Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

Adam Ruins Giving

1 (sighing) Don't forget about the Give-a-thon this afternoon.
Don't forget about the Give-a-thon this afternoon.
Hey, guys, Give-a-thon today.
Give-a-thon this afternoon.
Hey, guys, Give-a-thon today.
Make a difference.
Hey, guys, Give-a-thon today.
Make a difference.
Hi.
Make a difference.
Hi.
(gasping) Hi.
(gasping) Surprise! (gasping) Surprise! (laughing) Surprise! (laughing) Happy birthday, babe.
(laughing) Happy birthday, babe.
You guys! Happy birthday, babe.
You guys! So cool.
You guys! So cool.
I love surprises.
So cool.
I love surprises.
Mwah! I love surprises.
Mwah! Good, 'cause I've got Mwah! Good, 'cause I've got another one.
Emily, you've made me the happiest man in the world.
Will you marry me? the happiest man in the world.
Will you marry me? How sweet.
Will you marry me? How sweet.
He likes it, How sweet.
He likes it, so he's putting a ring on it.
He likes it, so he's putting a ring on it.
But here's a question.
so he's putting a ring on it.
But here's a question.
Why do we put diamond rings But here's a question.
Why do we put diamond rings on things we like at all? Why do we put diamond rings on things we like at all? I don't-- I'm sorry, on things we like at all? I don't-- I'm sorry, who are you? I don't-- I'm sorry, who are you? Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
who are you? Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
Okay.
And this is Okay.
And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" (crackling) (ding-ding) (buzzer) Closed Captions Provided by truTV Is this, like, a TV show? Yeah, it's mine.
It's my TV show.
Yeah, it's mine.
It's my TV show.
Every week, I reveal the awful It's my TV show.
Every week, I reveal the awful truth about a beloved part of Every week, I reveal the awful truth about a beloved part of your world.
truth about a beloved part of your world.
That sounds like a terrible your world.
That sounds like a terrible premise.
That sounds like a terrible premise.
Mmm, no, it's gonna be premise.
Mmm, no, it's gonna be really cool.
Mmm, no, it's gonna be really cool.
And today, our topic is really cool.
And today, our topic is Giving.
And today, our topic is Giving.
Are you serious? Giving.
Are you serious? You're gonna ruin my birthday Are you serious? You're gonna ruin my birthday engagement for your dumb show You're gonna ruin my birthday engagement for your dumb show about how smart you are? engagement for your dumb show about how smart you are? Yup.
about how smart you are? Yup.
Oh, and, uh, just so you know Yup.
Oh, and, uh, just so you know that everything I'm saying is Oh, and, uh, just so you know that everything I'm saying is right, I'll be listing all of that everything I'm saying is right, I'll be listing all of my sources on the screen.
Yes, police, he's 5'9", glasses, very smarmy.
glasses, very smarmy.
So, we may think of the So, we may think of the diamond engagement ring as diamond engagement ring as a timeless symbol of love, but it turns out this ancient tradition was invented less than a century ago by the De Beers tradition was invented less than a century ago by the De Beers Diamond Corporation.
a century ago by the De Beers Diamond Corporation.
Before the 1930s, people didn't Diamond Corporation.
Before the 1930s, people didn't exchange diamond rings when they Before the 1930s, people didn't exchange diamond rings when they got engaged.
exchange diamond rings when they got engaged.
It wasn't a thing.
got engaged.
It wasn't a thing.
Hey, Ethel, what do you say It wasn't a thing.
Hey, Ethel, what do you say we get married? Hey, Ethel, what do you say we get married? Sounds well.
we get married? Sounds well.
What'll you give me, Frank? Sounds well.
What'll you give me, Frank? Well, I've got nothing.
What'll you give me, Frank? Well, I've got nothing.
Except my undying love and Well, I've got nothing.
Except my undying love and devotion.
Except my undying love and devotion.
Sold! Oh, I love ya, Frank! devotion.
Sold! Oh, I love ya, Frank! But in 1938, De Beers Sold! Oh, I love ya, Frank! But in 1938, De Beers launched a massive ad campaign But in 1938, De Beers launched a massive ad campaign claiming that the only way for a launched a massive ad campaign claiming that the only way for a real man to show his love is claiming that the only way for a real man to show his love is with a hunk of crystallized real man to show his love is with a hunk of crystallized carbon.
with a hunk of crystallized carbon.
And we bought it.
carbon.
And we bought it.
Hold on, it says if I don't And we bought it.
Hold on, it says if I don't buy you one of these ring Hold on, it says if I don't buy you one of these ring dealies, then I'm a buy you one of these ring dealies, then I'm a pencil-necked dandy poof.
dealies, then I'm a pencil-necked dandy poof.
And it's on the side of pencil-necked dandy poof.
And it's on the side of a building, so it must be true.
And it's on the side of a building, so it must be true.
In fact, every part of the a building, so it must be true.
In fact, every part of the engagement tradition was In fact, every part of the engagement tradition was designed to make more money engagement tradition was designed to make more money for De Beers.
designed to make more money for De Beers.
Like, how much did you drop on for De Beers.
Like, how much did you drop on that rock? Like, how much did you drop on that rock? Four grand.
that rock? Four grand.
What? That's more than Four grand.
What? That's more than your car.
What? That's more than your car.
My dad said the rule was two your car.
My dad said the rule was two months' salary.
My dad said the rule was two months' salary.
Dude, that's not a rule.
months' salary.
Dude, that's not a rule.
That's just an arbitrary number Dude, that's not a rule.
That's just an arbitrary number from an old De Beers' That's just an arbitrary number from an old De Beers' ad campaign.
from an old De Beers' ad campaign.
Buy her a diamond worth ad campaign.
Buy her a diamond worth one month's salary.
Buy her a diamond worth one month's salary.
She'll be sure to love you one month's salary.
She'll be sure to love you eterni-ally.
