Adam Ruins Everything (2015) s01e10 Episode Script

Adam Ruins Sex

1 Hey, Murph.
You know what time it is? It's time to get busy.
Ooh Sexual Sexual Tonight it's all about Sexual Tonight it's all about You baby Tonight it's all about You baby You don't have to wait You baby You don't have to wait No more You don't have to wait No more I don't want to wait no more No more I don't want to wait no more Yeah let's make it I don't want to wait no more Yeah let's make it Ooh Yeah let's make it Ooh I feel like the cat Ooh I feel like the cat is watching us.
I feel like the cat is watching us.
We don't have a cat.
is watching us.
We don't have a cat.
(cat meows) We don't have a cat.
(cat meows) Ahh! (cat meows) Ahh! Hi there! Ahh! Hi there! No, bad Adam! Hi there! No, bad Adam! (Adam hissing) No, bad Adam! (Adam hissing) Oh, I see you're circumcised.
(Adam hissing) Oh, I see you're circumcised.
But you're not Jewish or Muslim, Oh, I see you're circumcised.
But you're not Jewish or Muslim, are you? But you're not Jewish or Muslim, are you? No, I'm Catholic.
are you? No, I'm Catholic.
What? No, I'm Catholic.
What? Then it's pretty weird you're What? Then it's pretty weird you're circumcised, isn't it? Then it's pretty weird you're circumcised, isn't it? No, it isn't.
circumcised, isn't it? No, it isn't.
It's normal.
No, it isn't.
It's normal.
Actually, it's not.
It's normal.
Actually, it's not.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
Actually, it's not.
Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
And this is Hi, I'm Adam Conover.
And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" And this is "Adam Ruins Everything.
" Just get it over with.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV America is one of the only countries in the world that practices routine non-religious countries in the world that practices routine non-religious circumcision, yet most of us practices routine non-religious circumcision, yet most of us don't even know why we do it.
circumcision, yet most of us don't even know why we do it.
Haven't you ever wondered why don't even know why we do it.
Haven't you ever wondered why your turtle has no shell? Haven't you ever wondered why your turtle has no shell? No.
your turtle has no shell? No.
Oh, just let him.
No.
Oh, just let him.
It'll only take 21 minutes Oh, just let him.
It'll only take 21 minutes plus commercials.
Here you go.
Promotes the show.
To learn more, let's go back in time to the day you were circumcised.
time to the day you were circumcised.
God, no.
you were circumcised.
God, no.
By the time your tip God, no.
By the time your tip got snipped, By the time your tip got snipped, circumcision had been got snipped, circumcision had been a tradition for generations.
circumcision had been a tradition for generations.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, a tradition for generations.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, would you like me to Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, would you like me to circumcise Brian? would you like me to circumcise Brian? Um, yeah, I guess.
circumcise Brian? Um, yeah, I guess.
I mean, his should look like Um, yeah, I guess.
I mean, his should look like mine, right? I mean, his should look like mine, right? Ooh! mine, right? Ooh! (baby crying) Ooh! (baby crying) But the source of that (baby crying) But the source of that tradition is real weird.
His should look like mine, right? mine, right? His should look like His should look like mine, right? mine, right? Yep, better cut him.
Yep, better cut him.
Reckon it'll stop him Reckon it'll stop him from masturbating.
from masturbating.
What? Yep.
Though religious circumcision has been practiced in the Middle Though religious circumcision has been practiced in the Middle East for millennia, no one did has been practiced in the Middle East for millennia, no one did it in the U.
S.
East for millennia, no one did it in the U.
S.
until the puritanical 19th it in the U.
S.
until the puritanical 19th century, when sexphobic doctors until the puritanical 19th century, when sexphobic doctors promoted it as a way of century, when sexphobic doctors promoted it as a way of preventing your kids from promoted it as a way of preventing your kids from committing their favorite sin.
preventing your kids from committing their favorite sin.
Observe.
committing their favorite sin.
Observe.
The vile masturbator.
Observe.
The vile masturbator.
The sallow complexion.
The vile masturbator.
The sallow complexion.
The rotten teeth.
The sallow complexion.
The rotten teeth.
The open sores.
The rotten teeth.
The open sores.
Actually, I think The open sores.
Actually, I think I have syphilis.
Actually, I think I have syphilis.
Official diagnosis: I have syphilis.
Official diagnosis: masturbation! Official diagnosis: masturbation! One prominent advocate of masturbation! One prominent advocate of dingle-docking was, and I'm not One prominent advocate of dingle-docking was, and I'm not making this up, dingle-docking was, and I'm not making this up, John Harvey Kellogg, making this up, John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes.
John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes.
My cure is twofold.
the inventor of Corn Flakes.
My cure is twofold.
A diet rich in flaked corn.
My cure is twofold.
A diet rich in flaked corn.
Ooh! A diet rich in flaked corn.
Ooh! And cutting off part Ooh! And cutting off part of the penis.
And cutting off part of the penis.
Ahh! of the penis.
Ahh! Victorian prudes like Kellogg Ahh! Victorian prudes like Kellogg just straight up hated sex Victorian prudes like Kellogg just straight up hated sex and thought that by pruning your just straight up hated sex and thought that by pruning your peter, they could contain your and thought that by pruning your peter, they could contain your base and lustful instincts, peter, they could contain your base and lustful instincts, and you don't even want to know base and lustful instincts, and you don't even want to know what he thought and you don't even want to know what he thought you should do to women.
what he thought you should do to women.
