Adventure Beast (2021) s01e09 Episode Script

Live Lazy Or Die Trying

1 [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
[boat horn blowing.]
[Bonnie laughing.]
Oh! Who spiked my canteen? I'm looking at you, Greg, you saucy lush.
Don't worry, everyone.
These old charter ferries are incredibly - [thuds.]
- Ow! Ugh! Incredibly Oh! [groans.]
Forget it.
 Forget it.
Guys, dudes, take a load off.
Why stand when you can sit, and why sit when you can lounge? [slurping.]
Wait a minute.
Why aren't you squawking like a parrot in a blender? Who are you and what have you done with my Dietrich? [slurping.]
Ah! I thought you'd never ask.
You are looking at the proud owner of a seven-night stay at Sandy Corners, Sandy Corners, Sandy Corners.
Sandy what? You've never heard of Sandy Corners, the all-inclusive tropical resort with pristine private beaches, world-class snackage, and luxury spa run by famed masseuse and former Soviet submarine commander, Petyr Alexandrovich? Mmm.
I pity you.
Anyway, there's a three-year waiting list, and I finally got in.
So, as soon as this boat docks, the Dietrich you know and love is dead, and Vacation Dietrich is born.
- [wave crashing.]
- Whoa! Maybe we should take Greg down so he doesn't fall.
He's been hanging there a while now completely motionless.
Is he dying? He's fine.
He could hang on his claw bones indefinitely using zero energy.
In fact, sloths only climb down once a week to defecate on the ground.
And when they do, they're often killed by predators.
- [squeaks.]
- Ha! So, if he was lazier and pooped from his tree, he'd live longer? Pretty much.
Laziness is smart.
Greg would love Sandy Corners.
Every beach chair has its own bed pan.
Ugh! Gross.
Are you sure this isn't a hospice? - [wave crashes.]
- Whoa! [grunts.]
It's okay.
Steam! - Holy crap! Dietrich! - Shield your eyes, man! Liquid hell! It burns! lt burns! Oh, wait a second.
Ah, it's not that hot.
Oh, and my pores opened up, so that's nice.
- [explodes.]
- [Dietrich screams.]
[speaking Spanish.]
Whoa! I think I actually understood that.
- That Spanish app really paid off.
- What'd he say? He said, "My salad is on fire! Abandon my birthday!" He's very upset.
There's a fire in the engine room! - Oh.
Right, that makes more sense.
- We should just get to the lifeboat.
And abandon this beautiful vessel without a fight? Ha! - [fire whooshes.]
- "Ha"? That's not the right place for a "ha"! [screaming.]
Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Burning! Burning! We gotta isolate the engine room.
- The main stairwell is compromised.
- [wailing.]
Hmm? - I'm fine.
- [BTG.]
We're going down! [whimpering.]
Hyah! [all grunting.]
Abandon ship! Women and sloths first! - Help me! - [water splashes.]
Greg, no! [BTG screams.]
Jump! - [explodes.]
- [all scream.]
Yeah, we probably should have just gotten on the lifeboat.
But Sandy Corners… [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
Without food, water, or supplies, my companions and I were forced to consider all viable survival strategies.
What's the normal number of days before we should start eating each other? Six? Seven? No one's getting eaten.
The less energy we expend, the less food we need.
We should all just try to go to sleep, okay? I'm supposed to be sleeping in a silken hammock while enjoying a hydrating green tea enema, to reduce stress and constipation.
That resort is definitely a hospice.
Ugh! These plastic seat cushions aren't even eucalyptus infused.
Okay, so the plan is we're just gonna die of hunger and thirst in our sleep, then? Just breathe, Bonbon.
[breathes deeply.]
Time to slow your metabolism.
No! I'm not going to lay down when our lives are at stake.
You can thank me later.
Whoa! [sighs.]
Come on! The ocean isn't big enough for you? [grunts.]
That's a Portuguese man o' war.
Its inflated air sac is like a tiny sail and allows the wind to take it wherever it blows.
You're lucky it didn't sting you.
Saving energy is the key to our survival.
Remember the African lungfish? When faced with drought, African lungfish will burrow underground and sleep inside a mucous cocoon in the mud for up to four years, waiting patiently for the next heavy rainfall.
[blows, grunts.]
Mmm, mucus is nature's memory foam mattress.
I never told you this, but while you slept in your mucus bed, I left and got a hotel room.
So, that's why you didn't get guinea worms.
The point is, until conditions are more favorable, we should just go to sleep.
I can't sleep during a crisis.
I'm a mover, a doer! My body rejects entropy at a cellular level.
Doing nothing is the exact opposite of my life's purpose.
Yes, Petyr, I would love a complimentary stem cell Jell-O shot.
- [giggles.]
- [yells.]
Excuse me! You've got to have something in here! An outboard motor, a hang glider? A car battery and some nipple clamps? You kept the spice rack I made you in middle school? Of course I did.
