Abby's (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Soda Gun

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC] "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live, outdoor audience.
Ooh, la, la, Fred.
Lookin' sharp.
Somebody put on his church clothes.
You do look very nice today, Fred.
All right, that's enough with the cat calling.
I'm a person.
I'm sorry.
What's the occasion? Today is one of the most glorious days on the bar's calendar.
It's a festive, joyous occasion.
Today, my good man, - is Free Alcohol Day.
- Yes.
- BOTH: Whoo! - Wait, wait, wait.
Is this gonna be like Free Pizza Day where you guys order a ton of pizza and then just make me pay for it? That's actually annual now, Bill.
Free Alcohol Day is when a beverage rep comes by to do tastings of whatever new booze they're selling.
At most bars, it's a perk for just the staff, but here I've made it a family activity - for everyone to enjoy.
- A "family activity?" Yes, it's a wonderful time for family to be way over there while I'm here drinking without them.
It's like Christmas and Cinco de Mayo rolled into one.
You get free stuff and sometimes you wake up wearing a fun hat.
You know, I do love a good freebie.
Once, on a business trip, I got 10% off my hotel bill just because I found black mold in the air conditioner.
Yeah, this is like that, but instead of depressing and terrible, it's happy and good.
All right, well, happy Free Alcohol Day, everyone.
Oh, Bill, actually the traditional greeting is "Merry Free Alcohol Day," like this: Merry Free Alcohol Day to you, Fred.
Thank you, and a Merry Free Alcohol Day to you, Abby.
A Merry Free Alcohol Day [VOICE BREAKING] to us all.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Did you hear that? Sounds like a 2015 Hyundai Elantra, midnight blue, leather interior.
- [CAR DOOR SHUTS] - She's here! Free Alcohol Lady's here! Okay, like I say every time, let's just treat her like a regular person.
- ALL: Hey! - We missed you so much! Hi, let me take that from you.
- [BOTTLES JINGLING] - Sounds like gin.
Hey, so technically I'm not supposed to hug you, but if you initiate, I won't say no.
Okay, guys, guys, be cool.
- Hello, how are you? - Hi.
As you can see, we're normal amount of excited to see you.
Aw, always my favorite stop on the tour.
- [ALL GASP] - We're your favorite? Okay, all right, we got you set up over here, a safe distance from your insane fans.
Sorry about all the slobber.
It's hard for them - to contain their love for you.
- Aw.
You guys ever notice how Abby and Dani have sort of a flirty thing going on? I mean, look.
They're just talking, like you and I are talking right now.
You think I'm flirting with you? Eh, there's always something going on between us, man.
[INAUDIBLE CHATTER] I think you might be right, Beth.
Look.
She's touching Dani on the elbow.
Ooh, that's big.
The elbow's the gateway to the shoulder.
Yeah.
What? What's with your faces? Is there a photo being taken? Wha You guys taking photos without me? Dang it.
I told you that really hurts my feelings.
No, Bill, we're talking about how Abby's into Dani.
Oh, my God, you guys need to get a life, really.
C'mon, I know you.
I could feel the sparks from here.
Let me go talk to her.
I'll find out if she's single.
No.
No, no, no.
Do not do that.
Sit.
Bad Beth.
Wait, wait a second, can we back up here for a second? Free Alcohol Lady is a lady, so do you date women? And men.
I'm bisexual, Bill.
[STAMMERS] Oh, well, congratulations.
Congratulations? I didn't win a raffle.
First it was "Happy Free Alcohol Day," and now "Congratulations?" Are you not familiar with any social conventions? "Congratulations" wasn't a bad thing to say to Abby, right, because it implies that I'm happy that she's bisexual.
And I am.
I mean, I'm happy.
I'm not bisexual.
But if I was bisexual, I'd be happy.
Pull up, Bill.
You're in a tailspin! Today we are featuring our brand new allspice-infused vodka.
All the spices? [LAUGHS] Now I'm interested.
Well, cheers everyone.
- So what do we think? - Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- BOTH: Yeah.
- [CLEARS THROAT] - We've all had that now.
Right? Well, when you want more - you know where to find me.
- [LAUGHS] - [SPITS] - [GROANS] Oh, God.
Oh, my God, that is not good.
