Abby's (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

Rule Change

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC] "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.
Okay, tonight's round of guess that terrible Rosie drawing starts now.
Good God, that is terrible even for you.
- All right, hint.
- She's really famous.
Queen Elizabeth.
Queen Latifah.
Maybe Oprah? - Okay, hint number two.
- She's a modern singer.
Bette Midler.
What? Dude, she said modern.
Uh, well then, um Ariani Seleno.
Okay, third and final hint.
Chula Vista gas station.
- Britney Spears! - Yes! 27 seconds! I stand by Queen Latifah.
Any chance you could trim that tree by the fence? It's dropping these spiky little gumball things - into my backyard.
- Oh, I love these things.
When I was a kid, I used to make creepy little earrings out of them.
When I was a kid, my granny used to chuck 'em at me.
She was a monster.
Yeah, it's just my Jacuzzi is littered with 'em, and that's the only place at home where I can escape my boys.
When they were five, I told them the jets could suck them down the drain and spit them into the Pacific.
[LAUGHING] They still believe it.
- Oh, those dummies.
- I don't know, Beth.
I like the trees the way they are.
Plus, those branches block my view of Henry's backyard.
He swims nude.
He does yoga nude.
He teaches yoga nude.
To other nude people.
- I can't help you.
- Uh, hey, Abby.
Some of these bar rules are ridiculous.
"89: No talking about your dreams"? Well, what if you had a real doozy where you and Barack Obama opened up a restaurant toge - Uh.
- No, no, no.
All right, fine.
I can take a hint.
I know when I'm not wanted.
I was just gonna go put this quarter in the jukebox but it's Missouri! Oh, man! I've been looking for a Missouri for quite some time.
As you might have guessed, I collect the state quarters, and Missouri is well, let's just say they don't grow on trees, my friends.
[CHUCKLES] I can't use this on a dumb song.
- I'm in quite a pickle here now.
- Hey.
Lookee, I got all kinds of change here.
Why don't you go spend it.
Way over there.
- Thanks, Fred.
- Okay.
Okay, so your landlord, Bill, he's just here now, interacting with us forever? Yeah, it's a problem.
Okay, huddle up.
[CLEARS THROAT] Do you remember when we had the mice and it was impossible to enjoy ourselves? Well, this is just like the mice, okay? Don't worry.
I'll handle it.
So you're going to lure Bill into a plastic tube using peanut butter and then release him in Balboa Park? No.
Would that work, do you think? No, right? Hey, Fred.
Just an FYI.
A lot of this change is just buttons.
Hey, uh, Bill.
I feel like we've been taking up a lot of your time lately.
There must be tons of other people in your life who are just desperate to get a a hot slice of Bill.
Not really.
Most of my "friends" are at trivia night with my ex-wife, so, you know, if I showed up there, it would be a little awkward.
Well, you never know unless you try though, right? I did try last week actually.
Yeah, the only question I didn't know the answer to is, "Who is that strange man and why is his hand on my ex-wife's lower back?" You know, you're never gonna really understand the bar if you're just reading through the rules, you know? Maybe you should just go sit on the back benches.
Get to know the people.
She's right, Bill.
It's not really fair that you just got your own seat at the bar without having to come up through the ranks - like everybody else.
- Shocker.
The tall, white man got to skip to the head of the line.
come on.
I only got to skip ahead because this is my property.
And why is it your property? It's not because I'm tall or white.
It's because I inherited from my rich aunt, fair and square.
Wow, I am truly part of the problem, aren't I? So go be part of the solution.
Get on back there.
Sit amongst the people.
It'll be like "Undercover Boss.
" Except everybody knows who are you are.
And you're not the boss.
All right, I'll give it a try.
I mean, I do love "Undercover Boss.
" Those wigs.
I mean, who do they think they're kidding? So you're saying Tony Gwynn's big paunchy belly - is what made him good? - Yeah.
Fat is energy, Dale.
That's science.
Baseball, huh, guys? The ol' white ball, isn't that right? Did you guys know that the name "Padres" is actual a reference to the Franciscan priests who built missions all up and down the coast of California? Actually, have you guys ever been to the San Juan Capistrano mission? Because it is very beautiful.
I've been to Mission Burrito.
Now, that place is legit.
Damn, man, I wish we could wear sandals.