She'll be sure to love you eterni-ally.
Uh profits are down.
eterni-ally.
Uh profits are down.
Better make it two months.
Uh profits are down.
Better make it two months.
This has gotta be the most Better make it two months.
This has gotta be the most successful ad campaign This has gotta be the most successful ad campaign of all time.
successful ad campaign of all time.
Like, think if every brand of all time.
Like, think if every brand could do this.
Like, think if every brand could do this.
In 50 years, we'd all be could do this.
In 50 years, we'd all be going Oh, sweetie, the same thing again? again? Well, you know that old rule.
Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime.
pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime.
When pizza's on a bagel, pizza at suppertime.
When pizza's on a bagel, you must eat pizza all the time.
When pizza's on a bagel, you must eat pizza all the time.
No, there's no crime.
you must eat pizza all the time.
No, there's no crime.
He's just telling us a lot No, there's no crime.
He's just telling us a lot of annoying facts.
He's just telling us a lot of annoying facts.
(beep, dial tone) of annoying facts.
(beep, dial tone) Hello? Hello?! (beep, dial tone) Hello? Hello?! Well, it's not like I threw Hello? Hello?! Well, it's not like I threw my money away.
Well, it's not like I threw my money away.
I mean, at least the ring my money away.
I mean, at least the ring is worth something.
I mean, at least the ring is worth something.
Actually, diamonds are is worth something.
Actually, diamonds are intrinsically worthless.
Actually, diamonds are intrinsically worthless.
I refuse to believe that.
intrinsically worthless.
I refuse to believe that.
Oh, well, maybe you'll I refuse to believe that.
Oh, well, maybe you'll believe De Beers Chairman Oh, well, maybe you'll believe De Beers Chairman Nicky Oppenheimer, who was once believe De Beers Chairman Nicky Oppenheimer, who was once quoted as saying: No, I refuse to believe you.
Yeah, you're just some guy with a basic cable show.
Yeah, you're just some guy with a basic cable show.
I mean, it's not like you wrote with a basic cable show.
I mean, it's not like you wrote the book on it.
I mean, it's not like you wrote the book on it.
No, but Edward Jay Epstein the book on it.
No, but Edward Jay Epstein did.
No, but Edward Jay Epstein did.
Hey, Ed.
did.
Hey, Ed.
Hi, Adam.
Hey, Ed.
Hi, Adam.
He's a journalist who's Hi, Adam.
He's a journalist who's written about the De Beers He's a journalist who's written about the De Beers diamond cartel for over 30 written about the De Beers diamond cartel for over 30 years, and he's the foremost diamond cartel for over 30 years, and he's the foremost expert on the subject.
years, and he's the foremost expert on the subject.
Well, crud.
expert on the subject.
Well, crud.
Have you ever tired Well, crud.
Have you ever tired to sell a diamond? Have you ever tired to sell a diamond? Well, I have.
When I was writing my book, I took a diamond that someone I took a diamond that someone had paid $6,000 for had paid $6,000 for the day before, the day before, and I took it from one and I took it from one diamond store to another diamond store to another diamond store in New York.
And you know what I was offered? Less than $1,000.
I know that, 'cause I read Less than $1,000.
I know that, 'cause I read the book, so I know that, 'cause I read the book, so That diamond had lost the book, so That diamond had lost five-sixths of its value That diamond had lost five-sixths of its value overnight.
five-sixths of its value overnight.
So, diamonds aren't a great overnight.
So, diamonds aren't a great investment per se? So, diamonds aren't a great investment per se? Face it, kid.
investment per se? Face it, kid.
You got ripped off.
Face it, kid.
You got ripped off.
Thanks, Ed.
You got ripped off.
Thanks, Ed.
Aah! Thanks, Ed.
Aah! The thing is, diamonds aren't Aah! The thing is, diamonds aren't rare at all.
The thing is, diamonds aren't rare at all.
In fact, they're quite common.
rare at all.
In fact, they're quite common.
The only reason diamonds are In fact, they're quite common.
The only reason diamonds are even expensive is that De Beers The only reason diamonds are even expensive is that De Beers has a global monopoly on diamond even expensive is that De Beers has a global monopoly on diamond mining and they artificially has a global monopoly on diamond mining and they artificially restrict the supply to jack mining and they artificially restrict the supply to jack the prices up.
restrict the supply to jack the prices up.
But in reality, those (bleep) the prices up.
But in reality, those (bleep) have a (bleep) ton of them.
But in reality, those (bleep) have a (bleep) ton of them.
These are extremely rare.
Pay no attention to that.
And that's why De Beers wants us to think a diamond And that's why De Beers wants us to think a diamond is forever.
wants us to think a diamond is forever.
As long as we never try to is forever.
As long as we never try to sell them, we'll never figure As long as we never try to sell them, we'll never figure out how badly we got screwed.
sell them, we'll never figure out how badly we got screwed.
Okay, so what can we out how badly we got screwed.
Okay, so what can we do about it? Okay, so what can we do about it? Nothing-- a century of do about it? Nothing-- a century of advertising has embedded Nothing-- a century of advertising has embedded the diamond engagement ring advertising has embedded the diamond engagement ring so deeply in our culture that the diamond engagement ring so deeply in our culture that even knowing all that doesn't so deeply in our culture that even knowing all that doesn't stop us from wanting them.
even knowing all that doesn't stop us from wanting them.
He's right, stop us from wanting them.
He's right, I still want that rock.
He's right, I still want that rock.
Great, um, well, then, I still want that rock.
Great, um, well, then, here's some worthless junk I was Great, um, well, then, here's some worthless junk I was tricked into buying from an here's some worthless junk I was tricked into buying from an international cartel, I guess.
tricked into buying from an international cartel, I guess.
Well, it isn't worthless international cartel, I guess.
Well, it isn't worthless to me.
Well, it isn't worthless to me.
