Adventure Beast (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

When Love Goes Wrong

1 [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
Ooh la la, love is in the air.
You know, seeing this reminds me that horses and humans are some of the few mammals that do not have a penis bone.
So romantic.
But love isn't all about penetrative sex, like these flamingos.
- [sobbing.]
- Dietrich, buddy, come on! You're ruining the most romantic scene on Earth.
It's just… lt's just… pink was Margie's favorite color.
She would have loved this.
Why did you leave me? Why? Margie was trash.
She belongs in a dumpster.
You don't wanna live in a dumpster, do you? I'll live anywhere if Margie's there.
I'd live in a prison toilet if it meant one more second with my sweet, beautiful angel.
- Man, this is worse than I thought.
- Who's Margie again? You don't remember? Melon Baby? Dietrich's "not really girlfriend because she doesn't like labels" girlfriend.
I'll never meet someone like her again.
I'm disgusting! I'm unlovable! [sobbing.]
Love is hard.
Dietrich, look at these flamingos.
They have to perform an elaborate line dance with specific moves all in the hopes of impressing a mate.
The best dancers find someone.
The others, well… It's like going to the club.
Sometimes you go home alone, sometimes you get lucky in the bathroom.
What's wrong with that bird? - Why didn't she take him? - Not every bird gets a mate.
It's just natural selection at work.
That bird is perfectly fine.
He deserves a mate just like anyone else.
No, not really.
He's undersized, his beak is malformed.
He isn't even dancing.
And look, now he's humping that plant.
He's a good bird! - He just needs some encouragement.
- Don't interfere! Come on, bird! You can do this! Go after her.
Shoo! Shoo! [grunts.]
Go! [honking.]
You're doing it all wrong.
You gotta dance like the other birds.
Like… Like this.
- [honks.]
- [Dietrich.]
That's it.
You got it now.
Hey! What? No! Stop humping that plant! Dance! [vocalizing.]
Yeah! Wait! Not me.
Him! [laughing.]
Bravo, Dietrich! I've never seen another zoologist insert themselves into a group mating ritual before.
Come on, Bonnie! Take Dietrich's lead! [Bonnie.]
Already on it! [grunts melodically.]
No, Bonnie, dance like the flamingos.
- This is like the flamingos.
- Is it, though? Dietrich, you're a genius! This is field zoology at its finest.
- [laughs.]
- [honking.]
What are you doing? Me? No, I can't betray my friend.
I This is so wrong.
Yet so right.
Wait! What am I doing? I can't be in a relationship with a bird.
This is crazy! Right? No! Dietrich, you can't date a bird.
Yeah, I know that.
[animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
Expedition number 214.
After rescuing and rehabilitating a crested black macaque, we had returned to Sulawesi in hopes of reuniting her with her troop, where she might also find a mate.
I think we're on the right track.
Ooh, hear that, Rosie? Love is just around the corner.
You're gonna be knee-deep in some macaque by sundown.
Stop getting Rosie's hopes up, Bonnie.
Love's a twisted lie.
[thunder crashing.]
We should just go home.
It's gonna rain, just like in my heart.
We're not going anywhere.
Look at that macaque's buttocks.
The female Sulawesi macaque's buttocks grown larger during the breeding season to attract mates.
The bigger the buttocks, the more attractive she becomes.
If we don't take advantage of those buttocks right now, she might miss out on finding a mate.
Yeah, Dietrich.
- Look how big and engorged that butt is.
- No.
You'll never see buttocks this engorged again.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime butt! [laughing.]
So big! Do not let this butt pass you by! - Look at it! Look at it! - Okay, fine! Whoa! Big, right? Yeah, big.
Rosie's got that big old booty, and she's on the lookout for some meaty macaque.
Good for Rosie.
Dietrich, come on, mate.
Love is hard to find, but you'll find it.
I remember my first love.
[zoo guide.]
