Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Adam Ruins Security

1 (scanner beeping) If you have a laptop, put it in a separate bin.
If you have a laptop, put it in a separate bin.
Take out your cell phones, in a separate bin.
Take out your cell phones, bracelets, metal.
Take out your cell phones, bracelets, metal.
If you have a pacemaker, bracelets, metal.
If you have a pacemaker, remove it.
If you have a pacemaker, remove it.
It's a nonstop this time, so remove it.
It's a nonstop this time, so I should be back for dinner.
It's a nonstop this time, so I should be back for dinner.
Yeah.
I should be back for dinner.
Yeah.
(echoing) Nervous? Yeah.
(echoing) Nervous? (screaming) (echoing) Nervous? (screaming) No.
No, I, um (screaming) No.
No, I, um They have body scanners and No.
No, I, um They have body scanners and they're patting people down and They have body scanners and they're patting people down and we have to take our off shoes.
they're patting people down and we have to take our off shoes.
So, it's all very, um, we have to take our off shoes.
So, it's all very, um, state-of-the-art, so I'm just So, it's all very, um, state-of-the-art, so I'm just glad they're here to protect us.
state-of-the-art, so I'm just glad they're here to protect us.
Love you.
glad they're here to protect us.
Love you.
(texting on phone) Love you.
(texting on phone) Actually, the TSA doesn't (texting on phone) Actually, the TSA doesn't protect us from terrorist Actually, the TSA doesn't protect us from terrorist attacks.
protect us from terrorist attacks.
Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, attacks.
Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, Phil.
Yeah, I'm not just a stranger, Phil.
I have a TV show.
Phil.
I have a TV show.
And you're on that TV show.
I have a TV show.
And you're on that TV show.
No, thank you.
And you're on that TV show.
No, thank you.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
No, thank you.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
Hi, Adam.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
Hi, Adam.
And this is Hi, Adam.
And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" What's happening? "Adam Ruins Everything.
" What's happening? (crackling) (ding-ding) (buzzer) Closed Captions Provided by truTV Look, I know the TSA screenings are annoying, but they stop terrorists.
screenings are annoying, but they stop terrorists.
Actually, there's very little they stop terrorists.
Actually, there's very little evidence that the TSA has ever Actually, there's very little evidence that the TSA has ever stopped a terrorist, let alone evidence that the TSA has ever stopped a terrorist, let alone one with a bomb.
stopped a terrorist, let alone one with a bomb.
Hey! one with a bomb.
Hey! Don't say "bomb.
" Hey! Don't say "bomb.
" Wait, wait, wait.
Don't say "bomb.
" Wait, wait, wait.
Haven't they stopped an attack? Wait, wait, wait.
Haven't they stopped an attack? Not that we know of.
Haven't they stopped an attack? Not that we know of.
They didn't stop the shoe Not that we know of.
They didn't stop the shoe bomber.
They didn't stop the shoe bomber.
They didn't stop the underwear bomber.
They didn't stop the underwear bomber.
They didn't stop the underwear bomber.
Heck, they probably won't stop bomber.
Heck, they probably won't stop the crop top bomber.
Heck, they probably won't stop the crop top bomber.
(ticking, alarm ringing) the crop top bomber.
(ticking, alarm ringing) So what did stop all those (ticking, alarm ringing) So what did stop all those bombs? So what did stop all those bombs? Oh, easy.
bombs? Oh, easy.
All the other security measures Oh, easy.
All the other security measures we added since 9/11.
All the other security measures we added since 9/11.
Like reinforced cockpit blast we added since 9/11.
Like reinforced cockpit blast doors.
Like reinforced cockpit blast doors.
The increased number of doors.
The increased number of air marshals.
The increased number of air marshals.
The heightened awareness of air marshals.
The heightened awareness of passengers like you and me.
The heightened awareness of passengers like you and me.
And intelligence agencies that passengers like you and me.
And intelligence agencies that work to stop attacks before they And intelligence agencies that work to stop attacks before they even happen.
work to stop attacks before they even happen.
Yeah, we knew about this guy.
even happen.
Yeah, we knew about this guy.
We replaced his bullets with Yeah, we knew about this guy.
We replaced his bullets with Tic-Tacs.
We replaced his bullets with Tic-Tacs.
Mm, orange.
Tic-Tacs.
Mm, orange.
My favorite.
Mm, orange.
My favorite.
But the TSA does nothing.
My favorite.
But the TSA does nothing.
For one thing, they straight up But the TSA does nothing.
For one thing, they straight up suck at screening.
For one thing, they straight up suck at screening.
When the Department of Homeland suck at screening.
When the Department of Homeland Security tested them, the TSA When the Department of Homeland Security tested them, the TSA failed to find mock weapons Security tested them, the TSA failed to find mock weapons and explosives 95% of the time.
failed to find mock weapons and explosives 95% of the time.
No way, really? and explosives 95% of the time.
No way, really? Hey! No way, really? Hey! You can't bring this knife here.
Hey! You can't bring this knife here.
Here are your other knives back.
You can't bring this knife here.
Here are your other knives back.
Also, if you wouldn't mind, real Here are your other knives back.
Also, if you wouldn't mind, real big smile, pose for Instagram.
Also, if you wouldn't mind, real big smile, pose for Instagram.
(camera clicking) big smile, pose for Instagram.
(camera clicking) Beautiful.
(camera clicking) Beautiful.
Instagram? Beautiful.
Instagram? Yeah, they post everything Instagram? Yeah, they post everything they confiscate to Instagram, Yeah, they post everything they confiscate to Instagram, and it's pretty embarrassing.
they confiscate to Instagram, and it's pretty embarrassing.
What filter do you like? and it's pretty embarrassing.
What filter do you like? Do you like Kelvin? What filter do you like? Do you like Kelvin? Mayfair.
Do you like Kelvin? Mayfair.
Oh.
Mayfair.
Oh.
All day.
Oh.
All day.
All right.
All day.
All right.
Most of the stuff they All right.
Most of the stuff they confiscate is just novelty crap.
Most of the stuff they confiscate is just novelty crap.
No, look, that's a grenade.
confiscate is just novelty crap.
No, look, that's a grenade.
No, that's just a vape that's No, look, that's a grenade.
No, that's just a vape that's shaped like a grenade.