It means you love me.
to me.
It means you love me.
Because De Beers told you It means you love me.
Because De Beers told you that's what it means.
Because De Beers told you that's what it means.
Whatever.
that's what it means.
Whatever.
Now that that's over.
Oh.
(laughs) Here's a present for the Oh.
(laughs) Here's a present for the bride-to-be.
Here's a present for the bride-to-be.
Ooh, thank you.
bride-to-be.
Ooh, thank you.
(clearing throat) Ooh, thank you.
(clearing throat) Oh, it's a pair of TOMS shoes.
(clearing throat) Oh, it's a pair of TOMS shoes.
Oh, these are so wonderful.
Oh, it's a pair of TOMS shoes.
Oh, these are so wonderful.
Every time you buy one, Oh, these are so wonderful.
Every time you buy one, they give one to a child Every time you buy one, they give one to a child What are you doing here? they give one to a child What are you doing here? Well, there's something you What are you doing here? Well, there's something you should know about TOMS shoes.
Well, there's something you should know about TOMS shoes.
Oh, crap.
should know about TOMS shoes.
Oh, crap.
(school bell ringing) Okay, class is about to start so get the hell out.
Okay, class is about to start so get the hell out.
Hi, kids, I'm Adam.
start so get the hell out.
Hi, kids, I'm Adam.
Good morning, Adam.
Hi, kids, I'm Adam.
Good morning, Adam.
Don't say my name in unison.
Good morning, Adam.
Don't say my name in unison.
It promotes blind obedience.
Don't say my name in unison.
It promotes blind obedience.
And don't give me apples.
It promotes blind obedience.
And don't give me apples.
But an apple a day And don't give me apples.
But an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
No, kid, that's just an keeps the doctor away.
No, kid, that's just an ad slogan created by the No, kid, that's just an ad slogan created by the apple industry.
ad slogan created by the apple industry.
In fact, until the late 19th apple industry.
In fact, until the late 19th century, apples were exclusively In fact, until the late 19th century, apples were exclusively used to make hard cider.
century, apples were exclusively used to make hard cider.
It wasn't until the temperance used to make hard cider.
It wasn't until the temperance movement that-- It wasn't until the temperance movement that-- Hey, stay on track.
movement that-- Hey, stay on track.
Sorry, save that for another Hey, stay on track.
Sorry, save that for another episode.
Sorry, save that for another episode.
We all know TOMS shoes.
episode.
We all know TOMS shoes.
Their "Buy one, give one" We all know TOMS shoes.
Their "Buy one, give one" business model has made them Their "Buy one, give one" business model has made them massively successful.
business model has made them massively successful.
What if I started a shoe massively successful.
What if I started a shoe company, and every time What if I started a shoe company, and every time I sold a pair of shoes, company, and every time I sold a pair of shoes, I gave a pair away? I sold a pair of shoes, I gave a pair away? I gave a pair away? (sighs) (sighs) I love Tom.
(sighs) I love Tom.
Well, there is no Tom.
I love Tom.
Well, there is no Tom.
(all gasp and exclaim) Well, there is no Tom.
(all gasp and exclaim) Oh, no-no-no, he's just a myth.
(all gasp and exclaim) Oh, no-no-no, he's just a myth.
Like Santa Claus.
Oh, no-no-no, he's just a myth.
Like Santa Claus.
(all gasp and exclaim) Like Santa Claus.
(all gasp and exclaim) What the heck? (all gasp and exclaim) What the heck? I know, I was surprised too.
What the heck? I know, I was surprised too.
But the real owner of TOMS I know, I was surprised too.
But the real owner of TOMS is a guy named Blake Mycoskie.
But the real owner of TOMS is a guy named Blake Mycoskie.
And as noble as Blake's is a guy named Blake Mycoskie.
And as noble as Blake's intentions may be, the "Buy one, And as noble as Blake's intentions may be, the "Buy one, give one" model is incredibly intentions may be, the "Buy one, give one" model is incredibly misguided.
give one" model is incredibly misguided.
(girl sobbing) misguided.
(girl sobbing) Oh (girl sobbing) Oh I'm sorry, I don't know Oh I'm sorry, I don't know how to talk to kids.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to talk to kids.
Oh, geez.
how to talk to kids.
Oh, geez.
Hey, darlin' Oh, geez.
Hey, darlin' you like questioning Hey, darlin' you like questioning social norms or you like questioning social norms or Oh, never mind.
social norms or Oh, never mind.
(muttering) Oh, never mind.
(muttering) Great.
(muttering) Great.
So, we're done here.
Great.
So, we're done here.
Yeah, let's leave.
So, we're done here.
Yeah, let's leave.
(zap, whoosh, crackle) Yeah, let's leave.
(zap, whoosh, crackle) (kids whispering) (zap, whoosh, crackle) (kids whispering) Teacher's gone! (kids whispering) Teacher's gone! (all screaming) Teacher's gone! (all screaming) What? How did we? (all screaming) What? How did we? Oh, it's my show, so I can What? How did we? Oh, it's my show, so I can just like, whatever.
Oh, it's my show, so I can just like, whatever.
It's not common knowledge, but just like, whatever.
It's not common knowledge, but before Blake founded TOMS shoes, It's not common knowledge, but before Blake founded TOMS shoes, he was a reality star who before Blake founded TOMS shoes, he was a reality star who appeared on "The Amazing Race" he was a reality star who appeared on "The Amazing Race" and Fox's "Sexiest Bachelor appeared on "The Amazing Race" and Fox's "Sexiest Bachelor in America" pageant, and Fox's "Sexiest Bachelor in America" pageant, where he gave away something in America" pageant, where he gave away something even more valuable than shoes-- where he gave away something even more valuable than shoes-- dat ass.
even more valuable than shoes-- dat ass.
Really? dat ass.
Really? Whoa.
Really? Whoa.