This tastes like the inside of a Santa suit.
Never thought I'd hear these words come out of my mouth but I did not like my free drink.
Did she say "Old Spice" 'cause this tastes a lot like my body wash.
You know, I kinda like it.
It reminds me of this liqueur that my ex-wife and I had - on our honeymoon in Greece - Bill, no.
None of your sob stories tonight, okay? We're in the middle of a crisis here.
The one day that four or five times a year I care about, and it's in jeopardy.
I'm gonna try it again.
Maybe it gets better.
Huh.
No.
Worse! Hey, girl.
Can I get a top off? Oh, you got it.
Mm, love this stuff.
- Wintery.
- Mm.
Makes me want to get all cozy by a fire with a serious romantic partner, which, by the way, do you have one of those? Oh, uh, I'm flattered, but I actually Oh, no, not for me.
Although, for real, you should be so lucky.
Oh.
No, I was asking for Abby.
I thought I sensed a little something going on between you two.
Oh, yeah, no.
Abby's great, but you know, we kinda already had a thing.
Oh.
Right.
Duh.
[LAUGHS] I totally knew that, but I forgot because Abby tells me so many personal things that it's really hard for me to keep track of them, so Really? That doesn't sound like Abby.
Hey.
[MOCKINGLY] Really? That doesn't sound like Abby.
Okay, here's what we've learned so far.
Adding ice makes it cold bad.
Adding lemon makes it sour bad.
We can figure this out, but it's just gonna take - a little elbow grease.
- Is elbow grease a real thing? Because I'd rather drink that.
- What's the next experiment? - Well, we are heating it up and mixing it with honey.
You've heard of a hot toddy? This is a "Warm Steve.
" Hm.
You know what might make this better? If we threw it in the garbage can and never talked about it again.
Abby, is there something you've been meaning to tell your ol' pal Beth? Maybe something you feel bad about keeping from me? Oh.
Okay.
Fine.
Um.
I can see into your upstairs bathroom from my bedroom.
I've witnessed certain things No.
Uh [CHUCKLES] I was just over with Dani putting in a good word for you, my close friend, and guess what I find out.
You two already dated.
Whoa, you two dated? Did you break her heart? Is this putrid swill some sort of a jilted lover's revenge? Beth, I told you not to meddle, and besides, it was super casual.
How casual? Like a one night stand? Like a 45-night stand spread out over, uh, three months.
Three months? I met my husband, got married, and pregnant in half that time.
Okay, Beth, stop bragging.
Some of us still go home to a body pillow.
Hey, I don't always use the body pillow, okay? Oh, my God, you were talking about you.
Never mind.
Abby, why didn't you tell me? I thought we were close.
Beth, I promise, it wasn't a big deal.
I mean, there's a lot of people I've dated that you don't know about.
Wha there are others? Well, yeah.
Unbelievable.
I share everything with you.
Guess I've just been drinking Chardonnay from a stranger.
I might as well be at a Chili's.
- Ooh.
- Whoa.
Wait a second, do people not like Chili's? I find them so charming.
You know I once had a waiter who jokingly referred to my blue margarita [CHUCKLES] as "toilet water.
" [LAUGHS] I think that guy's name was Brian.
What a hoot.
What the hell is wrong with you, man? Abby, Beth has a point.
I've known you for years, and I've never met anyone that you've dated.
So what, I've never met anyone you've dated.
You don't remember the UPS lady that I introduced you to that I almost had that thing with that one time? Yeah, we know nothing about your personal life, and yet you know everything about us.
Guys, c'mon, it's a tradition as old as time: customers drink and talk, and bartenders pour and listen.
[SCOFFS] Customers? We're just customers? Do customers have their bartenders over for Thanksgiving every year and don't even get mad when all they bring is pie from a gas station? Hey, that pie was from both of us.
And that Chevron is famous for its strawberry rhubarb.
All right, fine, you wanna know stuff? It's gonna cost ya.
I'll tell you what.
You take a shot.
You got a question.
But that stuff is not suitable for human consumption.
I know, so how bad do you want it? You're on.
Let me lay down a base of bar nuts.
[NUTS JINGLE] [MUFFLED] All right.
Let's do this.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] - Hey, can I get you a refill? - Yeah, yeah, sure.
