Adventure Beast (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

Nature Hates Jerks

1 [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
Curious allies, zebra and ostrich tolerate each other to avoid hungry predators.
The zebra relies on the ostrich's height and huge eyes, which are larger than an elephant's, to see hidden dangers, while the ostrich depends on the zebra's superb sense of smell.
Easy, buddy.
Just a friendly ostrich casually probing your anus for fecal parasites.
- [Dietrich.]
Bees! - [braying.]
Oh no.
[Dietrich yelping.]
- [bees buzzing.]
- Hypodermic needles with wings.
They're gonna give me hepatitis! - Bees can't give you hepatitis, Dietrich.
- How do you know, Bonnie? Uh… Huh.
- I guess I don't.
- Well, I [gasps.]
- I hate nature so much right now.
- [scoffs.]
Dietrich, when I'm elbow-deep in a zebra's anus, I need you to keep it down, okay? Ten years as my field assistant, I'm surprised you don't know that.
I do know that, but I've also seen hateful bees sting you so many times your skin looked like pre-chewed gum.
Ha! That was such a great day.
[inhales deeply.]
Still not sure why you'd carry that photo around.
I've got one too, Uncle B.
From when you brought a Tasmanian devil to my sixth birthday party.
Oh yes.
Good times! You really need to embrace nature's wonders and horrors.
Just try to be more like Bonnie.
But this is her first expedition.
She should be more like me.
I'm not vaccinated! Don't worry! I've been prepping for this expedition my entire life.
I've got everything.
GPS, bug spray, tranquilizer gun, an apple No guns.
Huh? - [gunfire.]
- [people shouting and screaming.]
[gunfire continues.]
[people shouting and screaming.]
[bomb exploding.]
Incoming wounded! [grunts.]
[monitor beeping.]
Those animals! [bullet clattering.]
- [snarling.]
- Huh? - Ahh! - [growls.]
[BTG groaning.]
- Keep your whiskers up, sunshine.
- [tiger growls.]
Lieutenant Greive, did you bring a tiger to the medical tent again? It's an Indochinese tiger, sir.
They're almost extinct.
Bah! Do you know how many signs I had to commission because of you? - [chopper hovering.]
- Uh… That's my ex-wife, Linda.
Can't be too careful.
[fighter planes whizzing.]
- [bombs exploding.]
- You're my best paratrooper commander and the only decent baritone in the officers' a cappella group, but you have to make a choice.
Are you gonna be part of this regiment, or are you gonna play with wild animals? [dramatic music playing.]
The animals need me more.
Ah, that Bradley Trevor Greive is a magnificent lunatic.
How long do you think he can maintain that incredible physique? [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
- [gunfire.]
- [people shouting and screaming.]
Um… You were saying? [BTG.]
Rule number one of Greive expeditions.
If you need a gun to feel safe in the wild, you don't belong out here.
Stay home.
Wait, what? I thought rule number one of Greive expeditions was never try to save you.
Correct, you should never try to save me.
There are two rule number ones.
The last animals in a parasite census are always the most rewarding.
You two, stay here and, uh, practice your tweezer technique.
Yes! Something in my comfort zone.
Watch and learn, Bonnie.
Oh my God.
Agh! Don't you get bored watching BTG do all the fun stuff? [grunts.]
This feces is chock-full of amazing parasites.
Other than the birth of my daughter, this is the best day of my life.
Um, my idea of fun is a little different.
You ever play Mahjong? So exciting! I stay awake at night dreaming of chows, pongs, and kongs.
- [bushes rustling.]
- [gasps.]
Ooh! Look, something's in those bushes.
- We should check it out.
- Are you nuts? Fine, I'll check it out.
Just stay here and practice your tweezering.
Listen to me.
Every field assistant BTG's ever had died a horrible death.
I actually saw one get nature-murdered on my very first day.
I was a free-spirited grad student with washboard abs and perfect skin on a research trip.
- [screaming.]
- BTG had plunged into the open sea to tag a shortfin mako shark with his field assistant, Ulrich.
Shark monster! [whimpering.]
- [grunts.]
- Are you done? Good.
We need to head back.
Ulrich's been attacked by a shark, but he should be… Oh, that's not good.
Oh my God! Ulrich! - [retches.]
- Did you just cough up a hot dog? I don't chew properly when I'm stressed.
Ah, no shame in that.
Sharks vomit up entire meals to distract larger sharks from eating them.
Mmm! Wow.