But while on a trip to Whoa.
But while on a trip to Argentina, Blake saw the But while on a trip to Argentina, Blake saw the devastating effects of poverty Argentina, Blake saw the devastating effects of poverty with his own piercing blue eyes.
devastating effects of poverty with his own piercing blue eyes.
And he decided then and with his own piercing blue eyes.
And he decided then and there to devote his life And he decided then and there to devote his life to helping the needy there to devote his life to helping the needy by giving them shoes.
to helping the needy by giving them shoes.
Yeah, he's a generous guy.
by giving them shoes.
Yeah, he's a generous guy.
Is he? Is it generous Yeah, he's a generous guy.
Is he? Is it generous to give people something Is he? Is it generous to give people something they don't want or need? to give people something they don't want or need? What are you talking about? they don't want or need? What are you talking about? People in those countries What are you talking about? People in those countries need shoes.
People in those countries need shoes.
Do they? need shoes.
Do they? Yeah Do they? Yeah How do you know? Yeah How do you know? I don't know, uh How do you know? I don't know, uh When I picture someone in I don't know, uh When I picture someone in Africa, I imagine them living in When I picture someone in Africa, I imagine them living in a village, you know, with no Africa, I imagine them living in a village, you know, with no shoes and no clothes and a village, you know, with no shoes and no clothes and They live in this cute little shoes and no clothes and They live in this cute little hut with an elephant and They live in this cute little hut with an elephant and everyone's always playing music hut with an elephant and everyone's always playing music and walking around with water everyone's always playing music and walking around with water jugs on their heads and and walking around with water jugs on their heads and Oh, my God, this is jugs on their heads and Oh, my God, this is condescending, isn't it? Oh, my God, this is condescending, isn't it? Tell you what, why don't we condescending, isn't it? Tell you what, why don't we just ask someone from Africa? Tell you what, why don't we just ask someone from Africa? Yeah, we should prob just ask someone from Africa? Yeah, we should prob Yeah, let's do that.
Yeah, let's do that.
Hey, Teddy, how's it going? Hey, Teddy, how's it going? Hey, Adam.
Hey, Adam.
I want you to meet I want you to meet my friend Emily.
Um, do you have shoes in Uganda? in Uganda? Surprisingly, yes, Surprisingly, yes, we do have shoes.
we do have shoes.
We also have shoe stores, We also have shoe stores, and we also have cobblers.
and we also have cobblers.
But what about those TOMS But what about those TOMS ads, you know, with, with all ads, you know, with, with all the videos of the shoeless the videos of the shoeless children? children? That's what we call That's what we call "poverty porn.
" "poverty porn.
" They find the most extreme They find the most extreme situations and make it look situations and make it look like the most common situation like the most common situation on the continent.
Shoes is the least of our problems, really, guys.
problems, really, guys.
We're worried about malaria.
We're worried about malaria.
We're worried about getting We're worried about getting jobs, we're just worried about jobs, we're just worried about having electricity in the having electricity in the village, for example.
village, for example.
Well, if those kids don't Well, if those kids don't need free shoes, why did they need free shoes, why did they take them in the first place? take them in the first place? A kid doesn't understand A kid doesn't understand the ramifications of me the ramifications of me receiving these free shoes receiving these free shoes from somebody in America.
from somebody in America.
Like what kind of Like what kind of ramifications? Well, what it does is ramifications? Well, what it does is actually put people who are Well, what it does is actually put people who are creating shoes right out of actually put people who are creating shoes right out of business.
creating shoes right out of business.
It takes way the agency of the business.
It takes way the agency of the community to be It takes way the agency of the community to be self-sustaining.
community to be self-sustaining.
Yeah, one study showed that self-sustaining.
Yeah, one study showed that free clothing donations to Yeah, one study showed that free clothing donations to Africa reduced employment in free clothing donations to Africa reduced employment in their garment industry by half.
Africa reduced employment in their garment industry by half.
Am I clay? their garment industry by half.
Am I clay? And here's the kicker.
Am I clay? And here's the kicker.
The shoes TOMS gives away cost And here's the kicker.
The shoes TOMS gives away cost them only four dollars to make.
The shoes TOMS gives away cost them only four dollars to make.
But wait, they cost 60.
them only four dollars to make.
But wait, they cost 60.
So, if I get a pair of But wait, they cost 60.
So, if I get a pair of four-dollar shoes and they So, if I get a pair of four-dollar shoes and they give away a pair of four-dollar four-dollar shoes and they give away a pair of four-dollar shoes, where do give away a pair of four-dollar shoes, where do the other 52 shoes, where do the other 52 dollars go? the other 52 dollars go? (zap, whoosh) dollars go? (zap, whoosh) Look, TOMS may kind of act (zap, whoosh) Look, TOMS may kind of act like they're a charity, Look, TOMS may kind of act like they're a charity, but they're a for-profit like they're a charity, but they're a for-profit company.
but they're a for-profit company.
And last year, Blake sold his company.
And last year, Blake sold his stake in TOMS in a deal that And last year, Blake sold his stake in TOMS in a deal that valued them at $600 million.
stake in TOMS in a deal that valued them at $600 million.
Corporations are so evil.
valued them at $600 million.
Corporations are so evil.
Oh, no, look, corporations Corporations are so evil.
Oh, no, look, corporations are capable of doing plenty of Oh, no, look, corporations are capable of doing plenty of good in the world.
are capable of doing plenty of good in the world.
Like, when they contribute to good in the world.
Like, when they contribute to local economies.
Like, when they contribute to local economies.
But the "Buy one, give one" local economies.
But the "Buy one, give one" model doesn't help anyone.
But the "Buy one, give one" model doesn't help anyone.
Wow, and here I thought model doesn't help anyone.
Wow, and here I thought Oh, my God! Wow, and here I thought Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (school bell ringing) (school bell ringing) Wow, you are not good (school bell ringing) Wow, you are not good at teaching.
