Adventure Beast (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

We Live On a Queer Planet

1 [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
Tonight on The Midnight Show, the breakout star of Alberta Plow Force, Nolan Tremblé! Plus, musical guest Small One, and internationally renowned animal expert, - Bradley Trevor Greive! - [audience cheering, applauding.]
Bats, cave louse, sugar glider, black swans.
Good to go! - [trumpeting.]
- Agh! Don't be such a diva.
It's The Midnight Show.
- Not even prime time.
- [trumpets.]
I can't believe Nolan Tremblé's here.
Do you think he'll be wearing his signature snow helmet? - Nolan, who? - Wha Nolan Tremblé, the star of Canada's hit reality show, Alberta Plow Force.
He was voted Saskatchewan's sexiest man.
Twice! He also bakes and writes poems.
[clears throat.]
Oh God, don't do it.
[clears throat.]
[smacks lips.]
Snow is not cold The human heart is cold No.
Just no.
Cisgender folk poetry is the worst.
TV ready! Uh, you look like an overstuffed freemason, and your jugular is throbbing like a fox penis.
I had this tux custom made when I was on leave in Bangkok in 1991.
It's a tad snug, but classic style never goes out of… [groans.]
…style? Ow! Change back into your field clothes, seriously.
- [BTG sighing.]
- Ugh! Much better.
You okay? You're sweating like a nun on a nude beach.
I'm a little nervous.
This is my first big TV appearance, and, ugh, Hollywood is not my world.
I'm a forest creature at heart.
Bright lights and fake smiles unnerve me.
But you went on that game show.
Name a noise a tiger makes.
- [buzzer buzzing.]
- Prusten.
- [buzzing.]
- [crows groans.]
Oh, it's also known as chuffing.
- [buzzer buzzing.]
- It's how they greet each other.
- [buzzer buzzing.]
- [crowd groans.]
- The correct answer was "roar.
" - [audience applauding.]
We also would have accepted "roar.
" Ugh! I hate television.
You'll be great! This is your one chance to increase your profile, secure expedition funding, and finally win the respect you've been seeking your entire professional life.
Oh, crap.
Now I'm nervous.
Thanks, Bonbon.
Great talk.
[thudding, crashing.]
- [yelps.]
- I put the cassowary in your bathroom.
He's a tad ornery.
In other words, a normal cassowary.
It'd be nice to get him to our compound, but show business waits for no one.
- [banging on door.]
- [screams.]
Okay, maybe show business should wait for a cassowary.
[animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
- [talk show music playing.]
- [audience applauding, cheering.]
- [swan honking.]
- All right, who's next? - Mister, uh… - [cassowary calling.]
- [banging on door.]
- Barnaby Trevor Greive.
Uh, it's Bradley Trevor Greive.
Don't sass me, Barnaby! The clipboard's never wrong! Name's Babs Mahoney, and this is not my first spit roast.
Ugh! You look like a scarecrow that ate another scarecrow.
You, production assistant.
Who, me? [laughs.]
Oh no, I'm a field assistant.
Though, I suppose the skill set is transferable.
That's great, you're such a special little flower.
Now, have wardrobe fly in a clean vest for Barnaby, and make it extra, extra… extra-large.
- Ouch.
- B-B-But I… Just haul ass before I put my spanking gloves on.
Yes, Mommy.
I mean, ma'am.
All right, time for some ground rules, Barnaby.
I don't want any animals or musicians leaving bodily fluids on my stage.
Do not let Jimmy touch the animals.
Do not.
He's overconfident, and we're underinsured.
Plus, he's a bleeder.
Capisce? - Hmm? - [swans trumpeting.]
Well, hello, young love.
Reminds me of my honeymoon with my fourth husband, Darryl.
He was a real weasel.
I swear, men and women… Ugh! It never works! Well, actually, this happy couple are both cobs, males.
Uh, a quarter of all black swan pairs are gay, and they bond for life and will raise a female's fertilized eggs as their own.
In fact, due to their size and aggression, gay swans are more successful at keeping their babies safe than straight swans.
Happily married gay swans, huh? That's not nothing.
- Unless you're a poop peddler, Barnaby.
- [gasps.]
Don't sell me poop on a stick and call it cotton candy! I… What? No, virtually every animal in nature exhibits queer behavior.
Here come the statuesque giraffe! Did you know that 90% of all male giraffes' sexual activity is homosexual? Wow.
Just like me in high school.
Inappropriate uncle talk, Bonnie.
And here are more male animals who enjoy gay sex for pleasure, to ensure social harmony, and to relieve stress.
Can you even imagine having a bison parked in your garage? Amazing! Why would a bison be parked in… Oh, I see.
Oral sex is universally popular.
Female hyenas lick each other's genitals, which are actually false penises.
It's like eating Thanksgiving Dinner on Christmas Day.
Bonnie, please.
Oh, and here's the always popular bonobo float.
