Abby's (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

Soda Gun

1 [MELLOW MUSIC.]
Hey, sarge, got you a chimichanga if you want it.
Thanks! Sombrero's? Thought you were a Pepeberto's man.
I was.
[AHEM.]
I went by there earlier, and they were closed.
Sign said, "Return at 5:00.
" You know what time it was? - 5:08.
- Ooh! [OVERLAPPING GRIPING.]
So, they're dead to me.
From now on, I will be bringing my chimichanga business the fine folks at Sombrero's.
This isn't a chimichanga.
This is a burrito.
Is the whole world incompetent? You ready for another? No.
Yeah.
Well, that thing is lacking in systems engineering competency.
[WHEEZY LAUGH.]
[SLAPS TABLE TOP.]
Why don't we just get that thing fixed? I tried everything new washer, new pump.
It's as fixed as it's gonna get.
The thing is cursed.
Well, that makes sense.
I mean, Bill's aunt is buried underneath the bar.
No? Tch! Beth, you lied to me? So, uh, you sort of a handyman, hey, Fred? I do what I can to help out around here.
I'm very handsy.
Ooh.
No.
Try again.
I just mean I'm I'm good at the hand stuff.
Oh, much better.
Anyway, who cares if it's slow? We use this time reflectively.
Rosie, word of the day, please.
Word of the day is "fungible.
" Guesses? Fungible: open to fun or merriment.
"Hey, James, you wanna hang out tonight?" "Yeah, I'm fungible.
I'm fungible as hell!" Fungible: the fur-covered jaw of a dog.
Used in a sentence: Rexy likes it when I scratch him on his fungible.
All good guesses, but no.
It's a legal term that means able to replace or be replaced by another item.
Oh, I get it.
Like Bill is totally fungible.
We could just switch him out with a large carton of whole milk, and no one would even notice.
Yeah.
That makes sense to me now.
I'm glad that your vocabularies are expanding, but that was mean.
[MELLOW UPBEAT MUSIC.]
"Abby's" is filmed in front of a live, outdoor audience.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Who's this? This is Cory.
He's here to fix the soda gun.
Bill, I know this is your property, but you can't just waltz in here with Cory and expect me to be cool with it.
- I'm paying.
- Then I'm cool with it.
Go nuts, Cory.
I wish you the best of luck, sir.
You'll find that soda gun a tricky mistress.
It'll lure you in, and just when you think you got a handle Done.
What? Ah, it's fixed.
I'm I'm done.
But I was mid-metaphor.
Seriously? Let me see.
Oh, my God.
My life just got 60% better.
I am feeling very amorous towards you, sir.
Look at you, crazy soda gun wizard.
Yeah.
Impressive.
That is amazing, Cory.
What do we owe ya? Don't even worry about it.
Just, uh, gimme a call if you ever need anything else.
Look at that.
It's a, uh, fridge magnet in the shape of a truck.
How clever.
Actually, would you mind taking a look at my storage cooler? It's been making a hissing noise, and it's either totally fine, or it's gonna kill us all.
- Sure thing.
- Okay, great! You know, in some cultures, when a man gives you a magnet, you get to have sex with him.
So I been working on an emergency plan for the bar.
Oh, good.
Whoa-ho! - That is a lot.
- Yeah.
You told Abby to come up with one, and she delegated to me because I'm very smart and very scared of everything.
In here, there's a section for every conceivable emergency.
You got earthquakes, fires, tsunami.
When you say good-bye to somebody, and then y'all both walk off in the same direction.
This is insane.
In an emergency, what's the one thing you don't have? A woman to love me? Why would you bring that up, Rosie? Time.
You gotta make a plan that's quick and easy to look at, like one sheet of paper we can hang up.
One sheet of paper? Did the Founding Fathers put the "Declaration of Independence" on one sheet of paper? Famously, yes.
Fred, you want another? Uh, no, thanks.
Think I need to go watch some bocce.
Teresa's playing her ex-husband for their Golden Retriever.
Should be exciting.
And deeply sad.
Fred seem a little off to you? I mean, he just turned down a drink.
Yeah, even I noticed it, and I don't notice anyone's feelings.
Thank God they go right over my head.
