Adventure Beast (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Monsters Are Real

1 Here we are in the deepest, darkest swamps of Louisiana, investigating reports of a mysterious creature, and the stench of death is everywhere.
Um, that wasn't me.
Aah! So many mosquitoes! Hey, why are you filming this? This swamp is a favorite body-dumping ground for serial killers, which is why the wild animals have a taste for human flesh.
Someone needs to make an acclaimed independent film so our families know what happened to us when they find our soggy, half-eaten corpses.
Aah! I'm already half-eaten.
Come on, Dietrich.
Ham it up a little bit.
We're on a monster hunt in a murder swamp.
Not a monster, an invasive species, which, technically speaking, is called an alien species.
Ooh, an alien monster! Why do we have to look for new monsters? We're surrounded by monsters already.
Ooh! What are the chances that we find an alpha-draconian reptilian, who feeds off chaos and shoots lasers out of his eyes? Extremely low.
Although, horned lizards shoot toxic blood out of their eye sockets, kinda like lasers.
So, alien monsters are real.
No, but pretty much anything you can imagine an animal doing, an animal does, and also countless things you can't even begin to imagine.
Oh, no one's getting out of this swamp alive.
Okay, that time, it was me.
The residents of this sleepy community have come in contact with a creature so bizarre no one can explain it.
I saw it.
It came out of the trees with big, glowing eyes.
And I think it ate my cat.
It was yellow.
I think it was a bear dog, or a hog dog.
- Have you seen the monster? - The only monster I know is my husband.
Okay, lady.
And now, our hunt for the Louisiana swamp beast begins.
So, can you tell me again exactly where and when you last saw the animal? It's not an animal, I'm telling you.
It's a demon.
I've never seen anything like it.
I was out here watching my cat, Mr.
Peppers, doing one of his lick baths, when, suddenly, in the darkness, I saw glowing devil eyes.
He opened his unholy aperture, and I swear I could see straight into the gates of hell.
You could hear the haunted chorus of childrens' souls screaming for their mothers in tortured oblivion.
And now my little Mr.
Peppers is missing.
Could be a shadow person.
 Or a banshee.
A poltergeist, maybe.
This just sounds like a potoo.
No, not "po-two.
" It's pronounced "poltergeist.
" I'm not trying to say "polter-geist.
" Polter-jizz, polter-guest.
- What? - What? The potoo is an extraordinary-looking bird from the Amazon rainforest.
It's got big, bulging eyes that can change from yellow to pitch-black, and they have slits in their eyelids which allow them to sense movement even when their eyes are closed.
They blend in perfectly against trees, making them almost invisible.
They can swallow small birds whole.
Ow! But creepiest of all, their haunting call eerily resembles a desperate child crying out for its mother.
Mom! Ooh.
Creepy at a testicular level.
It sounds like we're dealing with an invasive Amazonian avian species.
But how could a potoo make it all the way here? It couldn't.
But I know what could.
Demons are running loose in Louisiana, and we need to find Satan's hell tunnel and close it before it's too late.
Keep an eye out for abandoned refrigerators.
I know what it is.
I never told anyone this before, but when I was just a little boy in Canada, my mother gave me a salamander as a pet.
His name was Slippy, and he looked so scary, I couldn't sleep.
So, one night, I did the unthinkable.
As I watched him circling the bowl, I felt a great shame.
And before it was swallowed by the plumbing void, he gave me a look of sworn vengeance.
He vanished into the sewers, gateway to the wild and unknown, and I always knew that, one day, he would hunt me down and kill me.
You think you'll be killed by an angry turd in a condom? Come on, Dietrich.
Flushing a pet is a jerk move, but even if your salamander survived the flush, there's no way it could travel from Canada to Louisiana via the sewer.
And even if it did, it would be eaten by gators immediately.
And even if it wasn't, their life span is 20 years max, so it's probably dead.
Unless it's alive, in which case, it's huge.
He's coming.
I saw it! The alien is up there.
- You mean the demon? - No, you mean the potoo.
No! You mean a big, slimy salamander holding a lock of my golden childhood hair! No.
It was an alien! I was doing my pre-dinner leg stretches.
I read online that doing 15 minutes of leg stretches before dinner helps with digestion.
It's probably why ballet dancers are so skinny.
Then my husband Don said that was a bunch of new age hooey.
But I do my dinner stretching, and it feels good.
He doesn't own me.
Okay, we get it.
Leg stretches, Don's a douche.
What about the alien? All right, chère! I beheld an outrageous-looking creature from another world.
It had tiny, orange eyes, bright with wickedness, big old ears, and one long, bony finger, that I swear it uses to paralyze and/or probe its abductees.
There it is! Lay your space finger on me, celestial visitor.
Take me to the outer realms and away from Don the Unworthy! Ugh! Finally.
Let's go.
Why are we running towards it when we should be running away? Cramp! Très mal! I didn't finish my stretches! Headlamps on.
Alien! No! Don't take me to space! Zero gravity aggravates my vestibular disorder! - I got you, Dietrich.
- Don't worry, it's just an aye-aye.
So, it is an alien! The aye-aye from Madagascar looks like a possessed alien with rat's teeth, but is actually just a shy nocturnal lemur with long, bony fingers that are ideally suited to giving nonconsensual rectal probes, but are actually especially adapted to hunting wood-boring larvae.
Hmm? Hmm.