No, that's just a vape that's shaped like a grenade.
How is that dangerous? shaped like a grenade.
How is that dangerous? That's a samurai sword.
How is that dangerous? That's a samurai sword.
That's a weapon.
That's a samurai sword.
That's a weapon.
No, those aren't weapons.
That's a weapon.
No, those aren't weapons.
Those are replica weapons.
No, those aren't weapons.
Those are replica weapons.
And their owner isn't a Those are replica weapons.
And their owner isn't a terrorist, he's a dweeb.
And their owner isn't a terrorist, he's a dweeb.
And stop calling them samurai terrorist, he's a dweeb.
And stop calling them samurai swords.
And stop calling them samurai swords.
It's a Master Sword replica from swords.
It's a Master Sword replica from "The Legend of Zelda," It's a Master Sword replica from "The Legend of Zelda," all right? "The Legend of Zelda," all right? Confiscating fake weapons and all right? Confiscating fake weapons and stopping people from just saying Confiscating fake weapons and stopping people from just saying the word "bomb"-- stopping people from just saying the word "bomb"-- Don't say "bomb"! the word "bomb"-- Don't say "bomb"! (sighs) Don't say "bomb"! (sighs) Come on, man.
(sighs) Come on, man.
Get up.
Come on, man.
Get up.
Those things do nothing to Get up.
Those things do nothing to stop terrorism.
Those things do nothing to stop terrorism.
They just create the illusion stop terrorism.
They just create the illusion of security.
They just create the illusion of security.
It's a concept called security of security.
It's a concept called security theater.
It's a concept called security theater.
Good morrow, sir.
theater.
Good morrow, sir.
Now, won't you step aside? Good morrow, sir.
Now, won't you step aside? For I perceive the mace your Now, won't you step aside? For I perceive the mace your breeches hide.
For I perceive the mace your breeches hide.
(crowd exclaiming) breeches hide.
(crowd exclaiming) Alas to wastrel villains such (crowd exclaiming) Alas to wastrel villains such as I, who ne'er shall breach thy Alas to wastrel villains such as I, who ne'er shall breach thy fine "securit-eye.
" as I, who ne'er shall breach thy fine "securit-eye.
" (applause) fine "securit-eye.
" (applause) I feel so safe! (applause) I feel so safe! Security theater is a show I feel so safe! Security theater is a show the agency puts on to make it Security theater is a show the agency puts on to make it look like they're doing a lot the agency puts on to make it look like they're doing a lot to protect us look like they're doing a lot to protect us Found another grenade vape! to protect us Found another grenade vape! (camera clicking) Found another grenade vape! (camera clicking) And make sure to tag me, David.
(camera clicking) And make sure to tag me, David.
Even though they're not.
And make sure to tag me, David.
Even though they're not.
What? Even though they're not.
What? Who's that? What? Who's that? I was hoping you'd show up.
Who's that? I was hoping you'd show up.
That's Bruce Schneier.
I was hoping you'd show up.
That's Bruce Schneier.
He's a renowned expert on That's Bruce Schneier.
He's a renowned expert on security theater.
He's a renowned expert on security theater.
Why is he a scooter? I'm broadcasting from a secure location.
And I couldn't get through the metal detector.
Anyway, as far as screening metal detector.
Anyway, as far as screening goes, what we had before Anyway, as far as screening goes, what we had before September 11th is actually quite goes, what we had before September 11th is actually quite adequate.
September 11th is actually quite adequate.
Taking your shoes off and adequate.
Taking your shoes off and putting your liquids in a Taking your shoes off and putting your liquids in a separate bag doesn't actually putting your liquids in a separate bag doesn't actually make you safer.
separate bag doesn't actually make you safer.
It just makes you feel safer.
make you safer.
It just makes you feel safer.
But if we feel safer, isn't It just makes you feel safer.
But if we feel safer, isn't that-- isn't that good? But if we feel safer, isn't that-- isn't that good? Well, first, the illusion of that-- isn't that good? Well, first, the illusion of security isn't worth it if you Well, first, the illusion of security isn't worth it if you have to give up essential security isn't worth it if you have to give up essential freedoms and privacies have to give up essential freedoms and privacies to get it.
freedoms and privacies to get it.
Ooh! to get it.
Ooh! Hey, watch it! Ooh! Hey, watch it! Stop clenching.
Hey, watch it! Stop clenching.
And secondly, it's dangerous Stop clenching.
And secondly, it's dangerous to present the illusion of And secondly, it's dangerous to present the illusion of security when the system is to present the illusion of security when the system is actually quite vulnerable to security when the system is actually quite vulnerable to terrorist attacks.
actually quite vulnerable to terrorist attacks.
What? terrorist attacks.
What? It is? What? It is? Oh, yeah, even if this It is? Oh, yeah, even if this screening worked, it would only Oh, yeah, even if this screening worked, it would only protect us against the last way screening worked, it would only protect us against the last way we were attacked.
protect us against the last way we were attacked.
It does nothing to stop we were attacked.
It does nothing to stop terrorists from finding new ways It does nothing to stop terrorists from finding new ways to hurt us.
terrorists from finding new ways to hurt us.
The terrorists can see our to hurt us.
The terrorists can see our security.
The terrorists can see our security.
They can figure out how to get security.
They can figure out how to get around it.
They can figure out how to get around it.
So instead of trying to make around it.
So instead of trying to make airports impregnable, we should So instead of trying to make airports impregnable, we should take the money we're wasting on airports impregnable, we should take the money we're wasting on the TSA and spend it on things take the money we're wasting on the TSA and spend it on things that work-- intelligence, the TSA and spend it on things that work-- intelligence, investigation, and emergency that work-- intelligence, investigation, and emergency response.
investigation, and emergency response.
Face it, Phil.
response.
Face it, Phil.
The TSA does nothing but violate Face it, Phil.
The TSA does nothing but violate your privacy and waste your The TSA does nothing but violate your privacy and waste your time.
your privacy and waste your time.
Man, this robot is right.
time.
Man, this robot is right.
I quit.
Man, this robot is right.
I quit.
Oh, these uniforms are very I quit.
Oh, these uniforms are very cheap.
Oh, these uniforms are very cheap.
You're free to go.
cheap.
You're free to go.
Now I missed my flight.
You're free to go.