Dietrich, I have good news.
Mmm! You are my new field assistant.
What? Me? But I'm only here for three days for college credit.
I don't wanna be a field zoologist.
I wanna be a zoology professor at UC Davis.
Mmm, don't worry, this is gonna be great for your career.
Or you'll die.
Either way, it's a step forward, so congratulations.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Okay.
[inhales deeply.]
Let's tag another shark while there's still so much blood in the water.
Oh, goodbye, Ulrich.
You were a great field assistant.
One of the best.
In you go! That was ten years ago, making me BTG's longest surviving field assistant by nine years and six months.
You know how I managed to survive all that time, Bonnie? I never do anything.
Bonnie? Oh, hello! Aren't you a cute little furry thing? - [snarling.]
- Whoa! [BTG yelling.]
Bonnie! Back to the jeep! - [growling.]
- Whoa! Aah! Aah! [snarling.]
[yells, grunts.]
Ha! It's my lucky day! [grunts, pants.]
Bonnie! Bonnie! - Over here! - [snarling.]
Crap! No, no, no, no, no! [pants.]
Help! The headlights won't turn on! [jeep revving.]
Good thinking, Dietrich! [horn blaring.]
Bonnie, listen to me.
You need to stay with the herd to be protected.
Loners get picked off.
I thought I saw danger.
Turns out I was right.
There were lions.
You're not in a classroom now.
This is the wild.
I need you to hang back, observe and learn.
Ugh! But you've been telling me that my entire life.
- Now can I go into the field with you? - [slurping.]
No, Bonbon.
You're too young.
Now can I go into the field with you? No, Bonnie, you need more training.
Now can I go into the field with you? No, Bonnie! You're too… Hang on.
Hello? Mrs.
Peterson? Yes, thanks for calling.
I'm sorry, I've… I've got to take this.
You're talking into a banana! I'm a grown woman, Uncle B.
If you really want me to learn, you're gonna have to let me get hurt.
So, I'm a little overprotective.
[all screaming.]
- [huffs.]
- It's an ambush! Look at that bird! He's the brains of the operation.
Sorry, big fella.
That's just a cattle egret.
The Cape buffalo tolerates the egret because it eats parasites and insects off his skin.
Easy meal for the bird, good hygiene for the buffalo.
I love animal friends that shouldn't be friends.
One time, I saw a video of a bear who was friends with a duck.
Yeah, I saw that video.
I'm pretty sure those animals were drugged.
- [groans.]
- Anyway, I wouldn't call them friends, more like a mutualistic relationship where each benefits from the other.
Blah, blah, blah.
They're BFFs.
If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck Crows sound like ducks.
- Would you say that we're friends? - Not now, Dietrich.
Look! - [buffalo chuffing.]
- [BTG gasps.]
Black gold.
This is gonna be a parasite bonanza! [humming.]
- [bellows gently.]
- Don't mind me.
All we need to find now is a mountain nyala, the pride of Ethiopia.
Ah! There's nothing quite as invigorating as a good parasite census.
Have you ever tried recreational drugs? Because I have news for you.
Inappropriate uncle talk, Bonnie.
But, yes, I once licked a Sonoran Desert toad, but this is better.
Big b-buffalo b-back-o! [grunting angrily.]
[all screaming.]
[BTG screams.]
- [jeep crashing.]
- Oh no! Uncle B! Give it up, Bonnie.
BTG's dead.
You're a Greive, and your initials are BTG, which means you can legally sign my paychecks, and, also, that makes you next in line to lead the Greive expeditions, right? Um… Yeah.
I… I guess so.
Well, congratulations, Dietrich, you're my new field assistant.
Wha… What? Me? Oh God! - Did I even graduate college? - Come on.
Uncle B! Uncle B! Ah.
There's no sign of him.
Uncle B! [cawing.]
- [thuds on ground.]
- [groans.]
Not dead yet.
- [crashing.]
- [horn blaring.]
Back off! I'm not being eaten alive beneath the jeep.
That's what happened to my old field assistant, Bardrich.
Fifty thousand social spiders working together built that collective super web.
Their cooperation allows them to capture far larger prey than any single spider could ever dream of.
Pretty cool, right, Bardrich? I'm not Bardrich.
My name's Emmerich.
Oh, sorry.
What happened to Bardrich? - I love my job! I love my life! - [grunting ferociously.]
Oh, right.
Well, anyway, you get my point, right, Emmerich? Wow, that's the quickest one yet.
