacon boy is otherwise engaged but if you'd like to hear me blow his pig brains out, stay on the line.
I'm going to enjoy this.
Fine, shoot me like a coward.
You were always gutless.
Hanging round Macratty's tag nuts, crying because he paid me more attention than you.
You shut yer muncher! Couldn't stand the way he looked at me, could you? After everything you did for him.
You even did your hair the way he liked it.
I SAID SHUT IT! He doesn't respect you because you're weak.
WEAK! You even flinch at loud noises! You're pathetic! Purple Ronnie.
Time to die.
The bloody Time to die again.
Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack?! Jack! Jack! Jack?! Jack! Jack! JACK! Jack! Jack! Jack! JACK! JACK! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack?! Oh, help a blameless child.
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! JACK?! Jack, you're injured! I'll bleed when I'm dead.
That's not how blood works.
Come on.
Got these two, overpowered them by releasing a scent.
Where's Bullock? Got away with the detonator.
That means there's a bomb out there somewhere and I'm going to stop it, even if I die before I can.
Guv! Katya! Katya, no! What happened? Who did this to you? Mr Macratty.
He He He Try not to laugh.
I know you police, Jack.
How? The phone message.
She's going into flashback.
'Tumbler leave message, he say you copper.
'I delete before you trouble.
' Why did he do this to you? He think I tell cops about plan to steal two-stage bridgewire thermonuclear detonator - for how you say - bomb? What's the target? The Big Man wants wipe out the kids who don't be blame Help a Blameless Child.
Help a blameless child, help a blameless child.
Help a blameless child.
They're blowing up the telethon.
Somebody tell the boys down the station.
Tell the boys down the station.
You say you help me I'll help you, Katya, I'll never let anyone hurt you again.
Somebody call an ambulance.
Katya, Katya.
Stay with me.
She's gone, Jack.
NOOOOOOOO! NOOO! Don't take her, take me! No, Jack! That won't bring her back! You don't know that.
I do! I also know she wouldn't want this.
She'd want you to catch Macratty and the Big Man to stop the bomb and save the day.
That way, her death will have meaning, Jack! Otherwise she's just another dead Forkkrainian girl on a marble-effect museum floor.
Noooo! Let's go shut down this telethon.
I'll call Boss.
Whatever.
Welcome back to Help a Blameless Child, where the totaliser currently is standing at a whopping 9,575k pounds! And 432 pences.
That's amazing.
An incredible figure, but it's not over yet.
Just as well there's still plenty of goodness to come Camera two, close up on Konnie.
OK.
Camera three, on the totaliser.
Right you are.
BA753, you are clear to land, over.
Roger that, wheels to land-mode, over.
Come on, once that thing's set we've got to be at least 38 miles away or we'll be incinerated.
And I'm fond of this shirt.
Why does the Big Man want to blow this place up anyway? Climactic purposes.
Hurry up.
Set the trigger mechanism.
Come on, come on.
Boss isn't answering.
Where the hell is he? Tom Boss.
What are you doing here? Handing over a cheque some of our officers raised with a sponsored brute-ala-thon.
They threw a suspect down the stairs for seven hours.
Most admirable.
How much did you raise? 100,001 pounds.
Oh, my.
You did do well.
Yes.
Almost there, let's do a summary.
So, the Big Man paid Macratty to commit crimes And the bank jobs raised the money for bomb materials and the museum heist provided the detonator.
So The Big Man's been pulling the strings all along.
Macratty's just a puppet, like Roland Rat or the Queen.
But we still don't know who this Big Man is.
Whoever he is, he's Macratty's boss.
Boss Boss Boss Boss What about Tom Boss? He's a big man, he can take it.
I'm the big man round here.
Boss! Boss is the Big Man.
Why would Boss blow up the telethon? Boys down the station think Goodgirl's planning to get rid of him.
And she's presenting a cheque.
Come on! Guv, Guv! Sorry, sir, that corridor leads into the bowels of the building into which no-one shall pass.
Is there a lavatory down there? Yes.
Well, then let me through, I ate some undercooked chicken earlier and my backside is about to be sick.
Now, listen.
Do you want me to stand here and defecate? With celebrities present?! No.
Well, let me through.
Wow, so a big hand everyone for Hope Goodgirl! Police, police, get out of my way.
Police, police! Police.
Clear the way! Where did that come from? I'll check it out.
You two take the gallery.
Look, sorry you can't come through here, this is restrict So really, any time, here's my card.
Oh, thanks, but You will take it.
That's what I like to see.
Police! What's going on? There's a nuclear device in this building.
We need to shut down this broadcast now.
But it's for charity.
Millions will die if you don't evacuate now.
But Richard from Pointless is about to juggle grapefruit.
All right, after that.
But not a moment later.
OK, Richard, stand by.
Give it up, Tom.
It's over.
I said give it up! He can't hear you, Coppaire.
The blast from my gun popped his eardrums.
Why do you think I'm wearing these protective headphones? What protective headphones? What? Will you at least let me warn the talent? Just do it.
Rufus, Konnie? Guys, it's going really well, great energy, but there is a nuclear bomb in the building so we might have to wrap things up a bit early.