Now I missed my flight.
Are you happy? Now I missed my flight.
Are you happy? I have a migraine.
Are you happy? I have a migraine.
I'll get you home.
I have a migraine.
I'll get you home.
(energy crackling) I'll get you home.
(energy crackling) Whoa.
(energy crackling) Whoa.
I can't get the Tylenol open.
Whoa.
I can't get the Tylenol open.
Oh, yeah, funny story about I can't get the Tylenol open.
Oh, yeah, funny story about those tamper-resistant seals.
Oh, yeah, funny story about those tamper-resistant seals.
More security theater.
those tamper-resistant seals.
More security theater.
Here, I'll show you on the way.
More security theater.
Here, I'll show you on the way.
No! Here, I'll show you on the way.
No! (energy ringing) Hey, this thing is my private property.
property.
Nope, now we're gonna hang Nope, now we're gonna hang out and be best friends.
out and be best friends.
(P.
A.
feedback) Attention, shoppers.
Please be warned.
Attention, shoppers.
Please be warned.
We have a spill in aisle four Please be warned.
We have a spill in aisle four and an incoming portal We have a spill in aisle four and an incoming portal in aisle nine.
and an incoming portal in aisle nine.
(energy ringing) in aisle nine.
(energy ringing) Phil, where are you? (energy ringing) Phil, where are you? I don't know, some kind of Phil, where are you? I don't know, some kind of terrifying adventure! I don't know, some kind of terrifying adventure! A terrifying adventure terrifying adventure! A terrifying adventure of learning.
A terrifying adventure of learning.
Ha ha! of learning.
Ha ha! Phil? Ha ha! Phil? Phil? Phil? Phil? So, virtually every pill Phil? So, virtually every pill bottle in here has a So, virtually every pill bottle in here has a "tamper-resistant seal.
" bottle in here has a "tamper-resistant seal.
" Why do you think that is? "tamper-resistant seal.
" Why do you think that is? I don't know.
Why do you think that is? I don't know.
I guess people tamper with I don't know.
I guess people tamper with medicine a lot.
I guess people tamper with medicine a lot.
But-- But who would do that? medicine a lot.
But-- But who would do that? I don't-- Lots of people, But-- But who would do that? I don't-- Lots of people, evidently.
I don't-- Lots of people, evidently.
Nope.
evidently.
Nope.
It was one weirdo in 1982.
Nope.
It was one weirdo in 1982.
(snaps fingers) It was one weirdo in 1982.
(snaps fingers) Here are your Bennies.
(snaps fingers) Here are your Bennies.
Oh, this is too far back.
Here are your Bennies.
Oh, this is too far back.
This is the '50s, whoops.
Oh, this is too far back.
This is the '50s, whoops.
(snaps fingers) This is the '50s, whoops.
(snaps fingers) Here are you Quaaludes.
(snaps fingers) Here are you Quaaludes.
Ah, '80s, here we are.
Here are you Quaaludes.
Ah, '80s, here we are.
What the hell? Ah, '80s, here we are.
What the hell? In 1982, seven people were What the hell? In 1982, seven people were killed from cyanide placed In 1982, seven people were killed from cyanide placed inside of Tylenol bottles.
killed from cyanide placed inside of Tylenol bottles.
We don't know who did it and we inside of Tylenol bottles.
We don't know who did it and we don't know why they did it, but We don't know who did it and we don't know why they did it, but let's make the educated guess don't know why they did it, but let's make the educated guess that it was a crazy person.
let's make the educated guess that it was a crazy person.
I'm doing this for no reason! that it was a crazy person.
I'm doing this for no reason! I make no sense! I'm doing this for no reason! I make no sense! There were also a few I make no sense! There were also a few copycats, which, that's kind of There were also a few copycats, which, that's kind of a weird phrase, isn't it, come copycats, which, that's kind of a weird phrase, isn't it, come to think of it? a weird phrase, isn't it, come to think of it? Like, who's ever seen a cat copy to think of it? Like, who's ever seen a cat copy another cat? Like, who's ever seen a cat copy another cat? Hey, can we focus, please? another cat? Hey, can we focus, please? There is a murderer with no Hey, can we focus, please? There is a murderer with no motive, like, one aisle-- There is a murderer with no motive, like, one aisle-- That's terrifying.
motive, like, one aisle-- That's terrifying.
Yeah, it is.
That's terrifying.
Yeah, it is.
And that's why the world went Yeah, it is.
And that's why the world went nuts over this story, which left And that's why the world went nuts over this story, which left Tylenol with a wee bit of nuts over this story, which left Tylenol with a wee bit of a PR problem.
Tylenol with a wee bit of a PR problem.
Gentlemen, and one tough lady a PR problem.
Gentlemen, and one tough lady who we don't respect because Gentlemen, and one tough lady who we don't respect because it's the early '80s, what do who we don't respect because it's the early '80s, what do we do? it's the early '80s, what do we do? Make people feel safe, sir.
we do? Make people feel safe, sir.
Make people feel safe, sir.
Make people feel safe, sir.
Make people feel safe, sir.
Great idea, Brian.
Make people feel safe, sir.
Great idea, Brian.
I love your male brain.
Great idea, Brian.
I love your male brain.
Let us make people feel safe! I love your male brain.
Let us make people feel safe! And that's what they did.
Let us make people feel safe! And that's what they did.
They yanked Tylenol off the And that's what they did.
They yanked Tylenol off the shelves and a few months later They yanked Tylenol off the shelves and a few months later introduced the world to the shelves and a few months later introduced the world to the first tamper-resistant seal.
introduced the world to the first tamper-resistant seal.
The public was reassured, first tamper-resistant seal.
The public was reassured, Tylenol sales completely The public was reassured, Tylenol sales completely rebounded, and every other Tylenol sales completely rebounded, and every other medicine soon did the same.
rebounded, and every other medicine soon did the same.
Phil? medicine soon did the same.
Phil? Phil? Phil? Phil? Phil? Phil? Phil? Hey! Phil? Hey! But the tamper-resistant Hey! But the tamper-resistant seal is just more security But the tamper-resistant seal is just more security theater.
seal is just more security theater.
It is? theater.
It is? Yeah.
It is? Yeah.
It may make you feel safer, but Yeah.