Just apply a little carbolic you should do to women.
Just apply a little carbolic acid to the clitoris.
Just apply a little carbolic acid to the clitoris.
Yikes.
acid to the clitoris.
Yikes.
Good thing that one didn't Yikes.
Good thing that one didn't catch on.
Good thing that one didn't catch on.
That's crazy.
catch on.
That's crazy.
Being circumcised doesn't stop That's crazy.
Being circumcised doesn't stop me from masturbating.
Being circumcised doesn't stop me from masturbating.
Yeah, I know.
me from masturbating.
Yeah, I know.
That's why it's so weird that Yeah, I know.
That's why it's so weird that we still do it.
That's why it's so weird that we still do it.
But isn't it, like, cleaner, we still do it.
But isn't it, like, cleaner, or something? But isn't it, like, cleaner, or something? Nope.
or something? Nope.
That's just another old Nope.
That's just another old Victorian myth.
That's just another old Victorian myth.
These guys had a lot of weird Victorian myth.
These guys had a lot of weird ideas about circumcision.
These guys had a lot of weird ideas about circumcision.
Circumcision is cleaner.
ideas about circumcision.
Circumcision is cleaner.
Foreskin is for Circumcision is cleaner.
Foreskin is for filthy immigrants.
Foreskin is for filthy immigrants.
And it cures convulsions.
filthy immigrants.
And it cures convulsions.
And tuberculosis.
And it cures convulsions.
And tuberculosis.
Plus, it's a fun And tuberculosis.
Plus, it's a fun craft project for doctors.
Plus, it's a fun craft project for doctors.
Now, circumcision can help craft project for doctors.
Now, circumcision can help prevent a few rare infections, Now, circumcision can help prevent a few rare infections, but so does, you know, prevent a few rare infections, but so does, you know, washing your dingus.
but so does, you know, washing your dingus.
Why would you have to cut off washing your dingus.
Why would you have to cut off part of your body to keep Why would you have to cut off part of your body to keep it clean? part of your body to keep it clean? You don't have to cut off your it clean? You don't have to cut off your butt cheeks to keep your You don't have to cut off your butt cheeks to keep your butt clean.
butt cheeks to keep your butt clean.
Ahh.
butt clean.
Ahh.
There's a fine idea.
Ahh.
There's a fine idea.
Ahh! There's a fine idea.
Ahh! Ugh.
Ahh! Ugh.
Let's get out of here.
Ugh.
Let's get out of here.
Taxi! Let's get out of here.
Taxi! Okay, but the foreskin Taxi! Okay, but the foreskin is useless, right? Okay, but the foreskin is useless, right? Actually, pal, the foreskin is useless, right? Actually, pal, the foreskin plays a very important role Actually, pal, the foreskin plays a very important role in sex.
plays a very important role in sex.
It's filled with nerve endings.
in sex.
It's filled with nerve endings.
It protects the glans so it It's filled with nerve endings.
It protects the glans so it doesn't become desensitized, It protects the glans so it doesn't become desensitized, and it's a natural lubricant.
doesn't become desensitized, and it's a natural lubricant.
Natural lubricant? and it's a natural lubricant.
Natural lubricant? Like a hot dog in Natural lubricant? Like a hot dog in a buttered bun.
Like a hot dog in a buttered bun.
Yeah, like this, see? a buttered bun.
Yeah, like this, see? Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.
Yeah, like this, see? Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.
Give me my hot dog.
Ee-ee, ee-ee, ee-ee.
Give me my hot dog.
Weird metaphor.
Give me my hot dog.
Weird metaphor.
Now, circumcision has been Weird metaphor.
Now, circumcision has been found to reduce the rate of HIV Now, circumcision has been found to reduce the rate of HIV acquisition in men by up to 60%, found to reduce the rate of HIV acquisition in men by up to 60%, but condoms reduce it by 80%, acquisition in men by up to 60%, but condoms reduce it by 80%, and they don't require you to, but condoms reduce it by 80%, and they don't require you to, you know, cut your dong off.
and they don't require you to, you know, cut your dong off.
Oh, hey, it's your place.
you know, cut your dong off.
Oh, hey, it's your place.
Okay, but girls think uncut Oh, hey, it's your place.
Okay, but girls think uncut dongs look weird.
Okay, but girls think uncut dongs look weird.
Interesting theory.
dongs look weird.
Interesting theory.
Let's test it.
Interesting theory.
Let's test it.
Excuse me, Miss? Let's test it.
Excuse me, Miss? Does this dong look weird.
Excuse me, Miss? Does this dong look weird.
Yep.
Does this dong look weird.
Yep.
And does this dong Yep.
And does this dong look weird? And does this dong look weird? Yep.
look weird? Yep.
All right.
Yep.
All right.
And does this dong look weird? All right.
And does this dong look weird? Dude! And does this dong look weird? Dude! Yep.
Dude! Yep.
All dongs look weird.
Yep.
All dongs look weird.
Oh.
Hayley! All dongs look weird.
Oh.
Hayley! Hi! Oh.
Hayley! Hi! Hey, guys.
Hi! Hey, guys.
Oh, hold on one second, Hey, guys.
Oh, hold on one second, I'll be right down! Hey, Adam.
Ruining something? Yep, just telling Murph Ruining something? Yep, just telling Murph about circumcision, Yep, just telling Murph about circumcision, the old "circumsizz.
" about circumcision, the old "circumsizz.
" See, back in the Victorian era-- the old "circumsizz.
" See, back in the Victorian era-- Another time.
