Abby's (2019) s01e01 Episode Script


1 [UPBEAT MUSIC] "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live, outdoor audience.
- Three bucks.
- Hold on.
I got a proposition for you.
I am here on this stool every night for five hours.
I haven't missed a day in three years.
Yes, you're the Cal Ripken of low-grade alcoholism.
Thank you.
I believe my being on this stool creates a festive drinking atmosphere, and I should be compensated for that.
With free drinks.
What you got there, Beth? Dartboard.
I bought it for my boys, but, uh, five minutes in, they were just throwing darts at each other's faces, laughing and screaming, blood everywhere.
I think they might be legitimate psychos.
And I might be a terrible mom.
Oh, well.
Abby, can we keep it? I'm not sure how the scoring works, but I'm willing to waste a lot of time on the Internet trying to figure it out.
I mean, I got a dentist appointment tomorrow, but other than that, I ain't got nothing for months.
I wanna hear pros and cons.
Pros: it it's darts.
It's fun.
Case closed.
- Yeah.
- Uh, con: drunk people throwing pointy things.
- Big con.
- Yeah.
Pro: you don't have to be athletic to be good at it, and I'm saying that because I'm not athletic.
I'm big, so people assume I am, and then they get me on the field, and they be like, "Nah.
" Con: darts feels kind of British.
- Ew.
- Hold on, though.
Is darts British? Are you fact-checking me, Fred? No, I'm just I I'm not sure that darts is British.
Well, I mean, you're either fact-checking me, or you're just, uh talking.
Come on, Fred, do it.
Don't let her psych you out.
- [EXHALES] - Yeah, Fred, go for it.
- It's fine.
Do it.
- Don't.
Don't do it.
- Fine.
Challenge! - [BELL DINGS] - Ha! - Ha! You idiot.
To the books.
You feeling confident? Yes.
Okay, here we go.
"Darts: created in 1896 by a Lancashire carpenter.
" [IN BRITISH ACCENT] And where is Lancashire, James? [SIGHS] Lancashire uh No, James.
That was rhetorical.
Lancashire is obviously in England.
It's a very English word.
I'm right.
In accordance with rule number seven, the punishment for losing a challenge, I present you with one sugary, disgusting, lime-flavored not-beer.
The smell.
Why do people do this to alcohol? [MELLOW ROCK MUSIC] [EXCITED CHATTER] Abby, wait.
Can we keep the dartboard? I'm okay with it as long as you figure out a good place to put it.
- How about the back fence? - No, that's too low.
You need something eye level.
What if we asked Skip to move? I'm not asking Skip to do anything.
He might yell.
And I don't like confrontation.
You're the bouncer.
I know.
It's messed up.
[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me.
Where can I find Abby? - Ooh.
- Well.
[LAUGHS] Buddy, you don't just waltz in here and ask for Abby.
Drinking here is a coveted honor.
You have to work your way up the ladder.
Yeah, there's a vetting process for new people.
First three weeks, you're on the back benches.
You keep your voice down.
You drink what Abby tells you.
- Actually, I - Too loud.
Half that.
Eyes down.
And after three weeks, if you're chill, you move on to the random chairs section.
Yeah, you stick it out at the chairs - for three to six months - Mm.
You're a full-fledged member.
You can sit at the bar.
It's a bit of a process, but once you're in, you're family.
You never drink alone again.
What the hell are you talking about? You what is this? Who are all these people here? This is Abby's.
This is where we go to drink and hang out, 'cause we like it.
- Who are you? - Bill.
I'm Abby's landlord.
What? No, you're not.
My landlord is an old lady.
James, kick him out.
No, this is not my new sweater.
This is my it's my first time wearing it here.
Yeah, so, your former landlord, Alice, passed away.
She left me this house.
I'm her nephew, Bill.
Is this a bar in my aunt's backyard? What? No, no.
These are all just my friends.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
Just people who happen to know each other.
- Emergency contacts.
- Yeah.
We just, like, hang out like this, - all together in a group.