It may make you feel safer, but it doesn't actually protect you It may make you feel safer, but it doesn't actually protect you from murderers.
it doesn't actually protect you from murderers.
Think about it.
from murderers.
Think about it.
If a real whackadoo really Think about it.
If a real whackadoo really wanted to hurt you, you think a If a real whackadoo really wanted to hurt you, you think a little piece of plastic is gonna wanted to hurt you, you think a little piece of plastic is gonna stop him? little piece of plastic is gonna stop him? Hey, that's true! stop him? Hey, that's true! I could-- I could poke a syringe Hey, that's true! I could-- I could poke a syringe through the seal, or put contact I could-- I could poke a syringe through the seal, or put contact poison on the outside of the through the seal, or put contact poison on the outside of the bottle, or what if I broke into poison on the outside of the bottle, or what if I broke into the factory? bottle, or what if I broke into the factory? Stop! the factory? Stop! And why limit yourself Stop! And why limit yourself to Tylenol? And why limit yourself to Tylenol? You could hurt people any number to Tylenol? You could hurt people any number of ways.
You could hurt people any number of ways.
Yeah, yeah, like I could put of ways.
Yeah, yeah, like I could put rat poison in a salad bar.
Yeah, yeah, like I could put rat poison in a salad bar.
I could hide barbed wire rat poison in a salad bar.
I could hide barbed wire in a sandbox.
I could hide barbed wire in a sandbox.
Oh, yeah, or-- I'm just in a sandbox.
Oh, yeah, or-- I'm just spitballing here-- what if you Oh, yeah, or-- I'm just spitballing here-- what if you put arsenic in a Super Soaker? spitballing here-- what if you put arsenic in a Super Soaker? Yeah.
put arsenic in a Super Soaker? Yeah.
Ooh, okay, hi.
Yeah.
Ooh, okay, hi.
I'm a lawyer from the network.
Ooh, okay, hi.
I'm a lawyer from the network.
We'd prefer if you didn't give I'm a lawyer from the network.
We'd prefer if you didn't give crazy people ideas for how to We'd prefer if you didn't give crazy people ideas for how to kill, on the air.
crazy people ideas for how to kill, on the air.
Fair point.
kill, on the air.
Fair point.
Luckily, serial killers Fair point.
Luckily, serial killers are rare.
Luckily, serial killers are rare.
You don't really need to worry are rare.
You don't really need to worry about them.
You don't really need to worry about them.
Yeah, but he killed seven about them.
Yeah, but he killed seven people.
Yeah, but he killed seven people.
That's a lot.
people.
That's a lot.
That's, like, all the That's a lot.
That's, like, all the Kardashians.
That's, like, all the Kardashians.
Or half the Duggars.
Kardashians.
Or half the Duggars.
But while we were focused on one Or half the Duggars.
But while we were focused on one fluke incident, we ignored the But while we were focused on one fluke incident, we ignored the hard truth that 150 people die fluke incident, we ignored the hard truth that 150 people die every year from what's in these hard truth that 150 people die every year from what's in these bottles.
every year from what's in these bottles.
Asbestos? bottles.
Asbestos? BPAs? Asbestos? BPAs? (gasps) Little bugs? BPAs? (gasps) Little bugs? No, the pills.
(gasps) Little bugs? No, the pills.
The pills, that's crazy.
No, the pills.
The pills, that's crazy.
I know.
The pills, that's crazy.
I know.
Because for years, Tylenol was I know.
Because for years, Tylenol was advertised as if it were one of Because for years, Tylenol was advertised as if it were one of the safest drugs on the market.
advertised as if it were one of the safest drugs on the market.
the safest drugs on the market.
Bobby has a fever.
Bobby has a fever.
Should I give him aspirin? Bobby has a fever.
Should I give him aspirin? I'm a doctor, and Tylenol is Should I give him aspirin? I'm a doctor, and Tylenol is the number-one pain reliever I'm a doctor, and Tylenol is the number-one pain reliever more doctors give their the number-one pain reliever more doctors give their own kids.
more doctors give their own kids.
Aw, don't you feel safe own kids.
Aw, don't you feel safe and warm? Aw, don't you feel safe and warm? Aah, stranger danger! and warm? Aah, stranger danger! Don't worry, kid.
Aah, stranger danger! Don't worry, kid.
Statistically, you're far more Don't worry, kid.
Statistically, you're far more likely to be hurt by a family Statistically, you're far more likely to be hurt by a family member than a stranger, so likely to be hurt by a family member than a stranger, so Why are you here? member than a stranger, so Why are you here? To save your son.
Why are you here? To save your son.
Tylenol has an incredibly narrow To save your son.
Tylenol has an incredibly narrow safety margin.
Tylenol has an incredibly narrow safety margin.
Ooh.
safety margin.
Ooh.
The company says that this is Ooh.
The company says that this is a safe daily dose of Tylenol, The company says that this is a safe daily dose of Tylenol, but the FDA says that this is a safe daily dose of Tylenol, but the FDA says that this is a dangerous daily dose.
but the FDA says that this is a dangerous daily dose.
That's only four more pills.
a dangerous daily dose.
That's only four more pills.
I pop that many at dinner.
That's only four more pills.
I pop that many at dinner.
Yeah, well, you really I pop that many at dinner.
Yeah, well, you really shouldn't.
Yeah, well, you really shouldn't.
Acetaminophen, the active shouldn't.
Acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, is the Acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, is the number-one cause of acute liver ingredient in Tylenol, is the number-one cause of acute liver failure in America.
number-one cause of acute liver failure in America.
In one year alone, it sent as failure in America.
In one year alone, it sent as many as 78,000 people to In one year alone, it sent as many as 78,000 people to the hospital.
many as 78,000 people to the hospital.
Oh, my God, why would you lie the hospital.
Oh, my God, why would you lie to us? Oh, my God, why would you lie to us? I'm just an actor.
to us? I'm just an actor.
In fact, perhaps you recognize I'm just an actor.
In fact, perhaps you recognize me from earlier.
In fact, perhaps you recognize me from earlier.
Maybe all those Tylenol me from earlier.
Maybe all those Tylenol commercials should have gone Maybe all those Tylenol commercials should have gone a little more like this.
commercials should have gone a little more like this.
Bobby has a fever.
a little more like this.
Bobby has a fever.