See, back in the Victorian era-- Another time.
I'm running late for this boozy Another time.
I'm running late for this boozy painting class.
I'm running late for this boozy painting class.
It's dumb.
painting class.
It's dumb.
Something us affluent It's dumb.
Something us affluent millenials do.
Something us affluent millenials do.
With that guy Matt? millenials do.
With that guy Matt? Matt? With that guy Matt? Matt? No, we broke up.
Matt? No, we broke up.
He was kinda dumb.
No, we broke up.
He was kinda dumb.
Just ran out of stuff to He was kinda dumb.
Just ran out of stuff to talk about.
Just ran out of stuff to talk about.
Really? talk about.
Really? That's too bad.
Really? That's too bad.
Did you want to come? That's too bad.
Did you want to come? Of course.
Did you want to come? Of course.
But (sighing) Of course.
But (sighing) I have more awesome sex facts But (sighing) I have more awesome sex facts to tell.
I have more awesome sex facts to tell.
(groaning) to tell.
(groaning) Can I take a rain check? (groaning) Can I take a rain check? We'll see.
(car door opening, closing) Hey.
Can we wrap it up? Sure.
Can we wrap it up? Sure.
Now, look.
Sure.
Now, look.
If you like being circumcised, Now, look.
If you like being circumcised, or you did it for religious If you like being circumcised, or you did it for religious reasons, fine.
or you did it for religious reasons, fine.
There's no harm in it.
reasons, fine.
There's no harm in it.
But as far as I can tell, there's also no particularly compelling reason to do it, compelling reason to do it, and the only reason you are and the only reason you are circumcised is because a bunch circumcised is because a bunch of 19th century prudes were of 19th century prudes were trying to ruin your sex life.
Have fun.
You're back early.
Want to pick up where we You're back early.
Want to pick up where we left off? Want to pick up where we left off? Not really in left off? Not really in the mood anymore.
Not really in the mood anymore.
Understandable.
the mood anymore.
Understandable.
I'm just gonna go over Understandable.
I'm just gonna go over the lesson plan for health I'm just gonna go over the lesson plan for health class tomorrow.
the lesson plan for health class tomorrow.
It's a big one.
class tomorrow.
It's a big one.
We're going over the dangers It's a big one.
We're going over the dangers of herpes.
We're going over the dangers of herpes.
Where did I leave that? of herpes.
Where did I leave that? Oh, wow.
Where did I leave that? Oh, wow.
Everything you know about Oh, wow.
Everything you know about herpes is wrong.
Everything you know about herpes is wrong.
We're gonna have to talk herpes is wrong.
We're gonna have to talk about this.
We're gonna have to talk about this.
Nope.
about this.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Oh, this one's really bad.
Nope.
Oh, this one's really bad.
Uh-uh.
All right, health class.
What's in the lesson plan tomorrow, teach? What's in the lesson plan tomorrow, teach? I'm teaching them tomorrow, teach? I'm teaching them about herpes.
I'm teaching them about herpes.
Oh.
about herpes.
Oh.
About how herpes isn't a big Oh.
About how herpes isn't a big deal and people don't really About how herpes isn't a big deal and people don't really need to worry about it? deal and people don't really need to worry about it? What? need to worry about it? What? No, about how herpes is super What? No, about how herpes is super serious and very dangerous.
No, about how herpes is super serious and very dangerous.
Uh, herpes isn't dangerous.
serious and very dangerous.
Uh, herpes isn't dangerous.
Most of the time, it's not Uh, herpes isn't dangerous.
Most of the time, it's not even noticeable.
Oh, no, you don't, buddy.
'Cause I actually know what I'm talking about this time.
'Cause I actually know what I'm talking about this time.
I even made a video about it to I'm talking about this time.
I even made a video about it to teach my students.
I even made a video about it to teach my students.
Oh, cool, let's watch it.
teach my students.
Oh, cool, let's watch it.
Yeah, let's! Oh, cool, let's watch it.
Yeah, let's! I know this is a trap, Yeah, let's! I know this is a trap, but I'm very confident.
Hey, kids.
DJ Murph here.
I'm gonna use this to apply to film school.
You totally should.
to film school.
You totally should.
And I'm here to talk to you You totally should.
And I'm here to talk to you about herpes! And I'm here to talk to you about herpes! (distorted) It is a serious about herpes! (distorted) It is a serious sexually transmitted disease.
(distorted) It is a serious sexually transmitted disease.
Wow.
sexually transmitted disease.
Wow.
Herpes, that sounds scary.
Wow.
Herpes, that sounds scary.
I'm a teen.
Herpes, that sounds scary.
I'm a teen.
Disease.
I'm a teen.
Disease.
It is.
Disease.
It is.
Just ask Herpy, the terrifying It is.
Just ask Herpy, the terrifying genital herpes virus.
Four out of five people who carry me don't know who carry me don't know they have it.
they have it.
I cause an eruption of red sores I cause an eruption of red sores around your genitals around your genitals and I'm incurable.
(laughing) Great special effects.
George Lucas is a big Great special effects.
George Lucas is a big influence on my work.
George Lucas is a big influence on my work.
Wow, it sounds like herpes influence on my work.
Wow, it sounds like herpes is terrible.
Wow, it sounds like herpes is terrible.
Me and my bae better not be is terrible.
Me and my bae better not be having sexual intercourse.
Me and my bae better not be having sexual intercourse.
I wouldn't say that.
having sexual intercourse.
I wouldn't say that.
But I would rap it.