- [grunts.]
- Aw.
What's this? - [gasps.]
Airplane vodka? - No, Bonnie, that's [gulping.]
More like "Thank you-lizer," because, honestly, my overactive brain craves oblivion right now.
- [body thuds.]
- [Bonnie snoring.]
- [Dietrich.]
Can I get a hit of that? - Go to sleep.
[pleasant music playing.]
[birds calling.]
Hello and welcome to beautiful Sandy Corners.
Wait, this isn't Hawaii.
It's even better than I imagined.
- [gasps.]
- Aw.
- [monitor beeping.]
- [patient coughing.]
Hydration, anyone? - Make mine a double.
- This is a hospice, Dietrich.
A bloody hospice! - [wave crashing.]
- Whoa! Sweet heavens! An Island! Did someone say "island"? Oh my God! My heart is home at last.
Vacation Dietrich is back! Gotta work on that base tan, baby! Come on, Bonnie.
Here you go, wake up.
Which bin does the cardboard go in? [scoffs.]
So confusing.
Bonnie, we made it back to land.
- What? - See? That's a magnificent frigatebird.
We might be close to the Galapagos.
- [frigate bird calling.]
- Birdie choking on a tomato.
That's his red gular sac.
The bigger and redder his sac, the more attractive they are to females.
So the opposite of humans.
I guess.
- No! - Oh! Ooh, you hate to see that.
Sometimes, jealous males will slash their rival's larger sac, because they're too lazy to compete for mates.
That's a smart energy-saving strategy, but still a jerk move.
You guys see a spit roast on your way up? That sizzling meat aroma is amazing.
Ahh! Talking lobster! Mmm, yeah, that's your flesh being scorched by the sun.
Okay, you guys can set up camp on the beach.
Leave Greg in the boat till we know where we are.
- I'm gonna look for fresh water.
- Aye aye, BT Jesus! - [thuds on ground.]
- [snoring.]
[birds calling.]
Mmm! That's delicious! Mmm! Hardly any animal urine.
Could use some more, actually.
- [snarling.]
- Huh? Hmm.
- [hissing.]
- [screams.]
Black caiman! This place is [grunts.]
- [hissing.]
- [yells.]
- [growls.]
- Ow! [yelping.]
[muffled scream.]
Man, that stuff really did a number on my head.
How long was I out for? One sloth poop.
An entire week? Damn! I can't believe how lucky we got.
This island is paradise.
It might even be better than Sandy Corners.
[BTG screaming.]
What's that? - [jaguar growling.]
- Get back in the boat! This wasn't in the brochure! - Holy sh - Go, go, go, go, go! This island is swarming with predators! I've never seen anything like it.
There are caiman on the riverbank, jaguar in the trees, anaconda in the marsh, piranha in the water! Yeah, and pollen in the air.
This place is like a… Predator Island.
Ooh! I love that show.
It's all about men who creep on women until they're uncomfortable.
Didn't have great ratings.
Sharks! [thuds.]
I can't die on vacation.
No one would take my funeral seriously! That's what I'm talking about.
This place is a glorious death trap.
- Uncle B, what the hell are you doing? - Pushing you to safety.
Tiger sharks are incredibly lazy hunters.
They don't waste energy chasing active prey.
If they can't sneak up on an easy kill, they usually can't be bothered.
Okay, maybe not that lazy.
Go, go, go, go, go! [sighs.]
That went pretty well, all things considered.
Thank God, we're finally… safe? [BTG.]
We had spent 84 days or 12 sloth poops on that tiny rock.
We had perfected the art of surviving while expending the fewest resources possible.
Rather than expend energy hunting for fish, alligator snapping turtles sit perfectly still with jaws wide open and wiggle the tip of their tongue like it's a worm, hoping to lure a hungry fish right into their mouth.
[wiggles tongue.]
- Where'd you get the beach toys? - In my vacation bag.
Dietrich, how long has Bonnie been away on her water run? Let's see what the poop clock says.
Two days.
Two days.
Wait, wait, wait, two days? How long was I fishing? Uh, two days.
Ugh, I should have never let Bonnie go out on her own.
I'm gonna look for her.
I promised my sister I'd keep her safe.
You wouldn't go looking for me after two days.
My sister doesn't even know you exist, so… Okey-dokey.
I'm gonna keep making my sandcastle.
When you come back, I'll be Lord Dietrich of Shell Manor, the toast of Sandy Corners, Sandy Corners, Sandy Corners.
Dietrich, stop.
Bullet ants.
They have one of the most painful stings of any insect.
It feels like getting hit by a bullet.
Oh, mother.
This vacation is over! - [screams.]
- [water splashes.]
Dietrich, grab the fish basket! It's our only food.
- [Dietrich screams.]
- [water splashes.]
