Adventure Beast (2021) s01e07 Episode Script

Evil Is Natural

1 [animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
[wind whooshing.]
[screaming, grunting.]
[screaming, groaning.]
- [grunting, screaming.]
- [bear growling.]
[BTG grunts.]
- [roars.]
- [screaming.]
- [screams.]
- [growling.]
[grunts, gasps.]
Save yourself.
- [growls.]
- [screams.]
That's what would happen if we woke a hibernating bear.
Bears are evil.
Not evil, animal.
In nature, there's no moral code.
I've seen hungry bears wake up early, break into hibernating bear dens, kill the sleeping mother, and devour her cubs.
Bears eat other bears? Yep, especially the babies.
[continues slurping.]
Anyhoo, I'm gonna go place a camera in that bear den.
[birds chirping.]
Bonnie, is your gizmo linked up? [beeping.]
Gizmo's good to go.
If it goes pear-shaped in there, you know what to do.
Scream in horror? Sell your bones to a voodoo queen in New Orleans? Exactly.
He's surprisingly nimble for a big guy.
He does Pilates.
- [bats squeaking.]
- Hmm.
Just a little more to the left, and… [grunts.]
- [slurping.]
- Hmm.
[continues slurping.]
[grunts irritatingly.]
[slurping loudly.]
Ugh! Jesus, Dietrich! Enough with the milk already! The doctor said I have poor bone density.
[breathing heavily.]
Seriously, who brings glass milk bottles into the field? - Milk tastes better in glass.
- [bottle clinks.]
Damn it, Dietrich! [bear grunts.]
[bear growls.]
[bear roaring on tablet.]
- [grunts.]
- The bear is eating him alive! Oh God, the fortune-teller was right! We gotta get out of here! No, Dietrich! We can't just leave Uncle B in there to die.
Didn't you listen to BTG's unnecessarily graphic story? He knew the risks.
- [bear growling.]
- [BTG screaming.]
Bonnie, save yourself! Come on, or we'll be next! - [yelps.]
- [bottles shattering.]
Dietrich, your stupid milk bag hurt that little porcupine! Damn it, Dietrich, we've lost too much today already.
No porcupine left behind.
- [grunts.]
Let's go! - [Dietrich yelps.]
[bottle shattering.]
Can you actually fly this thing? If we're not dead in 30 seconds, then yes.
[chopper powering up.]
Oh, mother… Zombie! [Bonnie.]
Oh! Uncle B! You're alive! [roaring.]
See you next winter! In you go! [laughs.]
- [Bonnie.]
Uncle B! - [BTG.]
I know! [laughs.]
[animal growling.]
- [screeching.]
- [howling.]
We were tagging and tracking the magnificent class B orca around the islands of the sub-Antarctic.
Bugger, I think we lost him.
Why do we have to search for killer whales? Can't we tag something nicer? A friendship whale, perhaps? No! We're looking for a killer, just like in my favorite podcast, Murder Death Crime Hunt.
Killer whale is actually a misleading name.
Why? Are they nice, peaceful ambassadors of the sea? [laughing.]
Oh no.
They're ruthless killers.
Perhaps the most perfect example of single-minded savagery manifested in weaponized flesh and bone.
- A simple "no" would have sufficed.
- Hmm.
But "killer whale" is misleading, because orcas are actually the largest species of dolphin.
Dolphins are so nice.
Dolphins are literally baby murdering, interspecies gang rapists, so, no, not that nice, actually.
Yeah, Dietrich.
Dolphins are evil, and we're not just talking about any dolphin.
We're talking about a murder dolphin.
It's always been my dream to track down a murderer.
I hate my job.
Why didn't I just start a food truck like my dead Uncle Fritz? [gasps.]
Ooh! How did he die? Was it a murder? He hung himself with a string of frankfurters.
[thunder rumbling.]
Yo, dogs.
 This is, like, the worst whale hunt I've ever been on.
[sucks, exhales.]
You could have at least, like, hired a topless bartender or something.
That's what my uncle did for his whale hunt.
I'd taken on an intern, Luke.
He had tremendous potential, and the fact that his very wealthy parents funded this expedition had nothing to do with why he was there.
We're not hunting whales, Luke.
We need to tag orcas so we can track their migration and [snores.]
Oh my God, Dr.
Snooze here is putting my nuts to sleep, which is impossible because my nuts are always on fuego.
Hey, man, don't pollute! [coughs.]
Is this guy for real? We're at the top of the food chain.
We can do whatever we want.
- [rumbling.]
- [clicking.]
Murder dolphin! Dietrich, grab the chum seal! Chum seal.
Chum seal.
Let's see.
I put it under C for "chum.
" Or wait, uh, maybe it was under S for "seal.
" It's right here! [grunts.]
Oh God, it stinks.
Goodbye, chum seal.
You weren't just chum, you were my chum.
[all scream.]
Come on, man! This watch is cashmere! - Why won't he eat the chum seal? - [BTG.]
Because he wants to eat us.
We're just big fat seals to him.
Murder dolphin! [BTG.]
When a class B orca spots a resting seal, they'll swim together in a V formation to create a wave that will wash the seal into the water.