Herpes No Herpes No Don't No Don't Stop stop Don't Stop stop No Stop stop No Don't No Don't Herpes is for derpies Don't Herpes is for derpies Herpes, yo Herpes is for derpies Herpes, yo It ain't chill Herpes, yo It ain't chill You can't cure it It ain't chill You can't cure it With a pill You can't cure it With a pill One in six Americans With a pill One in six Americans Carry herpes in their pants One in six Americans Carry herpes in their pants These scare tactics are full Carry herpes in their pants These scare tactics are full of crap.
These scare tactics are full of crap.
Ahh! of crap.
Ahh! This is getting good.
Ahh! This is getting good.
It's time for you two This is getting good.
It's time for you two to learn what herpes is It's time for you two to learn what herpes is really like.
to learn what herpes is really like.
Ready to show 'em, Herpy? really like.
Ready to show 'em, Herpy? I'm really not so bad, Ready to show 'em, Herpy? I'm really not so bad, buddies.
I'm really not so bad, buddies.
Whee! buddies.
Whee! Did you just give us Whee! Did you just give us herpes for real? Did you just give us herpes for real? Yep.
herpes for real? Yep.
You're welcome.
Yep.
You're welcome.
What the actual hell? You're welcome.
What the actual hell? You just gave us What the actual hell? You just gave us a serious disease.
You just gave us a serious disease.
No, I didn't.
a serious disease.
No, I didn't.
I gave you herpes.
No, I didn't.
I gave you herpes.
Let's break it down.
Uhh! Okay, starting from the top.
Uhh! Okay, starting from the top.
Eruptions of sores? Okay, starting from the top.
Eruptions of sores? That's scare mongering.
Eruptions of sores? That's scare mongering.
Let's call them what they are.
That's scare mongering.
Let's call them what they are.
Little red bumps.
Let's call them what they are.
Little red bumps.
Sounds gross.
Little red bumps.
Sounds gross.
Yeah, except, you're already Sounds gross.
Yeah, except, you're already covered with little red bumps.
Yeah, except, you're already covered with little red bumps.
Mosquito bites, covered with little red bumps.
Mosquito bites, ingrown hairs, pimples.
To be human is to be covered in little red bumps, yo.
It's true, I do have bacne.
Yo, you got Conover'd! Secondly, the reason four out of Yo, you got Conover'd! Secondly, the reason four out of five carriers don't know they Secondly, the reason four out of five carriers don't know they have it is because they either five carriers don't know they have it is because they either have no symptoms or their have it is because they either have no symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they never have no symptoms or their symptoms are so mild they never notice, and nearly everyone symptoms are so mild they never notice, and nearly everyone has it.
notice, and nearly everyone has it.
If you include oral herpes, has it.
If you include oral herpes, worldwide, nearly 90% of the If you include oral herpes, worldwide, nearly 90% of the global population carries some worldwide, nearly 90% of the global population carries some strain of herpes.
global population carries some strain of herpes.
What? strain of herpes.
What? And that means, if you don't What? And that means, if you don't have it, you're the weird one.
And that means, if you don't have it, you're the weird one.
You're the weird one.
have it, you're the weird one.
You're the weird one.
Oh! You're the weird one.
Oh! Stop it! Oh! Stop it! Stop it, I don't Stop it! Stop it, I don't play basketball.
Stop it, I don't play basketball.
No.
play basketball.
No.
I straight up don't believe you.
No.
I straight up don't believe you.
You're not a doctor.
I straight up don't believe you.
You're not a doctor.
Neither are you.
You're not a doctor.
Neither are you.
You're a gym teacher.
Neither are you.
You're a gym teacher.
This is a doctor.
You're a gym teacher.
This is a doctor.
Oh! This is a doctor.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Guys, this is Oh, my God.
Guys, this is Dr.
Jennifer Lang, a board-certified OBGYN.
Hey, guys.
Thank God.
This guy just gave us herpes.
What's gonna happen to us? Probably not a lot.
What's gonna happen to us? Probably not a lot.
Most people don't even Probably not a lot.
Most people don't even develop symptoms.
Most people don't even develop symptoms.
Some people might have a mild develop symptoms.
Some people might have a mild rash around the mouth or genital Some people might have a mild rash around the mouth or genital region, maybe some red rash around the mouth or genital region, maybe some red or white bumps.
region, maybe some red or white bumps.
The truth is, if you're not or white bumps.
The truth is, if you're not immunocompromised during The truth is, if you're not immunocompromised during the late stages immunocompromised during the late stages of pregnancy, you really the late stages of pregnancy, you really don't have to worry about it.
of pregnancy, you really don't have to worry about it.
Most sexually active adults ae don't have to worry about it.
Most sexually active adults ae gonna be exposed to herpes at Most sexually active adults ae gonna be exposed to herpes at some point in their life.
gonna be exposed to herpes at some point in their life.
It's really not a big deal.
some point in their life.
It's really not a big deal.
That's what I tell my patients.
It's really not a big deal.
That's what I tell my patients.
Thanks.
That's what I tell my patients.
Thanks.
Thanks, Jennifer.
Thanks.
Thanks, Jennifer.
Oh! Thanks, Jennifer.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Ow! Oh, my God.
Ow! You gotta give us sunglasses.
Ow! You gotta give us sunglasses.
The fact is, You gotta give us sunglasses.
The fact is, our culture's fear of herpes The fact is, our culture's fear of herpes is totally our culture's fear of herpes is totally out of proportion with how mild is totally out of proportion with how mild the disease actually is.
out of proportion with how mild the disease actually is.