And now we see the male vervet monkey of Africa.
Hi, Linda.
This vervet monkey exhibit is pretty cool, huh? [zoo guide.]
Male vervet monkeys openly display their testicles to attract mates.
The brighter their blue testicles are, the more females they attract.
Bright blue balls.
[school bell rings.]
Uh, hold up.
No, stop.
I think it's best if no one ever hears the end of that story.
- [distressed voice.]
Help me! - Do you hear that? - [distressed voice.]
Help me! - Shh! This way! [suspenseful music playing.]
Oh, great.
Now this jungle is haunted.
[distressed voice.]
Help! Help me! Please help me! Help! That sounds like… [sobbing.]
- Dietrich? - That's not me.
I surrender! That woman is trapped in an eagle ray mating display.
It's okay, we got you! Don't worry! We pull Dietrich out of these things all the time! Save me, giant macaque! Oh.
Oh my God.
Bonnie, I'll attract the eagle rays to me.
- Dietrich, get her out of there! - She's incredible.
Dietrich, snap out of it, you dopey mango.
Right! Save her.
I can do that.
Excuse me.
Those eagle rays won't be fooled for long.
To advertise their size and strength to mates, eagle rays leap six to eight feet in the air and do a massive gut-wrenching belly flop.
The bigger the belly flop, the more likely he'll attract a mate.
Hello! My name is Dick Tick.
Uh, I mean, Deeter.
Deeter? What? Uh, Dee Ter.
Just call me Deeter.
I'm Jennifer.
No, I'm not.
My name is Hilda.
 Why did I say that? Hilda is my name, counting eagle rays was my game.
- Wait, you're a zoologist? - I'm a field assistant.
I'd prefer to teach, though.
Being inside is much safer than being outside.
That's what I always say! - [BTG grunts, screams.]
- Oh.
You need some help, Uncle B? [screaming.]
Oh, wow.
 I've never met another zoologist who's also afraid of the zoo.
I mean, the outdoor zoo.
Well, I mean, nature.
Well, don't worry, I've been stuck in a lobster cage before, so… [chuckles.]
…sort of an expert.
Lobster Cage Houdini is what they call me.
Actually, no one calls me that.
Please don't call me that.
Whoa! [grunts, laughs.]
All right, all right, you oversexed slime pancakes.
They really went wild for your belly flop, Uncle B.
Gravity is the big man's best friend.
Where's Dietrich? We're fine! [sighs.]
I got this.
[upbeat music playing.]
Whoa! [gasps.]
Oh God! What's happening? It doesn't usually do this.
Thank you guys so much.
I was afraid an eagle ray would scrabble into my cage and drown me with his terrifying sea wings.
You got lucky.
We were tracking Sulawesi macaques to reintroduce this girl into the wild.
Wow! She's really engorged.
You could say that again, sister.
You should come with us.
We need big help, and you must come and commit to full-time.
Oh, pardon my companion here.
He's a little What is he? - Boner Brain? - I'm totes fine.
I'm cool, baby.
Like a pepperoni log.
- [buzzing.]
- [coughs.]
It certainly couldn't hurt to have a local guide, if you don't mind.
Not at all.
In fact, I'd rather not be alone.
Sometimes I think this jungle is haunted.
Byah! Ha-ha! Haunted jungle me say! Me say also! Okay.
Uh, you guys go ahead.
We'll be right behind you.
Buddy, what the hell are you doing? No! [whimpers.]
- [Dietrich.]
She's wonderful.
- No! Bonnie, this is it.
I've never met anyone who just instantly understands me.
Yeah, uh, I can see that, but you've gotta calm down.
- Act aloof, you know? - Aloof? Yeah! That's how I got my first girlfriend.
Her name was Minori.
- Hey, Bonnie, mind if I sit here? - Oh, hey, Minori.
Sure, I don't care.
- I don't care, either.
- Seriously, I don't care.