- [cawing.]
- I refuse to be a Bardrich.
Agh! [grunting.]
For the last time, Dietrich, there is no such thing as mountain crocodiles.
- Bonnie! - [Bonnie gasps.]
Yes! I knew you weren't dead! Or are you a zombie? You just emerged from the earth, and your face is bloated and disgusting.
Thank God! Someone who actually knows something.
Are mountain crocodiles a thing? In the Cardamom Mountains of Cambodia? Yes! I knew it! I'm never listening to Bonnie again.
Son of a… - [wolves calling.]
- Uh-oh.
Ethiopian wolves.
Here, put these on.
Monkey suits? It's finally happened.
BTG's gone insane.
Ethiopian wolves could eat young gelada monkeys, but instead of fighting and getting hurt, they choose to hunt together.
The monkeys expose small rodents while digging up tubers and plant shoots.
An easy meal for the wolves and added protection for the monkeys.
- [snarling.]
- Classic mutualism.
You mean, animal friends that shouldn't be friends? Sort of like… us? Sure.
Trusted friends, temporary colleagues.
Well, whatever.
- [rustling.]
- [wolves calling.]
Those wolves do not wanna be this far down the mountain.
- [animal growling.]
- Uh-oh.
In fact… [snarling.]
- [roaring.]
- [BTG screaming.]
Go ahead, lion.
Finish what you started.
Uncle B! No, Bonnie! Rule number one! Which rule number one? [snarling.]
Whoa! - [growling.]
- [grunting.]
- [groaning.]
Get up that tree! Now! - [growling.]
[bees buzzing.]
Back here, lions.
- I'm your main course! - [snarling.]
And probably dessert as well, if I'm being honest.
- [lions growling.]
- [BTG screaming.]
Bonnie, this is your chance! Escape while they feast on my marbled flesh and gristle! Carry on the Greive name.
Make me proud.
No! No! No! If we don't help you, we're not your field assistants.
We're just parasites! I'm not an Aldrich, or a Bardrich, or a Dietrich.
- No offense, Dietrich.
- Oh, none taken.
I have very high self-worth.
I'm breaking rule number one.
I'm still not gonna do anything.
- [grunting.]
- [growling.]
- [grunts.]
- Aah! Ooh, sorry! [grunts.]
[bees buzzing.]
- [growls.]
- [screaming.]
[all screaming.]
[coughs, laughs.]
Ah! I have to admit, that was a brilliant zoological strategy, Bonbon.
Thank God I went to an Ivy League school.
If there's one thing I know how to do, it's kick the creeps where it hurts.
- [rustling.]
- Mountain crocs! [BTG gasps.]
A magnificent mountain nyala.
The final animal on the parasite census! [groaning.]
Know what, Bonnie? Why don't you take this one? No way! - [Bonnie.]
Ha-ha! Yes! - Are you sure she can handle this? [inhales deeply.]
I'm sure.
She's a Greive.
She's a BTG.
This is in her blood.
[bellows softly.]
Whoa! Whoa! - [thuds.]
- [grunts.]
Ow! [grunts.]
Crap! I'm good.
Attagirl! [sighing.]
Ah! I'm gonna be sad when one of you gets killed and eaten.
Mmm, hopefully in that order.
Oh, Mother.
Even animals that traditionally hunt alone can form unusual symbiotic partnerships… - [Bonnie.]
Uncle B.
- …with different species.
- Found your yearbook.
- [BTG.]
Oh, is that gold, really? What were you like in high school? I was friends with a lot of kids from a lot of different backgrounds.
And when I started exploring the world, those friendships paid off.
I don't care about those people cliques anymore.
I'm more of an animal person now.
But you gotta remember that, in nature, animals behave much like we did in high school.
They have their own cliques.
Like tortoises - [Bonnie.]
- [BTG.]
Yaks? Jocks.
The meathead jocks are the ones in the gym just getting their beef on.
- [Bonnie.]
- Wallabies? - Like the track team? - [Bonnie.]
Oh, definitely.
 Porcupines? [BTG.]
They're like the hardcore super virgins.
Aah! - [laughs.]
He's back! - Scorpions are goths.
- [BTG.]
- Tarantulas, emo kids.
- What's the difference? Ah.
- Eyeliner.
- Zebra, thespians.
- [BTG.]
Drama club.
Vulture? A really mean principal, and he hates the kids, because he hates his life.
- Nature, high school, one and the same.
- [Bonnie.]

Next Episode