Abby's (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

Book Club

1 "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.
Furthermore, the whole idea of a desert island playlist is flawed from the beginning, okay, because any device capable of a playlist function would inevitably have to be charged, okay, and would limited battery life affect my song choices? You bet your ass it would.
I mean, I'm only talking songs under two minutes.
I'm talking about early punk, I'm talking about nursery rhymes Oh, Bill! We all stopped listening forever ago.
What did I say about hypothetical bar games? ALL: Not when Bill's around.
Thank you.
So book club, "Life of Pi.
" What did we think? I didn't read it.
I watched the movie.
I watched the trailer.
I watched some of the trailer.
Let me get more pretzels, and then we can discuss the first half of the trailer.
Hi, Fred.
Oh, it's Ooh.
Looks like somebody wants to join the book club.
What? Why would I I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, Fred.
You've been nodding at Emily for months now.
You're allowed to have a little crush.
Yeah, Fred.
You're sprung.
No, I'm not.
- Do you even know what that means? - No, but I'm not.
What's going on over here? We're teasing Fred about Emily.
I call them "Fremily.
" I was gonna call them "Emilfred," but that sounds too much like that sad lady from "Handmaid's Tale.
" You got divorced what, 15 years ago? When was the last time you were on a date? Did you have to break up with her on a land line? First of all, I still have a land line, and I'm also a grown man, okay? I can handle my own love life.
You know, Fred, I also had trouble meeting people after I got divorced, so I bought this dating book.
See, it's called "Learning to Fish Again.
" It's, uh, a fisherman's guide to getting back out on the water.
Very insightful book.
Chapter two is called "Don't Be Afraid of the Lake.
" It explains that lakes are kind of scary, but they're also nice.
I don't fish on lakes, Bill.
Well, yeah, but it's a metaphor.
- For what? - Well, the lake is the hotel bar? I haven't finished reading the book yet.
All right? [JAUNTY MUSIC] [JOVIAL CHEER] You should ask Emily out.
I mean, she's smart, she's attractive, and she seems interested.
When we were leaving the bar the other night, she looked at your car and said, "Oh, is that Fred's car?" and I said, "Yeah, why? She said, "Nothing.
Just wondering.
" So yeah, it might be on.
Why are we still talking about this? I don't need to date.
I like things the way they are.
Come on, Fred, ask her out.
- It's just one date.
- Yeah, and then what? What do you mean, "and then what?" Well, we go out, we have a nice time.
- Then what? - You go out again.
And then we go out a few more times.
And then what? I don't know.
You take a weekend trip together.
Enjoy yourselves.
And then what? Maybe after a few years, you move in together? Yeah, but really, to what end? You have a partner with whom you share your joys and sorrows, thus making your life richer and more meaningful, and then even when you both die, that love, that that chemistry, that bond, it stays in the universe for eternity, man.
And then what? [UPBEAT MUSIC] I think I'm making some progress with this book, but, uh, I get a little lost in the metaphors.
In chapter one, there's lots of fish in the sea.
Okay, I'm with you there.
In chapter six, pole caster rigging techniques to increase your salmon harvest rate? I mean, are the salmon women? Are we okay with that? Yeah, Bill, I'm cool with comparing women to an animal that's so stupid it swims the wrong way up a river and then jumps right into a bear's mouth.
You know, Bill, I really like to play the long game.
You know, really get to know somebody before I make a move.
Hang out, become friends, maybe even take them to the airport.
Like this one girl? Hey, you know I'm not really big on kissing and telling, but we got stuck in traffic for three hours on the way to the jetBlue terminal.
How many stars did she give you? James, you just need to be direct.
And I will eventually.
I'm telling you guys, low and slow.
That's the best technique for dating and sneaking up on a cat.
James, I know making a move is scary, but you're being a little bit of a chicken.
Well, we'll see who's a chicken tomorrow when I help Willa move into her new apartment.
Third floor walk-up.
We're gonna be at it all night.
Hey, Fred, how's it going? Oh, uh, well, pretty good.
This morning, I saw someone on an electric scooter just eat it on the grass.
- Oh.
- So that kind of made my day.
