Adventure Beast (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

Parenthood Is Perilous

1 Come on, numbat, put the brakes on! We just wanna take you to a safe place to breed you with some lady numbats.
God damn it.
I'm coming for you, stripey! Whoo! Blast these hefty nipples.
Maybe you should go with less heroic nipples next time.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything, but your nipples are disturbing.
Kind of like my mom's.
I'll have you know, these nipples are zoologically sound and resolute.
You have no idea what a numbat mother has to go through.
A nursing numbat carries up to four babies on her engorged teats for nearly seven months.
- It makes her extremely vulnerable.
So, for a numbat mother, evading a predator is like trying to chase down a bus with four six-year-olds attached to your nipples.
Bite down, kids.
We're gonna miss the bus! Oh, gee, sorry! Oh, God! Sorry, ma'am! Out here, it's death by baby.
I don't see any sign of him.
It's all right.
All we have to do is follow the termites.
Every termite is a numbat feast waiting to happen.
Hey, Dietrich, quick question.
Why are you carrying around a watermelon with a creepy face? Are you referring to Melon Baby? Sweet baby bunny balls! He has his mother's eyes.
Why would you desecrate innocent fruit like this? Like I told you this morning, to prove to Margie I'd make a great father.
We did not have that conversation.
And then Margie said she doesn't think I'm father material.
So, I said, "I'll bring a watermelon into the jungle!" Like the sex ed class egg.
You know, that egg baby thing.
Yeah, except a jungle melon baby! Ten times harder.
And when I bring it back in one piece, she'll have no choice but to marry me.
Huh? I'm sorry, what? Huh.
I assumed slash hoped you were talking to someone else.
Hello, hello.
Didn't the doctor tell you to stop eating red mystery goo? Male numbat chest gland scent markings.
And this must mean that Numbat! Oh! Hello, mommy koala.
So sweet.
Oh God! That baby is choking on his mother's butt! My worst nightmare.
Dude, you need therapy.
- But my mom is my therapist.
- That explains a lot.
He's fine, Dietrich.
Before they're fully weaned, koala joeys feed off their mother's pap, which is really just fancy poop that prepares their gut for an adult diet of eucalyptus leaves.
That baby koala is eating poop? Wait.
Will my human baby have to eat my poop? I hope not, Dietrich, but parenthood is wonderfully disgusting.
I see you, numbat.
Burning! Burning! Burning! - Uncle B! Are you okay? - Oh, that stings.
It's like a eucalyptus martini mixed with hot urine.
Here, flush it out.
Oh, that burns! Is this… grapefruit juice? - That's Melon Baby's formula.
- How does it look? It looks like your eyeball was marinating in a public toilet.
The numbat had, thus far, evaded our team, so we regrouped and prepared to continue our search.
Your eye doesn't look so good.
Well, yeah, koala urine is teeming with bacteria.
I probably have chlamydial conjunctivitis.
What do you mean, again? This isn't the first time a koala peed in my eye, rookie.
Come here, little buddy.
I'll keep you safe.
What are you doing in the water, you dopey plush toy? There you go.
Only thing left is to check your underside for any discolored discharge.
Looks good.
You're in tip-top condition, little buddy.
Wait, when I'm a dad, will I have to let my human baby pee in my eye? Dietrich, have you ever even seen a baby? Of course I have! Like a squishy neck pillow with eyes.
There's one now.
That's a quokka.
Oh, I guess I should cancel that Amber Alert.
As a new father myself, I understand your anxiety, Dietrich.
I really do.
Parents have to make some pretty shocking sacrifices.
Take those crab spiders on your melon baby, for example.
Crab what? When a crab spider gives birth, her babies hungrily slurp up all her bodily fluids until she's a hollowed-out husk.
Whoa, babies literally suck the life out of you.
- Yep.
- So many spiders! Oh God! I feel them on my neck! Oh, Margie's not gonna like that.
Don't you dare tell Margie! I can't tell if this is funny or sad.
Sometimes, it's both.
Melon Baby! Come back! Oh, Melon Baby, you're safe now.
Numbat! Numbat! Hey! This log has a baby on board.
So close.
Dietrich, give Bonnie a hand up, or we're all going into the drink.