We're treating what's basically the disease actually is.
We're treating what's basically junk acne like it's some kind of We're treating what's basically junk acne like it's some kind of sexual plague, and that fear junk acne like it's some kind of sexual plague, and that fear is pretty recent.
sexual plague, and that fear is pretty recent.
Up until a few decades ago, is pretty recent.
Up until a few decades ago, no one gave a crap Up until a few decades ago, no one gave a crap about herpes.
Whee! Samantha Beth, my darling, there's something you must know.
I've got red bumps on my junk.
Oh, Charles! Me too.
Oh, Charles! Me too.
Whatever.
Me too.
Whatever.
But all of that changed Whatever.
But all of that changed in the early '80s.
But all of that changed in the early '80s.
In the hangover in the early '80s.
In the hangover from the sexual revolution, In the hangover from the sexual revolution, there was a straight-up cultural from the sexual revolution, there was a straight-up cultural freak-out about STDs and even there was a straight-up cultural freak-out about STDs and even benign diseases like herpes freak-out about STDs and even benign diseases like herpes got swept up in benign diseases like herpes got swept up in the puritanical panic.
got swept up in the puritanical panic.
Check out this real the puritanical panic.
Check out this real Time Magazine cover from 1982.
Whoa! Even I think that's too intense and I scare kids for a living.
Yeah, and it worked.
Hey, babe.
I've got red bumps on my wiener.
(woman gasps) That's not tubular.
I'm gonna die.
Holy crow.
I'm gonna die.
Holy crow.
That does seem out Holy crow.
That does seem out of proportion.
That does seem out of proportion.
Yeah.
of proportion.
Yeah.
The only serious side effect Yeah.
The only serious side effect of herpes is shame.
The only serious side effect of herpes is shame.
One study found that people of herpes is shame.
One study found that people consider herpes more shameful One study found that people consider herpes more shameful than any STD other than HIV.
consider herpes more shameful than any STD other than HIV.
That's crazy.
than any STD other than HIV.
That's crazy.
And herpes is considered That's crazy.
And herpes is considered so stigmatized, And herpes is considered so stigmatized, there are multiple online dating so stigmatized, there are multiple online dating sites just for people there are multiple online dating sites just for people with herpes.
sites just for people with herpes.
All of this over a disease with herpes.
All of this over a disease that 90% of people have.
All of this over a disease that 90% of people have.
You know what else is a herpes that 90% of people have.
You know what else is a herpes dating site? You know what else is a herpes dating site? OKCupid, Match.
com, dating site? OKCupid, Match.
com, Christian Mingle.
OKCupid, Match.
com, Christian Mingle.
All of them because nine out Christian Mingle.
All of them because nine out of ten people have herpes.
All of them because nine out of ten people have herpes.
The only difference between of ten people have herpes.
The only difference between this guy The only difference between this guy I'm diseased! this guy I'm diseased! I'll be alone forever.
I'm diseased! I'll be alone forever.
and this guy I'll be alone forever.
and this guy How you doing, folks? and this guy How you doing, folks? Anyone for a fulfilling How you doing, folks? Anyone for a fulfilling sexual relationship? Anyone for a fulfilling sexual relationship? Is that the first guy knows sexual relationship? Is that the first guy knows he has herpes.
Is that the first guy knows he has herpes.
Oh, poor sap.
he has herpes.
Oh, poor sap.
Wait, what? Oh, poor sap.
Wait, what? The fact that we shame each Wait, what? The fact that we shame each other this hard over a disease The fact that we shame each other this hard over a disease that practically everyone has other this hard over a disease that practically everyone has is truly awful.
that practically everyone has is truly awful.
Okay.
is truly awful.
Okay.
I mean, I probably shouldn't be Okay.
I mean, I probably shouldn't be that scary about herpes I mean, I probably shouldn't be that scary about herpes in class.
that scary about herpes in class.
It's really not that dangerous.
in class.
It's really not that dangerous.
Looks like he's getting it, It's really not that dangerous.
Looks like he's getting it, huh, Herpy? Looks like he's getting it, huh, Herpy? Yay! huh, Herpy? Yay! Good job, new friends.
Yay! Good job, new friends.
Hey, Herpy.
Good job, new friends.
Hey, Herpy.
How about taking back the herpes Hey, Herpy.
How about taking back the herpes you gave us? How about taking back the herpes you gave us? No can do! you gave us? No can do! You both already had herpes! No can do! You both already had herpes! What? You both already had herpes! What? Since when? What? Since when? Since college! Since when? Since college! Oh, Herpy! Since college! Oh, Herpy! You know, the crazy thing is Oh, Herpy! You know, the crazy thing is I don't remember filming You know, the crazy thing is I don't remember filming any of that.
I don't remember filming any of that.
Well, now that I've popped any of that.
Well, now that I've popped your knowledge cherry, Well, now that I've popped your knowledge cherry, I'll be on my way.
He's a funny virus.
(laughter) Hang on.
Did you just say Hang on.
Did you just say "popped our knowledge cherry"? Did you just say "popped our knowledge cherry"? Oh yeah, it's metaphor.
"popped our knowledge cherry"? Oh yeah, it's metaphor.
For puncturing a virgin's hymen.
Oh yeah, it's metaphor.
For puncturing a virgin's hymen.
Gross, sorry.
For puncturing a virgin's hymen.
Gross, sorry.
Yeah, it's not just gross.
Gross, sorry.