I could care less! [moaning.]
[school bell rings.]
So, she can consume his nutritious reproductive fluids.
Dietrich, did you know Hilda works at the Sulawesi Rehabilitation Center? Yes, of course I knew that! Uh, nice fanny pack.
What's in yours? I put all my F things in mine, like floss.
It's extra strength.
Oh, really? I put all my P things in mine.
For "pack.
" Like peanuts.
Hmm, I put all my B things in my beard.
Like this bow and arrow.
Huh? Want one? [munching.]
Oh, look! Over there, there's a Sulawesi toothless rat.
Oh yeah! That's a newly discovered species, right? I read they slurp down worms like spaghetti.
[thunder rumbling.]
Oh, that's not good.
I don't think these rain clouds are gonna pass any time soon.
Oh no! And this is a mudslide area.
Mudslides are in my top 17 fears.
- [macaque screeching.]
- What's that, girl? What do you hear? I'll check it out.
[thunder crashing.]
I can't see anything! [grunting.]
Babirusa! We need to climb now! But I'm not a good climber.
I have weak hands! Oh my God, so do I! But that's not good.
 You probably want someone with strong hands.
- I guess I probably should want that.
- [babirusa grunting.]
- Murder pigs! - [screaming.]
[Dietrich whimpers.]
Oh my God! That was so inappropriate.
- I didn't mean anything by that.
- Oh, you didn't? [babirusas growling.]
- We should play dead.
- Good idea.
[both grunt.]
Stay calm, you two! Those male babirusas are fighting for dominance.
The male babirusas must fight other males in order to find a mate.
- [grunting.]
- The winner becomes the alpha of a harem.
The loser lives out his life in solitary loneliness.
[grunts, growls.]
I think he wants to put his stink on us! [thunder rumbling.]
- So, I guess we're in a harem now.
- Second time we got trapped today.
Ha! So true.
Oh God! Hey! Lay off, jerk pig! Ahh! [grunting.]
Oy, pig.
They're with me.
[thunder rumbling.]
Whoa, easy now.
I love your work.
- [growling.]
- [groaning.]
Oh, hey, buddy, I'm sorry.
Come on, don't worry.
They grow back.
Believe in yourself! [groans.]
Whoa! No, no, no, no, no! You have the wrong idea, ladies.
I'm happily married.
Also, these tusks… Not real.
Totally fake.
Deeter, thank you for sticking up for me.
That was really brave.
Ah, it was nothing.
Don't mention it.
Guys, for real, we've got to head back.
This rain is getting intense.
You're right.
All right, everyone, we need to move to higher ground.
Hilda, how does your boyfriend feel about you being in the field all the time? Oh, I never had a boyfriend.
Oh God, you must think I'm so lame.
Never mind.
What about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Well, I had a melon baby with my last one, but it was eaten by a lizard from the inside, so that ended.
Whoa, mudslide! [animals calling.]
The mudslide carried us deep into a jungle ravine.
We survived, but we're no closer to finding our macaque a mate.
Man, that came on fast.
- Everyone still with us? - I'm fine.
Uh, where's Dietrich? [screams.]
Oh, I'm alive.
Okay, that's good.
The rain seems to have stopped for the time being, but with all this mud, tracking's gonna be impossible.
Poor Rosie! All she wants is for her engorged booty to be seen and appreciated.
Wait a second.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! - What's that? What's wrong? - Uncle B, we've got an emergency.
- Rosie's butt is shrinking.
- Are you serious? If her butt shrinks too much, she may not be able to attract a mate, and our entire expedition will be for nothing! Um, excuse me, I feel something.
We get it, Dietrich, you're in love.
Now is not the time.
We've got to get these gorgeous buttocks in play right now.
- We don't have a second to lose.
- No.
Guys, I feel something down there.
Ugh! Dietrich, no, dude.
Come on, man.
Hilda's right there.