Should I give him aspirin? Bobby has a fever.
Should I give him aspirin? I'm a doctor.
Should I give him aspirin? I'm a doctor.
Give him Tylenol.
I'm a doctor.
Give him Tylenol.
But be very careful.
Give him Tylenol.
But be very careful.
It's one of the most dangerous But be very careful.
It's one of the most dangerous over-the-counter pain relievers It's one of the most dangerous over-the-counter pain relievers available.
over-the-counter pain relievers available.
Tylenol.
available.
Tylenol.
Use as directed, Tylenol.
Use as directed, or else.
(echoing) Use as directed, or else.
(echoing) My God, how-- or else.
(echoing) My God, how-- how is that legal? My God, how-- how is that legal? A lot of doctors don't think how is that legal? A lot of doctors don't think it should be.
A lot of doctors don't think it should be.
The medical journal, it should be.
The medical journal, "The Lancet," said that if the drug were discovered today, it would never be freely available would never be freely available without a prescription.
without a prescription.
Well, I'm sure the FDA is on it.
Yeah, 30 years late.
That quote was from 1975.
Yeah, 30 years late.
That quote was from 1975.
But the FDA didn't even require That quote was from 1975.
But the FDA didn't even require them to put a warning label on But the FDA didn't even require them to put a warning label on the bottle until 2009.
them to put a warning label on the bottle until 2009.
(static) the bottle until 2009.
(static) And even that wasn't enough.
(static) And even that wasn't enough.
This is Dr.
Sidney Wolfe, And even that wasn't enough.
This is Dr.
Sidney Wolfe, a physician and co-founder of This is Dr.
Sidney Wolfe, a physician and co-founder of Public Citizen's a physician and co-founder of Public Citizen's Health Research Group.
Not only is acetaminophen the leading cause of acute liver leading cause of acute liver failure, but it exceeds all failure, but it exceeds all other causes combined.
I served on an FDA advisory committee that voted overwhelmingly to lower the committee that voted overwhelmingly to lower the maximum non-prescription dose of overwhelmingly to lower the maximum non-prescription dose of acetaminophen, but for the past maximum non-prescription dose of acetaminophen, but for the past six years, the FDA leadership acetaminophen, but for the past six years, the FDA leadership has effectively ignored our six years, the FDA leadership has effectively ignored our important recommendation.
has effectively ignored our important recommendation.
What? important recommendation.
What? The FDA has essentially What? The FDA has essentially failed to protect people from The FDA has essentially failed to protect people from preventable liver toxicity.
failed to protect people from preventable liver toxicity.
Excuse me.
preventable liver toxicity.
Excuse me.
Is there a cave somewhere I can Excuse me.
Is there a cave somewhere I can crawl into? Is there a cave somewhere I can crawl into? No, but there is a damp crawl into? No, but there is a damp bridge in the back.
No, but there is a damp bridge in the back.
Look, the point is, bridge in the back.
Look, the point is, sometimes we overreact to a Look, the point is, sometimes we overreact to a small problem while ignoring sometimes we overreact to a small problem while ignoring the bigger one.
small problem while ignoring the bigger one.
That's the problem with security the bigger one.
That's the problem with security theater.
That's the problem with security theater.
Did someone say "theater"? theater.
Did someone say "theater"? (clears throat) Did someone say "theater"? (clears throat) Betty Botta bought some butter.
(clears throat) Betty Botta bought some butter.
Around the rugged rocks the Betty Botta bought some butter.
Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran.
Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran.
We're good, man.
ragged rascals ran.
We're good, man.
Yeah? We're good, man.
Yeah? All right.
Yeah? All right.
Whatever.
All right.
Whatever.
Can I please get a bottle Whatever.
Can I please get a bottle of aspirin? Can I please get a bottle of aspirin? Oh, get the generic.
of aspirin? Oh, get the generic.
It's exactly the same, but much Oh, get the generic.
It's exactly the same, but much cheaper.
It's exactly the same, but much cheaper.
Whatever.
cheaper.
Whatever.
I just need you to sign this.
Whatever.
I just need you to sign this.
Great.
I just need you to sign this.
Great.
Ah, my signature.
Great.
Ah, my signature.
That way, no one can steal my-- Ah, my signature.
That way, no one can steal my-- What? That way, no one can steal my-- What? What? What? What? Please tell me you don't have What? Please tell me you don't have something against signatures.
Please tell me you don't have something against signatures.
Actually, I do.
something against signatures.
Actually, I do.
Come on.
Actually, I do.
Come on.
If my wife is watching this, Come on.
If my wife is watching this, please know I love you! Let's see, I'll get this drone, and this GoPro, and this toy dog that does backflips.
drone, and this GoPro, and this toy dog that does backflips.
Man, you carry a lot toy dog that does backflips.
Man, you carry a lot of stuff.
Man, you carry a lot of stuff.
Put it on this.
of stuff.
Put it on this.
Hey.
Put it on this.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Excuse me.
That's my credit card.
Excuse me.
That's my credit card.
You can't sign for That's my credit card.
You can't sign for my credit card.
You can't sign for my credit card.
Yes, I can.
my credit card.
Yes, I can.
I'm committing fraud.
Yes, I can.
I'm committing fraud.
Here.
I'm committing fraud.
Here.
"I am a fraud man.
" Here.
"I am a fraud man.
" The bank is gonna know that's "I am a fraud man.
" The bank is gonna know that's not my signature.
The bank is gonna know that's not my signature.
No.
not my signature.
No.
It doesn't work that way.
No.
It doesn't work that way.
Here's what you think happens It doesn't work that way.
Here's what you think happens when you sign a receipt.
Here's what you think happens when you sign a receipt.
According to my 30 years of when you sign a receipt.
According to my 30 years of handwriting expertise and According to my 30 years of handwriting expertise and intimate knowledge of Phil, handwriting expertise and intimate knowledge of Phil, I don't believe this is the way intimate knowledge of Phil, I don't believe this is the way he dots his "I"s! I don't believe this is the way he dots his "I"s! Shut down the account! he dots his "I"s! Shut down the account! (siren blaring) Shut down the account! (siren blaring) It's all for you, buddy.
(siren blaring) It's all for you, buddy.
It's all for you.
It's all for you, buddy.
It's all for you.
