Adventure Beast (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

Only the Scared Survive

1 Stay with me, Bonnie.
You're drifting over.
Whoa! Bonnie! Bonnie? Bonnie! No, no, no, no, no! What? Is that… baboons? In Peru? Anything but baboons.
What? No, no, I didn't do this.
I didn't do this.
Oh God, they're coming for me! Oh! Oh! This isn't possible! Baboons! Oh.
That's three nightmares this week.
Four if I count the one where I was an oversexed chinchilla, which I don't.
I can't move my legs.
Hey! You're not my sleeping bag! Let go, you gluttonous tube sock! Holy crap! Anaconda! Give it hell, Bonnie! You don't wanna eat me.
My body contains a lot of low-density lipoproteins.
- Isn't that the bad cholesterol? - Yes, it's the bad one.
All I eat is French dips and cheese, Bonnie.
I regret nothing.
What's all that racket? You guys trying to attract crocs? Oh God! A legless crocodile! I'm fine.
Good work, Dietrich.
You scared him off with your masterful hammock bird of prey mimicry.
My what? All I did was panic.
Sometimes, that's all you need.
Sometimes, sheer panic is the best escape plan.
We were on a stakeout deep in the heart of baboon country, attempting to record the mating habits of the ground pangolin.
Ah, not again.
Jesus, Dietrich, that's the sixth pencil today.
I don't like using pencils that are too strong.
Just in case my fingers get trapped.
Trapped in what? Exactly! You just never know.
Just be quiet.
You're scaring the pangolin.
Your furious field note-taking is admirable, Dietrich, but we need complete silence if we're going to record a pangolin mating.
I'm not taking notes.
I'm adding an entry into my fear journal.
Every time I find something I'm scared of, I write it down so I remember to avoid it.
- See? - Let me see that.
Game shows, clown wigs, crocs.
You're scared of belly button lint? It's a fire hazard inside your clothes.
Come on, Dietrich.
 Pangolins are harmless.
Harmless? Look at the way they walk with their little arms.
Like an evil eunuch with a terrible secret.
And look at that.
In an instant, it can transform into an angry pine cone of razor blades ready to mince our mortal bodies into chunks of bleeding flesh.
Just wow.
The pangolin rolls up in its ball when it's scared.
Its fear is its greatest protection.
I've seen a pride of hungry lions fail to put a dent in those scaly defenses.
Yeah, Dietrich.
You'd think this would be your favorite animal.
No, my favorite animal is my cat, Liliana Duval.
Although, she also terrifies me.
Hold on.
- You need therapy.
- Don't judge me.
Aren't you afraid of anything? Hmm.
Well, there was this frog, but I got over it pretty quick.
Hey, kids! Guess who's here? It's Guzzles the Frog! I'm fuzzle, wuzzle, Guzzle Does anybody want some nuzzles? Hey, little girl.
Would you like some nuzzles from Guzzles? You're not a real frog! That fake frog had it coming.
But, yeah, other than that, I'd say my only fear is the profound finality of death.
Sometimes, I think about it too much and have to scream into a pillow.
- Anyway… - I'm actually not scared of dying.
What? There's just so much to be scared of when you're alive.
Death's the only time you get to stop being afraid.
Wow, that's deep.
I have a fear.
What? You're afraid of something? Yep.
You wrestle bears and let yourself get bitten by sharks.
What could you possibly be scared of? Baboons.
- Baboons? - Baboons.
- Baboons? - Baboons.
They travel in troops, sometimes in the hundreds.
Their oblong faces are packed with razor-sharp teeth.
Oh, they'll pretend to be your friend, and then, while you sleep, they'll rip off your face and eat it.
- Eat your face? - Yeah.
Even if you treat them like family and feed them by hand for ten years.
- Hyenas.
- What should we do? Well, the best way to escape a cackle of hyenas is to let them tear your arm or leg off so you can get away while they fight over your amputated limb.
Still open to other ideas.
Anyone? There's only one other option.
Panic, Dietrich! - What the hell is going on? - We're panicking, Bonnie.
Panic is fear-induced defensive behavior that can confuse predators and allow us to escape.
Prey animals use fear to survive all the time.
When the fulmar fears for its life, it projectile vomits to defend itself.
The oily vomit even has a special property that ruins flight feathers.
The plumed basilisk is also called the Jesus Christ lizard, because when the fear drive kicks in, they run away so fast they can literally walk on water.
Hmm? And when other animals like antelope and rabbit are gripped with fear, they just run around like a maniac to confuse any predators.
Panic, Bonnie! lt's our only chance.
You know what? This is kind of fun! Dear God, save us! A mud wallow.
Dietrich, stop panicking.
You said panicking was good! Must panic! Not when you're helplessly trapped in mud.
That's kind of like ringing a predator's dinner bell.
Well, this sucks.
Go! Whoa! - Bonnie! - Bad dog! No, sit.
Yah! I'm not ready to die.
Holy croc.
Bonnie, give me your other boot.
Let's get out of here.