All right.
So will we throw to an ad break or? Yeah, maybe, we're going to play that by ear.
Cool.
You thought you could fool me, Coppaire.
I knew you were filth from the start.
No, you never.
But Boss was the Big Man.
He just come in here looking for the toilet.
He was never the Big Man.
Well, that only leaves one other major character.
You didn't honestly think a powerful lesbian would turn out to be benevolent, did you? That must never be allowed to happen.
But why do this? Isn't it obvious? Celebrities and blameless children, blasted to oblivion on live television? In HD? The viewers would be horrified.
Then they'd watch it a second time on catch-up and be horrified all over again.
The word "yikes" would trend on Twitter for 100,000 years.
And when the public is afraid, they yearn for a strong hand to guide them.
Someone with a record for being tough on crime.
And the City of Town is just the start.
Once I control this backwater, who knows where I'll rule next? I could take this to Downing Street or Swanage.
I love Swanage.
I love Swanage.
I love Swanage.
I love Swanage.
You're insane.
Is it insane to thirst for power? Is it insane to reach out and take what's yours, even when it isn't? Is it insane to stand naked, bathed in the moonlight, screaming "I laugh at the blood of the fallen, for I am the taker of souls"? Yes, it is.
I don't want to rush you Hope, but we'd best shit off out of here before this goes pop.
Agreed.
You're going to like this Cloth, that bomb is hooked up to the totaliser.
What? The moment the donations hit ten million, then farewell, blameless children, and hello, Fuhrer Goodgirl.
Not if I shoot you from the ground unexpectedly first.
Ow! Come on, Macratty, come on.
Turn yourself in, while there's still time.
Work it up, you dirt box.
Oldman - The Big Man is Goodgirl.
I repeat - the Big Man is Goodgirl.
Oh, my God.
Goodgirl's the Big Man? That too, and listen, the bomb is linked to the totaliser.
If it hits ten million, it'll blow.
I'll take care of Goodgirl.
You stop the viewers donating any more money.
How am I going to do that? Use the autocue.
You'd better hurry.
We're coming back from a break in five four three Hello and welcome back to Help a Blameless Shit, where our totaliser currently stands at more than we need and every penny you donate is spent on providing backrubs for racists.
Yeah, because most of the kids we've shown you are simply making their symptoms up.
In fact, the only thing they're suffering from is acute lying syndrome.
And remember every child you've seen tonight is a holocaust denier.
Oh, keep still I'm trying! No, hold his head.
I'm trying.
Argh.
This one's for Tumbler.
This one's for Bullock.
No, you killed Bullock, actually.
Do you want me to shoot you again? No, thank you.
And this one's for being a What does it taste of? Copper.
Thanks, Oldman.
Old man.
Thanks, old man.
Goodgirl's still out there.
I'm on it.
Tom! It's no good, Jack, it's not good.
I'm fading everything's turning sepia No! Tom, stay with me, hold on.
Hold on.
So George Osborne is standing inside this costume, right now, with a huge erection and the more money you pledge, the harder it gets.
So for God's sake, stop pledging money, you dreadful, stinking scum.
Get out of my way! Hope, no! Venereal disease, Ebola virus and pancreatic cancer.
Camera three, close-up on the dark-haired one kneeing the other one in the face, camera two, see if you can get an up-skirt shot Konnie, it's not safe! Come on! We could have gone places together you and I.
Like Centre Parcs? Yes, like Centre Parcs! I offer you love and boundless power and you toss it all away.
For what? A man called Cloth? Yes.
Well.
I hope it was worth it.
Camera one, a bit of windpipe has just landed in Rufus' hair, zoom in on that.
Camera two, close up on the owl's wound.
Camera one, see if you can get me something, anything with the geckos.
Thank you, Jack.
You need to brush your teeth.
I never can save the good ones.
Kate, Todd, Katya.
A stranger dressed as an owl.
Owls die, Jack.
You taught me that.
Coming for a drink, Guv? I've got to be somewhere.
I'll give you a lift.
I'll walk.
But you live 12 miles away.
And you're barefoot.
And it's freezing.
Do I? Am I? Is it? I hadn't noticed.
I thought maybe you and I could catch up.
I'm catching up with someone else.
But I don't understand.
Nor do I.
That's just how feelings work.
But you hate him.
Love and hate don't mean anything, they're just words we use to describe meaningful feelings.
He killed your wife.
No-one's perfect.
But I love you, Jack! I love you! Anne, you're a lesbian.
You've forgotten which side you're on.
You can't love him, you're straight.
Bi, Anne.
Blameless child? We're all women on the first day.
Is it that obvious I'm new? Welcome to the rest of your life.
Welcome to Hell.
Oh, I got you that Twix, Guv.
Thank you.
It's my brother.
Your brother? His brother? His brother.
You don't have any respect for anything with knockers or a fanny.
I believe the medical term is quim, inspector.
Des, I would love to invite you upstairs but But, this car hasn't got an upstairs.
It's good to know there are female officers I can really look up to round here.
Please, not the face, it has sentimental value.
Noooooo!