- Whoa! Whoa! - [all yelling.]
That's it! I'm gonna turn this whale into my new… uh, hat! - [all yelling.]
- [air hissing.]
Kraken fat! Missed him by a mile! We're taking on water.
Die, you stinking whale! [squawks.]
Damn it, Luke! Dietrich, take this flash drive.
This holds all the orca data from the entire expedition.
Do not lose it.
I can do this.
Holding a flash drive is easy.
I've been holding this fish in my pocket.
Oh no, my pocket fish died.
I'm going in.
Bonnie, take the wheel.
Aye-aye, Uncle Captain.
Wait! You can't go in the water.
They'll eat you.
Class B orcas are seal eaters.
I'm dressed as a penguin.
Ah! I was in pursuit of the ultimate apex predator.
It was super dangerous, but I wasn't worried.
I'd dealt with heinous and cruel animals many times before, like moody hippos, who viciously tear apart any animal that comes near the local water supply.
- [bellows.]
- [screams.]
Pretty violent for a vegan! Or the golden eagle, who pull goats off cliffs so they plummet to their deaths.
- [eagle screeching.]
- Oh! Not cool, eagle! Or those disgusting swine at the gym who sweat all over the equipment without wiping it down, spreading their greasy, infected filth.
Good set.
All yours, big guy.
Thanks, mate! You disgust me, you weepy armpit son of a Some might argue those animals are evil, but they're not evil.
They're just being animals, which is why, in the wild, you have to be ready for any [grunting.]
Leopard seal! They'll toy with penguins just for fun without eating them.
I hate being bullied.
This is like grade school all over again.
- Thirsty, BTG? [laughs.]
- No! - Have some water! - [grunting.]
Careful! You might get your beard wet, freak! I'm gonna cut that beard right off your face.
- [hissing.]
- [screams.]
Thanks, Dr.
Slithers! And that's why I love snakes and hate public toilets.
Yes, saved by the orca! Orcas are bullies too, except they bully seals.
- [beeping.]
- [BTG laughing.]
The ocean is just chock-full of jerks.
And after every murder, he'd order a pizza.
Some say he would top it with human meat.
I think that's enough murder stories for one day.
He called it "people-roni.
" [laughs.]
He just made that up himself! God, I love murderers! They're so clever.
I hope I never ate people-roni.
It'd be so hard to tell.
Murder Dolphin! Dietrich, you pasty fish stick.
It's me! Oh! Oh yeah.
- You good? - Oh, hey, Uncle B.
- Did you tag the orca? - Aye.
Looks like our job is done here.
Where's Luke? He pulled out a French dip sandwich and said he wanted to get away from the beach because it smells like Dietrich's anus.
Hey! [sniffs.]
Mmm, that disgusting smell is penguin puke and fecal matter.
It's everywhere down here.
But did you say French dip? I love a French dip.
Me too, French dips are great.
No! Thieving vape-head! That was my French dip.
I hope he chokes on that beautiful sandwich.
Me too.
Anyway, he's over there lying facedown on the ice.
Oh my God! Is he dead? [squawking.]
No, he's not dead.
Maybe he's in a food coma.
Oh, that's not good.
It's just an arm, he could still be - [BTG.]
Oh! - Oh, come on! - Ugh! - [BTG.]
No respect.
I read about a guy once who lost all his limbs and became a mountain climber.
- [winces.]
- [gags.]
Eaten by a murder dolphin… Pretty hard to come back from that.
Eating the king of meat sandwiches on an ice floe? That's incredibly stupid.
Countless hungry predators out there.
You mean countless suspects.
What? Something murdered Luke.
This is it.
This is the moment I've been waiting for! You've been waiting for a colleague to get murdered? Yes! I always thought it'd be Dietrich.
- Me too.
- Hey! But this works great, too.
Someone murdered Luke, and I'm the only podcast-equipment-owning amateur detective with enough ill-gotten confidence to take the case.
This is my Murder Death Crime Hunt.
All these suspects were spotted at the scene of the crime, but who killed Luke? The shifty skua bird? The down-on-his-luck Adélie penguin? The hotheaded fur seal? Maybe it was you! Me? I was right next to you when he died.
You're highly forgettable, so we can't be sure.
Luke is dead because he was sitting on an ice floe with delectable French dip meat juice dripping into the open ocean.
I would've been shocked if he hadn't been eaten.
That's the thing.
He was only eaten after he was murdered.
I mean, what kind of animal murders someone and doesn't eat them? Just about every kind of carnivore.
It's called surplus killing.
Leopards in South Africa will murder entire flocks of goats - and only drag away one carcass to eat.
- [leopard snarls.]
- [BTG bleating.]
- [leopard growling.]
Tried these wildflowers? Oh, well, this won't haunt my dreams at all.
Wolves, weasels, lions, hyenas, bears, raccoons have all been known to kill for pure pleasure.
So, you're saying we have an animal serial killer on our hands? I'm not saying that because it's not a thing.
Come on, we need to repair the boats, stow the gear, and head home.
Oh, my… - Dietrich, what did you do? - I was standing right next to you.
