Abby's (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

Backup

1 "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.
You ever think about how numbers are spelled? No, because I'm normal, but go ahead.
We start with one, O-N-E.
First number out of the gate.
Already it's spelled weird.
One should clearly start with a W.
And then we get two, which does have a W, but shouldn't.
We're doin' shots, bitches.
- [ALL HOWL] - Well, that was uncouth.
Number talk, huh? I can get behind this.
A lot of numbers in engineering, shapes too.
We got lines, vectors which, before you jump all over me, are not the same thing.
Numbers aren't all spelled bad.
Three is solid.
Six is incredible.
I love six.
It really gets the job done.
Mm-hmm.
We need more tequila shots, sweetie.
Well, neither of us looks like a sweetie, so he must be talking to someone else.
I was called a doll once, and it did not end well.
Oh, my God, I never thought about eight before.
Eight is wild.
E, what? I, why? G, I don't even know what we're spelling anymore.
Holy mother of God, there's an H after that.
This place has a bathroom? Dude, we're in an outdoor bar.
- The whole thing's a bathroom.
- Ah, totally.
Abby, you gonna do something about this? Because I am ready to tee off on someone.
I just spent two hours trying to get out of a gym membership, and I'm still a member.
Yeah, they're outta here.
James, would you like to do the honor of bouncing them? Yeah, I'm gonna go right now.
But here's the thing, and I forgot to tell you.
I can't.
My doctor says I might have bumpy spine.
Oh, James, bumpy spine is a real thing, and it's very serious.
You think I got bumpy spine? [ROLLICKING GUITAR MUSIC] [BOTH GRUNTING] Yeah! Whoo! All right, I'm goin' in.
Hey, five bucks if you can work in a cool action movie one-liner.
You're on.
Sorry, bros, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Well, we don't wanna leave.
Yeah, but see, what you Look at me.
Look at me.
I'm the captain now.
You're not gonna give her full credit for that? She should have done the voice, although I get why that's dicey.
No, seriously, you guys have to go or I'll make you go.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, okay, I think that we've all had enough fun here.
- Please leave.
- Bill, stand down.
I got this.
You see, I'm the owner of the property, and if I call the cops, they're gonna say it was time to go the moment I told you to, and every second after that is criminal trespassing.
They get it, Bill.
You're mad, and you're upper middle class.
Then I'm gonna have to hire a whole team of lawyers to file a civil suit, which, win or lose, is gonna cost you tens of thousands of dollars each.
Is that what you really want? [LAUGHS] That's right, get.
Did you just say "get"? Yeah, well, I was gonna say, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, but then I realized the door opens out, so that would not be possible.
Sort of harkens back to the vectors that I mentioned before.
And that is sort of the origin story of get.
Good job, Bill, very impressive.
That was pretty kick ass, though, right? Maybe even worthy of a drink? A free drink, not a drink named after me.
Although If you were gonna name a drink after me, maybe it'd be something like, um, I mean, just off the top of my head, the Invinci-Bill.
Maybe that has wine and Sprite in it, huh? Or the Billini, which would also have wine and Sprite.
I'd like a wine and Sprite, please.
Yeah, Bill, we should name a drink after you.
I'm gonna call it, If You Ever Butt In Like That Again, I'll Tie Your Penis into a Knot.
Hold on, you're mad at me for helping you? Yes, Bill.
If something like that ever happens again, please, stay the hell out of it.
I got a name for your drink: the piña Billada.
My mug! What happened? I don't know.
I love this mug.
I got it in Reno when the twins were born.
Wait, you took a trip to Reno when you were nine months pregnant? No, I took a trip to Reno when I was eight months pregnant and I lost track of time.
Who the hell did this? I promise I won't be mad, but who? Yes, who is the correct question because it suggests we don't know.
Really, no one is gonna own up to this? I'm so sorry, Beth.
I'm gonna help you find out who did this.
No, Rosie, that that won't be necessary because, Beth I am the one who's gonna find out who did this.
Thank you, James, and when you find the coward, I want you to take this shard and sketch my face into their forehead.
That shard looks a little too big for the detail work.
Let me get this straight: I did something nice No, no, you did not do something nice.
I had a basketball, I was about to dunk it, and then you took the ball out of my hands and you dunked it yourself.
Does this discussion have to take place right here? I'm working on the crossword puzzle, and it's Saturday's, so I'm trying to lock in.
Abby, I was just trying to help you.
Bill, I did not need your help.
Okay, see, I'm doing it in ink.
Maybe you guys would want to argue on the back benches or in a different backyard.
You acted like I was some damsel in distress who needed you to come to my rescue.
- I did not.
I just - And you just had to save the day with your legal mumbo jumbo, like the world's most boring knight in the world's most business casual armor.
I didn't step in because I know legal mumbo jumbo.
I got in there because I'm well, you know, because I'm bigger than you.
[SCOFFS] You guys win.
This is more interesting than my puzzle.
So you think you're so strong and I'm so weak? Bill, I was a Marine, okay? I can take you down 50 different ways.
Look at your neck.
There's, like, eight ways right there.
Just from an objective standpoint, I have a larger frame than you, that's all.