What's the matter with us? We're risking our lives for what? - A pangolin sex tape? - Dietrich is right.
Everyone knows to make real money in a sex tape you need D-list celebrities.
And possibly a pony costume.
Dietrich, just breathe.
Bonnie, are you still an eight and a half? Yes, thank you.
Who cares about pangolin boning? We're dead.
Come on, guys.
We could be the first zoologists to get good footage.
Footage? We're gonna die for footage? Why? So my papers keep getting published in the Annual Review of Animal Biosciences? Yeah! Wait, your work's been published in the Annual Review of Animal Biosciences? No.
Shh! Baboons.
Ugh, baboons.
- Why did it have to be baboons? - Oh God.
Baboons, hyenas.
- Big teeth and flared nostrils.
- Okay.
I know we're all a little freaked out here, but let's get it together.
How about we start by not saying "baboons" so much? Baboons.
Hee-hee, very funny.
Come on, Uncle B.
Baboons! - Say baboons again.
- Ba Ow.
Get a hold of yourself, man! Thank you.
I'm okay.
Why are you so shaken up about baboons? I've seen you take on gorillas.
I never told you this, but when I was 11 years old, I had a mentor at a local conservation facility.
His name was Barry the Baboon Man.
He was the preeminent baboon expert in the region.
Yep, I hand-raised these baboons since they were babies.
I'm basically a father to them.
But on that day, something unthinkable happened.
Maybe one day, I'll have baboon buddies just like you.
Of course you will, Bradley.
Hey, you wanna feed Susan a piece of fruit? Here you go, Susan.
Do you want some fruit too, little fella? Oh no! Don't give him any fruit! He's not ready for Bradley, get out of here! Lock the gate! - I'm sorry, Barry the Baboon Man! - Go! I never looked at baboons the same way again.
So, they killed him? No, that's the thing.
They didn't kill him.
They just ripped off his hands and face, and just let him lay there in agony.
If I close my eyes, I can still hear Barry screaming.
Not the pinky finger! No! Oh, I was inconsolable for months.
But then my mom gave me this.
Oh, so unexpected.
My mother told me to keep this on me at all times, and no baboons would ever hurt me.
I know it's just a toy, but, well, I've kept it with me ever since.
We're gonna be okay.
We've got eyes on the baboon troop.
What's going on out there? Why are they so worked up? It's a leopard, the baboon's mortal enemy.
Oh, what is that? Is that urine? Ew.
You don't need to see this, Mr.
Baboons are cowards.
They could fight the leopard, but to avoid getting hurt, they'll just climb trees and urinate in its face.
I know people who'd pay good money for that experience.
Ugh! We're sitting ducks over here.
Ahh! No! An earth mouth! That's a good size burrow.
We might be near a meerkat den.
Meerkats are the best ground lookouts in the savanna.
Nothing gets past them.
If we can ingratiate ourselves, we might make it through the night.
What's this now? You want me to be a lookout? But I'm farsighted and nearsighted.
Ow! Okay.
Yes, sir.
- Quick, come with us.
- I'm not going AWOL.
That's okay, we can make camp here.
Lots of scared animals hang around giraffe because they're so tall they can provide early warning of predators.
Look at us cowards all sticking together.
So sweet.
It's the only way to survive out here.
- Hey, Uncle B, can I ask you something? - Of course.
Do you think about dying? No, not really.
I came to terms with death a long time ago.
- Back when you were a soldier? - Mm-hmm.
What do you think happens when we die? Beyond the biological breakdown, I honestly don't know, and I'm okay with not knowing.
I think the Greek philosopher Epicurus said it best, "Death is nothing to fear because you and death cannot exist at the same time.
" Hmm.
The giraffes are gone.
Then we're in real trouble.
Quick, get in! What the… I built a fort for protection.
Fear really is your superpower, Dietrich.
Dietrich, this is incredible.
It's like a beaver dam, eagle's nest, and termite cathedral all mixed into one.
Remember that termite cathedral we saw in Queensland, Australia? So massive.
So massive! We're gonna die! - To the escape hatch! - Where does it let out? - Right where the baboons are.
- That's not ideal.
Well, I'm not going out like a coward! For Barry! Bonnie! Looks like your worst fear has finally come true.
My worst fear.
No, no, no, no, no! Bonnie! Bonnie.
For Barry the Baboon Man! We can't fight them all.
If you wanna survive, we have to be cowards.
Goodbye, old friend.
Come on! It's a bust.
The focus is blurry, the angles are poor, I can't see what's going on.
Yep, sounds like a sex tape.
This might be our least successful expedition yet.
Uncle B, what are you talking about? You faced your biggest fear.
That's not nothing.
Yeah, well, I guess I've grown up a lot since Barry was mutilated.
I wonder if he's still alive.
My guess is… no.
Definitely not.
Dietrich, I found your fear journal.
Dietrich? I got you.
You're safe now, Mr.
Well, except for your body.

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