Why would a primitive lemur from Madagascar be in the Louisiana wetlands? - Take the aye-aye.
- Aye aye on the aye-aye! Wow! That was good.
A potoo and an aye-aye, two invasive species from totally different parts of the world.
We might be dealing with a wildlife smuggler.
We should get them back to the boat.
If they stay in this unfamiliar habitat, they'll either die horrible deaths due to lack of suitable food, or even worse, they'll thrive, and destroy this entire ecosystem.
Wait, did you see that? I could swear I saw an Whoa! No, my camera! Thanks, aye-aye.
Guess someone doesn't want me to win a Saturn Award.
The aye-aye finger drew blood.
Oh no.
Am I gonna turn into a long-fingered ghoul? You're gonna be just fine.
You've had your rabies shots, right? Well, yeah.
I get one every month.
Okay, that's way too often.
These mosquitoes are next level.
That's no mosquito.
Look! Something else is out there! Wait here.
Um, can we wait somewhere less terrifying? Good idea.
Let's see where those lights are coming from.
Agh, this is so much worse.
I always loved carnivals, until today.
Ooh, even the prizes are creepy.
I can feel Slippy's presence.
Help! The toys are alive! That devil monkey broke my glasses.
That's no devil.
That's a bald uakari.
I studied them in Brazil.
Listen to this.
Stop squealing and tell me what the hell happened to you.
I feel no one appreciates how accurate my primate calls are.
Someone or something hit me in the head with this.
Jesus, Uncle B! Come on, we have an exotic monkey to rescue.
He's leading us to a secret underground military base used to hide repurposed alien technology.
Uh, no, it's some kind of illegal exotic zoo of smuggled animals.
Guys, we have company.
Komodo dragon.
Look at that eager tongue with the flickering of a flame.
You know, some say they were the inspiration for the fire-breathing dragon legend.
That's fascinating, but there's five of them now.
Okay, let's all just back away slowly.
Their toxic jaws could inflict hideous wounds and deadly infection.
Yep, someone's definitely trying to kill you, Uncle B.
Wait for me! There's no way out! Yes, there is.
This way! Well, so much for capri pants this summer.
All you do is save animals.
Why would anyone want you dead? His BO is pretty ripe, just saying.
Um… - Blech! - Uncle B, does this look familiar to you? Bertrand Theon Greive.
Bertrand Theon Greive? No! Wait, who's that? Our estranged cousin.
He sullied the Greive name by selling endangered animals for profit.
I thought he died years ago.
As did I.
Do you think he faked his death? I don't know.
But his initials are also BTG, so if he is alive, he might just try to kill me in order to become the next Grieve expedition leader.
But that wouldn't work unless he killed you as well.
Right, Bonnie? Bonnie? Bonnie? Dietrich! Bonnie? Bonnie? Dietrich! Where are you guys? Bonnie! Bonnie! What the hell happened? He's alive! Your psycho cousin lives! What is it, Dietrich? I smell warm almonds.
Mmm, I love hot nuts.
Wait, that's not almonds, that's hydrogen cyanide.
Whoa, did you just say cyanide? Like spy-suicide-capsule cyanide? Uh, not quite.
Pink dragon millipedes.
They emit cyanide naturally as a defense.
There might be enough in this enclosed space to kill us all! We have to leave, now! We're locked in.
Why are there so many doors in this place? Oh God! We're gonna be killed by toxic millipede gas! My hairdresser was right! Did I just summon a giant robot clown? Hello, cousins.
I couldn't believe it when I heard you were here.
- Welcome to my exotic menagerie.
I have captured the strangest animals you can imagine, from all over the world.
I never thought I'd die in a carnival office.
Human cannonball accident, a throwing knife fight, maybe? I hope you enjoy tonight's red-hot finale by my Australian firebirds, who will burn away all evidence of your existence.
He's kidding, right? Birds don't start fires.
No, he's not.
Many Australian raptors hunt by dropping burning embers into dry grass to start forest fires and force prey out into the open.
Oh boy, those poor birds look so emaciated.
We gotta get out of here! I have an idea.
I'll eat the millipedes and let their gas consume me.
And that'll give you enough time to figure out an escape.
That's a stupid idea.
The millipedes! I think there's a way out.
Grab my hand, Dietrich! That seems reasonable.
That's just… No.
This is bad.
Come on, we need to get the animals out of here.
How? There's too many to carry! Hmm.
There you go.
Keep all one thousand arms and legs inside the ride at all times.
Oh, wow! You guys are on fire today, literally! Oh, Dietrich, self-respect is like a muscle, and if you… You know what? Never mind.
Bonnie, let's go! Wait, look! It's Slippy, my old toilet friend! Don't be scared, Dietrich.
You may have wronged this creature in the past, but now it's time… time for redemption.
I'll save you, Slippy! Great, here you go.
Go, go, go, go! Okay, here's the plan.
We'll take these animals home, get your head wound stitched up, we come back here, and we beat the living crap out of our creepy cousin.
Good plan.
Simple, violent, inelegant.
- Where do you wanna go first? - Here's what I'm thinking Agh, bloody hell.
You think this is over? I'll be seeing you, Cousin Bradley.
Mon petit babou.
Go, go, go! Get this off of me.
Um… Hey, Bonnie, if you see a bathroom, can you please pull over? I, um… Yeah, I… I really need to go.

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