Was he really? Why me? I can't be a serial killer.
I'm just a scrawny white guy with glasses, poor posture, and an oddly proportioned face! Oh no! I look exactly like a serial killer! - [BTG.]
Something got into the chum.
- [Dietrich.]
No, no! Someone ate chum seal! Oh, the humanity! You mean our chum seal was murdered? The killer struck again! - Please tell me the flash drive is safe.
- I don't see it.
All that's under F is a foosball, and we don't even have a table.
You had one job, Dietrich! One job! That was weeks' worth of orca research data.
We're gonna have to start all over.
Would that be so bad? Now that Luke's dead, it'll be a lot more fun.
I like it when it's the three of us.
Whoever killed our chum seal also stole our data.
A klepto-murderer, just like Filthy Fingers Pete from Tuscaloosa.
Fun fact, he cut off his mom's hands because he was sick of playing patty-cake.
- [squawking.]
- Do you hear that? Shearwaters.
The shearwaters' sharp, pointed beak is great for hunting fish.
Ow! They travel in flocks numbering in the hundreds.
That's why they were the inspiration for Alfred Hitchcock's horror movie, The Birds.
This couldn't get any worse! [squawking.]
Skuas! Skuas could catch their own fish but they prefer to attack shearwaters and steal their food instead, like a mugging at knifepoint, but their knife is their face.
It's raining sweet, sweet death.
It's the murder case of the century! [bird call.]
Come here, birds.
Get your chum fix.
[birds squawking.]
Decapitated and left for dead.
You deserved better, chum seal.
But don't worry, no one can hurt you now.
- Oh God, no! - Look, a clue! The killer is getting sloppy.
Nice work, Bonnie! If we follow that streak, it may lead us to Luke's murderer! I was gonna say a warm pile of fresh feces with a flash drive in it, but sure.
[upbeat music playing.]
[penguins peeping.]
[music continues.]
Ha! There's our killer.
Caught red-flippered.
Okay, we should get into camo and Hello? Take it easy, fish whiskers.
I'm just gonna check that tasty chum for our flash drive.
[mutters, grunts.]
- [snarls, growls.]
- [groans.]
Uncle B, are you okay? Our fur seal is in that grotto.
[shrieking, honking.]
It sounds like he's torturing victims in his lair.
Ooh, maybe he's cutting off their skin and wearing it like a mask.
No, it sounds more like… [shrieking, honking continues.]
Yeah, it's Adélie penguins lining up to have sex with a half-frozen female's corpse.
Those overeager males think she's presenting for coitus, but she just died with her butt in the air.
Necrophilia? Where's the line, you filthy animals? Nature has no lines.
Animals are amoral.
- [yells.]
- [Dietrich and Bonnie gasp.]
Why won't you poop out my data? [huffs, snarls.]
Your breath is just Wow.
Time to play dead.
You are unbelievable.
I knew it was you! I'm glad I got to look the killer in the eye before it was all over! Go ahead, feed me to the pigs.
[in distorted voice.]
Bury my head in the garden and send the flowers to my family! [in normal voice.]
Dump my body in a bathtub filled with acid.
- [snarls.]
- [screams.]
- Whew! Holy crap.
- Bonnie, you all right? I really thought I was gonna be murdered there.
- [Dietrich sobbing.]
- Dietrich? [penguin honking.]
Why does this keep happening? Oh, the shame.
[penguin honking.]
This won't haunt my dreams either.
Oh! Stop humping my fanny pack.
Wait a second, F is for "fanny pack.
" [unzipping.]
I put all my F things in the fanny pack.
Look, a French dip sandwich! Mmm… French dip, the king of meat sandwiches.
[penguin honking.]
So, it was the fur seal the whole time.
But why did the orca help us? I thought he was evil.
He wasn't trying to help us, and orcas aren't good or evil.
Evil is a human concept.
We invented it and we perfected it.
No matter how evil an animal acts, they are simply being true to their nature.
Ow! Touché.
Almost packed.
Down to S.
Shirts, safety pins, security cameras, sex toys Wait, did you say security cameras? Yeah, I always have my security cameras set up and filming.
It makes it easier to file my health insurance claims.
Ooh, French dip.
[gulp, gags.]
Wow, he actually choked on his beautiful sandwich.
Okay, now I feel really bad.
The polar bear basically gets energy and warmth through its skin via the translucent hair fiber.
She looks beautiful.
- [Bonnie.]
Doesn't she? - Yeah, why are you doing this? She was so filthy.
Well, that is kind of how they live.
Porcupines are, by their very nature, covered in dirt and piss.
Have you ever had a porcupine quill in your skin? Once it gets into your tender flesh, the moisture of your blood causes it to swell, like 800 tiny fish hooks.
And because they're always covered in dirt and piss, you often get a secondary infection.
- Have you been hit by a porcupine quill? - Oh my God, yes.
You can't love a porcupine and not be quilled.
Beauty is pain.
The visual of exterior pain allows this porcupine to have a beautiful soul.
She's not at all evil, even if she looks it.
But she is covered in dirt and piss.
That's true.
That's a fact.
[groovy music playing.]

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