Did you see that the Padres moved Ramirez to the bullpen? Now, who said they should do that? Was it me or was it you? I can't remember.
Hmm, it was you - Yeah, it was me.
- And not me.
So, uh, I was wondering do you want to get dinner tomorrow night? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow's steak night.
That sounds perfect.
- Okay, why not? - Yes? - Yeah.
- Great.
He did not even have to cast his line.
The fish just jumped right into his boat.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] So are you excited? I don't know.
It's a lot.
Am I fully committed to this thing? You said yes.
Yeah, but sometimes, the polite thing to do is to say yes and then disappear to Mexico for a month.
Come on, Fred, you gotta get back out there.
You're a handsome guy.
You should be in the game.
I don't want you to be alone and pathetic like Bill.
Come on.
I'm just sitting here.
Seriously, what's wrong with Emily? Nothing.
She's great.
I've just got my life set up just how I want it.
I don't want another person polishing off the Triscuits.
What I'm hearing is you're afraid of change.
That's insane.
I changed the name of my fantasy baseball team twice in the last five years.
You added an exclamation point and then you took it off.
You're a maniac.
Point is, I'm not afraid of change.
Oh, okay, so you wouldn't mind switching seats with me for the night, then? No.
Fred, it's just a barstool.
You're not buying a used car.
Oh, huh.
You need a refill, but look at that.
We are all out of Coke.
I do have this beat-up can of "Queen's Choice" cola, though.
Is that okay? Sure.
The queen is famous for her taste in soft drinks.
Then enjoy.
[COUGHS] I like it.
How was your date last night? Did you go the classic route and pay for the U-Haul, or was it more modern, and you went Dutch? [SNICKERS] Okay, I'll admit.
Low and slow didn't work this time.
It's possible she just sees me as a friend, or as an actual mover.
Last night, when I was done, she asked me if there was paperwork she had to sign.
If you need some new techniques to meet women, I got "Ethical Flirting," "Peacocking for Dummies," and then "Who's Stella Now? The Male Guide to Getting Your Groove Back.
" How about this? James, who's someone you're attracted to that you've always wanted to go out with? Ooh, Ursula from "The Little Mermaid.
" Okay, I should have been more specific.
Who's someone you're attracted to that isn't an evil, fictional octopus monster? I don't know.
Erica's cute, and sometimes, she calls me Jimmy, and that makes me feel cute, too.
Then just go over there.
Let her know you're interested.
Put it out there.
Be yourself.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait.
Quick question: I took a quiz in the peacocking book.
It told me specifically not to be myself.
There's no way that's true.
Well, it says if you score between a 31 and 40, be someone else.
- That's a mean book, Bill.
- Yeah.
So what do you think Fred and Emily are doing right now? I don't know.
I sort of picture them on a walk, holding hands, looking at antique cars, refinishing a piece of furniture.
They're not in a Cialis commercial, Beth.
I do hope it goes well.
Having a woman in his life could do wonders for him.
Yeah, he might stop using a wet suit as a bath mat.
You know men in relationships live longer? Actually, the exact opposite for women.
So that's a sad fact I know.
Fred, Emily.
What are you doing here back at the bar? You're supposed to be on a date.
This is the date.
Steak night.
Two-for-one T-bones at Vons.
Cialis commercials are getting grim.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] You know what's crazy? I cannot come up with a single moral justification for eating meat, but I just keep doing it.
It's too good.
It's incredible.
I just need one second to listen to the steak.
Medium rare has its own specific sizzle.
Hey, Fred.
Shh, shh, shh.
Ah, okay.
Go ahead.
Emily, can I borrow Fred for a second? - Sure.
- Hey.
Excuse me.
Oh, here.
Count to 32, and then pull those babies off the grill.
All right, buddy, you got this.
Just walk over to Erica, say what's up, and see if she wants to hang out.
Okay, okay.
Be direct.
Here I go.
You got this, Stella.
Get your groove back! - Hey, Erica.
- Hey.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
You're looking good.
That's for sure.
Oh, thank you.
What ya reading? Oh, just a Spanish textbook.
I'm taking a night class.
Oh, at night.
That's what's up.
Um, I was wondering, um, you know, if you're free and I'm free, maybe I could tutor you, or you could just email me your homework, if that'd be easier.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So what happened? I couldn't do it.