Okay, guys, I wanna huddle, but I don't want it to look like we're huddling, so soft huddle.
I think Fred may be upset about something.
- Why do you think that? - Let me put it in a way that you could understand Fred turning down a drink is like you turning down a free protractor.
Okay, but like a cheap one or like a good metal one? James, can you see if he's actually paying attention to the bocce game or if he's just looking at the leaves rustle in the trees? He's just watching the leaves rustle.
Okay, nobody panic.
Let's just figure out what's bumming him out.
The checklist, Rosie.
So we've got things that upset Fred broken down into three categories Fred Versus Man, Fred Versus Nature, Fred Versus Himself.
Fred Versus Nature? What's that? Oh, that's just stuff like, "It's too humid," or, "It's not humid enough!" It's mostly just problems with humidity.
He's super-sensitive to moisture.
Oh, it could be Fred Versus Man.
Did the Padres lose? - Oh, they won.
- Okay, but won how? Convincingly? Did they over-use their middle relievers? He hates that! I don't Look, I was proud of myself for just knowing they won, okay? He's he's coming! Okay! Everyone be cool! - Can I get a beer? - Oh, sure.
Yeah! Enjoy a cold one.
That's what this place is for! That's what we do here, we drink beers, buddy.
[ALL GIGGLING.]
There you go! Okay.
When was the last time you saw Fred drink a beer after 9:00? Didn't he already switch to Jack and coke? Yeah.
And you would think with the new soda gun Oh! The soda gun.
He's mad because we hired the guy to fix the soda gun.
Good old-fashioned case of Fred Versus Man.
Or or is this Fred Versus Himself? Some deep stuff goin' on here.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
All right, so Fred's in a funk.
He's feeling bad about Cory fixing the soda gun that he could never fix.
Oh, poor Fred.
You think he was also upset that Cory and I had so much sexual chemistry? Yeah, probably.
We gotta do something.
Sad Fred makes me sad.
It's contagious.
It brings down the whole bar! Look at Skip.
He's a wreck! All right, okay, well, let's cheer him up.
- Ideas? - I know.
We could get him a rabbit.
[LAUGHS.]
Weird first thought.
Where did that come from? Do you want a rabbit, or do you have a rabbit you wanna get rid of? Here's a crazy suggestion.
What if one of us went over there and talked to him? With their mouth? Are you insane? Fred doesn't talk about his feelings.
Once, in a moment of weakness, he said he felt "chilly," and then immediately made us promise to never speak of it again.
All right, let's just run the "Cheer Fred Up" playbook.
Bill, go put on "Rich Girl" on the jukebox.
It's his third favorite song.
It'll put him in a good mood.
He loves songs about women doing well financially.
And James, you go suggest a game of dominoes.
Right.
And then I'll let him win.
You won't have to, because you've never, ever won.
And I won't start now.
We're on the same page, Abby.
Okay, and finally, Fred's always complaining about dimness, so we'll turn the lights up a little bit.
And if none of that works, then I'll call the pet store.
James, no! I'm sorry! I couldn't remember where we landed on the rabbit idea.
Are we pro, con? We're con? We're con? Are we sure? Fred hates dimness.
Someone's gotta bite the bullet.
Does this help? It says here, "After a fatal electrocution, the body typically presents "as black or gray, and the eyeballs may be jellied or missing all together.
" Thanks, James.
Cool tip.
Okay, get back in there.
Come on.
You got this.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, Beth, that was so scary! Hey! Shh, it's okay.
It's okay, now.
You did it! You plugged in that thing! Ah, excuse me, I'm so sorry.
Do you think that I could go first? We sort of have a plan unfolding here.
Yeah.
The plan is I'm gonna put on Sade and go make out with Ted.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah here's the thing.
Um, I never really get to be part of the plan, you know, so this is a very big deal for me.
When I was a child, we moved around a lot Angie, let him play his song.
We both know you're gonna make out with Ted either way.
[MOUTHING.]
Thank you.
You're a rich girl and you've gone too far 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway You can rely on the old man's money You can rely on the old man's money It's a bitch, girl, but it's gone too far 'Cause you know it don't matter anyway Oh! Ha.