Bonobo chimps are our closest living relatives, and they're all 100% bisexual.
Oh, uninhibited jungle sex is so hot.
Mm-mm, agreed.
And both male and female bonobos use sex to resolve conflict.
It's called make-up sex, or sometimes hate-[bleep.]
Bonnie! Queer animals.
Now, that's a Peabody-worthy idea.
You're not the brain-dead barf bag I thought you were, Barnaby.
Okay, I want the whole segment to be queer.
From soup to nuts.
What queer animals you got, huh? Well, we live on a queer planet, so all of them.
This is gonna be great.
I'm queer, and I feel strongly that Ah, good for you.
Yeah, rainbow is my favorite color.
Now, shush! - [footsteps approaching.]
- You hear that? Someone useless is coming.
Adventure man wardrobe for Barnaby Trevor Is it "Grave" or "Grive?" [laughs.]
Here, wear this.
- [BTG.]
Ow! - Now, go and get your queer animals ready.
Oh, and please, keep it G-rated, huh? People in Tuscaloosa don't wanna hear all the messy details.
The messy details are the best part.
Hey, I'm looking for my 18th Emmy, not my 18th heart attack.
I was hoping we could talk about that script I've been working on - when you get a chance.
- [door slams.]
Yes! I'm making it happen.
You know you're not really a production assistant, right? These golf cart keys say otherwise, Bonnie, uh, T.
You just don't get it.
Hollywood makes my blood jump.
The glitz, the glam.
- I am working with the Nolan Tremblé.
- [ethereal music plays.]
- Nolan, who? - [clattering.]
Quiet, dammit.
This is a hot set.
- [water gushing.]
- Oh, crap! - [cassowary calling.]
- [people screaming.]
He's eating Nolan Tremblé's fruit bouquet! Huh.
This is so unexpected.
Male cassowaries are far more docile than the females.
The males are petite stay-at-home dads who sit on the eggs, while female cassowaries are huge, murderous amazons.
Murderous amazons? Nice! - I wish I was a petite stay-at-home dad.
- [dishes clattering.]
Whoa! [cassowary grunting.]
No! No, no, no, no! - [groaning.]
We're good.
- No, we're not! Was the honeydew in front or the star fruit? Why is there so much cantaloupe? Huh? - [scratching.]
- [clattering.]
Oh yeah.
It's retractable.
Ah! Oh! [swans trumpeting.]
So sorry.
- Excuse us.
- Aw! Reminds me of my first closet make-out session.
- [kissing.]
- [woman.]
Bonnie, where are you? - [all gasp.]
- [hisses.]
Ooh! Passion is equal parts joy and fury.
[cassowary calling.]
He's in there.
Okay, great.
Let's go in there.
We can't go in there, Bonnie.
It's the woman's restroom.
- The one place men can never go.
- [clattering.]
We're talking about a feathered dinosaur with knife toes.
You'd rather urinating women get bird murdered than embarrass yourself? Absolutely.
I'm no hero.
- I'm ashamed, but yes.
- [clattering.]
[cassowary grunting.]
Agh! We made the right call, BTG.
One time, when I was 11, I accidentally walked into a woman's restroom, and there were no urinals.
I have so many questions.
Well, at least in nature, gender norms aren't so limiting.
Common reed frogs change from female to male if there aren't males around.
Banana slugs have both female and male genitals, which is true of all terrestrial mollusks.
And whiptail lizards are all female and don't need a male to reproduce.
I like the sound of that part.
- Uh, which part? - Incoming murder bird! - [screams.]
- [calling.]
He's in the open.
Dammit, we'll never catch him on foot.
[adventurous music playing.]
Go faster! We're losing him.
You wanna get me tossed off the lot and sabotage my Hollywood dream? Oh, shut up! [horn honking.]
[ethereal music plays.]
Oh my God! - [Bonnie screaming.]
- [BTG yelps.]
- [winces.]
- [swans honking.]
Hey! No, I didn't… I didn't mean to… Oh, this is so awkward.
Are you dumpster diving for snacks? [hesitating.]
Come on, if you haven't made it as a plus-size model by now, it ain't gonna happen.
- Deal with it.
- [grunts.]
We were just, um… No one's buying the TV rights to your life's story, Barnaby.
Be on stage in two minutes, or I'm canceling your segment.
- Oh boy.
- You! Nolan's in his dressing room.
Deliver his fruit bouquet.
- Go! - [groans.]
- I'm good.
- [swans honk.]
…And so, I said, "Tell that to the president.
" - Am I right, Chaz? - [audience laughing, applauding.]
Coming up next on The Midnight Show, we've got a real animal expert.
- Stay tuned.
- [audience cheering.]
[talk show music playing.]
Okay, hold on.
Let's have hair and makeup cover the blood on your face and clean up that disgusting beard.
No one touches the beard.
It's a fully functioning ecosystem.
Very well.
Someone give me a doughnut and a Xanax.