- Mm-hmm.
With a cash register.
I collect old cash registers, as do many other people.
- What people? - People that I shouldn't have jumped in.
- Could I get a beer, please? - Sure, man.
Here you go.
Okay, it's three bucks, right? Whoa.
Whoa, there, friend.
Why are you giving me money? Mi casa es su casa.
[CHUCKLES] Weird move giving her money for a beer in a social, non-business situation? Who does that? Just drink the beer, man.
No, this is a bar on my property.
I mean, this is super illegal.
You gotta shut this down right now.
Look, you weren't expecting this.
I get it.
But before you rush to judgment, let me at least show you around.
I mean, it's it's really great.
It's not scary at all.
"Show me around"? I mean, this is a small rectangle, and I'm very tall.
I can see everything.
- The chairs, the - Just bear with me? Okay.
Um, all right.
Over here.
When I first moved in, there was this creepy fountain thing over here, so I junked it, and I brought in this cool vintage jukebox.
You know, my uncle carved that fountain out of a single piece of stone.
[CLICKS TONGUE] It was there to commemorate a World War II battle where he lost his best friend.
- And now it's a jukebox.
- [CLEARS THROAT] What kind of music do you like? I like jazz, actually.
[GLASS THUDS] You, uh, not a fan? Not a fan of jazz, Bill.
Okay, but hold on a second.
What about saxophones? I mean, saxophones are cool.
Yeah, so cool.
Um I like how they curve.
And how people close their eyes when they play them, I guess.
Let's move on.
Neighborhood people, just hanging out, having a good time.
Before I opened this place, there was nowhere for us to go.
We were all just scattered to the wind.
This is more than just a bar, Bill.
It's it's a community center.
That is very moving.
Uh, I was told that you force people to sit here until you decide you don't hate them anymore.
No, people choose to sit here until we figure out how to incorporate them into the community.
- Uh, hi there, friend.
- Hmm? Uh, my name's Bill.
This is my property.
I just wanted to come over here and give you permission to sit or stand anywhere you want.
I'm fine.
Okay, this is insane.
She's not an emperor.
I don't think this is working.
He's a jazz fan, Beth.
How am I supposed to convince a jazz fan of anything? His brain is warped.
Okay, here is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna turn on the charm, make him feel like he's part of the group make him feel invested, you know? Yeah.
Yeah, that could work.
Get in there.
Do your thing, man.
Hey, Bill! Buy you a beer? No, thanks.
I'm fine.
Well, that was my big gun.
We're screwed.
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC] God, I hate broken sprinklers.
Hey there, Bill.
Um I didn't have a chance to tell you how sorry I am about your aunt.
She was a a very special lady.
Really? How well did you know her? - Oh, so well.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, um I mean, I I'll never forget her address.
It was, uh, 111 Civic Center Drive, Suite 303, San Diego, California "Attention: Greg.
" That's her accountant's office.
That's where you sent your rent checks.
Did you think she lived at the civic center? Come on, man.
This bar is my livelihood, okay? It's taken me years to build it up from nothing, and I finally have it exactly the way I want it.
Nobody is bleeding.
Nothing is on fire.
- What is your problem? - What's my problem? Do you understand that I am responsible for all of this in the eyes of the law? "The eyes of the law"? I regretted saying that immediately.
Seriously, man, you walk in here with your with your pants and your orange shirt and your little cell-phone purse.
Well, I And you just start harassing me? Okay, I'm not harassing you, okay? I just can't deal with this right now.
The last year of my life has just been total chaos, you know? I I changed jobs, my marriage my marriage ended.
I I just what I'm looking for is a little stability, and you serving mai tais on my property is not stable.
Uh Abby would never serve anyone a mai tai.
She hates them.
Just throwing that out there in case it helps.
That does not help at all.
Abby, I don't wanna argue about this anymore, okay? So I'm just gonna I'm gonna document everything, and then I'm gonna get out of here, okay? Why'd you do that? Why would anyone do that? I'll go get your phone.