I chickened out.
- James - I know! It gets worse.
Now I gotta learn Spanish.
What are you doing? You two should be giggling in a bistro or touring a softly-lit vineyard, or not here.
This is steak night, and this is where I make my steaks, and it's night, so there you have it.
You didn't even bring any sides.
Were you just gonna hand her a slab of meat? It's frontiers-y.
Sides weren't even invented until the First World War.
Okay, I have got guac, string cheese, and a half a sleeve of Ritz crackers.
Stop judging me! I live with three men.
They're locusts.
They devour everything.
Guys, I don't need your help.
I know what I'm doing.
Fred, you're on a date.
You can't just listen to meat.
You gotta engage her, you know? Talk to her about current events or or movies.
Oh, are those things I can talk about? Thank you for the tip on how to be a human.
Look, you guys, if she doesn't like me how I am, then it just wasn't meant to be.
I don't need you two treating me like a child.
We're not treating you like a child.
[LAUGHS] Now get over here and put on a nice collared shirt.
No, I don't want to.
Fred, put on the shirt.
Hey! You forced my hand.
This is a new low.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] - Hey there.
- Hi.
I almost thought you forgot about me.
Did you change your shirt? Oh, yeah.
Well, I [CLEARS THROAT] I realized the other one was very bad, and and this one is somehow better.
Oh, should I have brought a change of clothes? I may have an extra pair of socks in my car.
[LAUGHS] Here's some sides if you like that sort of thing.
I thought maybe just steaks and whiskey would be good, but what do I know? Guac and, uh Ritz crackers.
That's an interesting take.
Yeah, well, men are locusts, or something.
Is everything okay? You seem like you don't totally want to be doing this right now.
Oh, yeah, no, no, I do.
I'm just a little bit in my head.
Beth and Abby have been on me about this date since the book club.
Yeah, they've been all over me, too.
Really? - Yeah.
- What'd they say to you? Well, they said that you were interested, but that you'd never make the first move.
So they told you to ask me out? Yeah.
Should they not have? Are you not interested? Oh, no, no, I am.
I was.
I am.
- Ah.
- I it's just that I don't like the deception, you know? I'd have asked you out myself in my own time.
Yeah? When? You know, like, 5 to 17 years.
All right.
Let's forget about Abby and Beth.
How about we just start over? - I'd like that.
- Okay.
Is it okay if I skip the sides? I kind of like the simplicity of booze and steak.
It's like we're on the Oregon Trail.
I said "frontiers-y.
" [UPBEAT MUSIC] Hey, you missed happy hour.
Did you just now get confused about daylight savings time? Actually, I've been with Emily.
Hi, guys.
Hey, uh, grab me a Merlot, - and I'll fire up the grill.
- Okay.
Dinner again tonight? Actually, we spent the whole day together.
We had brunch something I've heard of, but never had.
Did you go to Joan's? Lavender and Iron? Sweet Thistle? Rose Café.
Café Rose? One's better.
- The Pig's Ear? - For God's sake, Bill! I love brunch! Anyway, Abby, you were so right.
Emily and I hit it off so well.
I should be more open to change.
See? I told you.
I mean, not in your face, because I'm happy for you, but kind of in your face.
Yeah, it's it's crazy.
We have such a strong connection.
We're not getting any younger, so I say we give this a serious shot.
That's great! And so we've decided to move in together.
Wait, what? Yeah, no, I know, it's fast, but it just it feels right.
Plus, Emily has this great place: ocean views, a huge patio, one of those drawers in the kitchen that are magically filled with ice.
It's perfect.
Fred, the only reason to live with someone is if you're contractually bound by marriage, and even then, I consider moving into the garage all the time.
Beth, don't be crazy.
No one's talking about marriage.
It's not like we're gonna have kids.
Although Hey, babe? Did you freeze your eggs? That's a big 10-4 on the huevos.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] [UPBEAT MUSIC] Moving in? Calling her "babe"? Saying "huevos"? What kind of an idiot is she? She's made it this far as a free woman and then leaves the door open by freezing her eggs? It's like getting to mile 26, then heading right back to the starting line.