I can't! I need to be a good father, for Margie.
For who? How long have you been in a relationship? Well, "relationship" is such a loaded word.
So, you just started dating? Well, it's not really dating.
Technically, she's my dental hygienist.
But she knows you like her, right? Uh, I think so.
Most of the time, she has her fingers in my mouth, so it's kind of hard to say.
Come on, Dietrich.
Real talk? You're a single parent, at best.
Leave me alone! Look, I realize you wanna protect your baby.
You're just like countless animal parents who do everything they can to care for their young.
Like the caecilian mother… Ow! …Who lets her babies continually tear off and eat her soft, protein-rich skin… Ahh! …In order to provide them with key nutrients.
Ahh! Eat up, little ones.
I want you to grow big and strong, so one day you'll look like the world's angriest penis.
Or the platypus frog mother… …Who swallows her eggs to protect them inside her stomach… …Where they hatch into tadpoles and grow into frogs.
This means she can't eat a single bite for six whole weeks, and eventually, her expanding stomach causes her lungs to collapse.
Or like orca mothers, who must stay awake for an entire month after giving birth, because their over-excited baby cannot and will not go to sleep.
If only a seagull would get stuck in my blowhole so I could sink lifeless into the abyss.
Mommy's joking, darling! Love you! But you see, Dietrich, the crucial difference between those heroic parents and you is that your baby is a bloody watermelon! Don't listen to him! Help us up, or I will make you give birth to that melon in reverse.
- Oh, hold it.
- He's mocking us! Numbat! Tell Margie of my sacrifice! I have no idea who Margie is.
You cheeky bugger.
Numbat! Waterfall! If I drown, clear my browser history.
Don't be silly, Bonnie.
Very few people swept over waterfalls die from drowning.
No, no, no, they usually die from smashing their skull on a rock.
No softer landing than a subterranean water cave.
Oh, look! Rakali water-rats! My favorite type of rat.
Well, except Mafia informants.
What the You coughed up an entire hot dog.
I don't chew when I'm stressed.
Melon Baby! You've been given a second chance at life! Don't make the same mistakes I did.
Become an acrobat, a linguist, or a coffee peddler.
Anything but a field zoologist.
Ha! That's a dwarf bearded dragon lizard.
Looks like he destroyed your melon from the inside.
You hate to see that.
Oh, hello! Aren't you friendly? So, when a dwarf bearded dragon lizard waves at you, he's telling you he either wants to fight or have sex.
Oh, so basically a tech bro.
A father should never have to see his child eaten by a tiny lizard.
Dietrich, come on! Margie barely knows you.
She's not gonna care if you can't raise a watermelon.
It's not even about Margie.
It's just my mom raised me on her own.
She always told me that, one day, I would be a good father to… to make up for my useless dad, but now I'm a failure, too! Uncle B, you're a dad, you speak parent gibberish.
You got anything? There, there, Dietrich.
Being a parent is really hard.
Our baby daughter Genevieve is the chubby ball of sunshine at the center of our emotional solar system.
Mm, my wife and I love her so much, and yet, being her parents basically boils down to fatigue, terror and a lot of mystery stains.
Mmm! So refreshing! And we have it easy.
Out here, parenthood is both extremely painful and downright perilous.
That's good.
 You want some? Lions, cheetah, wild dogs, hyenas, they all follow the great migration of wildebeest specifically looking for young animals and pregnant mothers to pick off.
Sometimes, a mother wildebeest's baby will be eaten by lions while she gives birth to it.
That's got to be the worst birthing experience ever.
No! You actually thought that story would help? What? I was just saying a baby in the wild is basically a walking lunch special.
This is terrible! Ugh! Just stop talking! Now, I don't wanna have kids either, unless I'm impregnated by hot bisexual aliens at a pan-dimensional dance party.
- I'll never be a good father! - Among other things.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Just stay away from lions and don't have any children.
- You'll be fine.
- I guess you're right.
If I can't be a good dad, I should just give up.
Okay, that went about as well as I'd hoped.
 Good talk.
What Where are they going? I don't know.
But if they think it's time to leave, we're leaving.
Follow those rats.