And here's what actually It's all for you.
And here's what actually happens.
And here's what actually happens.
(store music playing) happens.
(store music playing) Nothing happened.
(store music playing) Nothing happened.
Yeah, nothing happens.
Nothing happened.
Yeah, nothing happens.
No one ever compares your Yeah, nothing happens.
No one ever compares your signature on the receipt to the No one ever compares your signature on the receipt to the real one.
signature on the receipt to the real one.
It's more security theater.
real one.
It's more security theater.
Yeah, but then what secures It's more security theater.
Yeah, but then what secures my credit card? Yeah, but then what secures my credit card? Nothing, again.
my credit card? Nothing, again.
Oh, you might not know this.
Nothing, again.
Oh, you might not know this.
The credit card system is a Oh, you might not know this.
The credit card system is a pre-Internet relic with The credit card system is a pre-Internet relic with virtually no built-in security.
pre-Internet relic with virtually no built-in security.
Oh.
virtually no built-in security.
Oh.
Back in the '50s, a retailer Oh.
Back in the '50s, a retailer would just copy down your number Back in the '50s, a retailer would just copy down your number and phone it into the bank.
would just copy down your number and phone it into the bank.
The credit card number is and phone it into the bank.
The credit card number is four! The credit card number is four! Two! four! Two! Fiver! Two! Fiver! Zero! Fiver! Zero! Yeah, but things are way more Zero! Yeah, but things are way more advanced now.
Yeah, but things are way more advanced now.
Yeah.
advanced now.
Yeah.
Now a machine copies down your Yeah.
Now a machine copies down your number and sends it to the bank.
Now a machine copies down your number and sends it to the bank.
(energy shimmering) number and sends it to the bank.
(energy shimmering) Aah! (energy shimmering) Aah! (computer voice) Welcome to Aah! (computer voice) Welcome to the Internet.
(computer voice) Welcome to the Internet.
The truth is, all a thief the Internet.
The truth is, all a thief needs to purchase something as The truth is, all a thief needs to purchase something as you is this string of numbers.
needs to purchase something as you is this string of numbers.
What-- No! you is this string of numbers.
What-- No! Hey, that is private What-- No! Hey, that is private information! Hey, that is private information! No, it isn't.
information! No, it isn't.
It's one of the most public No, it isn't.
It's one of the most public facts about you.
It's one of the most public facts about you.
You give it out every time you facts about you.
You give it out every time you buy something.
You give it out every time you buy something.
That's a real credit card number buy something.
That's a real credit card number by the way.
That's a real credit card number by the way.
It's probably maxed out by now, by the way.
It's probably maxed out by now, but give it a shot.
It's probably maxed out by now, but give it a shot.
Don't.
but give it a shot.
Don't.
And in the Internet age, it Don't.
And in the Internet age, it is impossible to keep a single And in the Internet age, it is impossible to keep a single 16-digit number a secret.
is impossible to keep a single 16-digit number a secret.
But how does it get on 16-digit number a secret.
But how does it get on the Internet? But how does it get on the Internet? Any number of ways.
the Internet? Any number of ways.
A cashier could just write it Any number of ways.
A cashier could just write it down, it could be phished from A cashier could just write it down, it could be phished from an e-mail, it could be hacked down, it could be phished from an e-mail, it could be hacked from a vendor like Target or an e-mail, it could be hacked from a vendor like Target or Wal-Mart.
from a vendor like Target or Wal-Mart.
A card skimmer could harvest it Wal-Mart.
A card skimmer could harvest it from an ATM.
A card skimmer could harvest it from an ATM.
A sneaky teen could snap a pic from an ATM.
A sneaky teen could snap a pic with a selfie stick.
A sneaky teen could snap a pic with a selfie stick.
An NSA satellite could spy on with a selfie stick.
An NSA satellite could spy on you while you buy shaved ice at An NSA satellite could spy on you while you buy shaved ice at the beach.
you while you buy shaved ice at the beach.
Ooh, a clever zoo monkey could the beach.
Ooh, a clever zoo monkey could peek at you while you-- Ooh, a clever zoo monkey could peek at you while you-- Okay, enough, enough.
peek at you while you-- Okay, enough, enough.
I get it.
Okay, enough, enough.
I get it.
The fact is, if you have a I get it.
The fact is, if you have a credit card, you should just The fact is, if you have a credit card, you should just assume the number's already credit card, you should just assume the number's already been stolen.
assume the number's already been stolen.
In fact, there are so many been stolen.
In fact, there are so many numbers out here in the big In fact, there are so many numbers out here in the big Internet sea that getting numbers out here in the big Internet sea that getting defrauded just means your number Internet sea that getting defrauded just means your number was randomly chosen from a pile defrauded just means your number was randomly chosen from a pile of millions.
was randomly chosen from a pile of millions.
It's like an awful reverse of millions.
It's like an awful reverse lottery.
It's like an awful reverse lottery.
Ugh, it's expired.
lottery.
Ugh, it's expired.
Maxed out.
Ugh, it's expired.
Maxed out.
Oh! Maxed out.
Oh! Frequent flier miles.
Oh! Frequent flier miles.
(laughs) There's a fresh one.
Frequent flier miles.
(laughs) There's a fresh one.
Time to buy that new (laughs) There's a fresh one.
Time to buy that new Bruce Schneier book.
Time to buy that new Bruce Schneier book.
Very interested in security Bruce Schneier book.
Very interested in security theater.
Very interested in security theater.
No! theater.
No! That fisherman is using my No! That fisherman is using my credit card to purchase relevant That fisherman is using my credit card to purchase relevant nonfiction! credit card to purchase relevant nonfiction! What do I do? nonfiction! What do I do? Nothing.
What do I do? Nothing.
Credit card fraud is so Nothing.
Credit card fraud is so pervasive, banks have started Credit card fraud is so pervasive, banks have started just covering the charges so pervasive, banks have started just covering the charges so people don't freak out and just covering the charges so people don't freak out and cancel their cards.
people don't freak out and cancel their cards.
No, no.
cancel their cards.
No, no.
There is nothing that you can No, no.
There is nothing that you can personally do to stop credit There is nothing that you can personally do to stop credit card theft.
personally do to stop credit card theft.
Nothing? card theft.
Nothing? Nothing.
Nothing? Nothing.