Wow, you are not good at teaching.
Faculty and students, at teaching.
Faculty and students, please assemble in the gym.
Faculty and students, please assemble in the gym.
Oh, God, the Give-a-thon.
please assemble in the gym.
Oh, God, the Give-a-thon.
Okay, thank you very much Oh, God, the Give-a-thon.
Okay, thank you very much for this informative, magical Okay, thank you very much for this informative, magical journey, I don't even know what for this informative, magical journey, I don't even know what we were doing, but now I am in journey, I don't even know what we were doing, but now I am in charge of a canned food drive.
we were doing, but now I am in charge of a canned food drive.
Stop running! charge of a canned food drive.
Stop running! Be careful! Stop running! Be careful! Oh, canned food drives, Be careful! Oh, canned food drives, now, those have some problems.
Oh, canned food drives, now, those have some problems.
Actually, your local food now, those have some problems.
Actually, your local food pantry doesn't even want your Actually, your local food pantry doesn't even want your dusty old pantry doesn't even want your dusty old (door closes) dusty old (door closes) Oh, and she's gone.
(door closes) Oh, and she's gone.
Oh, and she's gone.
Hi, Clay Adam here.
Hi, Clay Adam here.
Stick around, because, Hi, Clay Adam here.
Stick around, because, I promise, I will eventually Stick around, because, I promise, I will eventually tell you the best way to give.
I promise, I will eventually tell you the best way to give.
Hey, get out of my clay shop! tell you the best way to give.
Hey, get out of my clay shop! You're right, I'm sorry.
Hey, get out of my clay shop! You're right, I'm sorry.
Hate to break it to you, You're right, I'm sorry.
Hate to break it to you, but if you line up to give blood Hate to break it to you, but if you line up to give blood after a major disaster, but if you line up to give blood after a major disaster, you're doing it wrong.
after a major disaster, you're doing it wrong.
Mass blood drives became an you're doing it wrong.
Mass blood drives became an American civic tradition during Mass blood drives became an American civic tradition during World War II, when huge amounts American civic tradition during World War II, when huge amounts of blood were needed by the World War II, when huge amounts of blood were needed by the military.
of blood were needed by the military.
There are three ways to help military.
There are three ways to help your boys overseas I'm sure that in 50 years, these will all seem like great decisions.
these will all seem like great decisions.
Now, whenever there's great decisions.
Now, whenever there's a tragedy in the news, we all Now, whenever there's a tragedy in the news, we all reflexively rush to have our a tragedy in the news, we all reflexively rush to have our veins vacuumed.
reflexively rush to have our veins vacuumed.
Send my blood to Des Moines.
veins vacuumed.
Send my blood to Des Moines.
The problem is when everyone Send my blood to Des Moines.
The problem is when everyone in the country does this, The problem is when everyone in the country does this, we end up with a lot more blood in the country does this, we end up with a lot more blood than we actually need.
we end up with a lot more blood than we actually need.
Yeah, I'll throw it than we actually need.
Yeah, I'll throw it on the pile.
Yeah, I'll throw it on the pile.
Now, this wouldn't be on the pile.
Now, this wouldn't be a problem except that blood Now, this wouldn't be a problem except that blood expires after just 42 days.
After September 11th prompted patriotic Americans to donate in patriotic Americans to donate in record numbers, blood banks were record numbers, blood banks were forced to trash over 300,000 forced to trash over 300,000 pints of blood.
pints of blood.
Those donations were made with Those donations were made with the best of intentions, but they the best of intentions, but they didn't help anyone.
didn't help anyone.
Except maybe vampires.
Except maybe vampires.
(slurping) The worst part is blood banks need donations year round.
need donations year round.
And most of the time, only 5% of And most of the time, only 5% of eligible Americans donate.
Eh, I'm gonna wait for the next earthquake.
So, if you really wanna help next earthquake.
So, if you really wanna help after a disaster, wait a few So, if you really wanna help after a disaster, wait a few months and donate blood then.
after a disaster, wait a few months and donate blood then.
And then, keep donating, months and donate blood then.
And then, keep donating, like, all the time.
And then, keep donating, like, all the time.
Yes donate frequently.
like, all the time.
Yes donate frequently.
All right, this segment's Yes donate frequently.
All right, this segment's over.
All right, this segment's over.
Let's get back to the real show.
over.
Let's get back to the real show.
Here's the problem with canned food drives.
First, you should know that one food drives.
First, you should know that one in seven Americans rely on food First, you should know that one in seven Americans rely on food pantries to help feed their in seven Americans rely on food pantries to help feed their families.
pantries to help feed their families.
Exactly, hunger families.
Exactly, hunger is a real problem.
Exactly, hunger is a real problem.
Yes, but canned food drives is a real problem.
Yes, but canned food drives are a terrible solution.
Yes, but canned food drives are a terrible solution.
You know the first thing are a terrible solution.
You know the first thing the food pantry does with You know the first thing the food pantry does with our old cans? the food pantry does with our old cans? They throw half of 'em out.
our old cans? They throw half of 'em out.
Oh.
They throw half of 'em out.
Oh.
We tend to use food drives Oh.
We tend to use food drives to clean out our cabinets, We tend to use food drives to clean out our cabinets, which means we only donate the to clean out our cabinets, which means we only donate the food that's so old and gross, which means we only donate the food that's so old and gross, even we won't eat it.
food that's so old and gross, even we won't eat it.
This candy corn even we won't eat it.
This candy corn Eh, the poor will eat it.
This candy corn Eh, the poor will eat it.
Others buy food at full Eh, the poor will eat it.
Others buy food at full retail price, picking out cans Others buy food at full retail price, picking out cans as though they were the needy's retail price, picking out cans as though they were the needy's personal shopper.
as though they were the needy's personal shopper.
Do the poor like original personal shopper.