That's like 80% of the reason why I moved to San Diego.
The other 20% is military towns make me feel safe.
That's right.
Rule number 103.
No men are allowed to wear open-toed shoes in the bar because "gross, who wants to see that?" Totally untrue.
I have beautiful feet.
It's my ankles that's the problem.
If you guys wanted, I could talk to Abby about it.
- For real? - Well, yeah, I mean, I'm her landlord, and as the property owner, I should have some pull with her.
Bill, that would be amazing.
If you could get that rule changed, - you'd be my new best friend.
- [CHUCKLES] Really? I mean, yeah, I'll give it a shot, I don't know.
Okay, I'll do it.
Excuse me, bar keep? Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
Hey, listen, Abby, can I talk to you about something? Nothing would make me happier, Bill.
Okay, well, I think that we should amend Rule 103.
I think it's time that the men at the bar are able to wear open-toed shoes.
Seriously, James? You got Bill asking me now? I don't even what are we talking about? The answer is no, Bill.
Let me tell you a little story.
I was attacked by a man's foot once.
It was two years ago.
I was reaching down to pick up a pen when an older gentleman's toenail grazed my cheek.
And his big toe, briefly but unmistakably, touched the tip of my tooth.
[GROANING] I worked for two years on a commercial fishing boat.
Saw a lot of fish clubbed to death.
And that is the most upsetting thing I've ever seen.
Okay, yes, that is just really, really, really gross, but it was a freak accident, Abby.
Okay, I've been talking to the people, the real people, the back bench people, who are, by the way, the fabric of this bar, and their feet are suffering.
The people have impulses that aren't always what's best for them or the bar, especially when there's booze involved.
She's right.
Last week, Fireworks Jerry had four rum and Cokes and wanted to set off - bottle rockets back here.
- Bottle rockets! Who needs them? You need some? I have some.
- You need some? - Jerry, settle down! Settle.
Second of all, the rules protect the integrity of the bar.
We don't just change them on a whim, okay? Conversation over.
ALL: [CHANTING SOFTLY] Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.
Ahem, excuse me.
I hereby invoke Rule 47b, which stipulates that any person may challenge an existing rule through the application of due process.
You fool.
Hey, Bill, after Abby murders you, can we have your cell phone case? We're still gonna want to make fun of you when you're gone.
You really want to do this? I do.
Okay, Rosie, ring the bell.
We got a rule challenge.
[BELL JINGLES, RINGS] Oh, that's the "fact challenge" bell.
- Rule challenge bell is bronze.
- Mm.
Okay [MUMBLING] Hm, ehh, hm.
It's kinda taking a while.
Can we talk - while she's down - No! Gotta wait.
[RINGING] ALL: Happy birthday to you That's the, uh, birthday bell.
Yeah, I got that.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Okay, guys, we gotta regroup.
Yeah, what are we gonna do about this problem mostly Dale started? This is our bar, and Bill is trying to change the soul of this place, but we are not gonna let Bill squash everything we've built together.
Instead, we are going to squash Bill.
- "Squash Bill" on three.
- You're overcompensating, but I like it.
Let's do it.
One, two, three.
ALL: Squash Bill! [MOUTHING WORDS] Okay, the process for changing a rule is pretty simple.
That's actually P-R-O-C.
I'm a product of the spell-check generation, Bill.
Get off my ass.
But thank you.
The rule change must be brought to a standing committee of regulars, which includes, obviously, me, Beth, Fred, James, Rosie, and Skip.
Skip always abstains.
Or falls asleep, which counts as abstaining.
Abby will make her case, you will make your case, during the entire process, we, of course, will drink for free.
- No, you don't.
- We get three free drinks.
- No, you don't.
- We get one free drink.
- You get zero drinks.
- Thank you.
Simple majority vote wins.
Think you can handle it? Okay.
For my new friends James and Dale, anything.
You know, I can be very persuasive.
I was an alternate on my high school debate team.
What does that mean? It means that when Jenny Lee got pink-eye, ya boy placed fourth in state.
Abby, I've got a super simple way to handle this Bill situation.
- All right, let's hear it.
- First, we steal his credit card and go shopping.
I buy this pair of boots I've had my eyes on.
You can get whatever you want.
Not the boots.
Unless they look better on you, which they probably will.