No, there's an angry snake in there! There's a great big snake in my pants! For the love of God, Dietrich.
Shut up! Are you sure? [groans.]
What are you doing? - Mm-hmm.
- [groaning.]
Oh, dear.
- Where the hell is it going? [grunts.]
- [screaming.]
- [hissing.]
- [laughs.]
Look at that! It's just a mangrove snake.
Don't worry, their bite might make you swell up a bit, but it's nothing serious.
- Off you go, little guy.
- Oh.
Wait a second.
- [grunts, gasps.]
- [hissing.]
That's a Krait.
A full dose of their venom will kill you in 30 minutes.
You can't even feel them bite.
Just stay out of the mud.
I'll find a way out of here.
I don't feel a bite anywhere.
I must be dying.
Oh, come on, lover boy.
Ahh! Tarsier! Oh, look, it's a pair.
Tarsiers live in monogamous pairings for life.
They live together, mate together, even sing duets together.
And if their partner dies, they never repair.
- Aren't you a lovely couple? - [both squeal.]
- Oh no.
- [squeaking.]
- [hissing.]
- Okay, okay, I'm going! Why are happy couples so bloody annoying? Ahh! Mangrove snakes! Tarsiers! [grunts.]
Mangrove snakes! [groans.]
Tarsiers! Fine! Bring on the mangrove snakes.
Ah! Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ow! Mangrove snakes are really focusing are on the butt today.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! [grunts.]
Come on! Ugh, Deeter, you were so brave around those snakes.
Gee golly.
Gee golly? Hey… [sniffing.]
Macaque poo.
They're here, but where? There's no time.
Rosie's butt is almost normal-sized now.
No offense, Rosie.
We've got to do something.
Now! [grunts.]
Oh! [laughs.]
Thought I had another macaque suit under there.
My bad.
Give me the macaque.
Dietrich, give me that dental floss.
- You thinking what I'm thinking? - No, probably not.
[adventurous music playing.]
I'm not giving up on love! Whoo-hoo! [music continues.]
Oh God! [gags.]
Hmph! I did not have a plan for getting us down.
Love hurts.
Oh my God! It worked! Rosie, now's your chance! Go strut your stuff, girlfriend.
[grunting rhythmically.]
So beautiful.
My legs are broken.
And my butt, so swollen! - [grunting.]
- Here, let me help you.
No, no, no, no, no! So, uh, I guess this is the end of our expedition.
I guess so.
- [Dietrich.]
- Yes, Deeter? - [Dietrich.]
I have to tell you something.
- What is it? My name is Dietrich.
Oh, okay.
But I also wanna tell you… [hesitating.]
I think you're awesome.
Really? Wait, me Hilda? Not another Hilda? That's happened to me before.
Yes, you Hilda.
I had no idea you even liked me.
You're so cool, and brave, and… [snorts.]
Well, I've never met anyone like you.
Come on! This is gonna take forever! - Dietrich! - What? A little help here? [BTG groaning.]
You're right, it's not ideal.
I'm gonna need a helicopter.
Where are we gonna get a helicopter? Here's a list of the animals that are rehabilitated - and ready to be released.
- Oh, nice.
- Who you got there? - Flamingo.
- Camel.
- Oh yeah.
I saw him.
He looks great.
Do you think that JR is really ready to be released? - [BTG.]
You tell me.
- [Bonnie.]
Here, can I just - You're… You're not wheel ready.
- I'll just [Bonnie.]
JR! Hi! He looks great.
- Hi, buddy! - You look fantastic.
You are going to be released into the wild.
Oh! I think that we have to make sure that he knows how to court.
Let me tell you how a camel finds love.
First, you got to have plenty of saliva on your face.
Plenty of foam… - [Bonnie.]
Oh my God! - …that says, "I see you, ladies.
" Then you inflate your soft palate.
- [laughs.]
- And now you thrash about.
And he's getting laid tonight.

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