You know, this reminds me of a particular liqueur that my ex-wife and I had on our honeymoon in Greece.
It was called "kykeon," and it's made out of wine and cheese.
You see, the ancient Greeks used to use it to break their sacred fast.
Cool.
Well, I'll be here if you have any questions.
All right, okay.
Oh! I do have one question.
If somebody congratulated you on your bisexuality like on a scale of 1 to 10, how offended would you be by that? - Oh, I'm not bi.
I'm gay.
- Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, I'm not sorry that you're gay.
I think it's great that you're gay, you know? I mean, two women together is a beautiful thing.
Not in a creepy way.
I didn't mean that in like a se oh, boy.
You know, I just think that everybody should be able to choose who they love not that it's a choice.
Gah.
You guys sure about this? It's not too late to back out.
I'm not scared.
In college, we used to make gin in a dorm sink that was so strong my eyebrows fell out.
I drew 'em on once, I can draw 'em on again.
How long was your longest relationship? - Almost two years.
- And who was Up that's another question.
Come on, this is a rip-off.
You gotta give us more info than that.
You want another detail, you can have one for the low, low price of one more shot.
- Who's next? - I'll go.
Do you like to play Legos? I panicked.
I'm sorry.
I've got a question.
Who cares about Abby? This extraordinary day is slipping through our fingers.
I ironed my shirt! Grab an oar or get off the boat, Fred.
Mm.
[GROANS] Who did you lose your virginity to and what song was playing? Taylor Franzoni and "Jump.
" Next question.
- Unacceptable! Too vague.
- Now, now, Beth's right here.
There are multiple songs in the American musical library titled "Jump.
" Sorry, guys.
I don't make the rules.
But you do.
You literally just made them.
Don't worry.
I got this.
Line 'em up.
Was it "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters? No.
- "Jump" by Van Halen? - No.
Mm-hmm.
"Jump" by Kris Kross? - Nope, try again.
- [GROANS] - Rosie, no.
You'll die.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
C'mon Abby, you're not taking this seriously at all.
Oh, I disagree.
I feel like I'm taking it just as seriously as it deserves.
Well, if you're not gonna play fair, then I'm not doing this anymore.
Oh, no, do you really think she was mad? I'm sorry.
Oh, no, do you really think she was mad? Okay, I think that's enough.
All right, everybody, last call.
- What, last call? No.
- [BELL RINGING] This can't be the end of Free Alcohol Day.
I will not stand for this.
I should be too drunk to stand at all.
Hey, anybody need anything before I go? Oh, hi, thank you.
No.
You were just as wonderful as ever and we're all looking forward to seeing you next time.
Maybe you could bring something different.
Okay, cool.
Well, good to see you.
- ALL: Bye.
- Bye, Dani.
You're so nice.
I know nobody asked, but I lost my virginity to a CD of whale songs.
Okay, all right.
[SNAPPING FINGERS] Let's see what else you're hiding, Abby.
Yuck.
Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- [CAT MEOWS] Oh, and she has a secret cat? Oh, it's on.
[LIGHT THUDDING] [PAPERS SHUFFLING] - [BOTH SCREAM] - Beth! What are you doing? And why are you holding dirty socks? I'm the one asking the questions here.
Whose dirty socks are these? Well, you're in my house so it stands to reason that they're mine.
Yeah, I'm standing in your house scrounging around for clues.
Apparently this is what I have to do to know anything personal about you.
Or you could respect my privacy instead of acting like a drunk Jessica Fletcher.
The "Murder, She Wrote" lady? How dare you? You could have picked a hot detective like Veronica Mars or McGruff the Crime Dog.
Okay, Beth, I'm gonna need you to drop the socks and slowly return to the bar, okay? Yeah, yeah, I could, or [LAUGHS] - Okay, Beth - What's the problem? Am I getting to close to the truth? No, you're getting too close to my coffee table.
Ahh! Who puts a coffee table right in front of the couch? I can't do it.
I think I'm just gonna break down and just buy beer.
Don't you dare.
This is Free Alcohol Day.
Damn it.
I I know we got thrown a curveball with this allspice vodka, but we still have a shot at this before we have to go home.
The booze beat us, Fred.
We tried everything.
It's no use.
Here's something we didn't try.
Sucking it up.