Yeah, it's not just gross.
It's totally wrong.
Yeah, it's not just gross.
It's totally wrong.
That's not how a hymen works.
It's totally wrong.
That's not how a hymen works.
Really? That's not how a hymen works.
Really? I didn't know that.
Really? I didn't know that.
Whoa.
I didn't know that.
Whoa.
I didn't know something.
Oh, my God! If you didn't know something, that means I get to teach If you didn't know something, that means I get to teach you something.
that means I get to teach you something.
Oh, my God, yes.
you something.
Oh, my God, yes.
Up next, this is Oh, my God, yes.
Up next, this is "Emily Ruins Everything.
" Up next, this is "Emily Ruins Everything.
" We're never gonna have sex, "Emily Ruins Everything.
" We're never gonna have sex, are we? We're never gonna have sex, are we? Sorry, babe.
My turn to explain something.
Give me your magic TV powers.
Where are they? Give me your magic TV powers.
Where are they? Is it your glasses? Where are they? Is it your glasses? No.
Is it your glasses? No.
It's your glasses.
No.
It's your glasses.
(Adam groaning) It's your glasses.
(Adam groaning) Whoa! (Adam groaning) Whoa! Your prescription's insane.
Whoa! Your prescription's insane.
Whoever has the knowledge Your prescription's insane.
Whoever has the knowledge wields the power.
Whoever has the knowledge wields the power.
Oh.
wields the power.
Oh.
Really? (snapping) (snapping) Stop, you're only supposed to use the powers for learning.
Stop, you're only supposed to use the powers for learning.
Oh, I'm getting there.
use the powers for learning.
Oh, I'm getting there.
(clearing throat) Oh, I'm getting there.
(clearing throat) Now, what do you two derpies (clearing throat) Now, what do you two derpies think a hymen is? Now, what do you two derpies think a hymen is? Do we have to talk think a hymen is? Do we have to talk about hymens? Do we have to talk about hymens? Seems like more of about hymens? Seems like more of a lady thing.
Seems like more of a lady thing.
Yeah.
Ooh.
This is fun.
Grow up, guys.
This is fun.
Grow up, guys.
You just spent ten minutes Grow up, guys.
You just spent ten minutes talking about your ding-dongs.
You just spent ten minutes talking about your ding-dongs.
I mean, why is it ickier if it's talking about your ding-dongs.
I mean, why is it ickier if it's about a woman's body? I mean, why is it ickier if it's about a woman's body? Fair enough.
about a woman's body? Fair enough.
So, what's a hymen? Fair enough.
So, what's a hymen? Okay, it's a bit of girl that So, what's a hymen? Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until she has sex.
covers the vaginal area until she has sex.
Yes, a freshness seal.
she has sex.
Yes, a freshness seal.
Do not consume if open.
Yes, a freshness seal.
Do not consume if open.
Sorry.
Do not consume if open.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Yeah.
That's what a lot of Yeah.
That's what a lot of people think.
People picture the hymen like it's one of those paper banners at a sports game.
it's one of those paper banners at a sports game.
They think it covers up a lady's at a sports game.
They think it covers up a lady's vagina and then when she has They think it covers up a lady's vagina and then when she has sex for the first time, vagina and then when she has sex for the first time, it gets busted.
Seems pretty accurate.
Yep, let's go play video games.
(laughs) Yep, let's go play video games.
(laughs) No, you don't.
video games.
(laughs) No, you don't.
Everything about that is wrong.
No, you don't.
Everything about that is wrong.
Okay, think about it.
Everything about that is wrong.
Okay, think about it.
If our hymens completely sealed Okay, think about it.
If our hymens completely sealed our vaginas, where would our If our hymens completely sealed our vaginas, where would our periods go? our vaginas, where would our periods go? I mean, we'd blow up like periods go? I mean, we'd blow up like the blueberry girl in I mean, we'd blow up like the blueberry girl in "Charlie and the the blueberry girl in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
" "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
" Oh, yeah.
Chocolate Factory.
" Oh, yeah.
And where would you pee? Oh, yeah.
And where would you pee? You know we don't pee out of And where would you pee? You know we don't pee out of our vaginas, right? You know we don't pee out of our vaginas, right? We pee out of our urethras, our vaginas, right? We pee out of our urethras, which is a separate hole.
We pee out of our urethras, which is a separate hole.
You're a health teacher.
which is a separate hole.
You're a health teacher.
And our school district You're a health teacher.
And our school district is very underfunded.
And our school district is very underfunded.
So that's how many holes total? The hymen is actually a thin, stretchy bit around the vagina.
In most women, our hymens have stretchy bit around the vagina.
In most women, our hymens have an opening that's big enough for In most women, our hymens have an opening that's big enough for tampons, fingers, and yes, an opening that's big enough for tampons, fingers, and yes, getting bizzay.
tampons, fingers, and yes, getting bizzay.
But it's not like a barrier.
getting bizzay.
But it's not like a barrier.
It's more like a But it's not like a barrier.
It's more like a balloon arch.
It's more like a balloon arch.
Okay, but doesn't the hymen balloon arch.
Okay, but doesn't the hymen break the first time you Okay, but doesn't the hymen break the first time you have sex? break the first time you have sex? Like, doesn't it hurt? have sex? Like, doesn't it hurt? It doesn't have to.
Like, doesn't it hurt? It doesn't have to.
It might, if you're not careful It doesn't have to.
It might, if you're not careful with it.
It might, if you're not careful with it.
Oh, gee with it.