You know, I am having a very Nothing.
You know, I am having a very difficult time believing you.
You know, I am having a very difficult time believing you.
All right, let's talk to difficult time believing you.
All right, let's talk to someone you might believe.
All right, let's talk to someone you might believe.
(energy shimmering) someone you might believe.
(energy shimmering) Aah! (energy shimmering) Aah! Oh, hey, Kevin.
Aah! Oh, hey, Kevin.
Phil, this is Kevin Poulsen, Oh, hey, Kevin.
Phil, this is Kevin Poulsen, journalist, author of the book Phil, this is Kevin Poulsen, journalist, author of the book "Kingpin," and an expert on journalist, author of the book "Kingpin," and an expert on computer crime.
"Kingpin," and an expert on computer crime.
Adam, I'm kind of in the computer crime.
Adam, I'm kind of in the middle of a story right now.
Adam, I'm kind of in the middle of a story right now.
Yeah, but you can take a middle of a story right now.
Yeah, but you can take a second to tell Phil about Yeah, but you can take a second to tell Phil about credit card fraud.
second to tell Phil about credit card fraud.
No, no, I'm not saved! credit card fraud.
No, no, I'm not saved! Come on, come on, just-- No, no, I'm not saved! Come on, come on, just-- Here you go, come on, just Come on, come on, just-- Here you go, come on, just tell him.
All right.
Phil, the truth is, there are so Phil, the truth is, there are so many stolen credit card numbers many stolen credit card numbers out there that thieves are out there that thieves are buying and selling them as buying and selling them as commodities.
Can you show us where that happens? Sure.
that happens? Sure.
So here's a website where you Sure.
So here's a website where you can buy credit card numbers for So here's a website where you can buy credit card numbers for around $5 apiece.
can buy credit card numbers for around $5 apiece.
Crooks buy these by the tens, by around $5 apiece.
Crooks buy these by the tens, by the hundreds, and this isn't Crooks buy these by the tens, by the hundreds, and this isn't even a Dark Web site.
the hundreds, and this isn't even a Dark Web site.
This is a website that anybody even a Dark Web site.
This is a website that anybody could easily search for This is a website that anybody could easily search for and find.
could easily search for and find.
It's grade school level stuff.
and find.
It's grade school level stuff.
Okay.
It's grade school level stuff.
Okay.
So what-- what can I do? Okay.
So what-- what can I do? Nothing.
So what-- what can I do? Nothing.
It's a systemic problem.
Nothing.
It's a systemic problem.
Credit card numbers are static It's a systemic problem.
Credit card numbers are static and unchanging.
Credit card numbers are static and unchanging.
Good security is dynamic and it and unchanging.
Good security is dynamic and it changes every time.
Good security is dynamic and it changes every time.
Is there, any, like, changes every time.
Is there, any, like, technological solution to this? Is there, any, like, technological solution to this? In Europe, they have technological solution to this? In Europe, they have something called chip and PIN, In Europe, they have something called chip and PIN, or chip and signature, and this something called chip and PIN, or chip and signature, and this is a much more secure way of-- or chip and signature, and this is a much more secure way of-- of handling credit card is a much more secure way of-- of handling credit card transactions.
of handling credit card transactions.
It's only just now coming to the transactions.
It's only just now coming to the United States, which means for It's only just now coming to the United States, which means for the next few years, we're still United States, which means for the next few years, we're still gonna be vulnerable.
the next few years, we're still gonna be vulnerable.
Thanks, Kevin! gonna be vulnerable.
Thanks, Kevin! No! Aah! Thanks, Kevin! No! Aah! Whoa! No! Aah! Whoa! (energy shimmering, popping) (energy shimmering) (both) Aah! Look, this is all a long way of saying that signatures on Look, this is all a long way of saying that signatures on credit card receipts are just of saying that signatures on credit card receipts are just another form of security credit card receipts are just another form of security theater.
another form of security theater.
Hackers already have your credit theater.
Hackers already have your credit card number, and there's nothing Hackers already have your credit card number, and there's nothing you can do to stop 'em.
card number, and there's nothing you can do to stop 'em.
(chuckles) you can do to stop 'em.
(chuckles) I have tried very hard to (chuckles) I have tried very hard to keep my composure today.
I have tried very hard to keep my composure today.
But I'm so close to crying keep my composure today.
But I'm so close to crying right now.
But I'm so close to crying right now.
Does nothing keep me safe? right now.
Does nothing keep me safe? Oh, yeah, there is one thing.
Does nothing keep me safe? Oh, yeah, there is one thing.
What? Oh, yeah, there is one thing.
What? What is it? What? What is it? Tell me what can-- What is it? Tell me what can-- Well, I-- Tell me what can-- Well, I-- Oh, this is my neighborhood.
Well, I-- Oh, this is my neighborhood.
(gasps) Oh, that's my house! Oh, this is my neighborhood.
(gasps) Oh, that's my house! Yeah.
(gasps) Oh, that's my house! Yeah.
It's my house! Yeah.
It's my house! Yeah, yeah.
It's my house! Yeah, yeah.
Hey! Yeah, yeah.
Hey! You guys live here, too? Hey! You guys live here, too? Oh, my gosh! You guys live here, too? Oh, my gosh! Hey! Oh, my gosh! Hey! It's the TSA agent.
Hey! It's the TSA agent.
I know that.
It's the TSA agent.
I know that.
From the airport.
I know that.
From the airport.
No! Phil, you're home! Oh! Oh! Are you okay? Oh! Oh! Are you okay? No! Are you okay? No! No, I'm not okay! No! No, I'm not okay! I'm not okay! No, I'm not okay! I'm not okay! This man is terrifying! I'm not okay! This man is terrifying! He got me detained by the TSA, This man is terrifying! He got me detained by the TSA, he told me that Tylenol is gonna He got me detained by the TSA, he told me that Tylenol is gonna kill me.
he told me that Tylenol is gonna kill me.
He put our credit card number on kill me.
He put our credit card number on his television show.
He put our credit card number on his television show.
Eh, look, everything is theater, his television show.
Eh, look, everything is theater, nothing is secure.
Eh, look, everything is theater, nothing is secure.
So no, I'm not okay.
nothing is secure.
So no, I'm not okay.
Phil, you're missing So no, I'm not okay.