Hey, Fred, what's goin' on? Not much.
Bocce got a little ugly.
Teresa lost the dog, and she went double or nothing for their kids.
Uh you know it's been a long time since we played a game of dominoes.
Really? No reaction at all to people betting their human children? I can't take that on right now.
- Anything? - I can't tell.
Oh, here comes James.
Without Fred.
What happened? He didn't feel like playing.
And it gets worse.
He said he was gonna go smoke a cigarette in his car.
Oh, dear God, he's trying to fast-track emphysema.
Yeah.
Rabbit idea ain't looking so stupid now, is it? - So what happens now? - All right, let's take stock.
Fred's mad 'cause he couldn't fix the soda gun, and someone else could.
Once again, we have underestimated the fragility of the male ego.
Since we've exhausted all the other options, I think it's time to pull out the big gun.
I say we give him The Token.
- Ooh! - Whoa.
- The Token? - What's The Token? The Token is the stuff of legend, Bill.
It dates back to 2015.
It was the second round of the Farmers Insurance Open.
Phil Mickelson had just come off the green of Torrey Pines number 8.
His ball marker slipped right out his pocket.
I grabbed it.
Okay.
So The Token, this magical talisman that's gonna solve all of our problems, is actually a piece of plastic that James stole from a golfer.
Yes.
But more importantly, The Token bestows upon the holder a special privilege here at Abby's one week - of unlimited free drinks.
- Unlimited drinks? That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Somebody should take this Token and throw it in the trash.
Shut your dirty mouth, Bill.
Listen, no matter how upset Fred is about the soda gun, his two favorite words, "free" and "drinks" - will smooth things over.
- Receiving The Token is a rare honor only been used a couple times.
Skip got it when he was acquitted of manslaughter.
My man did it, though.
He did it.
A rich girl, oh You're the rich, rich girl, yeah What is so important, and what is all this talk of a rabbit? Hey! Uh Come sit over here, Fred.
- Why? - No reason.
No reason at all.
Let the ceremony begin.
"Inside this box is an object of such power "that to touch it with bare hands would bring disrespect to all we hold dear.
" Is this still that piece of plastic garbage - you mentioned earlier? - Shh! - The ceremony.
- "It goes by many names "The Coin of Consumption, "The Boozer's Doubloon, "The Fun-Time Dime of Torrey Pines.
"Whosoever holds this Token, if she or he be worthy, "shall possess the power of seven full days of free imbibu-malation.
" God, how drunk were we when we wrote this? Like a seven? "We present to you now, Fred, "the sacred treasure of infinite joy and beverages, "and, as we pass unto you this Token, "we begin, as we must, the most holy blessing of The Token.
"Our Token, who art in Abby's, "drinking be thy game.
"Your will be done, "because drinking is fun.
"Also, if Phil Mickelson ever shows up, everyone pretend this never happened.
" What are you doing? Why are you giving me The Token? Well, we noticed you were having a bad night, and we wanted to cheer you up.
I'm not having a bad There's no reason to give me The Token.
Whoa! Hey, Fred, what are you doing? You don't walk away from The Token.
Yeah, I can.
I don't want it.
Now, put the white gloves back on and put it back properly.
- Fred, take The Tok - I don't want Oh, my God! It fell.
Abby, I'm not wearing the gloves, so I can't touch it.
Is it okay? James, it's a piece of plastic that dropped 3 feet onto the grass it's fine.
It touched the ground?! Now the gnomes are gonna get us.
Well, that's the legend.
That's That's what we wrote! Maybe we were closer to a ten.
Fred, what the hell? Why would you do that? That was an accident.
But I don't like being patronized.
I'm not a child who needs to be coddled with some cheap bribe.
- Cheap? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! The Token is scared! What? I'm gonna have to start saying stuff like that eventually.
This is basically like a cult I've joined.
- I'm going back to my car.
- Fred, come on.
No, you're not leaving like this.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
Abby, what are you do I got 100 pounds on you.
Oh, my God! You're freakishly strong! - Let go! - No! You let go of whatever you're mad about! You let go of my actual body.
Metaphorical letting go first.
That's a rule I just decided on.
We got an emergency.