Oh, gee Oh, fudge.
Oh, gee Oh, fudge.
I damaged the balloon arch.
Oh, fudge.
I damaged the balloon arch.
Oh, fff-- God I damaged the balloon arch.
Oh, fff-- God But it can also tear from Oh, fff-- God But it can also tear from doing the splits But it can also tear from doing the splits (balloons popping) doing the splits (balloons popping) or just living our lives.
(balloons popping) or just living our lives.
Even then, hymens can heal, or just living our lives.
Even then, hymens can heal, and a lot of them never even get Even then, hymens can heal, and a lot of them never even get torn in the first place.
and a lot of them never even get torn in the first place.
One study found that 52% of torn in the first place.
One study found that 52% of sexually active teenage women One study found that 52% of sexually active teenage women had intact hymens.
sexually active teenage women had intact hymens.
Really? had intact hymens.
Really? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
(cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! Yeah.
(cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! Not well understood by men! (cheering) H-Y-M-E-N! Not well understood by men! Go, hymen! Not well understood by men! Go, hymen! The hymen as you understand Go, hymen! The hymen as you understand it is a straight up myth.
The hymen as you understand it is a straight up myth.
Okay, Emily.
it is a straight up myth.
Okay, Emily.
Are you sure about that? Okay, Emily.
Are you sure about that? Maybe you should call in Are you sure about that? Maybe you should call in an expert.
Maybe you should call in an expert.
Yeah, that's a good call.
an expert.
Yeah, that's a good call.
It's what I usually do, so.
How's this for an expert? Good point, I feel bad.
Our bodies don't come with built-in virginity detectors and sex built-in virginity detectors and sex isn't supposed to hurt and sex isn't supposed to hurt the first time, but this isn't supposed to hurt the first time, but this horrible idea is everywhere the first time, but this horrible idea is everywhere in our culture.
From ska bands.
Zoot suit riot Ugh, bad name.
Zoot suit riot Ugh, bad name.
To popular TV shows.
Ugh, bad name.
To popular TV shows.
So there's a good chance that To popular TV shows.
So there's a good chance that Megan was never raped.
So there's a good chance that Megan was never raped.
These are Megan's Megan was never raped.
These are Megan's medical records.
These are Megan's medical records.
An intact hymen.
medical records.
An intact hymen.
She's a virgin.
Even the New York Times gets it wrong.
gets it wrong.
The Times knows more about The Times knows more about regional politics in Finland regional politics in Finland than the female body.
than the female body.
Honestly, the worst part Honestly, the worst part is the word "daddy.
" is the word "daddy.
" Yeah, that is inappropriate.
Yeah, that is inappropriate.
It gets way worse It gets way worse than band names.
In some parts of the world, women are forced to show government officials that their women are forced to show government officials that their hymen is intact.
government officials that their hymen is intact.
If they don't, they can be hymen is intact.
If they don't, they can be denied jobs, barred from making If they don't, they can be denied jobs, barred from making rape accusations, even thrown denied jobs, barred from making rape accusations, even thrown in jail.
rape accusations, even thrown in jail.
Sorry, Adam.
in jail.
Sorry, Adam.
I know that this is usually Sorry, Adam.
I know that this is usually the point where you do some cute I know that this is usually the point where you do some cute visual gag, I just-- the point where you do some cute visual gag, I just-- No, skip it.
visual gag, I just-- No, skip it.
That's awful.
No, skip it.
That's awful.
Really, really awful.
That's awful.
Really, really awful.
Yeah.
Really, really awful.
Yeah.
Virginity exams are straight up Yeah.
Virginity exams are straight up sexual assault, and they don't Virginity exams are straight up sexual assault, and they don't even prove anything because Physically speaking, virginity doesn't exist.
It's just something we made up doesn't exist.
It's just something we made up to be mean to women, It's just something we made up to be mean to women, like "Entourage.
" Wow, I learned something.
That felt great.
I feel taller.
That felt great.
I feel taller.
Do I look taller? I feel taller.
Do I look taller? Glad to help.
Do I look taller? Glad to help.
Anyways, it's time Glad to help.
Anyways, it's time for you to go.
Anyways, it's time for you to go.
Emily, you know, usually I do for you to go.
Emily, you know, usually I do more of a wrap up than that.
Emily, you know, usually I do more of a wrap up than that.
Nope.
more of a wrap up than that.
Nope.
Hit the road.
Nope.
Hit the road.
It's date night Hit the road.
It's date night and clock's tickin'.
It's date night and clock's tickin'.
Of course.
I actually don't feel like having sex right now.
Or ever.
like having sex right now.
Or ever.
I just keep thinking about how Or ever.
I just keep thinking about how I have herpes and my junk looks I just keep thinking about how I have herpes and my junk looks weird and apparently, I don't I have herpes and my junk looks weird and apparently, I don't know anything about your body.
weird and apparently, I don't know anything about your body.
I feel like garbage.
know anything about your body.
I feel like garbage.
I know how you feel.
I feel like garbage.
I know how you feel.
I just told Adam Conover about I know how you feel.
I just told Adam Conover about my hymen for, like, I just told Adam Conover about my hymen for, like, five minutes.
my hymen for, like, five minutes.
I kind of want to barf.
five minutes.
I kind of want to barf.
Sounds like you guys are I kind of want to barf.
Sounds like you guys are having a little trouble Sounds like you guys are having a little trouble in the bedroom.
having a little trouble in the bedroom.
You need my help? in the bedroom.
You need my help? Never.
You need my help? Never.