Hey, so I know you technically own all of this, - but that's my stool.
- Oh.
No, no, come back.
Hang out.
- Okay.
- Just scooch over a little.
I like to sit over here because I can see my kids' windows.
Oh, that's convenient.
Yeah, it's a good mom hack.
I get to unwind, but if I hear screaming or smell something burning, in a flash, I can finish my drink and get home.
So are you guys, like, regulars here? Yep.
I'm Fred.
I've known Abby since she was a kid.
I used to work with her dad.
I was one of her first customers.
Right, so how did all this happen? She was in the marines.
Two tours.
After she got out, she did some waitress jobs, but she didn't like people telling her what to do, so she started this.
She knows bars.
She grew up in bars.
Her dad's a degenerate alcoholic.
He's sexy, though.
He's a borderline criminal.
But charming, like a suave cat burglar.
Don't loan him your bike, though.
No matter how many times he asks.
Okay, I won't loan Abby's dad my bike.
Look, I know Abby seems kind of gruff, but she's thoughtful too.
When I was in bed with the flu, she took my boys to see a movie.
It was one of those "Saw" movies.
Actually messed them up pretty good.
They're, uh, different now but still, so sweet of her.
She kicked my phone.
Phones are against the rules.
- "The rules"? - Here.
- Oh.
- The bar has 162 rules and regulations.
I memorized them.
I'm sort of like the bar expert.
Maybe don't tell Abby I said that, though.
Wow, this is extensive.
"All tacos are group tacos.
" Hey, hey! That was mine! I suggested that one.
You know, I do see the appeal in having somewhere to go every night.
You know, my ex-wife, she sort of claimed all our favorite restaurants as "her territory.
" Lot of our friends, also.
And the fish.
We used to have a fish, and now it's her fish.
She took everything, is what I'm trying to say here.
- She had to be a Capricorn.
- Yikes.
- She sounds great.
- Hmm.
You know what? You need a glass.
- Oh! - Excuse me? Yeah, if you have a seat at the bar, you get your own glass, like mine.
It says "Fastline Systems" and there's a picture of a computer driving a race car.
[SNICKERS] Yeah, what what's Fastline Systems? I don't know.
- [CHUCKLES] - Hey, now.
- Ooh.
- Wow, a Viking helmet, huh? I go with my gut and my gut says "Viking helmet.
" [LAUGHTER] I know your name is Bill, but when you're holding that mug, I'm gonna call you Sven.
[CHUCKLES] - [GROUP CHEERS] - To Sven! Here you go.
Sorry about that.
You know, I was about to reflexively say "It's fine," but I'm not gonna do that because that was a very weird thing for you to do.
All right, man, you you got me backed into a corner.
You wanna see me beg? I'll beg.
Let me keep the bar open.
Oh, that's it? Yeah.
I was practically on my knees.
Okay, there might be a way to make this work.
I'm an engineer, so I believe there's a way to make everything work.
Easy with the engineer brags, buddy.
Well, even if I were to consider it, you would have to make some changes.
- What kind of changes? - Just some basic stuff.
You know, get a liquor license, uh, have an emergency plan, and and just get some business insurance, okay? - Insurance for what? - Oh, I don't know, uh okay, how about the guy playing boccie with a dart sticking out of his leg? Relax.
It's in meat, not bone.
[SHOUTS] - Oh! - Oh! [GASPS, SCREAMS] [PANTING] Yeah, I'm gonna have to insist on the insurance.
Also, you gotta lose the grill, obviously.
I can't just "lose the grill.
" It's one of the best things about the bar.
People stand around it.
They cook, they interact - They catch on fire.
- Sometimes, but they're always fine.
I'm not gonna let you ruin the bar.
Whoa, "ruin the bar"? It's just a couple of - suggestions, and I think that - It's a slippery slope, okay? I love this place too much to watch it morph into some cookie-cutter chain restaurant.