I'm gonna find my binder and look up fi I'm having a panic attack.
Somebody else get the binder and look up panic attack.
Abby, will you just let me be? [CRACK.]
No! I'm so sorry.
It's The Token.
This is all my fault.
Leave us.
I said leave us! I feel bad for Fred feeling all fungible.
Able to be easily replaced? We learned it two hours ago! This is untenable! Oh, untenable? Last Wednesday's word? Damn you people! I don't get it.
Why is he freaking out so much about now being the bar's plumber? Oh, wait.
I think I might know.
Are you gonna tell me or just gonna brag about how smart you are? It's not that Fred just wants to be useful here at the bar.
It's that he wants to be useful to you.
What do you mean? Okay.
For six straight years, every day, I put toothpaste on my kid's toothbrush.
Then one day, he comes downstairs with his teeth already brushed.
Did it all by himself.
He didn't need me anymore.
It was like a knife in my heart.
I cried the whole day.
Really? No.
Pfft.
I mean, I didn't.
I'm dead inside.
It's my friend Lisa's story.
She's weak.
But you see the point, right? You know, you let someone do what he normally does you made him feel like you don't need him.
Fred knows what a crappy dad you got, and, you know, he shows his love by looking out for you.
You're the closest thing to a daughter he's ever gonna have.
Hey, Abby.
I've assessed the damage done to The Token, and now I'll start the delicate process of restoration.
You know, I hate to be a hard-ass, but you should really have the gloves on when you touch that.
Oh, jeez, Fred, you didn't wanna crack a window, let the smoke out? No.
I paid good money for this smoke.
I really want you to have this.
I told you, I don't want that.
I'm just I'm doing a thing.
Play along open the box.
Mmm! What am I supposed to do with this? Whatever you want.
Throw it away.
I don't care.
I don't need Cory.
- I've got you.
- Hmm.
Thought he was a soda gun wizard.
Well, he's fine, but he's no Fred.
Hmm.
I remember the first thing I fixed for you.
It was your bike wheel.
You were eight years old.
Do you remember that? I didn't know what I was doing, but I winged it, and it worked.
Yeah, I remember.
I mean, it absolutely did not work.
You know that, right? The chain fell off, and I went head first over the handlebars.
I still have a scar.
Hmm.
But it was nice to have somebody around who actually cared.
- Well, I still do.
- I know.
And believe me, I need you around.
I just wolfed down that burrito you brought me.
It was the first food I'd had all day.
So thank you.
Yeah.
Supposed to be a chimichanga, but whatever.
[DEEP INHALE.]
Happy to help.
Now, something I wanna bring up with you how well do you know your neighbors? 'Cause I am pretty sure I just watched somebody dig what looked like a shallow grave.
Yeah.
They breed guinea pigs, and a lot of them don't work out.
Oh.
We should go inside.
Abs? How 'bout a Jack and Coke? Jack and Coke comin' right up.
Hey, there's my guy.
Mmm that takes me back.
- Beth, you smoked? - Yeah.
Quit right after the twins were born.
Hey, uh, point of order.
I know I didn't actually physically accept The Token, but it just seems like under the circumstances Ooh, Fred, that was a limited-time offer.
You know that you were secretary of the Token Council.
A council? That is ridiculous.
But also, is that an elected position? 'Cause I Ab, we both know The Token Covenant - is a living document.
- No can do, Fred.
But I will give you this one for free.
Yay.
This stool is kinda wobbly.
Maybe I should call hot Cory.
Hang on.
There may be no need.
I have something that might just do the trick.
There you go.
Thanks.
No need to call hot Cory now.
Monogamy, you live to fight another day.
James, what's wrong? We had a real emergency, and I froze.
I let everybody down.
No, you didn't.
The emergency plan isn't all on you.
We look out for each other.
Look at Abby and Fred.
And, uh, you and Bill have your weird thing.
Yeah.
We fell asleep on the phone together the other night.
That's the emergency plan.
We all help each other out however we can.
What happened to you there? I got a little electrocuted.
Rosie, remain calm.
It's gonna be fine.
Head of Bar Security's on it.
Thanks.
Hey, James, I'm taking off, but, uh later? I can't explain it.
It all happened so fast.