Phil, you're missing the point.
Phil, you're missing the point.
You and your family have nothing the point.
You and your family have nothing to worry about.
You and your family have nothing to worry about.
What? to worry about.
What? Slow down.
What? Slow down.
Look, we have weak, imperfect Slow down.
Look, we have weak, imperfect security everywhere in life.
Look, we have weak, imperfect security everywhere in life.
And it's totally fine.
security everywhere in life.
And it's totally fine.
Like, I'll give you one example.
And it's totally fine.
Like, I'll give you one example.
That padlock right there? Like, I'll give you one example.
That padlock right there? Locks like that are insanely That padlock right there? Locks like that are insanely easy to pick.
Locks like that are insanely easy to pick.
You could take a class, learn easy to pick.
You could take a class, learn how to do it in a day.
You could take a class, learn how to do it in a day.
Yeah, but, like, who cares? how to do it in a day.
Yeah, but, like, who cares? All that's in there are some old Yeah, but, like, who cares? All that's in there are some old hoses and your Beanie Baby All that's in there are some old hoses and your Beanie Baby collection.
hoses and your Beanie Baby collection.
Yeah.
collection.
Yeah.
Yeah, who cares? Yeah.
Yeah, who cares? Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, who cares? Yeah, exactly.
You know that no one's gonna go Yeah, exactly.
You know that no one's gonna go through the effort to get into You know that no one's gonna go through the effort to get into your old shed, so you don't have through the effort to get into your old shed, so you don't have to stress out about making it your old shed, so you don't have to stress out about making it perfectly safe.
to stress out about making it perfectly safe.
You can take that off of perfectly safe.
You can take that off of yourself.
You can take that off of yourself.
That means you trust other yourself.
That means you trust other people, Phil.
That means you trust other people, Phil.
And trusting people is an people, Phil.
And trusting people is an essential part of security, And trusting people is an essential part of security, because it's how you make an essential part of security, because it's how you make an accurate assessment of because it's how you make an accurate assessment of the real risks.
accurate assessment of the real risks.
You are smart, scooter man.
the real risks.
You are smart, scooter man.
Thanks.
You are smart, scooter man.
Thanks.
We're fortunate to live in Thanks.
We're fortunate to live in a pretty safe country.
We're fortunate to live in a pretty safe country.
And we make it safer when we a pretty safe country.
And we make it safer when we build our security systems And we make it safer when we build our security systems rationally, based on trust build our security systems rationally, based on trust rather than fear.
rationally, based on trust rather than fear.
So relax.
rather than fear.
So relax.
Trust each other.
So relax.
Trust each other.
Almost all humans are Trust each other.
Almost all humans are good people.
Almost all humans are good people.
good people.
(whistling) (whistling) I did say "almost all.
" (whistling) I did say "almost all.
" Can we get this guy? I did say "almost all.
" Can we get this guy? Ahh! Can we get this guy? Ahh! Unh! Ahh! Unh! Ahh! I did it! Unh! Ahh! I did it! I did it! Ahh! I did it! I did it! I actually made someone safe! I did it! I actually made someone safe! Hell, yeah! I actually made someone safe! Hell, yeah! Bruce, I'm taking you on Hell, yeah! Bruce, I'm taking you on the freeway.
Bruce, I'm taking you on the freeway.
No! You know I have to say, uh, Adam, I'm actually, uh-- I'm actually not I have to say, uh, Adam, I'm actually, uh-- I'm actually not afraid, for once.
actually, uh-- I'm actually not afraid, for once.
And you did-- you know, you got afraid, for once.
And you did-- you know, you got me home, so, thank you.
And you did-- you know, you got me home, so, thank you.
You're not the most horrible me home, so, thank you.
You're not the most horrible person I know.
You're not the most horrible person I know.
Wow.
person I know.
Wow.
Thank you, Phil.
Wow.
Thank you, Phil.
Oh, now that home alarm system Thank you, Phil.
Oh, now that home alarm system you have? Oh, now that home alarm system you have? These things are notorious you have? These things are notorious boondoggles These things are notorious boondoggles Okay, thank you.
boondoggles Okay, thank you.
That do nothing to keep you-- Hey, Adam.
I-I was thinking The eastbound bus is on the I-I was thinking The eastbound bus is on the other side of the street.
The eastbound bus is on the other side of the street.
Awesome, thanks.
other side of the street.
Awesome, thanks.
Me, I-I love public Awesome, thanks.
Me, I-I love public transportation.
Me, I-I love public transportation.
No one asked you.
(beeping) No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Aah! No, no, no, no! Aah! Man.
Aah! Man.
See, this is why drones should Man.
See, this is why drones should be illegal.
This season on "Adam Ruins Everything" "Adam Ruins Everything" Aah! The car took over the American street.
My boy! American street.
My boy! He's dead! My boy! He's dead! Wine experts can't tell He's dead! Wine experts can't tell the difference, either.
Wine experts can't tell the difference, either.
Who wants to split a box of the difference, either.
Who wants to split a box of white zin? Who wants to split a box of white zin? (gargling) white zin? (gargling) It's estimated that if car (gargling) It's estimated that if car manufacturers could sell to It's estimated that if car manufacturers could sell to consumers directly, every car manufacturers could sell to consumers directly, every car would be $1,800 cheaper.
consumers directly, every car would be $1,800 cheaper.
Aah! would be $1,800 cheaper.
Aah! You have the right Aah! You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to remain silent.
Silent? to remain silent.
Silent? Oh, gosh, I wish I could.
Silent? Oh, gosh, I wish I could.
But 100 years ago, Listerine was Oh, gosh, I wish I could.
But 100 years ago, Listerine was used and marketed as a generic But 100 years ago, Listerine was used and marketed as a generic household cleaning fluid.
used and marketed as a generic household cleaning fluid.
Aah! household cleaning fluid.
Aah! The polygraph test is so easy Aah! The polygraph test is so easy to beat, they teach classes on The polygraph test is so easy to beat, they teach classes on how to do it.
to beat, they teach classes on how to do it.
It's a lie! how to do it.
It's a lie! (thunder crashing) He's right! Again! Again! Again! Again! But I was gonna tell you how But I was gonna tell you how we can fix everything! we can fix everything! (car speeding away) (car speeding away) Rose!