Oh! The cave's water broke! - Push! - Push! Breathe! - Push! - Push! You can do this! You are a beautiful warrior! - Push! Push! - Push! I am reborn.
As far as births go, that was surprisingly painless.
Look at that! We landed in a school of sand tiger sharks! Dietrich, these guys will make you feel better.
A sand tiger shark mother might have seven eggs in each of her two wombs, but when the first one hatches, the baby shark will immediately kill and eat all their brothers and sisters.
And if two hatch at once, the shark babies will fight to the death right inside their mother's body.
See, Dietrich? Just being born is a death sentence.
So, you really didn't do too badly.
Dietrich? Oh, I guess this was more like a wild birth after all.
Dietrich! Wake up! - Come on! - You're too young to die! Wait, how old is Dietrich? I don't know, like 38ish? For a field zoologist, that's actually pretty good.
Regardless of statistical death rates for your profession, you should still live! - Live, damn you! - Come on, D! Come back to us! I'll never make fun of you again! Well, I'll make fun of you slightly less.
Ugh! Damn you! Do what you do best.
Run away from death! Wake up, Dietrich! You can't die! Ugh! I think he's gone.
Dietrich was a timid field zoologist for ten years and very briefly, a devoted father to a small melon with a truly startling face.
And then, yes, yes, and now let the sea reclaim him, for this is where life was born 3.
5 billion years ago and, uh… Oh! Sting! Sting away, jellyfish! Lay your seed in his… pores? Uh, consume his, um, marrow.
His body now belongs to the sea.
Okay, we're good.
He would have screamed so much about this.
Ahh! Jellyfish! I'm fine.
Oh! Dietrich! You beautiful coward! You were fine.
You were so fine! Those juvenile jellyfish stings restarted your heart.
It's a miracle! As a man of science, I do not throw that word around lightly.
What happened? - Did I die? - Ha! Only briefly.
I saw Melon Baby, on the other side.
He was whole again.
Rolling through green fields with other melons.
He said it was time for me to let go, and that I should get a body piercing to remember him.
Well, good to have you back with us, old friend.
I'm your old friend? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
You know, I've been meaning to say how grateful I am for the way you guys value me Numbat.
Let's do this.
It's okay.
I'll write the rest in my gratitude journal.
Goodbye, Melon Baby.
I'll never forget your beautiful smile.
Wait for me! Slow down, you ginger whippet! We're trying to save your species! Agh! Come on! Ow! Whoa! Ooh.
You know, maybe motherhood's not for you.
- Fair point.
- Hang on, I'll untie you.
Bonnie, hurry! Look! He has relaxed his peduncle to lower his scrotum in order to cool his testicles, and that means he is hot and possibly tired.
- Now is our chance.
- Ha! You put the "uncle" in "peduncle," Uncle B.
Never ever say that again.
I'm doing this for Melon Baby! Hollow logs feel so empty without you, Melon Baby.
Dietrich, don't move.
Where there are termites, there's a numbat feast waiting to happen.
Success! Great job, Dietrich! You're a numbat whisperer.
Hey, little guy! Will you be my baby? Yah! Babies are gross.
This is home, Stripes.
Just do your best to be a good numbat dad, okay? Put that peduncle to work.
As soon as your babies are strong enough, we'll be back to take you all home to the wild, okay? What are you gonna tell Margie about Melon Baby? I'll just go to a different dentist.
Yeah, sounds easier.
Who's Margie again? It's dry, but oil-rich and highly flammable.
Yeah, no, you look amazing.
Your beautiful pear-shaped body is just, like, looking better than ever.
- Thank you.
- Your eyelashes - I was talking to Piper.
- Oh, she does look good.
- She looks amazing right now.
- She looks great.
And her pregnancy is on track.
Pinky has migrated its way into the pouch.
It effectively gestates outside the body, but the flip side is now you have this incredibly heavy infant swinging around in the pouch, which has to stretch to accommodate it.
It makes it very difficult to move swiftly, which means a lot of predators would love to eat her.
You're scaring her.
Let me walk it back by telling you about marsupial sex.
It's quite extraordinary.
- The baby is - No, no, that is enough.
Piper, don't even pay attention to him.

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