Ahh! This is the worst vacation of my life! Zero stars and a harshly worded review! [BTG.]
All right, let's go.
We can't go back in there.
There's monsters.
And possibly poison oak.
Oh God.
Something's out there.
Vacation vibes.
 Vacation vibes.
Don't eat me! My blood is bitter from all the purple cabbage I ate as a child! [sobbing.]
Dietrich, quiet! Hmm, this is a recently shed Anaconda skin.
It's perfect.
Perfect? How? [snarls.]
Wow, it's hot, dark, and smells like a rotting reptile.
Brings back memories.
Oh yeah? Why? The last time you cut me out of a giant snake.
Ah! Borneo.
Good times.
[both grunt.]
Looks like Bonnie took the river plank, so we'll have to make a raft.
- [blowing.]
- Huh? Where did you get a pool toy? It was in my vacation bag.
Oh no! The dead skin is full of living snake! - Come on.
- [hissing.]
[animals calling.]
Don't move a muscle, or we'll look like a floating charcuterie plate.
The monkeys are feeding the piranha.
They're in cahoots.
- We're dead.
- Those aren't piranha, they're pacus.
Rather than forage for themselves, pacus follow troops of monkeys and eat the fruit they discard in the water.
It's like eating your roommates' leftovers.
Oh God, they have human teeth! Mmm, they do look bizarrely human, but don't worry, they only use them to peel the sweet flesh off of seeds and nuts.
I'm scared.
Beach vibes, Dietrich.
- [in singsong.]
Beach vibes.
- [yelps.]
- [screeching.]
- [screaming.]
Stay away from my sweet nut flesh! [screaming.]
No! Caiman! [hissing.]
Anaconda! - [snarls.]
- [groans.]
At least cats can't swim.
Actually, most cat species can swim.
Help! - [jaguar growls.]
- I'm gonna die on a pool floaty! My mother was right! Uncle B! Bonnie! You're alive! Here, grab my hand! - Safety! - Dietrich, no! - [gasps.]
Uncle B, look! - What? It's got supplies, maybe even a radio.
- I'll come back for you! - [jaguar growling.]
Okay, Greg, hear me out.
All that prevents us from rescuing Bonnie and Dietrich are countless deadly predators in the trees, in the water and on land.
And we can't fly.
Any ideas? Hmm.
That's it! - [animal snarling.]
- [BTG screaming.]
Why do the work yourself when you can have others do it for you? - [guffaws.]
- [snarls.]
What happened to all the animals? Maybe they're inventing a trampoline to bounce up here and kill us.
Oh God, here it comes! Trampoline attack! Aah! Uncle B! Bonnie, Dietrich, come on! There's not much time.
- Where did the predators go? - They're busy, but not for long.
Just keep moving, do exactly what I do, and you'll both be fine.
Look! There's a bunch of parachutes.
- And here are some fuel canisters.
- And here's… uh, a metal box.
Come on.
- Quicksand.
- I'm sinking! [grunts.]
What's the rule with quicksand? Work as hard as you can and flail uncontrollably? No, no! The more you move, the more you'll sink.
But I've already started panicking! Whoa! The only way to survive is to give up.
Just tap into your inner uselessness, or we're both dead.
Good news.
I think I can use these parachutes and this fuel canister to create a makeshift hot air balloon.
Wow, that sounds even dumber when I say that out loud.
Hurry, you… [sputtering.]
[adventurous music playing.]
Hell, yeah! This is crazy! Right? [laughs.]
Honestly, I'm surprised it's working at all! [Bonnie gasps.]
Look! This is it.
If we could fly toward the boat, they'll see us.
Why are all your rescue missions so terrifying? Frigatebird.
[guttural squawk.]
Hey, bird.
Don't slash our big red sac.
You beaky bastard! [all screaming.]
They didn't see us.
Oh, and there goes our big red flag.
Wait, we've got something better.
No! No, don't do it! Human sacrifices almost never work! Look away, Bonnie.
[ship horn blares.]
- [gasps.]
They saw us! They saw us! - Yes! Dietrich, your horrific sunburn saved us all! Yeah, baby.
I told you, gotta work on that base.
The curious fact about this island was the extraordinary range of predators.
- Both size - What are you doing, Uncle B? You're hanging like a sloth.
Well, yes, because as a man of action, it's very hard for me to appreciate the virtues of laziness.
Now, our sloth friend here is exerting zero energy, because his claws conceal solid bone, and that's the magic of sloths.
Look at him hang there.
No effort, because the bones run right through his claws, and therefore, he is, in effect, a furry coat hanger.
You may call him ridiculous, but he is the master of Zen.
You know what? I think my pathetic tendons and muscles are failing me.
I could use a little help.
- Bonnie? - I never [screams, thuds.]
Uncle B, are you okay? [BTG groaning.]
[groovy music playing.]

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