Do the poor like original or bold and spicy? Do the poor like original or bold and spicy? Original, they're not fancy.
or bold and spicy? Original, they're not fancy.
Okay, but they're still Original, they're not fancy.
Okay, but they're still chipping in free food.
Okay, but they're still chipping in free food.
Yeah, dream on, lady.
chipping in free food.
Yeah, dream on, lady.
Free? Somebody has to pay to Yeah, dream on, lady.
Free? Somebody has to pay to haul all of this stuff Free? Somebody has to pay to haul all of this stuff to a warehouse.
haul all of this stuff to a warehouse.
Oh, oh, my God to a warehouse.
Oh, oh, my God And someone has to sort and Oh, oh, my God And someone has to sort and throw out all the expired cans.
And someone has to sort and throw out all the expired cans.
And plus, canned food is high throw out all the expired cans.
And plus, canned food is high in sodium, which causes And plus, canned food is high in sodium, which causes high blood pressure.
Ahh! Well, that's an exaggeration.
Your heart wouldn't literally Well, that's an exaggeration.
Your heart wouldn't literally explode-- great work, Tony-- Your heart wouldn't literally explode-- great work, Tony-- but it is true that nearly half explode-- great work, Tony-- but it is true that nearly half the food we donate doesn't meet but it is true that nearly half the food we donate doesn't meet basic nutritional standards.
the food we donate doesn't meet basic nutritional standards.
Okay, so what kind of food basic nutritional standards.
Okay, so what kind of food do pantries need? Okay, so what kind of food do pantries need? I don't know, do pantries need? I don't know, what do you eat? I don't know, what do you eat? Me? Oh, well.
.
what do you eat? Me? Oh, well.
.
(clearing throat) Me? Oh, well.
.
(clearing throat) I really like fruits and (clearing throat) I really like fruits and veggies, I eat a lot of salads.
I really like fruits and veggies, I eat a lot of salads.
Oh, and I try to eat lean meats, veggies, I eat a lot of salads.
Oh, and I try to eat lean meats, you know, chicken and turkey and Oh, and I try to eat lean meats, you know, chicken and turkey and stuff like that, and you know, chicken and turkey and stuff like that, and Oh, I just love a loaf of fresh, stuff like that, and Oh, I just love a loaf of fresh, crusty bread.
Oh, I just love a loaf of fresh, crusty bread.
Exactly, but you can't donate crusty bread.
Exactly, but you can't donate any of those foods because Exactly, but you can't donate any of those foods because they're all perishable.
any of those foods because they're all perishable.
Genevieve, would you tell Emily they're all perishable.
Genevieve, would you tell Emily why canned food drives suck? Genevieve, would you tell Emily why canned food drives suck? Canned food drives don't why canned food drives suck? Canned food drives don't suck, but they're not the most Canned food drives don't suck, but they're not the most efficient way to give.
Oh, you run a food bank, don't you? Yeah, I do.
And at our food bank, we have a lot of canned food drives, but they're a whole lot of work.
lot of canned food drives, but they're a whole lot of work.
And sometimes we have to throw they're a whole lot of work.
And sometimes we have to throw away food, and there's some cost And sometimes we have to throw away food, and there's some cost involved in that.
away food, and there's some cost involved in that.
But there are benefits, involved in that.
But there are benefits, right? But there are benefits, right? Well, yeah, I mean, right? Well, yeah, I mean, one of the things that's great Well, yeah, I mean, one of the things that's great is it can help children one of the things that's great is it can help children connect to giving.
is it can help children connect to giving.
Maybe they'll go out and shop connect to giving.
Maybe they'll go out and shop for their favorite canned food Maybe they'll go out and shop for their favorite canned food or soup and knowing that another for their favorite canned food or soup and knowing that another child is gonna get it really or soup and knowing that another child is gonna get it really helps to make that connection child is gonna get it really helps to make that connection with giving.
helps to make that connection with giving.
Oh, that sounds like with giving.
Oh, that sounds like a good thing.
Oh, that sounds like a good thing.
Okay, all right, fair point, a good thing.
Okay, all right, fair point, fair point, but Okay, all right, fair point, fair point, but The truth is the best way to fair point, but The truth is the best way to help a food bank is to donate The truth is the best way to help a food bank is to donate money, because we buy food on help a food bank is to donate money, because we buy food on a wholesale level, and we work money, because we buy food on a wholesale level, and we work with farmers, so we can take the a wholesale level, and we work with farmers, so we can take the dollar that you might spend on a with farmers, so we can take the dollar that you might spend on a single can of beans and turn it dollar that you might spend on a single can of beans and turn it into exponentially more food.
single can of beans and turn it into exponentially more food.
Hey, there, folks.
into exponentially more food.
Hey, there, folks.
I got a delivery here Hey, there, folks.
I got a delivery here for one dollar's worth of food.
I got a delivery here for one dollar's worth of food.
I mean, comically large amount for one dollar's worth of food.
I mean, comically large amount of food.
I mean, comically large amount of food.
I get it, but I like the of food.
I get it, but I like the canned food drive.
I get it, but I like the canned food drive.
It brings the community together canned food drive.
It brings the community together and everyone feels good It brings the community together and everyone feels good Yeah, but those are all ways and everyone feels good Yeah, but those are all ways in which the canned food drive Yeah, but those are all ways in which the canned food drive helps you, not the people in which the canned food drive helps you, not the people who need it.
helps you, not the people who need it.
That's not generosity.
who need it.
That's not generosity.
That's selfishness.
That's not generosity.
That's selfishness.
Has anyone ever told you That's selfishness.
Has anyone ever told you you're a little abrasive? Has anyone ever told you you're a little abrasive? Yeah, like all the time.
you're a little abrasive? Yeah, like all the time.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, like all the time.
Oh, wow.
Oh, oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
Oh, oh, wow.
Oh, oh, wow.
Everything is wrong in here.