Here's what happened.
He felt the touch of a woman for the first time in a while, and now he's losing his mind.
Oh, say, Beth, do you mind if Emily sits there? By all means.
Hey, so, have you guys thought this through? I mean, you know, Emily has a a cat, right? And you're you're allergic to cats, right? Acupuncture is supposed to be really great for allergies.
You know, I don't believe in most doctors, but acupuncture that sounds legitimate.
- Oh, boy, we gotta get going.
- Oh.
No, no, Fred never leaves before last call.
Yeah, but we're going to a stand-up comedy show.
- Stand-up comedy? - [LAUGHS] It's the real guy that the character Kramer was based on, but this guy is even better, because he's not racist! Okay, nope.
No, no, no, no.
No, that's it.
That's it.
Fred, Fred, you're not thinking straight.
You hate cats and stand-up.
One time, you said, "If I ever pay money to go to a stand-up comedy show, "shoot me in the head, because I'm already dead and the aliens have taken over my body.
" But this guy doesn't just do stand-up.
He also plays funny songs on the piano.
- [LAUGHS] - He's got one called "We Didn't Start The Shire.
" It's based on "Lord of the Rings.
" [BOTH LAUGH] That is so fun.
Does he have anything - on Spotify, or - Not now, Bill! Fred, leaving your life open for change doesn't mean changing every single thing about yourself overnight on a whim.
On a whim? No, Abby, - we are really serious about - Emily, step off.
You're really nice, but I will fight you.
Fred, this is all my fault, okay? Your life is great as it is, and I never should've pushed you to change, all right? I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
You were what was the last part again? I was wrong.
Emily, did you hear that? Oh, you were right.
I never thought she'd admit it.
You just got pranked.
What? We're not moving in together.
[LAUGHS] You were gonna fight me! [BOTH LAUGH] I just wanted to hear you say you were wrong, and you said it, and now [SINGSONG] I got $20.
[LAUGHS] Yes, it was pretty great - for all of us.
- Not now, Bill! [UPBEAT MUSIC] Grande es no.
How's the Spanish coming along? Es muy It's as far as I've gotten.
This is why I told you to be direct.
I was direct.
I usually wait for people to ask me to do a favor.
This time, I offered.
I skipped a bunch of steps.
How about this? No favors at all.
No favors? I gotta bring something to the table.
You don't show up to a potluck empty-handed.
You bring your vegetarian lasagna and your green beans, because, you know, somebody's gonna forget something.
James, look at me.
You're a catch.
You're more than enough on your own.
The only thing you need to bring to the table is James.
Now get back over there and ask her out on a date.
At the risk of using another metaphor, put the ball in her court and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm sorry.
That was two metaphors.
Bill and his fish book are in my head.
Uh, yeah, so I finished this book last night, and it turns out that it was just a book about fishing.
Oh, my God.
- Hola, Erica.
- Hola, Jimmy.
¿Cómo estás? Look I think you're very beautiful and I want to take you on a date sometime.
Here's an imaginary ball, and it's in your court now.
Wait, what? I said okay.
I'd love to go out.
Me too.
That's amazing.
I mean, I was worried no one at the bar would ask me out again after Chris and I broke up.
Some people are kind of scared of him.
Chris Chris? You was dating Angry Chris? No bueno.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] I gotta hand it to you.
That was well-played.
Yeah, I was just trying to prove a point.
You don't want me to change that much.
So you guys gonna go out again? I don't know.
Yeah, after last night, I figured it wasn't a romantic thing.
What? Why? Oh, I just you know, I didn't really sense any chemistry between you guys.
Right, Beth? Yeah, zero.
Yeah, it makes sense that, uh, you wouldn't take it any further.
Who says I'm not taking it any further? That's not up to you to decide.
You're right.
Okay, my apologies.
We agree to disagree.
Yeah, we do, 'cause actually, I think she's pretty great, and I might just walk over there right now and ask her what she's doing this weekend.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my God I can't believe that worked.
I feel like I just discovered a new superpower.
I I see what you did there.
Thank you.
Hey, Abby.
You ever consider writing a book? Not now, Bill.
Well, then when? When will it be time? [UPBEAT MUSIC]