My biology gives me certain mechanical advantages.
Bill has a point.
Say there was a nine-year-old with a black belt that wanted to fight me.
It doesn't matter that he has a black belt.
He's tiny, and I'm a giant.
That kid is going down.
With all due respect, Fred, my sons know a nine-year-old named Evan Lefkowitz.
He would destroy you.
Huh.
Anyplace, anytime, any kid.
The thing is, Abby, I'm an engineer.
- Oh, really? - Oh, that again.
And as an engineer, I have to consider things like Newtonian force.
It's all about fulcrum placement.
You got one lever in this case, it's my arm starts way up here.
Do you want to see what happens when this pump gets primed? - Because I don't.
- No, Bill, I don't want to see when anything of yours gets primed.
You don't know what primed means in this sort of Abby, Bill, come on.
You're both adults.
This bickering is silly.
We should solve this thing in a mature, grown-up way.
The two of you should put your hands into the ice bin for 30 seconds and then open a big jar of olives.
Yes, because that is classically the correct way to handle this sort of situation.
And if I win, Bill apologizes.
And just to be clear, I'm apologizing for helping you.
- Yes, that is correct.
- All right, fine, you're on.
I don't open a lot of olive jars, but I do open a lot of pickle jars.
And I'm fairly certain that my skills in that area will transfer over to this new area.
Bill, I gotta tell ya, that is some weak-ass trash talk.
Ugh, what's wrong with this wine? It tastes terrible.
It's pinot grigio from Ottawa.
What do you expect? It's the mug.
The wine doesn't taste right because I'm not drinking out of my Reno mug.
What if alcohol never tastes the same again and I end up drinking less? What if I wake up in the morning feeling okay? James, where are we on the investigation? It's, uh it's coming along.
I just need to get a black light on Amazon Prime, so we're looking at, like, two business days right there.
Could I speak to you for a second? You broke the mug, didn't you? How did you know? You have a tell.
Every time you lie, you're terrible at it.
Look, I know Beth can be a little scary, but she deserves to know what happened.
You're right.
Okay, here I go.
- So, Beth - What do you got? Did you find the gutless rat that broke my mug? I did, and I didn't have to look too far to find him, either.
It was Dan! Who's Dan? Me, I'm Dan.
Did you need something? I can't hear well out of my left ear.
Enough excuses, Dan, if that's even your real name.
That's probably not even your real mustache either.
All right, so we got Bill versus Abby in a test of strength and toughness.
If Abby wins, Bill apologizes, and if Bill wins, we just kind of keep goin' how we're goin'.
When I say go, you both put your hands into the ice for as long as it takes me to finish my beer.
Are you ready? On your mark, set, go.
Okay, no, this is fine.
This isn't bad.
This isn't bad oh, my God, it's so bad! Oh! Fred, I know for a fact you can drink faster than that.
Hey, Rosie, that guy ever text you back? - No, he called.
- Oh, wow.
So I was right.
He is a psychopath.
Knives, knives as fingers.
And open the jars.
[GASPING] All right, Abby, you got this.
Nice and easy.
Just gotta [JAR THUDS] Butterfingers.
Frozen Butterfingers, which are delicious, but that's a guaranteed trip to the dentist.
Everything okay, Abs? Yeah, just trying to get a grip.
Ah, done.
- What? - Why do you all look so shocked? I told you I had pickle jar skills.
I also predicted that those skills would carry over into this new area.
Do you remember, from the trash talk? No, no, I didn't lose.
You cheated.
You dropped the jar.
That must have loosened it.
This doesn't prove you're stronger than me.
We gotta do another challenge.
Abby, let it go, all right? Just admit that I'm the champ and you're the chump and we'll move on.
No, no, I challenge you to literally anything else.
How about a duel? Not with guns, obviously, but with swords.
I have swords! Or, or, a keg carry! Yes, we'll do a keg carry! - What? - Yeah, I'll clear this area, and we'll see who can carry a full keg around the bar the fastest.
But that's gonna be hard for me to do because the grill is lit and my hands are burning.
[WHIMPERS] Why don't you let us handle the bar - until your hands feel better? - Guys, I'm fine.
You're not fine.
You burned both of your hands.
- You're in pain.
- No, really, I'm okay.
Somebody high-five me.
Do it! Interesting.
I never thought I'd say this, Bill, but I need to know right now what you think is interesting.
I just realized why you got so upset when I stepped in before.
It's not about me.
You have a problem accepting help from anyone.
That's not true.
When people hold doors open for me, I walk through them.
I don't just stand there like some weirdo.
All right, fine, prove me wrong.
Let them help you with the bar.
- No problem.
- [PHONE RINGS] Fred, would you be so kind as to answer the phone for me? Yes.
Hello? No, this is Abby's, not Arby's.
Yeah, there's one on Midway Drive.
There's one, uh, well, the Mission Gorge Road one, their bathroom requires a key code so I do.
It's pound 9244.
Yeah, whoa, what are you doing over there? Oh, there's just a little pileup here and there's a maraschino cherry sticking to one of the glasses, - so I'm just gonna turn on the sink.