Next thing you know, Bill's credit score plummets.
Then we begin Phase Two.
How many phases are there? Nine.
Okay, Fred.
Just hear me out.
Have you ever tried sliding into a nice pair of Birkenstocks because that arch support alone is life changing.
Look, Bill, I've got flat feet, and I like 'em that way.
And even if I didn't, I vote with Abby always.
James, you've been playing both sides, and I know you want to wear sandals.
But enough is enough, okay? Tell me you're with me.
- I am with you.
- Great.
Voting wise, I'm with Bill.
Come on, man.
I thought we were friends.
We drink together, we play Clue together.
I've turned on Clue.
It's a white person murder game that never ends in jail time.
[SCOFFS] The only thing we disagree on is American musical theater.
I'm pro, she is con, except for "Oklahoma!" which you would have to be dead not to like.
- You like musicals? - Oh, yeah.
Fred, did you know that most jazz standards are from musicals? I mean, Pal Joey alone has like Bill.
Really? Don't do this.
Don't ruin musicals for me.
Also, why are you choosing to die on this hill? Men's feet? They're disgusting.
I don't even look at my own feet anymore, ever.
What about when you're in the shower? You want to ruin showers for me too? James, how about a little loyalty, huh? I'm sorry.
I can't, Abby.
We live in California.
My feet want to drive convertibles.
Hey, Beth, uh, can I speak to you for a moment? Ugh, I got two sips of "chard" left.
Be quick.
Okay, I mean, we we never really had a chance to have a good one-on-one chat, have we? One sip left in the chamber, pal.
Okay, um, um, how long have you lived in this neighborhood? Uh, eight years and there is no way - I'm voting against Abby.
- Okay, Beth.
Surely you believe in equality, right? I mean, it's it's just not fair that the women at the bar get to wear sandals and the men don't.
You're right, Bill.
Women have had it too good for too long.
Okay, look.
I was Abby's first customer ever.
All right, she's not just a bartender to me.
She's a friend, and she's always been there for me.
Oh! [GRUMBLES] Except when it comes to these Satan balls.
Why won't Abby deal with this? I ask for so little.
You do seem very easygoing.
I am.
Wait, wait, wait, Beth.
I own this property, okay? So if you vote with me, I can take care of your tree problem.
What do you say, a little, uh, "you scratch my back, I scratch yours"? You touch my back, Bill, I'll call the police.
Whoa! What? No.
That's not [LAUGHS] I get it.
You're a back guy, okay? But that's not for me, pal, so keep cruising.
Well, Bill, I'm sorry, but it's just not gonna happen.
The only person you have is James, so that makes the vote four to one.
With Skip abstaining, of course.
[CLEARS THROAT] Well, look at this.
Oh, no.
No he's going for the sock! - No! - Ah! No ah! - Ack.
- Now, hold on a second.
That's a vote.
This counts as a vote.
Skip has voted for sandals.
Skip is with me.
Doesn't matter.
I still win four to two.
- Rule stays.
- Oh.
All right.
I'm changing my vote.
I'm with Bill.
Oh, Beth, when Abby murders you, can I have your Jacuzzi? [UPBEAT MUSIC] Thanks to a traitor in our midst, we have a tie.
The tiebreaker, as outlined in Rule 47c, is a game of bocce ball.
Hey, James, does bocce ball require any hand-eye coordination because, uh, I don't have that.
I got you.
This is the closest we got to a rule change since George tried to change the bar nut mix.
Who's George? We don't talk about George.
- Beth, what the hell? - I know.
But Bill said he would trim your tree.
Also, get this.
He's into backs.
Well, that is juicy, but right now we're talking about how you're betraying me.
This is not a betrayal.
Your husband having sex with you and giving you twins, that's a betrayal.
Oh, so I guess it wouldn't be a betrayal if I just removed chardonnay from Two for Tuesdays.
Oh, well.
Do it.
Actually, I was bluffing.
I want the wine! I want Two on Tuesdays! All right, so bocce.
What's the deal here? Is there a hole I'm supposed to get these in or what? Dude, are you serious? It's bocce.
I know they played this at your country club growing up.
How did you know that I belonged to a country club growing up? Your body just looks like it was raised on poolside chicken tenders.
Now, just throw the ball, and we'll do a practice round.