I need a sugar hit and a comedown.
All right, listen up.
I want family-friendly gay swans, but not controversial gay.
Now, go get me that Peabody.
Okay? Kay.
Our next guest is from down under.
- [audience laughing.]
- Oh, and has gotten down and dirty with just about every dangerous wild animal you can think of.
You'd know all about that, Chaz, huh? - Oh! Hey-o! - [audience laughing.]
Please welcome field zoologist and semi-best-selling author, - Bradley Trevor Greive.
- [inhales deeply.]
[audience cheering, applauding.]
Whoa, yeah, I'd say you need a steak for that eye, - but looks like your face is a steak, huh? - [audience laughing.]
[laughs nervously.]
- [swans honking.]
- Look at those love birds.
And who are these two? - These are two male black swans.
- [honking.]
A same-sex couple, which I was told you'd like to hear about for awards purposes.
Wonderful! Just in time for Pride Month celebrations on our network.
We proudly support the LGBTQIA community on The Midnight Show.
[audience cheering, applauding.]
Oh, I… I wouldn't do that.
- [honks.]
- [groans.]
You son of a [bleep.]
- [audience gasping.]
- [chuckles nervously.]
He's a feisty fella.
I like that.
- [chuckles.]
- [audience laughing, applauding.]
Whoa! You gotta give me a heads up when I gotta duck.
- [bats screeching.]
- There's no danger.
These are two male Ogasawara bats, found on Japan's remote Bonin Islands.
- [audience.]
- They eat fruit, just fruit.
Ooh, and could this be another proud same sex couple? [growls.]
Not exactly.
But male fruit bats frequently fellate each other, which is a common behavior when female bats are not in estrus.
Hey, whoa! - We got freaky bats.
- [audience laughing, applauding.]
No, not… not at all.
Almost every animal enjoys oral sex, regardless of gender.
It's extra fun for male echidnas because they have a four-headed penis.
- [audience.]
- Well, lucky guy! [BTG laughs.]
That's nothing.
A Sumatran rhino penis has big, fleshy wings.
A paper nautilus has a penis that detaches and swims away.
Meanwhile, marine flatworms have two penises and no vagina, whereas female kangaroos have three vaginas.
[audience applauding.]
No one tunes into The Midnight Show to hear about… Blech! …Messy details.
That's what the Golden Globes are for.
You're dead to me, Barnaby.
Gender and genitals are not the same thing.
In nature, the vast majority of living creatures don't have a penis or a vagina, and they're doing just fine.
Like I told your producer, Babs, we live on a queer planet.
[audience cheering.]
- [cassowary hums.]
- [audience gasping.]
Ladies and gentlemen… [chuckles.]
…One of Bradley Trevor Greive's amazing animals is wearing Nolan Tremblé's signature snow helmet.
So adorable.
Ahh! We've got a little problem.
- [dance music playing.]
- [audience cheering.]
That evil cassowary killed Nolan.
Nolan, who? [grunts.]
Nolan? Oh God, no! Get a first aid kit! We have to do something.
You don't need Band-Aids.
You need a shovel, and a mop, and a squeegee for the ceiling.
It's all my fault.
If only I'd delivered your fruit bouquet on time.
If we don't catch that murder bird, he'll kill again.
Let's go! Let me get this straight.
And then, you chased said murder bird onto the main stage with all these defenseless people? Hmm? I'm ashamed, but yes.
Okay, let's keep it simple.
We wrangle the cassowary, then we leave the country for an indeterminant amount of time.
[talk show music playing.]
- [grunts.]
- [audience gasping.]
- [man.]
Hey, let go of him, you bully! - You don't understand.
This is the most dangerous bird in the world.
Nolan's sacred snow helmet.
It's like his spirit is hugging my head.
- [roaring.]
- [audience gasping.]
Yowza! This… This party's getting too wild for me, eh? What is this place, huh? Chaz's man cave? - [roars.]
- [groans.]
Save me! - [yelps.]
- [roaring ferociously.]
[both scream.]
[screams, whimpers.]
[grunts, gags.]
Dietrich, you're a genius! He thinks your head is an egg.
Uncle B, catch! [BTG grunts.]
No need to worry, everyone's completely safe now.
Unless you're already dead in your dressing room.
- Thanks for having me! - [audience cheering, applauding.]
Bradley Trevor Greive, everybody! - You're watching The Midnight Show! - [grunts.]
[talk show music playing.]
Television gold! Uh, the… the ratings are gonna be through the roof.
I want you to be a regular guest.
This is your shot, Barnaby.
You could be a big, fat, furry star! Oh wow.
Thank you.
But I'll be in the field for a year.
Maybe two.
Hardball, eh? I respect that.
We'll talk.
[clears throat.]
Producer Babs, ma'am, about my script? You, what's your name? It's Dietrich.
You're fired.
- [door slams.]
- [footsteps receding.]
Show business is so hard.
[groovy music playing.]

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