- You don't have to do that because you don't have a problem accepting help.
Beth can do it, right? Sure, I'm always happy to help.
Actually, that's not true at all.
But I will do this now.
Cool.
Yep, okay.
Yeah, yeah, I'll just just go inside and, uh, I'll just let this happen, yeah.
Let us know if you need anything.
I don't will do.
Dan, you've been accused of a bar crime, breaking the mug of a regular.
Now, in accordance with rule 84, the trial will now begin and you will have 30 seconds to defend yourself.
Go! Oh, no, I It wasn't me.
I love mugs.
I have my own mugs at home.
I even drink soup out of mugs.
I would never break a mug.
Ask my friends.
I mean, once when we were in Oregon, he did break a plate.
[ALL GASP] Jessica, why? A pattern emerges.
Well, now that all the evidence is in, who votes guilty? Oh, no, but I'm innocent.
Dan, we just had an exhaustive trial.
You're guilty.
What's up? You're really gonna pin this on Dan? I have to.
Beth is scary, and we don't have a lot in common.
We're not tight like you and Abby or me and Bill or Dan and Jessica, although I think that's over now.
I'm just saying, I feel like if she finds out I broke her mug, she might cut me out of her life or cut me with that big shard.
And if she puts her face on my face, when I go to the club, who ID I'ma use? Dan, as per rule 84, subsection B, I hereby sentence you to an evening in the sprinkler chair.
Oh, no.
What's the sprinkler chair? That chair that sits over the faulty sprinkler head, which can go off at any moment.
The punishment is the anticipation of getting wet and also getting wet.
But I don't want to get wet.
Wet man walkin'.
Abby, what are you doing? We got this.
I'm fine, Bill.
Okay, just wallow in all that help.
You know, just let it consume you, like a charitable quicksand.
Could I get a oh, so sorry.
I didn't realize you couldn't do anything.
[LAUGHS] Damn, that must have been hard to hear.
That's it.
Everybody stop helping.
Kind of proving my point here, Abby.
No, no, no, no.
I would happily accept help if I needed it, but right now, I don't need it.
So, you, what do you want? - Um, a bottle of beer.
- Great.
You, go.
A mojito? [GLASS SHATTERS] [ICE CLATTERS] [GLASS SHATTERS] That'll be 7.
50.
Who's next? All that spilled alcohol.
What a waste.
- Hey, Abby.
- Not now, Bill.
I said not now, Bill.
No, Abby, I just want to apologize, okay.
You were upset before and I pushed that stupid point so hard and I'm sorry.
Well, it's not all on you.
It is possible that I may have overreacted when everyone was helping me.
Well, I mean, I would never say that, but other people might say that.
The thing is, Bill, when you just took over with those guys earlier, it set something off in me.
You gotta understand, when I was in the Marines, men were just looking for me to fail, so I worked hard to make sure I never needed help from anybody.
I get that, and, well, honestly, I didn't think I was stepping in before because you're a woman, but if it was Fred or James, I don't know if I would have.
Well, I appreciate you admitting that, but always step in to help James.
[LAUGHS] Here's the thing, though, Abby, you and I are committing an ongoing criminal conspiracy to keep an illegal bar operating, so we should probably learn to take help from one another.
Well, I have to admit, your legal threats were kind of helpful.
See? Yes.
I guess I could use some help with my shoe.
The laces have been untied for an hour, and they're driving me crazy.
I got ya.
[BOTH GRUNTING] - Do you feel better now? - Yes! See, Bill, eight different ways just in the neck.
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, ah.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] Oh, sorry, thought I heard it going off.
False alarm.
My brain is doing most of the torture.
Ah, there it is! Nope, sorry, another falsie.
Beth, I got something I gotta tell you.
I'm the one who broke your mug.
I'm sorry.
What? James, why didn't you say something? Because our relationship is like your mug.
It's fragile.
We don't have anything in common, and I was scared that if you knew I broke your mug, you would cut me out your life or cut me physically.
And if you put your face on my face, that's gonna confuse your kids.
James, come on.
We don't have a lot in common, but I like that.
You know who I have a lot in common with? The moms at school.
They never shut up about their kids and their husbands and their jobs and their charity work.
Ugh, get a life.
We have the most important thing in common that two people can have: we drink together.
That's a sacred bond.
[CLEARS THROAT] [GASPS] My mug.
Yeah, I found most of the pieces, and then Bill filled in the gaps with this 3-D printer thing he overexplained.
And then he glued it all back together.
Did you guys know that Bill's an engineer? - Yeah, it's come up.
- Is that right? Yep, I always keep good glue in my car.
And I see the way you're looking at me, but I think it's cool and I'm glad I told you.
Hey, Dan, I've got news! Oh, oh! [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] It's worse than I thought.
Oh, the water is very highly pressurized.
Oh, I hate this a lot.
It's oh Blood pact to never talk about this again? - Yeah.
- Sounds good.
Four-letter word for "word.
" This clue is like a snake eating itself.
So, uh, yesterday, you said you could beat a nine-year-old with a black belt? Well, this is Evan Lefkowitz.
He just placed in a national competition.
Yeah, he could take me.
[LAUGHS]