Ju Bill! You're supposed to just roll the ball like 10 feet down the court.
I can't believe this is happening.
When Bill first showed up, you promised me that I had nothing to worry about.
That I could trust him not to ruin the place.
Well, there he is, ruining the place.
Sarge, I think I know what the problem is.
Yeah, I just told you.
Bill's turning everyone against me.
No, he's not turning everyone against you.
You're turning everyone against you.
Here's the deal.
[CLEARS THROAT] You're kind of a, um, "my way or the highway" type person, and 95% of the time, your way is great.
It got us this bar, this place that we love.
Yeah, "my way or the highway" is also why no one gets hit on by creepy dudes in No Fear tank tops.
But 5% of the time, if you're not giving the people what they need, they're gonna start looking for an onramp.
What? To the "highway" that's not "your way.
" Whoa, James "needs" to expose his feet and Beth "needs" to ruin my yard? No, but they need to feel that they're being listened to, and that their feelings matter even when they don't line up exactly with yours.
They're your friends, right? Sometimes you bend for friends.
I guess that is a small component of friendship.
But I mean, that doesn't excuse Bill trying to stage a coup.
I mean, what could that guy possible need? Well, let's think about it.
He's going through a divorce, right? Yeah, although, he has such a cool personality.
I can't imagine why.
When I was going through my divorce, I felt like a loser.
I needed something, anything to make me feel like a man again, and I wanted it so bad one time, at my lowest, I went to the bowling alley and I spent 60 bucks on one of those claw games, until finally I pulled out a Padres hat.
As sad as that sounds, it actually helped.
I thought your head was too big to wear hats.
It is.
If it doesn't have a chin strap, it's game over.
Point is that the win the win made me feel good.
I don't think he's trying to change this place.
I think he wants to belong here.
The guy just needs a win.
How do you even get a bocce ball back here? I don't know! Just help me get it out.
[MELLOW MUSIC] You ready to play, Bill? I mean Sure, it's not going to be much of a game though.
- You're gonna crush me.
- Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.
Bocce's just as much luck as it is skill.
- It could be anybody's game.
- You think? Yeah, sure.
You could totally win this.
Abby crushes Bill, 21 to 0.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Uh, did you not hear me? Or did my story about giving Bill a win confuse you in some way? Oh, I got it, but I wasn't gonna blow my bocce record.
I'm 81 and 0.
But don't worry.
He's got a win coming.
Okay, Skip's shoe isn't going back on.
Uh I say we just wrap his foot in newspaper and send him on his way.
Okay, people, I have an announcement.
James is no longer the all-time leading bocce dunce.
Wha James, why did you volunteer to coach me if you're terrible at bocce? They say those that can't do, teach.
Is it possible that you can't do or teach? That's possible, yeah.
Because Bill scored a whopping 0 points - he now claims the top spot.
- Hey.
- Why are people clapping? This is huge.
It's been James - for two whole years.
- Quite a feat, Bill.
I've never heard of anybody not scoring any points.
It's really difficult to do.
Phil one time brought his toddler in here, and the child scored three points accidentally.
Congratulations, Bill.
You have won the commemorative - Bocce Dunce Hat.
- Nice.
Treat it with respect.
You look like a racist traffic cone.
So, I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't have shut you down so hard about the tree.
Eh, it's okay.
I told Bill it was gonna cost 400 bucks to get 'em trimmed, but it'll be more like 250.
You know, I could probably just do it with my chainsaw.
Then you could keep all of the money.
Wha oh.
[VOICE BREAKING] You're gonna make me cry.
Hey, bocce dunce.
Let me buy you a drink.
Oh, no, thanks.
I've already had one, so I'm pretty buzzed.
Dude, you're like 7 feet tall.
You could take one more.
Rosie, shots.
Whoa, no, no, no.
That's okay, Rosie.
Uh, it's tradition.
The dunce has to drink.
And so do the dunce's friends.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] - Don't make it weird.
Listen, James, I'm really sorry I couldn't make that rule change happen.
It's okay.
We're bonded now.
Part of the underground men's sandal resistance.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, James, so going forward, on Two for Tuesdays, you can wear your sandals.
What about Dale? I don't want to see Dale's feet.
Yeah, me neither.
Two of his toes don't even got nails.