Everything is wrong in here.
(laughing) Everything is wrong in here.
(laughing) Come on, dude.
(laughing) Come on, dude.
90% of what's collected Come on, dude.
90% of what's collected by coat drives is recycled 90% of what's collected by coat drives is recycled for scrap.
by coat drives is recycled for scrap.
A lot of the people who get free for scrap.
A lot of the people who get free farm animals just sell them.
A lot of the people who get free farm animals just sell them.
You know what relief groups call farm animals just sell them.
You know what relief groups call the deluge of unneeded supplies You know what relief groups call the deluge of unneeded supplies we send to disaster areas? the deluge of unneeded supplies we send to disaster areas? No.
we send to disaster areas? No.
"The second disaster.
" No.
"The second disaster.
" Fascinating.
"The second disaster.
" Fascinating.
Oh, and finally Fascinating.
Oh, and finally soda can pull tabs.
Oh, and finally soda can pull tabs.
People all over America collect soda can pull tabs.
People all over America collect them for charity, which is People all over America collect them for charity, which is weird, because they're totally them for charity, which is weird, because they're totally worthless.
weird, because they're totally worthless.
Really? worthless.
Really? Yeah, sorry, kid, Really? Yeah, sorry, kid, it's an urban myth.
Yeah, sorry, kid, it's an urban myth.
Wasted all my time on this! it's an urban myth.
Wasted all my time on this! Why?! Why?! Wasted all my time on this! Why?! Why?! So dumb! Why?! Why?! Why?! So dumb! Why?! (continues shouting) So dumb! Why?! (continues shouting) Why?! (continues shouting) Why?! Should we? Why?! Should we? Nah, you just gotta Should we? Nah, you just gotta wait it out.
Nah, you just gotta wait it out.
So dumb! Who cares?! wait it out.
So dumb! Who cares?! Oh, poor Degbert.
So dumb! Who cares?! Oh, poor Degbert.
(sighs) Oh, poor Degbert.
(sighs) So, what's your message? (sighs) So, what's your message? Giving is bad? So, what's your message? Giving is bad? No, giving is wonderful.
Giving is bad? No, giving is wonderful.
I just think that we can all No, giving is wonderful.
I just think that we can all give better.
I just think that we can all give better.
And there actually is one give better.
And there actually is one single, simple best way to give.
And there actually is one single, simple best way to give.
Why didn't you lead with single, simple best way to give.
Why didn't you lead with that? What is it? Why didn't you lead with that? What is it? Well, if we-- that? What is it? Well, if we-- Wait, Adam.
Well, if we-- Wait, Adam.
Hey, we gotta go to commercial.
Wait, Adam.
Hey, we gotta go to commercial.
Save it for act four.
Hey, we gotta go to commercial.
Save it for act four.
Can you do me a big favor and Save it for act four.
Can you do me a big favor and look right in camera and give Can you do me a big favor and look right in camera and give me a "We'll be right back?" look right in camera and give me a "We'll be right back?" Seriously? me a "We'll be right back?" Seriously? We'll be right back.
Seriously? We'll be right back.
Apparently.
We'll be right back.
Apparently.
Great job.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
The way you're giving is wrong.
But don't worry, me and Emily The way you're giving is wrong.
But don't worry, me and Emily are gonna tell you how But don't worry, me and Emily are gonna tell you how to fix it.
are gonna tell you how to fix it.
Okay, smart guy, to fix it.
Okay, smart guy, what's the big secret? Okay, smart guy, what's the big secret? What should we give? what's the big secret? What should we give? (baby crying) What should we give? (baby crying) Simple, the one gift that (baby crying) Simple, the one gift that costs nothing to ship and that Simple, the one gift that costs nothing to ship and that everybody needs.
costs nothing to ship and that everybody needs.
The single most empowering gift everybody needs.
The single most empowering gift ever invented The single most empowering gift ever invented Money.
ever invented Money.
(booing) Money.
(booing) Ridiculous.
(booing) Ridiculous.
You're gonna wheel in Ridiculous.
You're gonna wheel in an expert, aren't you? You're gonna wheel in an expert, aren't you? Ooh, yeah, that's a good an expert, aren't you? Ooh, yeah, that's a good idea, yeah, yeah.
Ooh, yeah, that's a good idea, yeah, yeah.
Wheel him in, John.
Please welcome Sophal Ear, Associate Professor of Diplomacy Associate Professor of Diplomacy and World Affairs at and World Affairs at Occidental College.
So, I'm just trying to explain to all these folks what the most effective form to all these folks what the most effective form of charity giving is.
the most effective form of charity giving is.
Would you mind telling them of charity giving is.
Would you mind telling them what you told me? Would you mind telling them what you told me? If you really wanna help what you told me? If you really wanna help people, if you really wanna make If you really wanna help people, if you really wanna make a difference, the best way is to people, if you really wanna make a difference, the best way is to give money directly.
a difference, the best way is to give money directly.
(disappointed chatter) give money directly.
(disappointed chatter) You can't just give poor (disappointed chatter) You can't just give poor people money.
You can't just give poor people money.
What if they waste it on things people money.
What if they waste it on things they don't need? What if they waste it on things they don't need? Yeah, or buy unhealthy food? they don't need? Yeah, or buy unhealthy food? Or spend it on alcohol? Yeah, or buy unhealthy food? Or spend it on alcohol? No, that way of thinking Or spend it on alcohol? No, that way of thinking is totally misguided.
No, that way of thinking is totally misguided.
Lots of studies across the is totally misguided.
Lots of studies across the board have shown that money Lots of studies across the board have shown that money allows people to buy the things board have shown that money allows people to buy the things they need and helps local allows people to buy the things they need and helps local economies.
they need and helps local economies.
People do spend money on selfish economies.