What about when we first started drinking alcohol? It didn't taste good, so what do we do? - We drank it anyway.
- We drank it anyway! Look, these are tough days for America.
The country is deeply divided.
The only thing we can agree on is drinking alcohol.
So we need to do this.
We need to do this for America.
[ALL YELL] [GROANS] - [EXHALES] - [SHUDDERS] And again! [ALL YELL] Mm! - [GROANS] - Beth, this is ridiculous.
Is it? Is it as ridiculous as this long blonde hair? Who does this belong to, Abby? Is it this blonde woman that you're in this picture with? That's Willie Nelson.
I was on a plane with him once.
Oh.
Well, that's boring.
Left me no choice but to look up your internet search history.
Oh, please, you'll never guess the password.
- "Vodka.
" - Beth, that's insulting, okay? - This is a waste of time.
- "Vodka1" - No, no, no! Beth! - Hey! Ow! - I wanna know your stuff! - Give me my - No! - Beth! Ow.
[PANTING] You know what? I don't care anymore.
You don't want to talk to me? Fine, go talk to your cool friends.
Go go bandana shopping with Willie Nelson.
Beth, what is going on? You had a full-on relationship with Dani and you never even told me.
So what? That's my private life.
I don't have to run everything by you.
I got a bikini wax last Friday.
Did you need to know about that? We could have gone together.
I have a Groupon.
Beth, why do you care so much? Because I thought we were close, and I guess today I learned we're not.
I don't have a lot of girlfriends, especially since the boys were born, and I think of you as one of my closest friends.
But I'm starting to think that you just see me as a customer.
[SIGHS] Okay.
Come on.
I want to show you something.
Six years ago, when I first moved into this house, I found you sitting here in my backyard drinking wine straight out of a box.
That was during the World Cup.
My husband had bought the boys vuvuzelas.
If I didn't have your backyard to escape to, I might have walked into the sea.
It was pretty weird friending a strange, drunk lady in my backyard, but then you became the thing I looked forward to at the end of every day.
Which is why I brought out the second chair.
Then I just kept adding chairs until I had a bar.
None of this would be here if it weren't for you.
Okay? So no, you're not just a customer.
But why don't you share stuff? I don't share stuff with anybody.
I mean, I grew up Cuban in a white neighborhood, and on top of that I'm bi.
I learned not to fan the flames of that intersectional fire.
But this bar? The thing that I love the most? It literally wouldn't exist if you hadn't trespassed on my property and gotten me drunk on cheap Canadian wine.
That means a lot.
So do you want to know more about Dani? Oh, my God, so bad.
Well, she's great.
She's smart.
She's funny.
But she has one of those shirts that says "But First, Coffee" so - Oh.
Say no more.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, by the way, when did you get a cat? I don't have a cat.
Oh, well, then you have a thing you need to deal with.
Well, you guys look terrible.
We may look terrible, but our hearts are full.
We slayed the allspice dragon and lived to tell the tale.
I've never been prouder of a hangover.
Even though I sweated through my clothes and my front door is painted like the Swedish flag.
I'm not sure how that happened.
Last night I spent two hours negotiating a peace treaty with the spider in my bathroom.
We cool now, but I'm gonna keep an eye on him.
I felt so bad about the whole "congratulations" thing that I drunk donated $100 to Ellen DeGeneres.
Wasn't even a charity.
I just found her on Venmo.
I didn't think I was that drunk, but I don't remember any of the personal stuff you told us.
Oh, that's too bad.
I really bared my soul to you guys.
I went deep.
Oh, well.
Never again.
Oh, hey.
I have a surprise for you.
[GASPS] You put my garbage wine on tap? Aw.
Tell my boys I'll write them on holidays.
I live here now.
Oh, uh, Abby, I just wanted to apologize again.
I don't know why I said "congratulations" when you told me you were bisexual, but it was not because I felt uncomfortable.
Bill, relax.
Yes, saying "congratulations" was weird, but at least your gut reaction was something nice.
Weird but nice, and that says a lot, so All right, well, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, just let me know, okay? Actually, there might be something.
Do you want to help me catch a cat? Uh, hell yeah.
What are we talking here, a tabby, calico, Siamese, tuxedo, Russian Blue? Yeah, you're the man for the job.