No.
Never.
No.
Well, in one second, No.
Well, in one second, I'll tell you Well, in one second, I'll tell you how to solve the worst I'll tell you how to solve the worst sexual problem of all.
how to solve the worst sexual problem of all.
You? sexual problem of all.
You? That's hurtful.
Fine.
What's the worst sexual condition of all? What's the worst sexual condition of all? Are my balls full of bees sexual condition of all? Are my balls full of bees or something? Are my balls full of bees or something? That would be cool, or something? That would be cool, but not that I know of.
That would be cool, but not that I know of.
Nope, it's the one problem that but not that I know of.
Nope, it's the one problem that causes all the others.
Nope, it's the one problem that causes all the others.
Shame.
causes all the others.
Shame.
Oh.
Shame.
Oh.
I'm not ashamed about sex.
Oh.
I'm not ashamed about sex.
I'm very progressive.
I'm not ashamed about sex.
I'm very progressive.
I bought us a sex toy.
I'm very progressive.
I bought us a sex toy.
You did? I bought us a sex toy.
You did? Yeah, you never saw it.
You did? Yeah, you never saw it.
I hid it in the attic.
Yeah, you never saw it.
I hid it in the attic.
Maybe I am ashamed of sex.
I hid it in the attic.
Maybe I am ashamed of sex.
Yeah.
Maybe I am ashamed of sex.
Yeah.
We all are, at least a little Yeah.
We all are, at least a little bit, and that can cause us to We all are, at least a little bit, and that can cause us to treat each other horribly, bit, and that can cause us to treat each other horribly, like when we treat each other horribly, like when we humiliate people for like when we humiliate people for having an innocuous disease.
humiliate people for having an innocuous disease.
Whee! having an innocuous disease.
Whee! Or redesign babies' genitals Whee! Or redesign babies' genitals for no reason.
Or redesign babies' genitals for no reason.
(baby crying) for no reason.
(baby crying) Or teach teenage girls that (baby crying) Or teach teenage girls that their first sexual experience Or teach teenage girls that their first sexual experience is gonna be a nightmare.
Aww, yeah, I'm sorry, I-- I did it again.
All of these mistakes I did it again.
All of these mistakes were caused by shame.
All of these mistakes were caused by shame.
Take the example of Kellogg.
were caused by shame.
Take the example of Kellogg.
He promoted circumcision because Take the example of Kellogg.
He promoted circumcision because masturbation freaked him out, He promoted circumcision because masturbation freaked him out, but that's crazy because masturbation freaked him out, but that's crazy because we all masturbate.
but that's crazy because we all masturbate.
I don't, I swear.
we all masturbate.
I don't, I swear.
Not me, you're more I don't, I swear.
Not me, you're more than enough for me, baby.
Not me, you're more than enough for me, baby.
No, you guys definitely do.
than enough for me, baby.
No, you guys definitely do.
And it's fine with each other No, you guys definitely do.
And it's fine with each other that you do, right? And it's fine with each other that you do, right? Oh, of course, go to town.
that you do, right? Oh, of course, go to town.
Oh, yeah, Oh, of course, go to town.
Oh, yeah, it's okay if you do.
Oh, yeah, it's okay if you do.
So why be ashamed of it? Masturbation is the safest form of sex.
form of sex.
It releases tons of healthy It releases tons of healthy endorphins, and it can actually endorphins, and it can actually be used to treat be used to treat sexual dysfunction.
sexual dysfunction.
That's actually all true.
Masturbation is good for you.
That's what you should tell your students.
That's what you should tell your students.
I should.
your students.
I should.
I will not, I should.
I will not, because I'd get fired.
I will not, because I'd get fired.
Well, that's sad, because because I'd get fired.
Well, that's sad, because it's true.
Well, that's sad, because it's true.
We need to stop doing this it's true.
We need to stop doing this to ourselves.
We need to stop doing this to ourselves.
No one needs to worry if they to ourselves.
No one needs to worry if they like to flick the bean, or if No one needs to worry if they like to flick the bean, or if they're a virgin, or if they like to flick the bean, or if they're a virgin, or if they find learning obscure facts they're a virgin, or if they find learning obscure facts deeply erotic.
find learning obscure facts deeply erotic.
Shame is ruining our sex lives.
deeply erotic.
Shame is ruining our sex lives.
We shouldn't let it any longer.
Oh, jeez, my speech worked too well.
I'll let myself out.
too well.
I'll let myself out.
Ooh baby I'll let myself out.
Ooh baby Ooh baby Ooh baby Ooh baby Sexual Ooh baby Sexual Sexual (phone vibrating) What the? (tapping) Next time on "Adam Ruins Everything" How many of you have ever heard of vitamin megadoses? I have, but I've also heard heard of vitamin megadoses? I have, but I've also heard of fairies, and those won't cure I have, but I've also heard of fairies, and those won't cure your cold, either.
of fairies, and those won't cure your cold, either.
Great.
your cold, either.
Great.
Can I go back to doing Great.
Can I go back to doing my show now? Can I go back to doing my show now? What's bad for you about my show now? What's bad for you about orange juice is the sugar.
Sugar! Medical shows like this one end up telling you big fat Medical shows like this one end up telling you big fat lies like that.
end up telling you big fat lies like that.
You lied to us, lies like that.
You lied to us, Dr.
Todd! You lied to us, Dr.
Todd! Everyone, stop! Dr.
Todd! Everyone, stop! There's an answer to all Everyone, stop! There's an answer to all of this!