People do spend money on selfish things, but usually those People do spend money on selfish things, but usually those selfish things make them better things, but usually those selfish things make them better off, and it could be things selfish things make them better off, and it could be things like, uh, their business or off, and it could be things like, uh, their business or their, uh, children's education like, uh, their business or their, uh, children's education or their health care.
their, uh, children's education or their health care.
It's like, give a man a fish, or their health care.
It's like, give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
It's like, give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he eats he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.
Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.
But give a man cash, for a lifetime.
But give a man cash, and he can buy some apples.
But give a man cash, and he can buy some apples.
He can take a cooking class.
and he can buy some apples.
He can take a cooking class.
I don't know, maybe he doesn't He can take a cooking class.
I don't know, maybe he doesn't like fish.
I don't know, maybe he doesn't like fish.
Who are you to tell him like fish.
Who are you to tell him what to eat? Who are you to tell him what to eat? Let me get this straight, what to eat? Let me get this straight, egghead.
Let me get this straight, egghead.
Instead of donating canned food, egghead.
Instead of donating canned food, we should do what? Instead of donating canned food, we should do what? (baby crying) we should do what? (baby crying) Maybe give money to your (baby crying) Maybe give money to your local food bank.
Maybe give money to your local food bank.
Okay, but what do we do local food bank.
Okay, but what do we do instead of donating clothes Okay, but what do we do instead of donating clothes to Africa? instead of donating clothes to Africa? You could donate to a direct to Africa? You could donate to a direct giving organization.
You could donate to a direct giving organization.
There are lots of them.
giving organization.
There are lots of them.
You can search for them online.
There are lots of them.
You can search for them online.
And what are we supposed You can search for them online.
And what are we supposed to do instead of buying And what are we supposed to do instead of buying engagement rings? to do instead of buying engagement rings? You could take the money engagement rings? You could take the money and put it into a retirement You could take the money and put it into a retirement account if your fiancée's and put it into a retirement account if your fiancée's good with that.
account if your fiancée's good with that.
Mm, she's not-- just get good with that.
Mm, she's not-- just get a sapphire, it's cheaper, Mm, she's not-- just get a sapphire, it's cheaper, more ethical, I get a ring.
a sapphire, it's cheaper, more ethical, I get a ring.
You got it, babe.
more ethical, I get a ring.
You got it, babe.
So, what you're saying You got it, babe.
So, what you're saying is this wonderful So, what you're saying is this wonderful community event is this wonderful community event is a complete waste of time.
community event is a complete waste of time.
What we should really do is shut is a complete waste of time.
What we should really do is shut it down and write a check.
What we should really do is shut it down and write a check.
(baby crying) it down and write a check.
(baby crying) Yeah, that would be the (baby crying) Yeah, that would be the rational thing to do.
Yeah, that would be the rational thing to do.
(baby crying) rational thing to do.
(baby crying) (all shouting) (baby crying) (all shouting) What?! What are you, (all shouting) What?! What are you, what are you doing?! What?! What are you, what are you doing?! Ah, oh, guh-- oh, they did what are you doing?! Ah, oh, guh-- oh, they did not take that well.
Ah, oh, guh-- oh, they did not take that well.
Well, you can be pretty not take that well.
Well, you can be pretty abrasive, Adam.
Well, you can be pretty abrasive, Adam.
Thanks, Sophal.
abrasive, Adam.
Thanks, Sophal.
Gosh, sheesh Thanks, Sophal.
Gosh, sheesh Thank you, bye.
Gosh, sheesh Thank you, bye.
Bye.
Thank you, bye.
Bye.
Hey, Adam, uh Bye.
Hey, Adam, uh if it makes you feel any better, Hey, Adam, uh if it makes you feel any better, I actually did learn something.
if it makes you feel any better, I actually did learn something.
Wait, really? I actually did learn something.
Wait, really? Yeah, it was pretty Wait, really? Yeah, it was pretty interesting.
Yeah, it was pretty interesting.
W well, you know, in that interesting.
W well, you know, in that case, I just read this article-- W well, you know, in that case, I just read this article-- Not an invitation for more.
case, I just read this article-- Not an invitation for more.
It's time to go.
Not an invitation for more.
It's time to go.
You're right.
It's time to go.
You're right.
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
You're right.
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
(bird screeching) (bird screeching) Oh, I don't fly, (bird screeching) Oh, I don't fly, I ride a folding bike.
Oh, I don't fly, I ride a folding bike.
It's much more efficient.
I ride a folding bike.
It's much more efficient.
(chuckling) It's much more efficient.
(chuckling) (bike bell dings) (chuckling) (bike bell dings) Join me this season on (bike bell dings) Join me this season on "Adam Ruins Everything," Join me this season on "Adam Ruins Everything," when I'll be talking about how "Adam Ruins Everything," when I'll be talking about how vitamins aren't good for you, when I'll be talking about how vitamins aren't good for you, how your purebred puppy's vitamins aren't good for you, how your purebred puppy's a genetic monster and about how your purebred puppy's a genetic monster and about how nothing we can do will a genetic monster and about how nothing we can do will stop climate change.
how nothing we can do will stop climate change.
stop climate change.
Who hurt that guy? Who hurt that guy? Mmm.
Mm, you know, um, it's been proven that GMOs are no more harmful for you than proven that GMOs are no more harmful for you than conventional produce.
harmful for you than conventional produce.
You don't really need to worry conventional produce.
You don't really need to worry about it.
You don't really need to worry about it.
(slurping) about it.
(slurping) Mmm.
(slurping) Mmm.
Oh, you know what you should Mmm.
Oh, you know what you should worry about, though, Oh, you know what you should worry about, though, is pesticide residue.
worry about, though, is pesticide residue.
The residue, it's like on apples is pesticide residue.
The residue, it's like on apples and things you buy The residue, it's like on apples and things you buy uh, from the Well, I don't know, I thought it was interesting.
it was interesting.
Mmm.
Mmm.
(gulps)