I'd rather shut it down, so drink up, everybody! Last night at Abby's! If anyone needs me, I'll be in my house getting drunk, where you can't go, so I hope you don't need me.
Also, when I was next door, I found your phone, Skip.
I think it's been back there for, like, three years.
Do you want it? Right answer.
Skip gets me! It's such a bummer.
This could've been the night we got the dartboard.
Not anymore.
Not anymore.
All right, we just have to go inside and "Go inside"? The house? That's literally rule number two.
Number one is "no visors," and number two is "no one goes inside the house.
" If we don't do something, Abby's pride is gonna get the bar shut down, and then where will we be? At home! All right.
James? Make sure Mr.
Fancy Engineer doesn't leave.
[LAUGHING] Yeah, such an intense brag out of nowhere.
I know.
"I'm an engineer.
I love math.
" [MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY] Hey, I know we're not supposed to, uh It's fine.
Make yourselves at home.
So this is your kitchen.
Cool, uh, elephant magnet.
Don't look at my stuff.
Cool, cool.
So, how're you doing? [SIGHS] It hasn't sunk in yet.
I guess I'll have to get another job at a sports bar where the guys wear their sunglasses on the back of their necks.
Abby, we can't let you do this.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm not.
I'm worried about me.
I need this bar.
I budgeted out my savings for the next 25 years.
If I gotta pay more than three bucks a beer, I'm gonna go broke by the time I'm 70.
Abs, I need the bar too.
If this thing goes away, then I have to spend more time with my family, and I love them dearly, but that's a nonstarter.
My kids are obsessed with me.
They want me to hug them and make them food.
I'm sorry guys, but I I just can't.
Okay? Now leave me alone so I can black out and forget this is happening.
Last thing I'll say: Bill is out there right now trying to figure out where to hang the dartboard.
- So? - So he's invested.
He's one of us.
He might not know it yet, but I do.
It just makes me feel like I'm a kid again, you know? When my dad would just show up out of nowhere and mess everything up? And I get that, I I really do, but I think we can trust this guy not to ruin the joint.
Besides, I am right in the middle of a game of dominoes with James.
If you close down, what are we gonna do? You know how hard it is to move a game of dominoes? It's impossible, Sarge.
The tiles go everywhere.
Thanks for the talk.
Any time.
Also, please stop calling me "Sarge.
" Ah, respectfully, I'm gonna keep on doing that 'cause it's fun.
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT] I guess the front of the bar is out because of people's faces and eyes and stuff.
Yeah, that stuff is important.
Skip seems to have his area pretty well locked down, here.
Don't look right at him! Okay.
I'm willing to try some of your changes.
What do you mean "some"? I will work on the insurance thing.
Oh, I have a friend in the insurance game.
Tons of ways to cheat the system.
But, you know, still be legal.
[QUIETLY] But sneaky.
Okay, and the emergency plan? We're outside.
The emergency plan is "remain outside.
" Okay.
What about the grill? As I've said, the grill is where people gather.
The grill is important.
- Then we don't have a deal.
- Damn it, Bill.
You can't move a game of dominoes! What? The dominoes.
If you move them mid-game, then everything gets all scrambled and ruined and you lose all the tiles.
[SIGHS] I need the people at this bar.
And they need the bar the way it is.
If they go away, I lose them.
Please, man.
[VOICE BREAKING] Abby that was so beautiful.
Okay, we'll make it work.
But I do have one more condition.
What? If we're gonna do this, I need to know that it's gonna be a partnership, okay? I'm risking a lot here, so I need you to meet me halfway.
And that's why I need you to make me a mai tai.
20 bucks says she bails.
- You're on.
- Guys.
Hey, you can do this.
We believe in you.
Actually, I I like extra cherries on mine.
[CLICKS TONGUE, INHALES] Well, you can toss this.
I don't like mai tais.
What? I I just wanted to see if you would do it.
I mean, I'm actually very surprised.
Just to compromise all your integrity like that is super humbling.
- Well played.
I was so scared just then.
I I need this drink.